Prologue: The Sleepover
Applejack and Rarity had met up at her butique. Usually, the two mares couldn't stand each other on account of their opposite personalities, but once every week, the mares agreed to tolerate each other for Twilight. Those days were the days of Twilight's weekly slumber party. Today, when they met up around three in the afternoon, they went straight to Twilights library. Applejack knocked on the door with her leg while Rarity shine her hooves clean of dirt. Spike answered the door, and was confronted by the two.
He exitedly said, "Oh, hey Applejack! Hey, Rari ... Rari ... Twilight!" He called over his shoulder, too nervous to address Rarity. This brought slight laughter from the two mares, and as Twilight came down the stair, Spike was dismissed.
After she and Rarity were invited in, Applejack made sure Spike had left earshot, and said, "heh. That little fella. Quite a nervous little one, ain't he?" Then she looked at Rarity. Everypony-even Rarity- knew that Spike had a huge adoration for the platinum mare.
Rarity just shrugged the comment aside nervously, and said, "He's probably just a bit shy around me because he knows I don't like getting grease and dirt in my beautiful mane and coat. I'm sure it's not...that." She ended with a tone of almost disgust. She didn't want to be associated with rumor passing of Spike-it was too unladylike-even though she knew his lust to be true. She simply pretended as if she knew nothing to keep Spike's good image afloat.
Twilight led the girls upstairs to her bedroom. She sat herself down on her own bed, and Applejack and Rarity took the guest bed across from it. Twilight opened her end table, and pulled out three sheets of paper. She held onto one, and handed the other two to Applejack and Rarity. "Now," she began, "Let's go over the agenda."
Agendas were just common procedure with the violet mare. Everything needed to be scheluded, planned, and carefully organised. These agendas were nothing new to the slumber parties, and Applejack and Rarity followed along as Twilight read from her own. "Number one." she began "We will have the pre-party pillow fight. Number two, simple games will be played, including, but not limited to, Truth or Dare, makeovers, tic-tac-toe, etc. Number three, the preparation of smor'z downstairs, and finally, Number four, a finale to the pre-party pillow fight, the post-party pillow fight will follow the rules of Pillowarfare. Numer five, we sleep the rest of the short night and dawn. Everypony clear?"
Applejack and Rarity both nodded their heads in understanding, and gave the sheets back to Twilight. They always looked forward to number four, as it was the only time violence was permitted between the two. But first, the pre-party pillow fight. Twilight charged downstairs, and opened the closet. Instantly, a mountain of pillows came toppling down onto the pony, who popped her head out the top. She gave the other two 15 pillows each, leaving 20 for herself, and gave them ten minutes to secure a fort.
AJ leaped over to the window, put a pillow down, and stuck her hoof on top of it to represent it as being her area. Rarity chose the center of the stairs as her property. Then Twilight went over the rules again: three lives for each pony, one pillow equals one life, and a maximum of five pillows can be bought at a time from the store. All three ponies set up their forts of fiteen, and were given an arsenal of 20 pillows each.
Then, Twilight shouted, "FIGHT!" and it was on. Immediately, Rarity's fort was bombarded by pillows of both Twilight's and Applejacks, but she returned fire to the purple unicorn. AJ joined her, and sent pillows over the balcony blindly, hoping for them to hit Twilight. Then, Rarity's fires began dimming, and she said, "Twilight, I need an order of 10 pillows."
Twilight levitated these to her, and instead of going back her way, they flew upstairs, straight into Applejack's fort! She was renovating, and improving the defences when a stream of pillows shot at her, demolishing her foundation, and taking away two lives. Applejack said, "I've got one life left!" to confirm the toll. Then, both mares fired pillow after pillow at her, until she started fighting back. She bucked a pillow or two in Twilight's direction, then a whole flurry at Rarity. Both mares recieved one hit, and finally, a pillow sent by Rarity connected with AJ's ribcage, forcing her to give out a sign. "Time!" she shouted, and Twlight replied with her time: 2:54, a new low. Applejack wasn't in the game that day, probably because of her renovations.
Then Applejack watched for ten minutes as pillow flew from the fort on the stairs to the forst by the closet, and visa versa. And finally, to finish the game, Twilight struck the most important broomstick mast in Rarity's fort, and it all collapsed on her, leaving her vulnerable to at least twenty more shots. She shouted through impacts, "Time!" and Twilight stopped, and gave her her time: 13:34, a new record! They celebrated as Twilight still took the top of the leaderboard for the first time, with a time of 13:35. Then, they cleaned the pillows, and retired upstairs to play games.
The first one to play was Tic-tac-toe, which through the championship, Rarity was the winner. Then, they played Truth or Dare.
Twilight went first, requesting a 'Truth'. Applejack and Rarity thought it over, and decided on one thing. AJ asked, "What was yer life like, livin in Canterlot?"
A mediocre question, but neither of the friends could come up with anything better. Twilight's answer was long winded and over explanitory, and took well over fifteen minutes to tell, but whe it was all over, it had given Applejack time to think of something good for Rarity.
Rarity chose 'Dare', much to Applejack's delight. She told her plan over to Twilight, and both ponies giggled, then Twilight said, "Applejack and I dare you to go downstairs, and give Spike a long kiss, full on the lips." The two ponies broke into laughter as Rarity's cheeks became a color brighter than rose. She accepted, walked downstairs, and past the closed door. Even though they couldn't hear the kiss itself, they knew she had done it when Spike's shouts of delight reached them even upstairs. They were louder when Rarity opened the door to come back, but when she closed it, the dragon's squels were still very audible.
They rested again, and Applejack requested a 'Truth'. Being the element of honesty, she felt truth suited her more than a dare would. Twilight ad Rarity discussed, and came up with the question Applejack prayed they wouldn't. Rarity asked, "Tell us the story about Big Macintosh."
AJ gulped as she explained the heart-wrenching, barely believeable, soul touching ballad of Big Macintosh.
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Ima read this later and....
http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/295/557/bd3.gif
P.S. I faved it :D
Oh Celestia new chapter now!!!!!!
"Applejack and Rarity had met up at her butique."
Shouldn't that be
"Applejack and Rarity had met up at her Boutique."?
Edit: Good story so far. Can't wait to see the next chapter!
Wonderful. There's just one little thing, a pet peeve of mine, there should be double spaces between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read. Other than that, I'm gonna favorite this and see where it goes.
Short and sweet. This is a great take on human in equestria, since most human crossovers use an OC. This will go places.
Wow, twenty three likes and you're already in the featured bar... Why do I never get so lucky? Great work man, was a good story.
MOAR!!!
Adding to favourites, hoping you'll update it soon :D
Also, if you ever need a pre-reader, I can do so. Just to check for grammar and such.
1348897 Keep working, eventually you will write a story that alot of ponies will like :). My first story didn't took off but I loved writing nevertheless til I decided to start on my second story- Silent Dreamweaver and it took off and is fairly popular but not massive like many other amazing stories on FF.
Just keep writing and you will get it!
-Morfy
Yor kidding......your kidding right? While I am intrigued...I am disappointed that there wasn't more than the first chapter released. I hope this poor cliffhanger doesn't become routine. Other than that....good start....lets get some more meat for this story.
i86.photobucket.com/albums/k98/wolfantix/fluttershy_is_not_amused_by_stinkehund-d3fw22x.png
Less a chapter, more a prologue.
"heh" should be capitalized
Quite well done, my good sir. I request more of it.
Wow, I glanced at this story and ten minutes later it's in the feature box. Nicely done. You've generated a lot of interest, but now the challenging part...delivering on it.
So far I can't say much besides that your writing is creative and enjoyable. I'd probably would suggest you have someone read for mistakes though(I counted 3 places with letters missing and things), but otherwise it was pretty solid. However, I felt that the last bit where Applejack is 'Truthed' into telling Mac's story was a little bad though. Why do the girls want to know about Big Mac? How do they know he even has a story to tell? Why does Applejack not hesitate when asked to reveal such a riveting tale? It feels rushed and there are too many unanswered questions.
So far... it could be amazing, but at the same time, it could be terrible. All we know is Mac supposedly has a good backstory story. A track for now.
*tracking*
fuuuuu, track like
You only put one chapter up?!
www1.pictures.gi.zimbio.com/NASCAR+Sprint+Cup+Champions+Banquet+Cd54BNbeEl-l.jpg
Oh you spoil me!
The hay is with your adverbs, and "Rarity just shrugged it off."s?
Please, do not write 'just' like that. Every time I read it a part of me dies. The adverbs keep being used in places where they should not be in. Most of the time, you don't need an adverb at all, so don't use them unless you want/need to. They are helpful if you want to descript something, but, please, use them with care and caution.
Try to show more, not just tell. Don't try and go into the past tense, saying 'was,' or 'just.' Describe. Make it real. And please add spaces between paragraphs; it's easier to read that way.
looks intriguing. Will read when it has some more chapters
More of a prologue than a 'chapter'
In any case, I'd suggest drawing it out a little more. It's moving incredibly quickly and as a result some actions and dialogue come across as seemingly forced and/or nonsensical. It also doesn't do anything to give us a good feel of the scene. I'm also a little bit iffy about some of the character decisions in the story, including, but not limited to, Rarity's denial of Spike's crush on her despite what happened in Secret of My Excess, Spike's stammering around Rarity despite him never actually stammering in the show instead of getting all dramatic and romanticized, and Twilight's intensive checklisting despite her lesson in "It's About Time."
Basically at this point, the story seems to be little more than "this happened, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened..." with a few odd character actions mixed in.
Aside from the serious shortness of the chapter, how fast things are moving, and a few of the character moments, the general concept seems to be interesting, though the setup seems particularly lacking. This isn't so much of a 'slip up' on Applejack's part as it seems to be a 'willful spill of Big Mac's secret and betrayal of his trust.' I mean it. She gets into 'truth or dare,' picks truth, and then proceeds to just tell Big Mac's story? That's not what I would describe as a 'slip up.' If she were drunk on cider or it was really late at night and she was incredibly fatigued or if it was just a slip of the tongue during a completely different story, then that would be a 'slip up' but as is, it seems like that's not the direction it's going.
I suppose I should wait until the next chapter to claim that though, seeing how she hasn't said actually said anything yet. Still, why end the chapter there if it's not going to be going into the main story from this point on. The format seems a little strange.
I'd suggest giving this another go. Get a collaborator or at the very least an experienced editor/prereader and give this chapter another shot. Try to make it longer, more descriptive, and give character actions a little more context, and try to define Applejack's 'slip up' a little better. It's a really interesting idea you have here, but from the look of just this first chapter/prologue, you're already hitting a fair number of potholes.
In any case, I'll fave it now just to see where you go with the premise, but the execution of the story is lacking.
1350915
Wow, that's a lot of text to read...
Nonehteless, I can retort your objections, and confirm suspiscions.
You see, Applejack didn't exactly 'slip up', as much as been forced to tell the truth. Rarity and Twilight wanted to know about Big Mac, and being the element of honesty, AJ can't lie. So she was technically forced to explain.
Second, Applejack won't exactly be talking about Big Mac's story in the next chapter. Since it's a pain to write in her dialect, I'm just writing the story from a 3rd person view. And really the next 3 or so chapters will be about his story, not just the next one.
But thank you for the favorite.
I'm intrested... but I have a bad feeling about this....
I... just... GAAAAH!
Pretty much Dusty said most of what I wanted to say when I first read this story when I wasn't logged in at the time. I'm not gonna reiterate what you already heard, but I want to go further into one point.
Rarity seems to be absolutely revolted by the mere idea of Spike being in "sultry" love with her. Why would it count as "sultry" to moon over a girl? I have had a crush on a few girls and that doesn't mean I was in a embarrassing type of love that would have made the girl feel ashamed about my emotions.
No offense, but I do not believe with the amount of physical (spelling errors, punctuation, etc.) and spirit (storyline, in character, you get the drift) of this story is so highthat it does not deserve to be on the favourites bar for any period of time.
P.S. I am kind of a blunt person on critiques. I wouldn't have posted this unless I believe there is a actual, fixable problem with this story.
Take my words at heart, but just use them too to become better.
1351095
Okay, well... even if you go by the headcanon that the Element of Honesty is incapable of lying (which was proven untrue in Party of One and Last Roundup... she's just not GOOD at lying), really, all that Rarity said was "Tell us a story about Big Macintosh." She could have told any story about Big Mac and it would have been perfectly valid. She didn't have to spill his super secret origins.
Dear sir;
Please invest in a richer vocabulary and grammatical studies. The story was good, although I was distracted by the way things were put and the errors I saw. Proof reading would be good. If you already had someone proof read it, mulitple ones shall be better.
1351345
QUIT...TRYING TO FIND THINGS OUT...
...PLEASE....
...YOU MIGHT BE ON TO SOMETHING...
1351472
also... I don't think I understand
This is a good premise but grammatical errors and odd word usage bring it down. Also, I don't know how quite to voice this but the pillow fight scene did not feel engaging, I found myself skipping over parts of it, skimming for an interesting tidbit. Just keep working on it, I am sure your skills will increase with time and practice.
1351490
sorry, but I had an idea in my mind, and the whole pillow fight thing was mostly for fill so I could submit it.
1351486
...Oh... OH... Sorry 'bout that
dun dun dun! cliff hanger
cant wait for next chapter, definitally on my reading list
It wasn't all that hard to figure out what his story will be, given the giant clue.
MOAR! (I can't find the Moar Krabs pic)
Poor Spike still cant get any respect.
)
First Twilight kicks him out of the way when the ponies wanted to start the party then second they used him as a torture device against Rarity (she deserved this one though
Rairity and Applejack both seemed a bit OOC.......
Potential, but I would rather wait and see before I vote ya or nay
1348349 You're doing it wrong.
1350111 I don't think that word means what you think it means.
1352021
Well, the thing is, I'm not good at writing premade character. It restrained me from twists and turns I like to make in my stories. Also, you're onto something...
1351875
Yeah, I guess you're right. Bt that's why you don't read the tags before you read the story, if that makes any sense at all.
1351497
I would say it is fine, but it feels like you are trying to fill which is the issue. Maybe it stems from the whole reciting the list or the wording of the pillow fight; though whatever it is, it makes the scene feel forced and unnatural.
1352350
I needed something to give me 1000 words, and my original idea wouldn't fit
Its a really great story, except it was shown in the episode "dragonshy" that Rarity is terrible at tic tac toe. Because when she played with pinkie pie, she lost every single round. Try to improve on that a bit.
1352518
Well, maybe it wasn't that rarity was bad, but Pinkie Pie is just really REALLY good.
1352423
Oh well, all you can do here is improve, unless you get into a head butting contest with a brick [hint: never get in a head butting contest with a brick]. //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
1352172 Sarcasm my friend. In the comedy routine I stoke it from, that enormous man said "Oh you spoil me" while talking about the all you can eat salad at olive garden. He didn't mean it. Nor do I.
Interesting... Favourited, just to see where this goes.
Got no hint of Big Mac's past in this prologue but...
*human tag*
Uh.... wow
promising so far still kinda turned off by the human tag
1351337
Okay, she's not 'Revolted' by his love, she just wanted to keep[ both their images afloat, and didn't want to spread rumors.
and since when did I use the word 'Sultry'?