8(b) – The Way I'd Hate To Be
There was no reason I should have been awake. Staring up at the ceiling in Rarity’s living room, I let out a deep sigh. It had been a great night, but, while my body wanted rest, my mind wasn’t having it.
That was nothing new. Annoyingly familiar, if anything. Rest had been eluding me for months at that point, and my mind was never eager to try and find it. It’s just that, this week in particular, sleep had proven even more evasive than ever. The nightmares had been steadily intensifying ever since the day Rainbow Dash almost fought with me again, and each night it got a little harder to finally fall asleep.
Sure, the whole situation had blown over, and, if what Dash said earlier in the night was to be believed, there were no hard feelings. But knowing that did nothing to bring peace to my subconscious mind. Every night, I’d remind myself that everything was fine, only for my brain to ask ‘what if it wasn’t?’ A question I could seldom seem to answer.
There was no reason I shouldn’t have been able to answer that. Barring the hiccup after I’d first arrived, the sleepover had actually gone pretty well. We ate together, played games, watched a couple movies—all of the things friends do together at sleepovers—and, for the most part, it was all enjoyable. There were even times when I didn't think about how I was invited out of obligation, and as snide as that might sound, I mean that in the most sincere way possible. They'd done a lot to make me feel included the whole night, and I certainly felt that.
When we all went to bed, I foolishly hoped this would be the night I’d manage to sleep worth a damn. The chronic lack of rest and eight hour shift I had worked left me with little in the tank, and, as fun as the night had been, it left me thoroughly drained of any remaining energy I’d arrived with. It felt like my entire being was likely to shut off at a moment’s notice.
And yet I was still tossing and turning in my sleeping bag, unable to get comfortable. Not just because the floor underneath was hell on my spine, but because laying in it idly for hours had made me too warm. Every time I unwrapped myself from my sleeping bag, however, I’d be freezing cold in only a couple of minutes. Eventually, I just gave up and rolled my pajama sleeves up, hoping that would be enough to keep me cool. It wasn’t, but what else was there to do about it?
In the back of my mind, I knew the real reason I was finding it so hard to sleep. Even if I had reason to believe I’d be able to rest tonight, I was still afraid. I really shouldn’t have been. Tonight had to be what I needed. Something going this well had to be enough to keep the nightmares at bay. Fluttershy, once my most frequent bullying victim, told me I'd changed for the better. If that wasn't enough, then nothing was.
But that's just it: what if that wasn't? What if nothing would ever be enough? What if the cruel irony of these nightmares was that, however good the day and night may have been, the dream in store for me would be terrifying to an equal proportion? The longer I kept myself going, the longer I could put off finding out the answer to that terrible question.
But I couldn’t put it off forever. My body would eventually shut down of its own accord, wouldn’t it? Maybe my mind was just waiting for that to happen and that’s why it wouldn’t let me fall asleep. Maybe that's what I needed, too. A complete and total shutdown. So little energy, my brain wouldn't even have enough to dream.
If only I'd just decided to go home after work instead. If I had, this wouldn’t have been an issue. At least then, if I woke up in a panic, no one would be around to hear or see me. But this wasn’t my apartment; it was Rarity’s living room, and the girls were upstairs in the room right above me. The last thing I wanted was for them to come running to me after hearing me scream in the middle of the night because of a stupid nightmare.
There was no reason I should have been so worried about that. So what if they heard me freak out? Wouldn’t they just want to help? After all, if they were willing to include me the way they had tonight, they’d surely be there for me if I was distressed, right? There might not be much they could do to help me, but they’d still try, right? Isn’t that a thing friends do for each other? And we were friends, right?
Or, the more likely outcome would happen: they would all exchange uncomfortable glances as they all came to realize just how messed up I was. Even if we had a good time that night, there was no denying that this whole sleepover was built around the fact that they felt sorry for me. I was a charity case to them. And a charity case is much easier to work on when all you have to do is hang out, laugh, and have a good time with them. The moment they realized it might take more than a few friendly gestures and a party to help me, they’d probably realize how much more ‘work’ I needed, and go back to treating me like a ball and chain.
And could I really blame them if they did? If things were reversed, I wouldn’t want to deal with me either. Just the idea of having to take care of someone who was constantly unsure of themselves, always waking up in the middle of the night because of some stupid, uncontrollable emotional reaction, needing to be grounded because they don’t know how to calm themselves down, all sounded absolutely draining. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to do the same for any of them, could I fault them for not wanting to do that for me?
The longer I laid there, my mind racing with the most cynical and pessimistic thoughts it could fathom, the harder it became to convince myself not to go back to my apartment and wallow in my inner turmoil by myself. By that point, I’d done well enough to convince myself to stay the course. If I left then, it would become this whole thing next time I saw the girls. They’d ask all kinds of questions, and I knew I wouldn’t want to answer any of them. It would just create more unease, and the last thing any of us needed was more tension between each other.
But the voice in the back of my head chanting ‘leave’ over and over was growing more tumultuous by the second. It didn’t help that the longer I stayed awake, the more staying seemed like an equally bad idea. I’d wake up tomorrow more tired than I was when I fell asleep, and the thought of trying to socialize while even more exhausted than I already felt made me nauseous. At least if I left in the middle of the night, I’d be able to prepare myself for when the topic of me leaving early inevitably came up at school on Monday.
That just seemed so ungrateful, though. Yes, everything they'd done was all because they felt sorry for me, but that didn't change the fact that they’d still gone out of their way to show me a good time. After all they'd done for me, I was thinking about abandoning them without saying so much as a good-bye.
What if they thought they’d done something wrong? What if that made them think their efforts weren’t appreciated? Even if I was still a little resentful about everything, I didn’t want them to think that. It was a mystery to me why I cared so much, but something about leaving them with that impression just didn’t sit right with me. And for a while, that's what kept me grounded. But that by itself just wasn't enough.
In the end, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere by just laying there and brooding about it. To be fair to myself, I had given it an honest try, but several hours of laying awake on the lumpy, carpeted floor in an uncomfortably warm sleeping bag had whittled down my will to stick it out. Maybe it would reflect poorly on me, maybe it would give the girls the wrong impression, maybe it would outright offend them, but at least I’d have time to formulate an excuse before the next time I saw them.
Slipping out of my sleeping bag, I stood up quickly, momentarily stumbling as my brain caught up with the rest of my body. Once I stabilized, I rolled up my sleeping bag and placed it next to my bag sitting on a loveseat nearby. Rifling through the bag with my phone screen on, I checked the inside to make sure everything was there. The loveseat wobbled back and forth as I did, its ornate wooden legs just a tad uneven.
The last thing I needed to grab was my jacket, and that was on a hook near the front door. Carefully navigating through the near-pitch black living room, I tiptoed to the foyer. Once I made it to the front door, I stopped for a moment.
On both sides of the door were windows to the outside; the light from the streetlamps lining the road provided just enough light for everything in the room to be visible. Instead of grabbing my jacket right away, I stood and stared at the street in front of Rarity’s home. Gazing out the window, thoughts of going back to Equestria entered my mind.
There was no reason my thoughts should have wandered in that direction. There were still many moons between then and when the portal would open once more; and even if that weren’t the case, there was no guarantee I’d be welcome back. Unfortunately, my mind was always eager to retread the same grounds it had walked dozens of times before. And as I stood there, dolefully peering into the distance, I was far too tired to try and rein them back in.
Maybe it was because of the emotional state I found myself in, but I couldn’t help but reflect on how dull the cities looked in this world compared to what I grew up with. Humans had a very specific way they designed their communities, and they left little room for colors and flourishing. If you asked anyone why, they’d tell you it was constructed that way in favor of efficiency. But there was nothing efficient about the asphalt labyrinths they built. It was a mess for the sake of being a mess; everyone had just tricked themselves into thinking otherwise, and accepted that answer without question.
None of those were new thoughts, either, but this time they were as bitter as they were sour. It was as if my surroundings were trying to remind me I didn’t belong here. Not just in this house, not just in this city, but in this world entirely. And maybe they were right. Everything had gone alright that night, but there was nothing saying things would continue to improve. There was nothing saying I wouldn’t find a way to mess this up later.
How many steps had I taken forward, only to be pushed an equal or greater amount back by my own actions? The sooner I cut and run, the less likely my disappearance would be to cause any issue, and the less likely it was that there would be any major consequences as a result. That, and the less it would sting when I inevitably learned that no, this wasn’t where I belonged at all.
With a quick exhale, I slipped my arms into my leather jacket and made my way back to the living room. As I entered, I remembered how much darker it was. The curtains were closed, so the light from the streetlamps outside provided no light like they did in the foyer. I slowly walked forward, my hands extended. Unfortunately, feeling out my surroundings did nothing to stop something from hooking my ankle.
Before I had any time to react, I was stumbling forward. I tried my best to stabilize myself, but quickly found myself unable to. Reaching my arms out in front of me, I looked for anything solid to catch and grab onto. My hands found something, but the pull from my descending body weight was too much for whatever I had grabbed, and I almost sent it plummeting down on top of me. Letting go of the loveseat caused it to fall back into place, but not before it sent my bag tumbling forward, it and all of its contents spilling out all over me as I fell flat on my face.
As I laid face-down on the ground, I let out an exasperated sigh. Part of me didn’t even want to get up. Maybe I should have just continued laying in that same spot the rest of the night. Even though I was frustrated, a smile spread across my face as I imagined the girls waking up to see me lying on the floor like this. They might have thought I had died in the most comedic way imaginable. Of course, there was no way I was going to be able to sleep like that, but that was a given regardless of what position I found myself in.
A groan forced itself out of me as I pushed myself up from the floor, several of my belongings sliding down my back and landing softly on the carpet. Grabbing my bag, I began to fill it back up with all the things that had spilled out onto the floor. Once all of its contents were placed back inside, I rested it back on the loveseat and sat down next to it.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my thighs, holding my forehead in hands. For a few minutes, I just sat there in silence, focusing hard on my hearing for any noises upstairs. Everything was still. Apparently, my tumble hadn’t been loud enough to wake anyone above me. Once I realized the coast was clear, I leaned back in my seat and sighed again. At least no one was awake to see or hear how embarrassing all that was.
There I was, staring at the ceiling again. Did I really want to do this? That was kind of a silly question; of course I did. I had all my stuff gathered and ready to go, so why didn’t I get up? Was it exhaustion? Was it my sub-subconscious mind—the mind below my subconscious mind that had been incessantly coaxing me to return to my apartment—trying to keep me rooted in place because it knew that was the right thing to do? Or was that my actual conscious mind doing that? Why does having any conscious mind at all have to be such an ordeal?
“Sunset? Are you okay?”
Jumping in my seat, my head whipped toward the direction that voice came from, my entire body tensing up. As soon as I laid eyes on who the source of it was however, I relaxed again. Out of everyone who could have heard me make an absolute fool of myself like that, at least it was her.
“Fluttershy?” I asked, standing up. ”What are you doing awake?” I didn’t know if she could tell what all that noise was about, but I was going to lie and deflect my way out of this if it killed me.
She stood directly between the foyer and the living room, the pale light from the windows near the door making her just visible enough to make out some details. “I woke up a little while ago, b-but I was having trouble falling asleep again,” she stammered. “Then I heard a bump down here, so I thought I’d come check up on you. Is everything okay?”
It took me a moment to give her a proper answer, not because it was hard to think of an excuse, but because her voice didn’t give me the impression she’d awoken any time recently. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just tripped over something on my way out of the bathroom, that’s all.” Technically, I was telling the truth, just not the whole truth.
“O-Oh, okay,” she replied. After a few seconds without words, Fluttershy spoke up again. “Umm… are you wearing your jacket?”
Looking down at myself, I remembered I was in the process of trying to leave. “Oh, yeah. I was just… I was having trouble falling asleep myself, so I was going to go sit outside for a bit. Get some fresh air, you know?”
“That sounds nice." To my surprise, she sounded pretty convinced. “Umm, would you mind if I came with you?”
My teeth briefly sank into my tongue as I suppressed a frustrated sigh. I was hoping she would have just gone back to bed, but of course, things were never that easy. And worst of all, I couldn’t tell her no. What excuse for that could I possibly have?
“Sure, that’s fine.”
Fluttershy smiled, leading the way into the kitchen. From the kitchen, we reached the door to the backyard, and made our way out of the house.
Immediately outside the backdoor was a large wooden deck. The planks that made up the floor looked well kept, if slightly weathered from age. The deck was surrounded by waist-high railing, held up by wooden beams, spindles, and banisters all painted white. The rafters above were spread out enough to see the sky through the semi-transparent roofing.
And all the way in the back corner was a small table with two metal chairs, both close to one another, facing the back fence of Rarity’s backyard. It was a surprisingly modest arrangement compared to the fancy interior of the home, but maybe the fancier pieces were stowed away until the warmer season rolled around.
Fluttershy and I slowly walked over to the table to take our seats. Seeing how close together the two metal chairs were, I pulled the one I was taking just a little further away from hers. I figured she wouldn’t want to sit that close to me.
As I sat down I briefly shivered. It had been a warm winter, but the nights were still pretty cold, and the chair certainly echoed that. Fluttershy gingerly took her place next to me, and the two of us looked out at the night sky. Notwithstanding the city’s light pollution, the stars above shined brighter than normal. The new moon in the sky gave the light from the stars more room to play. At night, not even the skies were spared from the ugly influence of human construction, but at least they still managed to be nice to look at most of the time.
For a little while, that’s all there was. Just me and her, sitting outside in complete silence. I was trying my best to play it cool, but everything about this just felt weird. We were only here because I didn’t want to tell her I was getting ready to head back to my apartment. Maybe I should have told her I was leaving instead. It’s not like I’d have to come up with a decent excuse for why. Fluttershy would take whatever I gave her, and she was very unlikely to prod me about it. Whatever the case, it was too late then. I was locked in.
Had it been any other night, I would have been fine with our sitting standoff. If there was anything I was good at, it was sitting around and wasting time. But I was cold, tired, and I didn't want to be outside any longer than I needed to—or at all, really. I'd hedged my bets on Fluttershy not lasting long, but after a few minutes, it became evident I wasn't so lucky.
Occasionally, I’d steal a glance at Fluttershy. Every other time I did, she’d shift her view elsewhere. Part of me thought she might have been looking at me a few times, but considering my exhaustion-addled mind, I didn’t exactly trust that, nor did I care that much either.
Sitting there like a statue, I stared off into space, eagerly awaiting the moment Fluttershy had had enough of the cold. I thought she would have said something by then, but she just continued to stare off into the stars just the same way I did. It made me nervous—like, if she wasn’t going to say anything, I should be the one to initiate. As that thought crossed my mind, I thought of a way to break the uncomfortable stillness.
“Sorry for keeping you up,” I said.
Fluttershy was momentarily startled, giving me a bashful smile afterwards. “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she replied. “Like I said, I was having trouble sleeping anyway. I’m a really light sleeper, and it usually takes me a while to fall back asleep, too. This kind of thing happens almost every sleepover.”
Nodding, I faced forward again. That would explain why she sounded so much more awake than someone who woke up at this hour should. For some reason I couldn't place, I doubted her answer. I had no reason to, but the timing of her appearance felt off. Either way, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to know if she was telling the truth or not. It’s not like it mattered all that much anyway.
“I hope you haven’t been lonely down in the living room by yourself,” she remarked.
I chuckled. “Hey, as long as I don’t have to look at those creepy mannequins standing above me all night, I can deal with being alone.”
Fluttershy giggled. “That’s kind of funny.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Why’s that?”
“I guess I just never expected someone like you to be afraid of something I’m not,” she replied.
“Hey, I might be the worst bitch you know, but I’ve got feelings too.” I cocked my head back, making it painfully obvious I was pretending to be offended. “Besides, there’s a lot you probably don’t know about me.”
“I suppose so.” She awkwardly laughed, shifting around in her seat, the legs of the chair dragging against the wood momentarily. “At least, for now.”
“Probably best you keep it that way, too,” I responded half-jokingly.
After that, the silence persisted once more. Continuing to sit there, I noticed she was hugging herself. That’s when it occurred to me that she was only dressed in her pajamas and nothing else. While the winter had been waning for the last week, she was still underdressed for the temperature outside.
“Don’t you think you should have brought a hoodie or something?”
“I would, but all my stuff is upstairs in Rarity’s room, and I don’t want to wake anyone up,” she responded. That answer made me want to laugh. I couldn’t imagine her making enough noise to wake anyone up, but I refrained from displaying my amusement.
Part of me was hoping that meant she wouldn’t spend too much more time out here. But as seconds turned into minutes, I realized she was still stubbornly refusing to surrender, even as she began shivering. Eventually, I started feeling guilty making her sit out here like this. It wasn't her fault I'd made her an unwitting contestant in my deceitful waiting game.
“You sure you’re not too cold?” I asked. “You can head back inside if you want; I'm not gonna be offended.”
She nodded, her jaw clenched as though she were forcing her teeth not to chatter. “I-I’m fine.” Whether she was stammering from her usual anxiety or the cold, I couldn’t tell.
What I found even more unclear was why she seemed so committed to sitting out here with me in spite of the fact that it was making her so uncomfortable. Was she doing it for my sake, and if so, why? It was so hard to tell anything with her. If she was going to insist on hovering around me like this, she could at least have the decency to be easier to read.
Regardless, if she wasn’t going to go back inside, then the least I could do is make it a little more bearable for her. With that in mind, I stood up and started taking off my jacket. Fluttershy looked up at me curiously as I slipped my arms out of the sleeves. Folding it in half, I handed it to her.
“Here,” I offered.
She looked at the jacket, then at me. “O-Oh, you don’t have to–”
“Take it,” I interrupted. “Honestly, it’s no big deal. I ride my motorcycle even in the dead of winter, so I’m pretty used to the cold. You, on the other hand, look like you’re about to freeze to death.”
Fluttershy reached out her hand, hesitating. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, gesturing for her to take it by holding it out closer to her.
As she grabbed the coat, I sat back down in the seat, my bare arms touching the cold metal armrests. While it was true that I was used to the cold, I immediately regretted surrendering my coat. It was too late for that, though. It’s not like I could just ask for it back after insisting she wear it. Instead, I just rolled my pajama sleeves down, knowing that wouldn’t suffice, but also knowing it was better than nothing.
Once she had the jacket on, she sat back down as well. Within just about a minute, I could see her shivering subside, her cheeks still splashed with pink but unmoving as her teeth quickly stopped chattering. Even if we were out here under dubious circumstances, no one could ever say I didn't do something nice for her.
A slight smile spread across my lips as I looked at her. It was amusing to see how big my jacket looked on her lithe body. It wasn’t like it didn’t fit that well—Fluttershy was the same height as me—but she was certainly thinner than me, and the jacket accentuated that.
Not only that, but I would have never imagined her wearing a leather jacket—not just because it looked kind of silly on her, but because of the material. As an animal lover, I thought she’d be offended at the idea of wearing a leather jacket, but maybe she could tell it wasn’t real leather.
The uncomfortable silence between us returned, my own personal discomfort now augmented by a lack of warm clothing. Still, I wasn’t going to budge on this. The only way I could get out of this reliably was if she were to be the one to surrender first and go back to bed. If I tried to leave early, she might catch me in the act. That, and I’d have to ask for my jacket back. If I was just locked in before, I was fully committed now.
My thoughts of escaping were derailed as Fluttershy spoke up. “Uhm, can I ask you something?”
Looking toward her, I pursed my lips. “Uhh, sure?”
“Do you usually have trouble sleeping?”
My eyes threatened to widen as I stared into hers, but I stopped them right before they could. That wasn’t a question I was expecting to hear, nor was it one I particularly wanted to be asked either. And besides, why did she want to know something that specific anyway? Immediately, I grew suspicious, but I kept my cool.
“Here and there, sure.” I kept my lie short and simple, hoping she would pick up the hint that this wasn’t something I wished to discuss.
Instead, she continued. “I was just wondering because you seemed pretty tired when you got here, and–”
“I worked a full shift, remember?” I interrupted, looking away from her. “Of course I’d be tired after that.” Immediately, I felt a twist in my gut. My reply was rude, but that was necessary. She was quickly approaching dangerous territory with her questions, and being terse was the best way to avoid that.
Unfortunately, she continued again. “W-Well, if it’s okay to ask, is there a reason you’re having trouble sleeping tonight?”
Clenching my jaw, I suppressed the exasperated sigh that I'd been holding in since we were in the living room. Why was it so hard for her to take a hint?
“Hard to sleep anywhere that’s not my own bed, that’s all,” I answered curtly. “Is there a certain reason you’re so interested in my sleeping habits?” I was still trying to keep myself composed, but it was getting hard to hide my agitation.
“O-Oh, no! I just– umm, I– nevermind.” Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I could tell she was still worried about me. Despite her concern, my bitter deflection left her sounding discouraged and defeated.
Guilt began freely flowing through me yet again. I knew it wasn’t right to let things rest there, but I just didn’t want to talk. But as time dragged on, it became impossible for me to let the conversation die like that. Even if she was being annoyingly curious about something I was far from eager to talk about, she didn’t deserve to be snapped at like that. Instead of allowing silence to fall over us again, I asked her a question without even thinking about it first.
“Why do you care so much?” I asked, my question coming out much sharper than I intended.
“W-Well,” she began, sounding more nervous now, “you’re my friend, and I care about you like I do any of my other friends.”
Realizing that was nearly identical to the answer she gave me the last time I asked this kind of question, I scoffed. “Yeah, but I’m not ‘any of your other friends,’ I’m the girl that bullied you constantly for a solid two or three years. Why would you care about that?”
“Are you saying we’re not friends?”
“No!” I exclaimed, quickly ducking my head briefly when I realized how loud that came out. “I mean, yeah, sure, I guess we are, but–”
“Then that’s all that matters,” she interrupted. “You want to be my friend, and I want to be yours, so that makes us friends. That’s why I care.”
Rolling my eyes, I exhaled sharply. “Yeah, and I bet if I wanted to be your friend a year ago, you wouldn’t say that.”
“I would,” she replied without missing a beat. My head slowly turned to her, my expression as perplexed as it was incredulous.
“…Are you sure about that?” To my amazement, she confidently nodded, a smile on her face. “But, why?”
“Just because you were a bully doesn’t mean I thought you were any less of a person than anyone else.” Fluttershy shrank into herself as she realized her awkward choice of words. “W-Well, I mean, maybe ‘person’ isn’t the right word, but–.”
Before she got too caught up in her wording, I held my hand up. “I get it, don’t worry.”
After a bashful glance, she continued. “When I was little, my mom always used to say that ‘everyone acts the way they do for a reason.’ It may not always be a good reason, but there’s almost always one there. You might have hurt me a lot, but even at the worst of times, I could never shake the feeling that wasn’t who you really were. There was a reason behind how you treated me and everyone else, and underneath that tough exterior, there was someone who just wanted someone to be nice to them.
“Even before the Fall Formal happened, that’s how I felt. And while I still don’t totally understand everything about that night, I knew that had to be part of the reason.”
Blinking hard, I felt a twist in my stomach. The words I'd chosen for my rebuttal halfway through her explanation went flying out of my head at the mention of those two words. Before I could impulsively apologize for the Formal, however, Fluttershy continued.
“To tell you the truth, I-I was still scared of you for a little while after the Formal. That whole week was the craziest time of my entire life, so I didn’t know what to expect after that. Eventually, though, I realized I didn’t have to be afraid of you anymore. You didn’t have that reason to be a bully anymore. In fact, you had more reasons not to be a bully. You had reasons to start being who you really are.” She looked off to the side, intentionally draping her hair over her face. “And I-I guess I wanted to be one of those reasons.”
Even in the pale light of the night sky, and even behind the hair she hid behind, I could see blush splash across her face. It was confusing, but I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to focus on that for long. There was something else she said that filled me with a mix of emotions.
“You… you’re not afraid of me?” I asked.
It was a simple gesture, but seeing her shake her head in response to that question shook me to my core. “I’m not. You’ve been so nice to me lately, I don’t think I could be afraid of you anymore.”
My mind was quickly flooded and washed out by so many feelings at once. There were no words I could summon in response. I was stunned and confused, but above that, I was wrong. All this time, I thought she was being nice to me because she was afraid of me, and I was wrong. I couldn’t remember any time in my life in which I had ever been happier to be wrong about something.
“I understand you feel bad about everything between us, and I appreciate it too, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends now.” A knowing grin spread across her face. “We just got off to a bad start, that’s all.”
It was still impossible for me to find the right words to say to her. Instead, all I could do was give her a strained smile. It wasn’t strained because I was forcing it, but because I felt awful. All this time I thought her motivations were purely selfish, when in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only that, but I’d been trying my hardest to shut her out when she was just worried about me. She’d only ever wanted to be my friend, and had we not had this conversation, I may have kept pushing her away with my unrelenting cynicism toward her until she gave up.
Right away, I wanted to apologize. But for what? She wasn’t aware how long I’d been convinced she had ulterior motives—as far as I knew, she didn't even know that's what I thought that at all. What good would it have done for either of us to tell her I hadn’t believed anything she’d done for me was for any reason beyond her own benefit? There was only one way I could see to set it right; I needed to be honest, but in a different way.
Before I could start overthinking, I shoved the first words I could think of out of myself. “I should be honest about something.”
Fluttershy leaned forward attentively as I drew in a deep breath. “You asked me if I usually have trouble sleeping and… I lied. I do. A lot. It’s not just ‘here and there,’ it’s been a chronic thing… for months now.”
Fluttershy lifted her hands over her mouth. “Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry. Do you have any idea why?” she replied, her tone so sympathetic you would have thought I’d just told her someone in my family had died.
With a deep sigh, I prepared myself to admit something I never wanted to talk to anyone about. Resting my arms on the table, I looked down and spoke up again.
“This is so stupid but… nightmares. I’ve had them nonstop since the Formal, and I haven’t slept a full night since then. I haven’t fallen asleep tonight because I know I’m just going to have another. It’s part of why I decided to sleep in the living room instead of with all of you.” After a brief pause, I looked up and held up a finger. “Though, part of the reason is those freaky mannequins, too. I wasn’t lying about that.” That wasn’t a joke, but I tried to lighten my tone to keep the mood between us from getting too serious.
Fluttershy let out a breath that sounded like a chuckle, but it was too quiet to tell. After that, there was an uncomfortable pause in our conversation. I wanted to explain more—what happens in the nightmares, how bad it had gotten, the specter of my former self constantly haunting me in them every night—but my mind fought me on it. It was like it recognized that everything I'd just said was embarrassing, and it was trying to prevent me from humiliating myself any further.
Her own lack of a follow-up made me think she, too, realized how dumb of a reason that was to be kept awake at night. She was probably trying not to laugh, thinking about how that was something else I feared that she didn’t. Instead of continuing, I just sat there, going back and forth in an internal tug of war.
“That’s not stupid at all, especially if you can’t sleep because of it. That sounds horrible, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that.” She scooted her chair closer, placing her hand on my arm. Even with how cold it was outside, her hand was still warm, and that warmth slowly spread from my arm to the rest of my body.
Her words were meant to bring me comfort, but they only brought me reasons to argue. More than anything, I wanted her to know that I understood what was happening was my fault, and that, to a certain degree, I deserved everything I was going through. But, for some reason, I still couldn’t say anything. We just sat together quietly, the warmth of her touch gradually filling me with an inexplicable feeling.
After almost a full minute, Fluttershy took her hand back and spoke up once again. “I, umm… I-I should be honest about something, too.”
Looking over at her, I noticed she was looking more visibly anxious by the second. I wanted to prompt her to continue, but I just stared at her as she prepared her own admission.
“I-I… wasn’t really having trouble sleeping tonight. I actually haven’t gone to sleep at all yet because… well, I’ve been wondering if something like this was happening, and I wanted to be there for you in case I was right.”
My eyes darted back and forth before I could push a word out of myself. “Really?” She nodded, refusing to look in my direction.
Thinking the conversation might be getting too dramatic once again, I smirked at her. “So what, that’s why you invited me? So you could do a sleep study on me without me knowing?”
“Wha? N-No! Honest! I was just–”
“Relax, I’m just messing with you,” I interrupted.
Fluttershy continued with her frantic explanation regardless. “I swear, before I came to check on you, I hadn't been downstairs at any point. I was just… well, listening really carefully. I-If it wasn’t for the noise I heard, I would have stayed upstairs and never said a word, honestly.”
That didn’t do much to make me feel better, but I wasn’t sure if I even needed to feel better. Knowing she was paying such close attention to me weirded me out more than anything. I could tell her intentions were pure, but I was still left without any idea of how to react to that information.
“Well… thanks, I guess?” While I was genuinely grateful she was looking out for me all night, I couldn’t mask the confusion in my voice. “Why were you worried I wasn’t sleeping, though?”
“There’s a couple reasons,” Fluttershy began, her eyes meeting mine for only a split second before promptly flitting away in another direction. “Rarity told me about when she met you at the mall. She said you told her you hadn’t slept the night before; and when she tried to ask why you’d been awake so long, you wouldn’t give an answer. The only other thing she said you told her was that you’d been dealing with it for a while.”
That made a lot of sense, but her clarification came at the price of being moderately irritated. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed at Rarity for spilling my business to the others. Even if it was just Fluttershy—someone who was extremely unlikely to tell anyone else—that only made me more apprehensive about opening up to her in the future. It wasn’t like that was the most sensitive information, but I dreaded the idea that she may have blabbed about her harebrained theory that Rainbow Dash had a crush on me to any of the other girls.
“There’s more I should tell you, too,” she continued, taking a deep breath. “You remember when I met you in the bathroom? When I asked you to come to band practice with us?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Well… before that day, I’d never even been inside that bathroom. I didn’t even know it was part of the school until a bit before then,” she paused as if she was expecting me to respond, but when I couldn't find any words, she pushed on.
“About a month ago, I noticed you were leaving lunch early every now and then, and I started to worry. S-So I followed you one day, just to make sure everything was okay.” Fluttershy put her hands up defensively. “I-I know how that sounds—especially after everything else I just said—but once I thought you were just going to the bathroom, I was going to leave. But then I overheard you, and…”
Her voice trailed off as I stared at her, my mouth hanging slightly agape. Suddenly, it made a lot more sense why she showed up in the bathroom that day, but I was more surprised by the fact that Fluttershy of all people had done something like that. I was also mildly embarrassed by the fact that that meant she had more than likely heard me ramble to myself when I thought no one was listening.
“I-I couldn’t understand most of what you were saying, but you sounded really upset, and I remember you mentioning how you were ‘tired of being tired all the time.’ After that, I couldn’t help but notice how exhausted you always looked, and I started to feel horrible about how little we’d been doing for you. That whole time, we were supposed to be taking care of you—like any good friends should—yet you felt like you had to run away from us while struggling with so much else.”
So many emotions began to swell within me. First, I felt empty. I had always assumed I put up a good front—no one could tell there was something wrong with me unless they looked very close. Were my constant feelings of dejection and exhaustion actually that easy to see? Could everyone else see just how miserable I was, or was Fluttershy the only one who ever noticed without me having to point it out first?
On one hand, the idea of looking as downtrodden and pathetic as I felt in front of all the others at CHS every day terrified me, but the notion that Fluttershy was the only one who could spot how I felt made me feel hollow. Did she care that much more about me than anyone else, or was she the only one who cared at all? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know; neither answer seemed all that comforting.
Despite the flood of sadness engulfing me, my temper was threatening to ignite. Even if her intentions were good, that was proof that she was being nice to me out of pity. We’d become friends, gotten closer, and now we were here—all because she felt bad for me. In fact, they had probably planned the entire sleepover around me after I told Rarity about my sleep issues. It’s the only thing that made sense. It was the only way to explain why they were so insistent about me coming. The idea of being a charity case to them had always made me bitter, but hearing it confirmed made me full on enraged.
However, both of these feelings were smothered by a realization: was pity really all that bad?
For months now, I’d been dealing with so many of my personal issues on my own, rarely asking for any help or support, and seldom had things ever gotten any better. Sure, I wanted to handle this myself—these were my problems, after all—but what was I doing? What more could I do at that point? Even if she pitied me, as long as she was there for me, did any of that really matter? Fluttershy cared, and she had cared for a while—maybe more than anyone else. In the end, isn’t that what mattered the most?
She followed me after I left the lunch table early, not just because she felt bad for me, but because she wanted to find out what was wrong. She invited me to band practice, not just because she felt bad for me, but because she thought that including me would make me feel better. She was so nice to me, and not just because she felt bad for me, but because she didn’t want me to feel bad anymore. Once that revelation fully sank in, I felt awash with an indescribable feeling.
That’s when it dawned on me: what was compassion but pity with the will to help and understand?
Of course, the nastiest parts of my mind wouldn’t take this lying down. Even if I were to accept her goodwill, there was a black hole in the pit of my gut, and I knew why it was there. I knew I deserved none of her kindness. After everything was said and done, everything I was going through came as a result of my own actions. What right to kindness did I have, if any? Especially from someone I’d done so much harm to? I had signed away my right to compassion long ago, and it was my moral obligation to uphold that unspoken contract.
After a while without a response, Fluttershy spoke once again. “I-I’m really sorry about the nightmares, and I’m really sorry for how little we’ve all done for you. If I knew it was this bad, I would have tried to do something sooner.”
Hearing her say that made me wince. It was a similar sentiment Principal Celestia had expressed the week prior, and just like when she'd said that, I felt hollow once again.
A mirthless chuckle escaped my lips. “Why?” I asked. “Why are you apologizing? What could you—or any of the other girls—have done about it? Besides, it’s not like I don’t deserve it.”
“But you don’t deserve it,” she firmly replied.
Finally turning to face her again, I squinted. “How can you say that? After everything I did—to you, to your friends, to everyone at CHS—how do I not deserve that?”
Fluttershy grabbed my arm once more, that familiar feeling of warmth colliding with the swelling storm of emotions inside of me like oil and water. “Just because you did those things doesn’t mean you should suffer for it forever. That’s not fair to you, and it doesn’t help anyone.”
A war to maintain composure broke out inside of me as I swallowed the lump building in my throat. “The only thing that’s not fair is what I did.” As Fluttershy opened her mouth to reply, I let out another humorless, exasperated laugh. “I mean, did you forget? I drove you, your best friend, and all your other friends apart. I gave you, and everyone else at school, numerous reasons to fear me. Then I tried to take over the world. I almost killed you and the rest of the girls in the process! I think nightmares and insomnia are the least of what I deserve, and if you don't agree with that, you've completely lost your mind.”
“I haven't,” she asserted. “No matter what, you don’t deserve that or anything worse.”
As I gawked at her, I struggled to come up with a coherent thought. It was impossible for me to understand how she could not only say that, but sound so convincing when she did, too. What was wrong with her?
“What you did was wrong, and I know you feel guilty about it, but your nightmares don’t help me or any of the girls feel better about anything. They don’t do anything to help anyone else you’ve hurt, either. If they don’t do anything to make things right, what’s the point of you suffering through them other than to make you miserable?”
"That's the whole point!" I snapped. "I'm supposed to be miserable! Those are the consequences of my actions. If I didn't want this, I should have thought about it before I decided to spend so much of my life being awful to everyone around me. The nightmares keep me in check—they keep me from going back to being who I used to be."
"But do they?" she questioned. "Are the nightmares really what's keeping you from becoming the monster you used to be, or is it yourself? Are the nightmares why you've changed so much over the last few months, or is it because you know who you used to be isn't who you really are?"
“I…” I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing beyond that escaped me.
Fluttershy’s grip on my arm tightened as she sternly looked me in the eye. “The only thing they do is hurt you and make you more miserable—nothing else! You being sleep deprived won’t heal anyone you hurt. It won’t fix anything you’ve broken. It doesn’t make me feel any better about anything that happened between us. Just because you’re hurting, doesn’t mean that anyone else is healing.
“I’m proud of you for owning up to all that you’ve done wrong. Even if you don’t feel like it, you’ve come such a long way since the Fall Formal! And if you want to make things right, you’ll keep being the best that you can be—just like you have been! That’s how you can make it up to everyone.”
Her chair scraped against the wood as she scooted closer to me again, both her hands clasping my arm, the look in her eyes every bit as firm as it was comforting. “That’s how you can make it up to me.”
My mouth tried every syllable it could, but the lump in my throat kept me from making a sound to match any of them.
“You deserve to sleep soundly, you deserve to have friends—no matter what’s happened, no matter what anyone else says, no matter what you tell yourself—you deserve kindness, just like anyone else.”
It was nearly impossible to believe those words had been spoken to me by anyone, let alone the person who I once considered my favorite victim. How was I supposed to react to that? Should I disagree? Should I be upset that she’d even suggest I don’t deserve to be punished? Should I have just laid down and accepted her words? The treads of my mind raced, but they were muddied by my exhaustion, and nothing coherent could run forward.
At least, at first. Eventually, my brain began to stitch together all of the pieces before me, and once everything was woven together, the pattern it presented made me nauseous.
This entire situation was impossible. None of this made sense. Maybe she’d told me I’ve changed earlier in the night, but she would never say those things. If she did, she certainly wouldn’t do so with such conviction. No, there had to be something else going on here, and I had a sickening feeling I knew exactly what was happening.
Looking down at her hands on my arm, I realized something: I couldn't remember pulling my sleeves down. In my mind, that was more than enough to confirm my worst fears: this wasn’t reality. Sometime earlier in the night, I’d fallen asleep without realizing it, and now, She was trying to get the drop on me.
Snatching my arm out her hands, I narrowed my eyes. “I’m not falling for this.”
The smile that had been on Fluttershy’s face for the past few minutes quickly dissolved into confusion. “F-Falling for what?”
Standing up from my chair, I scowled at her. “This is just another nightmare; I’m not stupid!”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as I took a step back. If this were the real Fluttershy, my glare would be met with fear, but she didn’t seem afraid at all, only worried. “Wh–No, wait, Sunset, listen to me. This isn’t–”
“Why would you do this—this, specifically—to me?” I cried, slowly backing away from her. “Is it not enough that you remind me of every shitty thing I’ve ever done every night; that you force me to look at how much worse things could have been? You have to make shit like this up just to get my hopes up?”
Even though I knew it’d do nothing to intimidate Her, I held on firmly to my rage. The fact that I’d realized it before She sprung the trap bolstered my confidence. As terrified as I was, this was a new low for Her, and even if my anger would do nothing more than amuse Her, I was going to make it heard. It was only a matter of time before I saw that nasty smirk of Hers, and once I did, I knew what would come next, so I had to make what little time I had left before then count.
But as I held my intense stare, nothing happened. Fluttershy—if that really was her—didn’t grin wickedly. Her skin didn’t melt into the demon I’d grown so unfortunately familiar with. There was no ear-splitting cackle like I'd come to anticipate. She just stood up and inched toward me, looking as concerned as she was frightened.
“Sunset, just take a deep breath,” she said. “This isn’t a dream, this is real. Everything happening right now is really happening.” Her tone was calm, but nothing about that did anything to quell my panic. If this were the real Fluttershy, my aggression would have sent her running by now.
“Bullshit!” I yelled, continuing to backpedal. “Why don’t you just give up the act already?”
Fluttershy followed with slow, careful steps of her own. “Sunset, please. I promise everything is okay, just—”
“No!” I shouted. “There’s no way any of this is real! You’re not, I’m, I-I–” my heart stopped momentarily, my blood running cold as my back met the wall of Rarity’s house. This was it. I had made the best with what time I had left, but I was right where She wanted me. At any moment, she would lunge forward and latch onto me until I woke up. And when I did, I’d be all alone again.
My back slid against the wall as I let myself fall to the ground, the facsimile Fluttershy slowly moving toward me. Tears quickly filled my eyes, spilling down my cheeks before I had a chance to wipe them away. I curled into myself, cowering and hugging my knees as I waited for the confirmation that all of this—this entire night, and this conversation with Fluttershy—had all been one big trick my mind was playing on me. How could I be naïve enough to believe any of this? Was I that desperate to believe such an obvious trap? Was I finally, truly breaking?
But as the seconds dragged on like days, nothing happened. There was no evil cackle, no taunting, no burning sensations spreading through my skin like I’d grown accustomed to. Instead, a pair of arms softly and steadily wrapped themselves around my shoulders. Their embrace was firm, but not tight. Their body against my own was warm; not searing hot like I was expecting. And when they spoke, their voice was sincere, and every bit as warm as the hug I found myself swaddled in.
“It’s okay, Sunset. Just breathe for me. You’re okay, and everything is fine. You aren’t dreaming, I’m real. All of this is all real.”
If She was still holding to this illusion, she was doing a terrifyingly good job. Each word she spoke was teeming with compassion, and it was getting difficult not to accept the comfort she was trying to give. Would She really have waited this long? In the past, She was rarely this patient, but considering how much worse the nightmares had been, I was afraid to take any chances.
Until she spoke up again.
“It’s really me, and I’m here for you. You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”
All at once, the walls inside of me began to crumble. Such simple sentences, and even though they had been delivered so delicately, they were more than strong enough to penetrate the layers of fear, anger, and disbelief I cowered behind.
Maybe it really was her. Maybe I didn’t have to be afraid. And maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to do this alone anymore.
Regardless, there was nowhere left to run. Whether it was really Fluttershy or just an illusion of her, I was cornered. The only thing left to do was to accept whatever came next, and hope that if this was all one big ruse, I’d wake up soon.
If this was a trick, then so be it. She had finally broken me, and the dam of emotions had collapsed. I could no longer contain myself as I’d been doing for months. Throwing myself at her, I wrapped my arms tightly around her, burying my face into her chest as I began sobbing uncontrollably.
When her grip faltered, I felt my stomach almost fall out of my body. Momentarily, I thought I’d been fooled, and my body tensed as I prepared for the worst. But moments later I felt myself in her embrace once more; this time with an even greater feeling of security than before.
It really was her. All of this was as real as real could get. And as relieving as that was, it only caused me to cry even harder.
Even still, there was still a voice in the back of my mind screaming at me to get up. Even if this weren’t a dream, I looked unbelievably pathetic, blubbering like a newborn foal. I wanted to be mad at myself. I was vulnerable, exposed, and emotionally raw; a way I absolutely hated to be, but I couldn’t pull myself away from her. There wasn’t a single coherent sentence, word, or thought inside me. I couldn’t stop, nor do anything other than what I was already doing: crying and clinging to Fluttershy for dear life.
Sure, maybe I did look pathetic. Maybe I was pathetic. But was that such a bad thing? What had I been doing for the past few months aside from pretending I wasn’t? Was I even convincing anyone aside from myself at this point? Was I even convincing myself anymore? Was my pride too high a price for the comfort I so desperately coveted? The sympathy I was in such dire need of?
The longer I stayed in Fluttershy’s embrace, the clearer the answers to those questions became.
The last thing I remember was her picking me up off the floor of the deck, and both of us entering the house together afterwards. After that, it all got fuzzy. Time became a blur, as did everything around me. Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to speak, and we talked more, but I couldn’t tell you what either of us said. Our words sounded like a different language, yet somehow, I still spoke with her just the same. Everything else that came afterward is completely blank in my mind.
And maybe, that was for the best.
The sharp sound of curtains being scraped across a metal rod suddenly assaulted my ears, followed by harsh beams of blinding light raining down on me. Holding up my hand, I shielded my eyes from the warm sunlight beaming through the living room window. When the light kept shining down on me, I turned over in my sleeping bag to face the opposite direction, preparing to go back to sleep. After all, it was Sunday and I had the day off; what could it hurt to sleep in for an extra few hours? With that in mind, I let out a gentle sigh, ready to drift off for however long my body would let me.
That’s when my eyes shot open.
Sitting up in my sleeping bag, I looked toward the window again, almost falling back down on the floor from the dizziness caused by my sudden rise. I blinked hard until my eyes finally began to adjust to the level of illumination in the room. Rarity was standing over at the end of the window, having just pulled the curtains back. As my cloudy eyes sluggishly adjusted to the waking world, I noticed she was smirking; almost as if she was trying not to giggle about something.
“Well, it’s about time you woke up,” she playfully chided.
“For real,” said Dash who was sitting on the loveseat nearby. “We thought you might have been in a coma or something.” Dash chuckled as she looked at my face. I wasn’t sure what was so funny to either of them, but I was too dazed to care.
“About time…?” I blearily repeated. “Wait, what time is it?”
“Just a touch past one in the afternoon. You were asleep so long that I’m afraid Pinkie Pie and Applejack have already departed, so–”
“One o’clock!?” I shouted.
Rarity’s eyes went wide at my sudden increase in volume. “Yes, darling. I apologize if you wished to be awoken sooner. I tried to wake you multiple times, but you’d turn over and fall right back asleep every time I did. I knew you were exhausted, but if I’d known it was that bad, I’d have suggested we retire earlier in the night than we did.”
“Yeah, it was kinda funny,” Dash remarked. “When I came downstairs after I woke up, she was trapped because you’d rolled over into Rarity’s lap. She practically begged me to help pry you off of her.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity barked. “I told you specifically not to bring that up!”
Dash furrowed her brow. “Aww, come on! What does it matter? Besides, it was funny!”
“Perhaps to you,” she argued, looking away and crossing her arms as she pouted.
“Aheh, sorry about that.” My cheeks burned momentarily. That was a little embarrassing, but I didn’t spend long on that thought. The realization that I’d slept through a whole night without interruption demanded priority over all other thoughts. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick.”
Jumping out of my sleeping bag, I practically jogged to the bathroom. It felt a little rude to run away from both of them so quickly, but that wasn’t my concern. As I left the room, I could hear Dash laugh about something, so they probably didn’t even care.
In my hurry to get there, I nearly ran into Fluttershy in the hallway, but I managed to stop moments before disaster.
“Shit!” I exclaimed. “Sorry about that.”
Fluttershy took a couple of seconds to respond, staring up at my face as if she were shocked and confused to see me. “O-Oh, that’s okay,” she replied. “Umm… did you sleep well?”
I wanted nothing more than to scream about the fact that I’d actually slept through the night without having a nightmare, but the emotions bubbling inside of me threatened to turn me into a wreck not unlike the one I became last night. Instead, I just smiled, and judging by the smile she returned, she understood what that meant.
Before I could continue to the bathroom, Fluttershy pulled me into another hug. “Oh, that’s such a relief,” she remarked as she squeezed me tight. Her sudden embrace caught me by surprise, but I was just so elated to have slept that I held her just as close.
As urgent as it felt to run to the bathroom so I could let out all the emotions I was brimming with, I didn’t want to let go of our hug. For a solid minute, maybe two, we just stood in the hallway in each other’s arms. It was probably a little awkward for her, but I just couldn’t help myself. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt rested, and I had her to thank for it. Swallowing as I anticipated another lump rising in my throat, I said the only thing I could muster without breaking down again.
“Thank you,” I muttered. “For last night, and… everything else, too.”
She pulled away, smiling at me as we held each other’s arms. “That’s what friends are for.”
Eventually, she pulled away, and that’s when I took my chance to go to the bathroom. As I closed the door behind me, I faintly heard Fluttershy sternly call Rainbow Dash’s name. Everyone seemed to be acting a little strange this morning, which was worrying. Why were Rarity and Dash trying so hard not to laugh, and why did Fluttershy sound upset with Dash?
As I saw my reflection in the mirror, I quickly began to put everything together. The smile I’d entered the bathroom with quickly fell into a flat expression. On my left cheek was a crude drawing of a dick in black marker, and there was hardly a question as to who would do something like that.
But as quickly as my grin left me, it returned. Dash might have pulled a stupid ‘prank’ on me, but what did that matter? I couldn’t even begin to give a shit. I’d slept through almost an entire night, and not once did I have a single nightmare! That gave me such a good feeling that I could find humor in almost anything.
As I walked away from the mirror and toward the toilet, I sat on the closed lid and held my head in my hands. It felt absurd, but a few tears spilled from my eyes. On a normal day, I’d be annoyed at the fact that I was crying. But, for the first time in a very long time—possibly ever—these tears weren’t borne out of anger, frustration, or sadness. They were happy tears.
Thankfully, I didn’t cry for very long, partially because I was distracted by trying not to make any noise, but also because I didn’t want to spend any more time in the bathroom than I had to. The ‘sleep’ portion of the sleepover might have been over, but I still had some time with some of my friends.
As that thought passed through my head, I smiled even wider. They were my friends. They were my friends. Perhaps it’s something I should have internalized sooner, but at that moment, it finally sank in: I wasn’t alone—not anymore.
Passing by the mirror one more time, I noticed my tears had smeared my new temporary tattoo. Now it was a dick with a nice big smudge of black behind and around it. I thought about trying to wash it off completely, but Rainbow Dash would probably get more of a kick out of seeing how much worse it looked now. Laughing to myself, I exited the bathroom.
Making my way to where everyone was hanging out, I stood in the doorway between the foyer and the living room, leaning against the wall. As I scanned the room, I noticed Dash looked like she might lose it at any second. When I narrowed my eyes at her, she burst into a fit of laughter so hard she almost choked.
“Bahahahahaha!” she laughed hysterically. “Oh man, I’m sorry! But you were just laying there for so long, I couldn’t help myself!” Dash seemed to be the most entertained by her own joke out of everyone else in the room.
“I’m terribly sorry for Rainbow Dash’s juvenile sense of humor, Sunset. It’s partially my fault. I kept telling her not to do it, but I left her alone in the room with you for one minute, and, well…” Rarity’s voice trailed off as she looked away. She was still trying to pretend she didn’t find it funny, but I could tell she was making a valiant effort to hold back a smirk.
Fluttershy rolled her eyes and shrugged, holding a deadpan glare in Rainbow Dash’s direction, clearly a little upset with Dash on my behalf. And if this had been the day before, I might have been a little upset about it, too. Instead, I joined Rainbow Dash in laughing about it. To her credit, it was a little funny. I just hoped it would cleanly wash off before school the next day.
“Very funny,” I sarcastically remarked. “Don’t you think you could have been a little more creative? I mean, like… just a dick? Really?”
“Oh yeah?” Dash contended. “And what would you have done?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Two dicks, probably. One for each cheek”
Rainbow Dash chuckled, pointing at me. “I like the way you think, Shimmer.” Lowering her hand, she looked over at Fluttershy, her lips spreading into a sly grin. “So that means you’re not mad at me, right?” She was clearly asking to absolve herself of any wrongdoing to Fluttershy, but I went along with it regardless.
Crossing my arms, I smirked at her. “You are the actual worst, but no, I’m not mad.” I pointed a finger at her. “That said, don’t think I won’t remember this. I will, and I will have my revenge.”
“Yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” she replied incredulously.
“Why would I tell you?” I shot back. “You’ll know when the time is right—when it’s already too late—and it’ll be when you least expect it.”
Dash didn’t respond with words, only more laughter. I was only partially joking, though. She’d get hers eventually, but I’d have to give that some serious thought. It’s not like pranks were unfamiliar territory for me, but pulling them off in a way that wasn’t mean-spirited might be a bit of a challenge.
As I glanced over at Fluttershy, I noticed she looked visibly uncomfortable after our exchange. Thinking she might believe I was genuinely upset over this, I shot her a smile and a wink. Thankfully, that silent gesture seemed to put her at ease. Considering all she did to do that for me the night before, it felt nice to give back, even if it was in such a small way.
I was going to remember Dash’s little prank, but I’d remember what Fluttershy did for me more. One day I’d give back to her. I wasn’t sure how, and I was even less sure when; I just knew I had to.
And no matter what, I would. It’s what she deserved.
The End
Sorry for adding even more words to this LOL
I have a lot of gratitude I want to express. First and foremost, a massive thank you is due to my editors EileenSaysHi and NudistSquid. I know I've shown my gratitude to these two in almost every single author's note, blog entry, and description of any story they've helped me with, but it bears repeating—as loudly and often as I can. It cannot be understated how absolutely vital these two, their hard work, and support have been to me and this story. I can point to multiple instances where their input changed the course of this story, and each time that has happened it has nudged this story toward an even better trajectory than it was headed in. They do all they do for me (which amounts to quite a bit of work) just because they like my story, and that feels so surreal to me. I'd be lost without these two. Love y'all fr <3
Another huge thanks to everyone who has tracked, fav'd, kept up with and frequently commented on this story so far. When I first started posting my fics, I was content with the fact that no one would probably care. Since then, I've received way more followers than I ever expected, and so many nice comments. There are a few comments on this story I go back to every time I'm feeling insecure about my writing—some of which come from authors whose work I greatly respect and admire. Y'all are the best. You make this skittish recluse feel valued.
Originally, there was a plan forward from here, but I've decided that this is where this story should rest. This part of the narrative will continue one day, but it needs its own story so that part has room to breathe. To those of you who've tracked and waited for an update, I apologize. To those of you at the end for the first time, thank you for reading.
Lastly, here's some fanart of one of the last scenes in this chapter that I'm STILL buzzing about months after I meant to put it here.
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An excellent ending to Act I. Very excited to see where Act II goes.
That was WONDERFUL and I can't wait for Act II going forward!
I’m usually not the biggest fan of Fluttershy but this sort of a scene uses her perfectly! I also love Sunsets fear that this is just another nightmare, it felt a very real and desperate way to push away compassion.
Just a minor thing but
This should probably have either Sunsets line be you’re crazy or Fluttershy’s response be I haven’t. Right now it doesn’t quite line up.
Looking forward to Act 2 though!
11543257
Excellent catch! Thanks for that, and for your kind words
Nice Update!
Brilliant as always! Really excited for the second act. Your Sunset across this and CYSWIS is probably my favorite I've read yet.
Go, Fluttershy, go!
In all seriousness, though, this was amazing. This is the climax of everything that’s happened in Chapters 1-8 and it pays off so beautifully. I love the opening with Sunset’s inner angst and Flutters barging in like the awesome friend she is. Flutters’ words of encouragement and kindness are just chef’s kiss.
You are a genius, Avery. And I can’t wait to see what’ll happen next.
Slam-dunk awesome.
Sunset really needs to tell her friends before this gets worse.
Wait, why isn't she sleeping with tech rest of her friends?
I always questioned why people would often refer Sunset as a charity chase but after reading many fanfics stories on it including many of my own, I've come to understand the reason behind it and it's indeed sad.
That's gonna leave a mark!
Never let your thoughts get ahold of you Sunset, or else this'll happen.
https://m.Wow!
She's right.
intimidate her,*
before she sprung*
low for her,*
amuse her,*
where she wanted me.*
If she was still holding*
Would she really*
past, she*
There there Sunset, just release all that build up inside of you. Everything is going to be alright. Btw, this scene sure reminds me of a scene I did in my first fimfiction story that's sciset related.
How am I not surprised she'd have something drawn on her face.
cheek."*
11544311
Hi. I appreciate your comment, but most of your corrections are incorrect. I'm fully aware It's not the proper way to do things, but it's made pretty clear from context (and was established relatively early in the story) that the capitalized She and Her Sunset says is in reference to her demon. I promise you I did not unintentionally make the same capitalization error nine times in a row, nor did either of my editors happen to miss each one of them. Lastly, I am not trying to be rude, but please do not issue corrections in the comments. If it's an egregious and obvious mistake that makes the story difficult to follow or understand, please feel free to point it out, but if you can understand what the passage is saying, then just don't worry about it. Please and thank you!
11545003
Understood, I'll make sure not to do it again.
Yess, excellent, give me more juicy Sunset angst.
Though, from the looks of things, this story is on course to be considerably less angsty from here on. The catharsis of Sunset realizing it wasn't her traumatized mind playing tricks on her, that someone truly did care about her, nearly got me teary. Give me more juicy Sunset healing!
11545921
Fear not! There will be plenty of angst to come, and the road to recovery is long, arduous, and seldom ever linear.
this chapter has fit so much catharsis in it its insane. youre great at writing sunset's emotional state and its so satisfying just seeing her have a Win for once. its crazy to me that this fic is already at 75k words, because its been such a blast to read it really feels like nothing youve written so far is embellishment or bloating. this first act has been amazing, looking forward to what the second act brings!!
11546729
Thank you so much! I try my best to be economical with my words, so it's wonderful to hear my intrinsic wordiness has not been an issue in my writing. I hope you'll enjoy what I bring to you with the second act, and thank you so much for sticking with my story.
I hope you won't abandom this story I'm quite curious where this is going (and of course I very much want to see a...nice development of 'Shy and RD relantionship if you know what I mean
)
11552249
Rest assured, this fic will continue—sooner rather than later. I'm on break for a little while, but the story is still unfolding behind the scenes.
Ok it has taken me WAY too goddamn long to get back to reading this and actually finishing this chapter but I'm so so glad I did. I truly did not know what would happen between Sunset and Fluttershy in that backyard. I mean, I figured some kind of heart-to-heart would happen, but the way it all happened and how it was written was phenomenal as always, taking a concersation between two people and making it build itself more and more as it went on into becoming an intense battle of compassion versus self-punishment and then even sticking a little happy ending afterwards. This is such a good fucking send-off to the first act, but oh god it's only the first act.
Nobody's been able to guess what's going to happen next, huh? Well, if I haven't already said before I think Rarity IS right about Dashie probably having feelings for Sunset, but uhhh I dunno, perhaps she also has had feelings for Flutters and never quite could figure out a way to express them or even whether she could because she might be scared Flutters won't be so open to it because she thinks Flutters won't see their relationship as ever being able to become more than friendship and trying to act on those feelings would also ruin the friendship they've had for so long? And maybe part of her spite for Sunset is out of frustration because she now, on-top of viewing her as competition for Flutters, also views her as Very Hot and doesn't want to have these feelings get in the way of her feelings for Flutters which may or may not go anywhere but she's just so goddamn unsure of everything now and Sunset has made a hard situation much worse for those reasons, according to her? And maybe this ends up with Flutters and Dashie being kinda like, open-ended in a way like Flutters ends up bein like "hmm actually lets try and build our friendship into something better (like w some o the advice sunset suggested for one, both doin stuff for one another instead of just one side doin much more) and then stick with that for a while and THEN we will see how we feel"? And then in CYSWIS they will have still been in the "sticking with our newer better friendship and seein where it goes" stage? Ok I guess that is my prediction!!
Anyways thank you I love you
Just read. Great story. Added to read list.