Sunset knew making friends after the Fall Formal wouldn't be easy, but some make it so much harder than it needs to be.
Life's been hard for Sunset ever since the Fall Formal. She's chronically lonely, much of her free time is dedicated to work and studying, and her classmates still don't trust her. Regardless, she's committed to making things right and improving herself one day at a time.
Most of her new friends are trying to make her feel welcome, but everything feels so forced and awkward at first. This is made worse by Rainbow Dash who seems intent on making things difficult for Sunset. Are they just incompatible? Or is there a deeper reason they can't seem to get along?
"No one ever said this friendship thing was going to be easy,” I muttered.
That was a phrase I’d repeated to myself countless times over the past several months. It was supposed to give me hope. It was a reminder that, while things were rough right then, they wouldn't always be. It was an assurance that if I could just pretend to be nice for long enough, things were supposed to get better. It motivated me to fake being friendly until it stopped feeling fake, or at least until pretending became easier. And in the end, if I could just hold out long enough, there would come a day when my life didn't feel like a cruel joke.
Except all the hope those words used to carry had become dead weight. What was once a coping mechanism had been reduced to a compulsion. It didn't do anything to make me feel better, and after enough times, it was starting to make me feel worse, and I wasn’t sure hope was supposed to make you feel ill.
Staring at my weary reflection in the mirror, I could swear the bags under my eyes had gotten even heavier than they’d been in the morning. Maybe the acute lack of sleep I was suffering from was why that phrase made me so sick to my stomach. Then again, why bother narrowing it down to one thing when there was never a short supply of reasons to feel nauseous?
Every day was nothing but school and work, with school being the first and worst part of the day. Ever since that fateful Fall Formal, the students of Canterlot High still avoided me when they could, and when they couldn’t, they made it my problem.
If I didn’t practically run between classes with my eyes pointed toward the floor, I would be overwhelmed by their wayward glances and contemptuous glares. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop them from “accidentally” clipping my shoulder—sometimes just so they could accuse me of shoving them first—but the faster I moved, the less time there was for that to happen, so I learned to map out most of the school in my head just by memorizing specific floor tiles.
Strangely, the harassment didn’t make me feel nearly as bad as seeing someone cowering in my wake. The one time I’d gotten in trouble in recent memory was when I yelled at Microchips for trying to give me his lunch money every morning for a week after the Formal. It’s not like I wanted to explode at him, but even when I said I wouldn’t take his money anymore, he still hand-delivered it to me along with a reminder of everything I’d done every morning.
Eventually, I had enough, and when I did, I was told I was the problem. And that was a microcosm of what life at school was like—I hadn't done anything to anyone else before or since then, yet everyone acted like I was still the same Sunset as before. The only difference was in how they showed it.
Sure, at least I had “friends” now. You’d think that would make me feel better, wouldn’t you? It hardly did. To call them friends was a stretch. They were more like distant acquaintances, and they seemed content to keep it that way.
They may have let me sit with them at lunch, but I wasn’t really hanging out with them as much as I was a part of their background. They might have added me to their group chats, but the few times I tried to say anything, my messages went ignored. And even though they would invite me to hang out with them after school sometimes, I was either too tired or too poor to have fun with them. When I really thought about it, it was hard to blame them for not wanting to be friends with such a stick in the mud—especially one that had threateningly swiped at them so many times.
Everything about our “friendship” felt forced. Twilight had told them to look after me before she left for Equestria, and to their credit, they’d kept me around so far, but in the same way a prisoner keeps a ball and chain around their ankle. There was still a massive gulf between us, and even if my sail wasn’t in tatters, the winds were stagnant.
There was no denying it: they wanted to do this just as little as I did, but they didn’t want to disappoint the princess of friendship, so they did their best to tolerate me. I was an obligation, and if I wasn’t, they were just doing it out of pity. They must have thought they were all that I had. And the worst part?
They were all I had.
Some days, it felt like they were all waiting for me to snap and go back to being a total bitch—like they’d all agreed the moment they found a good enough reason to do so, they would toss me out. And some days, I felt like I should just do that and get it over with.
Today, I almost did.
We all met at their usual lunch table, as we’ve done nearly every day since winter break ended. Early on, I learned not to try to get a word in unless someone asked me something directly; since none of them ever stopped talking, I seldom ever spoke at lunch. But today, things were quiet at first, and that gave me a little more confidence than usual. I decided to try and add to the conversation when I had the opportunity.
That was a mistake.
At first, things were going well. I still didn’t have much to add, but the few times I said anything, no one’s smile immediately evaporated when they looked at me—not much, but it was something.
As I should have expected, that didn’t last. Every other time I opened my mouth, someone would cut me off until I couldn’t squeeze in a word. But that’s just what happens sometimes, right? You will get overlapped when you have a conversation among six different people. Everyone’s guilty of interrupting others now and then, so they say.
And maybe it was the sleep deprivation warping my perspective. Or maybe it was because of our history. Or maybe I randomly decided to make her the reason behind all my problems that day. Regardless, I could only notice one girl, in particular, doing it. It was Rainbow Dash.
Just Rainbow Dash.
Perhaps I should have tried to be a little more understanding. Even before we became friends, I knew Dash was loud and outgoing. Everyone does. That’s just her thing. And I thought maybe that’s one of her quirks I’d get used to with time.
But the well of understanding I had for her ran dry forever ago. No matter what I said or did, she was always so standoffish with me. Any time I was around her, she would deliberately avoid looking at or talking to me. The few times she did, she would make these playful “jabs” at my expense, usually bringing up things I’ve done in the past—stuff she probably knows I regret.
Overall, it was like she was going out of her way to make me feel unwelcome and doing an excellent job at it. The other girls were still apprehensive about me, but I could point to a moment with each of them where it at least felt like they were trying.
Except Rainbow Dash.
But what could I really do about it? Was I even allowed to be mad at that? She was only acting that way because of things I’d said and done, presumably. Ultimately, the way she treated me was yet another consequence of my actions. That did nothing to stop her attitude from infuriating me, but I resolved to direct that negativity toward the root of the issue: me.
All of that is what led me to where I was: staring down my reflection in the most sequestered bathroom in the school, splashing my face with cold water from the sink in hopes it would wake me up and cool me down, and psyching myself up enough to suffer through the rest of the day. There may have only been a few more hours left in the school day, but I could already tell every last hour would drag on like ten.
At least I didn’t have to work, so once it was over, I could go home and be miserable there instead of school until tomorrow morning, when the cycle would begin anew.
Before I could begin my next lap on the circuit of self-pity, a voice as sudden as it was timid derailed my train of thought.
“Umm, Sunset? Is everything okay?”
Its volume was hardly above a whisper, but it was still enough to startle me. This part of the school was remote and often bereft of any noise. It was uncommon to hear footsteps in the halls outside, so, when someone was coming, I'd usually hear them long before they entered the bathroom. When I looked up from the sink, it suddenly made a lot of sense why I hadn’t heard them coming.
“Fluttershy?” I asked. “What are you doing here?”
Somehow, she seemed more startled by my answer than I was by her. “O-Oh! Um, well, using the bathroom. Or, at least, I’m about to.”
It was hard to contain my surprise. I would have expected her to run if she saw me alone in a place like this, but there she was—asking me if I was okay, no less. If anything, she was probably relieved when she saw me disappear from the lunch table. It's not like she was trying to find me, right?
“Why not just use the one next to the cafeteria?” I asked.
“It’s too crowded in there so close to the end of lunch.” She looked away sheepishly. “Plus, since this bathroom is so out of the way, it's the one I feel most comfortable using.”
I nodded. It was a relief to know she wasn’t looking for me—a reaction even I found weird at the time—but her explanation made much more sense.
“Right, I’ll leave you to it. Catch you later.” Figuring she'd want me out of there as soon as possible, I wasted no time heading for the exit.
As I walked past her, she kept her attention on me. “Umm, sorry to ask again, but are you alright?”
I turned to face her once more, suppressing a skeptical look. “Yeah…? I’m fine, why?”
“I-I just noticed you left lunch early. I was going to catch up with you after school and ask you if everything was okay, b-but I figured I would now since you’re here,” she stammered, her eyes glancing around the room as she did.
So much for sneaking away unnoticed.
Something about her tone left me conflicted. There were hints of genuine concern, but she sounded fearful just the same. And while I could have done without being reminded she was still deathly afraid of me, it was the most attention anyone showed me in a while. That made me feel good. Weird, but good.
“I just–" I paused momentarily, eyes briefly flitting around the room as I formulated an excuse that wasn’t totally deceptive, "–didn’t sleep that much last night. Lots of studying and all. That’s why I was splashing my face with cold water. Usually, that gives me a little more energy.” I flashed a reassuring grin. Technically, I wasn't lying. That wasn't the whole reason I was there, but it was one nonetheless.
“Oh.” Her mouth hung open for a few seconds like her brain was loading. “I’m glad you’re alright, then.”
She smiled sweetly at me. Thinking that was the end of our conversation, I went to make a move for the exit, but before I could turn around to leave, her voice stopped me yet again.
“Umm, before you go, I wanted to ask you something.”
She sounded even more hesitant than before. It was a little annoying getting lassoed back into conversation a third time, especially since she was so clearly intimidated by me, but I didn't want to give her that impression.
Curling my lip into a half smile, I raised an eyebrow. “What's up?”
“I understand if you don’t want to since you said you’re tired, and I can’t imagine you’d want to do something like this while–”
“Can you get to the point?” I winced, as if those words cut my tongue on the way out. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Fluttershy replied. I was shocked at how calm she sounded, but I could tell by how much faster her eyes wandered around the room she was masking even more anxiety than before.
“The girls and I are having band practice at AJ’s tonight, and I wanted to know if you’d wanna come hang out with us.”
Part of me knew I should say yes—especially after snapping at her—but there was no way I was going to. Sure, this might be a good chance for me to get closer to the other girls by engaging in something they all like to do. But at the same time, it might mirror our lunch period, only longer. Just hours of me sitting awkwardly, the girls carrying on and doing their thing while I add nothing.
“I appreciate the offer, but I don’t know. I feel like I’d just get in the way,” I replied.
Fluttershy shook her head. “I don’t think you would. Most of the time, we’re just sitting around talking instead of actually playing any music, but we have lots of fun, and I didn’t want you to feel left out of that.”
Again, I felt a push within myself to accept her invitation. Admittedly, that was the most fun-sounding thing any of the girls had invited me to so far, and it could be a good opportunity to show the girls I play guitar as well. We could bond over playing music—something that might bring us closer together.
Or, the more likely outcome: I’d spend several hours getting ignored. And to be fair, how could I really be expected to hang out when I was just going to be the only one there who wasn’t in the band? If I were, that'd be one thing, but the idea of trying to hold a conversation while they're talking about band things or trying to play a song sounded incredibly unappealing.
And if I went, I'd be committing myself to staying. It wouldn't be like leaving lunch early, where it was easy to slip away mostly undetected. If I tried to escape, they would undoubtedly notice, and I’d have to devise an excuse on the spot. Making something up wouldn’t be challenging, but I was trying not to do that as much anymore.
“Maybe next time,” I declined again, “but hey, I appreciate the offer. Thanks, Fluttershy.”
I gave her an encouraging smile. Despite my rejection, she returned the gesture.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and looked at the screen. “Anyway, I gotta get going if I want to make it to class on time,” I said, hoping I would be able to escape this time.
“Oh! Right,” she replied, “Well, the offer is still there if you change your mind. Either way, umm, I'll be seeing you.” Before I could respond, Fluttershy had already turned around and begun walking to the stall in the far back.
“Right. See you.” I said.
Instead of leaving the bathroom in the same bitter mood I often entered it with, I felt better, for once. Not only had someone asked me if I was okay for the first time in a long while, but it was the last person I would have expected to. Even more surprising was that she explicitly invited me to do something because she didn't want me to feel left out. Fluttershy, the girl I bullied daily just a few months ago, wanted me to feel included. How wild.
Even if that marginally lifted my spirits, I was still saddled with an unshakable feeling I’d done something wrong. Despite being invited, I’d turned her down. Sure, I did it with sound reasoning, but I could stand to sit around doing nothing for a few hours if it meant my friends might actually start feeling like friends. Despite being the victim of the most abuse during my reign of terror, Fluttershy extended an olive branch to me, and I snapped it in half right in front of her. I’m so good at friendship. Twilight would be so proud.
And there was still the question of why. Since the Formal, I could count on less than one hand the amount of times me and Fluttershy talked. Now, she wasn’t even flinching when I snapped at her. Why was she suddenly concerned about me? What changed? Her inability to look me in the eye for longer than a second was enough evidence to prove she was still afraid of me, so what else could it be?
Knowing I wouldn’t find any satisfying answers to those questions, I continued my day as usual. It was such a small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but no matter how much I tried to tell myself it wasn’t actually that big a deal, I couldn’t deny it gave me something to feel good about.
Maybe that served as proof of how dismal things had been since the Formal. Maybe it was a sign that, although our pace was glacial, we were making progress, and that things might not be so hopeless after all. Maybe I was finally learning how to fake it well enough.
And maybe—just maybe—this friendship thing would finally get easier.
While I may have rejected Fluttershy's invitation to band practice, our encounter earlier that afternoon left me with a lingering feeling. Nothing substantial enough to change my mind, but I didn’t feel like sulking at home after school like usual, so that was something.
Instead, I found myself struck by an impulse, and rather than thinking it over like a smart person, I went for it. That sounds like a bad idea, I know. My impetuosity was something I’d been fighting for control over since the Fall Formal, but this time, I let it get the better of me for a good reason.
Impulse control, as helpful as it was, was also paralyzing. It had saved me from quite a few headaches, but there were an equal amount of times I could remember when I talked myself out of something I knew I should do. Things I’d convinced myself not to do under the guise of “good reasoning,” but deep down, I knew it was just because I really didn’t want to.
Tonight, I was going to cross one of those things off my list, and I wasn’t going to give myself a chance to back out.
Digging my hand into my pocket, I grabbed my phone and pulled up my texts. The last one I sent was right when I was leaving school, and it was sent to none other than my ex-boyfriend. My eyes scanned the words of my message again.
>hey flash. i know it’s been a bit since we talked for obv. reasons, but i wanna make things right. meet me at our old spot a couple of hours after school's out? we can talk things out if u want, if not that’s fine too. thanks.
I must have read those words fifty times by then. Each time, I hoped I'd see a response. But it never came.
It’s not like I could blame him for not wanting to see me. If I were him, I wouldn't come near me either. And maybe I should have waited for a response before I left my apartment—he could have blocked my number for all I knew—but it was too late.
An hour had already rolled by, and still nothing. I sighed and pushed my phone back into my pocket. Even though he hadn't responded, I made the trip out to our spot on the slim chance he'd show up. The longer I waited, the more I wished I hadn’t bothered. But there I was, sitting on a hill in a big empty field next to a highway, watching the cars fly by in the near-freezing cold, waiting for an answer from someone who may not have even heard the question. Alone. Like usual.
For what it's worth, it wasn't all that bad. The biting cold notwithstanding, I was in my favorite spot to be alone. Not long after moving into my apartment, I went on a walk through a neighborhood close by. On the very edge of that neighborhood was a sidewalk that continues beyond the residential boundaries, and that sidewalk ends at a field. It was in a weird spot, it served no discernable purpose, and it was so out of the way that no one ever thought to go there. It was perfect.
Sometimes, when me and Flash were still a thing, I would invite him to come out here with me and sit. Most of the time, we didn’t even talk; instead we’d just sit and watch the cars in silence. Those moments are some of the few fond memories I have of this world. In general, really. It felt nice to have someone to spend time with me like that. I’d been leading him on the whole time, and yet, after we stopped talking, it dawned on me how much I’d genuinely appreciated his company.
As time dragged on, I thought more about Flash and what I’d done to him, and the more this whole thing felt like a stupid idea. I knew I was trying to do the right thing, but if he wasn’t going to let me, what was the point? And besides, if he was going to bother coming all the way out here, he would have responded. He probably wasn't going to respond and with good reason. I wasted his time and broke his heart in the end. Why would he want to see me ever again?
And if he did come, who’s to say it’d be a friendly visit? Even if I wanted this to be amicable, I’d given him the perfect opportunity to tell me how he really feels about me and what I did to him. There would be no one to hear all the horrible things he could rightfully say to me.Granted, he didn’t seem like the type to do that, but all things considered, I wouldn't blame him if he did.
Either way, I would have rather received a text that said “piss off” than sit there in the cold, nervously anticipating a confrontation that might never end up happening. At least then I could be in my warm apartment while I was miserable and alone.
With a long exhale, I fell backward onto the ground and looked up at the sky. Immediately, I regretted that decision. Not only would there be dead grass in my hair when I got up, but the cold from the ground crept into my leather jacket, sending chills down my spine.
Instead of getting back up, I just closed my eyes—a dangerous move, considering how tired I was, but it was hard for me to care. Besides, everyone at CHS would probably get a kick out of hearing Sunset Shimmer—former queen she-demon, now washed-up extradimensional loser—met her untimely demise when she decided to take a nap outside. A depressing thought, but funny in an absurd kind of way.
Not long into playing dead, I heard footsteps approaching in the distance. On very rare occasions, someone would walk to the end of the sidewalk, only to turn around once they realized there was nowhere else to go. But that usually only ever happened when it was warmer, not in the middle of February. The week had been unusually warm and dry, but it was still too cold to imagine anyone would want to walk all the way out here.
Maybe it was Flash? If it was, he would say something. If it wasn’t, whoever it was would walk away. Either way, I wasn't going to bother opening my eyes. As cold as the lumpy ground was, I was as comfortable as I could be. That, and I didn't want to face him on the off chance it was Flash.
The footsteps got closer before they eventually halted. Then nothing. I still refused to open my eyes, but whoever approached me wasn't budging either. Maybe they thought I was dead. I thought about opening my eyes and screaming just to scare the shit out of them. That might have been kind of funny. Or embarrassing. Maybe both.
Before I could speculate any longer, the silence was broken. “You alive down there?”
It was the unmistakable voice of Flash Sentry.
Instead of opening my eyes, I shook my head. “No. Bury me.”
“If you’re dead, then how did you answer me?”
“I got a little better,” I answered. “Still dead, though.”
“Woah!” he jokingly exclaimed, “A talking corpse!”
When I finally opened my eyes, I saw Flash smirking down at me. It was a familiar grin—every bit as dopey and infectious as I remembered. I’d last seen it only a handful of months ago, but it felt so much longer than that. And even though I tried not to, I smiled back at him.
Flash took his spot next to me as I sat up and brushed the dead grass out of my hair.
“Haven’t been out here in a hot minute,” he remarked, "I kinda missed this spot. Though I think I liked it more when it was warmer."
I tried to think of a response, but just sat there quietly for a while instead. We both did. It occurred to me that I never thought this far ahead. Hundreds of scenarios ran through my head while I was waiting for him, and of all the possible outcomes, the only ones I ever planned for were a no-call no-show, or a strongly worded text that amounted to “eat shit.”
Flash was always too nice for his own good—that was mostly why I picked him to be my boyfriend. He was as kind as he was naïve, but after all we’d been through, I figured he would have thought better than to extend his natural affability to me ever again. But it seemed as though his attitude was hardly any different than it was before we broke up.
Even still, I remained just as anxious. This was just the beginning, and just because our encounter started on a good note, there was nothing saying it would stay positive. That made starting this conversation much harder. The sleep deprivation certainly made it challenging, too; but even if I was well-rested, my mind would still be overflowing with what I thought were the wrong words. After drowning in my thoughts long enough, I finally settled on something.
"Why didn't you answer my text?"
Flash's face twisted from a smile to confusion. "…I thought I did?"
He looked down, fishing his phone out of his pocket. After a few thumb presses on the screen, his eyes went wide. He grimaced as he slapped his forehead and ran his fingers through his blue hair.
"I did! I just... never hit send." He looked at me awkwardly. I couldn't help but start laughing, and it wasn't long before he joined me.
"You must be so lost without me, huh?" I prodded.
"Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it," he responded.
I wasn't sure how to take that. Was it amiable banter, or was that his subtle way of saying "you wish"? I pushed the thought out of my mind before I became too distracted from my original goal.
We sat in silence while I worked myself up. It was just after rush hour, but there were still tens of hundreds of cars flying by every minute. For the first time in a while, I felt peaceful. Like things were right again.
But they weren't, and they wouldn't be until I set them that way. That's why we were out there, after all. It was time for me to face the music—yet another movement in the endless symphony that began after the Formal.
As if he knew I was stuck, he turned to me and smiled. “So… how have you been?” he asked.
I tried to smile back, but I didn’t feel a single muscle in my face move. The fact that he was more interested in how I felt than an immediate apology felt weird and wrong, but it helped to ease the tension nonetheless.
“I feel like I should ask you that first,” I answered.
“I don’t know,” he responded, “Last time I saw you, you were in a twenty-foot crater.”
I winced, but shook it off.
“Yeah, and last time I saw you, you were a zombie thrall.”
Another wince. No matter how flippantly I tried to say it, those words left my mouth with a bitter aftertaste. I silently hoped there would come a day where I could recall those memories without feeling my entire body revolt, even though I knew there probably wouldn’t.
“Fair point.” Flash chuckled and looked at the highway, and with that, the conversation sputtered to a halt.
This was getting ridiculous. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, the mist from my exhale dissipating into the fading light of the evening sky. If I was going to do this, I had to rip the bandage off. If overthinking wasn't going to work, I'd have to underthink. Stream of consciousness would be my only guide.
“Look, I’m… sorry. About everything.”
I could see Flash turn toward me out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn’t see his expression. My eyes remained on the highway as I continued. “It was wrong of me to use you like I did, and I've felt awful about it ever since the formal. So, I’m sorry."
Pausing to gather my thoughts, my eyes fixed on the right side of the horizon before us, just far enough so Flash couldn’t see my face. Every word I said made me want to crawl out of my own skin and run away, and I couldn’t stand even being perceived. That, and I couldn't bear to see Flash’s reaction in my periphery the longer I went on.
"I don’t know if this will mean anything to you now, but… I miss having you around sometimes. And I don’t expect that to change anything—you don’t even have to talk to me anymore after this if you don’t want to—but, if nothing else, I just wanted you to know that, and that I’m sorry.” I let out an exhausted exhalation. "So, there."
A few agonizing moments of silence crept by. I could feel his gaze on the back of my head, but I still couldn’t bring myself to face him. My eyes just kept following the cars as they rolled by on the road.
"Right to the point, huh?" he asked. It wasn't the worst response, but it didn't do a lot to quell my anxiety.
Lifting my gloved hand up to my face, I nervously brushed a hanging lock of my hair to the side. "I owe you that much. Especially after dicking you around as much and as long as I did."
"Well, I forgive you." An inexplicable warmth spread through me as he put his hand on my shoulder. "Would have been nice to hear it a little sooner, but I'll take it."
He let out an awkward laugh. The warmth I felt from his touch slowly gave way to frigid emptiness. I knew he probably said his last sentence in jest, but that didn't take away from how shitty it made me feel. I wanted to scream at and slap him, cry, throw up, run away, and die all at once. Yet, somehow, I managed to condense all of that into a single, empty chuckle.
“You know, I really didn’t want to believe you were doing all that stuff everyone was telling me,” he offered. "It's still hard for me to believe, honestly."
Finally, I worked up the courage to look at him. He didn’t look upset; just concerned. That made me feel ill.
“What can I say? I would hope I’m good at hiding how awful I am considering how long I’ve been, well, you know… awful.”
As much as I wanted to believe I was being sarcastic at my own expense, everything I said was genuine and I knew it. Judging by his lack of reaction, Flash didn't think I was joking either.
“I didn’t say you were awful," he argued, turning his eyes toward the highway again. "Even after the Formal, I never saw it like that. Still don't, either."
“You sure about that?” I doubtfully replied. It wasn't like I wanted to be ungrateful, but if that’s truly how he felt, I wasn’t sure if he should trust his own judgment.
Still, he solemnly nodded. “Look, I’m not really good at this kind of stuff, so this might sound kinda dumb. But to me, it always seemed like you were afraid to let people in. Like, I didn’t know you were a bully, but I did notice how different you acted around others compared to me. And after everything that happened, I believe that even more.”
“Okay, so maybe I can hide the worst parts of myself,” I suggested. “I don't think it's that deep; I think that just means you could tell I was a fake.” I felt even more empty as my gaze moved to the road once more.
Flash shook his head. “Come on, Sunset, that’s not what I mean. Even if you say you never really liked me, I know I got to see a side of you no one else did. When it was just us, everything felt real, and the way people talked about you at school was so different from that.”
“I already know I’m the master of manipulation,” I said in a vague approximation of a joke. “Do you really have to keep feeding my ego?” I gave another hollow laugh. Flash’s blank stare told me he was about as entertained by my retort as I was. By that point, even I found my "witty" remarks annoying.
“Even if everyone at school only liked you because they feared you, I still saw how nice you could be. I still saw how you’d go out of your way for people sometimes, and even if you were only trying to get something out of it, even if you were just trying to keep up appearances, I could always tell that making others happy made you just as happy. You're wicked smart, incredibly talented, and pretty funny too, and those aren’t things you can just fake. They’re parts of you, you know?”
Flash shifted in his spot, stretching his legs out. “When we were around others, you’d go out of your way to perform for everyone. You were always the center of attention. You wanted everyone to think you were popular for a good reason. And when we were alone, you were always much quieter. You didn’t feel the need to prove anything to me. We could just exist together, and even if you don’t believe it, I could always tell you were happy then, too.”
I didn’t want to agree, but he wasn’t exactly wrong. Much of my school career had been a balancing act between making sure the students feared and respected me, but keeping an immaculate image on the outside. It was a stressful façade to maintain, but I maintained it well.
But when I was alone with Flash, I guess I let my guard down more than I realized. I always knew I had him in the palm of my hand, and I suppose it was easy to loosen up around him because of that. For a long time, I could get away with anything I wanted, and I could always rely on him being too smitten with me to do anything about it. So, maybe he was right.
But the more I thought about it, the more hollow I felt. It sounded like Flash was describing multiple people, and to me, none of them actually sounded like me at all. How could he know what was real? How could I know what was real? His words held more confidence in my identity than I had.
Before then, I’d only ever seen Flash as a rung to climb up on the social ladder. Maybe it was because he was showing me such compassion, but at that moment I realized there was much more to him than I ever gave him credit for. He thought so much of me before we broke up, and somehow he still did, even though I’d always thought so little of him.
“You’ve sure been thinking about this a lot, huh?” I observed.
He shrugged. “Hey, it’s hard to stop thinking about someone when you still love them.”
I tried not to show it, but that comment shook me to my core. How could he possibly say that? Even beyond our past, what was there to love about me anyway? Maybe my magical mind manipulation misaligned his brain worse than I thought.
His words released an overwhelming cocktail of emotions inside of me, none of which felt right. My mind had no room for words, so I just continued to sit there and stare into space.
My brain was fighting a war within itself. I should feel grateful that Flash was willing to be so honest and forgiving, but the fact that he was somehow made me feel so much worse. All I did was text him and ask to meet up, and after a few words, he was telling me he still loved me.
I almost felt as though I shouldn’t believe a word he said. What had I done to earn this? This was all wrong. This wasn't how things were supposed to go. All of these thoughts only worked to make me feel worse about myself, and there was hardly anything I could do to stop them.
After a lengthy pause, I finally settled on something to respond with.
“Why?”
Flash looked at me curiously. When he didn't respond, I asked more.
“What do you mean you still love me? Why do you still love me? How can you still love me?”
“That’s a lot of complicated questions at once,” he replied.
“Right, sorry. It’s just…” I completed that thought with a shrug.
“Maybe I’m just biased because of your gorgeous face.”
A sly smile spread across his lips. It made me want to puke, but my face felt warm regardless. Thankfully, my cheeks were already red from the cold, so he couldn’t see me blush when I rolled my eyes at him.
“But I think what I said before is all the reason I need. I’m pretty sure all the stuff you did isn’t who you really are, and I wanna know if I’m right.”
I scoffed. “Now if only I could get everyone else to believe that.” Getting myself to believe that would be nice too, but I resisted the urge to mention that. I'd done more than enough self-pitying throughout our interaction.
Flash chuckled nervously. “Just give it time. You’ve got friends now, and once everyone sees how good of a friend you are to them, they’ll come around.”
I let out a deep sigh. “Yeah.”
Those friends I have. The girls at school who (mostly) put up with me. The same ones that were all off having fun without me. I tried to hide my dejection, but I could tell by how Flash looked at me that he picked up on it.
“Speaking of which, how are things going with the girls?”
“They’re going,” I responded. An uncomfortable silence passed between us before he realized I wasn’t going to expand on that.
“I take it things are still a little awkward with them?” he inquired.
“That’s one way to put it.” I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s pretty tough to measure how any of them feel about me, though. Sometimes, I feel like we’re making progress. Though most of the time I feel like dead weight. It doesn't help that one of them in particular makes me feel like I’m not wanted at all, and it makes things weird with the rest of them.”
His face contorted into confusion at that last point. “Who?”
“Rainbow Dash,” I answered with a groan.
"Dash?" he repeated. “I’m surprised. That doesn’t sound like her at all."
“Maybe not to you,” I replied, “but if you knew our history, you’d probably understand.”
He scratched the back of his head. "Even then, I wouldn't think she'd be hostile toward you. Those girls have forgiven people worse than you."
Knitting my brow, I squinted at him. "Really, Flash? Worse than me? Worse than blowing a hole open in the school? Worse than taking over most of the student body? Worse than attempted murder?"
Flash's expression shifted several times before he just looked away. "Okay, so, maybe they haven't, but still; she'll probably come around eventually. I've always known Dash to be the type that speaks her mind. If she didn't want you around, she'd just tell you."
"I wish that's how I knew her," I said, "If it was, she might finally tell me to piss off by now. Then I could stop trying."
With a worried look, Flash turned his head toward me again. “How has she been making you feel unwelcome? If you don’t mind talking about it.”
When I opened my mouth to answer, it became apparent to me how difficult it was to answer that question. My memory was failing me on specifics. My problem with her consists of so many seemingly insignificant negative interactions that it’s impossible to keep track of them all. How was I supposed to answer? A lot of really tiny petty things? All that would do was make me sound petty myself.
Instead of delaying, I gave him my best shot at an answer. “It’s hard to pin it on just a few things because it's so many little things. Like, just today, we were sitting at lunch, and every time I opened my mouth to speak she’d talk over me, and it happened so many times that it had to be intentional.”
When I didn't continue, Flash raised an eyebrow. “…That it?”
My face began to heat up. “Well, no, there’s plenty more, but it’s the most recent thing in memory. There are a bunch of different things she does like that. Like, she really loves to “jokingly” bring up some of the stuff I did before the Formal. And it’s like… does she expect me to be over it already? Because how can I be when no one else is?”
Despite my explanation, Flash remained unconvinced. “I haven’t been around you all, so I guess I don’t really know. But I’ve known her a long time, and to me, that just sounds like Dash being Dash.”
This part of the conversation was a mistake. I should have just kept it all to myself. His disbelief made me feel even worse about the whole thing, and I just felt like a whiny bitch. I probably didn't have a right to be upset in the first place.
“Yeah, you haven’t been there,” I snapped. I was hoping my tone would sever this conversational thread, but it must not have been sharp enough.
Instead, Flash looked at me sympathetically and pressed on. "Dash is just loud like that. And maybe she jokes about it for the opposite reason? Maybe it's to let you know she doesn't hold it against you like everyone else does?"
"That's real optimistic of you, Flash."
He sheepishly averted his gaze back to the road. Then the uncomfortable quiet began again. I was half expecting him to get up and walk off after shutting down the conversation like that, but he spoke up once more.
“Well... aside from Rainbow Dash, how are things with the rest of them?” he cautiously asked.
“Just as weird as ever," I said with a shrug. I was going to leave it at that, but then I remembered the encounter with Fluttershy. "Though, I guess one of them surprised me today.”
He looked at me inquisitively. "Really? Who and how so?”
“Fluttershy,” I answered. “We ran into each other in a bathroom before lunch ended. She asked me if I was okay because I had left lunch early. Then she invited me to band practice.”
Flash looked at me with shock and confusion. “Really? Fluttershy?”
“I was just as surprised as you are.”
“Well? Did you go?”
I brought out my phone and looked at the time. “They would have started less than half an hour ago, so you can draw your own conclusion from that.”
That didn’t do anything to quell Flash’s confusion. If anything, he looked even more confused.
“I don't understand,” he said. “Why wouldn’t you go?”
“I’m just not really big on the idea of watching them all have fun while I sit around, pretending any of the rest of them actually want me there.”
Flash's expression shifted from confusion back to sympathy. “I guess I get that. But if Fluttershy is willing to invite you, I don't think they're pretending to like you. I really think you should have gone.”
“Haven't you noticed I just really like doing the wrong thing on purpose by now?”
He gave me a half-lidded glare.
“Hey, if it means anything, I told her I appreciated the offer. So I don’t think she thinks I declined because of her. At least I hope not.”
His glare lightened up. "That's good, at least. I will say, though: if Fluttershy is on your side, Dash can't be far behind. Her and Rainbow Dash have always been tight, so if you and Shy get close, she'll probably come around."
Flash's words hit me like a sack of bricks. How had I not made that connection myself? Not only did I feel guilty for rejecting her invitation, worse yet, I felt like a moron. If Fluttershy accepted me, Rainbow Dash would probably accept me too.
At least Fluttershy didn't seem that discouraged after I said no. With any luck, maybe she'd invite me again. I could only hope I hadn't squandered my only opportunity, but with how I snapped at her, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I had.
Something about this revelation felt strange, though. Was this actually a sound plan? Could I front well enough to make Fluttershy like me more? Was it okay for me to make friends with her just so Dash would stop being a jerk? I suppose we could become friends for more than one reason, but I’d be lying if I said my primary motive wouldn’t be just to get her idiot friend off my back.
Before that train of thought could race away from me, Flash derailed it.
“One more thing." He paused for a moment and looked down at the ground. Then his eyes met mine. "Umm… I meant to ask earlier, but… would you be interested in, uhh… trying again?”
I gave him a perplexed look. Before I could even think of opening my mouth and asking what he meant, it suddenly clicked: he was asking me out again. If my last train of thought was speeding, this one was racing at light speed.
This was my chance. Everyone at school knew about the rise and fall of our relationship, so if Flash and I got back together, the other students would have to start warming up to me. And maybe if the girls saw me hook up with him, they’d realize I really have changed. Everything would turn around for me.
I opened my mouth to answer, but the words stopped before they could leave my mouth.
It would undoubtedly make my life easier to say yes, but there was an important question I had to ask myself before I could give an honest answer. A question I didn’t want to ask, and one I didn’t know if I could answer.
Did I love him?
Sure, I felt comfortable around him. Anyone I could comfortably sit around in silence with was someone I trusted to some extent. But that extent was as far as I could take my feelings for him.
Thinking about him and me walking down the school hallways hand in hand excited me, but what was so exciting about that? Was it the fact that I’d be with him, or was it the idea of freely walking through the halls without feeling like I’m being pursued by a pack of ravenous animals?
Then I thought about the walk home. If I said yes, I know he’d offer to walk me there, and we'd do so hand in hand. That got my heart racing. But was it the prospect of being romantically involved with Flash that was appealing, or was I attracted to the idea of not being lonely anymore?
Most of that sounded amazing. I had to say yes—only someone brain dead wouldn't. So what if I didn't feel for him? My life would completely turn around in the span of a few short weeks—possibly sooner—and all I had to do was just say yes. I could always just let him down easy after everything was settled, too. And who knows? Maybe with enough time, I could learn to love the guy. It could work!
But in the end, the idea of being with Flash specifically did nothing for me, and my heart sank as I came to terms with that. The hollowness I felt from earlier emptied me of all the hope his question gave me. I knew I couldn't say yes. No matter which way I looked at it, I didn’t want him. I wanted what being with him would afford me: an easy way to get everyone to lay off of me, an end to the bitter loneliness, and the comfort of knowing someone is in my corner for once.
But none of those things were Flash himself. And as much as I shouldn’t have cared, that wouldn’t be fair to him. If I said yes without meaning it, I'd begin building yet another mountain of lies. It may fool everyone, but deep inside, I would know the truth, and when I inevitably slipped up, I'd be back at square one. It was debatable whether or not I deserved the second chance I'd been given; would I even be considered for a third?
With a long defeated sigh, I pushed myself to do the right thing.
“Flash, look, I… I think you’re a really sweet guy, and I’d be glad to be your friend, but I just don’t feel that way about you.” My stomach dropped as the words left my mouth. It was hard to tell who would feel worse at the end of this.
I looked away from him and closed my eyes. Something inside me wanted him to get angry—just to get it over with and tell me off for bringing him out here just to waste his time again. I was out here trying to lead him on again just because I was lonely, and he had to know that.
But, to my surprise, he just put his hand on my shoulder again. And when I felt that familiar warmth wash over me, I turned to face him.
“That’s alright,” he said with a smile. “And thanks for the honesty. I know that was kinda out of nowhere, but didn’t want to walk away without trying again. But I’m fine with being friends. Regardless of what we are, I’d like to get to know the real Sunset Shimmer.”
It was hard to say whether I felt more guilt or relief. Instead of debating it, I tried to focus on the more comfortable of the two. I smiled back at him.
Flash pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket. “Anyway, I should head back home.” He put his phone away as we both stood up off the ground, wiping the grass off the backs of our pants. “You should, too. Won't be long and it'll be even colder out here.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get sick if I stay out here any longer," I replied.
We both stood there awkwardly for a few seconds. Flash looked around, as did I. One of us could have started moving at any moment, but it was like neither of us wanted to. Like we were both waiting for something to happen, we just didn't know what. That's when, for the second time that day, I felt an impulse. And like before, instead of giving myself a chance to talk myself out of it, I acted on it.
Stepping forward, I pulled Flash into a tight hug. It took him by surprise, but after a second he returned the gesture. Even if his body was cold, I still felt warmth in his embrace.
“Thanks, Flash,” I muttered. I could feel a lump form in my throat as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Hey, what are friends for?”
I could feel my face heat up as it rested against his neck. Even if it was going to get colder, I could have probably spent the rest of the night standing in that spot wrapped in his arms.Everything about that hug felt so wonderful. It was the closest thing to intimacy I had felt in such a long time, and this time it was real. It wasn't predicated on manipulation like it was every time before. It was a genuine, mutual show of affection.
Eventually, he pulled away. When he did, we both began walking down the sidewalk. Once we reached the first intersection of the neighborhood, we said our goodbyes again and went our separate ways.
When we weren’t facing each other anymore, I could feel tears begin to stream down my face. I hadn't even felt them coming, but I welcomed them just the same. The last time I could recall crying was at the Fall Formal. Since then, I’d wanted to cry many times, but tears always seemed to escape me when I needed them most. Unlike when I cried at the formal, this time it felt good. There was no negativity in these tears; only relief. That was the first time in my life I’d met catharsis. Better late than never.
As I continued my walk home, I pulled out my phone and navigated to my contacts. For the third time that day, I acted on impulse. After finding the right name on the list, I clicked it with my thumb. Our text message history came up—all zero messages between us. We exchanged numbers months ago but had never texted each other. But that night, that was going to change, and I was going to be the one to do it.
When I lived in Equestria, winter was just another part of the year. It got cold, there’d be snow all over the place for a little while, and I usually didn't realize it was at its end until wrap-up started. I paid it as much mind as any other season, and as dull as that may sound, that’s how I preferred it.
But after a few years of living on this side of the portal, my feelings for winter have evolved from apathy to bitter contempt. It’s a miserable time of year from beginning to end for a multitude of reasons specific to this world.
In Equestria, seasons are timed, so there’s a certain level of consistency maintained for when a season ends and the next one begins. Even when the weather is intense, there’s a routine to it, so it’s unobtrusive. In this world, however, the seasons begin and end whenever they feel like it. Some seasons will be cut drastically short, while others will drag on much longer than they should.
To add to the frustration, the weather itself is continuously variable. Even if humans have made major strides in weather pattern research, their predictions feel like they’re more off the mark than on. The forecast will say nothing but sunny days for a week straight, only for a blizzard to roll in the next day.
To be fair, the way weather works in this world is far more complex than in Equestria. Ponies have magic and wings, and both of those allow them to control the forecast. Meanwhile, the weather ebbs and flows on its own here, and we just have to adapt. There’s nothing anyone can do about it, but that does nothing to quell my utter disdain for this awful, icy season.
It may seem silly to complain at such lengths about something as “fact-of-life” as the weather, but you have to understand that the shift from what I lived in and what I’m forced to deal with now is staggering. And what I’ve said so far is only scratching the surface. I haven’t even talked about the worst parts of the season yet.
Sure, maybe it was worse because I drove a motorbike instead of a car, but even then, getting around anywhere in the winter is more tedious and precarious than it needs to be. Riding a motorcycle is already dangerous at any time of year because of how awful everyone is at driving, but it’s especially so in the winter. The freezing temperatures must shrink everyone else’s brains.
Not only that, but the experience of riding in the winter is excruciating. It doesn’t matter if I wear three jackets, two shirts, two pairs of pants, socks, gloves, etc.; I will still be freezing in no time. It takes only a few minutes of riding for the frigid air to penetrate every layer of protective clothing. Even the brief ride from my apartment to school is enough to chill me to the bone.
So in the winter, I don’t like to make trips anywhere I don’t have to. The one advantage is that it's a perfect excuse to turn down hanging out with the girls after school. Going between school, work, and home was enough of a hassle, and I would be dead long before I’d ever ask for or accept a ride from any of them.
But this was a special night. I mean, it wasn't that special—I was probably just going to sit around and do nothing all night—but Fluttershy had invited me, and if she worked herself up enough to ask me directly, it must have been important to her. It was going to be boring, and I wasn’t going to have any fun, but it would be the first step toward getting Rainbow Dash to lay off, and that was all the reason I needed to push through.
Though, as I rode my bike down the highway, my mind was riddled with second thoughts. I knew it didn’t matter, but I couldn’t stop asking myself: what if Fluttershy invited me out of pity?
Naturally, that question opened the gate to a flood of others. Did she notice how often I would sit there among them, merely existing in their presence? If she did, did she feel bad for me because of that? Perhaps she invited me just to clear her own guilty conscience. If that were the case, I couldn’t fault her for it—I had my own ulterior motive, after all—but something about that still irked me in a way I couldn’t explain.
And when I couldn’t answer those, more questions spilled forth. What would the other girls think when I arrived? Would they even be expecting me? Had Fluttershy talked it over with them too, or would I be showing up unannounced? Every time I thought about it, I'd imagine myself walking into the room, all their eyes and bewildered expressions fixed on me, and my stomach would twist itself into another knot.
And if I did pop in without warning, how would I be welcomed? Would I be welcome at all? What if they wanted me to leave? Would Fluttershy say anything? What could she even say?
In the back of my mind, I could tell many of these were unreasonable—perhaps unfair—questions, but I couldn’t stop myself from nearly drowning in them. The illogical questions were just as loud as the valid ones, and all of them were equally as difficult to answer.
I just kept worrying the whole way there. It felt like that was all I did anymore. After several months of doing nothing but agonizing over every little thing, you'd think I'd be desensitized to it. But for some reason, if I couldn’t find a reason to feel uneasy, my mind would make one.
But it was too late to back out. When I texted Fluttershy earlier, she texted me back before I even finished walking home. And when I read her confirmation, that was the point of no return.
As I drew closer to Applejack's residence, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. The absurdity of how I was treating this wasn’t lost on me. A few months ago, this would have all meant nothing to me. Now, a night spent hanging out with my "friends" held so much dramatic tension in my mind that it affected me on a physical level.
Finally, after what felt like hours of speeding through the below-freezing temperatures of the winter night, I arrived at a house on the outskirts of town. The weathered driveway led to a barn-shed-type-thing, and to the right was a path leading to Applejack’s house, which looked just like the barn, only bigger and more well-kept.
To the right of the barn were three vehicles, two I recognized and one I didn’t. Applejack’s truck sat closest to the barn, followed by Rarity’s car right next to it. At the end was a white van parked next to Rarity’s car. Seeing as it was the last one in the line, I parked right next to it.
As I slid into the spot, I killed the engine and kicked the kickstand down. After the noise from the bike faded, I could hear the muffled sound of several instruments being played from inside the barn, each seeming a little off-time in their own way. It was safe to assume that’s where band practice was being held.
I felt a cold breeze against my cheeks as I pulled my helmet off. This was it. Staring at the barn once more, I gulped and stepped off the bike. My anxiety could only be matched by how stupid I felt for being so nervous in the first place.
Placing the helmet down on the seat, I started my trek toward the barn. Typically, I walk fast, but I was in no rush, despite the biting cold. Instead, I took in the sights around the farm.
What few there were. There was a lot of cold, dead grass, evenly cut throughout the front of the yard. But I couldn’t make out much beyond that, however. A few apple trees to the right of the house, but the minimal light provided by the night sky made it difficult to see anything further than them.
Even when I tried to take it slow, I walked too fast. Before I knew it, I stood before the two big wooden doors of the barn. I took a deep breath, quietly chuckling as I exhaled. Everyone in there was here to have fun and play music, yet here I was, feeling like I was standing before the gallows. I pushed on the doors.
They didn’t budge. I pushed again, same thing.
I tried to knock, but judging by the noise from inside, no one must have been able to hear. For a moment, I thought about turning around and going back home. They would never know I was ever there if I left right then, right?
But I told Fluttershy I would be here. How would she feel if I said I was coming only to not show up? What would I tell her? I could always just say something came up. It’s not like she’d question me about it. Then again, would she even care?
Letting out a deep sigh, I tried to clear my mind before I could talk myself out of it. As I replaced all the air in my lungs with another long breath, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted Fluttershy once more.
>hey! i’m outside right npw. the doors locked lol
The tinge of embarrassment I felt after sending a message with a typo made me wince. I exhaled another deep breath as I waited. The music stopped. After that, I heard some noises from the other side of the door before it slowly creaked open.
Stepping out of the cold, I found the inside of the shed looked somewhat bare. There was no proper ceiling for the most part, so I could see the dusty wood that held the roof up. Several dim light bulbs were mounted to the bottom of the tie beams that ran under each truss. There was no insulation either, which explained why there were a couple of space heaters on the cement floor.
My eyes continued to probe around the room. Rainbow Dash and Applejack stood before their amplifiers, and Pinkie Pie sat behind a drum kit between them. Rarity was sitting on a metal folding chair, the keyboard in her lap plugged into a wall outlet nearby. There was a single microphone, but no speakers or anything else. Their basic setup led me to the conclusion they must not have been doing this band thing for very long.
As I stood in the doorway, I could see all the girls staring at me, every one of them looking with varying degrees of surprise. Everyone except the girl whose head was peeking from behind the door, who greeted me with a warm smile.
“Glad you could make it,” Fluttershy said.
Before I had a chance to respond to her, a raspy voice interjected.
“What’s she doing here?”
Rainbow Dash may not have been asking me, but that didn’t stop her eyes from drilling into me. Things were already off to such a great start. First, everyone looked shocked to see I was here, and now Dash was greeting me with her trademarked abrasive attitude. What a great way to be welcomed by your friends.
It didn’t occur to me how arid my throat was until I inhaled to say something. The cold outside air usually left me pretty dry after a ride, and the anxiety I’d been feeling since I hit the road certainly didn’t help. Still, I wasn't about to let my nerves get the better of me.
But just as I was about to respond, I was interrupted once more.
“I invited her,” Fluttershy answered boldly. “I figured she might want to hang out with us too.” When Rainbow Dash’s confused expression didn’t let up, Fluttershy’s confidence wavered. “I-I didn’t think anyone would mind.”
I felt conflicted. Maybe I should have felt grateful to her for sticking up for me. Maybe I should have been relieved that I didn’t have to defend my sudden appearance. But for some reason, Fluttershy answering for me made me feel resentful. I didn’t want or need her to justify my presence. That was something I had already prepared to do, and I could have easily done it on my own.
Dash furrowed her brow and lifted her hand limply. “Okay, fine, but why didn’t you tell anyone else?”
Once again, I opened my mouth to respond.
“Who cares?! More friends in the band! Welcome to The Rainbooms!” Pinkie exclaimed, punctuating her outburst with a brief yet impressively technical drum fill.
“Pinkie, she’s not in the band,” Dash countered. “And Fluttershy, we can’t just invite anyone to practice. We already spend too much time dicking around not getting anything done. If we start treating this like just another hangout session, my band will never get off the ground!”
To avoid glaring at Dash, I clenched my teeth and pretended to let my eyes wander around the inside of the barn. She was worried about me distracting them even though she was making a scene about me showing up? In the two minutes since my arrival, I hadn’t even said a word. And yet, in that short time, she’d confirmed I wasn’t allowed in the band, referred to me as “just anyone,” and was accusing me of making things difficult. At least that more or less confirmed she doesn’t view me as a friend.
“Oh, relax, Rainbow Dash!” Rarity insisted. “It’s not like we’ve been doing this very long, and I doubt Sunset’s going to cause much of a disruption. Right, darling?” Her head turned to me, her lips curled into a reassuring smile. I attempted to return the gesture, but even a slight grin was hard to muster up at that moment.
“And Sunset’s not just 'anyone,' she’s our friend,” Fluttershy contended. “Besides, I don’t even play any instruments and you let me be here.”
The continued assurance from Fluttershy, Pinkie, and Rarity caused the tension in my body to wane. It was a strange sensation. Part of me was still apprehensive, though—as if their defense was something I should reject. But, at the same time, it was nice to have to have more than just my shadow in my corner for once.
Dash put her hands up, making a push motion defensively. “Alright, alright, I get it,” she resigned. “I didn’t say she couldn’t be here, I just don’t want us to get too distracted.”
Then she turned her head to me and our eyes met.
“Sorry about that,” she said, her expression firm and her tone limp. Her apology was clearly empty of any meaning.
Had it not been for the girls bolstering my confidence, I would have struggled not to appear visibly irritated. Instead, I decided to be diplomatic, if for no other reason than to make Rainbow Dash look like the jerk she was.
“It’s okay! I get it. This is obviously important to you. You won’t even know I’m here, I promise.”
I punctuated that with my best attempt at a friendly smile. In return, I received a dirty look. That wasn’t enough to deter me, however. Even if she was being an ass, there was no denying I looked better in the end.
“Well, I’m glad ya came Sunset!” Applejack’s friendly smile quickly morphed into a smirk. “Hopefully you find my ‘shitty little backwater sewer swamp’ a bit more hospitable than you expected.”
With that, all of the smug superiority I felt was immediately knocked out of me.
“Hah, yeah. Sorry about that.” I grinned sheepishly. Applejack was paraphrasing something I’d said about her in the past, and while she may have omitted some of the more reprehensible parts of what I said, it still made me feel pretty awful.
“I’m just messin’ with ya, don’t think nothin’ of it. ‘Sides, I always thought it was kinda funny anyway. Lot more creative than what I’m used to hearin’.” I wanted to believe her, but it was hard to imagine anyone finding the abhorrent things I used to say about them “creative”. I looked away, a nervous chuckle my only response.
From there, the night went pretty much exactly how I expected. It didn’t take long for me to pick up on a recurring pattern. The girls would all have one conversation, then the conversation would turn into two. Rarity and Pinkie would talk to each other, while Applejack and Dash would usually carry on by themselves. Then, Dash would get everyone to focus so they could practice a song once or twice. They’d play for a few minutes at a time, and then the cycle would repeat.
Fluttershy was right about there not being much practicing going on. It was a lot like our lunch period, except now and then they would break into song. Then again, sudden musical numbers in the cafeteria were something they were known for. So I suppose it was accurate to say it was just lunch away from lunch.
Most of my time was spent zoning out as I leaned against one of the wooden support beams in the shed. To my surprise, I didn’t feel that uncomfortable once everyone settled into the groove. Sure, I wasn’t having much fun, but I didn’t feel like I was totally unwelcome. Having the girls on my side when Dash questioned my arrival probably did a lot to help with that.
But as they practiced, my mind marched to its own beat. The fact that everything was happening as if I wasn’t there was somewhat comforting, but it was equally disconcerting. I wasn’t a distraction, but that made me feel invisible. My presence may not be disruptive, but it seemed like my absence would be just as consequential. These were supposed to be my friends, but once again, I was relegated to the background.
If I wasn’t a nuisance, I was a prop. My attendance didn’t mean anything to them aside from making them feel secure in the fact that they were “looking after me” like Twilight wanted them to. I was there not because of an obligation I had to them, but out of an obligation they had to someone a world away, and as long as she was that far, they could get away with doing the bare minimum.
Maybe I should have left when I had the chance.
Would that have been any different, though? Would I have felt any better sitting alone in my apartment, killing time until I had to struggle to fall asleep? Then I’d wake up the next day, go to school, and hear about all the fun they had at the band practice I refused to attend. It all made me feel so stupid. I should have been happy to be included at all. But if my inclusion made no discernable impact on anything, what good was it to be included?
“Sorry if this isn’t what you expected,” Fluttershy said. She was leaning her shoulder against another side of the support beam my back was against. “I hope this isn’t too boring for you.”
It hadn’t occurred to me, but Fluttershy wasn’t involved in almost any of the conversations happening with the band. Even when they weren’t playing music, it was easy to forget she was here too. Occasionally she’d pop in with something to say, but seldom anything beyond that.
“Actually, this is pretty much exactly what I expected.” I tried to give a convincing chuckle, but it ended up coming out mirthlessly. When she didn’t respond, I looked behind me. Her expression was nervous.
“I mean, you all haven’t been in a band for long, right? This is pretty typical for early band practice.” Truthfully, I was talking out of my ass. I had a vague understanding of what being in a band was like from what Flash told me about his own band, but I never cared enough to listen all that much. And while I did play guitar, I’d only been playing for a couple of years and had never been in a band myself, but I had to salvage this interaction somehow.
Thankfully, that seemed to put her at ease.
“This is just our third practice,” she answered. “Dash got really excited about being in a band after the Formal, but it’s been a lot more work than we all thought.”
I turned my whole body around to face her, leaning my shoulder against the beam as well. “So, you don’t actually play anything?”
Fluttershy shook her head, her eyes nervously glancing around after. “No. I’m just here because Dash wanted me to be in the band anyway. All I really do while I’m here is stand around quietly, but I don’t mind.”
“Ah, moral support duty,” I remarked. Fluttershy giggled and nodded.
I smirked. “So you just asked me to come so you wouldn’t be the only one standing around with nothing to do, huh?”
The smile on her face quickly shifted to panic as her eyes went wide. “Wh–? N-No! I–” she stammered.
“Hey, relax!” I held my palms open in front of me. “I’m just messing around. Besides, even if that were the reason, I’d understand,” I reassured. “Sitting in the background sucks a little less when you’re not alone, right?”
The tension in her quickly dissipated. Her cheeks looked a little pink as her eyes remained fixed off to the side. “I-I guess I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it, but I really didn’t want you to feel left out, either.”
“Why, though?” I cocked my head back toward the others. “It’s like Dash said: I’m not in the band.”
“Well, even if she says I’m in the band, it’s not like I’m really in it,” she replied. “Rainbow Dash said I am just because we’re all friends. So, if I don’t have to play anything to be part of it, why shouldn’t you be allowed in, too?”
There were probably a hundred thousand different answers to that question I could come up with, but I was too distracted by the fact that, by that logic, Dash had indirectly confirmed I wasn’t her friend. Not that I needed her to do that, but at least there was even less room to speculate.
My next words left my mouth without prior consideration. “That’s a surprise to hear,” I muttered.
Fluttershy tilted her head. “Why?”
If I could have taken those words back then, I would. But this was an opportunity to be open and honest about my feelings. As terrifying of a thought as that was, I sighed and pushed myself to explain what I meant.
“It’s just that…” My eyes roamed around the inside of the shed as I formulated and reformulated my response multiple times. “Well, after the way I treated all of you—you especially—I figured you would prefer it if I weren’t included in anything you all do.” I punctuated my sentence with a nervous chuckle.
“I-I guess I understand that.“Her tone seemed to indicate she had more to say, but as I waited for a follow-up, her continued silence told me it wasn’t coming.
A pang of anxiety radiated from my chest. I wasn’t sure what I wanted her to say, but anything at all would have been better than nothing. She returned my honesty with honesty of her own, but I found myself desperately wishing I’d answered with a lie instead. Not even she could think of a reason why she wanted to include me. Pity was the only reason.
“I’m really glad you came, though,” she offered.
“Thanks. I’m glad I did, too,” I lied. My lips curled into a smile, but the rest of my face didn’t move.
After that, our eyes wandered away from each other. The end of our conversation left a sour taste in my mouth, but I knew I couldn’t reasonably be upset. What I said was true—she had every reason to not want me around—and her inability to argue that more or less affirmed that notion. Even with her gentle reassurance at the end, I could tell I was still unwanted.
At least being in the background felt a little less dismal since Fluttershy was there with me. Neither of us said much of anything the rest of practice, but that was probably for the best. The uncomfortable conclusion to our conversation pushed me even further away from a talkative mood than I already was.
If nothing else, feeling her presence close to me made me feel less awkward. I may not feel included, but I didn’t feel alone, and that was valuable in its own right.
An hour or so later, the practice began wrapping up. The girls all packed their respective instruments away, save for Pinkie who just left her drum kit in the shed. I almost offered to help Dash load up her amp into her van, but she and Applejack got to it before I had a chance to say anything. When everyone left the shed, I followed close behind, ready to clear out like I’m sure everyone was eager for me to.
All the girls gathered in the space between Rarity’s car and Dash’s van. I didn’t follow, but I could hear as they all shared their schedules for the coming week to plan for the next practice. That wasn’t any of my concern, so I just kept walking. Even if they wanted me to come to the next practice, there was a high chance I’d be working on whatever day they chose anyway.
However, before I could sit down on my bike, I heard my name.
“Sunset!” Applejack called.
“What?” I called back.
No response. I blinked and sighed, groaning under my breath as I made my way back to them.
“What?” I repeated.
As I turned the corner, AJ smiled at me. “What’s yer schedule lookin’ like next week?”
I squinted, my eyes glancing back and forth for a moment. What did that matter? My schedule should be entirely irrelevant to their plans. It’s their band, not mine.
“Why?”
She knit her brow, a smile still on her face. “Well, we were thinkin’ we’ll probably get together ‘round this time next Wednesday. That work for you?”
I pursed my lips. “I mean, I’ve got a closing shift after school that day, but you don’t have to worry about–”
“How ‘bout Thursday?” she interrupted.
If I wasn’t so perplexed as to why she seemed to press me on this, I might have gone off on her. I was really tired of being interrupted, but instead of scowling at her for it, I settled on a frustrated blink.
“I have most Thursdays off, so that works, I guess,” I answered.
“Alright, y’all. We’ll meet back here ‘round five next Thursday. Any last-minute objections?” Applejack inquired. Everyone answered with murmurs of agreement.
“Excellent! I’ll see all of you at school tomorrow.” Rarity parted from the group, Pinkie bounding close behind as they made their way to the front seats of Rarity’s car.
“See y’all then!” Applejack exclaimed as she made her way to the house across the way.
Before everyone else dispersed, I caught a glimpse of Rainbow Dash. It may have been just a split second, but the look of contempt in her eyes was unmistakable—almost exactly the same as the dirty look from earlier, and I could only assume it was for the same reason. That, and I’m sure she was none too happy about the fact that I would be at the next practice.
It took everything in me not to grab her by the shoulders and shout ‘what’s your fucking problem, why are you acting like this,’ before she could escape, but I knew it wasn’t worth it. In time, she would come around. If Fluttershy was willing to take a chance on me, she would eventually too.
And even then, if she didn’t, there was a sick sense of satisfaction in knowing she would have to have to deal with me anyway. For as much as she gave me to deal with, giving back was the least I could do. Maybe that was wrong, but hey, misery loves company.
As I turned to make my exit once more, I was stopped by Fluttershy.
“Thanks for coming again,” Fluttershy said with a smile.
“Yeah,” I replied, immediately turning away and trying to escape again.
“S-See you at school tomorrow,” she said, disappointment in her voice this time.
I clenched my teeth, stopping myself from snapping at her. Then I sighed.
I turned around, giving her an actual smile. “You too. And… thanks for inviting me.”
She seemed to perk up after that. Then we both went our separate ways.
While everyone was getting situated in their cars, I was quick to hop on my bike and turn the ignition. Before anyone else, I was pulling out of the driveway and back onto the road, ready to experience another round of freezing air biting at every part of my body.
I spent the whole ride home lost in thought about so many different things. The whole debacle with Dash when I got there, the brief conversation with Fluttershy, the hour and a half we spent wordlessly standing next to each other. I couldn’t stop my brain from overanalyzing every detail of every single interaction that night, even though there weren’t that many.
It was hard to judge how I felt about the night. It was pretty boring, but aside from when I arrived, everything had gone smoothly. I showed up, I was friendly, and everyone had a good time. Even if everything with Rainbow Dash never happened, things wouldn’t magically improve after tonight. I wanted to believe it was slow progress, but I couldn’t help but think it was a colossal waste of time.
And yet, I knew that wasn’t true. Not only was I invited to the next practice, but they even planned it around my work schedule. I wasn’t even in the band, yet they made an effort to ensure I would be able to come. And this time, I couldn’t say it was just Fluttershy being nice. It was Applejack who asked me what my schedule was. If that wasn’t progress, what was?
It was Rainbow Dash’s attitude that put such a damper on everything. Why did she have to be like that? I mean, I knew why, but why couldn’t she just let it go like everyone else in the group tentatively seemed to be willing to do?
As irritating and unnecessary as many of those thoughts were, they were at least distracting enough to make the ride home feel faster than it actually was. Before I knew it, I was parked behind my apartment complex. It felt good to be home, and when I walked inside, I was determined to leave all those disruptive thoughts at the door.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I checked the time. It was just a little past 9 PM. For a brief moment, I wondered why I felt even more exhausted than usual, almost spontaneously forgetting I’d just spent a few hours sitting around doing nothing. Not that that was too different from how I spent my free time, but it was far more mentally taxing when I wasn’t alone.
Still, even if I was even more tired than average, I didn’t want to go to bed yet. I had to find something to do until I had barely enough energy to keep my eyes open.
For the next several hours, I bounced around different spots in my apartment looking for ways to kill time. First, I played my guitar for about an hour. Watching the girls play their instruments compelled me to noodle around on my own.
As I did, I tried to remember some of the melodies Dash played to see if I could mimic them. Assuming I was correctly remembering how they went, they were relatively easy for me to nail down. My lips curled into a smile as I thought about one day picking up a guitar around her and playing her song better than she could. She’d be absolutely livid, but she’d never say why, because that would mean admitting I’m better than her.
When I eventually became too tired to play anything coherent, I sat at my computer desk and idly browsed the internet. I started sifting through one of the bookmark folders on my browser. It was a folder full of links to music made by independent musicians. Sometimes, I would click around web pages in search of new artists. When I found ones that piqued my interest, I’d put them in a folder to check out later. On nights like this, I’d go through them individually to see which ones I liked.
The first couple were local metal bands. While metal is my favorite genre of music, neither did much to impress me. It wasn’t long before I skipped over them and onto the next artist. Maybe it was just because I was so tired, but none of the artists on the list could hold my attention either. The last band I came across was made up of two guys wearing clown masks. It was hard to pinpoint what genre they were going for, but they were the most interesting band I found that night.
After a while of idly listening to music at my desk, I glanced at the clock on my computer. It was 1 AM. In only six hours, I’d have to wake up for school and start the slog all over again. I still wasn’t ready to go to bed, but I couldn’t stay up forever.
Sighing in resignation, I shut down my computer and made my way up the ladder to my bed. There were many parts of my day I typically hated. School was a depressing chore. Work was either dull or stressful with little in-between. And the rest of my time was usually spent alone with my thoughts until it was bedtime. And while I might have hated school the most out of all of that, trying to sleep was a close second.
Not long after the Fall Formal, sleeping soundly became an impossibly difficult task. The moment my conscious mind faded for the night, I’d have a visitor waiting for me. And every night, that visitor would waste no time turning every part of my dreamscape into a horrifying nightmare.
At least, it was most of the time. The nightmares I had were recurring, and any time it seemed like I was getting used to them, she’d find a way to keep things fresh. Some weeks, I’d wake up screaming multiple times a night. Other times, I’d sleep through the whole night, just to awaken the next morning in a pool of my own sweat, more tired than I was the night before.
No matter what, I still had to sleep. As I plopped down onto my mattress and covered myself, it didn’t take long for my true level of exhaustion to set in. Usually, the act of falling asleep was its own kind of chore. I’d often spend hours ruminating before I actually slipped out of lucidity, but tonight was different. My eyes were fixed on the night sky outside my window until my eyelids grew too heavy to hold open. Moments later, I was out cold.
And as nice as it might have seemed to fall asleep easier than usual, that wasn't a good thing. After all, my visitor was always eagerly waiting on the other side of consciousness.
Considering everything that happened at the Fall Formal, it might seem like I’d gotten off pretty easy. Somehow, I wasn’t expelled from school, no one reported me to the cops, and I wasn’t even pushed back through the portal before it closed like I expected to be.
That didn’t mean I was off the hook, though. My schedule became heavily regimented, and while it wasn’t an explicit part of my punishment, I had to maintain it in order to pay my restitution. On one hand, I could appreciate the consistency it brought to my life, but after a while, consistency gave way to repetition. The days and nights were slowly folding into one, and I resented that. If it meant I could have agency over my life again, I probably would have relapsed into my old ways by now. Unfortunately, I knew that would only make things worse, so I had to endure.
Even if my sentence made me miserable, I couldn’t deny the plea bargain I’d been given was rather gracious.
First off, I had to help repair the damage dealt to both the front yard and the entrance of the school. Mercifully, as someone with the body of a human teenage girl and no prior construction experience, the ways I could help were very limited. The work I was made to do was physically stressful, and it wasn’t long before there was nothing left I could reasonably help with. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of it; that just meant my recompense would be financial instead of physical.
Principal Celestia and Vice Principal Luna could have easily paid for it themselves, I bet, but I was at their mercy. They would only allow me to stick around if I made up for everything I’d done. Otherwise, they’d expel me, and I’d have to start all over at some other school. And while a fresh start sounded moderately appealing, it was also a terrifying prospect. The devil I knew was better than the one I didn’t.
As long as I stayed out of trouble, maintained good grades, and kept my job, everything would be square once I paid everything off. Since I didn’t have the money to pay for it all at once, I had to pay them back bi-weekly. This meant I was essentially paying a second rent. My apartment was relatively cheap, which meant I used to have a modest amount of money left over after rent. But all that disposable income vanished once my wages were garnished.
Working in a mall food court wasn’t exactly glamorous. I hated the job, most of my coworkers, and especially my boss, but the hours were flexible. The work itself was either strenuous or understimulating with little in-between, but I could take it easy when my boss wasn’t around. I wasn’t getting paid nearly enough for all the work I did, but I could put up with it. It was enough to make ends meet, and that’s all I could care about.
Well, it used to be enough.
After the formal, I had to work a minimum of thirty hours just to cover rent and the money I owed—almost twice the hours I was working before. And the most frustrating part was that I couldn’t just be given those hours. When I (mostly) explained to my boss why I needed to work more, he was reluctant to give them to me at first. In his words, I had to "prove myself" first.
This meant I had to bust my ass at work—as if I wasn’t already doing that. It wasn’t like I couldn’t handle the additional responsibility, but what irritated me was my boss’s dismissive attitude to my appeal. I thought that since I was (technically) a minor struggling to get by, he’d be willing to help me out without much question. But this is my life we’re talking about; seldom are things ever that easy.
Instead, he and I had a long talk in his office. While he droned on about “hardship builds character” and other trite nonsense, I nodded along and pretended to care. However, in my mind, I was fantasizing about walking out on him in the middle of our talk and keying his car before I left for good. From that day forward, I promised myself that’s what I’d do the second I had the chance to quit this job. That may seem antithetical to the whole “trying to be better” thing, but it's what he deserved.
My resolve to do so was emboldened during the weeks before I received those extra hours. It was thoroughly exhausting. Maintaining good grades while actually putting forth effort at work was almost too much for me. None of my classes were that hard aside from certain sciences and history, but it’s difficult to put forth the effort when your job takes up so much of your energy. The chronic lack of sleep combined with the fact that I was so poor that school lunch was my most substantial meal most days didn't help either. Fortunately, it didn’t take me long to make my way into his good graces and acquire the extra hours I needed.
But things didn’t really get any better after that. The financial burden wasn’t as hefty, but it did nothing to lighten my load. It just meant the weight I carried was redistributed. I may have gained financial stability, but I lost the few remaining ounces of free time I still had. If I wasn’t at school, I was at work. The little time I had at home I spent studying, sleeping, or trying very hard to avoid the latter.
Weekends had become a foreign concept to me. Since I could only work half-shifts during the weekdays, my longest shifts were always on Saturday and Sunday. For a good while, life was a seemingly endless and arduous grind.
That said, it wasn’t all bad. My coworkers, for as little as I liked most of them, were tolerable to work with. I tried my best to act cordial around most of them, but that was mostly for my own benefit. Truthfully, it was another front I put up to take advantage of them as I had done with so many others. For instance, on the rare occasion I needed someone to cover my shift, I could usually count on someone to do it for me.
And there were even a few I’d convinced to do more illicit favors for me—sometimes not even for my own benefit, but just to have ammunition in case they tried to cross me later on. I tried not to do that anymore, though, especially now that I was trying to be better about things like that.
Having such a tight schedule also meant I was always busy, and while the lack of free time left me with little energy and lots of resentment, it meant I spent less time alone with my thoughts, and that held some value.
And every day brought me closer to the day I would have the control over my life I so desperately wanted back. When the final bell rang at school, whenever my shifts would end, and when I would lie down at the end of the night, I reminded myself of that. There would come a day when things would be better. Life was rough then, but it wouldn’t always be that way.
Sometimes, reminding myself of that would do nothing for me. However, on this particular Wednesday, it was very effective.
On the surface, there was hardly anything significantly different about the day. All my classes were the same as they always were, I still received all the same glares from the other students through the halls, and most of my time at lunch was spent in silence while my friends chatted amongst themselves. The slog was the same as it had been for months.
There was just one key difference: Rainbow Dash wasn’t there. She hadn’t been to school since the week prior. Over the weekend, she had come down with some kind of respiratory illness and missed school every day since. Those three days were so relieving. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t take a little pleasure in the fact that she was ill, but that wasn’t why I was happy. The positive impact her absence had on my mental health was certainly noticeable to me.
Usually, on Wednesdays, I felt overcome with dread when school ended. While most of the hours I worked each day varied from week to week, Wednesdays were the only consistent fixture on my schedule. School releasing for the day meant there were only two hours between me and my least favorite kind of shift: closing.
Dash not being at school was enough to help me avoid dwelling on that. It was a radiant beam of light piercing through the dark cloud that typically hung over my head at that time. Perhaps I should have felt worse—we were supposed to be friends, after all. But just a week ago she’d confirmed we weren’t really friends, and that was enough to absolve me of any guilt.
A deep exhale left my lips as I strolled down the empty school hallway. After the final bell, I’d usually sit in my last class for a little while and wait for the halls to clear up. It was the only time at school besides lunch I had the chance to walk through the halls without rushing.
The hallway was bereft of any other students by the time I made my exit. So it was strange when I heard someone running behind me as I walked to the back exit of the school. At first I thought it was just another student who left class late. Figuring they’d go out of their way to avoid me like anyone else would, I kept making my way out, paying it no mind. However, as the footsteps grew louder, my attention was drawn back to them.
“Sunset!" A familiar voice cried out. "W-Wait up!”
As my head whipped around, my eyes went wide as I realized who the voice had come from.
Fluttershy was sprinting toward me like she was being chased. I could hear her panting heavily as she closed the gap between us. She must not have realized I stopped, because even after I turned to face her, she didn’t make any effort to slow down. Bracing myself, I held my hands out in front of me to catch her, grabbing her a split second before impact.
The momentum her lithe body carried was enough to make me falter briefly, but not nearly enough to cause me to lose balance. With my hands on her shoulders, Fluttershy looked dazed as she continued gasping for breath. I wasn’t sure where her last class was, but it must have been a decent distance for her to be that exhausted. It didn't help that she was dressed up in all her winter gear.
“Hi,” I greeted with a smirk. I was trying to play it cool, but I was immensely confused.
In what I assume was an attempt to regain her composure, Fluttershy shook her head. Doing so seemed to break her out of her daze, but only momentarily. When everything began to sink in, her eyes went wide. She became stiff, a fearful look spread across her flushed face. Not a sound came from her as she stood there, an arm’s length away from me.
"You know, if you’re gonna try to tackle someone, you shouldn’t give them so much warning," I joked.
My hands relaxed and my arms fell steadily to my sides. Fluttershy was still frozen.
“Also, maybe try someone who doesn’t weigh twice as much as you.”
Still no movement, just a terrified squeak in response.
“That’s a joke, by the way.”
Slowly but surely, Fluttershy began to decompress, but she still seemed a little too overwhelmed to say anything.
“Is… everything okay?" I questioned. If I had to guess, she probably panicked when she realized I had grabbed her. While I used to bully her, I never did anything to her physically, but I still couldn’t blame her for being terrified when she realized the position she was in.
Fluttershy blinked a couple of times before finally breaking her stunned silence. “Gosh, I-I’m so sorry, I–”
She stopped as I raised my open palm. “Just. Tell me what’s up.”
It took a few moments for Fluttershy to regain whatever her version of composure looked like. She shifted around uncomfortably where she stood, breathing still labored. Her eyes carefully avoided me as they wandered around the hall.
“I… Uhm, I have a really big favor to ask." I could barely hear her as her head tilted toward the floor. When I didn’t answer right away, she looked back up. "Is that okay?”
My lips tightened, but I still tried to hold my smile. If she needed to ask for a favor, why didn’t she just ask instead of wasting my time saying something useless like that? Instead of narrowing my eyes like I wanted to, I raised an eyebrow. I thought an intrigued expression would prompt her to continue, but she just sat there, as if verbal confirmation was the only acceptable answer.
And if that was the case, that was too bad for her. Instead, I raised my hand and motioned for her to go on.
“W-Well, uhm…” she stammered, another pause following.
I inhaled through my nose like I was about to sigh, but stopped myself before I could. Everything about this interaction had been grating so far, and it was getting hard not to show it. I needed her to be my friend. I needed us to be friends. The fastest way to do that was with patience and understanding, even if those were two things I was always in short supply of.
“Dashie was supposed to take me to the animal shelter after school today, but since she’s sick, I don’t have a ride.”
I raised both my eyebrows and blinked. “…And you want me to give you a ride?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry. I know it’s really short notice, and I-I hope it isn't too much trouble, but I don’t really have any other options.”
Realistically, it wouldn’t be any trouble. There was still a fair amount of time between then and when I had to work. Even if the shelter was across town, I’d still have more than enough time to drop her off and get home to prepare for my shift. But that didn’t mean I wanted to do it. Even if I had the time, that would cut into my invaluable “sit on my bed and stare at the wall before it’s time to go to work” time.
But this would also be a golden opportunity to be a good friend to her. A chance to show her that I’m just as—if not more—dependable than all our other friends. And even if that wasn’t necessarily true, all I needed was for her to believe that.
As the thought of our friends crossed my mind, I felt confused. Out of everyone she could have asked, why me? Applejack and Rarity both drove themselves to school, and she was closer to both of them. Why hadn't she just hitched a ride with one of them? She’d undoubtedly feel more comfortable with either of them as opposed to riding on the back of my bike in the frigid, late winter temperatures.
Which led me to an equally perplexing question. Did she know what riding with me would entail? There was no way I could imagine someone like Fluttershy riding on the back of my bike. When I thought about it, I envisioned her arms crushing my rib cage, her voice shrieking in my ear any time the speedometer pointed to a number above a single digit. Also, I only had one helmet.
My brain scrambled to figure out the best response. It would reflect poorly on me to say no, but how would it reflect on me if I said yes only to give her the most terrifying ride of her life?
Giving her a straight answer in either direction had the potential to backfire. I had to find a way to say yes while also giving her the impression I cared more about her comfort than I truly did. That's what a good friend is supposed to do, right?
"Wouldn't you rather ask someone like Rarity or Applejack?" I asked. "Not that I'm saying no, but you do know I ride a motorcycle, right? I don’t know if you’ve ever been on one, but it’d be a rough ride, especially when it’s as cold out as it is."
Fluttershy looked more nervous as she shook her head. “I've never been on one before, no, but I don't think it'll be that bad."
Her tone implied she was as confident about that as I was.
"And besides, I already tried to find both of them after class, and I think they’ve already gone home.” As her eyes began to shift around the hall again, she shrank into herself. “Plus, I-I think I already missed my bus trying to find them, too.”
Of course she would have gone to them first. I would never be her first choice for something like that. That made me feel like an idiot.
“You could just call them, you know.”
“I can’t do that. What if they’re still driving?”
It was hard to say that wasn’t a fair point, but it didn’t stop me from wanting to glare at her as if she was making up excuses. Either way, I couldn’t leave her stranded at school, especially after she’d asked me for a ride. With that in mind, I gave her my best reassuring grin.
I let out a defeated sigh. “Well, I can’t guarantee the ride will be any fun, but sure, I’ll take you there.”
She smiled ear to ear. “Oh, thank you so much!” she exclaimed.
I couldn’t help but cock my head back. Her enthusiastic reaction took me by surprise. Once she realized how taken aback I was, she receded into herself, hiding behind her hair. She was acting like such a little dork, and for once, I didn’t mean that in a derogatory way.
I motioned for her to follow as I made my way down the hall. Right before we got to the doors, I noticed I could barely hear her footsteps behind me. I turned around to see if I’d walked too far ahead of her, but she was right behind me still. Her eyes were fixed on her phone as her thumbs tapped the screen.
"Here," she said as she looked up at me, “I pulled up a map to the animal shelter in case you needed it.”
She held the phone up to my face as we walked out of the doors. Immediately, I recognized the location. The shelter was across the street from a gas station I used to go to frequently, so with just one glance at her screen, I knew exactly how to get there. Thankfully, I’d still have a little time to dissociate at home before work.
Soon, we were both standing before my bike in the back parking lot. I unlocked one of the saddlebags and pulled out a pair of sunglasses and my helmet.
"Put this on." I gestured for her to take the helmet from my hands as I slipped the sunglasses onto my face.
Once the helmet was in her hands, she started rotating it, inspecting it as if she’d never seen one before. I had to suppress a giggle. It made me wonder if she thought I booby-trapped it or something. Once she finished her examination, she placed it over and on her head, leaving the straps dangling from the bottom. When she didn’t buckle them herself, I reached over and did it for her.
She tried not to, but I felt her jump when she felt my hands under her chin. I felt a little guilty, but her reaction was kind of amusing, too. As entertaining as it was, I could understand her apprehension given our history, and I stifled a laugh as to not embarrass her over that.
“There.” I lifted the face shield of the helmet so she could hear me better. “Now, I’m gonna get situated on the bike first. Once I’m in place, you’ll sit on the seat right behind me. Then, once you’re comfortable, we’ll get rolling.”
Once Fluttershy nodded, I mounted myself onto the bike. With the kickstand back up, I balanced it in place with my foot, then motioned for her to get on. She moved with uncertainty as she attempted to get to her seat. After a few stumbles and missteps, she managed to sit down right behind me.
“Uhm…” She quavered. “Wh-where's the seatbelt?”
“Motorcycles don’t have seatbelts,” I answered. “You have to hold yourself down.”
“But how?”
“You’ve got arms, don’t you?”
She looked confused.
“You’re supposed to hang on to me.”
Her eyes went wide. “B-But–”
“Don’t worry, I’m a good driver. I’ll keep it slow and steady, and as long as you hold on tight, I'll make sure you don't fly off.” I punctuated my reassurance with a chuckle.
She slowly nodded, the anxiety in her expression still present.
“Ready?” I asked.
“Wait!” she exclaimed, “Where’s your helmet?”
“You’re wearing it,” I replied. “I only have one helmet since I don’t usually have a passenger.But don’t worry, I’ll be alright.”
That was mostly true. If this were a trip across town, that may have been a cause for concern, but since the shelter wasn’t too far away from school, this would be easy. The only part of making the trip I feared was how cold my face would be at the end, but I trusted myself behind the handlebars enough to know neither of us would be in any danger because of that.
"O-Okay, just… please be careful."
“I’ll try,” I said with a smirk.
The look in her eyes told me she wasn’t satisfied with my answer. Her expression gave me a weird feeling. I could feel the concern in her gaze, but that just confused me. Everything I did frightened her, yet she seemed that worried about my safety. Every interaction between us had given me the impression she couldn’t decide whether she feared me, or if she wanted to be my friend.
“I’m just messing with you,” I clarified. “I’ll be real careful, I promise.”
I pushed the shield back over her face with a finger. As it popped into place, she flinched. It was getting exceptionally hard not to giggle every time she fidgeted over something seemingly innocuous. Why did she have to be like that? There was something about her jumpiness that was so amusing. It wasn't like before when I derived enjoyment from the displeasure it caused. There was just something strangely endearing about it. Maybe I was starting to go soft, though I doubted it.
When I turned around, Fluttershy’s arms loosely wrapped around me. After turning the key, I flipped the safety switch on the right handle and held the clutch. As the engine roared to life, Fluttershy’s grip tightened like I was choking on the air I was breathing. If it weren’t for all the oxygen in my lungs quickly being squeezed out of me, I probably would have laughed.
Instead, I reached down to her hands, interlocked around my waist and tugged at them. After a few seconds, she got the message, and my lungs were met with a flood of cold air. The engine may have been too loud for me to hear her apologize like I knew she wanted to, but I could hear her do it in my head anyway.
Once I caught my breath, I backed my motorcycle out of the parking spot and made my way out of the lot. As we pulled out onto the road, I could feel Fluttershy’s grip tighten once more. It wasn’t as strict, but it was still plenty firm, and it made it a little hard to breathe. Even while going ten under the speed limit, her clutch was just as tight the whole way there.
The helmet dug into my back as she held on for dear life. She must have taken my comment about flying off a bit too literally. There was something kind of—for lack of a better term—cute about that. Unfortunately, as weirdly charming as it was, it was also pretty distracting. I was grateful that the shelter wasn’t that far. If she’d held onto me that tight any longer, she might have given me brain damage.
The only thing keeping me from fainting due to lack of oxygen was how bitterly cold it was. For better or worse, the cold air always kept me wide awake. It was hard not to be when the frigid air felt like razors dragging across my face.
If that wasn't enough to make me alert, every part of my head being in constant agony was. Less than a minute into the ride my ears were numb, my nostrils were aching, and my lips were bone dry. Without my sunglasses, my eyes would have probably frozen over. The minimal protection offered by them was enough for me to stay focused on the road, but that didn’t stop it from feeling like someone was shoving ice cubes into my eye sockets.
Before long, we were pulling into the shelter’s parking lot. Once the sounds of the engine faded, her hands finally unclasped. It was a short ride, but in just that span of time, I’d forgotten what it was like to breathe normally. I inhaled deeply, quickly regretting it as the cold air against my already thoroughly irritated throat threw me into a brief fit of coughing.
Fluttershy stepped off the bike. After she did, I set the kickstand down and stepped off right after her.
When I looked over at her, she was trembling. I couldn’t tell if it was because of the cold, the stress from her first ride on my bike, or both. Before I could speculate any further, she quickly pulled off the helmet and launched into a frantic apology. “Oh my gosh, I-I’m so sorry! I didn't mean to hold on that tight! I–”
“Fluttershy!” I snapped. The constant apologies were getting incredibly aggravating.
As I interrupted her, she immediately froze in place, donning the same expression she’d worn in the hallway. As I blinked, my brows unknitted and I sighed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell, but really, it’s okay.” I gently placed my hand on her shoulder. “If there were any problems, I would have pulled over. You did great for your first ride. I promise.”
To my surprise, the tension in her faded, even with my hand on her shoulder.
“O-Okay. S-Sorry about that.”
It was a good thing I was wearing sunglasses, so she couldn’t see how hard I blinked when she apologized again.
“And thanks for the ride. I really owe you for this,” she trembled.
As I took my sunglasses off, I grinned at her. “Don’t worry about it,” I assured. “In fact, just consider this me making up for… well, you know.”
She nodded, a bashful smile on her face. “You know, you really don't have to worry about that. I'd rather leave all that behind us anyway."
An empty chuckle passed my lips. "You won't hear any argument from me on that.”
Both of us just shifted around awkwardly after that. It looked like she had a response to that, but wouldn’t say anything. Neither of us could seem to find words. Eventually, it was me who broke the stalemate.
"Well, I should bounce," I remarked. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."
"Yeah," she affirmed. "I should get inside, too. I'm already a little late."
"Shit, I didn't think I was going that slow."
"Oh, no, I didn’t mean–"
“Joke,” I stated simply. “It was a joke.”
She looked away sheepishly. "W-Well, still, this is a volunteer job, so I don't really have hours, so it’s fine. I just like showing up at a specific time. I was already going to be late by the time we caught up in the hallway."
With a slight nod, I turned to my bike. "Right. Well, see you tomorrow."
"See you then!" She waved before making her departure.
Instead of getting on my bike right, I just watched her begin walking to the entrance. As I did, I wondered how she planned to get home. If Rainbow Dash was usually the one who brought her here, how’d she get back? And how long would she be volunteering for, anyway?
My eyes looked toward the ground as I bit my thumb. What did I care what her ride situation was? That was her problem, not mine. Besides, there wasn’t much I could do to help if she did need a ride. I had to be at work soon. Unless she planned on staying for half an hour or less, there was no possible way I could give her a ride and make it to my shift on time.
But I still kept thinking about it. How likely would she be to accept if I offered? This was all based on the assumption she’d need a ride in the first place. If she already had one, she wouldn’t need me. Beyond that, would she even want to go through another drive on the bike? The moment she got off, she seemed pretty shaken, so I highly doubted that.
And even if she needed a ride, she’d probably decline. I quietly laughed to myself as I imagined her response. “Oh, you’ve already done enough for me. Also, I’m sorry,” or something to that effect.
Every way I looked at it, her answer was more than likely going to be no. And if it was, I’d be in the clear, and it would make it look like I was trying to be friendly. What was the harm in asking something I could reasonably predict the answer to if it made me look good?
“Hey, how are you getting home?” I asked.
Fluttershy stopped, turning to face me again. “Oh! Uhm… well, Rainbow Dash usually comes and picks me up in a couple of hours, but I’ll probably just walk home tonight.”
Exactly what I expected. But why stop there? Why not sweeten it up a bit?
“You sure about that? There’s supposed to be another cold snap tonight. I don't know if you ever want to get on this thing again, but I could swing by and bring you home if you want.”
Given my upcoming shift, I knew this wasn't true, but she was undoubtedly going to refuse, so what did it matter?
Her eyes went wide. She blinked, then her lips curled into a tight smile. “I mean, the ride wasn't that bad," she said, incredibly unconvincingly. "I-I’ll be okay, though. I couldn’t ask you to do anymore for me than you’ve already done. Besides, don’t you have to go to work in a little bit?”
Well, that was that. Everything went exactly as I expected. She even remembered I had said I had to work that day at band practice last week, and while that made me feel kind of weird, it was all I needed to say I had tried. It was time to get back on my bike, head to my apartment, and get ready for my closing shift.
“No, actually, I got tonight off. I swapped schedules with someone.”
…Or not.
As I watched Fluttershy’s eyes shift back and forth, I began screaming at myself internally. Something in my brain must have short-circuited because I could not figure out why I said that. She said no—twice—so why was I digging deeper into this ankle-deep hole?
“Uhm… I-I guess I’d appreciate that. But only as long as it’s not an inconvenience, that is.”
I couldn't help but feel like she was trying not to smile. It was hard to tell since she kept avoiding looking in my direction, but that was probably why she refused to look at me.
Either way, yes, it was a huge inconvenience. I couldn’t just sit around and wait until she was done, and I couldn’t just leave work in the middle of my shift to come pick her up and drop her off. The hole had become deeper than I was tall, but she’d thrown me a ladder. I still had a chance to climb out.
“I didn’t have anything else to do tonight anyway, so sure, why not?”
But, as history has shown, I had a thing for laying in the dirt. And as if she was looking down at me, Fluttershy’s eyes fixed on the ground.
“Well, if you don’t have anything else to do tonight, maybe you could come in with me and help out?” she suggested, looking up at me with a pleading smile. “That way, I could get things done faster, and you won’t have to leave and come back.”
The ladder was revoked. At that point, how could I say no? I was cornered. This wasn’t like band practice where I could conceal why I didn’t want to go with a decent reason. I had just told her my night was free when it wasn’t, and now she was asking me to do something with her because of that. This might have been the kind of opportunity I’d been waiting for, but it wasn’t how I wanted it.
Maybe I should have given up the act right then. Tell her the whole truth. She might be upset at first, but she would understand, right? After all, her whole thing was kindness, and being kind meant being forgiving, right? She’d forgive me if I admitted I had just lied to her face multiple times in the span of a few minutes for no apparent reason, right?
Right?
But even with all that considered, saying no felt impossible. I may have trapped myself, but, if nothing else, it was exactly what I needed to get on her good side. An opportunity to further our friendship had just been dropped into my lap on a silver platter. Flash’s words ran through my head again. If I get close to Fluttershy, that would help with my Dash problem. Out of everything that brought me down in life, that was the most immediately fixable thing, and this was a chance to work toward that.
Wouldn’t Rainbow Dash be happy to know that I not only fulfilled her duties as her best friend’s chauffeur, but that I also engaged in something she likes doing? How could she—or any of the other girls—see that as anything other than definitive proof that I was improving? This was a step in the right direction, and while it would inconvenience me, the potential payoff had a good chance to make my life just a little easier.
But at what cost? It wouldn't just inconvenience me. It could completely screw me. Was all this worth the potential financial instability of missing out on work? What would happen if I couldn’t afford my payment this cycle? Or if I couldn’t afford rent?
If I missed work this evening, I could just make up the hours, but that was only if there were hours available at all. If there were, I’d more than likely have to work them over the weekend. That meant I’d have even less time to rest before the next week of school. On top of that, I’d be screwing over my coworker. If it were anyone else, I wouldn’t care, but I was scheduled to work with the one I got along with the most.
This was all so stupid. My brain was intentionally making things worse for me. It was almost as if I wasn’t in control anymore.
But, as if my brain was apologizing to me, I suddenly had an idea. I would still be screwing over my coworker, but that specific coworker owed me a favor from about a year ago, and redeeming that favor was my only way out of this stupid situation. After the formal, as part of my whole “trying to be better” deal, I swore I’d never call it in; but that was before I'd been boxed in by my impulses, and it was the only way out.
The seconds were ticking by, and I couldn’t just stand there without an answer for much longer.
“I’ve never done this kind of thing before, so I don’t know how much help I can really be, but sure, lead the way.”
Fluttershy smiled the widest I’d seen yet. “Yay!” She exclaimed, “Just follow me. I’ll show you around, and we’ll be done in no time.”
Once again, she seemed unreasonably excited—not unlike how happy she seemed after I told her I’d give her a ride. I would have expected her reaction to the prospect of spending more time with me to be the opposite, but I’d been wrong about her quite a few times in a row already. Maybe I wasn't the only one who had something seriously wrong with them.
Regardless, I followed her to the shelter's entrance. The double doors automatically opened as we stepped close to them. The sudden shift in temperature as we walked into the heated building briefly distracted me from everything. I had grown used to being cold after the ride. The heat continued to spread through my body. It felt good to be indoors again.
The nerves summoned by my previous mental conundrum began to ease as I warmed up, but there was still the pressing matter of calling out of work. How was I going to do that without letting Fluttershy in on the fact that I lied about swapping shifts?
My eyes wandered around the lobby for a few moments. There was a receptionist desk near the wall opposite the front door with a few doors behind it. The desk was empty, but I could see someone behind one of the doors through a small window on it.
Then I saw exactly how I would call out of work without being noticed. On the far side of the room was a single-person restroom. All I had to do was say I needed to use the restroom, call out of work while I'm in there, and I’d be home free.
“I'll be right back," I remarked. "I’m gonna go run to the bathroom real quick.”
Fluttershy nodded. “Okay! It's right over there." She pointed to the room I had already started hastily walking toward. "I’ll be out here when you’re done!”
By the time she’d said that, I was already in the doorway. I turned and nodded before closing the door, clicking the lock after it shut behind me.
Once inside, I flicked both switches on the wall. Both the light and the vent fan came to life. To my relief, the fan sounded loud enough to prevent my voice from being audible outside the door. Still, out of caution, I walked to the opposite wall from the bathroom door and sat in the furthest corner. It’s not like I expected her to try and listen in, but I couldn’t be too careful.
Fishing my phone out of my pocket, I opened my phone app and scrolled through my contacts. After I pressed the “Work” contact, my thumb hovered over the call button. I hesitated, reminding myself just how stupid this was. There was no way this was as big of a deal as I was making it out to be, but it was too late for reason. No matter how dumb this was, I was committed.
The phone beeped as I pressed the call button. As it rang, I desperately hoped my coworker’s shift had already begun. I would have been fine if it was another coworker, but that would mean I’d have to ask them to talk to him specifically, and that might raise suspicion. Perhaps I was being paranoid, but I was about to ask for something that had the potential to land us both in a lot of trouble.
The line clicked as someone answered in a very deadpan tone. “For The Love of Cod, this is Hazy Skate.”
It was him.
“Skates! It’s Sunset.”
Hazy Skate—or Skates, as I called him—was a shift manager I worked with pretty frequently. Out of all my coworkers, he was the one I always got along with the best. The hate we shared for our jobs was only matched by how much we hated our boss. I didn’t try to make friends at work, but misery loves company, and it was hard not to form a bond with someone who hated the same things as much as I did.
“Hey, Shimmy! How’s it hanging?” he asked enthusiastically. Before I could answer, he spoke again. “Wait. Oh no. Wait a second, you’re not about to tell me I'm on my own tonight, are you?”
I smacked my lips, sucking in air through my teeth in response. “Yeahhh, see, about that. Something came up and I’m not gonna be able to come in. Sorry, Skates.”
"Ugh, you're killing me, Shimmy!” he exclaimed. “You're supposed to be the only one in this shitheap I can rely on!"
"I know, I know. For what it's worth, I wouldn't do this unless it was super important." That wasn’t even remotely true, but he didn't need to know that, and I knew he wouldn't ask.
“Hey, don't sweat it, I'm just fuckin' with you. It’s no big deal, I just hope you’re alright. You sick or something?”
“Do I have to answer that?”
“Nah, I’m not asking for any record, I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”
“Then I plead the fourth.”
“Well I’m not a cop and I ain’t interested in searching your shit, so I don’t know what you mean by that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever number it is—you know what I mean, jackass.”
He laughed in response. “I’m just messing with you, Shimmy, chill. And honestly I’m only asking because I’m worried about you. If today were Monday, I might be able to give you some extra hours over the weekend, but I don’t know if I can do that on such short notice, and if you don’t come in today, I don’t know if you’re gonna hit that quota of yours.”
Skates was aware of my financial situation more than anyone else. When our boss wouldn’t give me the hours I needed right away, he would call me in to work any time there was an opening on the schedule. On the rare occasion I did call out, he would still help me out, but he could only do it if it was early enough in the week. It was another reason I was closer to him than any of my other coworkers. Most of them didn't care, but he did; at least as far as I could tell.
“I figured as much,” I responded, “That’s why I’m finally calling in that favor.”
He sighed. “You know, I was honestly hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“I wasn’t gonna, but I really need this. Please, Skates?”
I could hear him sigh on the other end. In the few seconds of silence that followed, I began to wonder if he was going to refuse.
Towards the end of April of last year, there was a day that he really needed off. He wouldn’t tell me why, but it seemed incredibly important to him. A few days before, he came into work, ranting about how much of a dick our boss is for denying his request after having approved it earlier in the year. I would have offered to fill in for him, but there were two problems with that: we were both scheduled to work that night, and he’s technically my superior.
That didn’t stop me from hatching an idea, though. It was simple: I would work alone that day. I would punch in and out for both of us, and take care of all the closing duties myself. That way, he’d still get paid for a day’s work, and he’d get his day off. It was a stupidly dangerous plan, but at the time, I could afford to get fired. Thankfully, it all went off without a hitch.
In exchange for risking my ass on his behalf, he agreed to help if I ever asked for something similar. Even if he was apprehensive, he couldn’t say no. Well, he could, and at that point, I probably would have let it go; but he didn’t know that, and I was banking on that.
“Look, Shimmy, I know you said it's important, but I don’t know about this. I mean, I’m already on final warning, and if Fry catches me flubbing up hours like that, I’m fucked. And if he finds out I’m doing it for you, we’re both fucked, and you got a lot more on the line than me.”
“Come on!” I covered my mouth, hoping Fluttershy hadn’t heard my outburst. After a few seconds of nothing ticked by, I continued.
“He’s not gonna notice. He never noticed the last time we did it. And it's not like we do this all the time, either. No one's gonna find out. Besides, you owe me!”
“I know, but for real, like… I just don't think–”
“So what, are you just gonna roll over and take it when he denies your time off request in April again?”
The line went silent.
“You know he's going to. Who are you gonna go to when he does that, huh?”
The silence persisted until Skates sighed into the receiver.
“You just tell me the day, and you’ll be covered. You won’t even have to remind me. It’ll be just like last time.”
“Alright, fine,” he conceded. “It’s the twentieth just like last time. But after that, that’s it. I’m not gonna do this again. We are not going to do this again. Clear?” Skates sounded more serious than I'd ever heard him before.
The relief I felt was almost palpable, though it was overshadowed by a feeling in my gut.
“Crystal,” I agreed. “Thanks, Skates. You’re the best.”
His usual chill tone returned after a chuckle. “Don’t I know it, babe.”
“Don’t call me that. You know how much I hate how you call me Shimmy; don't push your luck.”
He scoffed. “I'm pushing my luck? Who’s the one doing who a favor right now?”
“Fine, you’re right," I playfully resigned. "But for real, thanks. I gotta go now, but I’ll see you Friday.”
“I hope so. Take care.”
We both hung up at the same time. Finally, I was free. The crisis had been averted. Now I could go spend time with Fluttershy, and to top it all off I’d get paid to do it. Everything was coming up Sunset.
Even if everything seemed to be going in my favor, I couldn’t help but hesitate as I made my way to the bathroom door. My hand hovered over the handle as my thoughts began to swirl.
This whole thing was pure cascading stupidity. If I hadn’t impulsively lied to Fluttershy, I could have worked my normal shift. If I worked my regular hours, I would have never had to call in that favor. And even though I wanted to believe the crisis had been averted, was it really, or had I only postponed it?
While our boss might be a bumbling buffoon with a paltry grasp on how the time clock system works, what if he found out another way? What if he decided to show up unannounced tonight? That wasn’t like him, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t happen.
The threat of unemployment was no longer dangling over my head as precariously, but it was still there. Only now, it wasn’t just hanging over my head anymore. Skates was an accomplice, and as such, he had to worry about his job too. And for what? Something that may amount to nothing but a night wasted?
I shook my head. There was nothing left to do. As thoughtless and unnecessary as most of my actions had been that evening, there was nothing I could do to change them at that point. I just had to hope that this would work out as I planned. Fluttershy and I would become friends faster, Rainbow Dash would hopefully lighten up soon after, and eventually, I could finally get them—and everyone else—to believe that I’d changed
I felt weird going into school Thursday morning. After calling out of work, things went well and, to my surprise, it was actually kinda fun working with Fluttershy at the shelter. After that, for the first time, I felt like this whole plan might actually work.
On the flip side, there was a distinct nagging in the back of my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if my boss caught onto the fact I didn’t work the day before. Sure, the chances of him finding out about me and my coworker’s arrangement were pretty slim, but there was still a chance, and as long as that possibility was there, I couldn’t not worry about it.
It probably wouldn’t have sat on my mind for so long had it not been for how serious Skates had sounded. In all our time working together, I’d never heard Skates without his chill demeanor. That wasn’t to say he couldn’t be serious when he needed to be, but, even then, he still managed to maintain his vibe. Did he have a reason to worry that I didn’t know about, and if he did, why didn’t he tell me?
Of course, there was a good chance I was just psyching myself out over nothing. Ever since the Formal, I’d gotten good at that. I would overanalyze any and every minuscule interaction, and, more often than not, find myself jumping to outlandish conclusions. There was a combination of factors working against me that made it hard to be reasonable, a chronic lack of sleep chief among them.
Still, I tried my best to convince myself there was nothing to worry about, and to focus on the positives. We had gotten away with doing this before, and there was no reason to expect we wouldn’t again. I’d go to work on Friday, suffer through my shift and, at the end, realize there was nothing to be anxious about. This was undeniably a big step toward winning Fluttershy over, and by extension, the rest of the girls. That’s what I kept telling myself, even though it did nothing to dispel my uneasiness. I just needed something to distract me long enough for it to be pushed out of my mind.
Unfortunately for me, I hadn’t realized how distracted I already was. If I had, I might have realized how slow I was walking to class.
My train of thought was broken as I heard running behind me. Before I had any time to react, my entire body was thrust forward. As I felt my equilibrium shift, I tried to reach out my hands to stop myself before making an impact, but the force at which I was sent careening into the locker was greater than I anticipated.
I managed to turn my head just in time so I didn’t break my nose, but I couldn’t help but let out a loud grunt as the unforgiving steel door of a locker kissed my cheek. Thankfully, the sound I made was obscured by the loud slam on impact.
My head spun for a few moments. When I regained a sense of balance, I pushed myself off of the locker. My eyes fixed on the two boys running down the hall, but, by that point, they were both too far away to identify. As I looked around, I noticed multiple students staring at me. Some of them were snickering, while a few looked on in fear, as if they were expecting me to explode and take it out on them. Of course, no one seemed concerned about my well-being, only my ire.
Growling under my breath, I shook my head. Even if I wanted to, there was no point in taking out my frustration on anyone around me. There was no point in chasing after those boys. If I caught up to them, it wasn’t like I could retaliate without jeopardizing myself. There was no point in trying to figure out who they were, either. Even if I managed to figure out who they were, no faculty or staff member would believe me, or care.
“How’s locker taste?” a raspy voice said from behind.
Quickly turning around, my eyes met with the source. It was Rainbow Dash. Great. Exactly who I wanted to see after something like that.
Only, I was expecting to see a shit-eating grin on her face, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that wasn’t the case. She was smiling, but her brows were pulled together, almost as if she was looking at me sympathetically.
Giving a wan smile in return, I softly exhaled. “Like shit.”
“Tough break,” she replied.
My brow furrowed as she turned and began to walk off. Really? Tough break? That’s it? We weren’t friends, sure, but that was her reaction to seeing me being attacked?
Still, that was probably the nicest thing she’d ever said to me—a profoundly low bar, now raised by at least a few centimeters. It wasn’t much, but it was something. If not for my progress with Fluttershy yesterday, I may not have been able to reel in my frustration so quickly. I wasn’t going to blow this immediately after I started getting somewhere.
Instead of letting her get away, I caught up and followed along with her, side by side. If she hadn’t been there, I would have just started sprinting to my next class. Even with all the problems I had with her, though, I felt marginally safer with Dash at my side. We still weren’t friends, but she wasn’t shoving me into any lockers, and maybe the other students would think twice if I stuck with her.
Naturally, Rainbow Dash didn’t even acknowledge my presence. If she did, it was clear she wasn’t very interested in a conversation. Perhaps I should have just been content with walking together, but after last night, I felt a little ambitious.
After a few seconds of walking together in awkward silence, I finally broke the ice.
“So,” I hesitated, “feeling any better today?”
She shrugged. “Eh, kinda yeah.” Her lingering illness was still making her sniffle on occasion. “I could have used another day off, but if I didn’t come to school today, my parents wouldn’t let me go to band practice tonight.”
“Couldn’t we all use another day off?” I joked.
That got me a pity laugh from her, but the conversation died almost immediately after. It was hard to ignore how annoyed I was at how little regard Rainbow Dash seemed to have for me, but perhaps I was being too optimistic. This wasn’t going to happen instantly. Things might be going well with Fluttershy, but Fluttershy also wasn’t a jerk.
Either way, I wasn’t about to give up just yet. I cleared my throat and made another attempt.
“Um, just in case you’re wondering, I took Fluttershy to the shelter. You know, since you weren’t here yesterday and all.”
“Oh,” she flatly replied, looking off to her other side briefly.
”I volunteered with her, too,” I added. “It was a lot of fun.”
“That’s cool.”
My tolerance for her stonewalling was rapidly depleting. If she didn’t care about me, then that’s whatever, but I wasn’t even trying to talk about me. She didn’t even care about Fluttershy getting a ride? She didn’t care about the fact that I was hanging out with her best friend? It’s not like I was expecting her to change her tune right then and there, but some kind of acknowledgment beyond two words would have been nice.
As she pointed her thumb behind us, I felt hopeful that maybe she was starting to open up.
“So how often does that happen?” she asked about the locker incident, a smirk on her face.
The sliver of hope I felt vanished in an instant.
Of course she wouldn’t be interested in friendly conversation, but she was plenty interested in my misfortune. Still, it was communication, and even if I had to pierce my tongue with my teeth not to snap at her, it seemed like she was throwing me a line.
“Oh, you know,” I paused before continuing, unsure if I wanted to give a fully honest answer or not. “It happens just about every single day. Between almost every class.”
I tried to make it sound like I wasn’t taking it too seriously. Not only did I not want to sound whiny, but I also didn’t want to look weak in front of her. This conversation was already as stilted as it could get.
“Makes sense,” she answered. “I mean, you used to do that kind of stuff all the time, didn’t you?”
That line she threw was merely bait, and I’d just bit the hook. Luckily for her, it went right through the hole I’d punched in my tongue earlier, so I elected to try and move past that.
“No, actually,” I answered. “I mean, sure, I did a lot of bad shit, yeah, but I never tried to get physical with anyone. I mean, some people tried to get that way with me, but I always considered that beneath me.”
“Never, huh?” she responded, her voice a little more firm. “I don’t know, the Formal was just a few months ago, and I remember that being pretty physical.”
Heat spread through me as every muscle in my body tensed up at once. Of course she would go there. Yeah, that event was physical. It was magical, mental, and psychological—every dimension of perception was covered, and how could I not remember? I was there, and I didn’t need another reminder on top of the countless others I received every single day.
The last vestiges of my self-control were languishing. It took all the energy in my body not to shoot her a death glare. I almost did it anyway, seeing as how she kept looking forward, falling silent once again as if I wasn’t even there. Here I was, trying to mend the bridge between us, and she was doing her best to make sure I couldn’t even start.
I took a deep breath. Yes, she was being antagonistic, but, as much as I hated to admit it, she had a point. What I did was messed up, and even if she was the victor at the end of our battle, that didn’t mean I didn’t hurt her before or while everything went down. This was just another consequence of my actions. If her attitude was ever going to change, I had to take my lumps as they came, as irksome as that was.
As we kept walking, she let out a chuckle, seemingly unprompted. Raising an eyebrow, I waited for her to explain what she was laughing at. Of course, she didn’t. She was still pretending I wasn’t there, leaving me to inquire about what was so amusing. It was probably more bait, but on the off-chance it wasn’t, I asked.
“What’s so funny?”
“Sorry,” she said, “but I’m not gonna lie: seeing you fly face first into that locker was kinda funny. You were all like–” she then proceeded to hold up her arms, making the stupidest face she could, “–like, I wish you could have seen it.”
When I didn’t respond, she turned her gaze toward me, a smirk spreading across her lips. “No offense.”
The good mood I entered with this morning was a smoldering pile of ash by that point, but her words snuffed out any remaining embers of it. I opened my mouth to respond, but quickly closed it soon after. It was evident she was trying her best to get a rise out of me, but I still had a modicum of patience left.
“Aw, come on! I’m just messing with you!” She nudged my arm with her elbow. “Can’t you take a joke?”
Until I didn’t.
Fine. If she wanted to play that game, I could, too. Fortunately, for me, getting under people’s skin was like riding a bike. And unfortunately for her, no matter how long I went without trying to do it, I could never forget how.
I began with a gentle laugh. “Sorry, I got distracted by something, but I know what you mean.”
Rainbow Dash seemed to relax, and when she did, I smirked.
“It’s just… you said that, and I couldn’t help but think of something even funnier.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“Like how there’s no way it was as funny as the face you made after you nearly broke your hand punching that locker.”
A scowl fell across her face.
“That wasn’t funny,” she replied, as if she wasn’t just heckling me in the exact same way.
My grin fell just as fast as hers. “What’s wrong? Can’t you take a joke?”
“Yeah, I can,” she replied, squinting at me. “You just suck at telling them.”
“Jeez, everyone’s a critic,” I rolled my eyes. “Tell me, what can I do to improve on it?”
She squinted. “Try telling an actual joke next time.”
“Oh, okay then,” I replied. “So then tell me: why is it okay for you to “joke” about me almost breaking my nose, but I can’t joke about something you did to yourself?”
Rainbow Dash stopped walking, pivoting her body to face me. The anger in her expression was almost palpable, and a sick part of me took pleasure in that. I knew I shouldn’t indulge myself any further, but after the past few months, it was hard to convince myself to reel it in.
“Because you know damn well I didn’t do that to myself,” she contested. “You getting shoved and me punching the locker were both because of things you did, not me.”
“Really? Did I make you punch that locker? Wow! Here I thought acting like an enraged chimp was just a natural thing you did. I didn’t know I had so much control over you.”
There was a sickening satisfaction building within me as I saw Dash’s face light up with fury. Part of me knew I should stop now, but the taste of vengeance was sweet; and it’d been so long since it graced my tongue, and I was going to get drunk off of it.
“How could you not?” she asked. “I figured you’d know all about controlling others after taking the entire student body hostage with your mind magic bullshit!”
And just like that, all the amusement I felt was quickly drained out of my body. I felt anger rapidly rising inside of me. It was hard to tell which one of us was more livid.
“I didn’t do that and you know that!” I shouted.
“Really? I know that, huh?” Dash sarcastically asked. “I mean, I’ve never seen you and the freaky demon bitch with the bat wings in the same room before, so how can I be sure?”
“You know what, you’re right,” I beamed sarcastically. “I guess I should have figured you wouldn’t know that. It’s not like you know much at all.”
Dash clenched her teeth and growled. “What’s your fucking problem?”
“What’s my problem?!” I repeated back even louder. “I’m not the one with the problem, you bitch! You keep whining about shit you don’t know anything about! It’s been months since that happened and I haven’t done anything to you or anyone else, yet you keep acting like it happened yesterday. Everyone else is moving on, so why can’t you?!”
Before she continued, Dash’s lips curled into a smirk as she lifted her hands up and gestured around broadly.
“Look around you, Shimmer. Does it really look like I’m the only one who hasn’t moved on? Are you sure about that?”
I opened my mouth to make a retort, but the words died in my throat as my eyes scanned the hall. Behind Dash, several dozen students were gathering around us. Months ago, I would have used this as an opportunity to turn the tables, but this wasn’t months ago. Things were different, and I had no options here. My throat began to dry up, my stomach lurched, and a sickening heat began to spread from my stomach outward.
“Newsflash, asshole: what you did isn’t something people can just ‘move on’ from because what you did was fucked. And you don’t get to decide when everyone moves on, either—we do. And why should we? Looks to me like you’re the same bitch you’ve always been.”
Dash stepped forward until we were chest to chest. “I have every reason to laugh at you when you eat shit. Considering everything you did to me, to Fluttershy, and to every student, teacher, and staff member in this whole school, that’s the least you deserve. But I don’t have any reason to believe you’re not the same Sunset you’ve always been.”
“That’s bullshit,” I argued meekly. I could think of plenty of things to retort with, but my throat threatened to close up entirely.
“Pfft, what a comeback.” She faced the crowd, laughing. In a split second, she turned back, scowling at me as she bumped her chest into mine, pushing me back a step.
“I’m not gonna feel bad for you because you keep getting shoved around—in fact, I don’t care. I don’t care if Twilight told us to take care of you, I don’t care if you fool my best friend into thinking you’ve changed, and I don’t care how many days you don’t do anything; because it’s just a matter of time. People like you don’t change. You’re the same as you’ve always been, and you always will be.”
My mind raced to come up with something to say or do, but it kept drawing a blank. There was nothing I could say to argue against her. There were no actions I could take in retaliation. If I ran, I’d look like a coward in front of her and all the other students looking on. I was cornered. There was no way for me to win, and she knew it.
I may have been standing firm against her, but in that instant, it was taking every bit of effort in my exhausted body not to vomit all over Rainbow Dash. My false confidence must have been obvious as she grinned at me, no doubt tasting blood in the water.
“Fight! Fight! Fight!” the students began to chant. It was then that I realized I had an out.
“Hear that? They want us to fight.” I smirked at her, narrowing my eyes. “Why don’t you go ahead and hit me? I know you want to. Do us both a favor and get it over with.”
The smirk on her face dropped, her bravado quickly replaced with even more anger. “Fuck you,” she bellowed.
“Come on! Do something! You were talking so big before, what happened?” I goaded.
The chants around us grew louder as she glowered at me.
“Oh, wait, I think I know!” I exclaimed. “You’re remembering what I said last time we were here, aren’t you?”
Dash clenched her fists. Chuckling, I motioned my head back toward the lockers behind us.
“Well, since it looks like you’re just going to puss out again, maybe you could try breaking your other hand this time? I’d love to see that stupid face you made again, I could use a good laugh.”
Rainbow Dash was shaking with rage. Before I could even register her movements, she shoved her hands into my chest, causing me to nearly fall backward. For the second time that morning, my head made an impact with a locker. This time was even more disorienting as the back of my head bounced against the steel. The collision disoriented me so much I could barely manage to stabilize myself without falling over.
By the time I regained my balance and composure, Rainbow Dash had already plowed her way through the mob of students. As they all realized there would be no fight, the crowd that had gathered around me began to disperse, some glaring at me with disgust as they departed.
As I processed everything that just happened, my stomach churned. All the progress I’d made yesterday unraveled before me. Rainbow Dash was needlessly combative, but I didn’t have to blow it all like that. There was no reason to try to provoke her into hitting me. I could have just walked away. I could have just not said anything.
It was no wonder she thought I was incapable of changing. Standing there, guilt flowing through me, I found it hard to argue with her. I really wasn’t any different. Months gone by, and I’d just proven I have less than nothing to show for it.
At the same time, I was trying. I handled this conflict the wrong way almost entirely, but at the start, I was actually doing my best to make peace with her—more than she deserved given how she’d been treating me. Still, when this all began, the last thing I wanted was for us to start fighting, but what could I do if that’s all she ever wanted? It was as much her fault as it was mine. She wasn’t willing to give me a chance.
After a minute, the hallway was back to normal. Students began walking through the halls as they had before our confrontation began. Whether it was because I was still processing everything or the bump to my head left me in a daze, I stood there in a stupor. So many emotions ran through me as I stood there idly, watching students pass me by as if I didn’t exist, just like Rainbow Dash tried to do before I foolishly thought I could talk to her.
At least, most of them acted like I didn’t exist. What finally snapped me out of my trance was being shoved again. This time, it seemed accidental, but it was still enough to make me stumble. The person who did it walked on by as if I wasn’t even there, and even as they slowly passed me by, I was too dazed to register what they looked like.
Not that it would have mattered. What was the point?
What was the point of anything I was doing? Why did I even try? Why was I still doing this to myself? Every day I worked myself to exhaustion just so I could struggle to sleep at night, and for what? To be shoved around by people I hardly even knew; even people I’m supposed to call my friends?
My mind began to race. Thoughts of leaving this all behind began to surface, as they usually did when things like this happened. This time, they were much louder than ever before. I should have gone through the portal with Twilight that night. I might finally have to face the consequences of everything I’d done, but whatever Celestia had waiting for me in Equestria couldn’t be any worse than anything I put up with here daily. An eternal sentence in Tartarus seemed preferable to this.
Regardless, I couldn’t stand being at school. I needed to go home. If I didn’t, I was liable to do something I’d regret to the next person who even looked at me funny. And whatever I did would assuredly get me expelled—assuming I hadn’t already dug my own grave with respect to that.
Shambling shamefully through the halls, I made my way toward the doors I had just entered not long ago. The morning light greeted me as I shoved them open as hard as I could. My head hung low as I made my way down the stairs. I didn’t make it far before someone with pink shoes stood before me. When I lifted it back up, I locked eyes with a concerned gaze.
“S-Sunset? Are you okay?” she asked.
My first instinct was to yell at her over what her stupid friend did, but I quickly stopped myself from acting on that impulse. As mad as I was, Fluttershy hadn’t done anything wrong—she’d just gotten to school. And so far, out of everyone at school, she was the only one who’d shown me any care, and she was the last person deserving of my fury.
I let out a deep sigh. “No, I’m not okay, Fluttershy. I’m going home.”
Fluttershy looked even more worried. “What? Why? What happened?”
“I fell. If you want to know more, ask Rainbow Dash. I’m sure she’s eager to tell you all about it.” I tried to hold back the venom in my words, but I couldn’t hold back the bite.
“Dashie? What did she do?!” Fluttershy snapped. Her reaction was surprisingly intense. It was almost as if she was angry on my behalf.
But once Rainbow Dash regaled her with the tale of her triumph, she certainly wouldn’t be. Even if she embellished things, there was no changing the facts: I could have walked away, but I chose to escalate things. Rather than admit that and watch the goodwill Fluttershy had been showing me disappear, I elected to make my way off the lot without an answer.
Except I didn’t get very far.
“Sunset Shimmer!” another voice called out from behind. I wanted to keep walking, but as it registered in my head whose voice that was, I stopped dead in my tracks. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did.
“Where do you think you’re going?” Vice Principal Luna was standing at the top of the steps leading to the school’s entrance.
I was desperately hoping I could escape before any faculty knew what happened, and out of everyone on staff, she was probably the worst to have found out. If I were still concerned about holding my life together, maybe I’d be anxious. Instead, I felt done with everything.
“I’m sick, and I’m going home,” I replied flatly.
Luna’s expression made it clear she was as unconvinced as she was disappointed.
“Why don’t we talk about how you’re feeling?” she asked. “In my office.”
“Sure! I’d love to!” I sarcastically exclaimed, throwing my hands back in anger and walking back up the steps. As I got closer to her, she turned and moved towards the door.
“Wait!” Fluttershy cried out. Both Luna and I turned to face her, looking equally confused. “S-Sunset didn’t do anything.”
Staring at her, I knit my brow. Why was she standing up for me? Especially considering she didn’t even know what happened.
Vice Principal Luna gave me an incredulous expression. All I could do in response was shrug. I wondered if she thought I put Fluttershy up to this, but I was just as confused as she was.
“It is unclear to me what happened, Fluttershy, but I intend to get to the bottom of it,” she responded. “That said, attempting to skip school is against school rules. So regardless, Miss Shimmer has done something.”
Despite the doubt clear in Luna’s expression, Fluttershy remained resolute. “I understand, Vice Principal Luna. Just… please go easy on her. Sunset’s my friend. I know she’s been in a lot of trouble before, but she’s just having a hard time, and I know it’s not her fault.”
Luna hesitated briefly, narrowing her eyes as she shot me yet another perplexed look. Once again, I could only shrug. It felt as though Fluttershy sticking up for me was having the opposite effect of proving my innocence in Luna’s eyes; she only seemed more suspicious.
“Your concern is noted, Fluttershy,” she assured. “However, I advise you make haste to your first class, lest you be marked tardy.”
Fluttershy nodded, hopping up the steps before quickly darting inside the building. Luna and I followed soon after as we walked directly to her office. As we did so, I saw the other students gawking at us; soft murmurs and snickering from all over. It made me sick. I could only stand to look at the floor.
Occasionally, I’d look up at her. The closer we got to her office, the more her suspicion from before seemed to wane. Eventually, I elected to look away with a scowl to avoid catching her glances. I could only hope she was planning to make it all the easier to leave Canterlot High School behind for good..
Luna’s office was dark, as it always was. She sat behind her desk leaning forward, her fingers interlocked in front of her face. I was going to refuse to speak, but we’d been here for several minutes, and she hadn’t said a word either. She just kept staring, her eyes drilling into me.
The anticipation was beginning to drive me mad. At any moment, I was expecting her to hand me my final punishment. All she had to do was tell me I was expelled and, without hesitation, I would leave and find a place to hide until I could take the next portal out of this world, no matter how many moons there were left before then.
It felt like she was toying with me. Like part of my punishment was the agonizing wait for the other shoe to drop. Like she knew I just wanted to leave, and her final act of discipline was holding it over my head for as long as it took for me to break.
Before long, I grew bored of this stupid game. If she wanted me to break, I’d break, but I was going to make sure it wasn’t satisfying.
“What?” I asked. “Are you waiting for me to grovel and beg for forgiveness again? Because that’s not going to happen.”
“I’m merely waiting for you to speak to me.”
Squinting, my eyes briefly darted to the side before meeting hers again. “Why? What does it matter? Can we just get this over with?”
“Get what over with?”
“I don’t know!” I snapped “Just tell me what kind of trouble I’m in!”
“I am not trying to test your patience, Sunset,” she said. “I do not wish to have this conversation with you while you’re upset, and I feel it would be more productive for you to have an ear first and a word later.”
Her tone was sincere, a far cry from what I had expected to hear when she caught me trying to skip school. Nevertheless, I wasn’t comforted by it.
“I don’t know what kind of psychology bullshit you’re trying to pull, but I don’t think hanging the question of expulsion over my head is going to make me any calmer. Just tell me I’ve exhausted all my chances, and I’ll get out of your hair.”
The vice principal frowned. “Sunset, I did not bring you here to expel you.”
“Then what?” I snapped. “What am I here for? Why can’t I just go home?”
“Because I need to know exactly what happened. I may have a general idea of what transpired this morning, but I am unclear on the details, and I would appreciate it if you might help me understand.”
My eyebrow raised. “What are you talking about? I was just involved in a physical altercation! There were at least thirty to forty other kids you could ask.”
“Perhaps, but who better to inform me on what happened than one of the parties involved?”
“Yeah, the one you don’t trust.”
“I did not say nor did I imply that.”
“Like you even have to.”
“We can spend all morning going back and forth, Sunset, but the sooner we talk about this, the sooner we can be done here.”
“What is there to discuss?!” I exclaimed. “I started the fight—everyone knows by now! And even if I didn’t, I just tried to skip school. What more do I have to do to prove I don’t belong here?”
“I do not believe you started the altercation.”
“Why? Because Fluttershy told you I didn’t do anything? I don’t even know why she went up to bat for me, but I didn’t put her up to that, and she’s wrong anyway. She hadn’t even walked into the building yet.”
“I’m well aware of that, Miss Shimmer.” Luna sat back in her chair. “Tell me, if you do not mind me asking, where did that mark on your face come from?”
“I–” I knew exactly why, but I didn’t want to answer honestly, “I tripped on the way in,” I lied.
Luna raised an eyebrow. “I am merely trying to help you, Sunset, and you are not doing anyone any favors—least of all yourself—with untruths.”
“Okay, fine! You wanna know what happened? Some assholes ran into me this morning and pushed me into a locker. I face-planted into it. Everyone thought it was fucking hilarious. Happens every other day. Happy now?”
“Did you happen to catch who it was?” she asked.
“And why would I do that?”
“Why not?” Luna inquired.
“Because there’s no point! What, do you think any of the teachers in this school would have done anything if I managed to find them? Not one of them would give a shit or believe me if I reported them—they’d probably think it was funny, too! And even then, I didn’t want to deal with it since I’m already dealing with so much other shit.!”
Despite my expletives and shouting, Luna seemed entirely unfazed.
“What is it you are dealing with?” she asked.
“What am I dealing with?” I repeated, punctuated with a mirthless chuckle. If this was going to be my last day here, I might as well let loose.
“I’ll tell you what I’m dealing with: I come here and every day—every single day I’m reminded what a horrible bitch I am! I have to run between my classes, and if I don’t–” I pointed to my cheek, “–this is what happens, and everyone laughs! Even my friends! They barely even like me! They’re just keeping me around because that stupid bitch princess friend of theirs told them they have to. I’m an obligation!”
I stood up out of my seat, beginning to angrily pace back and forth. “If that wasn’t bad enough, I’m having to work day in and day out at a shitty job that I hate with a boss who couldn’t give a shit if I starved to death! I barely even have time to think most days because If I’m not here, I’m working, and if I’m not working, I’m sleeping—assuming I can sleep! Then, I wake up and start it all over again! Every. Single. Day."
Tears were streaming down my face by this point, and when I realized this, I just started laughing as I continued.
“My life fucking sucks—it sucks so much. I don’t even know why I’m here anymore! I don’t even want to be here anymore! I’m just waiting for you to tell me to fuck off so I can leave and someday go back to Equestria and spend the rest of my life dealing with whatever punishment Princess Celestia has in store for me. She’ll probably banish me to Tartarus for the rest of eternity or something, but that sounds like paradise compared to dealing with this awful place day in and day out! Fuck!”
Collapsing back into my seat, I started panting. My eyes were blurry from crying. I looked down, bringing my jacket sleeve up to my face and wiping the tears away. When I turned my head back to Luna, I expected her to be upset, shocked, angry—anything. Instead, she was frowning, looking even more concerned than she did earlier.
It was then that guilt began to catch up with me. As Rainbow Dash had reminded me earlier, these were consequences of my actions.
“And look, before you say it, I know—I know this is all my fault. I get it. This is all happening because of what I did, and I have no right to complain. This is what I deserve.”
I let out another deep exhale. “It’s just… When is it supposed to get easier? I get it—I really do. What I did was fucked up, and I know that, but how am I supposed to be better if no one will give me a chance? What the fuck am I even bothering for?”
Silence fell over the room as I concluded my tirade.
Luna leaned forward in her seat. “What you’ve done previously is certainly worthy of discipline, not cruelty. What you are describing is not what you deserve, nor is it what I or my sister had in mind when we decided your punishment.”
“Really?” An empty laugh escaped my lips. “Cruelty wasn’t the point? You didn’t think this is how it would go? Making me work near full-time while going to school with a bunch of hormonal apes who hate my guts?”
Luna blinked, almost as if she was wincing.
“Between the two of us, if it is any consolation, I have always believed making you pay restitution was excessive and unnecessary.”
I scoffed. “You keep saying shit like that, but how am I supposed to believe that? If you really believe it’s too much, then why am I still doing it?”
Luna looked off to the side, exhaling deeply.
“Unfortunately, in matters such as these, my sister is the one with the final say. I have always been of the mind that punitive justice is an ineffective deterrent for bad behavior. This is no exception. It is yet another thing Celestia and I do not see eye to eye on.”
As her gaze met mine, it was the first moment I felt any comfort from her throughout this conversation.
“Regardless, I did not realize things had been so… difficult, and I would like to discuss this matter in more detail after I’ve had a chance to talk to Principal Celestia.” Luna paused for a moment before continuing. “For now, would you please give me your account of what happened in the hallway?”
Without sparing any details, I told her everything that happened between me and Rainbow Dash. Even if Luna had made it clear she didn’t want to punish me, I didn’t bother to sugarcoat the things I said to Dash. Part of me hoped that admitting to escalating the conflict would be enough to get me expelled anyway, but judging by her lack of reaction to the worst things I said, it wasn’t enough for her to do that.
And when I finally got to the end of it, all I received at first was, “I see…”
Luna sat silently for a moment, contemplating a response for an agonizingly long time. “While I certainly do not condone your provocation of Miss Dash, if your story is to be believed, you were not the aggressor in this conflict. Therefore, I see no reason to hand you any discipline.”
A normal person would have been relieved. I, however, felt disappointed.
“I will be calling Rainbow Dash into my office this afternoon for a discussion about this. What she said was uncalled for, and her reaction even more so.”
“What? You’re not even going to ask for her side of the story?”
“Of course I shall,” she answered, “but I have been doing this for quite some time. Given all the circumstances, and how forthcoming you’ve been about your role in all of this, I believe it is safe to assume you are telling the truth.
For a moment, I felt vindicated. Dash was finally going to face some kind of consequence for treating me like shit. That should have made me happy. It was what I’d been waiting on for months. The feeling didn’t last, though.
Sure, she was certainly the one who provoked me first, but was it fair for her to face consequences for it? After all, all she did was laugh about the fact that I had been shoved. Would she have reacted any differently if it were any of her friends? Okay, probably. Almost definitely, even. But still.
At the end of it all, she did have a point. After everything I had done, and especially with how I escalated things, it just didn’t feel right for her to be in any trouble for that. It wasn’t right of her to prod or shove me the way she did, but neither of us handled the situation any better than the other.
“Look, Vice Principal Luna, I… I don’t want her to get in any trouble for this. I was most of the reason it happened. She didn’t have to react that way, but I knew she was trying to piss me off. I could have just walked away.”
Every word of that hurt to say, but as I saw the faintest smile curl on Luna’s lips, it dulled the sting ever so slightly.
“All things considered, your conviction is admirable, Sunset.” Luna briefly exhaled. “Unfortunately, physical altercations of any kind must be addressed regardless of how either party feels—that is school policy. However, I can assure you: any punishment she may face will not be severe. You need not worry about her. Now, is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
“Well,” I began, “how much trouble am I in? You know, for trying to skip?”
Luna’s eyes briefly wandered around the room. “It is clear you were not trying to skip just for the sake of it, so I will let it slide this time.” Her expression hardened. “However, I do ask that you please refrain from doing so in the future. If something like this comes to pass again, I implore you to come see me instead of attempting to leave school grounds. I understand why you are apprehensive to report incidents such as these to most of the school’s faculty, but I am not them.
“I certainly do not wish to draw parallels where there are none, but you remind me of myself when I was your age. Had it not been for someone believing in me, I would have gone down a different, much more arduous road, and if you will allow me, I would like to help you steer clear of it as well. You have done well these past few months, I would hate to see you squander your progress.”
Her lips curled into a slight grin. “Oh, and, in the future, do watch your colorful language.”
“Right, sorry about that,” I apologized, flashing a sheepish smile. “Thanks, Vice Principal Luna.” Raising my arm, I brought my hand up to scratch the back of my head.
My smile faded the moment my hand touched the back of my head as I felt something very out of place. A small part of my hair felt caked in something. As I brought my hand up to my face, I grimaced as I realized what it was. Even under the dim lighting in Luna’s office, I could tell there was dried blood on my fingers.
“You look troubled,” Luna inquired.
“Oh, it’s nothing big, but… I think my head might have started bleeding when it hit the locker.”
Luna’s eyes went wide. “Do you feel tired or dizzy? Is your vision okay?”
Luna rose out of her seat, walking around the desk toward me.
I shook my head. “I don’t remember the last time I didn’t feel tired, but I’m not dizzy and I can see just fine.”
Standing behind me, I could feel her hands push my hair out of the way, her fingers brushing up and down the back of my head in search of the wound. Tingles shot down my spine as I felt her fingers touch the site of impact.
“Thankfully it seems to be superficial, but as I am not a professional, I do not think we should go by my judgment alone. Let’s get you to the nurse and have that looked at, just in case.” Luna helped me up to my feet. “If she says you’re clear, then you’re free to leave for the day, if you wish.”
“Really?” I tried to hide just how excited that made me. Even if this conversation had made me feel better, I wasn’t exactly itching to get back to class.
Luna nodded, leading the way to the school nurse. “As mentioned before, Principal Celestia and I will also discuss the terms of your punishment. I won’t make any promises, but I believe you’ve been through enough today, and in general. I will do what I can to make her see things my way.”
“I… Thanks,” I stammered.
For a moment, I thought this was going to turn into yet another nightmare. Any second now, the demon was going to burst out of the vice principal’s skin and set the entire school on fire, or the building was going to start collapsing around me. But we just kept walking. The hope I entered with had gone cold quite some time ago, but as we made our way to the nurse’s office, I felt a spark inside of me once more.
Dealing with my friends after everything that happened this morning was going to suck, but the prospect of a lighter punishment made that seem insignificant by comparison. Maybe, maybe, I was finally catching a break.
As Vice Principal Luna predicted, the wound on the back of my head was only skin deep. Since I wasn’t displaying any symptoms of any kind of internal head injury, and since the abrasion was so minuscule, the nurse said I was clear. With that, I was ready to go home and not think about school for the rest of the day.
Right before I made it to the entrance, a voice calling my name stopped me.
“Sunset! Wait up!”
Quickly turning around, I saw Fluttershy running toward me. It reminded me of the day before, only this time, she actually started slowing down well before she got close, and I felt a twist in my gut, knowing she was probably aware of everything I’d done now.
“Uhh… shouldn’t you be in class? I asked, raising an eyebrow.
She shook her head. “It’s a free period right now. Vice Principal Luna came and told me you weren't in any trouble, but that you were leaving for the day, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“Thanks, I guess?” I awkwardly chuckled. “I’m alright though, you can go back to doing what you were doing if you want.”
I was a little lost as to why Luna would tell her that, or why Fluttershy was still concerned. I figured Rainbow Dash would have told her everything by now, and Fluttershy wouldn’t care if I walked out and got hit by a bus after that.
“Oh, also, umm–” Fluttershy’s eyes darted around for a few moments, “–Dashie told me her side of the story, but I was hoping you could tell me what happened.”
Looking to the side briefly, I furrowed my brow. “Why not just take her word for it?”
An uncertain smile spread across her face.
“I trust Dash,” she answered, “but you’re my friend too, and it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t hear you out too.” Her lips pursed. “That, and, well, I know her well enough to know when she’s not telling me everything.”
My expression softened even though I was more confused. Why did she put so much faith in me? Granted, I knew Dash would embellish her side of the story to make her look even better, but I suppose I would have expected Fluttershy to take that at face value, especially since it was about me.
I had to hold back a giggle. I remembered thinking there was something wrong with her yesterday, and this just felt like it was confirming that.
With a deep exhale, I retold the story of our confrontation, the same as I’d done with Vice Principal Luna. Only this time, while I tried to be as honest as could be, I also did my best to make it sound like I wasn’t upset at Rainbow Dash, and that I was just as wrong, if not moreso, than she was.
Was all of that true? Absolutely not. Even if I was in the wrong, Rainbow Dash could get bent for all I cared, but if Fluttershy was asking me about this, then it meant my plan wasn’t completely hopeless. We could still be friends, but I had to sell how sorry I was just in case.
A pit of anxiety formed in my stomach as I could see Fluttershy’s expression intensify toward the end. For a moment, I thought she was finally realizing I wasn’t to be trusted and if she was, I couldn’t blame her, but the sinking feeling it gave me reminded me of the nausea I felt when Dash and I were face to face.
“I see,” she said, her tone rather terse.
“Yeah,” I responded awkwardly. “I kinda deserved it, I know.”
“Oh, no no no, it’s not that, it’s just… she didn’t tell me she said any of that. Or even that she shoved you at the end. She told me she walked away after you told her to hit her. I can’t believe she’d lie to me like that.”
“Oh.” That was all I could think to respond with at first. After a few seconds, I continued. “Yeah, she got me pretty good.”
An empty laugh escaped from me as I reached my hand up, gently running my fingers along the minor wound. “I had to go to the nurse before I left because I didn’t realize she busted my head open.”
Fluttershy gasped. “She what?!” she shouted. That was the single loudest sound I’d ever heard come from her in my life.
“Hey, relax. It wasn’t that bad. The nurse said I’m fine. Just a scratch, that’s all.”
Even after trying to placate her, Fluttershy wrapped me in a tight hug. “Goodness, I’m so sorry Sunset. I’m so glad you’re okay, though.”
She squeezed a little tighter. Her sudden affection caused me to shift around in her arms for a few moments. How was someone who looked like her capable of a bear hug like that?
As she pulled away, I looked at her with a mix of surprise and confusion. Upon meeting my gaze, she smiled sheepishly at me.
“Umm, s-sorry about that.”
I held back a groan. “You have got to stop apologizing.” Reaching my arms behind me, I stretched my back out. “Besides, I think you popped my spine, and it felt really good. Thanks for that.” I chuckled. She hid her face in her hair bashfully.
As she fixed her hair, she spoke up again. “I’ll try and talk to Rainbow Dash about this at lunch today. I-If I can. I’m sorry this all happened. I can't believe she would do this.”
I couldn’t help but wince. Not just out of irritation at yet another apology, but at the idea of having to talk about this with the rest of the girls.
“You really don’t have to do that,” I suggested. “It’s really no big deal, and I’d rather put this all behind us. Besides, I provoked her.”
“It is a big deal,” she contested. “You might have made her mad, but she didn’t have to push you. Not only that, she lied about it to my face!”
The anger in her voice made me cock my head back. I wasn’t even aware someone like her was capable of carrying such a tone.
“I appreciate it, I guess?” I offered. “Just… make sure she knows I’d like to put it all behind us. The less I have to think about all this, the better.”
A sympathetic smile emerged on her face. A few more seconds of silence passed by before I finally piped up again.
“Well, I’m gonna head out then. I’ll see you later.” Turning toward the door, I only made it a couple of steps before she stopped me again.
“Umm, before you go, a-and I understand if you don’t–”
“Band practice, right?”
She nodded.
“It’d probably be better if I didn’t show, but don’t worry about me. You all have fun, and we can talk about all this tomorrow if you want. Or not.” I shrugged as I looked over to the side. “I could really go for not talking about it.”
Fluttershy let out a strained laugh. “We should definitely talk about it. What Dash did wasn’t right, and she owes you an apology.”
I sighed. “Right, and I guess owe her one too.”
She smiled sweetly at me, and I gave her my best smile back. Then we stood in silence again.
As awkward as it felt, I found my eyes locked onto hers. For a brief few moments, I couldn’t bring myself to pull them away. Something about sharing that gaze made me feel warm. Was this the “magic” part of friendship Twilight was talking about? Maybe the head injury I suffered was worse than the nurse had told me.
Before I had long to ponder it, she looked away. “Well, I should get a head start getting to my next class.” She turned away, taking a few steps before stopping and turning to face me again. “And, umm, if you want to do anything tonight, let me know. I’m planning on going to band practice, but if you want to do something, w-we could do that instead.”
“I’m probably just going to go home and catch up on sleep, but if I change my mind, I’ll let you know.”
She nodded, and right as she was about to depart, I opened my mouth to say goodbye. Only, an unexpected sentence made its way out of my mouth instead.
“You know, I don’t get you.”
She stared at me blankly, tilting her head as if she didn’t understand. “I’m sorry?”
Putting my hands up defensively, I grinned in embarrassment. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. It’s just… Why are you being so nice to me? After, you know,” I held my hands out, gesturing aimlessly, “everything we’ve been through?”
“Well, you’re my friend,” she stated. “I just try to be as good to you as I am to any of my friends.” Fluttershy was trying to hide her face in her hair again, but I could see her cheeks were a tad flushed.
“Yeah, but–”
Before I could say anything else, the class bell rang. Moments later, students began flooding the hallway.
“Oh goodness, I better get going. My class is on the other side of the building.” Fluttershy quickly waved, hurrying down the hall before I had a chance to say anything else.
As she disappeared into the steady stream of students, I took that as my cue to make my departure. I made my way down the front steps of the school building, pulling out my phone to check the time. It was still relatively early in the morning. For the first time since winter break, I had a weekday entirely to myself.
Walking down the sidewalk, I quickly realized there wasn’t a lot I could think of that I wanted to do. Hours of free time had fallen directly into my lap, yet I didn’t know what to do with it. All things considered, it was one of the best dilemmas I’d had in recent memory.
With that in mind, I elected to do exactly what I told Fluttershy I was going to do: catch up on sleep. I had to have at least several hundred hours of sleep debt to catch up on at this point. And hopefully, by the end of the day, I would have knocked an hour or two off of that.
So, this morning was total proof that Sunset was still up to her old tricks.
Sure, as far as anyone knew, Sunset hadn’t done anything wrong in a while, but that didn’t mean anything. It just meant she was playing the long game. Once everyone bought into her bullshit, that’s when she was gonna strike. She might be fooling everyone else—maybe even herself—but she wasn’t gonna fool me.
Still, it all made me so mad. I’d been giving her the cold shoulder for weeks, but with how she kept trying, I thought maybe she really was coming around. But that was dumb. She held out for a long time, but I held out longer. No matter how stupid she thinks I am, she’s even stupider.
…That didn't mean I didn't feel stupid, though. My gut had been telling me we shouldn’t trust her from day one, but I was this close to thinking it was wrong. But now she’d slipped up, and I knew better than to doubt my gut ever again. Once a lying she-demon, always a lying she-demon.
Walking into the lunch room, this morning played out in my head again. I mean, I’d been playing it over in my head all day—how could I not? I looked awesome, and it wasn’t just me who thought so. Between and in each class, I’d hear other kids talking about what happened, and they were always talking about how cool it was to watch me put that bitch in her place.
Still, even with how awesome I looked, I couldn’t help but get mad every time I thought about it. My fists would clench every time I thought about her stupid face, and I’d grit my teeth together when I remembered what she said. She really tried to bait me into hitting her, and I knew exactly why.
“Why don’t you go ahead and hit me? I know you want to. Do us both a favor and get it over with.”
She was lucky. If I could get away with it, I probably would have punched her so hard, that rainbow laser we shot her with would feel like a poke by comparison. But, just like last time, I knew better.
But even if I knew she wasn’t worth it, it just wasn’t fair. She could get up in my face like that, but if I hit her? I’d be the one in real trouble. I mean, she’d probably get expelled, but I doubt she gave a shit. No matter where she was, she always looked so angry and shitty, like she never wanted to be anywhere. Too bad she couldn’t just run away to her magic pony dimension already.
She definitely would if she could, if she got kicked out of school. Even if she said going back would be really bad news for her, what could a bunch of magical ponies do to her? Sentence her to a lifetime of being snuggled by hug-demons in the deepest depths of The Cuddle Dungeon? Give me a break.
Me, though? I’d be suspended, I’d be kicked off of all the teams I was on, and I’d be banned from rejoining any of them until next year at the earliest. It would kill my future. Sunset knew that, and that was why she tried so hard to get me to fight her. I wasn’t stupid.
Pushing her hadn't landed me in any real trouble thankfully, but I shouldn’t have been in any at all, because I didn’t do anything. Vice Principal Luna pulled me out of one of my classes to talk about what happened, and all I got was a day's worth of detention. That was just a slap on the wrist, but it still pissed me off. That meant band practice would have to be postponed, but I guess if it meant I got to put Sunset in her place, it was worth it.
I pushed the cafeteria doors open. Aside from this morning, the rest of the day had been pretty boring. I could barely pay attention in class on a good day, but it was really hard after everything. Normally, I'd just sleep through each period until lunch, but I kept getting mad about what happened with Sunset, and that ate into my napping, and that made time drag by super slowly.
At least lunchtime had finally arrived, and that meant I could hang out with my friends, which was sure to make me feel better. By now, Fluttershy had probably told all our friends about what happened, and while I’m sure she told them exactly what I told her, I couldn’t wait to tell the story my way.
“Hey everyone,” I said, taking my usual spot at the table.
“Rainbow Dash,” Rarity greeted before she started eating her lunch again.
She seemed tense—like she was mad about something. But that was pretty normal for her, so I just shrugged it off.
“Hiya Dash!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed with a wide grin. She seemed normal at first, but then, after she looked off to the side, she stopped smiling and went back to eating her lunch.
Both of them were acting kinda weird. Well, Pinkie was always acting weird, but this was different than normal Pinkie-weird. And usually, when Rarity was mad about something, we couldn’t get her to stop talking about it. I couldn’t get a read on either of them.
“What’s up with you two today?”
Both of them looked in different directions. While I waited for an answer, I noticed Fluttershy’s seat was empty. That was weird, too. Fluttershy was usually one of the first ones at our table. I might have thought she was just running late, but, since the whole vibe at the table felt off, I couldn’t be sure.
“Fluttershy was here a few minutes ago,” Rarity answered. “She seemed… rather upset about something.”
Immediately my mind jumped to Sunset, wondering if she had done something to her.
“Is she okay? Did something happen?” I asked.
Rarity gave a tight-lipped smile, her eyes drifting off to the side. Instead of words, she answered by smacking her lips and sucking in air through her teeth.
Pinkie picked up where Rarity left off. “She didn’t want to say at first, but she just told us about what happened between you and Sunset, and she’s reeeeeally not happy about it.”
“Huh.” I scratched my head. “That’s weird. She seemed fine when I told her this morning.”
“Eheh, right, that's weird,” Pinkie replied, going back to eating a birthday cake out of her lunch box with her hands.
I shrugged. “Eh, she’s probably upset because I was right about Sunset. I just hope she’s not taking it too hard.”
“Yes, mmm, that’s a… possibility, perhaps,” said Rarity.
She definitely knew more than she wanted me to think, and she was doing a really bad job of hiding it. Her reaction didn’t make sense, though. Did she not believe me? Why else would Fluttershy be upset about this morning?
“So… if she was here earlier, where is she now?” I asked.
“Applejack asked her if she wanted to talk about it alone, so they’ve been off doing that since.” Pinkie gave a strained smile, trying her best to be comforting. "They'll be back soon! I think."
That's when I looked to where Applejack usually sat. Her stuff was there, but she wasn’t.
Why would Fluttershy suddenly be upset about what happened this morning? Sure, she seemed a little down when I told her about it, but not upset. So what could have changed?
When I looked back at Pinkie and Rarity, they were both looking above me. Before I could ask them what they were looking at, I felt a hand on my shoulder. When I turned around, Applejack was standing right behind me, her eyes meeting mine with a deadpan stare.
“Hey, AJ,” I greeted.
No response.
“Uhh, how’s it going?” I asked.
No response.
“Where’s Fluttershy? Is she okay?” I asked.
She just kept staring, her eyes drilling into me.
“Are you just gonna keep staring at me or–”
“Hope you ain’t comfy yet.” Her hand squeezed my shoulder as she took a couple of steps away. “Come on, walk and talk with me.”
A knot formed in my stomach. I hated when she said that. It usually meant I screwed something up, but what? I hadn’t even seen any of the girls since last week.
“Wait, what? Why? What did I do? Can you at least tell me where Fluttershy is?”
“Come walk and talk with me and you’ll find out,” Applejack insisted.
I groaned. “Come on AJ, this is stupid.”
Applejack just gave me that stare—the one that told me she wasn’t messing around, but that only made me more confused. I looked at Pinkie and Rarity. Both of them looked away from me awkwardly like they didn’t know what was going on either.
Applejack furrowed her brow, her glare intensifying. “Would you just get up so we can get this over with, or am I gonna have to drag your ass outta here?”
“What's your problem?”
“Why don'tcha come with me and I’ll tell you.”
Once again, I looked to Pinkie and Rarity for help, but neither of them spoke up. They’d said they didn’t know what was going on, but I had a feeling they knew more than they were willing to let on. Whatever the case, they weren’t gonna be any help, and I wasn’t gonna get any answers by just sitting there.
“Fine, whatever.” Letting out a low growl, I picked up my lunch and followed AJ out of the cafeteria.
The whole time we walked, she gave me the cold shoulder, and it drove me crazy. Even when both of us went to our lockers to fetch our hoodies, she refused to say anything. How much walking did we have to do before we finally got to the talking?
Unfortunately, no matter how many times I asked, Applejack was adamant about waiting until we were out of the building to say anything. Even when I tried to make small talk, she’d just hold up her hand and tell me to save it.
I hadn’t seen her or any of the other girls in three days, and this is how they greeted me? How she greeted me? It’d be one thing if she looked mad, but she didn’t. She’d just look at me like a disappointed parent—like I was in trouble and I should know why. It was degrading and annoying, and all that did was make me angrier.
“Alright, there, we’re outside,” I said. “Now can you please tell me why we’re out here wasting our lunch period? I'm still kinda sick, I’ve been having a shit day since this morning, and I don't wanna deal with anything right now.”
Finally, Applejack turned around, leaning her back against the base of the school statue.
“Since this mornin’, huh?” she repeated. “Why don’t you fill me in what happened this mornin’?”
What kind of stupid question was that? She had to know. If Fluttershy hadn’t told her, she had to have heard about it from someone else.
“Can you not talk to me like I'm five years old?”
“How ‘bout you stop actin’ like you are?”
“What are you talking about? The thing with Sunset? Is that what this walk and talk is about?”
“At least part of it,” she answered. “You done fucked up real bad this time, Dash. Fluttershy’s mad as hell about what you did.”
“I fucked up?! What I did?! Why would she be mad at me? I didn’t do anything to her! She was starting shit with me!”
Applejack sighed, shaking her head. “That ain’t what Fluttershy told me.”
“What do you mean that’s not what she told you? I literally told her that’s what happened this morning!”
Applejack nodded. “Yep, you sure did, but you ain’t the only one.”
My eyes narrowed.
“Sunset…” I hissed.
AJ nodded again, glaring at me again.
“So what? Are you trying to tell me she believes her word over mine?” I exclaimed, my finger pointed right up to her chest. “Do you believe her over me?”
Pinching the bridge of her nose, AJ let out a frustrated sigh as she pushed my hand away.
“Why’d you go and lie to Fluttershy?”
“I didn’t lie!” I exclaimed.
“Really? So y’all just got into a shoutin’ match in the middle of the hallway ‘cause she was antagonizin’ you, and you walked off before anythin’ happened, right? That’s what you told Fluttershy, ain’t it?”
“Basically, yeah,” I replied, hiding my nerves. So what if there were some details I didn’t mention? She didn’t need to know everything that happened, and even if she did, it wouldn’t change the fact that none of it was my fault.
“Uh huh, and Sunset just happened to bust her head open on her own? You had nothin’ to do with it? You didn’t push her or nothin’ before you walked off ‘cause you was mad?” AJ kept staring at me with that knowing look.
“Ugh, okay! Fine! She got up in my face, so I pushed her away. There, happy?”
AJ groaned. “Come on, ya can’t be doin’ shit like this!”
“Like what?!” I yelled.
“Gee, I dunno, startin’ shit with Sunset all the damn time for no reason, nearly gettin’ in fights with her in the hallway, and lyin’ to your best friend?”
“It wasn’t my fault! She tried to make me hit her! It was the same shit she pulled last year! You should have seen the look on her face. I’m telling you, she’s still bad news!”
“That don’t matter, Dash! You might as well have hit her! Did you not hear me when I said she busted her damn head open? Vice Principal Luna’s already talked to Sunset, so if she ain’t said nothin’ to you yet, she’s gonna be lookin’ to chat with you. You could be in deep shit!”
“She already has,” I said. “All she did was give me detention. Besides, she told me Sunset was fine, so what’s the big deal?”
Dragging her hand down her face, Applejack groaned. “Okay, fine, if it ain’t no big deal, then why did you lie to Fluttershy about what actually happened?”
“I. Didn’t. Lie!”
Instead of responding, she just stared. My teeth grit together as she gave me that disappointed-parent look again. Applejack was one of my best friends, and that meant she knew a lot about me. Unfortunately, that meant she knew just the right way to twist my arm to make me admit something.
When she wouldn’t budge, I sighed in defeat. “I just… left a few parts out.”
Applejack rolled her eyes. “That’s still lyin’, Rainbow Dash! Either way, it don’t matter what you call it, arguin’ with me ain’t gonna fix nothin’. She went and found out all the stuff you didn’t tell her from Sunset, and now she’s mad at you.”
“I…” My stomach twisted up like a pretzel before I could come up with a response. Applejack was right. If Fluttershy was mad, then it didn’t matter how I saw it—I messed up.
But that didn’t make any sense! Why would she be mad at me? So what if I didn’t mention a few things? That didn’t change the fact that Sunset tried to make me fight her. That didn’t change the fact that she was still a scheming, conniving bitch. All I’d done was make her blow her cover; they should have been thanking me for that.
And why was Fluttershy so willing to take her side anyway? After everything Sunset did to her? After everything I’d done for her? Fluttershy was my best friend, and I’d tried to prove that at every opportunity. She meant the world to me, and I’d do anything for her. What were a few little… what was the word? Right. What were a few little omissions, anyway? It’d be worth it in the end.
It was only a few months ago when Sunset was bullying her all the time. Now she was trying to weasel her way into our group just so she could do what she did before the Fall Formal. Once she divided all of us, she'd make Fluttershy's life a living hell again. It was completely obvious. I was just trying to protect her and the rest of my friends from Sunset. So why was I the bad guy? It just didn’t add up.
Applejack’s hand landed on my shoulder, snapping me out of my runaway train of thought.
“Look, I get it better than anyone else. I know how you feel about her, and I know you wanna protect her, but pickin’ fights and lyin’ about it ain’t protectin’ her.”
Her words hardly registered with me as anger and confusion continued to bubble up inside of me.
“I just don’t get it!” I shouted. “Why does she even care about Sunset?!”
AJ’s hand lifted from my shoulder. “It don’t matter why she does, Dash. All that matters is that she does, and you gotta learn to respect that.”
I knew Applejack was trying to reason with me, but it felt like she wasn’t listening to my reasoning at all.
“Why?! If I do that, it’s only a matter of time before she tries to split us all apart again! How can she not see that? How can you not see that?!”
“That ain’t gonna happen, Dash.”
“How can you be so sure? Aren’t you listening to me? She tried to get me to fight her this morning! She’s still trying to screw me over! What more proof do you need?”
A frustrated sigh passed through her nose. Applejack looked up for a second before facing me again.
“I want you to think about this. That girl’s come to school every day lookin’ as flat as a flitter ever since we put her twenty feet deep in the dirt, and everyone’s been pickin’ at her like a banjo ever since.”
Admittedly, hearing that was sickly satisfying. I had to try not to smirk. “Yeah? It’s what she deserves. What’s your point?”
Applejack shot me a half-lidded glare. “Dash, pull your head outta your ass for just a sec and really think about this. She ain’t done nothin' in a while, right?”
Cocking my head to the side for a second, I nodded. “I guess.”
“And why do you think that might be?”
“Because she’s trying to make us let our guard down?”
“Or—and stick with me here—it’s ‘cause, for the first time in her life, she’s got somethin’ to lose. We’re all she’s got right now. We’re the only ones who ain’t treatin’ her like shit—excludin' you. What do you think she’s gonna do if she loses the only thing she’s got goin’ for her ‘cause we kept pushin’ her away?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle as my answer popped into my head.
“Fuck off, hopefully.”
“Hopefully,” Applejack sternly emphasized. “But more than likely, she’s gonna start actin’ up the same way she did before.”
“Exactly,” I said. “People like her don’t change.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” Applejack muttered under her breath.
“Look, we got more to talk about, and I ain’t got all day to go back and forth with you on this. How you feel doesn’t change the fact that Fluttershy’s been tryin’ harder than any of us to make Sunset feel welcome, and you’re workin’ against her.”
“That’s because she’s making a mistake!"
"If she feels like this is the right thing to do, then it’s her mistake to make,” she snapped back. “You know you ain’t gonna stop her, so the best thing you can do for her is be there for her in case everything goes south.”
I opened my mouth to respond, but couldn’t think of a single word to say. Judging by Applejack’s grin, she could tell she had me cornered.
“Look, sugarcube,” she began, placing her hand on my shoulder again, “ain't none of us got more reasons to be wary of Sunset than her. If she thinks it's worth tryin', then I trust her, and so should you. You told me you’d do anything in the world for her, right? So if you won’t try for Sunset’s sake, if you won’t do it ‘cause Twilight told us to, then do it for Fluttershy.”
With nothing left to fight back with, my shoulders slumped. Maybe it was because this morning took a lot out of me, but I was tapped out. I didn’t want to, but I had to admit she had a point.
Applejack chuckled. “Besides, if you're right, then she’ll come runnin’ into your arms for protection.” She looked up, clasping her hands together. “Oh Dashie, my hero! I shoulda listened to you all along. Hold me and never let me go!” she acted out dramatically.
My face burned as I punched her in the arm. “Fuck you, cut it out!”
She winked, nudging me back with her elbow. Even if that was embarrassing, I couldn’t help but smile.
Throwing my hands up, I let out another defeated sigh. “Okay, fine. You win. I’ll try to play nice,” I said. “But she only gets one chance!”
Applejack rolled her eyes but smiled just the same. “Atta' girl. Now, that was the easy part of the walk and talk.”
“What?! What do you mean that was the easy part? What else could there possibly be to talk about?”
“Come on, take a walk with me.” Applejack motioned for me to follow with her hand as she walked onto the schoolyard grass.
"Oh, come on! More walking, too?"
"Quit your bellyachin'!" she shot back as she kept walking with her back turned. “We gotta talk about how you’re gonna make this up to Fluttershy." She stopped for a moment, turning to face me with a smirk. "And you ain’t gonna like what I got planned.”
My stomach sank as I dragged my feet behind her. I had a feeling I knew what her plan was, and if I was right, I was going to hate it. Still, Applejack’s advice hadn’t failed me yet. If it meant making Fluttershy happy, it’d be worth it.
The halls of CHS were completely empty as I made my way out of the library. School had ended an hour ago, but I was staying late to study for a world history test I had tomorrow. Most of my classes consisted of material I’d already studied in Equestria, and anything that fell outside of that wasn’t hard for me to wrap my head around. History, however, was an exception.
It wasn’t hard to understand—a lot of it was just memorization—but even with how much I studied, I always felt as though I was missing context. It didn’t help that the further I read into human history, the more unpleasant it became. At first, it didn’t seem all that bad, but learning about the last few centuries in particular made me question whether or not I wanted to stay in this world any longer than I had to.
Yawning as I made my way through the empty building, I thought about taking a nap when I got home. Studying was a draining activity, and the day had already been somewhat tiring. Still, even though I was fatigued, my stride remained unbroken. After all, this was just a dull punctuation mark on an otherwise eventful day. Not even the tedium of poring over the disturbing history of humans could distract from how accomplished I felt.
At lunch, not only did I humiliate my favorite target more than I’d ever done before, but I managed to drive a wedge between her and her stupid friend. It took a few days of planning, and an exhausting amount of effort to set up, but it was all worth it in the end. My lips curled into a smirk as I replayed the events in my head once more.
It wasn’t long before my focus shifted elsewhere, however. My ears perked at a second set of footsteps echoing through the hall.
“Hey!” A voice erupted from behind.
Even before the voice registered in my head, I knew exactly who was trailing me. There was only one person who I could have upset enough for them to stay after school and try to confront me. My smug grin widened, but I bit my tongue to rein it back in. Once it faded, I relaxed my jaw and turned around.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” I greeted with false sincerity. “What’s up?”
Mere seconds after I greeted her, she was right up in my face, eyes sternly peering into mine. She breathed a sharp, angry exhale.
“Why?” she asked. “Why’d you do it?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I lied, struggling not to chuckle in her face.
My attempt at concealing my amusement must have been obvious. Immediately after I finished my sentence, she shoved me. After stumbling backward a few steps, I quickly regained my footing and stepped back into her personal space, same position as before.
“I don’t know what your problem is, but if I were you, I’d walk away.” My face bent into a scowl to match hers. “Now.”
“Cut the bullshit, Shimmer!” she shouted, her voice reverberating through the empty halls. “I know it was you!”
“Whatever could you be talking about?” I asked sarcastically. “Did you take one too many soccer balls to the head or something?”
That earned me another shove from Dash, but I barely budged. Physicality is something I always tried to avoid in confrontations. Not only because I considered it beneath me, but because it meant I could surprise anyone who thought I was all bark and no bite. This encounter was a perfect example of that.
When I returned the favor with a shove of my own, Dash almost completely lost her footing, only barely managing to stay upright. Her scowl wavered momentarily as she regained her equilibrium. As soon as she recovered, she got up in my face once more, looking angrier than ever.
“Fluttershy’s mad at me and it’s because of what you did!” she seethed.
“Well gee! That sucks,” I replied sarcastically, “but I don’t don’t know what you’re talking about, nor do I care.”
“Bullshit!” she hissed.
“Look, I don’t see how you getting into a fight with your girlfriend is my problem, so get out of my face or this won’t end well for you.”
Rainbow Dash bumped her chest against mine. “Fuck you.”
Placing my hands over my heart, I feigned offense at her witty retort. “Gosh, Rainbow Dash, you’re really hurting my feelings,” I whined mockingly before glowering at her. “Go throw a tantrum at someone who gives a shit. I’m going home.”
Turning away from her, I attempted to walk away. Rainbow Dash wasn’t willing to stop there, however. After a single step, I felt her hand grab my shoulder, pulling me hard enough to face her again.
“Where do you think you’re going? I’m not done with you!” she shouted.
Being spun around so quickly left me briefly disoriented. When I came to, I grabbed her wrist, pulling her into me before pushing her into the lockers nearby. The sound of her back meeting hard metal bounced around the empty halls.
She grimaced upon impact. When she recovered, her face was lit up with rage. Lunging forward, she grabbed my shoulders with both her hands. I responded by grappling with her the same way. Both of us were fighting to push the other back, but we soon found ourselves locked in a stalemate. Our foreheads were almost pressing against each other as we struggled for dominance.
“You’re making a huge mistake,” I snarled through bared teeth. “Let go and walk away before I make you regret this.”
That only made Dash push even harder, causing me to lose a few steps worth of ground.
“Like I’m afraid of you!” she scoffed, voice audibly strained from exertion.
This was infuriating. Most students wouldn’t dare get this confrontational with me, let alone physical. Even after I warned her multiple times—more than she deserved—she refused to listen. If reasoning wasn’t going to work, then I’d have no choice but to show her how serious of a mistake this was.
With a low growl, I thrust all my weight forward. The sound of my boots clacking against the linoleum floor resonated through the hallway as she steadily lost more ground. With a white knuckle grip, my fingers dug into her shoulders, my thumbs pressing into her collar. As her control faltered, so did her bravado.
Before long, I had her back pressed against the lockers. Her grip over me loosened until she let go of my shoulders, choosing instead to grab my wrists in a desperate attempt to pull me off of her. While her thumbs dug into my wrists, I relaxed my fingers, pressing my open palms against her shoulders until her back was flat against the wall. Her hands dropped from my arms as I pressed my body weight against her.
My breathing grew heavy—half because of the physical effort I spent to push her back, and half from how livid I was. This was unbelievable. She had the nerve to lay her hands on me not once, not twice, but three times. Of course, Dash wasn’t known for her intelligence, but I didn’t think she was this stupid. She had no idea who she was messing with, but after this, she would learn.
As I held her against the wall, the look on her face told me she was starting to understand her mistake. The aggression in her gaze didn’t waver, but the color drained from her face as we glared into each other’s eyes. Dash was masking how she truly felt, but I could smell the sweet scent of fear. She knew as well as I did that she didn’t stand a chance.
I wanted to laugh and gloat, but the rage burning within me incinerated any mirth I felt. I should have been reveling in this, but I could only focus on how badly I wanted to hurt her. The amount of violent thoughts that flashed through my head as she writhed in my grasp should have been concerning, but I was too enraged to care.
This should have been when I truly made her regret this, but something else inside of me kept me from going any further. Second thoughts began to dilute my fury. The longer I looked into her eyes, the more I could tell my message to her was loud and clear. She knew she’d messed up.
If I were to escalate things beyond this, there was a chance I'd get in trouble. That could jeopardize my ultimate plan, and I couldn’t risk her running off and tattling to the principal. Even if the chances of me being caught were slim—even if no one would believe her over me—I’d come much too far to let someone like her to ruin everything.
Just as I couldn’t bring myself to start wailing on her, I couldn’t let her go. My mind was grappling with itself, the same way we were moments before I pinned her to the wall. The loudest voice in my head was telling me to let loose and beat her senseless. It was after school hours, most of the school faculty had gone home, and the ones who were still here weren’t anywhere near us. So what if I gave her a black eye or a bloody nose? There’d be no way to prove it was me. No one would believe her. I was untouchable.
But the longer I held her there, the more wrong all of this felt. Part of me was relishing in the fear she exuded, but another part of me began to wonder why I was doing this. Sure, she attacked me first, and I had every reason to make her pay for that. Maybe I would be able to get away with knocking her out, but this was beneath me. This wasn’t who I was.
Right?
With a growl, I pulled her forward a little bit just to shove her back again—this time even more forcefully. Her face scrunched in pain as she made contact with the lockers a second time, the back of her head bouncing against the wall of steel. As she slid to the floor, I stood over her triumphantly, smirking down at the crumpled mess she had been reduced to.
“Next time you think you can stand up to me, remember this,” I spat.
Content to leave her wallowing in her overwhelming defeat, I made my departure. Perhaps it was foolish of me to turn my back on her, but I figured if she had a brain in her thick skull, she would sit down and think long and hard about the events that had just transpired.
Of course, Dash wasn’t known for her intelligence.
Before even fully rising to her feet, Dash charged directly at me. I turned to react as I heard her footsteps, but before I could do anything, she threw her fist into the center of my stomach, knocking the wind right out of me. As I leaned forward, I felt her hands angrily grip my collar, ramming me into the lockers, our positions now flipped. Her hands trembled with rage as her knuckles pressed against my throat.
Still trying to catch my breath, I watched Dash draw her fist back. My body was still too much in shock to retaliate. Breaking free was not an option, but I still had a plan. She may have gotten the drop on me, but that just meant I’d have to beat her the way I beat anyone else: getting under her skin.
“Go ahead… hit me… as hard as you can,” I sputtered between labored breaths. “After all, you know… what the penalty for fighting… on school grounds is.”
“There’s no one here, and you won’t be able to prove anything!” she argued.
“Proof? Like that matters.” A grin spread across my face. “Who do you think Principal Celestia will believe? The smartest, most popular girl in school, or the hotheaded, dimwitted jock?”
“Just keep talking shit.” Rainbow Dash pulled me forward, slamming my back against the lockers behind me. “It’ll make this even more satisfying.”
She was still trying to intimidate me, but they were empty threats. The fact that she hadn’t thrown an actual punch yet made it obvious she was having second thoughts.
My eyes narrowed, my wicked smirk widening as I continued. “You know if you hit me, you’ll be suspended. And suspension means you’ll be kicked off of every team you’re on. And if that happens, what will you do without that generous grading curve?”
Rainbow Dash squinted. “What are you even talking about?”
“Come on, Dash! Everyone knows you’re dumb as dirt. The only reason you’re passing any of your classes is the preferential treatment you get by being the star athlete of every team,” I explained.
As I kept going, I couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s just like what Applejack said about you: ‘quick as a whip, sharp as a marble,’ I think it was?”
“Shut up!” she shouted as her knuckles pressed harder into my neck.
I knew the mere mention of Applejack's name would strike a nerve. The tough facade she desperately clung to was falling apart before my eyes. It gave me such a rush.
“Think about it, Dash. You might get the satisfaction of hitting me, but you’ll fail all your classes without that curve. After that, they won’t let you back on the team unless you pull your grades up. And if you can’t manage that, you’ll probably have to repeat the school year, too! From special treatment to special ed; what a fall from grace.”
“Shut the fuck up before I knock your teeth down your throat!” she screamed.
Rainbow Dash was trying so hard not to cry. I wanted so badly to cackle as I watched her squirm, but I had to maintain control. Her hand may have been at my throat, but I had her right where I wanted her. Even from such a disadvantageous spot, I held all the power in this interaction, and she was slowly unraveling in front of me.
“What are you waiting for then?” I goaded. “Why don’t you go ahead and hit me? I know you want to. Do us both a favor and get it over with.”
Dash’s face was burning with anger, but the tears close to spilling from her eyes threatened to extinguish her fiery rage. Both her fist and the hand holding my collar were shaking. She was a ticking time bomb, and after a few seconds of silence, she looked ready to detonate. Whether she was going to fall apart or lay into me didn’t matter anymore—I had already won.
Suddenly, her fist flew forward. Instinctively, I flinched, turning my head as her hand rushed toward my face. A loud slam echoed down the halls.
My eyes shut tight as I waited for the pain, but it never came. Was I dead? Had she hit me hard enough to kill me instantly? That wouldn’t make any sense. I could still feel my back against the lockers, her hand gripping my jacket, her knuckles slightly compressing my windpipe.
Upon opening my eyes, I got my answer. Her fist had landed on the locker right next to my head, her strike having left a noticeable dent in the steel door. When she pulled her hand away, there was a small, red stain on the surface of the locker. A short trail of blood dripped down from her knuckles. As hard as she tried not to show it, I could tell how bad that punch must have hurt. It made me wonder if she’d broken her hand. Wouldn’t that have been the cherry on top?
Her grip on my collar loosened as her hands fell. Without another word, she stomped away furiously, hyperventilating as she did. Rainbow Dash, the star athlete of CHS, storming off in a child-like hissy fit. If it weren't so hilarious, I might have felt bad for her.
“You made the right choice, Rainbow dunce!” I shouted at her.
More than likely too embarrassed to acknowledge me anymore, Dash continued her walk of shame. In one day, I’d driven her and her best friend apart, and had a chance to humiliate both of them. My only regret was that there was no audience to witness her utter defeat. As she walked away, I couldn’t help but laugh at her pathetic tantrum.
A sudden chill in the air brought my laughter to a sudden halt. At first, it felt like an unpleasant draft had blown by, but the air around me quickly became frigid. I looked around for a reason why, but found none. The school's ventilation system was quiet, so it couldn’t have been the air conditioning, and I was too far from any doors or windows for this kind of air to blow in. Before I could spend much thought on that, my body stiffened as I felt and heard a breath at my ear.
“You’re not really going to let her get away with that, are you?”
Whipping my body around, I saw no one behind me. Reaching my hand up toward my neck, there was nothing there. Despite this, my whole body tingled as I felt the sensation of fingers gently dragging down my spine, a sharp sting spreading across my back in their wake. It felt as though my skin was being unzipped.
“If you don’t make an example out of her, she’s just going to walk all over you in the future.”
My heart stopped as I suddenly became acutely aware of everything. This wasn’t reality. This was a memory—a highly detailed, uncomfortably realistic reconstruction of what had already happened. Upon this realization, the disgusting voice in my ear began to chortle loudly, enough to make my ear ring.
With my fingertips against my temples, I breathed deep. “This is just another stupid nightmare,” I muttered as I exhaled. “None of this is real.”
Even if this was a nightmare, I could still feel Her teeth at my ear. “Oh, but it was real. Those weren’t my words—those were your thoughts. Don’t you remember?”
“I don’t care,” I quivered. “I-I didn’t do anything after this. That’s all that matters. This isn't me anymore.”
"Who are you trying to fool me, or yourself? Because I don't think you're convincing either of us."
I didn't respond. Communicating with Her never did me any good. I just kept frantically telling myself to wake up in my head.
“Are you going to pretend you don’t feel humiliated after today? After all, you were right—she is walking all over you. Just like you said she would.”
A jolt shot through my spine and spread throughout the rest of my body. I shivered momentarily, and when I stopped, I was unable to control any part of myself anymore. As my body involuntarily turned to face the direction Rainbow Dash went, I noticed she was still storming away. The gap between us remained the same regardless of how many steps she took. Dash was frozen, perpetually walking in place, but she didn’t seem to be aware.
“Why don’t I show you how things would have gone if you weren’t so spineless?”
Her words made my blood run cold. I wanted to protest, run away, scream—do anything at all—but my body refused to respond. A familiar feeling of abject powerlessness washed over me.
No matter how much I told myself none of this was real, it didn’t make any difference. Even if it was just a dream, every sensation and emotion felt like reality.
Red scales crept over my body, each one feeling like a searing hot needle burrowing and twisting itself into and under my skin. Every tooth in my mouth erupted in agony as they reshaped themselves into razor-sharp fangs. A metallic taste filled my mouth as the tip of my tongue split down the middle and became forked. Every single nerve ending in my body gradually ignited in blistering agony.
My body begged for a reaction, but none came. Even if I couldn’t do anything to stop what was happening, I was desperate to scream. The sliver of reprieve it may have offered would have been welcomed. Instead, I was painfully relegated to a prisoner within my own mind. And in this realm, it was a much crueler fate. At least when this happened at the Fall Formal, she could only control my body. But here, reality itself was her domain. Whatever she willed is what would be, and I was nothing but a horrified spectator.
The only thing left to do was hope. Hope that I’d wake up soon.
The moment I jolted awake, I could feel my heart nearly pounding out of my chest. Immediately, I sat up, a dizzy spell following my sudden movement. Even after the dizziness passed, I still felt lightheaded from how hard I was panting. My eyes darted around the room, and soon I realized I was in my apartment, laying in bed. Assured I was safe, I started taking deeper breaths.
For a few moments, my stomach churned with nausea. I did my best to swallow it back. There was no way I could have made it to the bathroom in time. Even if there was nothing solid in my stomach, I’d still rather not regurgitate bile onto myself or my bed.
My body was freezing cold and clammy all over. Looking down at myself, I noted how sweat-soaked my clothes, pillow, and sheets were. But as I examined my bed, I noticed my phone was buzzing incessantly. That was probably the thing that woke me up. As my eyes met the screen, I realized I was receiving a call. It was Flash.
Without giving it much thought, I answered the call, putting the speaker up to my ear.
“Hello?” I slurred, still groggy from my abrupt awakening.
“Yeah, why? What’s up?” I answered, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
“Are you sure? You sound pretty rough.”
I swallowed, trying to relieve my dry, scratchy throat. “I just woke up, that’s why.”
He chuckled. “A little early for bed, don’t you think?”
“I didn’t go to bed, I just fell asleep after I got home from school.” As my sleepy eyes regained their ability to focus, I looked out the window, realizing how dark it was outside. “Wait, what time is it?”
“Can’t you just look at your ph–”
“Just tell me,” I snapped.
“A little past seven.”
Pulling my phone away from my ear, I checked to see if he was right. For a few seconds, I just stared in disbelief. Sure enough, the time read 7:08 PM. That might have been the longest I’d slept in months, but it certainly wasn’t restful sleep.
“Okay, wow, yeah, I’ve been out for a bit,” I remarked, stunned at the fact I’d been asleep for nearly eight hours. “Anyway, why are you calling me, exactly?”
“Jeez, I didn’t know I needed a reason to call a friend,” he answered, his tone jokingly defensive.
Letting out a quiet exhale, I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Sorry, I’m just a little on edge, and really not a morning person.”
“It’s nighttime.”
“You know what the fuck I mean, smart ass!”
Flash chuckled. “Chill, chill. I’m just messing with you.”
He may have been joking, but I was in no mood for it. When he realized I wasn’t going to dignify his playfulness with any form of response, he awkwardly continued the conversation.
“Anyway, I called to check on you,” he explained. “I heard about what happened at school, and wanted to let you know I’m here if you want to talk about it.”
A wan smile spread across my lips, but quickly faded. His concern for me was endearing, but it left me feeling conflicted. After all, I wasn’t exactly a victim in what he was referencing, and it made me feel bad about being such a bitch when I answered his call.
“I don’t really want to talk about it, no," I answered, "but I probably should anyway."
"So, what happened?" he asked.
"Actually, why don't you tell me what you heard first," I replied. I was almost afraid to find out how everyone else thought this morning went.
“Well, word around the school is that Dash snuck up behind you and shoved you face-first into a locker. After that, you tried to get into a fight with her, but she pushed you again and walked off.”
The only response I could muster at first was an empty chuckle. “That sure makes me sound pathetic,” I remarked.
“Kinda, yeah. That’s sorta why I get the feeling that’s not how it went down.”
“Astute as ever,” I replied sarcastically.
“So, what really happened?” he asked.
At first, I thought about saying that’s how it happened just so I could get off the phone sooner, but I decided against it. If he was willing to not only check up on me, but give me the benefit of the doubt, it was only fair that I told him the truth about everything. With a deep sigh, I recapped the events of the morning yet again, hoping it would be the last time I would ever need to.
“So now do you believe me when I say Dash isn’t just joking around?” I asked after I concluded the story.
“Hard to argue there, yeah,” he agreed. “I gotta admit: most of the reason I didn’t believe that’s how things went is because I couldn’t believe Dash would do something like that, but what you told me isn’t much better.”
“I mean it’s not totally her fault,” I admitted, breathing a frustrated exhale. “I did go for a low blow.”
The other end of the line went silent for a few seconds. “How hard did you hit your head?”
“What?” My brow tightened. “The nurse said I was fine, why?”
“I’m just shocked to hear you say that,” he answered.
“What, you don’t think I’m capable of admitting when I’m wrong?”
"I mean, no offense, but if we're going off of history..." Flash then made a noise I could only describe as indecisive. At first, his answer pissed me off, but after thinking about it for a moment, he wasn't exactly wrong.
“Whatever, point taken,” I conceded. “But yeah, we both handled everything pretty badly.”
“I’m surprised,” he remarked. “You don’t sound as mad about this as I thought you would.”
“Oh, don’t get me wrong—I’m absolutely furious at her—but I could have easily walked away, and if I did, none of that would have happened.”
“Yeah, but you can’t totally blame yourself. She didn’t have to act like that in the first place.”
“Maybe” I accepted, “but I have less of an excuse to be acting like that. And, as much as I hate to admit it, Rainbow Dash had a pretty good reason for reacting the way she did.”
Flash scoffed. “Really? What’s that?”
Immediately, my mind jumped back to the nightmare I’d awoken from minutes ago. My stomach started twisting itself in knots as I remembered everything—reliving the memory, the demon creeping up on me, and the horrible things she made me watch afterwards. A wave of nausea washed over me again, and after it passed, my whole body shuddered.
“I’d… rather not get into it,” I sheepishly replied.
“Fair enough. How do the others feel about it?”
“What others?” I asked.
“Your other friends…?” he responded, his voice trailing off at the end.
“Oh, right, them.”
Calling them friends at this point felt a little awkward. I only knew how Fluttershy felt, but just because she was willing to accept my side of the story didn’t mean the rest of them would.
A sense of dread settled in as I remembered we would probably have to talk about that tomorrow. What would they all think? Would they take my side with Fluttershy as well? Or would they sit me down at lunch and tell me they were finally giving up on me? Regardless, I wasn’t excited to find out.
“I don’t know,” I answered. “I mean, I told Fluttershy what happened, but I haven’t talked to the rest of them, so I have no idea what they’re gonna think until we discuss it.”
Which would hopefully be never.
“Well, what does she think?”
“She felt kind of bad for me, I guess?” I answered. “When I told her, she didn’t seem all that upset with me. She seemed pretty angry at Rainbow Dash about it, though.”
“Really?” Flash let out a surprised laugh. “I figured she wouldn’t be happy, but I wouldn’t expect her to side with you.”
My expression soured. “What’s that supposed to–? Ugh, whatever.” I forced myself to ignore his shitty comment in favor of keeping the discussion going. “From what I gathered, the reason she’s mad is because Dash only told her half the story.”
“Guess that makes sense,” he replied. “The fact that she’s on your side is a good sign though, right?”
“Maybe,” I answered uncertainly. “I don’t know if she and the girls are gonna see eye to eye on that.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It’s hard to explain,” I began. “Fluttershy’s been really nice to me since last week. Like, weirdly nice. The other girls still hardly seem interested in talking to me most of the time, but after she invited me to band practice last week, we’ve been talking more. She’s even asked if I wanted to hang out with her multiple times, and I have no idea why.”
“Huh.” For a brief moment, the line went quiet. “Maybe that’s why Rainbow Dash is still acting that way.”
“What?” I snapped. “You said befriending Fluttershy would help with that!”
“Hey, I said it might help, not that it would,” he contended.
This was as confusing as it was frustrating. “So if being friends with her is making Dash act like even more of a bitch, what am I supposed to do? If I push Fluttershy away, that’s going to hurt her feelings, and then Rainbow Dash will be even further up my ass for that!”
“First off, calm down,” he replied. “Yelling at me isn't gonna solve anything.”
Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Right, sorry,” I apologized. “I just don’t get why this would make things worse. None of this shit makes any sense.”
“Don’t sweat it, I understand,” he assured. “Second, maybe Rainbow Dash is jealous. Those two have been friends for years—since we were kids. Maybe she’s just worried that if you two get close, Fluttershy won’t want to be her best friend anymore?”
“That’s fucking stupid,” I responded dryly.
Flash chuckled, the noise from his sudden breath causing the receiver to crackle. “It might seem that way, but those two got into a big fight over something last year and didn’t talk to each other for a while. Maybe Dash is afraid of something like that happening again. It’s just something to think about.”
That made me wonder whether or not Flash knew that I was the reason they didn’t talk to each other for so long. If he didn’t, I certainly wasn’t about to tell him. Just thinking about that made my stomach turn again.
Things went quiet for a few seconds. Eventually, Flash cleared his throat and spoke again.
“Anyway, there’s a couple things I gotta do before bed, so I should probably get going.”
“Yeah, I should probably do the same,” I replied. Running my fingers over the damp sheet below me, I quietly sighed. I was going to have to wash all my bedding again. That, and I probably really needed a shower.
“You gonna be alright?” he asked.
“Don’t worry about me,” I responded. His concern made me feel warm enough to crack a half-smile. “But… Thanks for checking up on me. I appreciate it.”
“Hey, no problem,” he said. “What are friends for?”
My half-smile became full. Friends. Flash was my friend. If nothing else—even if things went south with the girls tomorrow—I would at least have him to fall back on. Thinking about tomorrow still made me anxious, but knowing I would still have him regardless of what happened the next day helped put me at ease.
After we said our goodbyes, I took the phone away from my ear and looked down, holding it in both hands. The screen looked greasy from sitting against my face for so long, so I used one of my blankets to wipe it clean. When I flicked the screen back on, there were several notifications—all of which came in while I was asleep.
One was a missed call from work. It was more than likely Skates calling me in for an extra shift. That was a little disappointing. Had I not been unconscious, I probably would have taken that offer. Unfortunately, the call came several hours ago, so there was nothing I could do about it now.
The second was a text from Fluttershy. Opening my messaging app, I navigated to our conversation history.
>hey, just texting to make sure you made it home alright. still down to hang out after school if you want to!
As my thumb hovered over the text field, I debated whether or not to respond. Considering she had sent that text almost six hours ago, it was probably too late to hang out—not that I particularly felt like doing so. Either way, I figured I should let her know I’m not dead.
>Sorry for the super late response. Doing alright. Just woke up from an 8 hour nap lol.
Closing that conversation, I navigated back to my messages to check what the other unread message was. Strangely, it was from a number outside of my contacts. At first, I thought it was just a wrong number, but I quickly realized it wasn’t.
When my eyes scanned the first words of the text, my stomach dropped through the floor.
>hey its rainbow dash. meet me at the steps before school tomorrow. lets talk just you and me.
As I finished reading the text, I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Staring blankly at the screen, I read the brief message over and over. When my phone screen dimmed, I realized just how long my eyes had been scanning her words. Something about the way it read made me feel uneasy.
Why did she want to talk to me alone? How did she even get my number? Did Fluttershy give it to her? If she did, did she know Rainbow Dash wanted to talk to me one on one? Was there really anything to be worried about?
Even if it was before school started, there’d be other students there if she tried anything funny. But maybe that’s what she wanted. That would be the perfect place to make an example out of me in front of the rest of the school, away from any staff member’s prying eyes. In the back of my mind, I knew I was just being paranoid, but that did nothing to stop me from worrying. Why did she have to be so vague with her message?
Letting out a deep exhale, I finally stood up from my bed, gathering up all my sheets and blankets into a pile. I would deal with that when the time came. Until then, there wasn’t much I could do. Hopefully, I could find enough things to do tonight to distract me from the trepidation of tomorrow’s unknowns. Hopefully, I was worried about nothing, and tomorrow would be fine.
Around this time last year, I was the Queen. I could do and say whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted, and rarely would I face any consequences for it. When I did have to pay for my actions, the penalty was seldom anything significant enough to matter. In the eyes of the other students, this made me feared, untouchable, powerful—completely invincible—and they were right to see me as such.
At one point in time, if Rainbow Dash had asked me to meet her at the steps in front of school, it would have excited me. I wouldn’t have been afraid of her—she would have been afraid of me. No matter what she had planned, it would have ended in disaster for her. My dream from yesterday was a poignant reminder of that.
But a lot can change in one year.
Today, I was late getting to school. Not because I overslept, not due to anything on the way, and not because the time got away from me—it was a deliberate decision. Being late meant I wouldn’t have to meet Rainbow Dash before school started, and I wanted nothing more than to avoid her. Her message was just so frustratingly vague, and after our confrontation yesterday, her intentions were just as opaque. There were nearly endless ways our potential encounter could end badly, and I just didn’t have it in me to face her.
It wasn’t like I was worried about getting into another fight with her. If she didn’t hit me yesterday, she was probably never going to. What frightened me more than another altercation was what might happen if she humiliated me once again. Word about yesterday had already circulated around the school, and since I hadn’t fought back, it gave everyone an excuse to treat me even worse than normal today.
Only halfway through the school day, I was already experiencing the consequences from yesterday’s clash. The looks I garnered as I walked through the halls were even nastier than usual. Those who would usually cower in my presence were now sneering at me. Everyone’s negative attitude toward me was emboldened by my humiliation, and I had been shoved through the halls more times today than I could count. Yesterday proved I was a shadow of my former self, and now, everyone knew just how weak I truly was.
The school staff seemed to care just as much about how I was being treated as they did before. In my second period class, someone kept repeatedly tossing crumpled paper at my head. At first, I tried to ignore it, hoping it would stop if I didn’t acknowledge it. But it just kept coming, and it was taking more and more effort not to retaliate.
Of course, when I finally got fed up with it and snapped at them for it, I was the one who ended up in trouble. The teacher forced me to sit outside the classroom for the rest of the period despite not having done anything wrong. That’s when it became evident that, somehow, splitting my head open was far from the worst thing Dash had done to me yesterday.
Now, I was sitting in the last class before lunch, staring at the teacher, her voice sounding like white noise. On the outside, I probably looked like I was blanking out. Internally, my mind was racing at a mile a minute, and I had long given up on trying to slow it down. Time was running out. In less than an hour, my chances of evading Rainbow Dash would become very slim.
Sure, I could avoid the cafeteria entirely, but she’d probably just go looking for me. If not her, then the rest of the girls would. There were a few places around the school I could hide until lunch was over, but what about when the day ended? Would they be looking for me before I left, or would they give up until tomorrow? And when tomorrow inevitably came, would we just repeat this?
That wasn’t the only thing I was worried about, either. Perhaps Fluttershy sounded optimistic about discussing what happened with the girls, but I hardly felt like I could trust her all that much either. For days, I kept asking myself why she was being so nice to me. I just couldn’t accept that she was only acting that way out of the kindness of her heart.
No, there just had to be some kind of ulterior motive. While anxiously agonizing all last night about the day to come, I finally came up with an answer. Unfortunately, it was just as hard to stomach as it was to disagree with.
Fluttershy wasn’t nice to me because she liked me. It was for insurance.
When I realized that, I wanted to be angry—as upset with her as I was with Dash—but how could I be? Was it really fair to blame her for that? Considering our history, why would someone in her position be willing to mend the bridge between us for any other reason? It was the only conclusion that made sense.
Outside of the last couple of days, I hadn’t done much to atone for all the things I’d done to her, or any of them for that matter. Fluttershy had low expectations of me—probably just as low as Dash’s. Her hope was that if she was nice enough to me, I would go easier on her when I inevitably relapsed. There was no way she could have had any confidence in me, and if she did, it couldn’t have been much more than Rainbow Dash had. The only difference was in how they showed it.
After spending all last night going over every scenario in my head, I couldn’t help but feel like there was no hope. Even with Fluttershy in my corner, she was doing it out of fear, and there was no way the rest of them were going to side with her. They were going to give up on me, and I was going to be alone yet again. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I would never fit in with them.
And, well, if that was the case, what did it matter? We’d given this whole friendship thing a shot, and it didn’t pan out. That’s how I expected things to go from the very beginning, and I couldn’t have been alone in that. All of us had to know this was unavoidable. Once we had this discussion, they could stop wasting their time with me, and I could stop pretending I wanted their friendship. A win-win for everyone involved.
So then, why was I prolonging the inevitable? Why was I afraid to face them? Why did the idea of them giving up on me make me choke up? If they were never really my friends, what was I losing by deciding to mutually call it quits with all of them? Why was I being so stupid about this? There was nothing to be afraid of. It’s not like I had something to lose in the end.
Except I did. Before now, I could easily make myself believe I didn’t want friends. I’d never known what it was like to have someone who cared about me for who I was. For a long time, I had convinced myself that that’s how I wanted to be—I was happier that way.
Sometime after the Formal, something shifted inside of me. As much as I hated to admit it, I wasn’t just pretending to be their friend anymore. Even if our relationship was tenuous and awkward, it was still something I’d never had before. They might be all I had, but that was still something.
But just as I had done many times in the past, I sabotaged myself. And for the first time I could remember, I was afraid to pay the price. Evading the girls wasn’t going to stop the inevitable from happening, but perhaps being saddled with anxiety while I avoided them was a punishment I deserved.
In my perpetual mood spiral, I couldn’t help but feel a mirthless amusement at that thought. All this self-pitying felt so pointless and stupid. All my internal self-flagellation only made me feel worse about myself, and those feelings would in turn increase the self-flagellation. I’d certainly learn my lesson eventually.
Over the last few months, I’d learned to stop asking myself if things could get any worse. Every time I did, something else would inevitably go wrong. Life had taught me on numerous occasions that the bottom was never the lowest I could go. As if to provide a perfect example of this, the intercom crackled to life, interrupting the lecture I’d been paying no attention to.
“Sunset Shimmer, please report to the main office,” Principal Celestia announced from the speaker above.
Hearing my name in that voice always made my blood run cold, but this time I felt a flash freeze in my veins. Immediately, every set of eyes in the room fell onto me. Slowly turning my head, I scanned the faces of all my classmates. Some of them stared at me deadpanned, others glared, but the most common expression I saw was a smirk.
“You know she’s getting expelled,” one of the students remarked from the opposite side of the classroom. Naturally, this made everyone in the class giggle at my expense. I tried my best to hide my reaction, but I couldn’t help but flinch. Ms. Cheerilee reined the students back in, but by the time they settled down, I had already made myself scarce.
Where I had initially walked quickly to exit the class, I took my time on the way to the front office. The most reasonable yet quietest part of my mind kept telling me I didn’t have much to worry about, but it did little to calm my nerves. Vice Principal Luna said she would talk to Principal Celestia, but she had also said she would be the one to follow up with me.
It was the fact that the principal herself wished to speak with me that filled me with dread. Even if it was for a good reason, speaking with her was always a nerve wracking experience for me. No matter how many times I reminded myself she wasn’t the Celestia I knew, it did little to alleviate the pressure.
It was impossible to have a conversation with her without old wounds reopening. Even if their faces were different, their voices were exactly the same, and that was more than enough to put me on edge. Any time we were in the same room, my memories would loom over me and make every interaction between us stressful. Thankfully, in all of our previous encounters, she never seemed to notice. I couldn’t imagine trying to explain to her why I was acting the way I was.
For as slow as I walked, it wasn’t long before I was facing the door to her office. We weren’t even face to face yet, and already I was fighting a losing battle against my anxiety. There was no turning back now, though. Closing my eyes, I took in a deep breath and exhaled. Once it was out, I opened my eyes and knocked on the door.
The answer came almost instantly. “Come in.”
Turning the handle, I slowly opened the door, the hinges quietly creaking as I pushed it open. The room beyond the door was brightly lit—a stark contrast to the low lighting in Ms. Luna’s office. In the center of the room was Principal Celestia’s desk. There was one empty chair in front of it, and one occupied by her behind it.
“Have a seat, Ms. Shimmer.”
With a quiet gulp, I closed the door behind me and made my way over to the seat. Before the Formal, Ms. Celestia was a lot more cordial. That was when she only knew me as the well-behaved star student of CHS. Now, she was always terse, and it wasn’t hard to understand why. Her tone always reminded me of the day I ended up in this world. That made it even more of a struggle to maintain my composure in front of her.
Seconds passed like minutes as we just stared at one another. The only sounds that could be heard were the clock on the wall, and the faintly buzzing fluorescent lights above. Even if the brightness reflecting off of her reading glasses obscured her eyes, mine still nervously avoided her gaze.
Mercifully, she finally broke the silence. “How are you feeling this morning?” she asked.
“Just fine,” I replied shortly. “Thanks.”
“That’s good to hear.” Ms. Celestia looked down as she shuffled some papers around on her desk. “Do you know why I’ve called you here?”
My lips felt dry as I began to mouth my answer. “Not really, no,” I admitted.
As she looked up from her desk, her expression slightly softened. “You’re not in any trouble,” she assured, “I just want to talk about a few things with you.”
When she didn’t continue, I tried to say something, but could only nod in response. An uncomfortable silence fell over the room once again.
“After you met with Ms. Luna, she and I had a discussion. Part of it was about what happened between you and Rainbow Dash, but most of it was about the difficulties you expressed having.”
It was hard to get a read on how she felt as a result of that talk. Even if she said I wasn’t in any trouble, this was the same disapprovingly deadpan tone Princess Celestia would use on me. The continued absence of any sympathy from her led me to assume the worst. Still, I continued to anxiously nod along.
Ms. Celestia pulled off her glasses, resting her elbows on the desk and clasping her hands together. “I agree with her decision not to discipline you for yesterday, but I’m still not very happy with what I’ve heard. If not for that, I might have been inclined to relieve you of your punishment today.”
Hearing that drained nearly all the life out of my body. It’s exactly what I expected, but that didn’t take away from how awful it felt to hear it confirmed.
“However, considering you’ve stayed out of trouble since the Formal, you’ve kept your grades up, and you haven’t missed a payment so far, I believe you’ve earned a chance to prove yourself.”
That made me perk back up almost immediately.
“As of today, you can consider your punishment suspended,” she stated. “That doesn’t mean it’s gone. Think of it like probation.”
My face twisted into a confused frown. “I... don’t know what that means.”
Principal Celestia looked perplexed momentarily, as if it was weird I didn’t understand what she meant. “If you can continue to both stay out of trouble and keep your grades up, I will fully lift your punishment after one month. If you cause any incident between now and then, your punishment will be reinstated and will stay in effect until the damages are fully paid for. Do we have an agreement?”
The excitement that suddenly filled me was watered down by an equal amount of anxiety. This was too good to be true; it couldn’t be real. Sitting perfectly still, I waited for everything around me to melt into a nightmare.
Even if this was reality, could I really last a whole month? Especially considering how the other students had been treating me today. I would have to go an entire month without reacting to people who were now antagonizing me more than ever before. That sounded nearly impossible. Was it even worth taking her up on that offer?
As much as I wanted to nod and say yes, my body was almost completely unresponsive while my brain continued to process everything.
“Sunset?” Celestia prodded. “Are you okay?”
“I’m–”
That was the only sound that could escape me. What should I even say? Sorry, this is too good to be true and I’m just expecting this to be a nightmare? I would either sound like I was joking or insane.
Principal Celestia raised an eyebrow at my continued lack of a proper response. Finally, my brain was able to cobble together something coherent.
“Sorry, I just didn’t get much sleep last night,” I answered. Truthfully, I hadn’t slept at all since the day before.
“Ms. Luna mentioned you said you’ve been having issues with sleep,” she replied. “And she certainly wasn’t exaggerating, either. You look exhausted.”
For the first time since we’d started talking, she didn’t sound so emotionless. It was subtle, but there was that unmistakable warmth.
“Yeah, I only get a few hours most nights, and on the nights I get more, it’s not particularly restful.” I ended my sentence with a nervous half-smile.
Ms. Celestia responded to my expression with a frown. “I’m sorry to hear. I hope you understand I never intended for your punishment to be cruel. Had I known your job was interfering with how much sleep you were getting, I would have worked to come up with a compromise sooner.”
“It’s not that,” I said, shaking my head. “My job closes pretty early, and I can only work certain hours on weekdays anyway. It’s just…”
As my voice tapered off, my eyes fixed on the floor. Normally, I’d have no trouble trying to deflect something like this, but the truth was desperately trying to push itself out of me. The moment I heard a shred of sincerity in her voice, I felt uncomfortably vulnerable. It made me want to tell her everything. I wanted to tell her that every time I tried to sleep, my mind would inevitably be invaded by nightmares. It’s just that the moment I admitted that, I knew I would break down and cry.
Maybe I should have let myself do that, though. Maybe she would understand. Maybe she would hug me, and I could relax into her arms while I cried into her shoulder. Maybe her voice would be just as warm as her embrace as she told me everything would be okay. And maybe, if only for a moment, I wouldn’t feel so cold and alone.
But as our eyes met again, my hopes were crushed under the immense weight of reality. Her comfort was meaningless because she wasn’t who I really wanted comfort from. Nothing she could do for me would change the fact that she wasn’t the Princess. She was someone else entirely. The depth to which she could understand me was shallow compared to who I associated her with. Princess Celestia and I may have parted on bad terms, we had years of history behind that. She’d show more understanding to me than her counterpart—someone who only knew me as a deceptive bully and maniacal demon.
“I still feel guilty about everything, that’s all.” As those words passed through my lips, my entire being felt hollow. “But yes, we have an agreement.”
Ms. Celestia offered a comforting smile. “I understand you feel guilty, but you’ve done very well so far, Sunset. You’ve far exceeded my expectations. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”
“Thank you, Principal Celestia.” I replied, a wan smile spreading across my face. Her compliment was enough to alleviate a slight amount of my inner turmoil. “I’ll be sure to stay out of trouble.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” she said, her serene smile widening.
“Before you leave, there’s one more matter I’d like to discuss,” she said.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Ms. Luna tells me other students have been causing you trouble. I understand why they might be apprehensive about you, but that does nothing to excuse their behavior. You may be on probation, but if someone provokes you, you come to one of us. I know it may not seem like it, but we’re on your side, and we want to see you continue to do well.” She paused, looking up at the clock. “And unless you have any questions, you’re free to go to lunch.”
My empty smile grew just a little wider. “Thanks, prince–” I covered my mouth and coughed lightly, “–Principal Celestia. I won’t let you down again.”
She nodded before putting her glasses back on, looking down at the many papers strewn about her desk. My legs felt weak as I stood up and made my way to the exit. Internally, I was cursing at myself for nearly slipping up, but thankfully she either didn’t notice or care.
As I shut the door to Principal Celestia’s office, I felt strangely ambivalent. I should have been happy. After all, my punishment was suspended, there was a chance it could be done away with entirely, and I’d get to keep more of my paycheck this week. That meant I could go back to working less hours, that meant I didn’t have to waste so much time at a place I hated, that meant I finally had time to myself. There was no reason not to be ecstatic.
Yet the joy from that was far from enough to fill the void left inside of me after our talk. It was the same feeling I got every time I had to speak with Principal Celestia, only it was all-consuming this time.
Ironically, it was the more positive interactions that always made me feel worse. Even when we were on better terms, that emotionless tone she carried was a given. I was used to that. It stopped bothering me a long time ago.
It was hearing that caring tone of hers that hurt the most. It was so rare, but every time I heard it, it provided me with a familiar comfort I’d longed for since I ran away from home. It made me feel wanted, like I was special. Like, maybe she saw me as something more than just her student.
But the truth would always leave cold, bitter emptiness in its wake. Any positivity I felt was temporary, and it only came to me because of who she reminded me of—not who she was. Praise meant nothing coming from her, because I was no more special to her than anyone else in this school. I wasn’t even her student, I was just a student, and I would never be anything more to her than that.
At one point in time, these thoughts would be enough to make me an emotional wreck. But over the past few years, I’d learned how to compartmentalize them. Of course, that didn’t mean those feelings went away. I was trading stability now for an even more explosive meltdown later. Those emotions would find a way out of me on their own, but the hope was that I’d be in a better spot to let them out when the time came.
Trying to push those thoughts out of my head, I absentmindedly continued down the hallway. Once I was halfway to the cafeteria, I stopped dead in my tracks. If I hadn’t realized what I was doing, I’d have run right into Dash and the others. After meeting with the principal, I felt even less prepared to deal with something like that. Breathing a sigh of relief, I pivoted, taking a different direction as I thought about where to hide.
My mind jumped to the idea of the roof first. If the maintenance key in my locker was still good, I could hang around up there, and no one would find me. It didn’t take long for me to talk myself out of that, though. If I got caught, that would assuredly violate my probation. Then I thought about the faculty parking lot, but I’d rather not deal with any teachers asking me why I’m there.
Whatever the case, being in the mostly empty hallway was the worst place for me. I wasn’t exactly hard to spot in a crowd, so being out in the open was exceptionally dangerous.
“Hey!” A voice erupted from behind.
Every muscle in my body tensed up at once. Hearing that voice gave me an intense sensation of déjà vu. Their tone, the location, how far away they sounded—it was like being thrown back in time. I didn’t have to look to see who it was, but I slowly swiveled around in place anyway. My stomach lurched as our gazes met.
“I’ve been looking for you all day!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Where were you this morning?”
My mouth tried to settle on a syllable, but my voice couldn’t provide a sound for any of them. As my heart began to race, my mind followed suit. I began running through a mental map of the school, trying to settle on some place to run and hide. Without even thinking about where I was headed, I took off down one of the hallways.
“Hey, wait!” she cried out. “Come back!”
I didn’t have to turn around to know she was chasing after me. Her footsteps were just as loud as mine as we launched our chase through the mostly empty halls of CHS. Sometimes, I would look like I was running down one hallway just to dart down another. Without turning around, there was no way to tell if it was an effective strategy.
“Wait! Stop!”
There was a smart quip in response to that somewhere in the depths of my mind, but I just kept running. My throat felt like it was swelling as the chase continued. My body was burning through energy it didn’t have. All I had to keep me going were fumes and the adrenaline running through me. It was a miracle I was able to outrun the fastest person in the entire school, but I didn’t want to question it.
But as that thought entered my head, doubt began to set in. I hadn’t looked back since we started running, but her footsteps always sounded the same distance away. What if she was slowly gaining on me? Unable to quiet my curiosity, I turned my neck just to see she was trailing right behind. She made it look so effortless—as if she could catch up to me at any time without breaking a sweat.
“Go away!” I screamed. “Leave me alone!”
Turning my head forward, we both made a sharp turn down a corridor. After our sudden change of direction, I spotted a couple of students chatting in the hallway. Trying to escape from Rainbow Dash had me so panicked that I didn’t even register who the two were, but I had an awful idea, and no time to parse whether or not I should act on it. Dash was mere steps away from me when I made my decision.
“I just want to–”
That was all she managed to say before I acted. Without thinking, I reached out and grabbed one of the students, shoving them directly into Rainbow Dash to the best of my ability. I was moving so frantically, I didn’t even look to see if I made my mark. After the deed was done, I started running again.
The treads of my shoes squeaked against the floor as I hung another sharp turn. Without even realizing it, I’d run to a very familiar place—the bathroom I usually hid in during lunch. As I made it to the back wall of the room, I finally stopped. Immediately, I began to pant, wiping away the sweat from my brow as I tried to catch my breath. Hopefully, my diversion was enough to get Rainbow Dash off of my tail.
Of course, I could never be so lucky.
“What’s your fucking problem?” Dash barked upon entering the bathroom. “Why are you acting like this?”
My heart plummeted. Knowing I was cornered, I let out a sharp exhale. Either throwing someone into her did nothing to slow her down, or I missed her entirely. Now, not only did I have to face Dash, but whoever I just pushed would undoubtedly rat me out. That was just awesome. What’s another log in the fireplace when the whole house is burning?
For a few seconds, my only response was labored breathing. I couldn’t even look at her. Not only because I was bent over, holding myself up with my hands on my knees, but because I felt like if I did, I’d throw up.
“Please,” I sputtered, “just leave me alone.”
“Why? I’m just–”
“I know!” I snapped, raising my voice. “I already know, okay? I get it!”
Rainbow Dash looked flummoxed as she cocked her head back. “What are you–”
“I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you want? Will that make you go away?” I interrupted, still trying to fully catch my breath. Finally, I looked up at her, fear masked by my scowl. “I’ve already fucked things up for myself enough today. I know you’re giving up on me—all of you are. I’ve already figured that out. We don’t have to do this. Just leave me alone and we can both start moving on.”
Dash paused and took a step back. “Hold up, that’s not–”
Her attempts to placate me fell on deaf ears as I started to shout, my voice cracking as my volume increased. “Okay, fine! I’m sorry about yesterday! I’m sorry for trying to make you fight me last year! I’m sorry for making you and Fluttershy fight! I’m sorry for wasting yours and everyone else’s time! There! Now will you please fuck off and–”
“Holy shit, shut up already!” Dash exclaimed. “Would you just stop whining for five whole seconds and let me say something?” Rainbow Dash’s tone gave the impression she was angry, but the exasperated smile on her face left me perplexed as to how she actually felt.
As my breath finally caught up with me, the room was tense and silent. Then, after staring at each other for a brief eternity, Dash started to chuckle. Then, her chuckle turned into a full on chortle.
My eyes narrowed as I watched her fall into a laughing fit. How was I supposed to react to this? Should I have been more pissed off or confused? What part of this could possibly be funny?
Maybe I wasn’t in any position to be angry, but that didn’t stop me from getting heated because of her reaction. My fists started shaking as my fingernails dug into my palms.
“What?” I finally asked. “What’s so funny?”
“This whole thing,” she answered, her amusement slowly dying down.
Angling my head slightly to the side, I kept squinting at her. “You think this is funny?”
“Yeah, it is,” she bluntly stated.
The candor of her response left me without a reply of my own. Once she finally regained her composure, she leaned back against the bathroom wall. Her mood seemed far less jovial than it was moments ago as she began to speak.
“Look, I’ve been meaning to talk to you since this morning. Not because anyone’s giving up on you or anything, though. I have no idea where you got that idea from. It’s because, well…” Her voice tapered off as she looked around the room.
Had it not been for the past hour of frenzy I’d been through, I might have been more patient.
“Then what is it?” I asked.
Dash sighed as she looked at me again. “I’m sorry, alright.”
My eyes went wide, then immediately narrowed again. “You’re… sorry?”
“What? Is it that hard to believe? Yes, I’m actually sorry.” She let a sharp exhale out of her nose.
I cocked my head back at the sudden aggression in her voice. “No! That’s not– I mean–” Stopping myself mid-sentence, I closed my eyes, taking in and letting out a deep breath. “Why?”
That must have been the wrong question to ask. Dash seemed even more offended than before. “Come on! Seriously? Can’t you just accept my apology?”
“It’s not that I don’t believe you!” I exclaimed. “I just really don’t understand why you’re sorry.”
“You and me both,” she muttered with a quiet chuckle.
Electing to ignore her snide remark, I explained my previous statement. “It was my fault things got so heated. If I had just left you alone instead of making a shitty comment like I did, none of that would have happened. I shouldn’t have brought up what happened last year, and I shouldn’t have tried to bait you into hitting me. So, if anything, I should be saying sorry to you.” Glancing at the floor for a moment, I looked back up at her. “So… I’m sorry.”
Dash’s eyes were wide for a few seconds until her face folded into a frown.
“I haven’t been giving you a fair chance,” she began. “We’re supposed to be friends, and every time you’ve tried to act like one, I’ve been a jerk to you. Especially yesterday. That wasn’t cool.”
She paused as she looked up at the ceiling. “I’m gonna be honest with you,” she continued, “I still don’t know if I like you, and I sure as shit still don’t trust you.”
What a shocking revelation.
“That’s not an excuse, though. The girls have been trying to give you a chance, and I’ve been such an asshole that it’s made it harder for them to do that. So, I’m sorry for that too.”
For the second time that day, I didn’t want to believe my ears. Once again, this was too good to be true. There was no way I was actually hearing any of this right. Something was wrong. If this wasn’t another nightmare, then she had an ulterior motive for doing this. After a few moments of processing, I finally came up with an answer.
“Fluttershy put you up to this, didn’t she?” I asked impulsively.
Dash tilted her head back down, immediately glowering at me as our gazes met again. “What? Come on! Why can’t you just–” She blinked, calming herself down from her momentary bout of frustration with a deep breath.
“No, I swear she didn’t,” she exhaled, trying her best to hide her irritation. “But... she is part of why I’m doing this.”
I gave her a half-lidded glare. “That doesn’t really help your case, you know.”
Dash groaned. “Fine! She’s the biggest reason I’m doing this!” she conceded. “Fluttershy is mad at me about yesterday and won’t talk to me, and I’m apologizing because I’m hoping this will make her get over it. But I swear she’s not the only reason I’m doing this.”
That didn’t make me any more confident about how genuine she was, but I paused before I responded. Even if her apology wasn’t totally sincere, she was at least honest about her motivation. And if she was actually willing to take a chance on me after what we’d been through, it was only fair I took a chance on her as well.
Before I had a chance to answer, Dash started to speak again.
“Fluttershy’s been my best friend for a long time, and she’s super important to me. I’ve been such an asshole to you because of how you used to treat us, but especially how you treated her. If I’ve been worse than normal, it’s because seeing you around her lately just makes me nervous. I don’t think I gotta explain why that is either.
“But Fluttershy sees something in you that I guess I can’t see. I don’t know what it is, but if it’s important to her, then it’s important to me, too. So why don’t we just try to start over? If you won’t do it for me, at least do it for her. We both owe her that much.”
Looking around the room, I pondered my response. Part of me wanted to argue that all Fluttershy saw in me was an opportunity to protect herself from my eventual wrath. But this conversation had gone on long enough, and I didn’t have the energy to keep at this for much longer.
The important part was that she and the rest of the girls weren’t giving up on me. Regardless of their motivations, if I accepted her truce, I wouldn’t have to be alone. That was all the reason I needed.
“Fine,” I surrendered. “Let’s start over.”
“Alright!” Dash exclaimed. The intensity of her reaction took me by surprise. “I promise you’re not gonna regret this.”
“Yes, that’s all well and good,” an annoyed voice spoke from around the corner of the bathroom’s entrance. “Now, would one of you be kind enough to explain to me why I had to get involved in your little chase?”
Long, luscious locks of purple entered the room, revealing the source of the irritated voice. That’s when I realized just who it was that I had tried to throw into Dash during our pursuit.
“Don’t look at me,” Rainbow Dash replied, pointing her thumb in my direction. “It was her.”
I smiled sheepishly at Rarity before looking off to the side. “Y-Yeah, that was me,” I stammered. “Sorry about that.”
To my surprise, she didn’t seem all that upset. In fact, when I looked back at her she was smiling sweetly. “It’s quite alright, darling. I’m not injured or anything. Luckily, there was someone nearby to catch me.”
“Good to hear,” I responded nervously.
“By the way, your aim sucks,” Dash remarked with a smirk. “You didn’t push her anywhere near me.”
I gave her a confused look in response. “If I didn’t push her toward you, then who caught Rarity?”
“Are y’all still hangin’ around in here?” As all of our heads turned toward the bathroom entrance, Applejack revealed herself. “I ain’t gonna wait much longer to go to lunch if y’all don’t quit makin’ out in the damn bathroom.”
“Hey!” Dash snapped, playfully punching AJ on the shoulder. “Fuck off with that.”
Rarity turned back to me, still grinning. “Does that answer your question?”
“I guess so,” I said, punctuated with an awkward chuckle.
“Come along, then,” Rarity said as she made her way to the exit. “I’m sure Pinkie and Fluttershy are starting to worry about us.”
After that, we all made our departure from the secluded bathroom. Making our way through the halls, the three of them stood closer together ahead of me. As they talked amongst themselves, I couldn’t help but smile. Sure, I might have been left out of the conversation, but at that moment, I was fine with that.
For the first time since waking up yesterday, I felt hope. They weren’t giving up on me. They were still my friends. They wanted things to work out just as much as I wanted them to.
It was still hard to believe anything that had happened today. My punishment being lifted and Rainbow Dash apologizing to me were two of the last things I ever expected to happen—much less on the same day. There was a lingering feeling in the pit of my stomach that at any moment, all of this would melt away into the realm of nightmares once again.
But She was never that subtle. If this were going to become a nightmare, it would have happened by now. This was reality, and maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe, just maybe, things would get better.
With my work shift nearing its end, I reflected on what a weird, eventful, but ultimately disappointing day it had been.
Earlier this morning, I was sure today would end in disaster. The walls were closing in on me faster by the hour. The girls were going to leave me behind right after Dash kicked me while I was down. That was the conclusion I came to the night before, and for a time, I couldn’t have been convinced otherwise.
That was until Rainbow Dash chased me into the bathroom. While it was a harrowing pursuit, it ended on a hopeful note. She had actually apologized to me—something I would have never expected to happen, ever—and I got a chance to apologize to her as well. On top of that, Rarity and Applejack weren’t even upset that I unintentionally included them in our squabble. They just seemed happy we were able to settle things. I thought that, maybe, things were going to finally start going my way.
So when we walked to lunch together, I was optimistic. After such a climactic conversation, we were on the way to making major strides. We would sit down as a group, have a talk about everything that happened, and maybe we would all understand each other a little bit better at the end of it.
That was how I felt until after lunch. After our talk, my confidence in our future felt more or less the same as it did before yesterday. Maybe things weren’t as catastrophically bad as I initially thought, but it didn’t seem like anything would be different either. The results of our “discussion” (if you could even call it that) would have been dissatisfying regardless of my outlook going into it.
The conversation only lasted a few minutes. When I arrived at the table, I was the first one to apologize for fighting and stressing everyone out. Delivering that apology was nerve-wracking, so I almost felt offended when what I said hardly seemed to register with anyone. Dash followed with an apology of her own, though hers sounded less sincere than the one she offered me in the bathroom. Perhaps foolishly, I expected everyone to say their piece after that.
Instead, no one except Fluttershy had much to contribute, and what she said wasn’t that significant either. She was just happy to see we were going to try to get along, and that was it. That was to be expected, though. Fluttershy wasn’t much of a talker as it was, so of course she’d be short on words. Surely the rest of them would have had something to add, right?
Of course not. Everyone else just kind of nodded and moved on. The rest of our time at lunch felt like every other day, the only difference being that everyone was awkwardly trying to pretend the day before never happened. Just like that, it was all over. I felt so stupid for spending an entire night worrying myself to the point of total exhaustion over that.
Then again, I’m not really sure what I was expecting. For months, any time things got heated between me and Dash, the girls rarely ever intervened. Band practice last week was the only time I could remember anyone coming to my defense. Every other time, it was as if they expected things to work out on their own. As long as they refused to acknowledge what was happening, then the problem would just go away.
All in all, I felt like I was back at square one. It may have been day zero of our truce, but I wasn’t holding my breath for things to meaningfully change between me and Rainbow Dash anytime soon. When it came down to it, her apology was less motivated by a desire for forgiveness and more by a need to placate Fluttershy. She might have said that wasn’t her only reason, but I wasn’t sure how willing I was to believe that anymore.
Dash probably wouldn’t put forth any more effort beyond maintaining an image of peace between us. As long as things never got that tense between us again, her friendship with Fluttershy would be fine, the girls wouldn’t interfere when she treated me like dirt, and that would be good enough for her. Maybe I was being pessimistic, but I had an abundance of evidence to back my beliefs.
The events of the school day were still incessantly running through my mind as Skates and I finished up our closing duties. When I arrived at work this afternoon, I had hoped it would be busy enough to help me forget about it for a bit. Unfortunately, work was unusually slow for a Friday, and there wasn’t much to do for most of my shift. Ordinarily, I would be grateful, but today I needed something, anything, else for my brain to focus on.
With a sullen sigh, I continued to sweep the floor in the back room. If nothing else, there was only about half an hour left in my shift. It’s not like inner peace was waiting for me back home, but at least there I could distract myself with things I like to do. That was assuming I didn’t collapse from exhaustion the moment I got to my apartment.
The sound of the freezer door opening suddenly grabbed my attention. Skates had started organizing the freezer around the top of the hour, and I’d almost forgotten he was in there. He shivered as the large metal door slowly shut behind him, his pine-colored face splashed with pink from his time in the frigid storage room.
“Hey! You didn’t die!” I quipped.
“I know you’d be lost without me, but I was only in there for, what, twenty minutes?” Skates slipped himself out of the thick coat he was wearing, placing it on the hook next to the freezer. “Of course, I wouldn’t have taken so long if the openers did their fuckin’ jobs.”
“Come on, Skates. Be fair,” I appealed. “There were only two people on the schedule for the shift before us. They probably just couldn’t get around to it.”
“Yeah, I know,” he said, breathing on his cold hands as he rubbed them together. “That’s not gonna stop me from bitching about it.”
I smirked at him. “You could always try bringing that up with Fish Fry,” I jokingly suggested. “I’m sure he’d be willing to hire more than just a skeleton crew for the first shift.”
“Great idea!” Skates sarcastically exclaimed. “After all, I’m sure Fry isn’t just trying to cut corners by hiring as few people as he can get away with. That doesn’t sound like something he’d do at all!”
“Oh, absolutely not,” I agreed. “With how well he pays us, we should be willing to do two jobs at once.”
“Now you’re getting it!” He rolled his eyes, tying his long olive hair back into the bun he usually kept it in. “Though, now that I think about it, I might have better luck convincing all the dead fish in the freezer to organize their own containers.”
Our playful commiseration gave us both a good laugh. Afterwards, I looked back down and continued to sweep. Skates carefully walked by me as he made his way over to the back room computer sitting atop a nearby desk. That’s where he typically spent the remainder of our closing shifts together. It was always his favorite part of the night, and I could tell simply by the fact that he didn’t have to get up and do anything else until we had to leave.
For a few minutes, the only sounds that could be heard were the broom bristles brushing the ground, the click-clacks of a keyboard and mouse, and the gentle ambience of the mall bleeding through the doorway to the back room. A typical end to a typical closing shift. Usually, I appreciated this kind of atmosphere, but it wasn’t long before today’s events crept back into the forefront of my mind. Tonight, the quiet was more maddening than it was peaceful.
Thankfully, Skates broke the silence before I had a chance to descend too deep into another thought spiral.
“So, Shimmy. What was so important that you had to leave me hangin’ Wednesday?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the screen.
“Huh?” Having been too distracted to parse his words right away, my brain managed to put together what he said before he could repeat himself. “Oh, it was nothing. I just wasn’t feeling that great, that’s all.” I didn’t want to lie, but I couldn’t think of a better excuse, and the true reason wasn’t his business anyways.
“That’s all, huh? I thought ‘something came up.’ So what happened to that?” he asked, a hint of playful suspicion in his voice.
Even if his tone was friendly, I still wasn’t willing to budge. Skates might be my favorite coworker, but I still made an effort not to talk about my life outside of work.
“What’s it matter? You gonna rat me out?” I didn’t really expect him to, but I was hoping that rebuff would have him take a hint.
“Aww, come on Shimmy. You know I wouldn’t do that.”
“Then why do you want to know my business so bad?”
Skates let out an exasperated exhale. “Jeez, I’m just tryin’ to make conversation.”
Before I could go back to sweeping, he turned away from the computer screen, a smile accompanied by an uncharacteristically concerned look in his eyes. “Besides, I’m a little worried about you, you know? You’re usually pretty quiet, but you’ve been real quiet today. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”
Once again, I felt compelled to shut him out, but before I could muster up a response, guilt began to set in. Not only was he concerned about me, but he had just taken a huge risk on my behalf a couple of days ago, even after he initially said no.
Yet here I was, giving him the cold shoulder like he was any other coworker. After everything he’d done for me, that wasn’t fair. As much as I wanted to keep my work and personal life separate, I owed him at least some kind of explanation.
“Look, you don’t gotta tell me if you don’t wanna, but we got another thirty minutes before we can clear outta here, so at least help me kill some time.”
Despite his offer to talk about something else, I resolved to answer his original question.
Glancing over to the side momentarily, I looked back at him and began to speak. “A friend of mine needed a ride, and after I dropped them off they asked if I wanted to hang out. So I decided to stick around and spend some time with them.”
A smirk spread across Skates face as he leaned back in the computer chair. “Ahh, I see. So what’s his name?”
“It’s not like that.” I answered, making it clear I was unamused.
His sly grin widened. “Oh, my bad. What’s her name?”
For some reason, my cheeks felt warm upon hearing that question.
“If this is how you’re gonna be, we’re done talking for the rest of this shift.” I snapped.
His smile faded as he held up his hands defensively. “Alright, chill, chill. I get it; it’s not like that. What all did y’all do, though?”
“Not much.” Looking down again, I continued sweeping. “She volunteers at an animal shelter, and she asked if I wanted to help out, so that’s what we did.”
He raised his eyebrows as he nodded. “I gotta be real, that is not what I expected to hear.”
“Really? And just what did you expect to hear?”
“I dunno. I guess it’s kinda hard to imagine you working at an animal shelter. You just don’t seem like the type.”
“What? Do I seem more like the puppy-kicking type to you?”
Looking off to the side, his playful grin returned. “Hey, your words, not mine.”
I glared back at him, my expression turned sour. “Go to hell.”
Skates giggled to himself, idly rocking back and forth in his seat with his hands behind his head. “Nah, but for real. That’s just a weird reason to miss work. I’m not trying to imply nothing, but that girl must be hella special if that’s why you took the risk we took just to spend time with her.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I remarked softly.
The room went quiet for a few moments afterwards. Content to leave the conversation at that, I went to sweep another part of the back room. I didn’t look at Skates, but I could tell his eyes were following me as I walked past his desk.
Eventually, he broke the momentary silence with a scoff. “Well? Come on, Shimmy! You can’t just leave it at that. Gimme deets!”
“You asked why I was out, and I gave you an answer,” I asserted, squinting at him.
“I know, but we still got time to kill, and unless you want me to assume it actually is ‘like that,’ you gotta give me something to work with.”
I groaned. “You’re the worst, you know that?”
“So I’ve been told. But hey, if you tell me more, I’ll make it worth your while.”
For some reason, he seemed completely unwilling to let this go. Unsure of why he was so desperate to know or how he would make good on that promise, I resigned myself to answering yet another one of his questions. With a deep sigh, I propped the broom up against a nearby wall and sat down on one of the many plastic containers strewn about the back room.
For a few moments, my mind scrambled to come up with a way to tell the story. As much as I’d rather just be upfront with him, I didn’t quite feel like touching on how I used to be. I got enough reminders of my past at school, and the last thing I needed was my coworkers learning about it too.
“Well, up until this fall, me and this girl really didn’t like each other. Then, one night, we sorta talked things out, and I’ve been trying to do what I can to get along with her since. It’s just… things have been kinda weird.”
Skates looked confused. It was as if he hadn’t expected my explanation to go this way. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees with his hands clasped together. “Weird how?”
Biting my thumb, my eyes darted around the room as I thought about how to follow up.
“I just get the feeling she’s only being nice because she’s afraid of me. When we used to fight, I was really mean to her. Like, really mean. So I feel like she’s just trying to make sure that, if we do get in another fight, I won’t hurt her this time.” I paused to let out a hushed exhale. “Like insurance…”
“I see,” Skates replied. “So if you two did get into a fight, do you think you’re gonna hurt her again?”
Before an answer could leave my mouth, I hesitated. That was a question I’d asked myself many times before, but it felt different hearing it from a voice outside of my own head.
“I don’t want to, no.” Looking down at the floor, I rubbed the back of my head. “To be honest, I still feel really guilty about how I treated her.”
“So then, what’s the problem?”
Our eyes met once again as I shot him a perplexed look. “What do you mean?”
Skates leaned back in his chair again. “Let’s say you’re right—this girl is just trying to be nice for insurance or whatever—why does that matter? As long as both of you are playing nice, why worry about why she’s being nice and shit? Why worry about what might happen? Why not just focus on the here and now?”
“Because I–” Those words escaped before I had actually thought of a proper response. After a brief pause, I settled on the only thing I could think of. “It’s complicated.”
He nodded, looking at me as if he was waiting for me to explain further. When I didn’t follow up with anything, Skates spoke up once more.
“Look, I know there’s probably way more to this than what you’re telling me, but you want my advice?”
If I were to be honest, I would have immediately said no. His advice probably couldn’t be that relevant considering how little he knew. More than anything, I just wanted to stop this whole conversation. But if I did, he’d probably continue to prod until I opened up again.
“Sure, go for it,” I reluctantly accepted.
“Go with the flow.”
Expecting more than just those four words, I waited for a few seconds before responding. When he didn’t say anything else, I gave him an incredulous look. “Go with the flow?”
“Go with the flow,” he repeated. “Stop thinking about how things might go, and just let things happen as they do. Don’t try to prepare yourself for anything, just react to things when they happen. Like, yeah, it sucks that she’s still afraid of you, but there’s nothing you can really do about that if your history sucks as bad as you say it does. You both keep getting along, though, and she’s probably not gonna feel that way forever.
“You don’t know if y’all are gonna start fighting again, and even if you do, it’s not gonna happen the way you think it will. You keep stressing over it, though, and you might end up making something bad happen by accident.”
My jaw hung slightly agape as I processed his words. It’s not like I thought Skates was dumb, but I didn’t expect an answer like that to come from him of all people. It was kind of shocking.
It was equally irritating as well. He was as relaxed as he was confident in his solution, and that frustrated me. Not because I thought he was wrong—quite the opposite, actually. Skates knew so little about my situation and how complicated it truly was, yet I found it impossible to argue with his assessment. Was I too stressed and sleep-deprived to come up with a decent rebuttal, or was his response right?
Either way, even if his view of the situation was limited by what he didn’t know and what I hadn’t told him, that really did seem like the most clear-cut answer. Part of me wanted to believe I was giving in so this conversation would end, but I knew it was also because there was truth in his words.
“I guess you’re right,” I replied.
“Of course I’m right,” he remarked, leaning back in his chair. “I said it.”
My lips curled into a half-smirk as I rolled my eyes at him. “I just hope you have more wisdom than modesty.”
Skates frowned as he put his hand on his heart, acting as if he were offended. “Unbelievable!” he exclaimed. “And here I was about to let you go for the night.”
“What?” I stood up from the container I sat on. “Come on, that’s just dirty.”
Skates grinned and laughed. “I’m just fuckin’ with you, Shimmy. Get outta here, I’ll clock you out.”
“Thanks, Skates. You’re the best!”
“Don’t I know it, babe,” he replied.
As I made my way to the exit, I stopped myself at the doorway and turned to face him again. “And thanks for the talk. I needed that.”
He kept his smile, but a subtle shift in his face told me it was genuine rather than playful. “I do what I can,” he responded. I departed as he turned his attention back to the work computer.
It was a small gesture, but getting to leave even just twenty minutes early was a relief. As much as I liked talking to Skates, I really didn’t want to discuss my situation any more than I already had. Before his generous dismissal, it was a choice between that or sitting there in silence for the remainder of my shift, so having to choose neither of those was a welcome alternative.
Before leaving the restaurant, I grabbed a paper cup from behind the counter and filled it with soda. If I was going to drive home without passing out, I’d need a little bit of caffeine in me.
As I made my way out of the mall through the sparsely populated food court, a familiar voice brought me to a sudden halt.
“Sunset Shimmer? What on earth are you wearing?”
Whipping my head around, my eyes met with Rarity’s. In her arms were two bags, both filled to the top with what looked like clothes and piles of various fabrics.
“Nice to see you, too, Rarity,” I shot back with a deadpan glare.
She smiled nervously. “Apologies, I didn’t mean to offend, darling. It’s just that what you’re wearing is far from your usual attire.”
For a moment, I attempted to think of a decent lie as to why I was wearing my uniform. Unfortunately, my brain was almost completely out of juice, and even if it wasn’t, I doubt I could come up with anything believable. As much as I didn’t want anyone at school to know where I worked—including my friends—I saw no way to avoid telling her without being rude.
“That’s because it’s my work uniform,” I answered, pointing my thumb over my shoulder behind me. “I work at the sushi place with the dumb name over there.”
She looked behind me, then back to me. “Strange,” she replied. “As many times as I’ve been to this mall, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that establishment.”
“Yeah, go figure,” I flatly responded. “Anyway, I’m going home now.”
Before I could even turn around, Rarity stopped me. “Actually, since you’re here, I was hoping you wouldn’t mind chatting with me for a little while?”
My first instinct was to just say “no” and walk away, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Sure, I probably could have said I was too tired to talk, but ironically, I didn’t even have the energy to do that.
“Fine, sure,” I begrudgingly answered. I walked over to a nearby table in the food court, placing my cup down and taking a seat. Rarity took the seat across from me.
“What do you want?” I said, trying my best not to sound as annoyed as I was.
“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” she replied. “You sounded quite frazzled during your talk with Rainbow Dash, and you were rather quiet after a certain point during lunch. Not to mention you look positively exhausted.”
“I’m fine.” I looked down at my hand as my fingers drummed against the table. “Haven’t slept in a day or so, but I’ll be alright. Nothing I haven’t been dealing with for a while.”
Rarity frowned. “Goodness, what’s kept you awake for so long?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t just not worry about it,” she contested. “You’re my friend, Sunset. Of course I’m going to worry.”
Hearing that was as nice as it was irritating. She was telling me she cared, and that felt nice. But how much did she actually care? My exhaustion wasn’t anything new, and it should have been plainly obvious considering the bags that had been under my eyes for weeks at this point. If she were truly concerned, she would have noticed way before now.
All that aside, I wasn’t willing to argue about that, nor was I willing to divulge the reasons for my chronic lack of sleep.
“Thanks, but really, I’ll be alright,” I deflected.
“Well, if you say so.” Rarity seemed unsatisfied with that answer, but I was thankful that she was relenting.
I thought about getting up and leaving after that, but as I finally looked back up at her, the expression she wore made me feel guilty. Even if this interaction was stilted, it was clear she was trying her best. Besides, I probably wouldn’t get very far before she roped me back into another conversation.
“So, you were eavesdropping during that whole thing in the bathroom, huh?” I asked. It didn’t occur to me how antagonistic that sounded until it left my lips.
“I don’t believe it’s fair to call that eavesdropping.” Despite how unintentionally snide my question was, she didn’t sound too offended. “May I remind you that it was you who ran up to me and threw me as you two sped by? After that, I had every right to know what was going on.”
Bashfully looking away for a moment, I lightly exhaled through my nose. “Fair enough, I guess.”
“Now, if you would please answer my question: how are you feeling?”
“Like I said, I’m fine. At least, as fine as I can be after a day as weird as this one.”
“That’s good to hear.” Rarity’s tone and body language gave me the impression she didn’t believe me. She shifted around uncomfortably in her seat. “I know I said this at lunch, but I am glad you two seem to have come to an understanding. Truthfully, I don’t agree with how Rainbow Dash has treated you these past few months, and I’m certainly not the only one who feels that way.”
My brow furrowed at that. Maybe that should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. It sounded like she was just trying to get on my good side, but given how long all of this had been going on and how little she, or anyone else got involved, it had the opposite effect.
“Could have fooled me,” I sardonically remarked.
Rarity looked back and forth before her eyes returned to mine. “Pardon?”
“I mean, it’s not like what’s happening between us is new,” I explained. “Like you said, we’ve been at this for months now, and she’s been acting like that the whole time. And yet hardly anyone ever says anything to her about it. The only thing different about this time is that it was impossible for you all to ignore like usual.”
As frustration built up in my tone, I stopped myself momentarily before continuing. Even if she hadn’t intervened much, Rarity didn’t deserve to be talked to this way. My expression softened as I let out an exasperated sigh.
“Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to fight you on this. It’s just that, after everything that’s happened, I don’t really know if I can believe that.”
“I suppose I understand why you feel that way, but it’s not like I don’t want to help, dear. It’s just…” Rarity grabbed her chin, looking down at the table as she thought of what to say next. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I rarely get the impression you want me to say anything. Or that you want any of us to step in, for that matter.”
My eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“Well, by the time I notice you two are butting heads once more, you’ve either handled it yourself, or you’ve walked out on us. And I’d rather not interject when my input would be unnecessary.”
For a few seconds, I just stared at her. I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t wrap my head around her excuse. Every time Dash and I went back and forth, every time she said some snarky bullshit, every time I had to back down before things escalated, I always felt like I looked weak and pathetic. How could she not see it that way? Was that really what she considered ‘handling it myself?’
“So is that your subtle way of saying you think I’ll bite your head off for coming to my defense?” I asked.
“N-No! Not at all,” she stuttered. “It just seems like you know when to quit. Admittedly, that’s something I find rather admirable.”
As much as I didn’t want it to, a wan smile spread across my face.
Rarity briefly smiled back before continuing. “Honestly, darling, I’m more afraid of Rainbow Dash’s reaction than yours. That, and I have a suspicion that Rainbow Dash is acting the way she does for a very… particular reason.”
“You think?” I asked. “She’s still mad about all the shit I did to you guys. I thought that’d be pretty obvious at this point.”
“Perhaps ostensibly, but I believe her feelings on the matter are far more complicated than that.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, come now,” she insisted. “You must have questioned her motives by now. Surely you don’t think she’d harbor a grudge like this for so long, do you?”
“Yeah, actually, I do,” I contended. “I tried to kill you guys. As far as reasons to hold a grudge, I’d say that’s probably the best one.”
Rarity looked off to the side with a tight lipped smile, shrugging one of her shoulders. “I suppose that’s fair.” Her eyes met mine once more, narrowing as they did. Her smile widened into a sly grin. “But haven’t you ever wondered if there’s anything else? Perhaps something she’s embarrassed to admit to anyone? Hmm?”
It was clear she was trying to play some kind of game with me, but I was in no mood for it.
“No,” I answered plainly. “In fact, she made that pretty clear yesterday.”
Her impish demeanor briefly faltered as she rolled her eyes, her shrewd grin returning moments later. “Well, I believe there’s a much deeper reason, and I believe you may be oblivious to all the signs in front of you. But fear not! I’m an expert on such matters.”
I picked up my cup, responding before taking a sip. “You’re losing me.”
“Oh for goodness’ sake,” she muttered, her volume suddenly increasing, “Rainbow Dash has a crush on you!”
Turning my head away from Rarity, I spit my drink all over the table next to us, the fizzy liquid burning my windpipe as I started to cough. Despite choking on the soda that had already gone down my throat, I tried to sputter out a response.
“Wh-What the fuck are you talking about?” I wheezed.
Rarity giggled at my volatile reaction before responding. “I understand your disbelief, but when you think about it, it’s the only thing that makes sense!” she emphatically proclaimed.
Grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table, I wiped my mouth off and began cleaning the mess off of the other table.
“That doesn’t make any sense at all, actually,” I responded, my voice still sounding slightly choked. “Who the hell acts like that towards someone they like? Besides, I don’t even know if she likes girls.”
Rarity didn’t say a word, but her doubtful smile and raised eyebrow were enough to convey her message.
“Okay, fine, so she probably does,” I conceded. “But still, even if she liked me—which she doesn’t—I don’t like her. At all. Also, why does this even matter? Why are you telling me this?”
“I merely wish to offer an alternative explanation for her hostility, as well as a reason why I’m hesitant to interfere,” she answered. “When it comes to matters such as these, I am never wrong.”
None of that did anything to make me feel better. If anything, it just pissed me off. If I weren’t so exhausted, I would have probably started raising my voice at her. Even if what she said was true, it was a bullshit excuse for not speaking up when Rainbow Dash treated me unfairly. However, with a deep breath, I took a moment to swallow the outrage mounting inside of me. As I let it out slowly, I found a response.
“So you don’t step in because you don’t want to hurt her feelings or whatever, but she can say and do anything to me and how I feel doesn’t matter. Am I hearing that right?”
“Wh– No, of course not!” Her face flushed as she stammered out her reply.
Fortunately for her, that thought was as far as I was going to take this argument. I was in no state to escalate things, even if I felt like I had the right to.
“Whatever. Is that everything? Or can I leave now?”
To my dismay, that wasn’t everything. “Just one more thing” she nervously replied. “Last I checked, you hadn’t responded in the group chat, but the girls and I have been planning our next sleepover. The current plan is to hold it at my house next week. Would you be interested in joining us?”
The reason I hadn’t said anything in their group chat was because I muted it over a month ago. The few times I had said anything in it, no one ever acknowledged it. That, and it made my phone go off constantly.
Naturally, I felt compelled to reject her offer at first. After today—and especially after this conversation—I was finding it hard to want to be around any of them. But maybe that was just the irritability from exhaustion. Maybe I could give a non-answer now, and decide based on how I felt after a little more rest; assuming I could get any.
“That all depends,” I replied, “when and what time? If it’s a weekend, I’ll probably have work.”
“We were thinking about either next Friday or Saturday, the latter being the more preferable option.”
Of course, the option that worked better for everyone else was the one that worked the least for me. If it was on a Saturday, that would mean I’d be showing up after an eight hour shift. Not only would I be tired from the inevitable lack of sleep, but also from working for so long that day. Whatever the case, I could answer without committing now, and decide later next week.
“I’m pretty sure I have work both of those days, but I’ll think about it and let you know when I can.”
Rarity smiled from ear to ear. “Excellent! Do let me know as soon as you can so I can make proper accommodations.”
“Right,” I answered in a lukewarm tone. “Now can I go?”
Still smiling, Rarity rolled her eyes. “You are dismissed.”
I tried to flash her a smile back, but I found myself only able to tighten my lips into an imitation of one. Thankfully, she didn’t seem fazed by my lack of enthusiasm. With that, both of us stood up from the table and began making our way out of the mall.
Walking away felt a little awkward. Not just because of our conversation, but because we took the same path out of the building after saying goodbye. That always felt weird. When we passed through the exit, we thankfully both went different directions in the parking lot. Her car was parked much closer to the entrance than my motorcycle was. In what felt like a few blinks of an eye, I was going through the motions of starting my bike up.
As I rode home, I pondered Rarity’s offer. It had been a little while since the last sleepover I attended. The last one was actually the first I had ever been to. It was held at Pinkie Pie’s right before our exams for that semester. It was just as uncomfortable as you would have imagined—everyone around me was having a good time, and at no point did I ever feel like I was a part of the fun.
Since then, I've turned down every offer to come to a sleepover. It wasn’t just because I didn’t want to feel out of place again – though that was certainly a big part of it—but it was also because I didn’t want me waking up from a nightmare to disturb the rest of them. During the last sleepover, I hadn’t awoken anyone else; the dream that night had been mercifully tame in comparison to some of the others. But would I be so lucky a second time?
Just the thought of that happening made me cringe. Rising up in the middle of the night screaming, my sleeping bag being soaked in sweat while I sat there, hyperventilating. Everyone would ask me what was wrong, and what would I be able to say to that? Even if I could come up with a lie, there’s no way they would believe me. There was only one reason why anyone would do that in the middle of the night.
Still, even with that in mind, going to the sleepover might be a good idea. I was frustrated at how today played out, and since it was all so fresh in my mind, it was swaying my verdict. We didn’t make the kind of progress I thought we should have made today, but that didn’t mean there was no progress. That didn’t mean I should stop trying to make progress all together. Regardless, I needed more time. There was much to consider before I made my decision.
But that decision would have to wait. Right now, there’s a bed in my apartment calling out for me.
Sometimes, I find myself missing certain qualities about my old self. There aren't a lot of them, and it's not a feeling I get very often, either. It’s just that, back then, things were so much simpler. Emotions were easier to deal with, and because of that, I was much happier than I’ve been in recent months.
Though, I guess it’s not exactly true to say I ‘dealt’ with them more easily; I just never dealt with most of them in general. Anger was the only exception just because it’s such a hard emotion to ignore, but everything else was always easy to shove into the back of my mind. Instead of letting myself feel certain things, I only let myself feel the things that made me feel good.
Unfortunately – or I guess fortunately, it’s hard to say which – ignoring the feelings of myself and others had ended in disaster on almost every occasion, and I couldn’t be that way anymore. It’s part of what landed me in the position I’m in now. Maybe that wouldn’t trouble me so much if not for the fact that I barely know how to deal with myself, and I seemingly wasn't making any progress towards figuring it out, either.
One of the wonderful parting gifts I received as a result of the Formal was something I’ve started to call emotional desync. On the rare occasion things are going well for me, I find it hard to react to that properly. It’s like my brain is a separate entity, and we are constantly at odds with each other. When I should be happy or hopeful, it tells me to feel anxious and wary of everything. It's like I’m just waiting for someone to pull the rug from underneath me at any moment, and the longer it takes for that to happen, the more afraid I am.
The higher I get, the longer the inevitable fall back to the bottom is, and the more grueling the climb back up becomes.
For the last week, that feeling has been incessant. On the exterior, things are better than they’ve been in a while – the girls have treated me less like a background character, Rainbow Dash has been less standoffish, and, tonight, I was headed to a sleepover they’d practically been begging me to come to – so what was there to worry about?
All things considered, I had more reasons to be optimistic than not. These were all signs of progress, but it was like they were coming too fast. Everything between us had been moving forward at a glacial pace until this week, but now we were full steam ahead. I found it hard to trust that.
On one hand, I knew my uneasiness was based on my personal history. Life since the Formal had made it abundantly clear that things aren’t supposed to work out like this; not for people like me, anyway. On the other hand, I knew the other reason I couldn’t bring myself to be happy about these recent developments: resentment.
Days, weeks, months of awkward, forced interactions between us, and suddenly they were all pretending like we’d all been friends forever, as though the past week – or the few months that preceded it – hadn’t happened. But they did happen. And yet it felt as though they were all trying to move on and forget about it as fast as they could.
But was it really fair of me to begrudge them for that? Shouldn’t I want to move on from that as fast as possible, too? There’s nothing they or I can do about our sordid past, so why shouldn’t I just live in the present and look forward to the future? I guess, for some inexplicable and stupid reason, I wasn’t as ready to move things forward as quickly as they were.
Part of my resentment also came from how hard they tried to convince me to come to this damn sleepover. All week long, the girls had very subtly tried to entice me into coming along to their slumber party. At lunch, they seemed to always make a point of talking about all the fun things they had planned, occasionally asking me for my thoughts on certain activities. In their defense, it made sense for them to talk about it then. It was one of the few times of the day all of us would be together, and they were all excited about it.
What irritated me was the fact that they tried to pester me outside of lunch, too. Sometimes, one of the girls would ‘randomly’ bump into me in the hallway and strike up a conversation – something they rarely ever did before last week – just to eventually pivot the discussion topic toward the impending slumber party. I’d nod along and say ‘yeah’ every now and then, but, in the end, my answer was always the same: maybe, but probably not.
The only thing more naked than their attempts to goad me into saying I’d come were their motivations. The message was clear: this was meant to be their big apology for everything. That wasn't inherently a bad thing, and I knew I should appreciate the sentiment, but it just made me bitter. I wanted to be included because they wanted to include me, not because they felt guilty.
Their hounding isn’t what finally won me over, though. Even being constantly, casually coerced wasn’t enough to make me cave. Had that been the extent of their attempts, I would have easily said no in the end.
But I didn't. Just as I was ready to tell them I wasn’t coming, Fluttershy found me before school ended one day. She didn’t try to emphasize how much fun it would be, she didn’t awkwardly try to get me to say whether or not I was going; she just plainly asked me if I was coming, and said she’d really like to see me there.
Had it not been for that, I would have flaked at the last second, just as I had planned. If only I had. I really wish I had. But, as has been the case multiple times in the past few weeks, I had committed myself to this, and I couldn’t turn back now. It’s not like I believed she’d actually be that happy if I showed up. I still wasn’t entirely convinced she was being nice to me for any other reason than security. But, even with that in mind, it felt like she was the only one being real with me. I couldn’t say no.
That’s how I ended up here: pulling up into Rarity’s driveway, a ball of ice sitting in the pit of my stomach as I killed my motorcycle’s engine. This was it.
Trying my hardest to clear the worries from my mind, I thought of Skates’s advice from last week. Go with the flow. Don’t worry about what might happen, and just let things happen. To his credit, that advice had proven mostly effective thus far, but tonight was a different story.
It’s easier not to worry about what bad things might happen when you’re not at a predisposition to make them happen. Two hours of sleep followed by a work shift four times that length had left me feeling like a shambling, irascible corpse. I had absolutely no patience for anyone or anything. All the conditions were perfect for me to snap or explode at someone who even looked at me funny. How could tonight not end in disaster?
Go with the flow, let things happen, don’t worry so much. Just repeat those things until I internalize them. Even if following that advice is going to be harder than trying to dribble a football.
With a deep sigh, I pulled my helmet off, placing it into the saddlebag before dismounting from my bike. My head swiveled around as I slowly made my way to Rarity’s front door. Rarity may not act like a rich snob, but she always gave off the impression of affluence, and the building she lived in and the ones that surrounded it proved that wasn’t just a front.
Even with how deliberately slow my paces were, I was at her front door before I knew it. I swallowed, sighed, and stretched my hand out to knock. Before I even had a chance to do so, however, the door swung open so fast I thought it might fly off the hinges. In the doorway before me was Pinkie Pie, practically vibrating with the widest smile I’d ever seen on her face – an impressive feat, considering how often she was smiling.
“Oh my gosh! Sunset! You’re here! I didn’t think you’d actually show up, but you're here!”
Despite my exhaustion and anxiety, I was going to try and smile back, but after hearing she didn’t even expect me to show up, I really didn’t feel like it.
“Hi, Pinkie,” I tepidly greeted. “Where’s Rarity?”
Pinkie took a deep breath before answering. “Rarity went to go pick up pizza but she told me to wait by the door in case you showed up, and I was like ‘but Rarity, I’m already doing something in the kitchen, I can’t be in two places at once’ and then she was like ‘darling, the front door is in the room next to the kitchen, just listen out for a knock’ and then I was like ‘but what if I don't get there in time and Sunset leaves before I answer?’ so she was like ‘oh my goodness just get Fluttershy to come help you or something, do you have to make this so difficult,’ and then I said–”
“Okay!” I snapped. “I get it. She’s not here. Can I come inside now?” Despite my irritable interruption, Pinkie seemed unfazed by my attitude.
“Of course, silly! Let me show you around!” she beamed.
Before I could manage to utter a response, Pinkie grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me inside the house.
Pinkie barreled down the hallway with me in tow. As we sped through the house, she hastily pointed out where everything was, but the breakneck speed at which she did made it impossible to understand anything. I wanted to tell her to slow down, but all my mental energy was spent on trying not to fall over every time she’d yank me forward. Her grip on my wrist was so tight I was afraid that, if I stumbled, my arm might make it to Rarity’s room without the rest of me.
The harrowing journey came to an end moments later, though the constant peril of nearly falling flat on my face made it feel so much longer than that.
“Here we are!” she exclaimed. “Welcome to Rarity’s room!”
Pinkie pushed the door open as if it were weightless, a loud slam following as it hit the wall. On the other side of the room, Applejack and Rainbow Dash were sitting in front of a haphazardly set up TV, playing a video game. Even with Pinkie’s explosive entrance, both of them were too focused to turn around.
“Girls! You’re never gonna believe who’s here!” Even though I was standing behind Pinkie, I narrowed my eyes, glaring at her. Was it really that hard for her to believe I’d actually keep my word about showing up?
“I hope it’s the pizza,” Dash replied, not bothering to turn around and face us. “Any longer and I might starve to death.”
“WRONG!” Her voice was so loud it made my ear ring for a brief moment. Then, she jerked my wrist again, pulling me forward and raising my hand up in the air. “It’s Sunset Shimmer!”
A chime rang from the video game as a pause screen came up. Rainbow Dash and Applejack finally turned around, both wearing a look of surprise as their eyes landed on me. Did everyone think I was just lying when I said I’d show? And was it really necessary for Pinkie to put me on the spot like this? Not even here for more than five minutes, and I already wanted to go home.
Applejack’s expression shifted into a friendly smile. “Well I’ll be! Glad you could make it, Sunset.”
“Thanks, glad to be here.” I flashed a weak smile back at her, hoping it would be enough to conceal how not-glad I really was.
“Aww man, way to go, Sunset,” Dash whined. “I owe Applejack twenty bucks because of you.”
Processing her complaint, I just stared blankly at her for a few moments. “You bet money I wasn’t gonna show up?”
Rainbow Dash looked away sheepishly. “W-Well, I mean, it’s not like that, it’s just–”
“Don’t pay her no mind,” Applejack interrupted, putting her hand on Dash’s head and mussing her hair. “Dash here’s good at a lotta things, but there ain’t nothin’ she’s better at than bein’ wrong.”
“Hey! I am not!” Dash cried out.
“I dunno,” Pinkie added. “I’ve only been in here one whole minute and you’ve been wrong twice now! That's two times a minute!”
Dash glared at her. “Whose side are you on?”
Pinkie looked at me, then back to Dash. “Sunset’s left!” she answered, punctuated with a giggle.
“That’s not– ugh, nevermind!” Dash surrendered.
"Don't matter whose side she's on," AJ smugly interjected. "Cough up, sugar cube."
As Applejack and Dash began to bicker back and forth about their wager, I tuned them out. The fact that Dash bet against me stung a little, but I quickly let it go. In the end, I couldn’t really be that upset. After all, I was pretty wishy-washy with my answer the whole week. Besides, AJ bet in my favor, so that meant someone believed in me, at least.
That brought me to another thought. Looking around the room, I quickly realized there was another person missing aside from Rarity.
“Where’s Fluttershy?” I asked.
Both Applejack and Dash had gone back to playing their game, leaving Pinkie as the only one who could answer the question.
“Oh, she was in the kitchen with me, but I think she went to the bathroom right before you showed up! She’ll probably come up here once she knows you’re here.” Pinkie pointed toward a pile of bags near the door. “Anyway, you can put your stuff there. Rarity should be back soon, but if you need anything, I’ll be in the kitchen. I’m making some special ice cream sandwiches with cookie dough ice cream between two double chocolate peanut butter cookies! You’re gonna LOVE them!”
Just as I was about to make a comment about how that sounded like a way to get both types of diabetes at once, Pinkie had already vanished.
Slipping my bag off my shoulders, I let it fall next to the pile of others. My head turned slowly as I took in everything in Rarity’s room. While I hadn’t seen it on the inside before, I knew it doubled as her personal studio. Even with that in mind, it was much larger than I imagined it would be.
Along the walls of the enormous room were many shelves and cupboards plus a couple sewing machines, all of differing sizes. There were a few dressers and desks around the room as well, each with stacks of fabric and other materials. What caught my eye more than all of that, however, was the back wall, where multiple mannequins were lined up, each posing in a different partially-finished outfit.
Just looking in that direction gave me the creeps. Even after being in a human body for a few years, I still found the way humans looked unsettlingly foreign, and the mannequins only managed to amplify all the things I found strange about the human form. That, plus the lack of any defining features on all of them deeply unnerved me.
Finally, my eyes fixed on Rarity’s bed. The headboard was practically buried in far more pillows than one person could ever need. The blanket on top was a mix of white, blue, and purple, with little gemstone designs toward the bottom. Everything Rarity owned seemed to be designed in a way that made it unmistakably hers. Even her cat, curled up in a ball and fast asleep at the foot of the bed, matched Rarity’s stylistic preferences. At first, I almost hadn’t noticed it. Its color scheme matched the bed closely – wearing a purple collar with blue gemstones in it, barely visible under tufts of long, white fur.
Looking at it reminded me of the day I worked at the shelter with Fluttershy. Of all the animals I worked with, cats were the ones I found the most enjoyable. They were soft, quiet, and usually pretty sweet. Thinking this one would be no different, I began to approach it.
Reaching out toward it slowly, I made a quiet kissing sound to get its attention. With its eyes creaking open, its ears perked up. It sniffed my hand, its cold, wet nose occasionally making contact with my skin. When it seemed finished, I extended my hand forward just a bit, attempting to pet it on the head.
That was a mistake.
The moment my fingers grazed the fur on the top of her head, the cat suddenly jumped to life. As it hopped up, it swatted with its sharp claws, leaving a slight cut across the top of my hand.
“Ow! What the fuck?” I yelped, quickly pulling my hand back.
The cat hissed, jumping off the bed and darting toward the open door. As I watched it run off, I noticed Fluttershy was standing in the doorway. She wore a sympathetic smile, presumably having just witnessed the cat attacking me.
Immediately, I began to worry that she might have thought I was antagonizing it. Before that idea could possibly settle in her mind, I vomited out an explanation.
“I-I swear I didn’t do anything to it,” I stammered. “I was just trying to pet it and it attacked me for no reason.”
Fluttershy blinked and giggled. “Oh, I know, don’t worry. Opal gets that way around most new people. She’s a very particular little kitty, but she can be sweet when she wants to be.”
Relief washed over me, followed by embarrassment, and another emotion I couldn’t quite describe. My cheeks felt warm as I smiled back at her. It felt nice that she didn’t automatically assume the worst.
Fluttershy approached me, grabbing and holding onto my hand in both of hers as she examined the cut on it. “It doesn’t look like she managed to cut you very deep, at least.”
“Yeah, it didn’t hurt that bad,” I replied. “Just caught me by surprise, that’s all.”
After that, she continued holding onto my hand, examining both sides of it for some reason. It left me in a very awkward position. I wasn’t really sure why she hadn’t let go yet considering the cut wasn’t all that big. Was there some other sign of injury she was looking for? Would it be rude of me to pull my hand away now?
As if she could detect my apprehension, Fluttershy looked up at me, her eyes widening as my hand quickly dropped from her grasp. “O-Oh, sorry.” She held both her hands behind her back, shifting around in place. “I was just checking to make sure it wasn’t inflamed or anything. Even little cat scratches can cause big problems if not treated carefully.”
That explanation seemed like a bit of a stretch considering the cut wasn't even deep enough to draw blood. Considering how much she worked with animals, I figured she would know what she’s talking about, so I didn't give it much thought beyond that. “It’s alright, doc. I appreciate the diagnosis,” I ribbed.
Fluttershy gave me a timid smile before she spoke up again. “Umm, I’m really glad you decided to come.”
Stifling an exasperated sigh, I let out a quiet exhale through my nose instead. “Jeez, none of you expected me to show up, huh?”
“Wha-no! I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just that–”
“Relax,” I interrupted. “To be honest, I wasn’t even sure if I was gonna come. So, even if you didn’t expect me to, I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
Her body relaxed, though her brow remained knit. “Well, I never doubted you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still happy to see you.”
“Never thought I’d hear you of all people say that.” I punctuated my reply with a hollow chuckle.
Fluttershy held her smile, but it seemed strained after that remark. My stomach twisted as I realized that probably wasn’t the best thing to say in response to someone being happy to see me. As always, I know just what to say and when.
“But I appreciate it, Fluttershy. That means a lot,” I said, attempting to save face. The strain in her expression seemed to dissipate after that.
Then we just stood awkwardly for a few moments. Neither of us seemed sure of what to say next, but eventually, she broke the pause between us.
“Well, I’m going to go see if Pinkie Pie needs any help in the kitchen. Be back soon!”
“Have fun,” I teased as she hurriedly made her way out of Rarity’s room.
A split second after Fluttershy was out of view, Dash suddenly yelled from across the room. “Yes! In your face!” Dash shouted, a victorious smirk spread across her face.
Applejack let out a sharp exhale as she dropped her controller. “Alright, I think I’ve had enough.”
“What? You can’t give up yet!” Dash argued. “You almost got me that round. One more match?”
“You said that the last eight rounds in a row. Either pick another game, or find someone else’s ass to beat.”
“Aww, come on, AJ! Just one more!” Dash pleaded. “Look, I’ll even choose a different character this time.”
“Forget it.” Shaking her head, AJ stood up from her spot on the floor. “You might be havin fun’, but losin’ over and over ain’t any fun to me.”
“Fine, be a sore loser!” Dash grabbed the controller, lifting the peripheral into the air as she did. “Anyone else think they got what it takes to break my win-streak?”
Soon, Dash realized there was only one other possible opponent in the room. As our gazes met, her eyes narrowed as her grin widened.
“How about you, Sunset?” she prodded.
Crossing my arms, I gave her a half-lidded stare. “Sorry, but I'm with Applejack on this one. I'm not sure if losing at a game I’ve never played before to someone who’s played it a bunch is my idea of a good time, either.”
Dash’s grin morphed into a wicked smirk. “Don’t be like that! The game isn’t that hard.”
I scoffed. “You’re just saying that because you know you’ll win.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “So what, you’re giving up before you even start? Are you that scared of losing at a video game?”
Part of me knew I should decline just to deny her the satisfaction of a possible victory, but she was challenging me, and Sunset Shimmer doesn’t walk away from a challenge.
“Come on, Sunny! I’ll even go easy on you,” she prodded.
That was pure provocation, but knowing that did nothing to quell my irritation. Narrowing my eyes, I quickly made my way over to the spot where Applejack was previously sitting. Perhaps only playing a handful of video games in my life made for a steep handicap, but I didn’t care. I was determined to make her regret taunting me.
Standing over her, I squinted as our eyes met once more. “First off: don’t call me Sunny. Ever.”
I snatched the controller from her hand. “Second: you’re on.”
Lowering myself to the floor, I sat cross-legged next to her. “And lastly: don’t you even think about going easy on me.”
“It’s your funeral,” she remarked, that same smug smile on her face.
Looking down at the controller, I tried my best to quickly examine it. It didn’t take long for me to realize I’d never seen this kind of controller before, so I was at even more of a disadvantage than I thought. Still, I was undeterred. Even if I had no energy, even if I didn’t know anything about this game, and even if I was more than likely about to get my ass handed to me, I would go down fighting until the bitter end.
After Dash pressed a few buttons on the controller, the screen displayed a grid full of characters. The variety of choices was almost overwhelming. Most of the fighters used their fists, but a few of them had weapons. Something about that confused me. Why would someone pick a fighter who didn’t have a weapon? In a fight between someone armed with just their fists versus someone with a six foot sword, I could only ever imagine the one with the weapon winning.
As we chose our characters, the game began loading. Dash leaned over, pointing at several of the buttons and explaining what each one did. Of course, she went so fast that I retained absolutely none of what she was saying. Maybe that was because I was so tired, or maybe she did it on purpose, but that was okay either way. Knowing the buttons would do me no good until I realized how it felt to use them in game.
Once the round started, I quickly began mashing all of the buttons in a row to find out what each one of them did. Some of them caused my character to punch, others caused him to kick, but I had little time to experiment beyond that. For the first part of the fight, Rainbow Dash occasionally smacked me around while I tried to figure out what button or combination of buttons I had to hit to bring out the sword. It wasn't long before she got bored of waiting and started attacking me full force.
Eventually, after Dash had brought my character down to half health, I figured out how to equip the sword. The moment I did is when the battle truly began. She continued to play aggressively, trying to back me into a corner, and when she did I would turtle for as long as she sustained her flurry of strikes. Then, when I found an opening, I began to press each of the attack buttons in specific orders, waiting for one attack to finish before pressing the next one, chaining the attacks together.
Unfortunately, because it took me so long to figure out how to use the sword, Dash managed to take the first round. That said, she didn’t do it without taking a fair amount of damage herself. Looking over at her, I expected her arrogance to be on full display, but it wasn’t. Instead, her face was unreadable as she intently stared at the screen, waiting for the next round to begin.
When the second round started, I quickly pulled out the sword and stuck with it. Playing passively at first, I analyzed Rainbow Dash’s patterns, trying to figure out what move combinations she relied on most. This resulted in me soaking up a ton of damage again, and it wasn’t long before she managed to break through my defenses and put my character down for the count. The first match went to her, but I wasn’t upset. Now that I’d felt out how to play the game, the next match would be the one that mattered.
“Aren’t you going to even try?” Dash looked over at me with that shit-eating smirk she shot at AJ earlier. Her words did little to shake my resolve. Considering how focused she looked between rounds, I was more of a challenge than she anticipated. She was just trying to intimidate me, and I wasn’t having it.
“You’ll see,” I softly remarked. Little did she know I knew what to expect from her. Her pride would be her downfall.
After we both chose the same characters as before, the game loaded up into a new arena. Taking a deep breath, I prepared myself for the next round, exhaling as I leaned forward, focusing hard on the TV in front of us.
Once again, Rainbow Dash opened with an aggressive combination of attacks. Thinking back to the last round, I quickly figured out exactly what pattern she was going for, blocking every single hit. When I found my opening, I began rushing her down with moves of my own. The speed at which my character swung his massive sword was painfully slow, but when it hit, it hit hard. Getting caught in a single combo was enough to take a third of her health away. My health bar, however, was still relatively full.
As the fight continued, I could hear Dash occasionally grunting and exhaling. Hearing that bolstered my confidence. She seemed so relaxed when it was her against Applejack, but with me, she had to try. I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when I swiped victory from underneath her.
The longer the fight went on, the more I began to recognize her fighting patterns. There were only a handful of attack combinations she knew, and she would constantly rely on those. The hardest part was identifying what those patterns were, and after a while that wasn’t very difficult at all. Eventually, I learned to identify them so well that I could counter her attacks and launch into my own attacks immediately after.
It wasn’t long before the first round was decided. Dash growled in frustration as her character fell to the ground. My second match ever, and I was halfway to sweet, sweet victory.
“You got lucky,” she muttered. Instead of responding, I kept my focus on the TV, my fingers ready to hammer away at the buttons the very second the game allowed me to.
Unfortunately, the second round didn’t go as well. While I had started learning her patterns, she’d also been paying attention to my own habits. Once I noticed I was relying on certain attacks and getting countered, I switched them up. Sometimes, I would change attack combinations in the middle, or stop attacking all together just to throw her off. It was too little too late, however, and as my character face-planted, the second round went to her.
“Like I said: lucky,” she taunted. Once again, I ignored her.
Match point. We were both determined to win this by any means necessary, and the intensity at which we both stared at the screen proved that. Going through the motions at the beginning of the fight, I quickly realized we were almost evenly matched.
All of the rounds thus far had been quick, but this one felt like it was going on for an eternity. Just when it looked like one of us was going to beat the other into submission, the other would counter, and the tide of battle would shift. It was back and forth for the entirety of the round, with neither of us favored to win at any point.
As our health bars steadily dwindled, my heartbeat grew louder and louder. It was coming down to the wire, and soon the victor would be decided. Sweat dripped down my brow as I focused as hard as I possibly could, trying my best to play defensively while still being aggressive when I had an opening. Every mistake Dash made would be followed with a thorough punishment, but as my nerves continued to mount, my own mistakes did not go unpunished.
Finally, with only twenty seconds left on the timer, we were both down to our last sliver of health. Whoever landed a hit first would decide the entire match. The pressure was on. There was no more room to be defensive, I was going to get the last strike and win. Dash went into this expecting yet another easy victory, and I'd denied her the satisfaction of totally stomping me. Even if I lost, I could be proud of that.
But as my character ran toward hers, I felt something hit my shoulder. Before I could register what it was, my body was falling sideways, the controller slipping out of my hands as I suddenly became very intimate with the carpeted floor. When I regained my equilibrium and grabbed the controller once more, I looked up at the TV screen. My fighter was down for the count. In those few seconds between the shove and landing on the ground, Rainbow Dash had swiped victory from underneath me.
Pushing myself up from the floor, I glowered at Rainbow Dash. I wanted to shout at her, but if I were to properly express how enraged I was, everyone in the house would have heard me. “What the fuck was that?”
Rainbow Dash looked at me, feigning confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“You just knocked me over when I was about to beat you!”
“No you weren’t.”
“Yes, you did!”
Dash chuckled. “I didn’t say I didn’t knock you over. I just said you weren’t about to beat me.”
If looks could kill, the death glare I shot her after that would have vaporized her. And yet, as my eyes bore into her, she held that smug grin, completely unbothered by how livid I knew I looked.
Eventually, her attitude finally faltered. “Jeez, lighten up, will you? It’s just a stupid game.”
It was like she tried to think of the worst thing to say to me at that moment. Yeah, it was just a stupid game, but that wasn’t the part that pissed me off, and she knew that. She had to be screwing with me.
What made me so upset was the fact that she did something so underhanded to ensure her victory. It was the fact that she probably wouldn’t have done that to any of the other girls. It was the fact that, at the end of all of it all, she’d made this personal just to pretend that it wasn’t. All because she couldn’t stand the idea of me winning against her in a ‘stupid game.’
Just as several expletives were about to erupt from my throat, Applejack piped up from behind. “Come on, Dash, you can’t be sayin’ ‘it’s a stupid game’ after pullin’ some shit like that. That ain’t fair and you know it.”
Applejack had been watching us, though I couldn’t tell how long she’d been standing there. Both of us were so focused on the game that we hadn’t even noticed she was spectating.
“What can I say?” Dash shrugged. “I get competitive sometimes.”
Applejack and Dash started to banter back and forth again. My eyes were following the conversation, but their words eventually became white noise.
Suddenly, this felt like such a stupid thing to be angry about, but the fact that this happened at all was stupid in itself. Even if this was just an example of her ‘competitive nature,’ shouldn’t she be trying to avoid doing things like this? Things that anyone could rightfully call her an asshole for? Things that would undoubtedly stoke the lingering tension between us specifically?
My thoughts were soon interrupted as Applejack turned her attention to me, snapping me out of my momentary stupor.
“Sorry about Dash here, Sunset. It ain’t nothin’ personal. She does this kinda shit to us all the time. If I’m ever about to beat her, she’ll turn off the console or somethin’ just so I don’t.”
“I do not!”
Instead of verbally disagreeing with her, AJ shot Dash a glare. The tension between them became thick, and after what felt like an entire silent argument happening in front of me, Dash let out a defeated sigh.
“Okay, fine,” she surrendered. “AJ’s right, that was really uncool of me. Honestly, it was just an impulse, but I’m sorry about that, Sunset. No hard feelings, right?”
Yes, hard feelings, actually. It didn't matter how genuine her apology sounded, I was too mad to care. Even if what she did wasn’t personal, how could I see it any other way? I was still just as upset as before, but now I felt even more stupid. Like I shouldn’t be angry about it because I should have known she wasn’t doing that just to get under my skin. Like it was my fault I was feeling like this.
What did it matter if she did this to everyone else, anyway? It was as shitty of a thing to do to me as it would be to anyone. If any of the other girls got as mad at her as I was, I wouldn’t have blamed them. But no, it’s just yet another case of ‘Dash being Dash.’ This was just normal to everyone, so that meant it had to be normal to me, too. And if it wasn’t, then it was a problem with me – not her.
The anger inside of me couldn't decide whether it should direct itself at me or her. It just kept compounding the more and more I thought about it.
“Uhh, Sunset? You good?” Applejack’s voice once again snapped me out of my internal fit.
Shaking my head very slightly, I tried my best to mask how I really felt. “Yeah, I, umm… I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick,” I flatly replied.
As I stood up from the floor, I could tell their eyes were following me. And while I may not have looked at either of them directly, I could feel the concerned looks on their faces, and it just made me ill.
Ignoring the both of them, I made my way out of Rarity’s bedroom. I wanted to try to hide all the negativity I felt, but I could tell it was on full display for both of them. Still, I wasn’t going to make this any bigger than it needed to be. At least not something as stupid and inconsequential as Dash cheating to win at a video game.
Eventually, I found my way into Rarity’s bathroom, closing the door and locking it behind me. It’s not like I expected anyone to try and enter while I was in there, but I did it for my own peace of mind. It was as if I was emphasizing to myself how bad I wanted to be alone.
Resting my hands flat against the bathroom counter, I looked at my own reflection. An empty smile spread across my face as my eyes met my own. A familiar sentence flashed through my head – one I hadn’t thought about in a couple weeks – which pushed its way out of my mouth.
“No one said this friendship thing would be easy,” I muttered, almost as if I was mocking myself. Immediately after those words left my lips, what little mirth that was in my expression disappeared.
What part of this wasn't easy, anyway? On the surface, nothing, really. Rainbow Dash didn’t do what she did because of any personal grievances; she just did that with everyone. Not only that, but Applejack actually stepped in and said something before things could escalate. All in all, this was a pretty easy to handle confrontation – easier than most that had come before it – and yet I couldn’t help but be bitter.
Not just at Dash for shoving me, but at AJ for apologizing on Dash’s behalf. It wasn’t even her apology that bothered me. It was both the fact that she felt the need to, and that she excused Dash’s behavior. Just because everyone else let it go, that meant I was expected to as well. What a load of shit.
Turning the faucet handle, I let the water run for a few seconds until it got nice and cold. Once the water was cool enough, I splashed my face with it. It did little to quell my frustration, and even less to make me feel more awake, but it helped nonetheless. I had a feeling this wasn’t the last time I’d be in here doing this before the night ended.
But I couldn’t afford to linger. If I was gone for too long, that would raise questions. If I stayed too long, it wouldn’t have been long after I left that the rest of the girls were informed about it, and then they’d all be worried. Every minute I put off going back would make my return that much more awkward. With a deep breath, I shut the faucet off and turned toward the exit.
Reaching for the handle, my hand suddenly came to a halt as I heard a noise on the other side of the door. It was like someone was quickly swiping their nails against the wood near the floor. At first, I didn’t know what to think. Was it someone checking if the bathroom was occupied? If so, what kind of weirdo scratches on the bottom of a door instead of knocking? I may be an extradimensional pony, but even I knew that was not normal human behavior.
As I opened the door, I quickly realized it was because there was no normal human behind on the other side. In fact, there was no human at all. It was Rarity’s cat, who swiftly rushed into the bathroom the moment the door was open wide enough for it to slip inside.
Expecting it to hiss and swat at me again, I jumped out of its way. It didn’t seem all that concerned with me, though. Instead, it looked up at the sink, shook its rear-end a couple times, and gracefully hopped up onto the bathroom counter. Once there, the cat began to rub its face against the faucet.
Then it turned to me, its eyes big and wide as it let out the most meek, pitiful-sounding meow I’d ever heard – a far cry from the sharp hiss she greeted me with when we first met. Thinking it wanted attention, I reached my hand out and tried to pet its head. When my fingers got too close, it swatted them away. Its claws were withdrawn this time, but it still made it known that it wasn’t in the mood for affection.
It was acting like it wanted me to do something – that much I could tell – but any time I got close to it, it would swipe at me again. I just kept watching it go back and forth between the sink and the edge of the counter. What was wrong with this cat? Why did it seem to have less of an idea of what it wanted than I did? Was it broken? Should I call Fluttershy to come over it and fix it or whatever?
After watching the cat for a little longer, my brain hatched an idea. The cat would bounce between mewling and rubbing her face against the faucet. Maybe she was trying to get me to turn the faucet on so it could take a drink? Without any other ideas, I inched my hand forward and turned the faucet handle slowly, a weak but steady stream making a gentle splash in the sink.
The moment the water started running, the cat leaned forward into the sink, lapping at the running water. The riddle had been solved.
Something about watching this cat was fascinating to me. It just kept drinking and drinking, almost as if it hadn’t drank anything in days. Reaching my hands out to it, I gently stroked the back of its neck. To my surprise, it didn’t seem fazed by my touch. It just kept drinking as if I weren’t even there.
Finally, after several minutes, Opal had her fill. Turning the faucet back off, I noticed the cat hadn’t jumped off the counter yet. Rather, it started rubbing its face against my hand before I could pull it away from the faucet handle. I was still for a moment, thinking now would be the time it would swat or bite my hand. But no, she just kept rubbing her face against it.
Then I remembered Fluttershy’s advice from when we worked at the shelter. If you’re going to pet a cat, do it gently, stroke in a single direction, and let it show you where it wants to be stroked. Slowly, I ran my fingers from her cheek to her neck, shocked to see it not only appreciated the gesture, but that it was leaning into it as well.
I kept my hand in the same position while the cat walked all around it. Opal would get into one position, and I’d gently run my fingers along her fluff, and she’d continue happily purring away as I did so. If I were to stop petting her, she would headbutt my palm as if to tell me she would decide when it was time for me to stop. A smile spread across my face as we continued this pattern for several minutes. I just couldn’t stop myself. She was so soft and sweet. It was hard to believe this was the same cat who’d given me such a nasty welcome when I arrived.
“I told you she was sweet.” Fluttershy was standing outside the bathroom door. “You just have to let her show you how she wants to be handled.”
“I guess you’re right,” I admitted as I continued to gently stroke Opal’s head. “Really could have done without the scratching and hissing, though.”
Fluttershy giggled as she took a few steps into the bathroom, reaching her hand out to the cat as well. “Don’t be too upset with her. She didn’t mean it, she's just frightened by new people.”
Opal stepped away from my hand, choosing to rub her face all over the one she was undoubtedly more familiar with.
“Don't worry, I wouldn't hold a grudge over something like that. She’s just a cat." I gently ran my hand down the length of Opal's back. "Besides, my hand will heal eventually and I’ll get over it. We just got off to a bad start, that’s all.”
Fluttershy slowly turned to face me, a knowing smile spread across her face. Confused as to why she was looking at me like that, my eyes darted to the side momentarily before they met hers again. “…What?”
She giggled. “Oh, nothing.”
Part of me knew it wasn’t ‘nothing’, but I didn’t feel like prodding her over it. Instead, I just shrugged, letting the thought slip from my mind.
Opal hopped down from the bathroom counter and made her way into the hallway, off to do whatever it is cats do when no one’s looking. Fluttershy and I stepped out of the bathroom, and that's when it dawned on me that she was here for a reason. Unsure of how to move this forward, I just stood around awkwardly with her, foolishly hoping it had nothing to do with what happened with Rainbow Dash. The last thing I wanted was for her to worry about me and Dash butting heads less than an hour after I’d arrived.
Just when I was about to suggest we head back to Rarity’s room, she spoke up again. “Umm… I just wanted to make sure you’re okay after what happened with Dash. I’m sorry that she did that.”
Damn it. Of course, I knew that was probably why she was here, but I was really hoping she wouldn’t find out. I knew that, if she did, she'd feel the need to play babysitter and mediate for us like we were a couple of children. Not only was that aggravating, but Fluttershy was doing the same thing Applejack had done for Dash, which was all the more irritating.
“You really shouldn’t apologize on her behalf,” I replied. “Besides, she already apologized. She was just being a sore loser – or winner, I guess – it was nothing personal.” Those words felt disgustingly bitter leaving my mouth. I still wasn’t convinced her actions weren’t actually personal, but I was willing to ostensibly let it go – both for Fluttershy’s sake, and so we could avoid talking about this any more than we had to. Unfortunately, she looked as convinced by those words as I was.
“Well, for what it’s worth, if you were upset with her, I wouldn’t blame you,” she added. "She should know better than to do something like that."
Fluttershy's additional validation alleviated some of my frustration. With that, I figured I might as well come clean.
“Fine, yeah, I’ll be honest,” I began. “I almost lost my cool when she did that, so that’s why I’m here. But I’ll be fine, really, I promise."
As silence fell between us again, I felt like that was all that needed to be said. The best course of action would be to drop it and move on. Yet, as much as I knew that, something inside of me really didn’t want me to leave it at that. Besides, it was just me and her out in the hallway. As long as I kept my volume down, no one else would hear what I was about to say. And maybe if I opened up to her, she might be less afraid of me.
For the first time in a while, instead of hiding my feelings, I decided to let them out.
"I just don’t get why everyone keeps apologizing for her.”
She frowned. “Would you rather hear her apologize for it?”
“I mean, sure, I guess,” I answered, “but an apology isn’t really what I’m after.”
Fluttershy didn't respond with words, instead raising a curious eyebrow. Assuming she was waiting for me to explain, I continued.
“There’d be no need for an apology if she just wouldn’t do shit like that. Like, the other day, Rarity told me she didn’t like how Dash has been treating me – I guess because she wanted to make me feel better after everything happened – but that just made me feel resentful. And I felt the same way when Applejack apologized for Rainbow Dash. And, no offense, I felt the same way when you did, too.”
Looking over at Fluttershy, I expected her to look uncomfortable after that. Instead, she held her attentive gaze toward me, prompting me to continue.
“Is it just always going to be ‘sorry she treats you that way,’ and never ‘hey, Dash, maybe don’t be such a bitch to Sunset?’ Because I don’t know how I’m supposed to take that. Like, yeah, apologies are nice and all, but what good are they if nothing changes? Am I just expected to let Rainbow Dash be a jerk because she’s just ‘like that’ with everyone?”
Once again, I looked over at Fluttershy. This time, she looked uncomfortable. A pit of anxiety began to form in my stomach as I took in her expression. Something I said must have gone a tad too far because I was pretty sure I’d upset her as well. Maybe I should have stuck to my original plan of saying I was fine.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking about her like that,” I apologized with a sigh.
“No, don’t be. I just wish I had a better answer, or any at all, really.” Fluttershy looked around the room, holding her arms against her chest. “If it means anything, I kind of understand how you feel.” Expecting just another apology and not much else, her reply caught me off guard.
“Really?” I replied, the surprise in my voice making me feel and sound stupid.
She slightly nodded, looking away as she drew in a deep breath. “When I was a kid, making friends with anyone else was always difficult because I was always just so nervous about everything, so I just kept to myself. That made it hard to really connect with anyone. But then I met Dashie. She'd always stick up for me when other kids would pick on me, and she's never minded how quiet I am. So I became like her shadow. I’d follow her around everywhere, listen to anything and everything she had to say, and for a long time, everything was always about her.
“But we’re not kids anymore, and I don’t want to be her shadow anymore. I don’t want her to see me that way, either. It’s taken me a long time, but I’m starting to figure out what it means to be me, if that makes sense. Now that I’m starting to understand myself, I’ve wanted to share that with her, but it feels like she never wants to give me the chance.”
My brow furrowed as Fluttershy spoke. It was hard to believe she was letting it all flow so candidly – especially to me of all people – but it also seemed like she’d been holding onto this for a while now.
Leaning against a nearby wall, I let my back drag against it as I slowly sat on the floor and crossed my legs. Fluttershy did the same in the spot next to me before she continued her explanation. The bitterness in her tone was becoming more apparent as she went on.
“I didn’t really want to join the band, but I did because she wanted me to. But if I ask her to do something like that with me, she never wants to.”
Alarms were going off in my head. Was she saying all this, expecting me to be able to give her advice at the end? If so, she was looking to the absolute worst person for an answer to something like this. I hardly had a grasp on what it was like to have friends at all, and yet here she was telling me about her friendship problem. And it wasn’t just any friend, either; it was with someone she’d been friends with for years. What could I possibly say to help her?
Looking at me, Fluttershy knit her brow. “G-Gosh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make this all about me.”
“No, it’s okay. You listened to me bitch for a bit, so it’s only fair.”
Her expression relaxed, though she still looked uneasy. Looking up at the ceiling momentarily, I tried to think of how to push things forward. Eventually, my brain cobbled together a response in the form of a question. “Does she at least give you a reason why she never wants to do anything you want to do?”
Fluttershy shrugged, her gaze momentarily fixed on her lap. “Sometimes, but not usually.” She looked up, her eyes meeting mine. “You remember when I asked you if you wanted to come work at the shelter with me a little while ago?”
“Yeah?”
“Working there is one of my favorite things to do, and ever since I started doing it, I’ve wanted Dash to come with me, at least once. She’s my best friend – I love doing just about anything with her – and I think we’d have a lot of fun working together. Plus, she usually gives me rides there, so it’s not like she’d have to go out of her way to be there. But any time I ask, it’s always ‘maybe next time,’ and then next time never comes.”
My mind flashed back to when we were standing in the parking lot together. I felt so stupid for accepting her offer considering the precarious position it put me in, but, to this day, I’ve still never seen her so giddy about something. Maybe that was the reason for her reaction. She got so little attention from her best friend that even her former bully doing something with her got her that excited.
“Sometimes, I just feel like she’s only ever kept me around because I'm like a shadow to her. But when I want to do my own thing, it’s like she doesn’t care. Like we’re only friends for her sake. And it’s not just stuff I want to do, either.
“Last weekend, I decided to write a song for the band, thinking I could at least contribute something. When I gave it to her at school the next day, she said she’d go over it and tell me what she thought. That was last week, and every time I’ve asked since, she just says she’ll get to it eventually.” Fluttershy looked down at the floor and sighed. “I was hoping that maybe we’d be able to play it in time for the band showcase coming up soon, but at this rate, she probably won’t even look at it until after that’s over.”
Fluttershy’s voice trailed off as she looked back down at her lap. Once again, anxiety began to swell within me. I needed to say or do something to help her, but I didn’t have the first clue as to what I should say. If this were a game, there were no winning moves I could see.
On one hand, I felt like she should go right up to Rainbow Dash, assert that she’s her own person and not just Dash’s personal shadow, and ask for the respect that she deserved. That seemed reasonable enough.
On the other hand, was it really my place to suggest something so confrontational? Fluttershy was conflict-averse, and unlikely to go through with a suggestion like that. At the same time, if she did go through with it, what if Dash found out it was by my suggestion? Would she accuse me yet again of trying to drive the two apart?
Then again, what did I have to worry about if she did? Even if it were my plan to cause a rift between them – which it wasn’t – it was evident that Dash was doing an excellent job of that already. Dash had said it herself: she treated me the way she did because she was so fiercely defensive of her best friend, but what could I do that she wasn't already doing on her own?
Perhaps I could have affirmed Fluttershy’s notions that Rainbow Dash didn’t care for her so much as she cared for what she could get out of her, furthering the growing split between them. After everything she'd done to me and how she was treating Fluttershy, I felt somewhat within my right to do so. Yet, for some reason, I found myself unable to. Something about that didn’t feel right, and trying to force that kind of response out of myself proved impossible. After a few moments of mental scrambling, I pushed myself to respond with anything at all, and not even I could have predicted my own response.
“Maybe she just doesn’t realize what she’s doing?”
Fluttershy curiously tilted her head.
“I mean… what if she just doesn’t realize she’s pushing you away?” I asked. “You two have been friends for a long time, and you said it yourself: things have been a certain way between you two for a long time. So, maybe she’s just so used to the way things have been, and because of that, she doesn’t notice that you’ve changed? Considering how oblivious she can be, I wouldn’t put that past her.”
As Fluttershy stared at the wall, she rested her head against her palm. My stomach twisted into another knot as she did. I was talking out of my ass, and she must have known that. More than likely, she was trying to think of the easiest way to let me down. When her eyes met mine again, her response almost startled me. “I guess that makes sense…”
“It does?” I impulsively replied. As Fluttershy shot me a confused look, I scrambled for a recovery. “I mean… I wasn’t sure if it did because I’m so tired from work and all. Sorry about that.”
My delivery was as smooth as sandpaper, and Fluttershy didn’t quite look like she bought my excuse. Mercifully, she didn’t comment on it. Instead, she asked another question; perhaps the most terrifying question she – or anyone at all for that matter – could have ever asked me.
“What do you think I should do?”
My brain began firing on all cylinders, but my mind could only sputter forward. Why was she asking me this? Why did she think I had any answers to a problem like this? I’d never even had a real friend – let alone a best one!
Still, as I looked in her eyes, I could tell she was hurting. I couldn’t just shrug and tell her I didn’t know anything, even if that was the truth. Sure, maybe my answer wouldn’t be any good, but could I really be held accountable for that if it wasn’t? After all, she was the one asking me despite our complicated history. She had to know what she was getting herself into, right?
“Try to meet her in the middle, I guess?” I tried to deliver my answer with some semblance of confidence, but the uncertainty in my tone betrayed me.
Fluttershy knit her brow. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well…” I paused, biting my thumb as the wheels in my head spun. “It seems to me like you do a lot of giving, and don’t get a lot in return. You’re there for her, you do what she wants whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do that for you. So, why not give what you’re given? If she wants you to be there all the time, tell her she has to be there for you just as much or you won’t be.”
Pensively gripping her chin, Fluttershy looked down at the floor. The hallway was quiet for a long minute while she considered my advice. Part of what made it feel like it was taking so long was that I genuinely had no clue if my advice was any good, or if it even made sense.
“But I like doing stuff with her,” she finally responded. “Even if she’s being a little selfish, it’s not like I don’t want to spend time with her.”
I shook my head. “I’m not saying you should cut her off immediately or anything like that,” I contended. “Talk with her first and tell her how it is. Maybe try to bring it up with her in a way that lets her know you’re not mad at her, and that you don’t think the way she’s acting is intentional. Like I said, I don’t think she’s doing that on purpose, and if I’m right, then everything should go smoothly. Once you're both on the same page, things should just get better from there, right?”
Once again, Fluttershy was silent as she considered my admittedly baseless advice. This time, it didn’t take her as long to respond, but what she responded with took me by surprise yet again.
A smile adorned her face as our gazes met. “You’ve really changed a lot, you know?”
As much as I wanted to hide my shock, I couldn’t help but cock my head back as her words registered in my head. “I have?”
Her smile widened as she blinked, giggled and nodded. “Even after everything you two have been through, you’re trying to see things from her perspective instead of just assuming the worst. That’s very kind of you.”
My mouth went through every syllable it could as I tried to stammer out a reply. Try as I might, nothing quite sounded right. I’d always loved receiving compliments, but this wasn’t any compliment I'd ever heard before. This wasn’t about my looks, my smarts, or my skills like I might have been used to at one point. It was for being kind. If I had ever received praise like this before, I certainly couldn’t remember it.
“W-Well, I, uhh… th-thanks, I guess. I just…” Those were the only words I could manage to find, and as my voice trailed off, I felt as dumb as I sounded. Still, I couldn’t help but smile while my cheeks burned. Fluttershy did the same, and I could have sworn she was blushing too, but I didn’t look at her long enough to be sure. Why would she be, anyway?
The silence between us was unceremoniously broken by the sound of the front door opening downstairs.
“PIZZA’S HEEEEEEERE!” Pinkie screeched from in the kitchen downstairs, her voice loud enough that I’m pretty sure everyone in Rarity’s neighborhood could hear her.
“Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Rarity shouted back at her. “Was it necessary for you to scream directly into my ear?!”
“SORRYYYYYYY!” Pinkie yelled again, belting out her apology at nearly the same volume as before. What sounded like an exasperated sigh came from Rarity as the two began talking at a volume too low to be intelligible. Fluttershy and I looked at one another and shared a giggle over all the commotion.
Things were quiet for all of a split second, until Rainbow Dash burst out of Rarity’s room, swinging the door wide open. She bolted through the hall, not bothering to acknowledge either of us as she flew down the stairs. Applejack emerged from the doorway at a much more leisurely pace soon after.
“You better not take half the breadsticks this time!” AJ shouted as she casually made her way to the kitchen. Unlike Dash, she stopped when she noticed me and Fluttershy were standing next to one another in the hallway.
“Everything good, y’all?” The question was ostensibly aimed at both of us, but from the look she gave me, I could tell she was asking mostly for my sake.
“All good,” I responded. This time, I actually meant it, and I couldn’t help but smile because of that.
Applejack smiled back. “That’s good to hear. Now hurry up, y’all. I dunno how long Pinkie and Rarity can hold Dash back from eatin’ everythin' herself.”
Fluttershy giggled, and I gave a weak chuckle in response. Applejack made her way down the stairs, and Fluttershy soon followed her, turning back to me when she noticed that I hadn't moved at all.
“Aren’t you coming?” she asked.
“I’ll be down in a sec. I just have to… grab something from my bag.” I lied.
“Oh,” she replied. “I’ll see you downstairs, then.”
As Fluttershy disappeared into the kitchen, I stood by myself in contemplation. In reality, I didn’t need to grab anything. I just wanted another moment to myself; thankfully for a much more positive reason this time.
It may have been brief, but that conversation with Fluttershy made me feel less alone. It was nice to have someone who not only sympathized, but empathized with me. I couldn’t remember the last time I felt that kind of connection with someone. In fact, it may not be wrong to say I’d never connected with anyone like that.
Maybe I was wrong all along. Maybe Fluttershy wasn’t afraid of me anymore. If she were, I don’t think she would have opened up to me so easily. More than that, I don’t think she would have told me I’d changed; something I still couldn’t believe I’d heard only moments prior.
Regardless, my expectations for the night were much more optimistic after that. Perhaps the squabble between me and Rainbow Dash was a fluke. We began with a rough start, but that just meant things were more than likely only going to get better from there, right?
Whatever the case, I wouldn’t find out by standing in the middle of the hallway by myself. There was still plenty of night to go, and hopefully, it would all go smoothly from here.
At least until it was time to sleep. But I’d cross that rickety bridge when I came to it.
There was no reason I should have been awake. Staring up at the ceiling in Rarity’s living room, I let out a deep sigh. It had been a great night, but, while my body wanted rest, my mind wasn’t having it.
That was nothing new. Annoyingly familiar, if anything. Rest had been eluding me for months at that point, and my mind was never eager to try and find it. It’s just that, this week in particular, sleep had proven even more evasive than ever. The nightmares had been steadily intensifying ever since the day Rainbow Dash almost fought with me again, and each night it got a little harder to finally fall asleep.
Sure, the whole situation had blown over, and, if what Dash said earlier in the night was to be believed, there were no hard feelings. But knowing that did nothing to bring peace to my subconscious mind. Every night, I’d remind myself that everything was fine, only for my brain to ask ‘what if it wasn’t?’ A question I could seldom seem to answer.
There was no reason I shouldn’t have been able to answer that. Barring the hiccup after I’d first arrived, the sleepover had actually gone pretty well. We ate together, played games, watched a couple movies—all of the things friends do together at sleepovers—and, for the most part, it was all enjoyable. There were even times when I didn't think about how I was invited out of obligation, and as snide as that might sound, I mean that in the most sincere way possible. They'd done a lot to make me feel included the whole night, and I certainly felt that.
When we all went to bed, I foolishly hoped this would be the night I’d manage to sleep worth a damn. The chronic lack of rest and eight hour shift I had worked left me with little in the tank, and, as fun as the night had been, it left me thoroughly drained of any remaining energy I’d arrived with. It felt like my entire being was likely to shut off at a moment’s notice.
And yet I was still tossing and turning in my sleeping bag, unable to get comfortable. Not just because the floor underneath was hell on my spine, but because laying in it idly for hours had made me too warm. Every time I unwrapped myself from my sleeping bag, however, I’d be freezing cold in only a couple of minutes. Eventually, I just gave up and rolled my pajama sleeves up, hoping that would be enough to keep me cool. It wasn’t, but what else was there to do about it?
In the back of my mind, I knew the real reason I was finding it so hard to sleep. Even if I had reason to believe I’d be able to rest tonight, I was still afraid. I really shouldn’t have been. Tonight had to be what I needed. Something going this well had to be enough to keep the nightmares at bay. Fluttershy, once my most frequent bullying victim, told me I'd changed for the better. If that wasn't enough, then nothing was.
But that's just it: what if that wasn't? What if nothing would ever be enough? What if the cruel irony of these nightmares was that, however good the day and night may have been, the dream in store for me would be terrifying to an equal proportion? The longer I kept myself going, the longer I could put off finding out the answer to that terrible question.
But I couldn’t put it off forever. My body would eventually shut down of its own accord, wouldn’t it? Maybe my mind was just waiting for that to happen and that’s why it wouldn’t let me fall asleep. Maybe that's what I needed, too. A complete and total shutdown. So little energy, my brain wouldn't even have enough to dream.
If only I'd just decided to go home after work instead. If I had, this wouldn’t have been an issue. At least then, if I woke up in a panic, no one would be around to hear or see me. But this wasn’t my apartment; it was Rarity’s living room, and the girls were upstairs in the room right above me. The last thing I wanted was for them to come running to me after hearing me scream in the middle of the night because of a stupid nightmare.
There was no reason I should have been so worried about that. So what if they heard me freak out? Wouldn’t they just want to help? After all, if they were willing to include me the way they had tonight, they’d surely be there for me if I was distressed, right? There might not be much they could do to help me, but they’d still try, right? Isn’t that a thing friends do for each other? And we were friends, right?
Or, the more likely outcome would happen: they would all exchange uncomfortable glances as they all came to realize just how messed up I was. Even if we had a good time that night, there was no denying that this whole sleepover was built around the fact that they felt sorry for me. I was a charity case to them. And a charity case is much easier to work on when all you have to do is hang out, laugh, and have a good time with them. The moment they realized it might take more than a few friendly gestures and a party to help me, they’d probably realize how much more ‘work’ I needed, and go back to treating me like a ball and chain.
And could I really blame them if they did? If things were reversed, I wouldn’t want to deal with me either. Just the idea of having to take care of someone who was constantly unsure of themselves, always waking up in the middle of the night because of some stupid, uncontrollable emotional reaction, needing to be grounded because they don’t know how to calm themselves down, all sounded absolutely draining. Knowing I wouldn’t be able to do the same for any of them, could I fault them for not wanting to do that for me?
The longer I laid there, my mind racing with the most cynical and pessimistic thoughts it could fathom, the harder it became to convince myself not to go back to my apartment and wallow in my inner turmoil by myself. By that point, I’d done well enough to convince myself to stay the course. If I left then, it would become this whole thing next time I saw the girls. They’d ask all kinds of questions, and I knew I wouldn’t want to answer any of them. It would just create more unease, and the last thing any of us needed was more tension between each other.
But the voice in the back of my head chanting ‘leave’ over and over was growing more tumultuous by the second. It didn’t help that the longer I stayed awake, the more staying seemed like an equally bad idea. I’d wake up tomorrow more tired than I was when I fell asleep, and the thought of trying to socialize while even more exhausted than I already felt made me nauseous. At least if I left in the middle of the night, I’d be able to prepare myself for when the topic of me leaving early inevitably came up at school on Monday.
That just seemed so ungrateful, though. Yes, everything they'd done was all because they felt sorry for me, but that didn't change the fact that they’d still gone out of their way to show me a good time. After all they'd done for me, I was thinking about abandoning them without saying so much as a good-bye.
What if they thought they’d done something wrong? What if that made them think their efforts weren’t appreciated? Even if I was still a little resentful about everything, I didn’t want them to think that. It was a mystery to me why I cared so much, but something about leaving them with that impression just didn’t sit right with me. And for a while, that's what kept me grounded. But that by itself just wasn't enough.
In the end, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere by just laying there and brooding about it. To be fair to myself, I had given it an honest try, but several hours of laying awake on the lumpy, carpeted floor in an uncomfortably warm sleeping bag had whittled down my will to stick it out. Maybe it would reflect poorly on me, maybe it would give the girls the wrong impression, maybe it would outright offend them, but at least I’d have time to formulate an excuse before the next time I saw them.
Slipping out of my sleeping bag, I stood up quickly, momentarily stumbling as my brain caught up with the rest of my body. Once I stabilized, I rolled up my sleeping bag and placed it next to my bag sitting on a loveseat nearby. Rifling through the bag with my phone screen on, I checked the inside to make sure everything was there. The loveseat wobbled back and forth as I did, its ornate wooden legs just a tad uneven.
The last thing I needed to grab was my jacket, and that was on a hook near the front door. Carefully navigating through the near-pitch black living room, I tiptoed to the foyer. Once I made it to the front door, I stopped for a moment.
On both sides of the door were windows to the outside; the light from the streetlamps lining the road provided just enough light for everything in the room to be visible. Instead of grabbing my jacket right away, I stood and stared at the street in front of Rarity’s home. Gazing out the window, thoughts of going back to Equestria entered my mind.
There was no reason my thoughts should have wandered in that direction. There were still many moons between then and when the portal would open once more; and even if that weren’t the case, there was no guarantee I’d be welcome back. Unfortunately, my mind was always eager to retread the same grounds it had walked dozens of times before. And as I stood there, dolefully peering into the distance, I was far too tired to try and rein them back in.
Maybe it was because of the emotional state I found myself in, but I couldn’t help but reflect on how dull the cities looked in this world compared to what I grew up with. Humans had a very specific way they designed their communities, and they left little room for colors and flourishing. If you asked anyone why, they’d tell you it was constructed that way in favor of efficiency. But there was nothing efficient about the asphalt labyrinths they built. It was a mess for the sake of being a mess; everyone had just tricked themselves into thinking otherwise, and accepted that answer without question.
None of those were new thoughts, either, but this time they were as bitter as they were sour. It was as if my surroundings were trying to remind me I didn’t belong here. Not just in this house, not just in this city, but in this world entirely. And maybe they were right. Everything had gone alright that night, but there was nothing saying things would continue to improve. There was nothing saying I wouldn’t find a way to mess this up later.
How many steps had I taken forward, only to be pushed an equal or greater amount back by my own actions? The sooner I cut and run, the less likely my disappearance would be to cause any issue, and the less likely it was that there would be any major consequences as a result. That, and the less it would sting when I inevitably learned that no, this wasn’t where I belonged at all.
With a quick exhale, I slipped my arms into my leather jacket and made my way back to the living room. As I entered, I remembered how much darker it was. The curtains were closed, so the light from the streetlamps outside provided no light like they did in the foyer. I slowly walked forward, my hands extended. Unfortunately, feeling out my surroundings did nothing to stop something from hooking my ankle.
Before I had any time to react, I was stumbling forward. I tried my best to stabilize myself, but quickly found myself unable to. Reaching my arms out in front of me, I looked for anything solid to catch and grab onto. My hands found something, but the pull from my descending body weight was too much for whatever I had grabbed, and I almost sent it plummeting down on top of me. Letting go of the loveseat caused it to fall back into place, but not before it sent my bag tumbling forward, it and all of its contents spilling out all over me as I fell flat on my face.
As I laid face-down on the ground, I let out an exasperated sigh. Part of me didn’t even want to get up. Maybe I should have just continued laying in that same spot the rest of the night. Even though I was frustrated, a smile spread across my face as I imagined the girls waking up to see me lying on the floor like this. They might have thought I had died in the most comedic way imaginable. Of course, there was no way I was going to be able to sleep like that, but that was a given regardless of what position I found myself in.
A groan forced itself out of me as I pushed myself up from the floor, several of my belongings sliding down my back and landing softly on the carpet. Grabbing my bag, I began to fill it back up with all the things that had spilled out onto the floor. Once all of its contents were placed back inside, I rested it back on the loveseat and sat down next to it.
Leaning forward, I rested my elbows on my thighs, holding my forehead in hands. For a few minutes, I just sat there in silence, focusing hard on my hearing for any noises upstairs. Everything was still. Apparently, my tumble hadn’t been loud enough to wake anyone above me. Once I realized the coast was clear, I leaned back in my seat and sighed again. At least no one was awake to see or hear how embarrassing all that was.
There I was, staring at the ceiling again. Did I really want to do this? That was kind of a silly question; of course I did. I had all my stuff gathered and ready to go, so why didn’t I get up? Was it exhaustion? Was it my sub-subconscious mind—the mind below my subconscious mind that had been incessantly coaxing me to return to my apartment—trying to keep me rooted in place because it knew that was the right thing to do? Or was that my actual conscious mind doing that? Why does having any conscious mind at all have to be such an ordeal?
“Sunset? Are you okay?”
Jumping in my seat, my head whipped toward the direction that voice came from, my entire body tensing up. As soon as I laid eyes on who the source of it was however, I relaxed again. Out of everyone who could have heard me make an absolute fool of myself like that, at least it was her.
“Fluttershy?” I asked, standing up. ”What are you doing awake?” I didn’t know if she could tell what all that noise was about, but I was going to lie and deflect my way out of this if it killed me.
She stood directly between the foyer and the living room, the pale light from the windows near the door making her just visible enough to make out some details. “I woke up a little while ago, b-but I was having trouble falling asleep again,” she stammered. “Then I heard a bump down here, so I thought I’d come check up on you. Is everything okay?”
It took me a moment to give her a proper answer, not because it was hard to think of an excuse, but because her voice didn’t give me the impression she’d awoken any time recently. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just tripped over something on my way out of the bathroom, that’s all.” Technically, I was telling the truth, just not the whole truth.
“O-Oh, okay,” she replied. After a few seconds without words, Fluttershy spoke up again. “Umm… are you wearing your jacket?”
Looking down at myself, I remembered I was in the process of trying to leave. “Oh, yeah. I was just… I was having trouble falling asleep myself, so I was going to go sit outside for a bit. Get some fresh air, you know?”
“That sounds nice." To my surprise, she sounded pretty convinced. “Umm, would you mind if I came with you?”
My teeth briefly sank into my tongue as I suppressed a frustrated sigh. I was hoping she would have just gone back to bed, but of course, things were never that easy. And worst of all, I couldn’t tell her no. What excuse for that could I possibly have?
“Sure, that’s fine.”
Fluttershy smiled, leading the way into the kitchen. From the kitchen, we reached the door to the backyard, and made our way out of the house.
Immediately outside the backdoor was a large wooden deck. The planks that made up the floor looked well kept, if slightly weathered from age. The deck was surrounded by waist-high railing, held up by wooden beams, spindles, and banisters all painted white. The rafters above were spread out enough to see the sky through the semi-transparent roofing.
And all the way in the back corner was a small table with two metal chairs, both close to one another, facing the back fence of Rarity’s backyard. It was a surprisingly modest arrangement compared to the fancy interior of the home, but maybe the fancier pieces were stowed away until the warmer season rolled around.
Fluttershy and I slowly walked over to the table to take our seats. Seeing how close together the two metal chairs were, I pulled the one I was taking just a little further away from hers. I figured she wouldn’t want to sit that close to me.
As I sat down I briefly shivered. It had been a warm winter, but the nights were still pretty cold, and the chair certainly echoed that. Fluttershy gingerly took her place next to me, and the two of us looked out at the night sky. Notwithstanding the city’s light pollution, the stars above shined brighter than normal. The new moon in the sky gave the light from the stars more room to play. At night, not even the skies were spared from the ugly influence of human construction, but at least they still managed to be nice to look at most of the time.
For a little while, that’s all there was. Just me and her, sitting outside in complete silence. I was trying my best to play it cool, but everything about this just felt weird. We were only here because I didn’t want to tell her I was getting ready to head back to my apartment. Maybe I should have told her I was leaving instead. It’s not like I’d have to come up with a decent excuse for why. Fluttershy would take whatever I gave her, and she was very unlikely to prod me about it. Whatever the case, it was too late then. I was locked in.
Had it been any other night, I would have been fine with our sitting standoff. If there was anything I was good at, it was sitting around and wasting time. But I was cold, tired, and I didn't want to be outside any longer than I needed to—or at all, really. I'd hedged my bets on Fluttershy not lasting long, but after a few minutes, it became evident I wasn't so lucky.
Occasionally, I’d steal a glance at Fluttershy. Every other time I did, she’d shift her view elsewhere. Part of me thought she might have been looking at me a few times, but considering my exhaustion-addled mind, I didn’t exactly trust that, nor did I care that much either.
Sitting there like a statue, I stared off into space, eagerly awaiting the moment Fluttershy had had enough of the cold. I thought she would have said something by then, but she just continued to stare off into the stars just the same way I did. It made me nervous—like, if she wasn’t going to say anything, I should be the one to initiate. As that thought crossed my mind, I thought of a way to break the uncomfortable stillness.
“Sorry for keeping you up,” I said.
Fluttershy was momentarily startled, giving me a bashful smile afterwards. “Oh, don’t worry about it,” she replied. “Like I said, I was having trouble sleeping anyway. I’m a really light sleeper, and it usually takes me a while to fall back asleep, too. This kind of thing happens almost every sleepover.”
Nodding, I faced forward again. That would explain why she sounded so much more awake than someone who woke up at this hour should. For some reason I couldn't place, I doubted her answer. I had no reason to, but the timing of her appearance felt off. Either way, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to know if she was telling the truth or not. It’s not like it mattered all that much anyway.
“I hope you haven’t been lonely down in the living room by yourself,” she remarked.
I chuckled. “Hey, as long as I don’t have to look at those creepy mannequins standing above me all night, I can deal with being alone.”
Fluttershy giggled. “That’s kind of funny.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Why’s that?”
“I guess I just never expected someone like you to be afraid of something I’m not,” she replied.
“Hey, I might be the worst bitch you know, but I’ve got feelings too.” I cocked my head back, making it painfully obvious I was pretending to be offended. “Besides, there’s a lot you probably don’t know about me.”
“I suppose so.” She awkwardly laughed, shifting around in her seat, the legs of the chair dragging against the wood momentarily. “At least, for now.”
“Probably best you keep it that way, too,” I responded half-jokingly.
After that, the silence persisted once more. Continuing to sit there, I noticed she was hugging herself. That’s when it occurred to me that she was only dressed in her pajamas and nothing else. While the winter had been waning for the last week, she was still underdressed for the temperature outside.
“Don’t you think you should have brought a hoodie or something?”
“I would, but all my stuff is upstairs in Rarity’s room, and I don’t want to wake anyone up,” she responded. That answer made me want to laugh. I couldn’t imagine her making enough noise to wake anyone up, but I refrained from displaying my amusement.
Part of me was hoping that meant she wouldn’t spend too much more time out here. But as seconds turned into minutes, I realized she was still stubbornly refusing to surrender, even as she began shivering. Eventually, I started feeling guilty making her sit out here like this. It wasn't her fault I'd made her an unwitting contestant in my deceitful waiting game.
“You sure you’re not too cold?” I asked. “You can head back inside if you want; I'm not gonna be offended.”
She nodded, her jaw clenched as though she were forcing her teeth not to chatter. “I-I’m fine.” Whether she was stammering from her usual anxiety or the cold, I couldn’t tell.
What I found even more unclear was why she seemed so committed to sitting out here with me in spite of the fact that it was making her so uncomfortable. Was she doing it for my sake, and if so, why? It was so hard to tell anything with her. If she was going to insist on hovering around me like this, she could at least have the decency to be easier to read.
Regardless, if she wasn’t going to go back inside, then the least I could do is make it a little more bearable for her. With that in mind, I stood up and started taking off my jacket. Fluttershy looked up at me curiously as I slipped my arms out of the sleeves. Folding it in half, I handed it to her.
“Here,” I offered.
She looked at the jacket, then at me. “O-Oh, you don’t have to–”
“Take it,” I interrupted. “Honestly, it’s no big deal. I ride my motorcycle even in the dead of winter, so I’m pretty used to the cold. You, on the other hand, look like you’re about to freeze to death.”
Fluttershy reached out her hand, hesitating. “Are you sure?”
I nodded, gesturing for her to take it by holding it out closer to her.
As she grabbed the coat, I sat back down in the seat, my bare arms touching the cold metal armrests. While it was true that I was used to the cold, I immediately regretted surrendering my coat. It was too late for that, though. It’s not like I could just ask for it back after insisting she wear it. Instead, I just rolled my pajama sleeves down, knowing that wouldn’t suffice, but also knowing it was better than nothing.
Once she had the jacket on, she sat back down as well. Within just about a minute, I could see her shivering subside, her cheeks still splashed with pink but unmoving as her teeth quickly stopped chattering. Even if we were out here under dubious circumstances, no one could ever say I didn't do something nice for her.
A slight smile spread across my lips as I looked at her. It was amusing to see how big my jacket looked on her lithe body. It wasn’t like it didn’t fit that well—Fluttershy was the same height as me—but she was certainly thinner than me, and the jacket accentuated that.
Not only that, but I would have never imagined her wearing a leather jacket—not just because it looked kind of silly on her, but because of the material. As an animal lover, I thought she’d be offended at the idea of wearing a leather jacket, but maybe she could tell it wasn’t real leather.
The uncomfortable silence between us returned, my own personal discomfort now augmented by a lack of warm clothing. Still, I wasn’t going to budge on this. The only way I could get out of this reliably was if she were to be the one to surrender first and go back to bed. If I tried to leave early, she might catch me in the act. That, and I’d have to ask for my jacket back. If I was just locked in before, I was fully committed now.
My thoughts of escaping were derailed as Fluttershy spoke up. “Uhm, can I ask you something?”
Looking toward her, I pursed my lips. “Uhh, sure?”
“Do you usually have trouble sleeping?”
My eyes threatened to widen as I stared into hers, but I stopped them right before they could. That wasn’t a question I was expecting to hear, nor was it one I particularly wanted to be asked either. And besides, why did she want to know something that specific anyway? Immediately, I grew suspicious, but I kept my cool.
“Here and there, sure.” I kept my lie short and simple, hoping she would pick up the hint that this wasn’t something I wished to discuss.
Instead, she continued. “I was just wondering because you seemed pretty tired when you got here, and–”
“I worked a full shift, remember?” I interrupted, looking away from her. “Of course I’d be tired after that.” Immediately, I felt a twist in my gut. My reply was rude, but that was necessary. She was quickly approaching dangerous territory with her questions, and being terse was the best way to avoid that.
Unfortunately, she continued again. “W-Well, if it’s okay to ask, is there a reason you’re having trouble sleeping tonight?”
Clenching my jaw, I suppressed the exasperated sigh that I'd been holding in since we were in the living room. Why was it so hard for her to take a hint?
“Hard to sleep anywhere that’s not my own bed, that’s all,” I answered curtly. “Is there a certain reason you’re so interested in my sleeping habits?” I was still trying to keep myself composed, but it was getting hard to hide my agitation.
“O-Oh, no! I just– umm, I– nevermind.” Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I could tell she was still worried about me. Despite her concern, my bitter deflection left her sounding discouraged and defeated.
Guilt began freely flowing through me yet again. I knew it wasn’t right to let things rest there, but I just didn’t want to talk. But as time dragged on, it became impossible for me to let the conversation die like that. Even if she was being annoyingly curious about something I was far from eager to talk about, she didn’t deserve to be snapped at like that. Instead of allowing silence to fall over us again, I asked her a question without even thinking about it first.
“Why do you care so much?” I asked, my question coming out much sharper than I intended.
“W-Well,” she began, sounding more nervous now, “you’re my friend, and I care about you like I do any of my other friends.”
Realizing that was nearly identical to the answer she gave me the last time I asked this kind of question, I scoffed. “Yeah, but I’m not ‘any of your other friends,’ I’m the girl that bullied you constantly for a solid two or three years. Why would you care about that?”
“Are you saying we’re not friends?”
“No!” I exclaimed, quickly ducking my head briefly when I realized how loud that came out. “I mean, yeah, sure, I guess we are, but–”
“Then that’s all that matters,” she interrupted. “You want to be my friend, and I want to be yours, so that makes us friends. That’s why I care.”
Rolling my eyes, I exhaled sharply. “Yeah, and I bet if I wanted to be your friend a year ago, you wouldn’t say that.”
“I would,” she replied without missing a beat. My head slowly turned to her, my expression as perplexed as it was incredulous.
“…Are you sure about that?” To my amazement, she confidently nodded, a smile on her face. “But, why?”
“Just because you were a bully doesn’t mean I thought you were any less of a person than anyone else.” Fluttershy shrank into herself as she realized her awkward choice of words. “W-Well, I mean, maybe ‘person’ isn’t the right word, but–.”
Before she got too caught up in her wording, I held my hand up. “I get it, don’t worry.”
After a bashful glance, she continued. “When I was little, my mom always used to say that ‘everyone acts the way they do for a reason.’ It may not always be a good reason, but there’s almost always one there. You might have hurt me a lot, but even at the worst of times, I could never shake the feeling that wasn’t who you really were. There was a reason behind how you treated me and everyone else, and underneath that tough exterior, there was someone who just wanted someone to be nice to them.
“Even before the Fall Formal happened, that’s how I felt. And while I still don’t totally understand everything about that night, I knew that had to be part of the reason.”
Blinking hard, I felt a twist in my stomach. The words I'd chosen for my rebuttal halfway through her explanation went flying out of my head at the mention of those two words. Before I could impulsively apologize for the Formal, however, Fluttershy continued.
“To tell you the truth, I-I was still scared of you for a little while after the Formal. That whole week was the craziest time of my entire life, so I didn’t know what to expect after that. Eventually, though, I realized I didn’t have to be afraid of you anymore. You didn’t have that reason to be a bully anymore. In fact, you had more reasons not to be a bully. You had reasons to start being who you really are.” She looked off to the side, intentionally draping her hair over her face. “And I-I guess I wanted to be one of those reasons.”
Even in the pale light of the night sky, and even behind the hair she hid behind, I could see blush splash across her face. It was confusing, but I didn’t have the mental wherewithal to focus on that for long. There was something else she said that filled me with a mix of emotions.
“You… you’re not afraid of me?” I asked.
It was a simple gesture, but seeing her shake her head in response to that question shook me to my core. “I’m not. You’ve been so nice to me lately, I don’t think I could be afraid of you anymore.”
My mind was quickly flooded and washed out by so many feelings at once. There were no words I could summon in response. I was stunned and confused, but above that, I was wrong. All this time, I thought she was being nice to me because she was afraid of me, and I was wrong. I couldn’t remember any time in my life in which I had ever been happier to be wrong about something.
“I understand you feel bad about everything between us, and I appreciate it too, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends now.” A knowing grin spread across her face. “We just got off to a bad start, that’s all.”
It was still impossible for me to find the right words to say to her. Instead, all I could do was give her a strained smile. It wasn’t strained because I was forcing it, but because I felt awful. All this time I thought her motivations were purely selfish, when in reality that couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only that, but I’d been trying my hardest to shut her out when she was just worried about me. She’d only ever wanted to be my friend, and had we not had this conversation, I may have kept pushing her away with my unrelenting cynicism toward her until she gave up.
Right away, I wanted to apologize. But for what? She wasn’t aware how long I’d been convinced she had ulterior motives—as far as I knew, she didn't even know that's what I thought that at all. What good would it have done for either of us to tell her I hadn’t believed anything she’d done for me was for any reason beyond her own benefit? There was only one way I could see to set it right; I needed to be honest, but in a different way.
Before I could start overthinking, I shoved the first words I could think of out of myself. “I should be honest about something.”
Fluttershy leaned forward attentively as I drew in a deep breath. “You asked me if I usually have trouble sleeping and… I lied. I do. A lot. It’s not just ‘here and there,’ it’s been a chronic thing… for months now.”
Fluttershy lifted her hands over her mouth. “Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry. Do you have any idea why?” she replied, her tone so sympathetic you would have thought I’d just told her someone in my family had died.
With a deep sigh, I prepared myself to admit something I never wanted to talk to anyone about. Resting my arms on the table, I looked down and spoke up again.
“This is so stupid but… nightmares. I’ve had them nonstop since the Formal, and I haven’t slept a full night since then. I haven’t fallen asleep tonight because I know I’m just going to have another. It’s part of why I decided to sleep in the living room instead of with all of you.” After a brief pause, I looked up and held up a finger. “Though, part of the reason is those freaky mannequins, too. I wasn’t lying about that.” That wasn’t a joke, but I tried to lighten my tone to keep the mood between us from getting too serious.
Fluttershy let out a breath that sounded like a chuckle, but it was too quiet to tell. After that, there was an uncomfortable pause in our conversation. I wanted to explain more—what happens in the nightmares, how bad it had gotten, the specter of my former self constantly haunting me in them every night—but my mind fought me on it. It was like it recognized that everything I'd just said was embarrassing, and it was trying to prevent me from humiliating myself any further.
Her own lack of a follow-up made me think she, too, realized how dumb of a reason that was to be kept awake at night. She was probably trying not to laugh, thinking about how that was something else I feared that she didn’t. Instead of continuing, I just sat there, going back and forth in an internal tug of war.
“That’s not stupid at all, especially if you can’t sleep because of it. That sounds horrible, I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with that.” She scooted her chair closer, placing her hand on my arm. Even with how cold it was outside, her hand was still warm, and that warmth slowly spread from my arm to the rest of my body.
Her words were meant to bring me comfort, but they only brought me reasons to argue. More than anything, I wanted her to know that I understood what was happening was my fault, and that, to a certain degree, I deserved everything I was going through. But, for some reason, I still couldn’t say anything. We just sat together quietly, the warmth of her touch gradually filling me with an inexplicable feeling.
After almost a full minute, Fluttershy took her hand back and spoke up once again. “I, umm… I-I should be honest about something, too.”
Looking over at her, I noticed she was looking more visibly anxious by the second. I wanted to prompt her to continue, but I just stared at her as she prepared her own admission.
“I-I… wasn’t really having trouble sleeping tonight. I actually haven’t gone to sleep at all yet because… well, I’ve been wondering if something like this was happening, and I wanted to be there for you in case I was right.”
My eyes darted back and forth before I could push a word out of myself. “Really?” She nodded, refusing to look in my direction.
Thinking the conversation might be getting too dramatic once again, I smirked at her. “So what, that’s why you invited me? So you could do a sleep study on me without me knowing?”
“Wha? N-No! Honest! I was just–”
“Relax, I’m just messing with you,” I interrupted.
Fluttershy continued with her frantic explanation regardless. “I swear, before I came to check on you, I hadn't been downstairs at any point. I was just… well, listening really carefully. I-If it wasn’t for the noise I heard, I would have stayed upstairs and never said a word, honestly.”
That didn’t do much to make me feel better, but I wasn’t sure if I even needed to feel better. Knowing she was paying such close attention to me weirded me out more than anything. I could tell her intentions were pure, but I was still left without any idea of how to react to that information.
“Well… thanks, I guess?” While I was genuinely grateful she was looking out for me all night, I couldn’t mask the confusion in my voice. “Why were you worried I wasn’t sleeping, though?”
“There’s a couple reasons,” Fluttershy began, her eyes meeting mine for only a split second before promptly flitting away in another direction. “Rarity told me about when she met you at the mall. She said you told her you hadn’t slept the night before; and when she tried to ask why you’d been awake so long, you wouldn’t give an answer. The only other thing she said you told her was that you’d been dealing with it for a while.”
That made a lot of sense, but her clarification came at the price of being moderately irritated. I couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed at Rarity for spilling my business to the others. Even if it was just Fluttershy—someone who was extremely unlikely to tell anyone else—that only made me more apprehensive about opening up to her in the future. It wasn’t like that was the most sensitive information, but I dreaded the idea that she may have blabbed about her harebrained theory that Rainbow Dash had a crush on me to any of the other girls.
“There’s more I should tell you, too,” she continued, taking a deep breath. “You remember when I met you in the bathroom? When I asked you to come to band practice with us?”
I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Well… before that day, I’d never even been inside that bathroom. I didn’t even know it was part of the school until a bit before then,” she paused as if she was expecting me to respond, but when I couldn't find any words, she pushed on.
“About a month ago, I noticed you were leaving lunch early every now and then, and I started to worry. S-So I followed you one day, just to make sure everything was okay.” Fluttershy put her hands up defensively. “I-I know how that sounds—especially after everything else I just said—but once I thought you were just going to the bathroom, I was going to leave. But then I overheard you, and…”
Her voice trailed off as I stared at her, my mouth hanging slightly agape. Suddenly, it made a lot more sense why she showed up in the bathroom that day, but I was more surprised by the fact that Fluttershy of all people had done something like that. I was also mildly embarrassed by the fact that that meant she had more than likely heard me ramble to myself when I thought no one was listening.
“I-I couldn’t understand most of what you were saying, but you sounded really upset, and I remember you mentioning how you were ‘tired of being tired all the time.’ After that, I couldn’t help but notice how exhausted you always looked, and I started to feel horrible about how little we’d been doing for you. That whole time, we were supposed to be taking care of you—like any good friends should—yet you felt like you had to run away from us while struggling with so much else.”
So many emotions began to swell within me. First, I felt empty. I had always assumed I put up a good front—no one could tell there was something wrong with me unless they looked very close. Were my constant feelings of dejection and exhaustion actually that easy to see? Could everyone else see just how miserable I was, or was Fluttershy the only one who ever noticed without me having to point it out first?
On one hand, the idea of looking as downtrodden and pathetic as I felt in front of all the others at CHS every day terrified me, but the notion that Fluttershy was the only one who could spot how I felt made me feel hollow. Did she care that much more about me than anyone else, or was she the only one who cared at all? I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know; neither answer seemed all that comforting.
Despite the flood of sadness engulfing me, my temper was threatening to ignite. Even if her intentions were good, that was proof that she was being nice to me out of pity. We’d become friends, gotten closer, and now we were here—all because she felt bad for me. In fact, they had probably planned the entire sleepover around me after I told Rarity about my sleep issues. It’s the only thing that made sense. It was the only way to explain why they were so insistent about me coming. The idea of being a charity case to them had always made me bitter, but hearing it confirmed made me full on enraged.
However, both of these feelings were smothered by a realization: was pity really all that bad?
For months now, I’d been dealing with so many of my personal issues on my own, rarely asking for any help or support, and seldom had things ever gotten any better. Sure, I wanted to handle this myself—these were my problems, after all—but what was I doing? What more could I do at that point? Even if she pitied me, as long as she was there for me, did any of that really matter? Fluttershy cared, and she had cared for a while—maybe more than anyone else. In the end, isn’t that what mattered the most?
She followed me after I left the lunch table early, not just because she felt bad for me, but because she wanted to find out what was wrong. She invited me to band practice, not just because she felt bad for me, but because she thought that including me would make me feel better. She was so nice to me, and not just because she felt bad for me, but because she didn’t want me to feel bad anymore. Once that revelation fully sank in, I felt awash with an indescribable feeling.
That’s when it dawned on me: what was compassion but pity with the will to help and understand?
Of course, the nastiest parts of my mind wouldn’t take this lying down. Even if I were to accept her goodwill, there was a black hole in the pit of my gut, and I knew why it was there. I knew I deserved none of her kindness. After everything was said and done, everything I was going through came as a result of my own actions. What right to kindness did I have, if any? Especially from someone I’d done so much harm to? I had signed away my right to compassion long ago, and it was my moral obligation to uphold that unspoken contract.
After a while without a response, Fluttershy spoke once again. “I-I’m really sorry about the nightmares, and I’m really sorry for how little we’ve all done for you. If I knew it was this bad, I would have tried to do something sooner.”
Hearing her say that made me wince. It was a similar sentiment Principal Celestia had expressed the week prior, and just like when she'd said that, I felt hollow once again.
A mirthless chuckle escaped my lips. “Why?” I asked. “Why are you apologizing? What could you—or any of the other girls—have done about it? Besides, it’s not like I don’t deserve it.”
“But you don’t deserve it,” she firmly replied.
Finally turning to face her again, I squinted. “How can you say that? After everything I did—to you, to your friends, to everyone at CHS—how do I not deserve that?”
Fluttershy grabbed my arm once more, that familiar feeling of warmth colliding with the swelling storm of emotions inside of me like oil and water. “Just because you did those things doesn’t mean you should suffer for it forever. That’s not fair to you, and it doesn’t help anyone.”
A war to maintain composure broke out inside of me as I swallowed the lump building in my throat. “The only thing that’s not fair is what I did.” As Fluttershy opened her mouth to reply, I let out another humorless, exasperated laugh. “I mean, did you forget? I drove you, your best friend, and all your other friends apart. I gave you, and everyone else at school, numerous reasons to fear me. Then I tried to take over the world. I almost killed you and the rest of the girls in the process! I think nightmares and insomnia are the least of what I deserve, and if you don't agree with that, you've completely lost your mind.”
“I haven't,” she asserted. “No matter what, you don’t deserve that or anything worse.”
As I gawked at her, I struggled to come up with a coherent thought. It was impossible for me to understand how she could not only say that, but sound so convincing when she did, too. What was wrong with her?
“What you did was wrong, and I know you feel guilty about it, but your nightmares don’t help me or any of the girls feel better about anything. They don’t do anything to help anyone else you’ve hurt, either. If they don’t do anything to make things right, what’s the point of you suffering through them other than to make you miserable?”
"That's the whole point!" I snapped. "I'm supposed to be miserable! Those are the consequences of my actions. If I didn't want this, I should have thought about it before I decided to spend so much of my life being awful to everyone around me. The nightmares keep me in check—they keep me from going back to being who I used to be."
"But do they?" she questioned. "Are the nightmares really what's keeping you from becoming the monster you used to be, or is it yourself? Are the nightmares why you've changed so much over the last few months, or is it because you know who you used to be isn't who you really are?"
“I…” I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing beyond that escaped me.
Fluttershy’s grip on my arm tightened as she sternly looked me in the eye. “The only thing they do is hurt you and make you more miserable—nothing else! You being sleep deprived won’t heal anyone you hurt. It won’t fix anything you’ve broken. It doesn’t make me feel any better about anything that happened between us. Just because you’re hurting, doesn’t mean that anyone else is healing.
“I’m proud of you for owning up to all that you’ve done wrong. Even if you don’t feel like it, you’ve come such a long way since the Fall Formal! And if you want to make things right, you’ll keep being the best that you can be—just like you have been! That’s how you can make it up to everyone.”
Her chair scraped against the wood as she scooted closer to me again, both her hands clasping my arm, the look in her eyes every bit as firm as it was comforting. “That’s how you can make it up to me.”
My mouth tried every syllable it could, but the lump in my throat kept me from making a sound to match any of them.
“You deserve to sleep soundly, you deserve to have friends—no matter what’s happened, no matter what anyone else says, no matter what you tell yourself—you deserve kindness, just like anyone else.”
It was nearly impossible to believe those words had been spoken to me by anyone, let alone the person who I once considered my favorite victim. How was I supposed to react to that? Should I disagree? Should I be upset that she’d even suggest I don’t deserve to be punished? Should I have just laid down and accepted her words? The treads of my mind raced, but they were muddied by my exhaustion, and nothing coherent could run forward.
At least, at first. Eventually, my brain began to stitch together all of the pieces before me, and once everything was woven together, the pattern it presented made me nauseous.
This entire situation was impossible. None of this made sense. Maybe she’d told me I’ve changed earlier in the night, but she would never say those things. If she did, she certainly wouldn’t do so with such conviction. No, there had to be something else going on here, and I had a sickening feeling I knew exactly what was happening.
Looking down at her hands on my arm, I realized something: I couldn't remember pulling my sleeves down. In my mind, that was more than enough to confirm my worst fears: this wasn’t reality. Sometime earlier in the night, I’d fallen asleep without realizing it, and now, She was trying to get the drop on me.
Snatching my arm out her hands, I narrowed my eyes. “I’m not falling for this.”
The smile that had been on Fluttershy’s face for the past few minutes quickly dissolved into confusion. “F-Falling for what?”
Standing up from my chair, I scowled at her. “This is just another nightmare; I’m not stupid!”
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide as I took a step back. If this were the real Fluttershy, my glare would be met with fear, but she didn’t seem afraid at all, only worried. “Wh–No, wait, Sunset, listen to me. This isn’t–”
“Why would you do this—this, specifically—to me?” I cried, slowly backing away from her. “Is it not enough that you remind me of every shitty thing I’ve ever done every night; that you force me to look at how much worse things could have been? You have to make shit like this up just to get my hopes up?”
Even though I knew it’d do nothing to intimidate Her, I held on firmly to my rage. The fact that I’d realized it before She sprung the trap bolstered my confidence. As terrified as I was, this was a new low for Her, and even if my anger would do nothing more than amuse Her, I was going to make it heard. It was only a matter of time before I saw that nasty smirk of Hers, and once I did, I knew what would come next, so I had to make what little time I had left before then count.
But as I held my intense stare, nothing happened. Fluttershy—if that really was her—didn’t grin wickedly. Her skin didn’t melt into the demon I’d grown so unfortunately familiar with. There was no ear-splitting cackle like I'd come to anticipate. She just stood up and inched toward me, looking as concerned as she was frightened.
“Sunset, just take a deep breath,” she said. “This isn’t a dream, this is real. Everything happening right now is really happening.” Her tone was calm, but nothing about that did anything to quell my panic. If this were the real Fluttershy, my aggression would have sent her running by now.
“Bullshit!” I yelled, continuing to backpedal. “Why don’t you just give up the act already?”
Fluttershy followed with slow, careful steps of her own. “Sunset, please. I promise everything is okay, just—”
“No!” I shouted. “There’s no way any of this is real! You’re not, I’m, I-I–” my heart stopped momentarily, my blood running cold as my back met the wall of Rarity’s house. This was it. I had made the best with what time I had left, but I was right where She wanted me. At any moment, she would lunge forward and latch onto me until I woke up. And when I did, I’d be all alone again.
My back slid against the wall as I let myself fall to the ground, the facsimile Fluttershy slowly moving toward me. Tears quickly filled my eyes, spilling down my cheeks before I had a chance to wipe them away. I curled into myself, cowering and hugging my knees as I waited for the confirmation that all of this—this entire night, and this conversation with Fluttershy—had all been one big trick my mind was playing on me. How could I be naïve enough to believe any of this? Was I that desperate to believe such an obvious trap? Was I finally, truly breaking?
But as the seconds dragged on like days, nothing happened. There was no evil cackle, no taunting, no burning sensations spreading through my skin like I’d grown accustomed to. Instead, a pair of arms softly and steadily wrapped themselves around my shoulders. Their embrace was firm, but not tight. Their body against my own was warm; not searing hot like I was expecting. And when they spoke, their voice was sincere, and every bit as warm as the hug I found myself swaddled in.
“It’s okay, Sunset. Just breathe for me. You’re okay, and everything is fine. You aren’t dreaming, I’m real. All of this is all real.”
If She was still holding to this illusion, she was doing a terrifyingly good job. Each word she spoke was teeming with compassion, and it was getting difficult not to accept the comfort she was trying to give. Would She really have waited this long? In the past, She was rarely this patient, but considering how much worse the nightmares had been, I was afraid to take any chances.
Until she spoke up again.
“It’s really me, and I’m here for you. You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to do this alone anymore.”
All at once, the walls inside of me began to crumble. Such simple sentences, and even though they had been delivered so delicately, they were more than strong enough to penetrate the layers of fear, anger, and disbelief I cowered behind.
Maybe it really was her. Maybe I didn’t have to be afraid. And maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to do this alone anymore.
Regardless, there was nowhere left to run. Whether it was really Fluttershy or just an illusion of her, I was cornered. The only thing left to do was to accept whatever came next, and hope that if this was all one big ruse, I’d wake up soon.
If this was a trick, then so be it. She had finally broken me, and the dam of emotions had collapsed. I could no longer contain myself as I’d been doing for months. Throwing myself at her, I wrapped my arms tightly around her, burying my face into her chest as I began sobbing uncontrollably.
When her grip faltered, I felt my stomach almost fall out of my body. Momentarily, I thought I’d been fooled, and my body tensed as I prepared for the worst. But moments later I felt myself in her embrace once more; this time with an even greater feeling of security than before.
It really was her. All of this was as real as real could get. And as relieving as that was, it only caused me to cry even harder.
Even still, there was still a voice in the back of my mind screaming at me to get up. Even if this weren’t a dream, I looked unbelievably pathetic, blubbering like a newborn foal. I wanted to be mad at myself. I was vulnerable, exposed, and emotionally raw; a way I absolutely hated to be, but I couldn’t pull myself away from her. There wasn’t a single coherent sentence, word, or thought inside me. I couldn’t stop, nor do anything other than what I was already doing: crying and clinging to Fluttershy for dear life.
Sure, maybe I did look pathetic. Maybe I was pathetic. But was that such a bad thing? What had I been doing for the past few months aside from pretending I wasn’t? Was I even convincing anyone aside from myself at this point? Was I even convincing myself anymore? Was my pride too high a price for the comfort I so desperately coveted? The sympathy I was in such dire need of?
The longer I stayed in Fluttershy’s embrace, the clearer the answers to those questions became.
The last thing I remember was her picking me up off the floor of the deck, and both of us entering the house together afterwards. After that, it all got fuzzy. Time became a blur, as did everything around me. Eventually, I pulled myself together enough to speak, and we talked more, but I couldn’t tell you what either of us said. Our words sounded like a different language, yet somehow, I still spoke with her just the same. Everything else that came afterward is completely blank in my mind.
And maybe, that was for the best.
The sharp sound of curtains being scraped across a metal rod suddenly assaulted my ears, followed by harsh beams of blinding light raining down on me. Holding up my hand, I shielded my eyes from the warm sunlight beaming through the living room window. When the light kept shining down on me, I turned over in my sleeping bag to face the opposite direction, preparing to go back to sleep. After all, it was Sunday and I had the day off; what could it hurt to sleep in for an extra few hours? With that in mind, I let out a gentle sigh, ready to drift off for however long my body would let me.
That’s when my eyes shot open.
Sitting up in my sleeping bag, I looked toward the window again, almost falling back down on the floor from the dizziness caused by my sudden rise. I blinked hard until my eyes finally began to adjust to the level of illumination in the room. Rarity was standing over at the end of the window, having just pulled the curtains back. As my cloudy eyes sluggishly adjusted to the waking world, I noticed she was smirking; almost as if she was trying not to giggle about something.
“Well, it’s about time you woke up,” she playfully chided.
“For real,” said Dash who was sitting on the loveseat nearby. “We thought you might have been in a coma or something.” Dash chuckled as she looked at my face. I wasn’t sure what was so funny to either of them, but I was too dazed to care.
“About time…?” I blearily repeated. “Wait, what time is it?”
“Just a touch past one in the afternoon. You were asleep so long that I’m afraid Pinkie Pie and Applejack have already departed, so–”
“One o’clock!?” I shouted.
Rarity’s eyes went wide at my sudden increase in volume. “Yes, darling. I apologize if you wished to be awoken sooner. I tried to wake you multiple times, but you’d turn over and fall right back asleep every time I did. I knew you were exhausted, but if I’d known it was that bad, I’d have suggested we retire earlier in the night than we did.”
“Yeah, it was kinda funny,” Dash remarked. “When I came downstairs after I woke up, she was trapped because you’d rolled over into Rarity’s lap. She practically begged me to help pry you off of her.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Rarity barked. “I told you specifically not to bring that up!”
Dash furrowed her brow. “Aww, come on! What does it matter? Besides, it was funny!”
“Perhaps to you,” she argued, looking away and crossing her arms as she pouted.
“Aheh, sorry about that.” My cheeks burned momentarily. That was a little embarrassing, but I didn’t spend long on that thought. The realization that I’d slept through a whole night without interruption demanded priority over all other thoughts. “I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick.”
Jumping out of my sleeping bag, I practically jogged to the bathroom. It felt a little rude to run away from both of them so quickly, but that wasn’t my concern. As I left the room, I could hear Dash laugh about something, so they probably didn’t even care.
In my hurry to get there, I nearly ran into Fluttershy in the hallway, but I managed to stop moments before disaster.
“Shit!” I exclaimed. “Sorry about that.”
Fluttershy took a couple of seconds to respond, staring up at my face as if she were shocked and confused to see me. “O-Oh, that’s okay,” she replied. “Umm… did you sleep well?”
I wanted nothing more than to scream about the fact that I’d actually slept through the night without having a nightmare, but the emotions bubbling inside of me threatened to turn me into a wreck not unlike the one I became last night. Instead, I just smiled, and judging by the smile she returned, she understood what that meant.
Before I could continue to the bathroom, Fluttershy pulled me into another hug. “Oh, that’s such a relief,” she remarked as she squeezed me tight. Her sudden embrace caught me by surprise, but I was just so elated to have slept that I held her just as close.
As urgent as it felt to run to the bathroom so I could let out all the emotions I was brimming with, I didn’t want to let go of our hug. For a solid minute, maybe two, we just stood in the hallway in each other’s arms. It was probably a little awkward for her, but I just couldn’t help myself. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt rested, and I had her to thank for it. Swallowing as I anticipated another lump rising in my throat, I said the only thing I could muster without breaking down again.
“Thank you,” I muttered. “For last night, and… everything else, too.”
She pulled away, smiling at me as we held each other’s arms. “That’s what friends are for.”
Eventually, she pulled away, and that’s when I took my chance to go to the bathroom. As I closed the door behind me, I faintly heard Fluttershy sternly call Rainbow Dash’s name. Everyone seemed to be acting a little strange this morning, which was worrying. Why were Rarity and Dash trying so hard not to laugh, and why did Fluttershy sound upset with Dash?
As I saw my reflection in the mirror, I quickly began to put everything together. The smile I’d entered the bathroom with quickly fell into a flat expression. On my left cheek was a crude drawing of a dick in black marker, and there was hardly a question as to who would do something like that.
But as quickly as my grin left me, it returned. Dash might have pulled a stupid ‘prank’ on me, but what did that matter? I couldn’t even begin to give a shit. I’d slept through almost an entire night, and not once did I have a single nightmare! That gave me such a good feeling that I could find humor in almost anything.
As I walked away from the mirror and toward the toilet, I sat on the closed lid and held my head in my hands. It felt absurd, but a few tears spilled from my eyes. On a normal day, I’d be annoyed at the fact that I was crying. But, for the first time in a very long time—possibly ever—these tears weren’t borne out of anger, frustration, or sadness. They were happy tears.
Thankfully, I didn’t cry for very long, partially because I was distracted by trying not to make any noise, but also because I didn’t want to spend any more time in the bathroom than I had to. The ‘sleep’ portion of the sleepover might have been over, but I still had some time with some of my friends.
As that thought passed through my head, I smiled even wider. They were my friends. They were my friends. Perhaps it’s something I should have internalized sooner, but at that moment, it finally sank in: I wasn’t alone—not anymore.
Passing by the mirror one more time, I noticed my tears had smeared my new temporary tattoo. Now it was a dick with a nice big smudge of black behind and around it. I thought about trying to wash it off completely, but Rainbow Dash would probably get more of a kick out of seeing how much worse it looked now. Laughing to myself, I exited the bathroom.
Making my way to where everyone was hanging out, I stood in the doorway between the foyer and the living room, leaning against the wall. As I scanned the room, I noticed Dash looked like she might lose it at any second. When I narrowed my eyes at her, she burst into a fit of laughter so hard she almost choked.
“Bahahahahaha!” she laughed hysterically. “Oh man, I’m sorry! But you were just laying there for so long, I couldn’t help myself!” Dash seemed to be the most entertained by her own joke out of everyone else in the room.
“I’m terribly sorry for Rainbow Dash’s juvenile sense of humor, Sunset. It’s partially my fault. I kept telling her not to do it, but I left her alone in the room with you for one minute, and, well…” Rarity’s voice trailed off as she looked away. She was still trying to pretend she didn’t find it funny, but I could tell she was making a valiant effort to hold back a smirk.
Fluttershy rolled her eyes and shrugged, holding a deadpan glare in Rainbow Dash’s direction, clearly a little upset with Dash on my behalf. And if this had been the day before, I might have been a little upset about it, too. Instead, I joined Rainbow Dash in laughing about it. To her credit, it was a little funny. I just hoped it would cleanly wash off before school the next day.
“Very funny,” I sarcastically remarked. “Don’t you think you could have been a little more creative? I mean, like… just a dick? Really?”
“Oh yeah?” Dash contended. “And what would you have done?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Two dicks, probably. One for each cheek”
Rainbow Dash chuckled, pointing at me. “I like the way you think, Shimmer.” Lowering her hand, she looked over at Fluttershy, her lips spreading into a sly grin. “So that means you’re not mad at me, right?” She was clearly asking to absolve herself of any wrongdoing to Fluttershy, but I went along with it regardless.
Crossing my arms, I smirked at her. “You are the actual worst, but no, I’m not mad.” I pointed a finger at her. “That said, don’t think I won’t remember this. I will, and I will have my revenge.”
“Yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?” she replied incredulously.
“Why would I tell you?” I shot back. “You’ll know when the time is right—when it’s already too late—and it’ll be when you least expect it.”
Dash didn’t respond with words, only more laughter. I was only partially joking, though. She’d get hers eventually, but I’d have to give that some serious thought. It’s not like pranks were unfamiliar territory for me, but pulling them off in a way that wasn’t mean-spirited might be a bit of a challenge.
As I glanced over at Fluttershy, I noticed she looked visibly uncomfortable after our exchange. Thinking she might believe I was genuinely upset over this, I shot her a smile and a wink. Thankfully, that silent gesture seemed to put her at ease. Considering all she did to do that for me the night before, it felt nice to give back, even if it was in such a small way.
I was going to remember Dash’s little prank, but I’d remember what Fluttershy did for me more. One day I’d give back to her. I wasn’t sure how, and I was even less sure when; I just knew I had to.
And no matter what, I would. It’s what she deserved.
The next few days after the sleepover were some of the scariest days I ever lived through. That felt weird to acknowledge. Even aside from the fact that every night, I’d go to bed thinking there was a nightmare waiting just around the corner of unconsciousness, nothing out of the ordinary really happened. But that was exactly it—when was the other shoe going to drop?
It was still hard to believe that night with Fluttershy was real. The understanding she gave me, the emotions I felt, the catharsis from letting out months of bottling things up—all of that was very real; uncomfortably so. It was progress, but that was terrifying. Every step forward presents the risk of a longer fall back down. Even if I didn’t trip, there was nothing saying I wouldn’t be pushed, and I was still owed more than a few shoves.
As scary as everything was, and as shaky as my footing might have been, there was one thing I could take comfort in: if this was all real, then it was true—I didn’t have to do this alone anymore.
And it did get a little easier. Not only was Fluttershy behind me, but the girls were right by my side, too. When I arrived at school in the mornings, my friends were always there to greet me, and would walk with me to my first class of the day. If we shared a class, they’d usually walk me to my next, even if their next class was in a completely different direction.
Admittedly, I kind of resented that at first. It felt like another expression of pity. I would have never asked them to do something like that; it wasn’t something I thought I needed, but they did it anyway. Once I realized how much that lessened the ordeal of navigating through the school, I learned to quiet that voice. Because the truth of the matter was: that was something I needed.
Slowly but surely, the sharp stares from the other students softened. That didn’t mean they smiled at me as I passed them by—the discomfort my presence caused was still immediately palpable most of the time—but I didn’t get shoved anymore, and all things considered, that was enough of a reason to be happy.
After that sleepover, things between me and Rainbow Dash still felt uncertain, but the well of tension had dried up. Considering how awkwardly our reconciliation had gone, I wasn’t exactly holding out on us becoming best buds.
But she found ways to surprise me.
At lunch, she made an effort not to talk over me, and the times in which she did, she’d stop and tell me to go ahead. And after lunch, she’d be there waiting for me at the door of the cafeteria before heading back to class. Granted, our classes were right next to each other, so she was headed that direction anyway, but that was something I never expected her to do.
I couldn’t tell what her angle was anymore. That might seem like a bad thing, but I preferred it that way. Since our confrontation in the bathroom, I’d fully convinced myself she was doing this just so Fluttershy wouldn’t be mad at her anymore. Maybe that was still the case, but how often she went out of her way for me made it hard to say.
But it was like Skates had said: as long as we got along, what did her motivation really matter? If things stay cool between us, then eventually, she’ll find more reasons for us to keep being friends.
And so would I.
Still, this wasn’t where I expected our conflict to go. I always imagined it ending in one of two ways: we settle our differences entirely and become best friends, or (more likely) I’d be ejected from the group because we couldn’t stand being around each other anymore. Somehow, we’d landed vaguely in the middle of that. Even if that exceeded my expectations, something about it still felt kind of unsatisfying. I guess a combination of the girls’ reuniting as friends and Princess Twilight’s rousing speech about the power and magic of friendship had given me too much of an idealistic vision of what our future could be.
But hey, at least I won't be a complete social pariah at the Musical Showcase coming up soon. That counts for something, doesn't it?
