The Hoofmaid's Tail

by GaPJaxie

Generational Drift

A request by Herald of Opera:

G1 villains in G4: King Charlatan edition.

King Charlatan, Ruler of All Penguins, Lord of Ice and Snow, sat at Berry Punch’s bar. He was a hulking figure -- ten feet tall, powerfully muscled despite his avian build, wrapped in a black-and-white tuxedo that perfectly matched his natural penguin colors. His crown was woven from a mix of gold and ice, metal sparkling in the depths of those crystals formations which never warmed. He was a warrior, a giant, a wizard, a sorcerer, a king, a figure whose appearance at once projected strength, power, cunning, but also civilized intelligence. Just the sight of him made lesser creatures tremble with fear.

Normally, anyway. Couldn’t help but notice the ponies around him didn’t fear him much at all. He sat hunched over, holding a block of magically conjured ice to his rapidly purpling black eye. Several empty glasses sat in front of him, and two ponies sat on either side of him, ignoring him in favor of their private conversations.

“Refill?” Berry asked. Without waiting for an explicit reply, she made him a black-and-white rum cocktail, the colors so perfectly divided they matched the rest of his appearance.

“What happened to the world?” King Carlatan asked her, eyes downcast. “It didn’t used to be this way.”

“Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis,” Berry replied with a shrug.

“What?”

“The times change, and we are changed with them” Berry repeated herself. “It’s latin.”

“Ponies didn’t used to speak latin.”

“Actually, I’m the only one in town who speaks latin. Though a lot of ponies speak spanish.” Berry indicated Pinkie Pie and the Mane 6 in the back, who were having their own, not unrelated celebration. “We’re trying to be more inclusive and multicultural.”

“Back in the day, we didn’t worry about that.”

“Well,” Berry replied, a tad dry, “back in your day, ponies were pretty dim and shallow. We’re trying to be aspirational, you know? Having a mare speak latin is a little nudge towards the value of education. Teach the little ones good values.”

“The rainbow one kicked me in the face,” King Charlatan growled, rubbing his eye. “Is that ‘good values?’”

“Well, we don’t encourage violence,” Berry says, waggling a hoof. “But teaching little girls to cry helplessly when they’re threatened by a male figure isn’t good values either, you know? They need to take charge of their lives. And you did try to enslave her first.”

The King of All Penguins sighed, lowered his head, and stared down at the bar. Behind him, Rainbow rose up above the Mane 6’s table, using her hooves to pantomime a series of lightning-fast blows.

“Hey,” Berry said, cleaning a glass as she spoke. “It’s not all bad. You’ve still got your Fortress of Frost. That looks way better than it did originally. All those towers of ice, those snowman soldiers. Quality of execution has gone through the roof. You’re like penguin Sauron.”

“The purple one,” Charlatan indicated Twilight. “Heard about the Fortress of Frost, and asked if we could do a special adventure there.”

“See? You’re already set up for-”

“A very special adventure,” King Charlatan said, “about global warming.”

“Oh.” Berry winced, momentarily at a loss for words. All she could manage was, “That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

A long silence came between the two of them, broken when another customer signaled for Berry’s attention. She took a step away, then paused and leaned back over to Charlatan. “Hey, at least there’s fanfiction, right? That’s new.”

“Hardly new,” he snorted, “little girls have been writing their insipid stories about me for thirty years. What is this new generation of fanfiction going to do for me that the old one didn’t?”

“We have adult shipping fics. You can explicitly bang Queen Chrysalis.”

At the end of the bar, the other customer who had been seeking Berry’s attention buzzed her wings. Then, in a flash of green light, she transformed into what could only be described as a ‘sensual lady penguin.’ Frankly, it was a sight Berry Punch could have gone without.

“Well,” Berry finally said. “Maybe if you buy her drink first.”

“Out with the old,” King Charlatan said, downing his cocktail in one swig. “In with the new. Let’s go be non-canon.”

“Oh Celestia,” Berry made a face as King Charlatan rose. “Tell me that’s not your pickup line.”

Comments

[Cerulean Blue]

Changlings can sense when they're being talked about. Also, they're good at slipping bartending ponies a bit or two when someone new and interesting is in town.

[B_Munro]

Amusing, but now I'm a bit put out by the fact this is the only King Charlatan fanfic I've ever seen.

[Bandy]

Glorious

simply glorious

derpicdn.net/img/view/2020/7/24/2406651.jpg

[Mockingbirb]

“A very special adventure,” King Charlatan said, “about global warming.”

[Muggonny]

“Out with the old,” King Charlatan said, downing his cocktail in one swig. “In with the new. Let’s go be non-canon.”

Brilliance comes in small numbers, and this is smallest number of them all.

[The Hat Man]

Funny enough, I had the same idea for a title for a story where G1, 2, and 3 characters would spontaneously take over G4 characters' bodies as the universe began to unravel. King Charlatan would have spawned into a Windigo's body and been a terrible threat for... about 12 seconds.