The Hoofmaid's Tail

by GaPJaxie

An Epic Tail

A request by Stellar Serene:

In pony heaven, Celestia listens to a group of ponies from different periods in history discussing the changes her reign brought to the world.

Privately, Celestia felt that pegasus got cheated in the afterlife. Unicorns and earth ponies got white feathered wings when they ascended to the celestial realms. All pegasus got were halos, and Celestia knew from personal experience that having a light source directly behind one's head could get irritating fast.

Nonetheless, three angels gathered, one unicorn, one pegasus, and one earth pony, all hovering over her palace at Canterlot before an awed crowd of their mortal kin.

“With the passing of Princess Celestia,” the pegasus proclaimed, his voice high and pure, “the heavens themselves shall deliver her eulogy, as we three who lived through three generations of her rule recount the stories of her days.”

“We shall tell the story,” the earth pony said, “of the time she collectivized agriculture, and the resulting famine.”

“Then we shall tell the story,” the unicorn said, “of the time she privatized agriculture, and the resulting famine.”

“Then we shall tell the story of how she attempted local administration of agriculture,” said the pegasus, “and the resulting famine. Truely, she did not quite seem to know what she was doing with agriculture, but eventually she let it alone, and ponies worked it out without her help.”

“And then we shall tell the story,” said the earth pony, “of her days as a blacksmith, for I lived in that primitive era, and though she spent many hours hitting metal with other bits of metal, she was it was observed, a hopeless craftspony.”

“And then we shall tell the story,” said the unicorn, “of her days as a merchant princess, for I lived in the age of sail, and was crew on her flagship as she sold all of North Mareika to the griffons for fifty bits and some food, which she thought was a good deal at the time.”

“And then we shall the story,” said the pegasus, “of the industrial revolution and her days as a Captain of Industry, when drawing upon her previous naval experience, she attempted to put Equestria’s steel industry to sea. Lo, she was pretty much the same with both agricultural and industrial policy, but eventually it worked out without her.”

“And last of all,” said the unicorn, “we shall tell the story of how she united Equestria, for she looked good, regal but also hot, and the ponies of all tribes were desperate for an end to the constant wars, and thought, ‘eh, she’ll do.’ And she did suffice, for her suggestibility as a ruler and total lack of independent political opinions, assured that she was always on the side of whatever cause was most popular at the time, and so her rule was never questioned.”

“And now,” said the pegasus, “she passes from the mortal world, and leaves her kingdom to a nineteen year old girl with no political experience outside of organizing small town festivals. Truely, it is the perfect capstone on her thousand year rule.”

Celestia looked down into the crowd, and saw Twilight staring up at her. Twilight couldn’t see her of course, but there were tears in her eyes all the same.

“Thanks, Princess,” Twilight said to the heavens. “You taught me everything I know.”

Then, after the eulogy, she appointed her best friends to important government posts, without regards to their qualifications.

Comments

[Super Trampoline]

Also that coverart is a thing of beauty. I love this fandom

[TheJediMasterEd]

And she did suffice, for her suggestibility as a ruler and total lack of independent political opinions, assured that she was always on the side of whatever cause was most popular at the time, and so her rule was never questioned

"In other words, nobody hated her. Yep. Seems reasonable t'me."

1kc6192wfbuqzt2py3il3781-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/18535296_web1_190912-NBU-red-green.jpg

[Ciber]

These are some of the best shorts to ever circuit my funny bone.

[NavelColt]

11366723
SockiePuppetry is one of our main G5 and buggo fan artists! They're a delight and create all the time. Here's the source link—didn't see it attached to the artwork.

[Cerulean Blue]

Celestia was just glad Luna hadn't been around for the ceromony to give her two bits worth on the year she'd spent half the annual Equestrian budget on booze and party favors.

[FanOfMostEverything]

To be fair, the resulting reign of the Dark Lady Rarity (after the inevitable coup) was as progressive and even-hoofed as it was fabulous.

Wonderful collection. Thank you for a batch of delightful silliness.

[LordMentat]

*Sees Cover Pic*

ᴛʜᴇ ʙᴀss ᴀɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴡᴇᴇᴛᴇʀs ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴛʜᴇ sᴘᴇᴀᴋᴇʀs ɢᴏ ᴛᴏ ᴡᴀʀ!
ᴀʜ, ᴛʜᴇ ᴍɪɢʜᴛʏ ᴛʀᴜᴍᴘᴇᴛ ʙʀɪɴɢs ᴛʜᴇ ғʀᴇᴀᴋs ᴏᴜᴛ ᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ғʟᴏᴏʀ!

[DawnPaladin]

This is fantastic. Thank you for writing it.

[hiroandre]

Then, after the eulogy, she appointed her best friends to important government posts, without regards to their qualifications.

...Is this a Fallout Equestria prequel? It sounds like a Fallout Equestria prequel.

[hiroandre]

11366775
Ay, 100% same.

[Reese]

So behind on things on FIMFiction, I am, but getting to this at last, at least! Only...
...er.
Over a month after it came out, looks like! Sigh. Well, better than never!

Generational Drift:
"King Carlatan asked her, eyes downcast"
"King Charlatan asked her, eyes downcast"?

"Maybe if you buy her drink first."
"Maybe if you buy her a drink first."?

Hot Like Fire:
"Her horn was sharp like a wizards, her wings wide like a stunt flyers, her"
"Her horn was sharp like a wizard's, her wings wide like a stunt flyer's, her"?

Ancient Lore:
"Alicorn of the Moon, repudiated to be sister to"
"Alicorn of the Moon, reputed to be sister to"?

It's Catching:
"Flam tipped his had to the crowd"
"Flam tipped his hat to the crowd"?

"gestured vaguely in the tents direction"
"gestured vaguely in the tent's direction"?

Pulped Fiction:
"griffon representatives, they each had a little"
"griffon representatives; they each had a little"?

Faith Based:
"Celestia stared aa Luna finished off the bouquet"
"Celestia stared as Luna finished off the bouquet"?

Terms and Conditions:
"“Okay,” Starlight says, “your name"
"“Okay,” Starlight said, “your name"?

An Epic Tail:
"Celestia felt that pegasus got cheated in the afterlife. Unicorns and earth ponies got white feathered wings when they ascended to the celestial realms. All pegasus got were halos"
"Celestia felt that pegasi got cheated in the afterlife. Unicorns and earth ponies got white feathered wings when they ascended to the celestial realms. All pegasi got were halos"?

"bits of metal, she was it was observed"
"bits of metal, she was, it was observed"?

Another excellent collection of writing; thank you for it. :D

[AgentKorpsman]

11367536
Like the cover art