Return to Equestria

by David Silver

1 - Danger Danger

A shrill shriek of horror began things. Fortunately, it did not became a wave across the populace. Though some looked curiously, others ignored it pointedly, as if trying their very best to not look on purpose. The strange creature that walked down the street with a purpose was not one of them.

On the other hoof, he didn't have wings. He didn't have a horn. He didn't fit any of the classic tales of things that would deliver doom upon them. But they were also unknown, so it was a mild step up at best.

"Excuse me." A pudgy mare moved towards him, adjusting her glasses as she went. "You're bothering everypony else."

"Am I? Sorry." The strange biped shrugged his shoulders lightly. "Wasn't trying."

"You are doing an excellent job for 'not trying'." She inclined her head faintly. Her glasses had lashes, just like she did, he noticed. "My name is Phyllis. Do you have a name?"

"David." He offered a hand towards her, to her confusion.

"David, right..." She clearly did not see David as a soothing name.

"You're the mom," he suddenly blurted. "Shit."

"I am a mother, and I would prefer you not use obscenities in public." She huffed in visible annoyance. "How do you know that?"

"Sorry." He held up both hands placatingly. "I was just surprised. Still, thank you. That helps a lot."

"You're... You didn't answer the question." She came in at a circle, squinting at the strange new creature. "Ponies are scared because they don't know who you are. And when you're scared, you have to be prepared."

David considered that a quiet moment. "Assuming you only ever saw the one of me, there isn't much to prepare for. As creatures go, I'm at least 90% harmless. No grand ambitions, no awesome, or scary, powers." He wriggled his fingers. "I do have these, useful things. Speaking of that, since you're here, is there any room for a writer around here, and do you have a typewriter or computer?"

"Neither of those are cheap," she retorted with a fresh frown. "And you don't... seem to be something with a lot of bits... Are do you?" She leaned left and right as if to peek at his pockets. "You have something in there."

"I do." He fished out a wallet, its sides boldly displaying ponies. Sure, they were G4 ponies, the princesses specifically. But he was flipping it open, not focusing on the outside. "I will be super surprised if any of these are valid around here." He fanned out a collection of credit cards.

Phyllis' snout brushed his arm aside, her eyes on something dangling from him. "Why do you have a unicorn hanging from you?" She wrinkled her snoot as she backed a step. "We're supposed to... It's still new, and here you are, some new creature, wearing a picture of one of them?"

He looked to the dangling keychain ornament. It was a unicorn's neck and head, a classic drawing of a horned horse with a mystical background. "Wow, I forgot I was even wearing that, but it fits where I am." He rubbed it lightly before releasing it, his interest already abating. "Speaking of that, sorry, but I'm new here, and I don't want to be a hobo."

"You're going to ask me for money, aren't you?" asked the business owner as if she had much experience with the idea.

"I really don't want to." He shrugged helplessly. "But you need some money to get more money. How it works where I'm from. Is it different here?"

"Do you need any help, Miss Cloverleaf?" A new pony was arriving on the scene, a stallion with a sure smile.

David began to snap a finger. "Oh, you're... you... The sheriff!" The name refused to come to him. "And your buddies!" He was looking at the animals that stood in firm support of their pony friend. "They're just as cute as I would have hoped for." Really, all the ponies were adorable.

Hitch quirked an ear at the strange creature, but his eyes were on Phyllis. She nodded at him, turning away from David. "This strange creature has no bits and was asking me for some. He's a nuisance, but doesn't seem to be a threat." She rolled her eyes as she began to walk away. "Good luck with that one."

"Sorry for the fuss." David half-shrugged with an aborted little chuckle. "Really, not trying to be a pain."

"Nice to meet you." Hitch offered a hoof much as David had a hand before. "Name's Hitch, sheriff of this fine municipality."

"Hitch! Right, that was it." David looked pleased with having the name provided. "David." He met the hoof with a balled fist, bumping the two together, which seemed to work for Hitch. "I wasn't planning to come here, but too late to avoid that. I need to make a living, not looking for handouts."

"You..." Hitch considered David, appraising him without guile. "What are you?"

"Human." David shrugged at that. "Not sure how helpful the name is."

"Not at all." Hitch began to walk past David. "Come with me. Let's get something in you while we figure out what to do with you."

David followed without complaint. A new world, perhaps, but the ponies were still friendly creatures in the end. "I'll eat anything but rice or cheese." It struck him. "Oh... And not flowers or grass."

"Picky eater?" laughed out Hitch.

"Nah." David rolled a hand in the air. "Just don't want to be poisoned. Humans may be omnivores, but we can't eat all the plants a pony can."

---

But that is not how it began. A man typed on his computer. He did that most mornings. He was paid to do so by people who enjoyed ponies and his words enough to pay him to do so. He did not mind the job, if it could be called a job. A side gig? That implied there was a central gig, but there wasn't. He wore many hats and did many things to produce the money that he managed.

But he was proud of what he had accomplished, and he wrote, typing busily about some fanfiction or another, probably a silly one with tired tropes. You wouldn't want to read it.

His dog, Django, rang a bell. It was a trick he had taught the small dog when he was a puppy. When he wanted to go out, he'd bat at some hanging bells to ask for that. David grumbled, but rose, moving to give the dog what he desired. Since the door was open, he exited the house. "May as well check on the rabbit."

He had not owned a rabbit for long. He hadn't planned on starting, but things had happened, and a rabbit resulted. He was the one who took care of it. There was no other person in the house that could be trusted with the task. The rabbit was there, eager to see him by the way it began to move and hop at his approach. He opened the cage and the rabbit hopped free of the hutch, exploring eagerly.

David took the chance to remove the bottom of the top half of the hutch to empty it of what a rabbit makes. He slapped the wood against the ground, and the world ceased to be.

Caught mid-slap, he was still holding part of the hutch in the void he found himself, looking around, confused. "The hell?"

Hey.

The words appeared in glowing letters in the air.

Do I need to explain this?

"Damn it." An explanation was actually not required. David knew what was happening. "Seriously, how is this going to work?"

Do you mean the steps? I thought you would know that.

"Not that." David waved away the idea. "This story relies on the actor, that's me." He hiked a thumb at himself. "--not understanding what's going on. I know. I know way too much for this to work."

Well, maybe with that attitude.

"Using my words against me." David laughed, rather than looking annoyed. "That figures, seeing as you are me."

Sorta but not really?

David hissed a breath, rubbing through his thick hair. "Yeah, I guess that's true. Wouldn't be the first time I argued with myself, and lost."

Probably not the last either. Shall we get on with it then? You know how this works. You get one thing to bring with you. One thing.

"Right, and what I'm wearing or holding right now doesn't count." He put down the fragment of the rabbit hutch that smelled strongly of rabbit bodily functions. "I will not take that, even if it's free. Look, I wrote this story before."

Great, so tell me what you're bringing and stop delaying.

"The better the thing I ask for, the harder the situation. That was all grand and adventurous last time. Boy, was I an idiot. I thought I was old, back then." He rubbed his equally thick but short beard. "Ten years ago was it? I'm middle aged, well in it now. I don't want to be sent to a mountain top."

You already have the answer.

"Right. I'll just go with what I have." He pated his shirt and pants and noticed. "Oh." He lifted his activity tracker attached to his arm. "Will this stay charged?"

No, but if you put it on a wireless charger, it'll charge. They have those.

David was fairly certain his band was not normally wirelessly chargeable, still, a blessing. "Doesn't count against me, right?"

You were already wearing it. I'm not that mean.

"Yes I am." David smirked at the text that was also himself. "Alright, not taking anything. Put me in a nice, not immediately dangerous, place. Are you sure you want to write this? I'm not going to leap into adventure."

You don't know yourself as well as you think you do. Now, to be fair, I should ask where you want to go, but I already know that, and I don't need to pretend I don't.

"We're not having any harems this time, right?"

That's at least partially up to you.

"Gr--" But he was not in a void anymore. He was standing in a busy street, ponies wandering past in either direction. His eyes darted from fuzzy creature to fuzzy creature. All earth ponies. Relatively modernish city. The air smelled faintly of salt, implying they were close to the ocean.

"Maretime Bay," he concluded. "Gen five. Well, damn it. I don't... know much about that." He frowned, one advantage removed. "But I do know ponies."

"Are you a monster?" He looked to the side to see a little colt peering up at him curiously.

"Hello there." David sank down into a crouch to be more on level with the cute little creature. "I'm not here to hurt any pony."

"Tha's good!" The colt reared up, cycling its forehooves in the air. "If you were, I'd have to kick you!"

David decided he was not all that scared of the young colt. "Please don't do that." Not that he wanted to be kicked, even by a foal. "What's your name?"

"You're a stranger." The foal stuck out his tongue. "So I don't gotta tell ya." And off he fled, galloping and laughing in delight. He would not help David, but he hadn't worsened the situation at all.

"Alright... Alright..." David rose back to his full height, considering the city and its possibilities. "Shoot, shoulda brought some coins." He thought to the heavy coins he had at home. Would they have been worth anything? No way to know, and far too late to ask for them.

"Crap, where do I go?" He started down the road, cycling his arms strongly. Always walk like you had someplace to be, that was a motto he had learned long ago and stuck to, in Equestria or not.

A shrill scream broke him from his momentary flow. He had encountered the start of the chapter.

Author's Note:

Welcome! Remember Clueless in Equestria? This is that, told anew. It's still David, that's me! This isn't technically a self-insert, since it is literally me, not a stand in. It is also totally a self insert. You decide! Many typos will result from this.

Join the special community of folks who like my stories, wants to get updates early, and/or get your own here at atreon!

Don't want to do an ongoing thing? You could

Join my discord to chat!

Comments

[overlord-flinx]

And the story goes on.

[Booster Spice]

I wish I could remember the index of the list of things I used to know in detail decades ago. Start with nothing but what I knew?

As for what I used to carry on my person? My coat could take medium animals out as a club.

Its all about how you handle it, and so far Gen 5 has tri schizo enviroments?

[David Silver]

11005161
When did David have a good memory? Lies! Lies I say!

[Buck Swisher]

Imma follow this.

[Trick Question]

But: why would any sane person go back to human?

[David Silver]

11005844
Who went back to human?

[Numinos]

Just how meta is it? : )

[David Silver]

11008633
Well, it has the actual author as a character. That's pretty meta I think! I do try to be true to the characters in the story though, me included! This is not a crackfic.

[howard035]

11008663
Did David get the rabbit before or after he started writing Tsuki stories?

[MatTheBook]

Hitch quirked an ear at the strange creature, but his eyes were on Phyllis. She nodded at him, turning away from David. "This strange creature has no bits and was asking me for some. He's a nuisance, but doesn't seem to be a threat." She rolled her eyes as she began to walk away. "Good luck with that one."

NOW THAT IS VERY OFFENSIVE!
11005197