How far would you go to return to the life you once had?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Why do I feel like this is a reference to Era of Harmony?
11241312
Well, if it is, what do you take from it? I'd say more, but I'd rather let theories and ideas swirl in you and the other readers heads instead
11241330
I didn't finish Era of Harmony yet, so...no comment?
11241362
well, no problems there! This isn't a sequel to that story so that won't stop you from enjoying this to the fullest!
though I'm not sure why you were disliked...
Hello, my friend!
First of all, I want to thank you for still taking the time to write the plot in this story. Don't give up, and keep it up, bro!
When I read Zephyr Breeze POV, I can safely say that I really like it! (although, it's still still not enough and all that...) I'm finally glad that you used Lightning Dust in your plot. I really have been waiting for her appearance for a long time.
And I also noticed how you've become better at describing some of the details. This is especially true of pony gestures, which better convey the feeling of the character. For example, the very place: Ears pressed to the back of the head.
It made me smile and believe that your experience is growing.
avatars.mds.yandex.net/i?id=a789ce95a5eaebffd2c14c517c9ba4c1-5694541-images-thumbs&n=13
She is really beautiful in her own way. Although, I can say that about every mare.😀
Mitch POV
What I read in the first sentence of this POV made me frankly laugh. 🤣
By the way, in principle, the first three sentences can be combined into one paragraph, since they have the same meaning.
Aha! And here are your mistakes: Starburst.
"Ya know, for a wizard this dude has a really messy house." I whispered to Reks as Starlight sat down at a table with Starburst. Noticing a lack of extra stools, Reks and I stood to the side while the little lizard dude started rolling out a ginormous list on a scroll.
First of all, your main character does not know the name of this unicorn! Since Mitch hasn't met him yet, and I specifically double-checked chapter 10. You didn't mention in the story that Sunburst introduced himself when he let in unexpected guests. Accordingly, you cannot write his name in the description when you make such a description on behalf of the Main character. You need to replace the name, but preferably not with a pronoun, but with something like:
A unicorn with a fiery red mane and tail, and no matter how strange it sounds... with a beard. At the same time, he wore glasses, which also looks like a funny reminder of his scientific wisdom.
In general, it was a "raw" example of a description of the appearance of a character whose name you don't know yet.
Well, actually the name itself in this paragraph is not written correctly.
***
Placing my crystal arm on the table, I watched as Sunburst's eyes widened and he looked my arm over enthusiasticly.
It is best to reconsider this proposal, so that there is no "cheap tautology". the word "arm" can be replaced with "magical limb".
***
"Here they are! There's Greed for Generosity, Infidelity for Loyalty, Malice for Kindness, Deceit for Honesty, Misery for Laughter, and Solitary magic to Friendship magic." He listed out before closing the book. "Sadly, it doesnt go into detail about each particular magic type, just stating that they are the opposite of their counterpart and need to be feared."
It seems that you have forgotten the true intent of the canon regarding the Elements of harmony.
Yes, that would be right: Greed *** Generosity
And here I would replace: Betrayal *** Loyalty
(Remember exactly how Rainbow Dash behaved, in season 2, when Discord cast a spell of chaos magic on her. She acted treacherously towards her friends and flew out of this maze)
This is normal: Malice *** Kindness
These are: Lies *** Honesty
Sadness *** Laughter
But there is no such element of harmony: Friendship magic.
Because it is not an element of harmony, but a consequence of the unification of all these elements! And I'm going to hit myself on the forehead with the palm of my hand if you don't understand what I'm talking about.
According to the history of the canon, Friendship Magic did not even exist when the Element of "Magic" appeared. This is simply an "Element of Magic", the purpose of which is to manifest its true natural essence embedded in this magical world (Equus) and give strength to the rest of the elements of harmony.
Tell me, what can you contrast with the word "Magic"? Based on the knowledge of this world in the canon.
Personally, I've been thinking about this question for a long time, and after a little reflection, I didn't find anything other than the word "Technology". Although, that won't be entirely true either. It's just that all life on Equus is based on magic, so you should reflect to understand what will happen if there is no Magic, or replace it with something negative.
Because if you don't, it will be your plot puncture. Although, I'm probably the only reader who notices such subtleties.
I would tell you something else about your text. More precisely, about the style that, to put it mildly, makes me feel... It's like I've been drugged!
Well, Mitch's behavior makes me think about his adequacy. And doubt about his age (26 years).
I've told you about Rex before. This is another dude from your story who makes me feel like a drug addict! 😂
This is definitely one of the alternate universes, in which feeling and behaving like an idiot - is quite normal! 🤣
Seriously, bro! I finished reading this chapter, and realized that next time, I need to buy a couple of bottles of beer. I mean, when I start reading the next chapter.
Especially when I was reading the last part with Discord, I began to feel confusion and tension in my head. I didn't understand what was going on at all!?
But you don't have to answer that question.
Well, see you in the next chapter!
11246588
Hey! Thanks for the read! And I'll be glad to clear some things up:
Even if Sunburst doesn't state his name, Starlight does in the previous chapter during her confrontation with Mitch, where Mitch connects the dots and puts the name to the unicorn he had to find. (I'll will go back and find that Starburst typo though.)
As for the magical intent of the opposites of Harmony, I have 2 things to say:
1- those were the objects of Discord and his magical influence in that episode. While they could be seen as opposites in that sense, I decided to alter it slightly to fit my own story (Don't make me tap the "Alt Universe" Tag sign, this sort of stuff can be left up to the reader after all
2-most of the words I used as opposites to the elements of Harmony still work. Misery contradicts what Laughter brings and Solitary is the word for being alone, something the magic of friendship wouldn't stand with.
Of course, if you prefer the shows version, that's alright too. They just won't be used here in my story the same way Discord used them.
The last part was supposed to be slightly confusing, as it pulls a new character into the story all the while hinting at some things to come later.
11246691
The fact that you say, "Starlight called the name Sunburst" is good.... good...
But the question remains open to you as a writer: "And how did Sunburst know that his name was already familiar to two (dorky guests)? Or did you just decide to cut down on equally important and quite logical details again? You could at least write this character more alive. Whoever he turns out to be. It seems to me that he would have shown at least a drop of respect and courtesy by giving his name. Do you understand what I'm getting at?
That is, you wrote this part without completely immersing the reader in this world. Superficially.
It seems to me that if you had added a couple more paragraphs (without being too lazy to do it), it would have been much better.
Of course, you can close your plot errors using the Alternative Universe tag. Only if you do it more noticeably, then it starts to raise a lot of questions.
Of course, you will still get comments: WOW! It's still an amazing story. I can't wait for the next chapter! and all that.
Yes, but at the moment you have come up with a lot of things that are not in the canon, and this makes it very difficult to understand the meaning. And you further worsen the perception (understanding of the plot) by writing 1/5 of a full-fledged chapter in which the idea of the main plot is reduced to one simple thing. A guy who behaves unusually for his age just wants to go home. And how exactly he should do it... again, it raises a lot of questions in the plot plan.
Mitch and Rex calmly, like two cultural tourists in this city, just want to visit the palace, during a grand celebration. At the same time, all ponies, in general, do not care that some jerks are running around their city! That is, they are not suspicious of it. (I realized this is again a manifestation of the "Alternate Universe" Tag)
That's because of such a plot, I'm telling you that I'm starting to feel like a drug addict when I read this! Addicts are also in their own universe, in which logic and laws act as they want. In your case, it's... fuck... very noticeable.
Okay... I've already realized that I'm wasting my time, and it's not the first time I've had a discussion with you about the subject of the plot.
Now I don't care how exactly you will write your story next. Next time, I'll leave a comment too.: "Wow! Finally a new chapter! Keep writing amazing work further."
Does such a comment bring you a lot of pleasure?
11246754
OK, Bud. I get the Sunburst name part, and I'll probably go back and look it over to see where I can fix that.
(Apologies to anyone else who's about to read this, I'm about to go on a rant)
But the fact that your saying that I'm using the Alt Universe tag as a "plot error removal" is absolutely retarded. There's no written law stating that I have to follow What Discord did to the elements of Harmony in that episode, and I KNOW your not giving me shit about that when hundreds of people are just as creative about the laws of magic in Equestria.
See that word in that paragraph? CREATIVE? That's what Fiction writers do. The whole point of Fanfiction is to allow people to flex that creativity through the love for their TV show or movie or game. Of course, there are things that have to stay Canon regardless of what the writer wants (Such as character names and place names in the world) but, things that are NOT BUILT ON by the series are pretty open to be changed at will.
I can understand 80% of your previous comments error fixes (because they are legitimate stuff I missed or couldve done better in writing out) but I am NOT going to just sit here and take shit-born comments about being lazy and using Alt. Universe as a cop-out on the chin. If it bothers you that much that I write alt Universe things to the show then stop reading my stories.
11246875
I'm not begging you to change your creative thinking and other fantasies. That's all great, but you clearly didn't understand the meaning of my words.
If you are coming up with something completely new, then it would be nice to devote airtime to give as much explanation as possible to the reader. Of course, it is necessary to maintain a balance, and not to turn such a text into a "documentary project".
Yes, I criticize you on various points in the plot, and I do it persistently, starting with the "Era of Harmony". I have never missed a single paragraph, even if it was painful for me to look at it. Show me at least one user who showed the same persistent patience, and each time gave comments in the next chapter! (It is from the "Era of Harmony") At the same time, such a comment does not look like empty words and flattering words. And you know me very well, I have always wanted your work to continue not only to release the next chapter, but also to give a real effect that will make the reader find himself in this story himself. The reader could read this piece of the chapter several times and always get a "WOW" effect.
And if you show such a stubbornly loyal user, then I will apologize to you, remove the story from "tracking/favorites" and stop reading.
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You have the same stubbornness as me.
11246889
I feel like we are running circles around each other at this point, so I'm just going to drop this and say that I strive to make each chapter from here on out better than the last, as I always do. (Whether that's by boosting details or making scenes feel more realistic)
11246894
Take my word for it, I believe in you and your efforts since we became acquainted on this site. And it was Chrysalis who became the one who combined our creative plans for our stories. Although, each of us had our own Chrysalis.