How far would you go to return to the life you once had?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Things are getting interesting. can't wait for the next chapter.
11224102
Ya think so, huh? And Thanks! things will get .ore in depth as Mitch and Reks slowly seep into the sidelines of the Crystalling episode, though they will have their part to play in it, just not what most people will expect.
When, I started reading this chapter... To put it mildly, I was disappointed.
I was counting so much on you to write a more interesting scene (in which the problem with the lack of money to pay the bill is solved). And when Mitch was able to do some work in this cafe, and with a tired and at the same time satisfied look, sat down again at the table where Rex is sitting, then he would have received a brilliant answer.
Rex grinned. "Heh... Of course, I understand that you wanted to help us both out of this awkward situation, and pay our bill... BUT! Actually, I had money with me for such expenses! However, I didn't say anything when I saw such enthusiasm in your eyes. And the way you went to the basement with that mare! Damn it! If Piper were here, we'd start betting." Rex answered my unasked question, and seeing how my expression was changing, he hurried to add: "But you liked paying the bill in this way, didn't you?"
Now, if you wrote something like that, then it would be interesting to read, and it fully corresponds to a Mature rating. But the plot path that you chose... Unfortunately, I don't quite understand how this should attract. After all, it's boring! Rex is generally a separate topic for discussion and criticism.
P.S. I wrote such a comment after reading the very first paragraph in this chapter.
Yeah. Your ponies have no curiosity at all. Okay, at least some mare (as you call them "female ponies") asked him about who he was.
Mitch also lacks curiosity and interest in what is happening around him. And by the way, right in front of his eyes is a crowd of ponies and some kind of grand celebration is planned.
I will run out of fingers on my hands to bend them, listing a bunch of missed opportunities for description in the plot.
Although, of course, I guess that it's not the main thing for you to describe such details and immerse the reader even more in the atmosphere of the plot. Because of this, everything turns out pretty quickly, briefly and sometimes insanely.
Especially when Rex knocked him down to give him a foot massage. This Rex is starting to make me suspicious of his adequacy. Of course it may be part of his character, but... it's not what kind of companion you chose for your mission, it's starting to get annoying. Especially when Mitch is trying to guess from Rex's gestures what he wants to say.
It still seems to me that you dug yourself a pit trap when you chose this path in character development.
Well, what you promise in the "Author's Note" is certainly intriguing. I hope to finally see something more serious. Action, chases, fights with royal guards, trips to a local strip club, dozens of liters of alcoholic cocktails, sex on a billiard table or on the throne of Princess Cadence, and similar mature topics.
Of course, I'm still following this story, and I apologize if my comments are delayed. However, I honestly tell you that this whole story, so far, does not correspond to a mature rating. All the scenes are happening too fast and abbreviated. A lot of missed world building and character reactions. The main character is in such a hurry to get home that it is noticeable throughout the story. This is reflected in the hundred-word scenes that you love to write so much.
Yes, I agree that writing a story can sometimes be really difficult... can't think of normal ideas and how to describe the plot more effectively and in detail. I understand perfectly well that this is really hard work.
Well, good luck writing the next chapter, I'll be waiting! And I hope my expectations will be met.
11224318
Well, to be honest, the reason the recent chapters have been smaller is due to business on my part. after this week, I'll have literally no college to worry about for 4 months.
Again, Reks is a unique situation. He's not mute, he just doesn't talk to people most of the time. There will be a time he does use his voice, but that won't be for a little while.
And Mitch not having curiosity doesn't make sense when he literally found a mare and had a decent conversation about what they were doing in the first place at the castle, he's also just preoccupied with dealing with the crystal casing on his arm and the dark magic inside of it.
I do see your point about the world though, and I'm probably going to slow down Scenes from here on out to make the details finer. And don't worry about not reacting to chapters in good time, your just as busy as I am, friend!
11197524
It's not really they get much attention it's that they're made as dumbasses that enslave as we seen them only once in the entire fucking show with encounter with the twitch thot.
Although please (even though it's your story) don't make him fall for rarity's bullshit.
11232363
Exactly what I'm hoping to circumvent here. Rarity and her "Whining powers" won't work on a dog who actually has brain cells, trust me on that. (That was honestly the most disappointing thing about the dogs in the show)
11232369
That to but have you seen or heard of pokimane?
Yes that's her streaming name
11232372
uh yeah, I've seen a bit of her, why?
Intriguing story so far, hope to see more soon!
11232565
Thanks! Glad you like it!