The Adventures Begin

by Dragon Shimmer

New member in the team...

Everything went black. When the trio awakens, they found themselves surrounded by some kind of farm, not a soul or even a road to be seen. The sun looks to have moved, now about three hours closer to sundown.

"Wha-what just happened? I told you guys not to touch that thing. I felt my magic being drained from me. I don't think I can use it now." Natalie supposes as she feels her magic is nearly drained out.

"It looks dead. Smell dead too. Never expect anything like this to happen. It's probably still out there, doing who knows what." Lance replies as he was waving the gun - sword.

Natalie suggests, "well, I guess we've landed pretty far from there. This landscape is unfamiliar. It Looks like a farm in some village. Guess we better have a look around."

"I just want my swords back, I spent years stealing these," Matt pissed as he lost most of the sword.

Lance glares at Matt, "that's not an imitation of concern, but I guess we'll need to recover our skills and weapons at some point,"

"Fine, let's go,"

As the team began their first step, they heard someone screaming from the sky
.

"AAAAAAAA ahhh" Sunset screams when she is falling from the sky.

Natalie yells, "Look out!" but it was too late. Sunset and Matt are already headbutting each other.

"Ouch. What the hell got dropped onto my head?' Matt whimpers.

"What have I dropped into?" Sunset whines and touches her head with her front hooves. The trio turns their head toward the voice and is surprised.

"Whoa," they prepare for the worst and Sunset is no exception. Her horn is shining to prepare for anything bad that happens.

They stare at each other for a long time. That was boring to Matt as the unicorn doesn't move. He grabs these two and begins whispering to them.

Matt asks, "do you know what it is?".

"I don't know, but she's so cute for me," Natalie says in a pleasant tone of voice.

"I bet you've hugged the slime before," Lance teases her, earning a smack from Natalie. "It's just a joke."

"Look, how about we start interacting with it? Maybe it will be useful to us like Noleg." Matt has a crazy idea that Natalie liked, but Lance didn't

"Alright ... Since our power is gone, I think this is the best idea," Lance said in an annoying tone. "But don't drop our defense." Matt and Natalie nod in agreement.

Matt volunteers, "Okay... I will go first."

"Be careful, okay?" Natalie says as Matt nods

In the meantime, Sunset continues to defend herself as they try to do anything. The moment she sees that they are whispering something, she creates a barrier to protect herself and waits for them to move. Suddenly, the yellow-haired man comes closer to her slowly, still holding the sword in his hand. Sunset is now in a battle stance to caution.

"Hey, we don't mean any harm, can you please drop this barrier? We came to talk."

Sunset is surprised that they can talk, but she narrows her eyes at the man, thinking he may be lying with that sword. Sunset shakes her head. Matt steps back, surprised that Sunset understands what he said, and wonders why she says "no". In response, the mare looks at his sword knowing why he was doing it, so he drops it to demonstrate his good intentions. The unicorn continues to glare at the two as they are holding their weapons.

"Hey Natalie and Lance, could you drop your weapons?" Matt asks as Natalie and Lance are startled.

Lance replies, "Are you crazy? It may be dangerous,"

"Trust me OK?" Matt gives them a thumbnail that's as annoying as they are.

"Fine," Natalie says, "this time we trust you." Lance and Natalie drop their weapons.

The yellow-haired man then turns to the unicorn and says, "There, we have no weapons left. Would you mind dropping this barrier?" Sunset sees Matt come closer and shakes his hand. Matt introduces himself with a smile."I'm Matt, nice to meet you," Sunset nods for understanding. Matt waves his hand at them, indicating they are in safe territory.

"Awwww, she is so cute," Natalie says with glee, and rushes to embrace Sunset, but Sunset teleports away, much to the surprise of the mage.

"Woah, she can teleport. Now I'm feeling better about my decision." Lance states cautiously.

"Well... How about we sit here and talk? She understands what we say." Matt says, Lance and Natalie's eyes widened in surprise.

"I understand. An introduction will be helpful. "I'm Lance". He points to Natalie "This is Natalie" then points to Matt, "you already met Matt" The unicorn nods for understanding. "So what your...wait I don't know if you can talk or not."
"Maybe we should give her a name?" Natalie suggests. "Uh, Bacon?" the unicorn shakes its head. "Uh... Butter" the unicorn shakes head "Uh .... Lantern? I don't know" the unicorn giggles.

"What is so funny?" Matt asked
The unicorn answers, "Funny that you don't know my name, but have seen what my body looks like." Sunset Shimmer turns her head to the trio, "My name is Sunset Shimmer, and I am a unicorn."

"You can talk all the time?" Natalie asks as Sunset nods, "oh man, I thought I had a pet like Matt." She says with a disappointed tone. Sunset laughs, "that's funnier than I expected."
Natalie asks the unicorns annoyedly, "You done yet?"

Sunset replies, "Yeah, I'm done,"
Lance asks, "What are we going to do now?"

Sunset suggests, "How about we sit down and talk?"

"Sounds good to me," Matt replies as the trio sat near Sunset

When Sunset and the human team sit down on the ground, Sunset says first.
Sunset asks them,"Where am I?"

Matt tells Sunset, "We don't know either, because we are teleported by something like Arkon, which drains our power too,"

Sunset inquires, "Do demons exist here? I think I'm in another world so far." She notices something was wrong.

Natalie asks, "Why did you say so? Demons don't even exist in our world since we met one in the dungeon." Natalie refuses to believe that.

Sunset simply replies,"While you all meet one means it exists right now, and my world doesn't have any demons or humans like you, they're just fairy tales."

"Hmm... You're right, our world does not have any ponies or unicorns. So welcome to Earth(en)." Lance thinks and welcomes her.

"You seem like a nice pony. How about we share our lives?" Matt comments, "I don't even know what kind of life my teammate has lived." Sunset nods in agreement with his teammate, as well.

Matt volunteers, "Ok... Mine first."

The moment they share their personal lives, even Sunset just met them, they eagerly shared their personal lives, to Sunset's surprise, and she decided to share hers for fairness. Some are good, some are bad, and some are tragic, but they are all together. The introduction of their personal lives has been completed. They start a new topic.

Lance asks Sunset, "So, is your land modern or not?".

Sunset answers, "To compare military technology, my land is less technologically advanced, as we still use spears and don't have weapons like yours that are called guns,"

With a smirk, Lance waves his hand, "That's boring to me.".

"How about the way you cast magic? Are only unicorns and alicorns capable of casting spells, because they have horns?"
Sunset replied, "So far, only two races can cast magic.

Matt questions, "So what if that horn is cut off?"

"We can still cast magic, but it will take more effort." She signs, "I am not sure how to get rid of this weakness though, a magic inhibitor wears on the horn and they will no longer cast magic until it wears off."

Natalie thinks as she ponders something. "How about we train with you in magic and physical training?" Natalie suggests as Sunset's eyes widen. "I think some of your knowledge fits into ours," Sunset nods as Natalie continues. "But you have to agree with us on something?" Sunset tilts her head curiously.

Lance tells her as he hands her a piece of paper and a pen. "You'll have to sign this contract and join our team," Sunset is puzzled at the contract.

Sunset asks Lace, "How do you trust me that quickly? Do you imagine I'll backstab you or something? And why does this paper only have dots and dots?"

Matt disagrees, "we trust you because you told us about your personal life. That means you can be trusted." Sunset slimes at Matt.

As Lance chuckles, he continues, "Sign this and I will translate it for you," and Sunset is quite suspicious of what he is proposing.

Sunset questions with a suspicious tone. "How can I trust you? This is your... password or something?"

"Just sign it, we don't mean harm," Lance raises his hands to show that he has no weapon.

"....Fine," Sunset signs the contract, "Though I am still suspicious about this..." She gives Lance the contract, "Here you go."

He replies, "Thank you; now I'll introduce you to the Morse code."

" Okay, what is it?"

"It's the code that is used to secretly contract information to others. Our world's military usually uses it. Here, let me translate for you." Lance said with a grin as he starts translating the code to English, writing it onto the paper, and giving it to Sunset.

Sunset looks at it and reads out loud: "First, make sure you join our team training. Second, don't leave the party without permission from your teammates. Third, don't reject the training we give you." Then Sunset's eyes widen and her mouth drops. She knows that she falls into their training trap. "Yo-you all trap me all this time?" Sunset asks and the trio grins evilly.

"Yes," they said in union and Sunset facehoofs.

"...Fine but can I know what my training lesson is?" Sunset asks and hopes that it was not an impossible lesson.

Natalie answers with an innocent smile "Well...You have to train 16 hours a day, and we train with you too to regain our power back."

"About your lesson", Matt says, "You have to learn how to walk by two of your back hooves and learn the new ways to cast magic."

Sunset's eyes widened. "Hey, that's impossible for me you know,"

Sunset tried to retort but Lance put a finger to shut her mouth and says"you are a part of our team now that means you have to break some limit. For us nothing is impossible unless you give up," he says with an evil grin "Are you clear?"

At this, Sunset knows there is no way to get away from them, "Fine," she agrees. "Geez, you three are so evil, aren't you?

"Maybe," they answers in unison and smiled innocently at her.

Sunset double face hoofed and whining, "This is going to be a long day."

Author's Note:

Well, i hope I this is a good start and...Help i need to find a way to add picture.

Comments

[krazykatboy]

Alright then, in that case let me get started on this chapter too.

The teleport spell of Arkon makes the trio faint. They teleported to a nameless town and lay on a farm for about three hours without anyone knowing. After 15 more minutes, the trio starts to awaken and rub their heads.

-This is a good time to highlight the old adage of "Show, don't tell". Granted that it can be a bit difficult to do in some cases, but it's a good habit to try and get into. My personal method would be something like this:

Everything went black. [Common euphemism for passing out] When the trio awoke, they found themselves surrounded by <INSERT CROP HERE>, not a soul or even road to be seen. [Shows the environment from the character's point of view, rather than outright stating it] The sun looked to have moved, now about three hours closer to sundown. [An indirect method of declaring how much time passed. Exact time spans don't matter in most cases and, when telling time without a clock, typically extremely difficult]

"Wha-what just happened? I told you guy that not to touch that thing. I feel my magic being drained from me. I don't think I can use it now." Natalie said as she feels less magic inside her body.

- 1) Again, past tense, but I'm assuming these first few chapters were written close to the same time. 2) Minor redundancy here; there's no need to state she felt less magic if she outright states it in her dialogue.

"It looks dead. Smell dead too. Never expect anything like this happened. It's probably still out there, doing who knows what." Lance said as he quite annoyed

- Tense. Okay, this is where "Show don't tell" can get a little difficult. Lance is annoyed, but how does he show it? Does he scowl when talking? Mumble under his breath? Shake his head? These sorts of little details help add personality, quirks, and habits into a character. There is, predictably, quite a bit of leeway on this, you don't have to do it constantly or even consistently, but it definitely helps.

"Well, I guess we've landed pretty far from there. This landscape is unfamiliar. Look like a farm in some village. Guess we better have a look around." Natalie suggested.

"I just want my swords back, I spent years stealing these," Matt whining as he lost most of the sword.

- As it's written, Natalie's statement and the description of Matt's reaction is a tad redundant for the readers. The reason for Matt's redundancy is the same as the last note on redundancy: No need to state in narration what is already declared in speech. Also, Matt's reaction seems... muted. It may be in line with the source material, but there's no need to follow the source material to a T. If I was Matt, finding out my massive stockpile of weapons were (re)stolen, I'd be pissed, not just whining, at least for a time.
As for the redundancy in Nat's statement, you already stated it's a farm, which implies the characters themselves came to this conclusion already. It's not as redundant as the others, since this wouldn't be too bad if the narration wasn't so recent, but it still feels like the story's repeating itself.

Look, how about we start interacting with it? "Maybe it will be useful to us like Noleg." Matt had a crazy idea that Natalie liked, but Lance didn't

- Other than the quotation error, this sentence would probably read better if the quote was in the middle of it, with Matt having the crazy idea, stating it, and then the two reacting. Again, it's about following cause and effect. Sometimes it's good to break away from it, but most of the time doing so makes things read awkwardly.

Shaking her head means "no". Matt is surprised that Sunset understands what he said and wonders why she says "no".

- First sentence isn't an action, but a statement. Better to say that she shook her head, then Matt connecting the dots (such a simple bit of logic even he could do it). Secondly, again, is tense, "... why she said no" not says. Thirdly is again how did Matt show his surprise? Did he pause to blink as he processed what she did? Did he take an instinctive step back? Did he simply keep himself from showing a reaction (which is, paradoxically, a valid way to show reaction)? Remember you can assume the reader has at least passing knowledge of the characters, but not everyone knows their personalities.

As Lance smiled, he said, "Sign this and I will translate it for you," and Sunset was quite suspicious of what he was proposing. But she is confident they are trustworthy and signs the paper.

This feels OOC for Sunset, although maybe your take on Sunset is more trusting and optimistic than most interpretations. After all, she's blindly signing a contract with no knowledge of its contents, the kind of thing that can ruin you when you have to deal with nobles on the daily basis.

Other than those standouts, the rest of my feedback is just more of the same; keep an eye on tense, show don't tell, and cause and effect is your friend. I will recommend more detail in major events, such as Sunset's arrival and teleportation, if only to make them stand out more.

[Dragon Shimmer]

10876885
That why I put the warning , Because I try to recreate most in character Sunset as possible. *face down the table*

P/S: you can be my editor if you interested.