In which Cheerilee finds Twilight unfit

This had to stop. It was one thing to be accosted in public by drunken ponies, it was something entirely different when they invaded your home. It was something even more entirely different when those ponies were the rulers of the world in which you lived.

Cheerilee walked – no, trotted – no, stomped – through town, completely unaware of the morning around her. She didn’t care how pleasant the mood was, how comfortable the temperature was, how happily the birds sang, or how cheerful the denizens of Ponyville were. She was in a mood and it was the type that fell under the umbrella term ‘negative’. If she had currently been in the schoolhouse teaching a class, she would have her students come up with appropriate adjectives to describe her mood at the moment. She would have accepted tired, annoyed, frustrated, confused, and aggravated, to name a few. Extra points to the one who guessed ‘slightly violated’.

She’d spent the better part of last night calming herself after the encounter with Princess Cadance. She’d cleaned up the spilt wine in her bedroom, but not before shooing Berry Punch out of her house. After all that she’d tried to get back to reading her book but her mind wouldn’t let her, no matter steamy the plot was getting. She ended up pacing around her house enough for her to make a trip to Zecora’s and back. Her mind raced with so many questions. Try as she may, however, she couldn’t seem to answer any of them. She knew somepony who might be able to do so.

“’Sup, Cheers!” chimed Rainbow Dash, floating upside down above her, snapper her out of her brooding. “AJ said you shacked up with Mac the other night. Tryin’ to claim him for yourself, huh?” she chuckled. “’Bout time, right?”

“Shut it, yolk brain!” Cheerilee snarled.

Great. Just great. Now word had spread about that. It had been Luna’s fault. She’s the one that made Cheerilee spend the night with Big Mac. It’s not something she’d have done otherwise. But Luna’s talk of taking Mac herself had caused Cheerilee to take initiative. It was a spur of the moment one-night stand – though Cheerilee certainly wouldn’t decline more – but now that Rainbow Dash knew the entire town would know on short order and she would certainly gain a reputation as a hussy. Damn that blue alicorn! And that blue pegasus! The teacher stomped on, leaving an insulted Rainbow Dash in her wake.

A few minutes later and she reached her destination. She climbed the steps of the castle and pounded unceremoniously on the door. There was no answer. She pounded again. Still no answer.

“Twilight!” She waited impatiently. “Twilight! I need to speak with you!” She pounded on the door again. “Twilight! Please. This is…urgent.” She pounded again. No response. “Twilight!”

The door creaked open. “Uh, Cheerilee, this may not be the best time,” said Spike, peering through the crack, his voice quiet.

Cheerilee twisted her face in annoyance. “Move it, short stack!” she growled, pushing the door open, barging past the dragon.

“Um, I really don’t think she can handle guests right now,” Spike announced, hurrying after the teacher. “Really.”

“She’s a princess, isn’t she? This is part of the job.” Cheerilee was in no mood to entertain the idea that Twilight may be too busy, no matter how plausible it may be. Nor was she willing to be deterred by Spike. No matter how cordial and friendly she was with him typically, right now he was an obstacle and that’s how she was going to treat him.

“Seriously, Cheerilee,” Spike begged, “you should just come back another time. Maybe in a few days. She’s…not well.”

“I’m not well. She’s the only one I can think of that will be able to fix this.” She trotted on, leaving Spike behind.

The castle could be confusing if you were new to it. Doors and corridors leading every which way were incredibly disorienting to newcomers. Fortunately, Cheerilee visited often and knew exactly where her destination was. She figured Twilight would be there. A left, a right, then up a level, another left, and finally she reached her destination. She didn’t bother knocking on these doors. Twilight had extended an open invitation some time ago, giving Cheerilee permission to use the library whenever she wanted, no knocking required.

She opened one of the double doors and immediately her heart sank. She was assailed by the familiar scent of alcohol. Cider, specifically. Maybe mixed with something stronger as well.

“Twilight?” she called reservedly when she didn’t see the lavender alicorn upon initial inspection. “Are you here?” She didn’t get a response. “Are…are you present?” She guessed no to the second question. A small shuffling noise next to the shelves to the left caused her to startle.

A pony-sized pile of books began to move. A few of the codices slipped off the pile, revealing a leg and wing of a lavender pony. Sighing, Cheerilee walked over and began removing books form the pile. After Twilight had been mostly uncovered, the teacher reassessed the situation.

The alicorn was laying on the floor, though a few books remained pinned under her. One book was propped askew on her face, opened to a seemingly random page. She was conscious – barely – and muttering something quietly to herself. Her eyes were a tad glazed, giving the impression that she wasn’t really seeing the pages at the end of her snout. Cheerilee lifted the book.

“H-hey. I was…reading? that.”

“I take it you’re not fit to…do anything. I guess Spike was right.”

“I’m fit!” Twilight defended. “I’m Spike! Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout.”
Cheerilee shook her head in defeat. “Twilight, I’m going to talk with you. Check that, I’m going to talk to you. Honestly, talking with you seems like a fruitless venture at this point. I’m going to tell you what’s happened to me the past two days and maybe, somewhere in that pickled brain of yours, you could find a kernel of wisdom or advice. So, here it goes.”

She relayed the events of the past two days. She did her best to keep her sentences short and words as monosyllabic as possible. After about five minutes of summarizing her predicament as succinctly as possible, she waited for Twilight to respond. Waited for any kind of response, really. Most of the time Cheerilee had been speaking Twilight just stared blankly at her, occasionally her eyelids participating in slow, uncoordinated blinks. Finally, a response came.

“Ch-Ch-Sch-Sheer. Sheeri…” Twilight desperately tried to form words and languidly rolled over. “Sheer.” She snorted with laughter. “Sheer. Sheerilee. Sheer-ila. Sheerilace.” She gasped loudly. “Sheer Lace! Pfft! Ha! Pfft! Sheer Lace. What a silly name. But a sexy one. Wuhdar…are yous doing teacher foals with a name like that?” She chuckled to herself.

“Okay, you know what, I’ll come back another time.” Cheerilee turned to leave but was stopped.

“No! Don’t leave me! Yers alls I got!” Twilight was tightly hugging one of Cheerilee’s hind legs.

“Twilight, look, you’re clearly not well. I’ll just come back.”

“Nooooo! Please. Don’t…leave. Meeeeeeeeeeee!”

“Ugh. Okay, fine. But I’m going to sober you up.”

“EW! Pfft, ew. So. Brrr. L. Oooooooooh. L. Ew. Whatcha talkin’ ‘bout, fool? I’m sobrawr! Rawr!” She mimicked a cat swiping.

“Twilight, I’m serious. I have a very serious problem and I need you to help me fix it. And the only way you’re going to do that is by being sober.”

“I…I find that offensiff. You’re suppose’ta love ponies for who you are. Why do you want me to change? Don’t you love me?” she whimpered and put one her best pouty face.

Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Twilight, you’re a good friend but you’re in no condition to be of any help right now. So let’s get you some water. A lot of water.” She began to move again but found that Twilight was still clinging to her leg. Grunting in frustration, Cheerilee pressed on, slowly dragging the princess across the floor with every step. She stopped. “Where is the kitchen?” she asked.

“The kitchened?” Twilight gasped. “But…I didn’t know we had that kind of relationship. Yous wanting to take it to the next level.”

Cheerilee closed her eyes and took several long deep breaths. With a long exhale, she responded. “No, Twilight. We need to get water. It’s in the kitchen. Where’s the kitchen?”

Twilight giggled. “I’ve never done anything like this. Shhh! Shhh! Don’t Spike tell. He thinks he’s I’m in love with a foosball.” She burst into laughter.

Cheerilee growled. “This is ridiculous. Spike! Spike, I need your help!”

“Noooooo!” wailed Twilight. “Don’t! He won’t approve of us!”

“I don’t approve of us. This. I don’t approve of this.” She shook her leg, trying to get Twilight off. The princess maintained her grip. “Ugh. Whatever.” She continued dragging Twilight across the floor, making slow but steady progress into and down the hall.

“Twilight, where’s the kitchen?”

“In your heart, my love,” was the reply, followed by a snort and giggles.

“Spike!” Cheerilee was nearly seething by the time the dragon showed up, cautiously approaching the teacher and her baggage.

“Um…what…what do you need?” he asked reluctantly.

“What does it look like?” Cheerilee snapped. “Either get her off or at least tell me where the kitchen is.”

“Spike,” mumbled Twilight, “she’s taking me to the kitchen. I’m so ashamed. Don’t look at me.”

“Ooookay, Twilight, let go of Cheerilee. She’s trying to help.”

“NO! She’s my new Smarty Pants!” Twilight nuzzled the leg to which she so desperately clung.

“Her what?” asked Cheerilee.

“Oh boy, that’s not good,” Spike groaned. “Twilight, if you let go of Cheerilee I’ll go find your original Smarty Pants.”

“No deal, larva face! This one’s mine!”

“Twilight, c’mon,” Spike began, “this isn’t like y-”

A bright flash and loud snap told Cheerilee that Spike was no longer participating in the conversation.

“Where’d you send him?” Cheerilee asked, looking around.

“Pfft! Sent him to yo’ momma! HAHAHAHA!” She instantly sobered. “Oh no, I sent him to Ember’s kitchen. What have I done?” She hugged Cheerilee’s leg even tighter and began to weep.

“Oh, for crying out loud,” grumble Cheerilee. She growled to herself and continued trudging again, dragging a distraught princess.

Even though she had been in the castle a several times, it hadn’t been enough to really know where everything was, including the kitchen. She had yet to be in that room. While Twilight continued her remorse, Cheerilee checked every door she came across. The castle was certainly larger on the inside and only slightly less confusing than when she first wandered its halls. After nearly twenty minutes of search, she finally found the kitchen. She thanked her stars that she possessed Earth pony strength and endurance otherwise she didn’t know if she’d been able to complete the journey.

She gave her leg a shake, still unable to lose her hanger-on. With a found spatula she pried Twilight off but the princess quickly latched on again. Cheerilee took a long breath. “Twilight, why are you drunk?”

“I’m…isn’t.”

“You are. Very. I want to know why.”

“Am I under interrogation?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact.”

“I’M A CRIMINAL!” the princess wailed.

“The only ‘crime’ you are currently guilty of is conduct unbecoming of a princess,” Cheerilee replied shortly.

“WAAAHH!!! I’m unbecomt!” Twilight openly wept and wiped her tears on Cheerilee’s leg.

“Ohhh my gosh,” Cheerilee breathed, “you are so unbecomt right now. Unbecoming. Unbecoming.”

“Wha-wha-what am I gonna do?!”

“You’re going to drink water. And coffee. A lot of both until you sober up. And if that doesn’t work I’m going to start chucking potatoes at your head until I see improvement. Sound good?”

“Potay toes. Ew.” *hic*

Cheerilee gave her leg an annoyed little kick and surprisingly found her leg free. Twilight flopped to the floor and writhed sorrowfully. Cheerilee found a glass and filled it with water. “Alright, let’s get you up.” She picked up the princess and carried her to a stool. After finding her a bit wobbly she held Twilight in place while she reached for the glass. “Now, drink this.”

“Whuszat?”

“Water.”

“Wat her? I don’t even know her! Baaahhahahahaaha!” *hic*

“Just drink it.” She tried forcing the glass to Twilight’s mouth but the drunken nerd behaved like a petulant foal unwilling to eat their supper and turned her head away. “Oh, damnit,” growled Cheerilee.

“Dohn want water,” pouted Twilight.

“Ugh…Fine. It’s not water. It’s wine.”

“Why’z it clear?”

“You did that.”

“I did?”

“Yep. A new spell you were working on. You wanted to see if you could make wine look, smell, and taste like water but still have the same alcoholic content. You just need to test it. A lot.”

“That…doesn’t seem like me. But it’s an experiment so it is like me.” She pondered for a moment. “Gimmie!” she cried and snatched the glass from Cheerilee. The entire pint was gone in a few seconds. “I thinks it worked!” she chimed.

“Great. Now just a few more glasses to be absolutely certain.”

Twilight happily chugged five more pints of water. “This wine tastes great!”

“Damn right it does.”

While Twilight was drinking the water Cheerilee prepared a plate of diced potatoes sprinkled with cheese, chives, and ketchup. She nuked it in the microwave and pushed it in front of Twilight. “Eat this.”

“What’s this?”

“Food.”

Twilight looked at the food and blinked slowly. “What’s food?”

“This! - *ahem* - this is food. You eat it.” She gesticulated eating. “It goes great with your wine.”

“OOOO! Gimmie gimmie gimmie!” Twilight gobbled the food, nearly shoveling in the plate.

“Good, now, how are you feeling?”

“More wine, please!”

“Hold on, not yet. Just let that first round sit for a bit. Sit quietly for a few minutes and think about it.”

“Then what?”

“Quietly now,” Cheerilee soothed in her best teacher voice, sitting a few paces from the princess.

Twilight fell into a contemplative silence and Cheerilee watched. Minutes ticked by, neither pony speaking. Twilight wobbled less but Cheerilee still kept a close eye on her.

“I’m not wobbling as much,” Twilight stated.

“Good.”

“Things aren’t blurry anymore.”

“Better. Now, let’s try this again: Why are you drunk?”

Twilight stared at Cheerilee for a moment then began to sob. “They never talk to me!” she wailed.

Cheerilee repulsed a bit from the outburst. “They?”

“Celestia and the other one! They never talk about their personal problems. They either keep it to themselves or ask” – she gestured wildly to the teacher – “somepony else. Why can’t I be confided upon? In. Confided in.”

“I don’t know but I wish they would.”

“And Cadance…she won’t talk neither. Either.”

“She said plenty last night,” Cheerilee grumbled.

“She says it’s ‘cuz it’s about Shinor Arming. Intimate stuff.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“’Bout his dingle dong n’ whatnot,” she snickered abashedly. She leaned toward Cheerilee and lowered her voice. “I’ve seen it.” Cheerilee’s eyes shot wide. “They’re not so discrete with amorous stuff.” She giggled. “Have you seen it?”

“Not his. Look, Twilight, can we discuss the drunkenness that has been bothering me the past few days? And currently?”

“You don’t sound drunk.”

“I’m not drunk!” She took a deep breath. “I’m not the one who is drunk. Princess Luna accosted me in a bar two nights ago. She was drunk out of her gourd. Yesterday, Princess Celestia did the same, in the middle of the festival, no less! Then last night, Princess Cadance of all ponies, invades my home and tries to give me pointers on…uhhhh…well, she was rude. And now you. Why?! Why me?!”

“You’re a good pony,” Twilght offered, smiling absently.

Cheerilee did not accept that answer. “Going to have to do better than that,” she said flatly.

“I dunno!” Twilight shrugged, throwing her arms up whimsically. “But I know someponything that would know.” She sat up straight, caught in sudden realization. She gasped.

“What?” eagerly asked Cheerilee, hopeful of a reason for all of this.

“I said ‘but’. Like ‘butt’!” She laughed loudly, unashamed of a few snorts thrown in.

Cheerilee’s eyelids fluttered in annoyance and she inhaled deeply through her nose. Her front hooves nearly balled into fists, an anatomical impossibility for most ponies unless righteously peeved. “Twilight.” The name slipped out slowly and measured, gathering as much purpose and patience as it could. “I’m…begging you. Why are the princesses coming to me, looking for answers to their personal problems? Why…me?!”

Twilight blinked a few times. “I like you.”

“Yeah, I’ve picked up on that.”

“Do you like me?”

“Now’s not the time, Twilight.”

The princess gave another irresistible pouty face.

“Ugh, fine. Yes, I do like you.”

“Yay! Do you nudge nudge wink wink like me?”

Cheerilee stared flatly at Twilight. “You’re still drunk.”

“You’re still here,” Twilight sang, coyly biting her bottom lip.

“Yes, I am. I’m trying to find out why the princesses are accosting me and why they insist on doing so when they’re drunk.”

Twilight shrugged. “They’re drunk like me. Sad. Alone. Ponies always look at us…to us for answers. Never care about our problems. Just wantin’ somepony to talk to. So distraught I put a preposition at the end of the sentence. How low am I? Forgive me.”

Cheerilee nodded. “Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.” She scooched up closer to Twilight. “So, you feel that your contributions to society are unappreciated or not reciprocated?”

Twilight blinked a few times. “Big words.”

“You’re feeling like ponies don’t understand fully your contributions and responsibilities.”

“Wow. Yer really smart. Are you my sister?”

The teacher let out a calming sigh. “At least I have a better idea of why all this is happening. Now I just need to know why me.”

“Noponies listens to our problems.”

“I’m listening,” Cheerilee offered.

“I know somepony who is listening. My favorite female quadrupedal mammal horse.” She gave Cheerilee an attagirl jab to her shoulder and winked to top it off.

Cheerilee pressed on. “So, you’re upset nopony inquires about your problems. We can fix that.”

“I know somepony who can fix that.”

“Yes, I know. But why is it me? Why come to me?”

“I know somepony who can know that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Shh! Not you, silly you. The one with the stripes.”

“Stripes? Zecora?”

Twilight gasped so deeply she nearly fell back. “You said her name! You must know her.”

“We all know her. Listen, Twilight, I’m going to– ”

A sound from her left made Cheerilee turn. Berry Punch was chugging a glass of water. After she was done she turned to a dazed Twilight and stunned Cheerilee. “’S’ain’t wine.” She put the glass down and wore a very sour and disappointed look.

“How did you get in here?!” Cheerilee cried.

“Jeez, you’re trouble for me,” the new mare grumbled at the teacher before slowly sauntering out of the kitchen, paying no mind to Cheerilee’s inquiries and protests.

“Cheerilee,” whispered Twilight.

“What?” snapped Cheerilee.

“I really have to pee.”

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