• Published 23rd Aug 2020
  • 3,578 Views, 337 Comments

Half-Life: Pastel Paradise - I aint no damn brownie



Equestria is in danger. It’s up to the crowbar-wielding physicist, Gordon Freeman, to save the day.

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Chase You

“Spike? Spike!” I yelled as I leaned down next to him. He began to cough violently, and I pat his back. “You alright? Come on, buddy. You’re okay.”

He coughed one last time, and rubbed his throat. “Y-yeah. I’m fine. Just felt like there was some dirt in my lungs.”

SKRREEE!

A bunch of dirt breaks off from the walls and lands on Spike.

“Oops!” I say as I wipe it off.

“That’s probably because there was dirt in your lungs.” I muttered.

He looked to the floor, “...Oh.”

I nodded, “Yeah. Anyway, you ready to get going, or do you want to rest some more? I don’t blame you if you do, but we’re on a timer here. Rest is optional, but not recommended.” I said, kinda hoping he’d say no to resting.

Trust me, I want to lie down and go to sleep forever, but that’s not a good move.

“I’m ready to get going. You got any water, though?” He asked, using a hand I put out to stand up.

I shook my head. “Nope, sorry. We might get some eventually, though. We’ve been getting care packages from the other side.” I explained, beginning to walk with him into another cave.

“Well, lets just hope they can infer that, yeah?” He chuckled slightly, but it turned into nervousness quickly.

We are not confident that they will remember people need water to survive.


“Do you think they need water or anything, Tia?” Luna asked, tearing off some duct tape and patching up a broken pod.

Celestia put a hoof to her chin in thought. “...Maybe, Luna. Gordon’s suit looks impressively designed, and looks like it would have everything a pony could ever need.. but I doubt he has a water pocket on it, or anything of that sort. I suggest we send them a few bottles of water.”

Luna nodded, and put the last piece of duct tape on the pod. “Good idea. They’re probably dying of thirst.” Luna muttered, levitating over 3 bottles of water. She put it in the pod, and turned on the airlock.

She flung open the door, tossed it in, and quickly slammed it shut.

Afterwards, she groaned as she readjusted her ruffled mane.


“You know, they’re smarter than I thought.” I muttered as I opened bottle of water with a crack. I tilted my head back as I downed the whole thing in one go, smacking my chest with a closed fist afterwards.

I looked over at Spike as he did the exact same thing.

“What do you mean?” He said, and wiped his mouth. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are the brightest ponies in the land. They know all.”

“That seems like a hunk of baloney,” I muttered as I shot a bullsquid with a crossbow. “But what do I know? I don’t live in pony world.”

Spike’s eyes widened and he grinned, “Hey, you didn’t call it horse world!”

Shit.

I clicked my tongue. “Did I call it pony world? I meant horse world.”

Spike shook his head. “Asshole..” He muttered, and chuckled lightly.

“Yeah but you love me for it.” I said, and shot another bullsquid. I kicked its corpse over as I stepped into the pool of blue, electric liquid, feeling the chills over and across my body as I began to heal.

Spike stepped in as well, and let out a sigh. “Man, these things are better than drugs.” My eyes widened at that and I stared at him.

“You got drugs in horse world?” I asked.

He raised an eyebrow, despite not having eyebrows, “...yeah? Why, did we seem that ‘Family-friendly’ to you?” He asked, no malice present in his tone, just curiosity.

I looked away, and coughed. “Very much so.”

He rolled his eyes, and looked at an imaginary camera. Did he just do the sitcom thing?

How the fuck..?

I shook my head. Stop thinking about things, Gordon. Focus on what’s in front of you. Don’t focus on what’s behind you, or what’s next to you. Stay in the present.. and your life will be a whole lot easier.

Okay, now that I’m in the present..

“So where is this guy, anyway?” Spike asked. Huh? “And what are we calling him?”

Oh. “His name is Kraken, and he’s..” I stopped, and began to look around. “Somewhere. He pops out of the walls.” I explained.

Spike stared at me incredulously. “Really? This guy just.. comes out of the walls?”

I nodded.

He put a claw to his head, and had a momentary existential crisis. While he did that, I pat his back twice and continued walking. Spike caught up soon after.

“This is great. Wonderful. A giant monster that we can’t even SEE is coming to kill us and we’re just.. what..”

He shook his head and growled. “What are we doing?!” He yelled, and punched a wall.

“Hey, hey!” I raised my voice a bit, putting out my arms. “Calm down a little. We’re just continuing on the journey. If he pops up, we’ll deal with him. For now? Just focus on what’s in front of you.” I said, repeating the mantra I used on myself to comfort him a little.

He hit a fist to his head repeatedly. “Ugh!! Buck, man! This is stressful.”

“Cheers to that.”

I ducked my head low as the path began to get more narrow. The crystals jut out from the walls, and I had to avoid cutting myself on them. Well, cutting the suit. Whatever.

I hopped out on the other side, and into a weird.. circular room. There are a bunch of crystals congregated into the center, but there’s also a dirt formation that keeps them there. The ceiling is made of that gross spiderweb stuff, and the floor is super uneven. I keep tripping over my own feet.

Upon exploring this room, I came across one of those dead HEV guys. All he had on him was a battery for the suit, which I gave to Spike.

But.. I also noticed the C4 on the wall, which lead me to this... familiar object. Another lever.

“Cover your ears.” I said, and pushed it down.

The wall exploded, clearing us a path out of here. Thank the lord.

I ducked down and crawled into the tiny space, which opened up afterwards.

As I walked by a tiny spiderweb opening, a giant tentacle shot out from it. I jumped backwards in alarm, but it didn’t do much except sit there. It didn’t try to attack, it didn’t spit acid, and it didn’t pull out a revolver and shoot me.

“What the Tartarus?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow. “Is this that giant bullsquid?” He muttered, and reached out a hand.

“I... think so.” I muttered.

“Should I touch it..?” He asked.

“...sure.”

As soon as he touched it, it went back inside the hole.

I shook myself off. That was weird.

“That was weird.” Spike whispered.

“My thoughts exactly.” I replied.

We continued on our path, occasionally looking at the neat crystals lining the walls. We came across another one of those fungus things, and I turned to Spike.

“Hey, check it out.” I said, and pointed to the fungus.

He looked over at me, and I pulled out my crowbar. I walked up to it, pulled my arm back, and smacked the plant. It let out a long stream of fire, melting the spiderweb material.

The path opened into a very large area, but we didn’t get to admire it long.

SKREEEAAAA!!!

There he is.

I turned to my right, and saw his giant form coming out of the wall. I assumed he was stuck, so I didn’t really do anything at first.

But when I saw him break free and begin chasing us, THAT’S when I began to run away. Spike didn’t have the same plan, though. Or maybe he did. He was frozen. Gotta move though, buddy!

“Spike, come on!” I yelled, grabbing his arm. He snapped out of it and began running with me, shaking my hand off. We dashed into a cave, but our escape plan was cut short by about 5 houndeyes.

I pulled out my Glock and was able to do two shots before the magazine emptied. I pressed the release, threw it away, pulled out a new one, put it in, and pulled back the slider. It snapped into place and I began firing again.

But despite my best efforts, there were simply too many, and too little bullets.

When it ran out of ammo, I put my empty glock away and pulled out the crossbow.

Much easier to kill with, but harder to reload. Pros and cons.

The last one began charging up its attack, but Spike was able to get the last shot in. It whimpered as it went straight to hell.

As every houndeye lay dead, I momentarily forgot why we were in the cave in the first place. Until I heard another squeal and saw the bullsquid coming closer.

“Oh yeah.” I quickly muttered, and began running away once more. I wish I could fight this thing instead of running away, but running just seems to be the best option. It may be the pussy way out, but I’d rather be a pussy than dead.

I shot a fungus and ran through the flaming webs. I didn’t have time to wait. I quickly pat out the fire and continued on, where I immediately fell off a ledge and into a watery surface.

I slowly pulled my ass out of the water, and admired the scenery. This room was very.. purple. Rock pillars came up from the ground, with purple crystals protruding from them. The roof was high, and this place looked kinda.. maze-y. I hope that isn’t the case, though.

I walked up to some more Black Mesa gear, and instinctively pushed down the explosive lever. A nearby wall of crystal shattered, allowing us entry to the next part of the cave.

“SKREEA!!!” There it is.

It shattered another wall of crystal behind us, and I had to start running once again. I’m getting kind of tired, not going to lie. My stamina isn’t the best.

I boost-jumped across a pit, and rolled when I landed. I let out a breath as the momentary pain took over, but the adrenaline soon made me feel nothing. I boosted a couple more times trying to get away, but eventually we came to a dead end.

“Where do we- this way!” Spike yelled, pointing at a wall of crystal. What the fuck do you-

Wait! There’s an opening!

I ran, but Kraken thankfully got too close and gave me a head-start by headbutting me straight into the crystal wall. How nice of him.

You know, major fracture detected. No big deal.

I boosted away quickly, and ran into the new room. Same old same old, but this time I noticed a lot more wires and C4 explosives.

Not wasting any time, I ran around the island and up the hill. I boosted across the gap, and then took it slow going up the skinny pathway. Spike had the same idea.

The path opened up more, and I began running again. I dashed across a path of what looked like fallen pillars, but don’t quote me on that. They could’ve been anything.

I stood tall at the top, but didn’t care about the scenery up here either. I just needed to find the lever.

I followed the linear path and found it. I smashed it down, and a nearby structure exploded. A crystal from the ceiling came down on top of Kraken (hell yeah) which caused him to run away in pain.

I stood at the top of the mountain and was about to jump off, but realized how utterly stupid that is. That’s a guaranteed death.

I can’t go back the other way, though. That would take too long!

...

I took notice of the wire, and a plan formed in my head.

I moved the explosive lever off of the Black Mesa gear, and opened up the tote. I pulled out a tent bag and unzipped it, taking out the tarp. I took the tarp and made it much skinnier and smaller. About the size of a sock, roughly.

“Do what I just did, and follow my lead.” I said to Spike, motioning towards the bag.

I ran, and I jumped off the mountain. I put my tarp-sock on top of the wire, and I zip-lined down to the floor. I let go at the last second, and did a roll to use my momentum to stand back up.

I stood still, letting the realization of what I just did soak in.

That was fucking sick..!

I looked up at Spike, and he just stood there.

“Come on!” I yelled.

He closed his eyes, seemed to breathe in, and put the tarp-sock-thing on the wire.

He ran, and jumped off the mountain. Halfway through his descent, he smiled and began to laugh.

He fell off, and rolled the same as I did. But he kinda messed it up.

He stood up quickly, dusted himself off, and grabbed my shoulders.

“That was amazing!” He said excitedly. “Where did you learn that?” He asked, still smiling.

“...Video games I played as a teenager.” I responded, coughing into my hand.

“What’s a video game?”


“Applejack, everything okay in here?” I asked, opening the main door to the safehouse.

Applejack looked over to me, and smiled. “Rainbow! Just the mare Ah wanted ta see.” She said, putting down a clipboard. She walked over to me and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Rainbow, that Moonlight filly you brought in is a natural. She’s been able to know exactly what any pony with ANY injury needs, and what they could want. She says it’s because she read a lot of books, but personally Ah think that’s just a bunch of hogwash. Ah think she’s really just talented.

“Oh, really? She’s that good?” I asked. Didn’t expect that. I knew she would be an okay nurse, but I didn’t know she would be a goddess at it.

Applejack nodded. “Yep! She’s better at nursing than Big Mac is at skipping rope!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Big Mac knows how to-“

“It’s just an expression.” She interrupted.

I put a hoof to my chin. “Huh. Well, that’s interesting.” Suddenly I remembered, “Hey, you’re not showing her anything too bad, are you?”

Please don’t tell me she’s seen death and shit. She’s too young.

Applejack shook her head. “No. She hasn’t seen a single death, if that’s what you’re worried about.” She said, making me let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“Thank Celestia...” I muttered. She was just a filly, after all.

“Thank me for what?” A familiar voice said from behind. I turned in surprise and saw the mare herself; Celestia. Surprising.

“Oh, uh, Hey Princess...”

“Hello, Rainbow Dash.”

“Why are you here?” I asked out of habit.

She raised an eyebrow, and I realized my mistake. “Oh, sorry! No offense intended! I was just curious-“

She chuckled, “It’s fine, Rainbow Dash. I just wanted to come see how everypony was doing. Luna is handling the care packages at the moment, so I had some free time.”

“Celestia you bastard!! Come back here and help me!”

“I can still hear her voice, though, so maybe I’ve been spending a little too much time with her.” Celestia smiled knowingly.

I chuckled nervously, worried about what the Moon Princess would do to all of us if she were to come into the safe-house.

“So anyway, how is everypony doing? That’s the main reason I came here, after all.” Celestia asked, getting back on track.

Applejack snapped out of whatever surprised stupor she was in. “Oh, uh, yes! Gimme a second.”

She picked up that same clipboard from earlier, and I saw that it was a status report. Hm.

“Uhm... only one pony has died from his injuries so far. Everypony else is doin’ okay. Some are injured, but they are all recovering quickly.” She read, flipping a few pages.

Celestia frowned, and looked down. “Who.. who passed?” She asked quietly.

“It was a stallion named Hydrochloride.” Applejack said in the same quiet voice.

Celestia put a hoof to her mouth. “I..”

She shook lightly, and a lone tear fell down her muzzle. “No.. this.. nopony was supposed to die. Why have so many of my little ponies been dying?”

I didn’t know what to do. Celestia had never cried in front of me; or anypony else for that matter. And she was just so happy, too! What the Tartarus??

Do I comfort her? Or do I leave her alone? Will she banish me to the moon for leaving her alone?? Will she do it to me for comforting her????

As I’m having an existential crisis, Applejack puts a hoof on her withers to comfort her.

Oh.

Celestia sniffled, realizing that she was around others. “Right. Thank you, Applejack.” She said, and cleared her throat.

“Anytime.” AJ responded.

Celestia stood, and brushed herself off. “Alright, well, that’s all I wanted to know. Thank you, and keep up the good work.” She said, and smiled.

She walked off, leaving me standing there like a goon.

What the buck was that?

Author's Note:

“I live.. again!”

Look, imma be real with y’all. I got a huge amount of de-motivation with this chapter. I just could not bring myself to sit down and work on it.

But I did it. I’m alive. The chapters out. Took a year and a half, though.

Tell me of any mistakes, love y’all, and..

Thanks for reading!