Half-Life: Pastel Paradise

by I aint no damn brownie

Gordon's World! Party Time! Excellent!

Dawn of the fifth day.

10 days remain.

Monday.

I yawned as I sat up in bed. I scratched my back and lifted my hands above my head, letting out an exhale as I heard the cracks. I reached over to my bedside table, grabbing my glasses and wiping them off on the blanket. I put them on my face and adjusted them as I saw fit.

Woah, déjà vu-

I rolled out of bed and crashed to the floor.

“What the hell?!” I yelled out in surprise. What the fuck was that? Did someone push me out of bed?

I stood up and fixed my glasses. Looking around, I noticed-!

Nothing. Nobody was in the room. Did I seriously fall off my bed? Wow. I sure feel stupid.

“Gordon, are you alright?! I heard yelling!” Cheerilee yelled, running into the room holding a frying pan. Her mane was disheveled, as if she just woke up.

“I’m fine, Cheerilee. Thanks, but I just fell out of bed. Hey, wait.. shouldn’t you be at work?” I asked. What time was it?

“Hmm? Oh, no. Today is Labor Day, school is off. Which means that I’m off.” Cheerilee explained, twirling a hair in her hoof. I nodded.

Ah, yes. Labor Day. I always looked forward to Labor Day as a kid. Despite my curre- old position as a theoretical physicist, you would assume I liked school. Not the case. Nobody likes school, so why would I?

I mean, I liked physics class. But that’s obvious.

“Anyway.. Gordon, we need to head over to Sugarcube Corner.” Cheerilee said, scratching her ear with a hoof. It twitched. Aww..

Wait, back on-topic. “Why?”

“Uhm.. reasons. Look, just trust me, okay? It’s a surprise.” She said. I opened my mouth, but slowly closed it.

“Okay. I trust you.”

A surprise! I’m excited.

She grinned. “Yes! Okay, let’s get going- Wait. Don’t you have work today?” Cheerilee asked.

I shook my head, “Nope. It’s my day off for some peculiar reason. But... I’m not complaining.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay. Well, get ready.. and put pants on.” She said, closing her eyes with a smile.

I looked down at my underwear-clad body.

Oh.

---

I sniffed my jacket as we walked through Ponyville. Mmm.. flowers. Cheerilee apparently had a washing machine. A fucking washing machine.

What the hell is the technology in this world? What are the barriers?! They don’t have telephones. But they have video games! I saw some kid playing a GameBoy earlier!

I groaned and held my head in my hand. Don’t think about it, Gordon. Just count your blessings. At least you won’t rub your fingers raw from using one of those old washer rack things.

And at least I didn’t have to use a clothesline..

I sighed. But by doing so, I took in a deep breath. Which means I smelled the air, and all that was around me.

Ohhhh... hell yeah. The air.. so crisp! The sunlight.. so warm! The scent.. so nature-y! And the company?

I smiled at Cheerilee. She looked over at me, and smiled back.

Lovely. As always.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and closed my eyes. I opened them after a couple seconds, and damn-near walked into a door.

“We’re here!” Cheerilee exclaimed, taking off her sunglasses.

“Yeah, I could see that.” I muttered.

“Sorry about that. I didn’t know you weren’t paying attention.” She said, sheepishly rubbing the back of her head.

“No worries. Anyway, why are we here again?”

Cheerilee avoided my gaze. “It’s uh, a surprise.”

“Oh, really? Okay..” I said, opening the door.

Huh?

It was pitch black in here. Not a pony in sight, hell; not anything in sight. I was about to go look for a light switch when suddenly, they all turned on. A pony jumped out at me.

“Surprise-!” She yelled.

In my shock, fright, and surprise, I didn’t realize what I had done until it was too late. I held my crowbar in my hands, a pink pony lying on the ground. Blood slowly started running down her coat.

I dropped my crowbar in fright. Oh no.. what did I do? What did I do?!

WHAT DID I JUST DO?!?!

I started to hyperventilate. Everyone was staring at me in shock, some backing away in fear. Did I just kill somebody? I just killed somebody! Some poor, innocent pony! They all hate me, don’t they?! They’re all afraid!

I have to get out of here.

I turned around and ran away as fast as I could. Everything around me was a blur. My ears were ringing, my eyes were wet with tears, and I wasn’t paying attention.

I didn’t even hear the faint ‘Gordon! Wait!’

I kept running. I ran into a nearby forest. I tripped and stumbled multiple times, but I would get up and keep going.

I can’t stop running. If I do, they’ll take me away. They’ll execute me for committing such an.. atrocity. There won’t be any second chances for me.

I ran until I couldn’t run anymore.

I stood in a clearing, breathing heavily. My legs hurt, my eyes were irritated, sticks and bugs poked out of my hair, I was dehydrated, and I could hardly breathe. Not a very good situation here.

But it’s better than being back there.

I shuddered at the thought. I killed somebody! Someone innocent!

I’ve killed before. Of course. But that... that was different. That was self-defense. In that situation, it was them or me.

But.. now? That pony?

She just wanted to surprise me with a party. What for, I didn’t know.

She just wanted to make me happy.

I felt more tears threaten to leak from my eyes. No, no. You’ve cried enough, Freeman. Get a grip.

She’s probably not dead. It was blunt force, she’ll be okay.

But.. how good is the healthcare here? Could she really survive that?

I’m not weak. Not by a long shot. That crowbar.. it’s taken lives before.

This was a pony. Someone not used to much hardship. Someone with soft skin, and most likely fragile bones. She was bleeding from the head. I most likely shattered her skull.

I felt my breakfast come back up. Nope.. no. No.

Hurp!

No.

EGGGHHAAHHHHAAHHEEUHHhuhhhhhh!!

I fell to my knees, grasping the dirt as I vomited profusely.

I killed an innocent pony. Someone who had their whole life ahead of them.

What would Cheerilee think? What is she thinking? Would she ever want to see me again?

Probably fuckin’ not.

I continued puking my guts out, muttering ‘I’m sorry.’ Over and over again. It felt like it lasted forever, but eventually it calmed down.

I clutched my stomach as the vomit finally subsided. I was still gagging, but there was nothing else to upchuck. I had emptied my stomach completely. I fell onto my ass, and started looking around me. I didn’t know where I was. I knew it was that forest, but where in the forest? Would..

Would I be able to get out of here okay?

I chuckled. Do I even want to leave? Do I want to go back to them? Just.. march to my death? My exile? My imprisonment? Whatever they decide to do?

No. I don’t.

But.. would hiding out here really be the good thing to do? Cheerilee said the forest was really dangerous, and..

I didn’t have my crowbar.

I.. I must have left it at the party.

...Damn it.

Damn it!

Damn it all!

“DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. What did it matter? Not like anybody was around to hear.

“There he is!” I heard somebody yell.

Well, shit.

I quickly stood up and began to take off, but collapsed almost instantly from fatigue. I could hardly move. I needed water.

And maybe a heated blanket.

“Nice try, but you aren’t going to get away from us. Little did you know that the fastest flyer in Equestria was right on your tail!” A scratchy-sounding voice taunted. Wow, this guy’s an asshole.

But I mean.. did I really have room to talk?

“Anyway, you’re coming with me big guy. Everypony’s worried about you.” The pony continued.

“W-why?” I muttered.

“Huh?”

“Why? Why?! Why are they worried about me!?” I yelled, turning to look at them. Oh. She’s a mare.

Her mane and tail were rainbow-colored, while her coat was cyan. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of magenta.

“Why.. why don’t they care about your friend? I k-killed her!” I yelled, shaking my fist at her.

The tears threatened to fall. No, not again.

“Pinkie Pie? Oh, she’s fine. She got a big lump on her head, but she just pushed it back inside and bam, good as new.” The rainbow-maned pegasus explained, looking at her hoof as if she were a girl looking at her fingernails.

I stared at her incredulously. “You’re kidding. Either you’re FUCKING with me, or I’ve gone insane.” I said.

“Nope. Just Pinkie being Pinkie. She forgives you, by the way. Apparently Cheerilee told her you might not handle the surprise well, but I guess she didn’t listen. Anyway, let’s get going.” The pegasus said, grabbing my shirt with her teeth. She lifted me onto her back, although not without struggle.

“Phew! Okay, let’s go. The name’s Rainbow Dash, by the way. What’s yours?” She said, flaring her wings.

“Gordon Freem-AAAAANNNNNN!!!” I yelled as she suddenly took off. She was going so fast!

Wait, Rainbow Dash? Isn’t that the person Spike was talking about? Something about her being loyal, I recall.

I lost my thought as she flew faster and I almost slipped off. I grabbed her neck with all my might.

“W-woah, lighten up on the neck! Sorry man!” She said, slowing down.

I let go of my tight grip, “Uh, sorry.”

She shook her head. “Don’t worry about that, it was my fault. Anyway, you said your name was Gordon Free.. something.”

“Freeman.” I said, holding my hand in front of her. She shook it. “Nice to meet you.” I finished.

She nodded, “Nice to meet you too. Uh.. sorry it turned out this way. Your party, I mean.”

I winced, and tried to suppress the memories. “No worries. It’s not your fault.”

“Yeah, well...” She went quiet.

She started her descent towards Sugarcube Corner. She landed on the ground, and nudged me. I hopped off her back.

“Thanks f-for bringing me back here, Rainbow.” I said. Jesus Christ..

“‘Course! The best flyer in Equestria puts her skills to good use. With great power, comes great responsibility, as they say.” Rainbow Dash smiled brightly. Ah, yes.

Spider-Man exists here?

Neat.

Rainbow Dash lowered her eyelids. “Now that we’re back.. Listen up, Freeman.” She growled out. Oh shit.

“I’m not happy about what you did to my friend. You could have killed her. Had it not been Pinkie, you would have blood on your hooves. Claws. Whatever! Anyway.. I’m not happy about it. Nopony hurts my friends and gets away with it.” Rainbow Dash said, getting into a stance.

I backed up slowly, but she jumped at me incredibly fast. She tackled me to the floor and punched me in the face.. REALLY hard. I heard a sickening ‘crack’ as my nose started to bleed. She broke my nose!

But I’m not going to fight back. I deserved this.

She slowly stood up, dusting herself off. “There. I’d say we’re even. Now come on! We’ve got a party to enjoy.” She said, lending me her hoof. “And let’s get you some ice for that nose, yeah?”

“You broke my nose, Rainbow. Ice won’t help too much.”

“...ice does a lot more than numb the pain.”

I smiled lightly at that.

---

I took the ice away from my nose and flexed the muscles in it. No more blood came out, and it didn’t hurt anymore.

So.. Ice healed it.

You know what? I’m not surprised. At all. ‘Magic’ and all that bullshit. I hate that. I prefer things be explained with science, logic, reasoning. Not just MAGIC!

Eugh. I’m getting angry again. Calm down, Gordon, it’s not a big deal. You’re at a party. Enjoy yourself! Stop being so stiff. Talk to somebody.

“Well, good afternoon! What’s yer name? Ah don’t.. actually know.” A pony said to my right. Oh, thanks, Jesus H. Christ. Thanks for handing me things on a silver platter.

“Dr. Gordon Freeman, Ph.D.” I said, extending a hand. “But you can just call me Gordon.”

They had an orange coat and blonde mane. The mane was tied with a band of some sort, which made it more bunched up. Her voice had been high, so my guess was that she was a female. She wore a brown Stetson, and she had green eyes and some noticeable freckles.

So.. ponies can have freckles. Neat.

She grasped my hand with a hoof and shook it roughly. “Ah’m Applejack! Nice ta meet ya, Gordon. Welcome to Ponyville!” She let go of the shake.

I flexed my arm to make sure it still functioned. Talk about strength!

“Charmed.” I said.

“So! How are ya liking yer party? Is it ta yer likin’?” She asked. I nodded.

“Well, the food’s good. Despite the fact that you’re so far the only person to approach me.. it’s a pretty good party.” I said, swirling my drink.

“What? Well, that won’t do! Ah’ll go round up mah friends and we can talk to ya s’more. ‘Sat sound good?” She asked. I pursed my lips.

I could use the extra company, couldn’t I? Wallowing in my own misery can’t be healthy.

“Sure, go ahead. I’ll be here.” I said. She nodded, and turned around. “Hey!” I called out to her.

She looked back at me.

“Thanks.”

“No problem, Sugarcube.” She said, and turned back around.

Now.. I guess I just wait here.

...

I grabbed a cupcake off the table and took a bite.

....wow. Holy shit.

This is one of the best things I’ve ever eaten.

I waved the tears out of my eyes with a hand. No, Gordon. Man up. It’s a pastry.

I took another bite.

Screw manning up.

---

“So, Fluttershy, do ya want to see him or not?” Applejack asked the shy pegasus.

She nodded her head, hiding behind her mane. “Oh.. yes, I do. I just.. don’t know how to approach...”

“Just talk to him, Sugarcube. He’s nice, Ah promise.” Applejack said, placing a hand over her heart. “Now.. go see him. Ah’m gonna round up the rest of the girls.”

Applejack walked off, leaving Fluttershy alone. She gulped, and took a step forward.

‘Talk to him like any other pony. He’s safe. Talk to him like any other pony. He’s safe.’

“Oh, I can’t do it!” She whispered, jumping under a nearby pony. They looked at her quizzically and moved away.

She panicked and jumped under a nearby table. Nopony could find her under here! It was foolproof! She wouldn’t have to talk to-

The tablecloth was lifted up. “You okay down there?”

A male voice. Fluttershy didn’t dare look up. She knew who it was.

“Hey.. why are you under there?” I asked.

Fluttershy calmed her breathing. She could do this. She could talk to somepony new without freaking out. She could do this. He was nice.

She looked up from the floor and caught his gaze. She started to hyperventilate again, but forced herself to calm down.

“H-h-hello.. I’m Fluttershy.”

---

That name fit. She sure was shy.

She was a butter-yellow pegasus with a long, pink mane. Her eyes were a pretty shade of blue.

Damn. That’s weird. Everyone’s eyes are all.. pretty. I even looked at a stallion’s eyes and thought they were nice. In all honesty, I’m kinda jealous.

If I were to rank the eyes I’ve seen, it’d probably look something like this:

1. Rainbow Dash.
2. Cheerilee
3. Princess Twilight

Something like that.

Wait.. I’m staring. And I haven’t responded to her introduction yet.

“Ah! Hello, my name is Dr. Gordon Freeman, Ph.D. But just Gordon is fine.” I said, extending a hand. Hopefully she’s not as strong as Applejack.

She grasped my hand with a hoof and gave it a dainty shake. Guess I had nothing to worry about there.

“Now.. come on. Let’s get you out from under the table.” I said, extending my hand once more. She grabbed it and I pulled her up and out.

She dusted herself off and smiled at me. I grinned.

“Ah see you’ve met Fluttershy! Good.” I heard from behind me. I turned around and spotted Applejack with some more ponies.

The pink one.. Pinkie Pie, I think her name was.

A white one with a purple mane stood beside her, along with Rainbow Dash.

“Uh, hello. Nice to meet all of you.”

I put out my hand for a shake.

---

“So then I said, ‘That’s not a camel, that’s my wife!’” I said, chuckling at the joke for more comedic effect.

They all looked at me like I had three heads.

“What’s wrong with a camel being your wife?” Rarity asked.

“Uh, well.. that joke works better back home.” I said, coughing into my hand.

“How so?”

“Uh.. well.. back home..”

I didn’t want to say it. How would they react to knowing that the entirety of the equine sub-species is just a bunch of animals?

“Say it, Gordy! Whatever it is, we won’t think of you differently for it.” Pinkie Pie said, as if she could read my mind.

Speaking of Pinkie Pie, I had apologized to her many times throughout the night. Every time she kept saying it was fine.

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t fine. I almost killed her.

I felt nauseous at the thought. I quickly drank some water to calm my nerves.

Okay, fuck it. Here goes nothing.

“Camels don’t talk where I come from. Hell, they CAN’T talk. They can’t form any cognitive thought, either. We use them to travel in deserts because they can go long distances without water. Hell, HORSES can’t talk where I come from, either. Ponies, zebras, none of them. Humans are the only intelligent creatures in my world.” I admitted, taking a deep breath at the end. They all stared at me. Mostly in surprise.

“Interesting.. are you really the only intelligent creatures? M-Must’ve been quite the culture shock, huh?” Fluttershy said, giggling.

“Yeah.. it sure was. I hope I didn’t offend you.”

“Of course not. I don’t see why we would be. Worlds are different, it happens. I’m just glad you didn’t treat us like animals when you came here.” Rainbow Dash said, stuffing an entire cupcake in her mouth.

Yep. Humans. The only intelligent species on earth.

Or.. at least..

We used to be be the only intelligent species.

But.. I don’t think those head-crabs can be counted as intelligent!

Heh.. heh.

I took a sip of water. I don’t feel too good.

Author's Note:

Phew! Got it out on time. Sorry I was a little late on this, my birthday was yesterday and I didn’t want to write. Forgive me.

After this, the chapters aren’t going in day-by-day numeric order anymore. There’s gonna be time skips so I can get the god damn plot moving. This felt like a bunch of filler, right? Yeah. That’s how it felt to me too. But please understand that I really didn’t want to rush anything. I did that with my last story, I’m not doing it again.

And I hope you guys caught the fact that the chapter title is a Wayne’s World reference. That movie’s awesome, if you haven’t seen it I DEFINITELY recommend it.

Edit: Fixed title. Quote was incorrect.

Hope you enjoyed! Make sure to leave feedback! Constructive, normal, and destructive criticism are all welcome! I am an advocate for free speech after all, heh.

Have a good rest of your day, and..

Thanks for reading!

Comments

[Bronycommander]

No problem for me, I hope you had a plesant birthday!

[I aint no damn brownie]

10419592
Thank you!

[Bronycommander]

10419596
You're welcome!

[-headshot123-]

But.. I don’t think those head-crabs can be counted as intelligent!

"This is the Freeman. The Combine's reckoning... has come."