Thoughts and Feelings
Dusk of the seventh day.
7.25 days remaining.
Wednesday.
I bit down on a slice of pizza, enjoying the salty and savory flavor that washed over my tastebuds. Mmm.. it’s been so long since I’ve had pizza. And not to mention, it tastes DAMN good when it’s made by talking horses.
I wonder if they have Italians in Equestria. They probably do, but what punny name replacement do they have? Whatever it is, it’s probably hilarious.
I guess I’ll never know.
No.. wait. I can know. I have a teacher sitting across from me.
“Hey, Cheerilee? What ethnic group made this pizza?” I asked, taking another bite.
“Um... the Saltalians.” She said.
Damn. The Saltalians? That’s really weak. They could do better.
I mean, I get it. Salt. Italians. Horses go crazy for salt. Haha.
That laugh was sarcastic.
“That’s lame.” I thought to myself.
“Yeah, you’re right. Definitely not their best work.” Cheerilee said, grabbing another slice of pizza.
Did I say that out loud?
“Yes.”
Shit. “Sorry.”
“Bah, no need. You’re forgiven. I agreed with you, didn’t I?” She said, chuckling.
Yeah. She’s got me there.
Speaking of Italians, pizza, and weird naming schemes.. what the hell is up with Equestria? Why is everything a PUN? Why does everyone and everything have such girly names? Why is everyone so nice? Why is it a monarchy?
No, wait. Apparently there are like.. eight Princesses, so isn’t that called a Diarchy? I think so, I don’t know for sure. I hope I’m using the correct terminology.
“Cheerilee, can you tell me a little bit about Equestria?” I asked.
The million dollar question.
She gained a grin on her face and let out a small squeal. “You wanna learn about Equestria? Oh, I love teaching history! Okay, so it all started hundreds of years ago.. there were 3 main tribes. The earth ponies, the pegasi, and the unicorns. They hated each other, but each had their own reasons...”
It was 4 hours later when Cheerilee stopped talking.
Now, I had no problem with that. I could listen to Cheerilee talk about Equestria for hours.
But I had to use the bathroom.
You see my problem now? I didn’t want to interrupt her, she looks like she’s in the zone.
She ‘tsk’ed. “So.. that’s about it! There’s plenty more to talk about, but I’d say those are the most important aspects.” She finished.
Oh thank God.
“Be right back.” I said, and rushed off. I did my business and came back.
Her next question gave me whiplash.
“So, Gordon, what about you? What’s the history of.. uh, Earth, was it?” She asked.
Shit.
Earth is a planet built on war, pestilence, greed, death, and MORE DEATH.
Definitely not something I want to expose to a happy-go-lucky, bright, pastel horse.
“...well? Gordon?”
I snapped my eyes open. “Hm? Oh. Look.. Cheerilee, I don’t really..”
“Gordon. I promise, whatever your planet’s history is, I won’t judge you for it. It’s not like we had a perfect history, either..” She said, putting a hoof on my hand.
I sighed.
“Promise?”
She nodded. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” She said, doing all the motions.
...what?
“What did you just do?” I asked.
“A Pinkie Promise.” She stated with absolute confidence, like it was common knowledge.
I let out an exasperated sigh,
And started telling history.
We were halfway through the era of Genghis Khan when she excused herself to the bathroom and started to throw up. I figured that was a good time to stop talking.
I stood up and went to the bathroom, holding back her hair as she threw up into the toilet bowl.
“So... maybe we should talk about something else.” I said, doing a nervous laugh. She looked up at me.
“Maybe, Gordon. I wonder what gave you that idea.” She giggled, and quickly lost her smile as she threw up again.
She stopped and took a deep breath. “Why are your people so VIOLENT?!” She yelled, and then gagged. She’s not angry, I know that. She’s just questioning existence.
As you do.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Human nature.”
“I don’t think I want to ever go to your planet.” She said, and then dry-heaved. “No offense.”
“None taken.” I said, scratching her ear. She hummed in pleasure.
She slowly stood up, with me helping her. She walked to the sink and washed her mouth out. She dried her mouth and left the bathroom.
I followed.
“So.. speaking of the past. I know I’m gonna regret this.. really badly. But it’s important. Gordon?” She said, looking over at me.
I nodded for her to continue.
“What happened to you? Personally. I know I said I wouldn’t bring it up again.. but I need to know. When you got lost in thought and then you yelled for a crowbar. When you hit Pinkie in the head for surprising you. What’s causing this? I came to the conclusion that it might be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.. but I want to know what causes it. What’s troubling you, Gordon?”
She looked at me expectantly.
...
I knew it would happen eventually.
But... do I really want to explain it?
Do I really want to.. think about it?
Therapists.. normal people.. always say that the first step to recovery is speaking with someone about it.
Guess it’s time to start the process of recovery. I can’t ignore my problems forever.
I walked to the living room and sat down on the couch, motioning for her to do the same. She caught on and sat down.
“So.. it all started with me being late for work. I worked at Black Mesa, which you know. Apparently, I was set to enter the test chamber and work with a sample of.. something. It looked like a crystal. I didn’t actually know what it was.” I admitted, chuckling slightly.
“See, we had been trying to perfect teleportation for a while. Only, there was one issue. We noticed that instead of going from one place to the next, there was a.. border world. We called it Xen. It isn’t like your world or mine, you see. Weird thing is, it seemed like there was no real ‘Main land.’ It was all floating islands. On these floating islands..”
I paused, collecting my bearings. Come on Freeman, man up.
“These islands housed.. creatures. There were these.. things that looked like crabs that would try to jump on your head at all costs. They would... they would.. take over your body. Turn YOU into a mindless monster. There were these other things that looked like dogs.. but they could release sonic waves. Their faces didn’t have any features, just.. eyeballs. They would make these annoying fucking noises! And it was terrible. There were these things that walked on two legs, but they weren’t bipeds. They had these gross tentacles on their faces and they shot.. mucus at you. There were these flying things that shot faces, there were these giant armored guys, and there were these tall guys with green armor on. They could fire lightning, but they always tried to stray away from conflict, for some reason..”
Cheerilee nodded along, already not looking too good.
“So.. the experiment went wrong. I don’t know why. I passed out, and when I woke up.. they were everywhere. Those bastard crabs, the lightning fuckers, those GOD DAMN EYE DOGS! Everywhere. I.. I found a crowbar. That was my only weapon for a while. Until..”
I wiped my eyes. “One of my buddies. He died. He was a security guard named Benrey. Heh, he was always a strange guy.. talked about passports a lot and always joked around with the newbies. I loved him. He..”
Cheerilee nodded solemnly, seemingly understanding. “You don’t have to-“
I held up a hand. “No. I have to talk about this.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“He.. he was killed. One of those zombies snuck up behind him and cut his throat. I grabbed his gun. I had no other choice. It was a standard issue Black Mesa Security Force Beretta.. a reliable weapon. I found some more weapons along the way, too. A shotgun, an mp5, a crossbow, a revolver. But nothing ever compared to Ol’ Reliable.” I chuckled, and pulled out my crowbar. I flipped it in my hand.
“But.. the aliens were okay. I could deal with them. I had enough ammo, and they could easily be outsmarted. But that’s not the main problem I had to deal with.”
“What was?” Cheerilee asked, voice shaky. She clearly wasn’t taking this too well.
“The United States Marine Corps.” I said, closing my eyes tightly and clenching my face muscles. I gripped my crowbar tightly.
Calm down, Gordon. Nut up or shut up.
“Who.. who are the United States Marine Corps?” She asked.
I looked at Cheerilee and softened my face. “They.. defend the country. They’re like the guards.”
“And.. why were they a problem?” She asked.
“They.. they were sent in to.. silence the personnel.” I choked out.
She gasped. “But.. but aren’t they supposed to protect you? You didn’t do anything! You said it yourself, the experiment went wrong!”
“Yes! I know! They.. they thought I did it. They assumed I sabotaged the experiment. And.. I had to kill a bunch of them! I killed people, Cheerilee! Multiple people! It was all in self-defense, but I don’t feel like I did the right thing! What makes my life more important, huh?! I’m a 27-year-old scientist! I had no girlfriend, no kids, hardly any friends, no money.. what did I have!? I had a cat! Mr. Mumbles isn’t worth a human life! They.. they probably all had families..” My voice cracked as tears started to pour out of my eyes. “They all probably had families. Girlfriends, Mothers, Fathers, Wives, maybe even kids. And I took that away from them.. Because I’m so damn selfish-“
Cheerilee wrapped her arms around me tightly. “Stop that. Right now. You’re not selfish, Gordon.. they were trying to hurt you. You did what you had to do.”
“I.. I just.. Cheerilee, I don’t want this. I’m just a fucking scientist, I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to fight for my life all the time. I don’t want to be the hero. I’m an MIT graduate with a Ph.D in theoretical physics, not an action hero. I want.. I want to go home. I don’t want every minute of my life to be spent looking around corners, wondering when I’ll die. When someone will finally get the drop on me.”
I trembled slightly as I cried. I want it to be over. I don’t..
I don’t want to do this anymore.
I’m so tired..
So done... with everything.
I closed my eyes, and before I knew it..
I was asleep.
Cheerilee looked over at Gordon, waiting for him to continue.
“Oh.. he’s asleep.” She said to herself. That must’ve taken a whole lot out of him..
Cheerilee tried to pick Gordon up, but to no avail. He’s heavier than he looks. Cheerilee huffed, and went to the linen closet. She grabbed a blanket and put it on him, setting his head on the side of the couch.
“Sweet dreams, Gordon. Though.. I doubt you’ll have very good dreams.” She said, remembering that a symptom of PTSD is night terrors.
She hoped that wasn’t some form of foreshadowing.
She brushed her teeth, checked the doors, turned off her light, and got into bed.
Time skip brought to you by David.
“AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”
Foreshadowing strikes again.
Cheerilee jumped out of bed immediately. Who was breaking in? Who was being attacked? What was happening?
She grabbed the frying pan she kept by her closet and rushed outside of her bedroom, holding it tightly in her mouth.
“Gordon! What’s-“
Gordon was in his bed, panting. There was no clear sign of danger.
I sighed. “Shit. Sorry, Cheerilee. I.. I had a nightmare.”
God damn.. I felt like a pussy. It was a nightmare. A fucking nightmare, and I was screaming bloody-murder.
“Oh.. Gordon. That’s okay. Don’t feel bad about that, you can’t control nightmares.. do.. do you want to talk about it?” She asked, putting down the frying pan.
I shook my head.
She sighed. “Okay. Look, Gordon.. why don’t we take you to see a therapist sometime? Celestia knows you’ll need it..”
I shook my head again. “Can’t. Way too expensive.”
“Gordon, therapists are free.” She said, exasperated.
No way.
I don’t believe it. Something that benefits the people.. is free to the people? Never thought I’d see the day!
My smile dropped. “Okay. I guess I’ll go.” I muttered. Man, I’m not too happy anymore. I just remembered that I actually have to go to therapy now.
“Good! That makes me really happy, Gordon. Now.. I’m going back to bed. I’m really tired.” Cheerilee said, suddenly losing all of her energy.
She trudged off to bed, forgetting her frying pan on the couch. I kicked it off and lied back down. I don’t want to stand up and go to my own room, I’ll lose the sleep.
So.. therapy, eh?
Oh boy. I’m so excited.
I took off my glasses and set them on the floor. I rubbed my face where they sat for the past few hours. Damn it.. why did I fall asleep with those on?
I rubbed my eyes, and turned over, shutting my eyes.
After a couple minutes, I opened them again.
I can’t sleep.
DAMN IT!
Dawn of the eighth day.
7 days remaining.
Thursday.
I looked at the piece of paper in my hands.
19, Good day drive
Happy happy, joy joy. Horse world sure loves its.. love. And compassion.
Can’t ask for just a little bit of darkness, can I?
I looked up at the building. Yep, I’m in the right place.
“Ohhhh...” I heard in the distance. Shit! They’re breaking into song again!
I quickly threw open the doors to the therapist’s office and slammed them behind me. I breathed deeply, calming down from the quick boost of adrenaline.
“Hello? Are you here for an appointment?” A gray stallion asked from the counter.
I shook my head. “No. I need to set one up.”
“Well, the doctor’s open right now. And..” He pulled out a clipboard. “The next appointment is in 2 days. Go inside, he’s expecting you.”
“I doubt it.”
He shrugged.
I walked to the door he was pointing to and knocked on it. The door swung open.
“Spearmint.. I’ve been expecting you!” He said, waving his hooves around.
“My name is Gordon.” I said, waving my hand in hello.
“Damn it! I thought for sure I would guess right that time.. anyway, what are you here for Gordon? Go ahead, take a seat.” He pointed at the stereotypical ‘Therapist chair’.
I walked over to it and lied down. I shifted around, before I found a comfortable spot.
“So, Gordon. Tell me about your problems.” He said, his horn lighting up.
“Uh, what’s with the horn?” I asked nervously. What was he doing?
“Oh, this? It’s a spell I cast to make the room a more calming environment. It eases your nerves and makes you more prone to opening up. Don’t worry, I have the license to be able to cast this spell.” He said, showing me a piece of paper.
“Uh.. okay, good.” I muttered, nodding my head.
I went on to tell him my issues. I don’t really want to describe all the details again (considering I just did that) so I’m sticking with this short and sweet barrier message.
“Hm.. okay, well.. it seems you definitely have PTSD. Slight or major, I can’t tell at this moment. Night terrors, flashbacks, and a short temper are some of the biggest symptoms. But I also think you have Survivor’s Guilt.” The therapist, whose name I learned was ‘Good Vibes’) explained.
“Survivor’s Guilt? What’s that?” I asked. Never heard that one before.
He put a hoof to his chin. “Well, in layman’s terms.. you feel bad about what happened. When you survive something not many others did, you feel bad about it. Like you didn’t deserve to live over them.”
Oh.. yeah, that makes sense.
He tore a piece of paper from a notepad and started writing on it. “Here’s a list of some medication. Take this to the pharmacy down the street and they’ll give you your medicine. I hope you have a good day, Gordon.” The therapist said, turning his horn off when I grabbed the paper.
Is that the right thing to say? ‘Turning it off’? That doesn’t sound right..
Whatever.
I nodded to the therapist, shook his hoof, and left the room. I waved goodbye to the receptionist on the way out.
I sighed.
Medication? PTSD? Survivor’s Guilt?
I sure am a pussy, aren’t I?
Stats
Page generated in 0.083 seconds
Total duration
883 users online
375,860 hits today, 2,139,894 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
NIce work and good VR cameo you did there.
Though, who's David?
10425020
Nobody. Just the man who brought you the time skip.
10425130
Fair point. Keep up the good work!
10425131
Thank you, I shall!
10425154
You're welcome! I just saw so many storires thath were never completed and there are few completed Half life stories
10425156
Well, I don't wanna be on that list lol. I've got plans and I ain't gonna rest until I follow through with em
10425260
Good attitude! Speaking of, why not place it in the half life group?
10425265
There’s a half-life group? Hm. I’ll get on that
10425314
There you go
10425318
Thank ye kindly
10425323
You're welcome!
You're a cultured man.