• Published 23rd Aug 2020
  • 3,528 Views, 337 Comments

Half-Life: Pastel Paradise - I aint no damn brownie



Equestria is in danger. It’s up to the crowbar-wielding physicist, Gordon Freeman, to save the day.

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Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked

I stepped over the blue laser and looked around the new room.

Oh.. shit.

Blue lasers surrounded the entirety of the large room. I could see them all. There were explosive barrels and boxes placed throughout the room, and many of them sat on big metal carriers. These carriers contained other things too, but mostly explosives, it seems.

I’ve gotta go through here in order to continue, don’t I?

..

I do.

The wise words of Darryl Smith rang in my head as I contemplated my inevitable failure.

Please, I beg of you.. for all our sake.. proceed with extreme caution.” He had told me, fear obvious in his tone.

No kidding. One wrong move.. and we’re all dead. Everyone. The marines, the scientists, the security guards. Wiped off the face of the planet.

Oh boy! Hundreds -hell, thousands- of lives are on my shoulders. This sure helps the fact that I’m super nervous.

But standing around like a pussy isn’t going to get anything done. That’s what my Dad always told me.

I crawled under the first blue line and walked to the next set. I looked at it from multiple angles.

There’s no clear way I can make it across... I’ll just have to find another way around. Damn it.

I went back to the carriers and saw an opening in one of them. That’ll work.

I climbed inside and slowly moved to the other side, not daring to touch any of the barrels. I stood on the other side, and saw that there was a large wooden crate and a small metal one.

I CAN jump from one to the other.. but that’s risking a little too much. If I mess up, I can trip and push the crate into a blue line. And then we all die.

I’d rather not do that, thanks.

I pulled out my crowbar and popped a wooden beam off of the crate. I did this until there was enough space for me to crawl in one side and out the other.

The crate was, thankfully, empty.

I squeezed through the small hole on the opposite side and looked for my next plan of attack. I crawled under another blue line and stood back up. I looked to my left and saw that the elevator down was blocked off. By lasers.

Which, in case you didn’t know by now, are bombs.

I looked to my right and saw the platform above my head.

...I’m gonna have to jump inside this thing from there, aren’t I? I’m gonna have to do some Mario shit?

Yeah, I am. So how do I get up there?

Fuck around and find out, it seems.

I ducked my head under a high laser and stepped over another. I limbo’d under another one and noticed the security office.

Okay, that will lead to the platform, won’t it?

I walked inside, but quickly jumped back. There was a laser I almost walked right into.

I bonked my own head. Smooth moves, smart guy.

I ducked under it and observed my surroundings. It was a very basic security office. There wasn’t even any ammunition or anything, so it was pointless in the end. I sighed in annoyance.

I spotted the door to the platform and ran through it. I walked up the steps and noticed the HEV charger on the wall. I carefully stepped over another bomb and put my hands on the charger.

I typed in my ID number and put the hose in my input jack. I pressed the ‘Okay’ button and it started to charge. The battery liquid emptied from each of the three tubes and the shutter closed. 78 percent. Nice.

Not the best, but it’s okay.

I jumped over another bomb and walked to the platform controls. I pressed the ‘Up’ button and the platform started moving in the specified direction. Yes!

Wait, there’s a crate on it! It’s gonna touch the laser!

Not thinking clearly, I jumped onto the platform and beat it to hell with my crowbar. Come on, come on!

I hit it repeatedly. The box was taking a lot of punishment, and I was getting closer and closer to the end of the line.

It shattered into pieces and I quickly fell to the floor, dodging the blue line. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

I crawled from my place of entrapment and stood up.

I looked down at the elevator. There’s a dead alien inside. It looks like one of those big ones. You know, the ones with the armor.

I took two steps back, and ran. At the last second, I jumped as high and as far as I could. I cleared the blue lines, but landed hard.

Minor fracture detected.”

Thanks, suit.

I sat up, and started breathing heavily.

..

Holy shit! I just did that! Look at me, mission impossible man!

I started to laugh. I was so utterly relieved. I’m okay! They’re all okay! Nobody’s dying in a fiery explosion!

I threw up on the floor.

But I don’t care! I’m okay!

I’m.. I’m okay.

Nobody’s dead.

I’m not dead.

The elevator stopped as it touched the ground floor. The grates opened up to reveal a bigger room. I stood up on wobbly legs, and inspected the body of the alien.

I grabbed the weapon he was using. It looked like another alien.

Wait, it is!

How.. how’d he do that? How’d he use a living creature as a weapon?

I noticed that there was an orifice on the bottom. Is.. is that it’s asshole? Or is that it’s.. ‘carrying handle’.

Only one way to find out..

I closed my eyes and looked away in disgust as I drove my hand inside. It squealed in protest and wiggled around, but I kept forcing my hand in there.

It covered the entirety of my arm, and I squeezed my hand. It fired out tiny little things.

I shivered. That felt wrong. I feel dirty.

I took it off my hand and put it on one of my back hooks. I didn’t want to look at it.

I walked out of the elevator and looked around the new area. It was wide, and there weren’t any blue lines! Hey..

My moment of peace was interrupted when a security guard came running from a large opening, “Hey! Get these guys off me!” He yelled, dodging a bullet.

Ope, shit! Gotta move!

I pulled out my submachine gun and used the secondary trigger. The gun recoiled massively as a large grenade fired from its second barrel, and into the air at a lethargic pace. It flew far and directly into the 3 marines that were shooting at me and the security guard. Their body parts decorated the room as they met the Devil in hell.

I turned to face the security guard, but was met with a blunt object to the face. I fell to the floor as my glasses hit the ground next to me, causing a lens to shatter. I looked up and saw a blurry mess. I grabbed my glasses and shoved them on my face, getting a clear look at what had struck me.

What.. what the hell is that?!

It was covered in blood. It’s hair was mangled mess, and it’s white clothes were (as stated previously) COATED in blood. It’s mouth was gross. It had its lips in a circle and it’s teeth were sharp, yet dull. It looked like if I stuck my hand inside, it would be torn to bits instead of being bitten off.

It squealed and charged again. It smashed its hammer down and I rolled out of the way and stood. The place where my head had been was completely destroyed. It’s hammer was stuck in the ground.

I pulled out my glock and put at least 7 rounds into it before it fell to the ground, dead.

I breathed heavily. Who the fuck.. what the fuck was that?!

I wiped the sweat from my brow and retrieved my submachine gun, holstering my glock- wait. Didn’t I have a beretta?

I shook my head, wiped some blood off of the gun and put it back on the hook. I walked the way the marines came, considering there was nowhere else for me to go.

My vision changed, and the room was coated in blood. But when I blinked it was gone.

I shook my head, and continued walking.

BWOOM

The room did it again. Everything changed to a damn hellscape, but then woo, gone. What the hell?

I walked up to a door, not having high hopes for it. It’s probably locked.

I pulled the handle.

Click.

Nice! Awesome.

But then everything changed. This time for real.

There was a constant hum. Like there was a machine running in the distance. It became grating quick.

But that wasn’t the weirdest.. OR creepiest part.

The room was covered head to toe in bloodstains. Well, room is stretching it. It’s a long hallway. But yeah.. blood. Everywhere.

I walked to the end of the hallway and through a destroyed part of the wall. It opened into another hallway that I continued to follow. In this one, everything had an industrial look to it and smelled like metal. The room is, of course, still coated in blood.

“Hello? Is anybody here?” I asked out loud. What happened here?

Why is everything covered in blood? What could have caused this? What atrocity could have caused such.. artistic talent?

I came across a whiteboard to my left.

What do you think?” Was written in blood. What do I think?

I think I’m going crazy.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked, a little louder. Who wrote that?

I continued walking, only stopping to read the next whiteboard.

“Do you like this?”

Not at all.

“Hey, answer me!” I started to raise my voice, “Who’s out there?”

Next whiteboard.

“You don’t know anything.”

“Nope. I’m pretty fucking confused here!”

Next.

“If you just could understand.”

“Understand what?? Who ARE you?!” I yelled.

Next..

“That I NEVER wanted this.”

“Wanted what?! Tell me! Give me SOMETHING!” I yelled, punching the damn thing.

..what was that? Why am I getting so angry?

I took a deep breath and continued walking. Getting mad never helped anybody. You’re supposed to stay calm in situations like this.

Eventually, I started to descend a staircase. I had to navigate it slightly because the walls were twisting and turning, and that made it hard to get through the tiny gap that was given.

I made a right turn, and then a left. This place is so fucked..

One last whiteboard.. and a door.

“I just want you to die.. just... DIE”

What did I do to this person? Is some marine haunting me from the grave? Who would want to kill me?

Who would want me dead...?

Nobody I know of. Unless this is some sort of military trap.. but I don’t know how they could achieve this. That’s blood. That’s not paint.

How can I tell?

The metallic scent. The color. The way it’s stained on the wall. It’s more like a spray than a concentration.

...the taste. Don’t question me on that, science calls for doing a couple weird things every now and again.

But that’s off-topic.

I stood in front of the door, waving my hand over the handle. I pulled it back.

Whoever’s in there could be really dangerous.

I pulled out my shotgun and checked to see if it was loaded. Yep..

I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was.. surprise surprise, ANOTHER HALLWAY.

I steeled my nerves, adjusted my glasses, and coughed into my hand. Let’s do this.

I observed the new hallway I was in.

The floor had turned into a grate, and the walls weren’t bloody anymore. That’s a good sign.. right?

I continued walking until something... something happened.

Hundreds of hands.

Thousands, even.

Thousands of hands burst forth from the floor, grasping and scratching at anything they could.

Fuck this. Fuck this hard.

I began sprinting. I had to get out of here. If I didn’t, it’ll start to hurt soon. And I don’t want that. At the moment, I couldn’t feel anything. But I chalked that up to the adrenaline.

I came across a split path, and chose to go right. It seems that was the correct decision.

I continued running, and took a left at the next split path. Once again; I made the right choice. I took a few more turns, and smiled at the holy grail in front of me.

A door!

My adrenaline spiked as I ran faster. Almost there...

Almost there!

I grasped the handle and forced myself through the door. My vision went white as I entered.

I blinked rapidly to clear my eyes. Eventually, everything returned and I could see.

I was in Black Mesa. Never did I think I would be this happy about being at work..

“Doc? You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost. What’s in there?” The security guard asked me. Security guard?

I turned to look at the voice and saw the guy I saved.

...right. Forgot about him.

“Hey, what’s your name?” I asked. Might as well learn it, if I’m gonna be spending time with him.

“Richard Hard, Doc.” He answered, cleaning his gun with his shirt.

“You’re joking.” I said, off-handedly.

There’s no way this guy’s name is Dick Hard. Nobody hates their kid that much.

“Not joking, Doc. I know, I know. It’s unfortunate.” He groaned out.

I put a hand on his shoulder. “I feel for you.”

He smiled slightly. “Thanks. Anyway, what’s in that door?” He asked, walking up to it.

I quickly ran in front of him, “Don’t go in there!” I yelled out in a panic.

He jumped back and put up his hands. “Woah, woah! Why not?” He asked.

“I almost died in there. There are these.. hands, that come up from the floor. And blood all over the walls!”

His eyes widened, and he raised an eyebrow. He pushed me out of the way and opened the door.

It was locked.

He turned to look at me with an ‘Are you serious’ expression.

I scratched my head. “But..”

“I don’t know, Freeman. Maybe you need to wake up.”

I froze. What?

“What did you just say?” I asked.

“I said.. maybe you need to wake up and smell the roses. Shit’s going down, and we can’t be wasting time with a random locked door. Come on, let’s move!” He said, walking away from it.

That.. didn’t feel genuine.

“So, come on! We need ta save Equestria!” He exclaimed. His voice.. was higher. And more southern.

“What the fuck is ‘Equestria’? We need to save ourselves, not.. whatever the hell that is.” I said. What the hell is this guy going on about?

“So wake the buck up, Gordon!” He yelled.

“What are you talking about-!” I started to yell, but my vision went white for the second time in 10 minutes.

When my vision cleared, I saw that I was in a train car.

“Oh, good. He’s up.”

Author's Note:

Involuntary dream sequence is a go. Surface tension bomb room was replaced with the Black Mesa version, because it’s cooler.

And the whole ‘Bloody hallways’ thing is a direct rip from Cry of Fear, and the guy that hit Gordon with a hammer is the enemy ‘Slower3’. Gotta make something scary, and it’s easier to just use pre-existing things when you have no talent. That’s the whole purpose of a crossover innit?

Jokes aside, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It was pretty fun to write, and hopefully it was fun to read.

Title reference: The song of the same name.

Title significance: Rest, as in sleep. Dream chapter. Haha, I’m hilarious.

Whatever. And also, this chapters not late! Someone needs to tell me what fuckin time zone this website is on, because it sure as hell ain’t PST! I need to know when I can actually upload and when I can’t. This isn’t fair. Anyway...

Thanks for reading!