• Published 23rd Aug 2020
  • 1,897 Views, 344 Comments

Half-Life: Pastel Paradise - I aint no damn brownie



Equestria is in danger. It’s up to the crowbar-wielding physicist, Gordon Freeman, to save the day.

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Lazy Day

Dawn of the second day.

13 days remain.

I slowly opened my eyes to the sight of a bedroom. Now, this would be a normal occurrence.. had it been my bedroom.

But this was not my bedroom.

My first reaction was to panic (as a normal human would) but I slowed down, and I thought about it. Why am I in this bedroom. Who put me here?

Oh, wait. This is Cheerilee’s guest bedroom. I remember now. She let me live here.

How nice of her. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.

I reached over and grabbed my glasses off the bedside table. I cleaned them with the blanket and put them on my face, adjusting them as I see fit. Blinking to clear the sleep from my eyes, I removed the blanket and stood up. I stretched my limbs, letting out a deep breath as I heard the cracks.

I walked over to the pile of clothes on the floor and put on my pants and undershirt. I put the tie, dress shirt and lab coat in a drawer. I didn’t see the need to wear them.

I looked at the HEV suit, and shook my head. I didn’t need that.

I walked out of the bedroom, closing the door behind me. I walked to the bathroom, did my business, and brushed my teeth with the spare toothbrush Cheerilee gave me. If I were to guess, it was one of those free ones you got at the dentist’s office. Did anybody actually use those?

Doubt it.

I rinsed out my mouth and left the bathroom. I walked into the kitchen, and noticed a note taped to the fridge.

‘Went to work. Didn’t want to wake you. Breakfast is in the fridge. Have a good day, Gordon!’

Thank you, Cheerilee. But, come on. That’s embarrassing.

But I won’t kick a bleeding horse in the mouth.

No, wait.

I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

I opened the fridge and saw a plate of pancakes.

Wait, she made pancakes without me?! I’m the pancake flipping King! Well, Barney says that. Cheerilee, if only you weren’t so respectful of my sleep schedule..!

What time is it, anyway?

I looked at the nearby clock. It’s 11:43. Wow, I slept pretty late. The pancakes aren’t warm, so they’ve clearly been in the fridge a while. She probably goes to work early.

I shoved them in the microwave.

That’s strange. This world is so.. peculiar. They have microwaves, ovens, and air conditioning, but they don’t have automobiles. The microwave was invented after the car, wasn’t it?

Nothing in this world makes sense. By all known laws of aviation, pegasi should not be able to fly. Their wings are too small. And yet?

Flying is second-nature to them.

At this point, why do I even question these things? I’m just going to give myself a stroke. Even if I ask, it’ll only be explained with ‘Magic.’

The microwave beeped, signaling that my food was ready. I opened the door and pulled out the plate.

After dousing the flapjacks in syrup, I sat down at the table.

Okay, so what should I do today?

I could explore the town, if I wanted. But I didn’t really want to leave the house. Maybe tomorrow, after I meet with the Princess. For now, I should check out more of this house. If I’m going to be living here (hopefully not TOO long), I should learn where some things are. Yeah, that sounds good.

I finished my meal, put my plate in the sink, rinsed it, and dried my hands.

The house wasn’t too big. It was a two bedroom, two bath house. It was very.. homey.

When you enter the place, you have two options. Go into the living room on the right, or into the kitchen on the left. The kitchen is big enough to have a table near the wall, so that’s where we eat. The hallway was a straight-shot from the entrance, and the bathroom was the first door on the right. My bedroom/the guest bedroom was the second door on the left. The first door on the left was a linen closet. Cheerilee’s room was at the end of the hall.

I quickly shut the door upon opening that one. Didn’t want to intrude on her private business.

As I said before, the house wasn’t too big. It was just... cozy.

The rest of the day was spent lazing around. I was bored, but at the same time I was happy. Happy to have a day off.

But still bored.

And so, I found myself sitting at Cheerilee’s desk, writing on some spare parchment. Well.. writing was stretching it. I had written down all the important bits (my situation, what to do, how much time I had left, etc) but I was also just doodling.

Although, one thing I had noticed was the fact that every time I wrote down what was going to happen.. it disappeared. The words would just fade away. For example, I write down ‘Resonance cascade, most likely an alien invasion.’. Then, the next moment, the page is blank. It’s odd. Is this invisible ink or something?

I draw a smiley face.

It stays.

I’m ruling out invisible ink. This is so strange..

zipp, SCHWOP, SCREEEEE...

“Gordon, I’m home from work!” Cheerilee shouted. She walked inside, sliding a bag of groceries off her back. “How was it? Did you get lonely?” She asked, a smile gracing her lips. Which, in turn, made me smile.

“Cheerilee, I’m twenty-seven. I can handle being alone for a while.” I chuckled slightly.

“Oh, right..” She blushed slightly.

“So how was work?” I asked, picking up the bag of groceries. I walked over to the table and set them down, beginning to look through.

“Oh, same-old same-old. The foals were rowdy, but that’s normal. It is Friday, after all.” Cheerilee explained, joining me in the process of putting away groceries.

I shoved a bag of carrots in the vegetable drawer, “Foals?” I asked.

“Yes, foals. Did I not tell you? I’m a teacher over at the Ponyville schoolhouse.” Cheerilee explained, putting a jar of spices in a cabinet.

“Oh, interesting. No, you didn’t tell me.” I replied, putting a jug of orange juice in the fridge.

“Hm. Thought I did.. oh well. Anyway, what was your job, Gordon? Before you were sent here, that is. You mentioned you had a Ph.D?”

I nodded. “Yes. I have a Ph.D in theoretical physics, and I used that to get my job. I worked at the complex known as the Black Mesa Research Facility. We conducted all sorts of experiments, many of which directly broke the known laws of physics. It was like a dream come true. Until..”

..

The Resonance Cascade.

“Until what?”

.

What the hell are these things?!

Benrey just shot that.. thing! Oh, god.. I recognize that nametag. He just killed Patrick.

Freeman, move now! I can only keep the portal open for so long!”

I jumped into the portal, landing on a platform above certain doom. I didn’t want to think about what lied in the abyss if I were to fall.

“Body? What body?”

I could barely keep my eyes open.

“I gotta get outta here.”

I pressed the button to call an elevator, and watched as the car plummeted to the floor below, the screams of scientists echoing in my ears.

That wasn’t my fault!

I came across another elevator door. It was jammed shut, I needed to break the glass. What could I use?

Ah, a crowbar!

Wait.. where’s the crowbar? It should be here, shouldn’t it? Where’s my crowbar?

“Where’s my crowbar?” I asked.

Cheerilee looked perplexed. “What?”

Where’s my crowbar?

Where is it?!

WHERE THE FUCK IS MY CROWBAR?!

“WHERE’S MY CROWBAR?!” I yelled. I needed the fucking crowbar, where was it?! I’m going to fucking die! I need my crowbar!

Cheerilee squeaked in fright, pointing to my room. I ran to it. My vision was clouded, I couldn’t see anything. I needed my crowbar.

I threw open the door and dashed to the bed. I grabbed it off the bedside table and cradled it in my arms. Oh.. sweet, sweet crowbar.. I’ll never leave you ever again..

After coddling an inanimate object for some time, I realized what I just did.

I yelled at Cheerilee.

I YELLED.. At Cheerilee.

I quickly stood up and left the room. Cheerilee stood in the same place, unmoving.

“Cheerilee?” I asked. She jumped, and quickly turned around.

I looked down to the floor, finding my shoes very interesting. “I’m... I’m so sorry. I have no idea what came over me. I didn’t mean to yell at you. You’ve been nothing but nice to me since I got here, and you didn’t deserve that.” I said. Think, what can I do to make it up to her?

“It’s.. it’s okay, Gordon. Clearly it’s a sensitive topic. I’ll refrain from bringing it up again.” Cheerilee said, relaxing slightly.

“It’s not okay. Look.. how about I make dinner?”

“You don’t have to-“

“I insist. I want to make it up to you, and I won’t take no for an answer.” I said. That was final.

“I... alright, Gordon. If you really want to. I won’t stop you.” Cheerilee sighed.

This is good.

I walked over to the fridge to start preparing dinner, but Cheerilee stopped me.

“Gordon, it’s 2:40.”

Right.


“You know, I never really understood how somebody could ‘Suck at cooking.’ All you do is follow instructions.” I said as I pulled my masterpiece from the oven.

“Somepony, Gordon.”

“Somebody. Ponies aren’t the only intelligent species in this world, right? What about dragons? Do you say somedragon? Because if you just say someBODY, then it includes both ponies and dragons.” I said, putting a spatula next to the pan. I walked over to a cabinet and pulled two plates out.

“You.. make a really good point. Why do we say somepony? Seems awfully narcissistic.” She said, rubbing her chin with a hoof. That looks goofy.

I stuck the spatula in the casserole and cut out a square. I pulled it out and put it on her plate.

The casserole was mostly pasta and cheese, but there were some vegetables in there. I wish I could’ve put chicken in, but.. well, you can guess why I didn’t.

“Wow, this looks really good! Thank you, Gordon.” She said, leaning down and eating it.

She wasn’t going to use a-

She doesn’t have hands, right. Why does she have silverware in the first place, actually? If she doesn’t even use it?

No, don’t think about it, Gordon.. think happy thoughts. Think about kitty cats..

I put some on my own plate, sat down and grabbed my fork.

Taking a bite, I judged my meal.

..

Pretty good, all things considered. Again, all veggies and no meat makes Gordon a dull boy, but it was tasty.

“So.” I said, swallowing my food. “Tell me more about your teaching job. Like, what do you teach? What age groups, stuff like that?” I asked. Cheerilee grinned like a kid on Christmas.

“I teach all subjects, no need for multiple teachers y’know? I can handle them. Also, i don’t teach just one age group, I teach six years of age to eleven years. After that, they go to a separate schoolhouse for more advanced learning.” Cheerilee explained, taking another helping of casserole. Good, she likes it. I’m glad.

“Interesting. That’s not how we do it where I come from.” I said.

“How do you do it?”

“Well, there’s three big schools. Instead of them being only one classroom, there’s multiple classrooms, each with a separate teacher. The students are all separated by grade. Elementary schools are grades K through five, sometimes K through six. Junior high is either grades seven to eight, or six to eight. High school is nine to twelve. Grade K is.. five years old? And grade twelve is eighteen. During summer, you get a two month break, and during that time is when you transition to the next grade.”

Cheerilee nodded intently, seemingly getting all of it.

“That does seem much more efficient. But at the same time, that’s a lot of salaries to pay..” Cheerilee said, drinking a sip of water. Wait, how did she-? Fuck it.

“The United States of America is over one trillion dollars in debt.” I explained, taking a bite.

Her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

“D-dollars?” She asked.

“Currency.” I replied.

She put a hoof to her head. “Who do you owe..? How do you get that much debt?!” She yelled; surprise, shock, and awe in her voice.

I shrugged my shoulders. “The Decepticons, I don’t know. All I know is that it isn’t really my problem anymore.”

Cheerilee swayed her head as if to say ‘Yeah, that’s true.’

“Yeah, that’s true.” She said.

Told you.

“Wait, who are the decepticons?” Cheerilee asked, raising an imaginary eyebrow.

Damn it.


Cheerilee laid in her bed, moving around slightly. She couldn’t sleep. Her mind was awake.

What is up with Gordon? He’s a human (that much is obvious, come on) but.. what’s up with his mind? His behavior?

That sounds wrong. Come on, Cheerilee. He isn’t mentally challenged.

But.. why does he act that way?

When he was looking at the bowl of soup, he blanked out for a while. It looked like he was about to cry, too.

And then, just today, he starts flipping out when she asks about his workplace. Black Canyon, was it? No! Black Mesa!

He froze, and stood in place. And then suddenly, he started yelling about a crowbar. And then like a minute later he comes back and apologizes!

What is going on?

What..

What the Tartarus happened at Black Mesa?

And why is it affecting Gordon so much?

Author's Note:

And, here is where we start the “Boring as fuck to write” arc. Hopefully it’s not boring as fuck to read. but anyway, hope you enjoyed the chapter! As always, leave feedback, and don’t be afraid to give me some constructive criticism! It’s the only way I can improve.

And also, Holy shit! 13 likes and 184 views. My other story took weeks and multiple updates to reach that many views, and it’s not even above 10 likes! That’s fucking crazy. Thanks so much to everyone who favorited the story, and everyone reading it in general. Love y’all.

Thanks for reading!