The Immortal Dream

by Czar_Yoshi

Fear

Halcyon worked her mouth, and nothing came out.

Slowly, Corsica's heart tightened. Get a grip, she told herself, but trying to steady her thoughts was like trying to prop up a house of cards mid-collapse.

Halcyon had always been eccentric and always enjoyed her secrets. Why was Corsica reading into this now? They had come this far together. It wasn't like-

A small green gemstone materialized in Halcyon's forehooves.

Halcyon blinked at it, and then sighed. "That's not fair..."

Corsica didn't even need to ask. The difference in her friend's demeanor was stark. It was obvious she wasn't talking to the same Halcyon as five seconds ago.

Halcyon looked up, but didn't meet her eyes. "...So? How does it feel?"

Corsica frowned. "How does what feel?"

"Being desperate," Halcyon said. "You know who you're talking to. What I was like, what I wanted. What you did to me. Just so we're clear, I don't take any pleasure in the tables being turned like this. Nor do I enjoy the irony of our situation."

How were you supposed to answer that?

"Come on." Halcyon got up, beckoning Corsica into the kitchen, which was a little further from the bedrooms where everyone else was retiring. "We might as well have a talk."

"What's to talk about?" Corsica followed her. "You've got a point. I guess you would know how I'm feeling. Unlike your other half, we probably understand each other all too well."

"I dunno." Halcyon sounded halfway between wistful and annoyed. "But she's not listening right now. After throwing it over to me like that, I think she can deal with it if I keep the memories of what we say here all to myself."

Corsica raised an eyebrow. "It works like that? You can just decide what memories to share and not to share?"

"I can." Halcyon shook her head. "Because I'm the original, I remember everything, like it or not. The Halcyon you know is like... a mask, or a lens. It's still the same me underneath, but shaped differently by her experiences."

Corsica thought about that for a moment. "You know, not that I mind," she eventually said, "but you're being a whole lot more open than the last two times we talked. Before, you'd say nothing to half the questions I asked. Now you're telling me stuff just because."

Halcyon shrank. "What choice do I have? This isn't my body anymore, and neither is it my life to live. You're her friend, not mine. The only thing I've ever done since meeting you again is tried to avoid interfering with that. You had a good thing going. And now something is somehow wrong between you and it's somehow my job to fix that, even though I don't know the first thing about this. I'm trying, okay?"

"Sure about that?" Corsica gave her a look. "If so, I appreciate it. But do you really have no desire to hang out with me for your own sake? You even just told me everything we say here stays between the two of us. Sounds to me like you want this for you."

Halcyon looked down.

Corsica waited.

"...I was wrong about you," Halcyon eventually said. "You haven't just changed. You've changed a lot. You told her you'd rather focus on any problems, as long as they weren't your own, and you meant it. You've been trying to live vicariously through my other self, just like I have. You... probably wish you didn't have to go on being you anymore."

Corsica winced. "You don't mince words, huh?"

"They were your words, not mine." Halcyon shook her head. "Though they could have been mine, too."

"Well." Corsica took a chair and sat back. "You see where I'm coming from, then, at least? I've been riding along on this ether crystal business for over two years now. But after that stuff at the crater... I'm worried it's going from being our journey to being her journey. And that she's taking stupid risks, but forget about that for now. I don't really have a right to complain; it's not like I'm entitled to being her sidekick. And maybe it's different for you, since you're stuck with her, like it or not."

"Believe me. She has... no desire to leave you behind." Halcyon smiled faintly, but it disappeared beneath a quiet frown an instant later. "It's just that her journey doesn't always go to places others can follow. You see, I never had much of a foundation in my life. When I created her, I decided to change that, so I tied a lot of her emotions to an encounter I had in the Icereach chapel, on the day you and Ansel emerged from your comas. She told you about it, after the Aldebaran incident... or, at least, the version of it that I allowed her to remember. An encounter with a light spirit." She turned her eyes down. "As a result, Halcyon is fascinated with the divine. But what she really wants is to understand herself... This is just the lens I've given her to do it. At the deepest levels, she's not trying to unlock the mysteries of science, or of the divine. She's trying to discover her place in the world."

Corsica raised an eyebrow. "And you think trying to understand her is a hopeless goal for the likes of me?"

Halcyon shook her head. "The answers she seeks don't exist yet. She's grown tremendously, but she's still only half-formed as a pony. She has to create those answers, and creation is a process of trial and error. She's not trying to hide things from you. She's just very ambitious, and embarrassed by the scope of her ambition. And she cares about you, and the answer to her question, too much to give you an incomplete one she knows isn't good enough. That's the real reason for her secrets."

"Still only half-formed as a pony?" Corsica huffed. "What's so special about that? Isn't everyone?"

Halcyon blinked, looked confused, and then shook her head. "No. I know my place in the world, and... the world would be better off if it was left vacant forever. That's why-"

"Then why not make a new place?" Corsica interrupted, leaning closer and narrowing her eyes. "Isn't that what you just said your other half is doing? If she can, why can't you?"

Halcyon worked her jaw, then sighed. "That's the reason I split us and created her. So that she can find a new way to interpret her destiny, free from me and my baggage."

Corsica frowned and sat back. "If you really believe that, then maybe you shouldn't be encouraging me to stick with her. I've got baggage too, and I have no clue what I can do with my life beyond living for the present."

"But she hasn't succeeded in getting rid of me," Halcyon countered. "In fact, I tried my hardest to disappear, and it was her who sought me out and dug me up again. She's chosen not to be free of this, against my better judgement. So if you want to be a part of this, I don't think you're going to hear any complaints from her."

"...And what about you?" Corsica asked, meeting Halcyon's eyes. "What do you want?"

"For her to succeed where I failed," Halcyon said. "Namely, at living with our destiny. I told you she's embarrassed by the scope of her ambitions, but they didn't get so big for no reason. You saw that... thing, at the crater, that's living inside us. That called itself Kindness. This... isn't a thing that could happen to an ordinary pony."

"Well, I'm hardly ordinary either, so maybe we're a good fit." Corsica leaned in again. "What is it? The Kindness thing."

Halcyon shook her head. "I don't know any more than she told you at the crater. After the crystal tower appeared in Ironridge, Halcyon followed her gut, went to the Flame District to search for the cause... and this was what we found. It was her decision to try to help it."

Corsica's heartbeat quickened. "So you just... let a thing from the ether river you know nothing about come live in your body."

"I suppose that's not wrong," Halcyon admitted. "Understand that my other half's fascination with the divine, I created to revolve around an encounter with a 'thing from the ether river'. I don't think she could have chosen any differently."

"And that doesn't bother you, or concern you at all?" Corsica leaned even closer. "Getting voluntarily inhabited by something you know nothing about? I know a thing or two about... Look, you remember Ludwig..."

Halcyon looked down.

"Also," Corsica whispered, "you don't think she could have chosen differently? Because of the way you made her to be? Then what makes you think she has a choice about her place in the world? About who she grows up to be? Wouldn't that mean any of her decisions on that front ultimately boil down to your decisions when making her?"

Halcyon recoiled a little.

"This is..." Corsica swallowed. "Who you really are. The other Halcyon, she lets you think of yourself as two different people, but it's still you deep down. She just gives you some distance between yourself and the consequences of your actions. Consequences like getting shot down again if you took the risk of trying to befriend me again, and it didn't work."

"...I did tell you as much a moment ago," Halcyon said, her voice tight. "But it's not purely mental. Here."

She held out the green gemstone that had appeared when she switched.

Corsica squinted at it.

"My mask... This is what it looks like when I don't wear it," Halcyon explained. "This is her... or, her minus me. Without it, I couldn't switch to her even if I wanted to." She pulled it back. "I don't know why I can make this. I just can."

"Huh." Corsica pondered it, and really didn't know what to think.

"...Anyway." Halcyon stretched. "Do you... have anything else to talk about? Because we should get to bed."

Corsica nodded. "This light spirit. The one you said you made the other Halcyon care about. This is still the same thing, right? You might want some distance between yourself and the decision to investigate, but you want to know what it was all about, too."

Halcyon hesitated. "...No. If I did, I wouldn't be keeping secrets about it from her. When I was creating her, all I wanted was a way out. I was more concerned with giving her something to live for than what would happen if she actually achieved her goals."

"Right," Corsica said. "In that case, you might want to take a little more agency in the decisions the two of you make. You might be scared of the consequences, but I can tell you you'll regret it a lot more if you do nothing and she gets you possessed as a result."

"...Understood," Halcyon said, looking none too happy.

---

I was me again.

It was mostly dark, with moonlight filtering through the curtains. I was on the floor, wrapped in a blanket, a bed nearby that presumably held Corsica.

One way or another, our conversation had ended, but I couldn't remember a thing.

Hey, Faye said in my mind. You there?

Yeah...?

I'm not sure Corsica is going to ask you about this again, Faye said. For better or for worse. She cares about us, and wants to understand us better. But when I'm the one who actually works up the courage to talk to her, there's going to come a time when she asks me first instead of you.

My heart stopped.

Don't think it was easy, Faye admonished. You should know by now that there's nothing I like talking about less than myself. But... just consider that it wasn't my fear that held you back, there. It was yours. I know it can't be easy, being handicapped by all of my baggage around our identity as a changeling queen. But don't let the presence of an excuse stop you from pushing yourself. Okay?

I didn't know what to think. Since when was Faye the voice of encouragement? What had I missed out on?

If I had been the one to have that conversation, would I be changed for it too?

Maybe she needed it more than me.

Maybe. Faye sounded ambivalent. Good night.

Good night.

---

After breakfast - which was more like a late lunch, after how long we slept - at the town hall, I suddenly found myself with absolutely nothing to do.

It made sense, after all. As novel as we were, and as quiet as Sires Hollow appeared, our hosts certainly had better things to do than follow us around forever. So, now that I was rested and washed and well-fed, I decided to take some initiative and go exploring.

The first thing I did was to head east, looking for the water. It didn't take long to find: the town was nestled in a protective valley, and a low pass marked the only sensible path. Before long, I had gentle cliffs on either side of me, walking a path of large gravel and packed earth, and at the apex, I saw what I was looking for.

It was... water. Flat and motionless, reflecting the sky, bounded by perfectly diagonal rock that plunged beneath the surface without an inch of shoreline, stretching all the way to the horizon... as narrow as that horizon was.

The sunrise would probably line up perfectly. If only I had gotten up sooner.

Ahead, the path wound down a ways, eventually ending at an old, well-cared-for wooden dock with a medium-sized boat docked and room for another, or perhaps two smalls. With shores like that, though, the water was probably deep; I could easily imagine a massive ship sliding up to port, and then using smaller boats to ferry its passengers the last step of the way...

We've never seen the ocean before, Faye remarked in my thoughts. Except the ether river, though that's different... although maybe not so much. If it stays this still at night, do you suppose it'll reflect the stars?

I looked down into the water, reflecting the cloudless sky. There was a thought to think about.

As I stared, I became aware of Procyon hovering by my side.

I glanced at her. "Been a while. Or am I just losing track of time?"

"Both." She stretched. "Or either. Depends on your expectations for me. Two days could be nothing, or an eternity, depending on the context."

I wasn't really sure what to say.

"Don't mind me, though," Procyon encouraged. "Just here to remind you I exist. Unlike some ponies, I'm content with my role as a spectator."

What's that supposed to mean? Faye said in my head.

Procyon didn't acknowledge her.

"Okay. That's... great," I said. "But I'm having a nice morning, and don't need it ruined by you two bickering, so if nobody minds..."

"Did someone mention bickering?" Ludwig's entirely unwelcome voice interrupted.

"No, nobody mentioned bickering," I hissed, getting to my hooves as my interest in taking in the view suddenly waned. "Silence is golden, yeah?"

"What a shame." Ludwig drooped back toward the ground. "If you ever need help winning a bickering contest, say the-!"

He was cut off as Procyon pounced on him, knocking both of them inside the road. I decided not to wait and see how that would turn out.

---

I wasn't feeling particularly introspective as I made a swift trot back into the town, Faye's admission to me last night and the specter of having to think about Ludwig doing their level best to gum up my thoughts. Exploring, exploring... Maybe I could go look for the road that led south out of town? Maybe-

"Well, someone's in a hurry. Anything I should be running from too?"

It was Papyrus.

I sized him up. "Just looking for a distraction. From my thoughts. You've got a real opportunity here to make me not regret running into you for once, so try not to blow it, okay?"

Papyrus shrugged. "Regret is a strong word, Butterfly. But believe it or not, I've been in a rare productive mood, and thought I'd do a little to help out. Care to see something interesting?"

"Productive?" I took a step forward and tilted my head. "Like what?"

He didn't answer, turning and waving a lazy wing for me to follow.

I gave chase. Papyrus led me all the way to the other side of town, to the last row of houses whose backyards were encroached upon by hills as the mountains started to rise. Try as I might, nothing looked out of the ordinary or unusual at all... and it continued to do so, even after Papyrus stopped in front of a house that had no unusual qualities whatsoever.

"That one," he said, pointing at its trimmed hedge and large upstairs window. "That's where Starlight used to live."

I glanced at him, and then at the house, and then again at him. "How do you know that?"

"I asked!" Papyrus gave the house a smug look. "And about far more than just her old haunts, at that. See, I'm not rightly sure what you and the rest of your chums see in seeking out a long-lost wonder filly, but I do recall an incident this one time where you bribed me for some information by letting me tag along on an adventure and still haven't come to collect your dues despite me making multiple jokes about it at your expense. So, I found myself with some free time, and thought to myself, 'Papyrus, old colt, you learn from your successes, and this seems like a prime opportunity to set yourself up in the same exact-'"

"Yeah, yeah, you're brilliant and I'm bad at keeping consistent priorities," I interrupted, cutting him off. "And now you're about to say you've spent all day grilling the locals for information on Starlight that I need to pay you for so you can laugh when I forget to collect."

Papyrus gave me a flabbergasted, innocent look that said Who, me?

"Yes, you." I pointed a hoof at him. "How about we say that since you still owe me, we forget the empire and you spill the beans on whatever particularly juicy secret you learned about Starlight, instead?"

"Who said anything about juicy secrets?" Papyrus shrugged. "All the details I learned were disappointingly mundane. But go on, try your luck! Spitball some questions and maybe you'll find one I can answer."

I squinted. "Are you volunteering to be helpful?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Shocking, I know. But we are in this together, and for several months at minimum. Is it such an awful idea to have a working relationship?"

"Huh. Okay." I took a step back, then glanced at the house again. "I... Err, north of the mountains. Back in Ironridge. How well did you know ponies that knew her?"

"I got around." Papyrus straightened a feather. "What does that have to do with this place?"

"I'm just curious why you're here," I told him. "On this trip. I asked you before, and you pretty well dodged the question. Now you're telling me you went out of your way to gather information about Starlight to be helpful, which my gut says actually means you knew about her before. Plus, you've got a writ, which doesn't happen to small-town ponies from the middle of nowhere."

Papyrus chuckled. "Oh, yes it does. And Icereach is way more isolated than Riverfall. But if you blow this opportunity asking about my own upbringing, I'm warning you, I can and will bore you to tears."

"Try me," I gamely threatened. "I know a thing or two about being bored growing up."

Papyrus looked disappointed that I called his bluff. "On second thought, are you sure you wouldn't rather-"

"Yes," I pressed. "Riverfall. Your home. Your reasons for stowing away on my boat. Tell me."

"Didn't I already?" Papyrus looked mildly offended. "I'm here because you forgot to hire an airship technician with your once-in-a-millennium bounty of writs, and the qualified choices Unless could call on to bail you out are very few and far between. Which is now a moot point, seeing as your airship currently needs a lot more than a technician to get airborne once again. This, in turn, leaves me with nothing to do, and a bored Papyrus is a nosy Papyrus who wants to know what his friends are up to." He dangerously waggled his eyebrows. "Now ask the right questions, or I'll start asking some of my own."

I hesitated. "Where did you get your writ?"

"Wrongamundo," Papyrus sighed. "I'm the illegitimate child of a trophy wife to a Varsidelian military baron who was exiled for her indiscretion, but not before being showered with pointless gifts such as the writ I now bear. If that explanation doesn't strike your fancy, my grandfather once served in Yakyakistan in the private militia of a war hero whose popularity allowed them to cover up copious amounts of looting, and my writ was stolen from a collector's mansion and remained in my family ever since. It's also possible that my great-great-great-great-great grandmother was the empress of the Griffon Empire, and on a class field trip to some ancient ruins the slight match in my bloodline was enough to unlock a magical seal, bestowing me with a fantastical amount of treasure that was mostly confiscated by the school board, save for the writ because they didn't know what it was."

I listened appreciatively. "You know, those are actually pretty good. I got my writ during the time I was kidnapped. The kidnappers held me in an abandoned smuggling den, you see, and I found the writ stashed away while searching for a way out."

Papyrus gave me a look. "That one is actually true, so it doesn't count."

I rubbed the back of my neck. "And the true reason you have a writ is boring enough that you're too embarrassed to say it?"

Papyrus grinned, showing his teeth.

"Fine, I'll stop asking," I groaned. "You're pretty annoying, you know that?"

He shrugged. "Runs in the family. Say, how do you feel about your own family, Butterfly?"

"Eh?" I tilted my head. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"It's just that I couldn't help but notice a high degree of nepotism in the way you handed out your writs," Papyrus casually explained. "Now, I wouldn't throw shade because someone has no friends to invite instead - no shame there, I'm the same - but you basically completely ignored utilitarian purposes in deciding who to pick! Senescey is competent, but trustworthy? You do know her history, right? And Larceny is... well, you know."

"What's that got to do with anything?" I repeated, feeling like whether or not I asked would have no bearing on whether I got the answer. "Also, I would have invited Corsica if Unless didn't give her Valey's writ first."

Papyrus dropped his tone to a whisper. "Kid, I'll let you in on a secret: I'm rambling because you keep refusing to ask me about what I want to talk about. But trust me, there are a million and one places I can take this subject that would be less comfortable than just playing along."

"I'm older than you," I pointed out. "Anyway, think I'll pass. No offense, but you're kinda rude sometimes."

Papyrus looked disappointed.

I left, but doubled back before heading properly to the house we were staying in. Hidden in the bushes, shadow sneaking for cover, I saw Papyrus still right where I left him, staring at Starlight's old house with an expression lost in thought.

---

Sires Hollow wasn't massive, but it still took me a couple wrong turns to find the way back home. When I got there, I realized the delay was lucky: Braen and Leitmotif were appearing, and towed behind them was a covered wagon.

I stared at the thing for a moment. "Where did you get that?"

It had two harnesses, a canvas roof, and comfortable room in the back for up to eight ponies, or fewer plus cargo. Braen looked to be doing the bulk of the work pulling it, with Leif mostly there to keep the steering balanced - in terms of real hours, it hadn't been that long since Leif was atrophying in a laboratory jail.

"I was learning about money!" Braen greeted, the wagon creaking and trundling along behind her. "Mother and Other Mother never entrusted me with so much money before."

"We spent some of the griffon gold that we carried down from the ship," Leif explained. "And before you ask, yes, this is a mandatory expenditure. Sires Hollow only sends land caravans every two months or so, and we can't carry enough food on hoof to avoid risking the market conditions in midpoint towns. Which, if my research is accurate, might not be favorable."

I looked at the wagon. I looked at myself, with my bracelet, and then at Braen.

This was going to be a long walk, and it would probably be the two of us doing most of the pulling.

"That look tells me you didn't think of trying to buy one of these yourself," Leif sighed. "Don't worry about Sires Hollow, or our finances. We'll probably sell it once we get to Snowport, and it'll stay in the same trade ecosystem. If they miss it, they can buy it back. Have you looked at food yet, or does that still need doing?"

I blinked, then shook my head.

Leif nodded. "What about a road map? Consulted anyone who knows particular dangers we'll want to watch out for? Better yet, have you tried pricing a guide? There are plenty of ponies in this town who know the way, so we can shop around for one who's compatible with our group, knows their stuff and offers the right price."

"No, I... haven't thought of that at all..."

Leif nodded again, though I could tell she was slightly worried about letting me be the leader. "Any climate concerns? Will we need traveling clothes? Those of us who don't already have them, at least?" She tipped her head at my old coat. "I've already confirmed that griffon gold is valid tender in these lands, and that we shouldn't encounter any language barriers, but this whole plan is dead if we get to Snowport and then fail to barter a boat from the dragons, so someone needs to get a good handle on what makes them tick. But we did buy camping gear along with the wagon, so don't worry about that."

"I'll... err..." I swallowed. "I'll start making a list."

---

A full hour of planning passed, during which Leif did most of the actual work and I had it driven home again and again how little I actually knew about all this. I woke up, went to explore the town, felt like I was being productive... but the actual productivity was happening here all along. Left to my own devices, I probably would have stayed in Sires Hollow for a full week, then pushed myself out onto the road entirely unprepared because I felt like I had to get going but didn't know what else to do.

And so I wrote, tracking our lists and ledgers, all the while pondering how much more smoothly things could have gone for me in Ironridge if I understood the kinds of things it would be useful to consider when making a plan.

We worked fast, sending Braen to purchase supplies and Corsica to make sure she didn't get scammed, and set Papyrus to work packing the wagon when he got back. Fortunately, we were enough of a novelty that the townsponies were feeling generous, because the more I wrapped my head around all the things we needed, the more I realized a simple truth: we should have carried way more money down from the Aldenfold.

As it was, it seemed likely we would arrive in Snowport with cash to spare, mostly from selling the wagon and any camping supplies we would no longer need. However, the Catantan Peninsula was huge, and we'd probably need to wind up buying them back again in Fort Redsand after crossing the sea, so that money wasn't disposable. I looked at our finances, pondered how much we could keep...

But even then, assuming everything went perfectly and we found Starlight, we would need more money for the return journey. And that wasn't even taking into consideration finding Fluttershy.

"We're not gonna be able to pay for the boat ride," I said, putting my forehooves on the table. "Even if they come dirt cheap, we'll have to save everything we have for the parts where failure would be unacceptable. At least if we get stranded in a major port town, there should be plenty of ways to make more money."

Leif barely even looked at my ledger. "Well, that is why I said barter for passage," she remarked. "When a single, powerful faction controls a place, there are plenty of opportunities to trade favors."

I hesitated, realizing what she was saying.

"We're..." I swallowed. "Gonna have to get involved in politics again?"

Leif shrugged. "It's the fastest way. And even if you're willing to slow down on your goal, I'd rather not compromise on speed for mine."

I felt myself turn slightly green, remembering all the faction wars in Ironridge...

"And if that's really so bad, make Papyrus do it," Leif grunted. "He's more competent than he acts. Now here, double-check the portion sizes on this food list, and I'll go ask around town about a guide. We shouldn't leave later than dawn tomorrow without a great reason."

"R-Roger," I said, taking the list and skimming it.

Leif left, and I was alone... except I wasn't. Procyon was hovering over my shoulder.

"Welcome back," I muttered under my breath, holding it up so she could see. "Any chance you wanna help with the brain work?"

Procyon tilted her head at me. "Since when do you need help with anything?"

I gave her a blank stare.

"Our talent?" She pointed at my clothed flank. "Quickly picking up any skill? Remember?"

I blinked. "Quickly picking up any skill that helps me pretend to be someone else," I breathed, correcting her quietly in case anyone was listening.

"But it's the same thing, right?" She raised an eyebrow. "You can't convincingly impersonate someone without being able to do what they do. That's how it always worked for us."

My eyes widened a little in realization. Yes, that was how it always worked. But...

At some point, after the Aldebaran incident and before today, I had stopped thinking of myself as an imposter and started believing I could be something for real. And I also couldn't remember the last time I had properly utilized my talent.

In fact, I was almost curious if it still did anything at all.

Comments

[KMCA]

griffon gold is valid tinder

tender.
Unless they're THAT thirsty