Shining Armor Saves Everyone

by 42Zombies

He'd Somehow Failed at Failing

Three weeks.

Equestria’s princesses had been missing for three weeks.

Twilight’s friends had gone off searching for them three weeks ago, but no one had heard from them since. That meant they had been missing for three weeks, too.

Nopony had seen Blueblood since Shining had sent him off looking for a griffon ambassador, so he’d also been missing for three weeks. Unlike the princesses or Twilight’s friends, however, literally no one cared that Blueblood was gone. Most ponies had barely even noticed.

Shining Armor, bucking the trend, had not been missing for three weeks. He had been in Canterlot castle, sitting around and being miserable with Flurry Heart. Every now and then, somepony thought he went missing, but then they checked inside the castle and found him. The fact that he was consistently still there was very popular with ponies who were not in favor of their rulers disappearing.

But Shining didn’t care about his popularity with the ponies of Equestria. He didn’t care about how the fact that he hadn’t vanished always made the front page of the daily newspaper. He especially didn’t care about the trophy he’d been given for being the ‘Least Kidnapped Ruler in Equestria’.

Shining was too stressed to care about most things. His wife was missing. His sister was missing. He had to take care of Flurry Heart alone, and the little princess was clearly starting to miss her mom. And to top it all off, Shining’s responsibilities as acting ruler of Equestria kept piling up. Equestria’s various legislative bodies had no end of work to give Shining Armor.

If there was any possible upside to this, it was that Shining was learning more about Equestria’s government. Indeed, there were more departments and branches than Shining had ever realized, and they all wanted Shining to do things for them.

To start things off, there was the Equestrian Treasury Association (ETA). They had been minting new coins in preparation for when Princess Twilight Sparkle ascended to the throne. They had just reached the point where they needed Twilight’s approval for the designs when the princesses went missing. With Twilight gone, it fell to Shining Armor to approve the coins.

So far, though, Shining had had to reject six different designs from the ETA. The coins were supposed to have Twilight’s face in profile on them, but the engravers kept depicting her as a shark with a crown. Shining didn’t know how they kept making that same mistake over and over.

Next, there was the Department of Equestrian Activities, Treats, and Holidays (DEATH). DEATH was very powerful in Equestria; almost everypony had to deal with it sooner or later. They helped with allocating funds to all of the parties and holidays that kept happening all over Equestria. If there was a festival or event somewhere in the kingdom, they were in some way involved.

There was a big holiday coming up, and naturally, that meant regular visits from DEATH. That holiday, Big Worm Day, was very popular. It was the anniversary of the time Celestia saw a big worm while on a picnic with Scorpan. Ponies celebrated by holding Worm Parties, where they’d play games like ‘Guess How Big the Worm Is’ and ‘Big Worm or Small Snake?’ With all of those festivities going on, Shining Armor had to approve of a lot of different things to make sure everypony got to enjoy the holiday.

And then there was the Equestrian Intelligence, Espionage, and Infiltration Organization (EIEIO). This was the shadowy organization that performed secret investigations into Equestria’s enemies, spied on them, and, if necessary, eliminated them. Their missions were top secret, and their deeds were completely off the books. They were willing to do terrible things for the sake of Equestria.

Since Equestria hadn’t really had any enemies in years, though, the EIEIO didn’t have anything to do. Mostly, the organization’s spymaster would show up and remind Shining that the group existed. It was kind of awkward, honestly.

Finally, there was the Bureau of Biting and Chomping. Nopony knew that this part of Equestria’s government was for or what it did. It had just always existed. Hundreds of years ago, when the ponies moved their capital to Canterlot, the Bureau of Biting and Chomping had already been established.

The Bureau was composed of one single pony. Nopony knew his name. Every day, he came into the throne room, chomped his teeth threateningly at Shining Armor, and left. Nopony knew where he went afterwards.

These four groups, along with the dozens of other administrative bodies that made up the Equestrian government, had begun to dominate Shining’s life.

Every day was exactly the same: Shining would wake up. He’d have breakfast and try to explain what crossword puzzles were to Flurry Heart. Somepony, usually Flash or Thorax, would take Shining and Flurry to the throne room. Shining would sit through countless boring presentations from various employees of the Equestrian government. Occasionally, Shining would meet with the Canterlot aristocracy so they could be rich at him. Then the day would end.

It was awful. And Flurry Heart, who was still a baby, just didn’t understand what crossword puzzles were.

“A crossword puzzle is a prison that you lock words inside of,” Shining explained to Flurry as Flash Sentry led them into the throne room. The only remaining princess in Equestria was strapped snugly into her chest-mounted baby-carrier. She made a sort of weird bubbly noise, clearly not understanding her father’s explanation.

Shining sighed wearily and sat upon his throne. Well, technically, it was Celestia’s throne. But after three weeks of having to sit in it, Shining was starting to get uncomfortably used to it.

“Thorax says you have a pretty heavy schedule today,” Flash Sentry said as he stood before the throne. “You’ve got to approve a lot of things for the Big Worm Day celebration next week. Starswirl wants to talk to you about something, too. Crossword puzzles are the only way to have fun with a newspaper.”

“Thanks, Flash,” Shining said as he leaned on one of his hooves.

Flash Sentry took his position flanking Shining’s throne. He stood opposite of the other guard, who still didn’t have a name. Shining settled into the same routine he’d gotten used to over the last three weeks and waited for the same old never-ending misery to begin.

But things would be different today. Shining Armor was in for a change of pace, and he’d get to experience an all new form of misery. The throne room doors swung open, filling the room with a deafening bang that seemed to make everything shake. Shining’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest. When he saw who was in the doorway, he almost wished it had.

“I’ve returned!”

It was Prince Blueblood, and he looked just as awful as ever. The unicorn trotted into the room with his head held high and a triumphant smile on his face. There were no words to properly describe just how proud of himself the Prince of Terrible looked.

Blueblood wasn’t alone, though. Trailing behind him was a pair of earth pony servants that were carrying a large cat carrier on their backs. They moved slowly under its weight, their knees trembling with each step. Blueblood continued on ahead of them, either oblivious or uncaring towards the effort they were going through.

“Yes, yes, you’re all welcome,” Blueblood said once he stood before Shining Armor’s throne. “I know you’re all happy to see me again.”

Flurry Heart began to whimper. Shining Armor removed her from the baby carrier and began to gently rock her back and forth in an attempt to comfort her. The sudden, booming sound of the doors being swung open had brought Flurry Heart close to tears. Blueblood’s presence only made things worse. His presence always did that.

Shining looked up from comforting his daughter and glared at Prince Blueblood angrily. “Blueblood, what are you doing here?! Don’t you have something else to do?!”

If Blueblood was aware of Flurry Heart’s frightened sniffling, he showed no signs of caring. He waved his hoof dismissively and scoffed at Shining’s anger.

“Scoff!” Blueblood scoffed. “Not anymore! I’ve finished your little task, Armor, and I have to say… it was foal’s play. It took me no time at all.”

“Little task…?” Shining needed a minute to figure out what Blueblood had been talking about. With all the tedium and stress of the last few weeks, Shining had completely forgotten about the wild goose chase he’d sent Blueblood out on. He honestly hadn’t expected that a search for a nonexistent griffon ambassador would keep Blueblood busy for three weeks.

“You’ve been looking for a griffon all this time?” Shining asked, stunned.

“Yes!” Blueblood said. “And let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. A lesser stallion would’ve given up. I looked in all of the well-to-do neighborhoods; the theater district, the School of Magic, all the best shops… I couldn’t find a single griffon. I almost went looking in some of the poorer parts of Canterlot, but I wasn’t that desperate.”

“Way to dodge a bullet,” Shining said sarcastically.

Flurry Heart had stopped crying by now, and was instead staring at Blueblood with her weird big eyes. Even though she couldn’t speak and had trouble with object permanence, Shining could tell that his daughter was not impressed by her first cousin, once removed.

“Anyway,” Blueblood continued. “I kept searching for him nonstop, save for the frequent breaks I took. Truly, it was a heroic effort. But alas, after three hours of searching, I lost all hope. I gave up. I was so melancholy that I decided to take a little vacation, and went on a three-week spa vacation.”

“You’ve been at a spa this whole time?” Shining asked incredulously.

“Yes!” Blueblood said with a smile. “I would have invited you, but I knew you were busy. Anyway, I got back to town yesterday and found the griffon hanging out in a bistro nearby.”

The two servants who had come in with Blueblood sat the massive cat carrier they had been lifting down beside the prince. They were both exhausted, and were shooting Blueblood dirty looks. The prince didn’t appear to notice.

“And… you put the griffon in that thing?” Shining asked.

Blueblood slapped the top of the carrier like he was a used-carriage salesman. “Indeed! I went out and bought the largest cat carrier I could find. Then I lured the ambassador into it with a piece of cake.”

Blueblood’s horn and the latch on the carrier’s door both lit up with the prince’s golden magic. The latch that kept the door in place lifted up, and Blueblood posed dramatically beside the carrier. He soon began to use his golden magic to pull the door open.

“Now… behold!”

The metal screen door on the carrier jostled, but otherwise didn’t open. The latch mechanism was still somewhat in place. With all the air let out of his dramatic moment, Blueblood turned his magic onto the latch once again.

“Okay,” he said. “Hang on. Let me just…”

The door continued to rattle against its latch, but it wouldn’t swing out. Blueblood gritted his teeth and pulled harder.

“Ugh, I hate these things…” He grumbled. “This always happens…”

“You have to lift and pull the door,” Flash Sentry said.

Blueblood looked back at Flash Sentry. “What, like this?”

“No, pull harder.”

“I’m pulling harder! It’s stuck!”

“It’s not stuck, you’re just not lifting it enough!”

“I’m lifting it as much as I can! If I lifted it any higher, I’d be picking up the whole carrier!”

“You’re not—”

Flash was cut off by the cat carrier door suddenly swinging outward. This didn’t happen because of Blueblood’s magic, however; an orange talon had pushed the door open from inside. And as that orange talon emerged, it was followed by an equally orange body.

The griffon who strode out of the cat carrier had the hindquarters of a tiger, and the head and wings of an eagle owl. His black stripes were mostly faded, and his plumage was bright-orange. Two tufts of feathers stuck up off of the griffon’s head like ears, or horns, or ear-horns.

He was also the single largest griffon that Shining Armor had ever seen, and Shining Armor had seen six whole griffons.

“Hey.” The griffon spoke in the most mellow, calming voice Shining had ever heard. “I’m Garth. I’m an ambassador from the griffons. You got any coffee or something? Don’t even talk to me ‘till I’ve had my coffee.”

Shining stared at the fat griffon standing in the middle of the throne room. The fat griffon who claimed to be an ambassador and had just emerged from a giant cat carrier. While Shining Armor had witnessed those events, he still had a hard time acknowledging that they had actually happened.

“You’re… an ambassador?” Shining asked slowly. It was the only thing he could think to say at the moment.

“I mean, technically,” Garth said, scratching his chin. “I was the only griffon who was willing to come to Equestria for cheap. Everyone else wanted too much money.”

“See? He’s fully qualified,” said Prince Blueblood, who had never been fully qualified for anything in his life.

Shining Armor blinked. “… You’re an ambassador?”

It didn’t make sense. Griffons didn’t have ambassadors, at least not official ones. They were too antisocial to put any real effort into diplomacy. The whole reason Shining Armor had sent Blueblood off looking for a griffon ambassador was because he knew it was impossible busywork. Blueblood shouldn’t have been able to find one… And yet he had.

Blueblood was so incompetent that he’d somehow failed at failing.

“Look, I know griffons don’t usually send ambassadors, but this is kinda important,” Garth said as he sat down on his haunches. “Word’s reached us that your pony princesses are missing, including the ones who move the sun and the moon.”

Of course. If Shining wasn’t in shock from Blueblood somehow succeeding at his impossible task, he might have guessed that this was about the princesses. The other races had been bound to find out about the missing princesses sooner or later.

“We… appreciate Griffonstone’s concern,” Shining Armor said, still recovering. “Any aid you could possibly offer us is—”

“Oh, no, no,” Garth chuckled good-naturedly and shook his head. “Sorry, I probably should have been clearer. I’m not here to offer aid, Prince; I’m here to tell you that the griffons aren’t happy about the situation with the sun and moon.”

“… They aren’t?” Shining suddenly began to feel very nervous.

Starswirl and the group of unicorns he’d gathered to fill in for Celestia and Luna had been doing a decent job moving the sun and moon, but they were still clearly having trouble. The two celestial bodies were moving much slower than they normally did, and sometimes they flat out moved the wrong way. Three days ago, instead of setting, the sun had just sort of bobbed up and down in the sky for a few hours. Despite the unicorns’ best efforts, it was obvious their magic wasn’t up to the task.

“Yeah, they’re pretty upset,” Garth said calmly. “See, in the past, they were fine with letting you ponies handle the sun and moon. Now, though, they’re starting to think maybe Equestria shouldn’t be in charge of those big boys who live in the sky. I mean, over the last few years, how many times has something gone wrong with the sun and the moon?”

Shining had to admit that Garth had a point. Since the return of Nightmare Moon, there had been lots of slip-ups with the movement of the sun and moon. Those had all been small incidents that were quickly fixed, of course, but when you added them all together, it made things look like Equestria was starting to lose its touch.

“So here’s the deal,” Garth said. “Either you ponies get your act together and start flying right, or we’re going to have to take over for you. End of story.”

“What?!” Everypony in the throne room cried out. Everypony, that was, except for Flurry Heart, who, as a baby, was incapable of verbally asking for clarification. She just babbled happily.

“But the sun and the moon can only be moved with magic!” Shining Armor pointed out. “Griffons don’t have that kind of power!”

“That’s true,” Garth agreed. “But we’ve come up with an alternative. We think that by flying up to the sun and moon and tying ropes around them, we can get them moving using a complex series of pulleys and gears.”

Shining Armor’s eyes widened. The griffons had really thought this all through! They were serious!

“But we can’t just hand the sun and the moon over to another nation without consulting the other races!” Shining pointed out.

“That’s not our problem,” Garth said. “Look, all I know is, the griffons are demanding authority over day and night if you keep messing them up. And if you refuse… we’re prepared to go to war.”

The throne room fell silent.

“With you, I mean,” Garth clarified. “We’re prepared to go to war with you.”

The throne room erupted into gasps.

“War?!” Flash Sentry repeated. “Equestria hasn’t been at war in decades! My grandpa won’t shut up about it!”

“I’m not really invested in this at all,” said the other guard.

“This is absurd!” Shining Armor set Flurry Heart down on the floor and got up out of his seat. He was too outraged to continue sitting like some sort of calm person. “You can’t declare war on us while we’re in the middle of a crisis!”

“Well, you should have thought of that before your princesses went missing,” Garth said. “Us griffons haven’t gone to war in a long time, either, but we still remember how to do it. If our demands aren’t met, we will invade Equestria and throw rocks at everyone until you all just give up.”

This was bad. With how easily-influenced the ponies of Equestria were, they would almost certainly give up after getting only a few rocks thrown at them. And if Equestria went to war and lost, what diabolical purposes would the griffons use the sun and moon for? Would they try to dissect them? Use them for advertising? The possibilities were terrifying.

“Please,” Shining Armor pleaded. “We’re doing the best we can, but with the princesses missing…”

“Hey, it’s not up to me,” Garth interrupted. “I’m just an ambassador, remember? All I can say is you’ve got a week to get your act together. After that, rocks are gonna start being thrown. A crossword puzzle is like a maze that words keep getting lost in.”

His business done, Garth turned around and walked back into the giant cat carrier he’d emerged from. The two earth ponies closed the crate’s door, lifted it up onto their shoulders, and carried it back out of the throne room. Soon, they were gone and the doors shut behind them.

Blueblood turned to Shining Armor, a smug smile on his face.

“Well, I think I did a pretty good job finding that ambassador,” he said. “You’re welcome.”

Shining Armor collapsed back down onto Celestia’s throne and held his head in his hooves. He didn’t have the energy to yell at Blueblood. Flurry Heart attempted to comfort her father by floating up to his side and making amused, bubbly noises. It didn’t help.

Flash Sentry had been right when he said that Equestria hadn’t been to war in decades. The closest they’d come to war had been the Storm King’s invasion, but that conflict had been so one-sided that calling it a war seemed generous. Shining had very little confidence in how Equestria would fare in an actual, long-term conflict.

“We have to find some way to avoid this,” Shining said. “If we go to war, we’ll just wind up embarrassing ourselves. All of the other nations will make fun of us.”

“But we can’t just hand the sun and moon over to the griffons!” Flash Sentry exclaimed. “I mean, we literally can’t! How would letting them be in charge of the sun and moon even work? I’m confused.”

“I haven’t been paying attention,” the other guard said.

“I’m not saying we give them what they ask,” Shining Armor said. “It’d be kind of irresponsible of us to just give away the sun and the moon while the princesses are missing… If that’s even something we can do.”

Blueblood tapped his chin. “Couldn’t we simply hide the sun and moon somewhere that the griffons couldn’t find them?”

Blueblood’s suggestion, appropriately enough, was met with stunned silence by pretty much everypony. Nopony knew quite how to appropriately respond to such a stupid idea. The worst part was that Blueblood had a genuinely inquisitive look on his face, like he expected everypony to start building off of his idea. It was awful.

“… There are a million reasons why that plan wouldn’t work,” Shining finally said. “Later tonight, I’ll have the palace scribes list all of those reasons in detail, compile them into a collection of books, and publish them as ‘Blueblood’s Awful Plan: The Series’. That way, everypony can read them, and nopony will ever come up with such a terrible plan ever again. Okay?”

Blueblood tilted his head inquisitively.

“Are you… saying we can’t do that?” He asked slowly.

“No!” Shining snapped. “Of course we can’t! I have no idea what we can do! The only ponies who could possibly fix this situation are the princesses!”

Shining was a little surprised when he was done with his outburst. He certainly hadn’t expected to just let loose on Blueblood like that. Blueblood, Flash, and the other guy were all staring at Shining in surprise. Flurry Heart, thankfully, didn’t look like Shining’s yelling had upset her. Instead, she was staring at her father like he was insane.

As the anger inside of Shining began to abate, he fell back into the throne and let loose another sigh. Once again holding his head in his hooves, he said the thing that was probably on everypony’s minds.

“We need to find the princesses.”

Comments

[ggg-2]

......Blueblood you moron.....

[Deergenerate]

Finally, there was the Bureau of Biting and Chomping. Nopony knew that this part of Equestria’s government was for or what it did. It had just always existed. Hundreds of years ago, when the ponies moved their capital to Canterlot, the Bureau of Biting and Chomping had already been established.

The Bureau was composed of one single pony. Nopony knew his name. Every day, he came into the throne room, chomped his teeth threateningly at Shining Armor, and left. Nopony knew where he went afterwards.

I'm not even kidding, this almost freaking killed me.

[Ploish]

Blueblood! You bolthead!

A crossword puzzle is a prison that you lock words inside of

Better see that definition in the next edition, Merriam-Webster.

[redsquirrel456]

There was a big holiday coming up, and naturally, that meant regular visits from DEATH.

No kidding, I almost died of laughter reading this chapter. You are incredibly witty, friend. The rapidly escalating silliness of the acronyms is what did it. Also the escalating silliness of the entire story.