Shining Armor Saves Everyone

by 42Zombies

Insane With Pasta Energy

After returning to Canterlot Castle from his awful sewer escapades, Shining Armor wasted no time in trying to get himself clean. He only took a moment to check on Flurry Heart before making a beeline to the Royal Bathroom, where Princess Celestia kept all of her bathtubs. As soon as Shining Armor opened the door, he hopped into the first bathtub he saw and turned on the faucet.

It took five hours of soaking in lavender-scented waters for Shining to get the sewer smell off of his coat. He didn’t care, though; Shining just closed his weary eyes and tried to rest his aching body. He wound up staying in the warm water so long that he wound up falling asleep, and didn’t wake up until the morning sun was poking in through the bathroom window.

It wasn’t the sunlight that woke Shining Armor up, though. It was the sound of one of the palace staff loudly swinging the bathroom door open and screaming.

“PRINCESS ARMOR!” The mare (Whose name, incidentally, was Ol’ Lemon Tongue.) screamed.

“Ack!” Shining acked. He jolted awake, splashing around in the bathtub’s now-murky water. He looked around in confusion, not immediately remembering what had happened last night.

The mare standing in the doorframe sighed in relief. “Oh, thank goshness. The entire palace has been looking for you, princess. When we saw you weren’t in your bedroom, we all assumed you’d been kidnapped, just like those other princesses.”

Shining felt a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance. He’d planned on sneaking back into bed without anypony knowing he’d been gone. Shining knew how much everypony would worry if he wasn’t there when they checked up on him. Unfortunately, he’d been too tired to go through with that plan.

Shining opened his mouth to tell the mare (Whose name, incidentally, was still Ol’ Lemon Tongue.) that he had not been kidnapped. Then he remembered that technically wasn’t true; those antelopes or whatever they were had kidnapped him, Thorax, and Blueblood. They just hadn’t stayed kidnapped.

“Everything’s fine,” Shining Armor said. “I didn’t get thrown into a cage and forced to watch a cult try to destroy Equestria.”

“Okay, I didn’t ask for your life story.” The mare said impatiently. “I’m just here because you have a meeting with the head of the EIEIO. I don’t know what about. I wasn’t paying any attention. She’s waiting for you in the throne room.”

The mare walked away, closing the door behind her. Shining was once again all alone in the Fancy Castle Bathroom (FCB). Rather than hurrying to get out of the tub and meet with Crystal Clear, however, Shining took a moment to gather his thoughts.

Crystal Clear was most-likely checking in to see if her tip had paid off. Shining Armor supposed there was no harm in telling her that it had. The jersey that they’d found was, hopefully, a clue to the whereabouts of the princesses’ kidnapper. Shining just hoped this didn’t turn into a wild nature’s alarm chase.

“A bathtub is the opposite of a boat,” Shining Armor mused. No one was around to here this very great thought, however.

Shining climbed out of the tub, toweled off, ate breakfast, and then left the bathroom. He did all of those things. He then proceeded to do something else: Go to the throne room. He did it by using his legs.

He did it really well.

---

Shining arrived at the throne room shortly after stopping by his room to pick up Flurry Heart. The little princess was still half-asleep by the time they reached the big, dumb, golden doors that led into the place where the fancy chair lived. It looked as if Flurry was getting used to this routine, just like her father was.

The two guards who stood outside the throne room opened the doors when Shining and Flurry arrived. It was their job to stand beside those doors and pretend that their job mattered. They were national heroes.

“Presenting Princess Shining Armor, and all of his teeth!” The guards announced, speaking in perfect unity like a pair of creeps.

Flash Sentry was already at his post, standing at the base of the stairs that led to the thrones. The other guard was also there, and that wasn’t important. Crystal Clear was standing off to the side, dressed in a trench coat that she had probably brought from home. All three of them watched as Shining walked down the aisle, towards the throne.

“Sorry I’m a little late,” Shining said. “I hope I didn’t cause any inconvenience.” The prince took a seat in Celestia’s throne and began to unfasten Flurry Heart from her harness. The baby alicorn cooed as her father lifted her up and sat her down in Luna’s throne.

“It’s only been ten minutes,” Crystal Clear said as she stood before the throne. “I have nowhere else to be, so I really don’t mind.”

“That’s enough small-talk.” Shining swung his hoof in the air angrily. “Crystal Clear, I assume this is a follow-up on… what we discussed the other night?”

Shining tried to keep things as vague as possible. As a spymaster, Crystal Clear thrived on secrecy. Plus, she’d been unwilling to talk about what she knew in the throne room the last time she’d visited. Shining Armor wasn’t exactly a spy, but he was fairly confident he’d be able to talk about his sewer adventure without giving away too many details.

“You mean the clue I have you?” Crystal Clear asked. “The clue about the princesses’ kidnapping? I told you about how someone cast a spell in the sewers, and you decided to go down there?”

Shining Armor blinked. “What happened to not wanting to talk about this stuff?”

“There’s no point now.” Crystal Clear sighed and shook her head. “Garth, the ambassador from Griffonstone, found out that you and Thorax went into the sewers last night. He’s not happy.”

“What?!” Shining stood up out of the throne in shock. “How did he find out?”

Crystal Clear shrugged. “I’m not sure. Somehow, though, he found out that Equestria’s leader is the sort of pony who goes into the sewer. He’s disgusted in your style of leadership, Princess. He’s given us an ultimatum; either give him the sun and moon before the week is out, or our lands will be at war.”

Neither of those options was good. Shining held his hooves to his face and pulled down on his cheeks. These two bad options were making his brain do a stress, and it wasn’t very nice. Shining had become the Lord of Worry.

“Is there any way we can get more time?” Shining asked.

“Possibly,” Crystal Clear said. “Garth said he would be willing to give us a few more weeks if we gave him something.”

Shining raised one of his two eyebrows. “… What does he want?” He asked cautiously. Whatever it was, he doubted it would be easy to get ahold of. He braced himself for whatever ridiculous demand Garth had made.

“A tin of lasagna.” Crystal Clear said.

“Lasagna?” Shining repeated. He looked at Crystal Clear quizzically, taken aback by her answer. “Do you mean the good casserole that has cheese and sauce? The one that is usually shaped like a rectangle?”

“Yes,” Crystal Clear nodded. “He craves that sweet cake made out of noodles. He wants to go insane with pasta energy. Unfortunately, I checked, and no one in Equestria knows how to make lasagna.”

Shining’s eyes widened in surprise. “No one? Seriously?”

“Not a single pony.” Crystal Clear could only shrug her leg-shoulders at the prince. “Some of the chefs I spoke with didn’t even know what lasagna was. One chef thought he did, but he just kept making different types of flan. It’s truly a hopeless situation. I ate all of the flans and it made me sick.”

Shining Armor slumped back into his throne. “This is terrible. We don’t have nearly enough time to find the princesses or to find out how to make lasagna.”

The throne room grew silent. This was because nopony was talking. Up above, in the rafters, one of nature’s alarms honked. This was not talking. The silence returned, only to be cut short by Crystal Clear using her mouth to say words. This was definitely talking, unlike that terrible bird-noise.

“Well…” The spymaster said cautiously. “It’s true we don’t have many options… But there is one way to deal with Garth’s demands.”

Crystal Clear looked around, then leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially. She was still standing several feet away, though, so she had to whisper loudly. This meant she basically just spoke at a normal volume, but in a sneaky way.

“Maybe we could disappear this little problem,” she suggested. “Maybe we just make sure Garth isn’t able to report back to the other griffons. How about that, huh?”

All eyes were on Crystal Clear, who had her eyebrows raised expectantly. The implications of what she was suggesting set in quickly. Shining exchanged a look of alarm with Flash Sentry, who looked just as taken aback as Shining felt. Flurry Heart, meanwhile, cooed and giggled happily, which was more than a little concerning.

“Are… Are you suggesting we murder Garth the Griffon?” Shining asked, horrified.

“No!” Crystal Clear exclaimed quickly. “No, no, no, no—of course not, of course not. Never.”

Crystal Clear paused for a moment and looked off to the side.

“Well, yes,” she admitted. “Yes, I was suggesting that. But if you’re not in favor of that plan, we do have a much more humane option. We could always just arrest Garth on false charges and imprison him forever in a prison no one will ever know about. Y’know, standard spy stuff.”

“Have I fired you yet?” Shining Armor asked.

“No,” Crystal Clear said. “For some reason, you didn’t fire me as soon as you met me.”

“Okay, well, I’m changing that.” Shining pointed a hoof at Crystal Clear. “I’m firing you. I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.”

Crystal Clear nodded understandingly. “I completely understand. This was a good business decision on your part; I am constantly abusing my power to no real end or benefit. Frankly, I have no idea why Dusty Draft put me in charge when he retired from the EIEIO.”

Before Crystal Clear had even finished her sentence, Shining found himself sitting up in surprise. He didn’t immediately know what she’d said that caught his attention, but something was definitely setting off an alarm in Shining’s head. All of the alarms in Shining’s head sounded like birds, and they were constantly screaming.

“Hold on,” Shining said. “Crystal, say that again.”

“Okay,” Crystal Clear said. “I completely understand. This was a good business decision on your part; I am constantly abusing my power to no real end or benefit. Frankly, I have no idea why Dusty Draft put me in charge when he retired from the EIEIO.”

There it was. When Shining Armor heard the name ‘Dusty Draft’, his brain did a remembering. He flashbacked to his first day as Equestria’s interim ruler, and to that crazy old pegasus who’d started ranting at him on the balcony. The old stallion had seemed kind of nuts, so Shining had completely brushed him off and forgotten about him until that moment.

That awful old grandpa was the previous spymaster of the EIEIO?

“Your predecessor was Dusty Draft?” Shining Armor asked in disbelief. “Is this the same Dusty Draft who I spoke to on my first day in charge?”

“I have no clue who you spoke with on that day,” Crystal Clear pointed out. “But yes, that was him.”

Shining sat back in his throne. He exchanged a surprised look with Flurry Heart before turning his attention to Flash Sentry.

“Flash, did you know about this?” He asked.

“No, sir.” Flash Sentry said. “I always thought that Dusty Draft was just a crazy old pony. I had no idea he was actually a crazy old pony who also used to be a spy. I’m just as surprised as you are.”

Shining rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

“No,” he said. “I’m definitely more surprised than you. I can’t believe that old guy used to be in charge of the EIEIO. He was, like… really crazy, and he smelled like pinecones. Crystal, are you sure we’re talking about the same guy?”

“Yup,” Crystal Clear said with a nod. “A crazy old man who claims his name is Dusty Draft? That definitely sounds like Dusty Draft. He used to be one of Princess Celestia’s best agents before he decided to retire and go insane. Now he spends all his days ranting, raving, and doing that thing where you pin photos to a wall and connect them with pieces of string. You know the thing I’m talking about?”

“I do!” Shining Armor said. He did.

“Okay, good,” Crystal Clear said. “I really didn’t want to try and describe it. Why are we talking about this again?”

That was a good question. Why were they talking about this? Shining had gotten distracted by the mention of Dusty Draft, but he supposed it didn’t really matter. After all, when they’d met, the old pegasus had seemed pretty out of it. He’d been ranting and raving about ridiculous things like griffons stealing taffy, or gazelle cultists living in the sewers.

Wait a minute.

Shining Armor practically leapt out of his seat. He didn’t actually, leap, though; he just stood up very quickly in alarm. Anyone who thought he actually leapt out of the throne he was sitting in was probably dumb.

“Sweet Celestia!” Shining Armor exclaimed. “The old man was right!”

“What?” Flash Sentry asked. “Which old man? I stopped paying attention.”

“I haven’t been paying attention for weeks,” the other guard said.

“Dusty Draft!” Shining looked at the ponies assembled in the throne room. None of them seemed to share in his shock at what he’d just realized. “He mentioned something about a cult of gazelles living in the sewers! And he was right! By Jove, he was right!”

“… So?” Flash Sentry asked. “So what if he was right about one thing? You talked to him, sir; you remember how crazy he sounded.”

“Yes,” Shining Armor agreed. “But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t know things. He was the previous spymaster of the EIEIO, right? So even if he is all gross and crazy, he probably still knows plenty that he can tell us. Remember how he said that he had a whole book’s worth of information?”

Flash Sentry still looked uncertain. Before he could voice any more concerns, however, Crystal Clear spoke up.

“He mentioned having a book?” She asked. “Was it this one?”

Crystal Clear reached into the confines of her trench coat and produced a large, hardcover book. She held it up for Shining Armor to see, and then tossed it at the prince. Shining reached out and caught the book in his hooves like a real pro. Everypony applauded politely.

Shining looked over the book. On the front of the dust jacket, in large, golden print, was the title: ‘A Whole Book’s Worth of Information: Unlocking Your Potential After Retiring, by Dusty J. Draft’. On the back of the book was a glossy photo of the author, Dusty Draft, wearing a sweater and smiling pleasantly.

Shining looked at the book in amazement, but not because he’d never seen a book before. He was amazed because when Dusty had mentioned having enough information to fill a book, Shining had assumed the old man was just being metaphorical. But no; here was an actual book, with words and everything.

This all lent even more credibility to Dusty as a source of information. But there was one more thing Shining wanted to check out. The prince opened the book and began flipping through the pages. He went past the dedication, the table of contents, the forward that had been written by some Diamond Dog named Ziggy, and the prologue.

Finally, Shining arrived at the book’s first chapter. The chapter’s title was written in large print, and was so long that it took up an entire page. Sure enough, the chapter was called…

CHAPTER 1:
THE PRINCESSES DISAPPEARING
IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG
AND THINGS ARE ONLY GONNA GET WORSE

“My gosh,” Shining Armor said. “He wasn’t just a crazy old man… He was a crazy old man who might actually know something about what happened to the princesses!”

Flash Sentry looked at the prince in confusion. “What makes you say that, sir?”

“I know because that’s the first line of chapter one!” Shining explained. He looked down and began reading from the book. “It says, ‘If one day all of Equestria’s princesses magically disappear, I’m the only one with a good idea of what happened to them.’”

“Oh.” Flash Sentry blinked. “Okay, I guess. I can buy that.”

Shining flipped through the book. It was full of useful information, like where Dusty Draft lived and what times he was usually at home. There was no info about what had actually happened to the princesses, but Shining Armor supposed that would have been a little unrealistically convenient.

Shining Armor looked up from the book and looked at Crystal Clear irritably. “Why didn’t you tell us about this book earlier? This would have saved us the trouble of going into the sewers and getting held prisoner by those gazelles! I wouldn’t have had to associate with Blueblood!”

The EIEIO’s former spymaster could only shrug sheepishly.

“I didn’t know what was in the book,” Crystal Clear admitted. “Due to a unique brain injury I sustained early on in my career, I’m completely unable to read. I can write, but I can’t read. Sometimes I’ll write something down and then immediately get confused.”

“I don’t have time to tell you how much I hate everything you just said.” Shining Armor picked Flurry Heart up and began to put her into the baby carrier on his chest. “We need to speak with Dusty Draft. Where does he live?”

Crystal Clear pointed out one of the windows.

“Thanks.” Shining Armor walked down the steps, away from the throne. As he made his way towards the doors that led out into the castle, he gestured behind him towards Flash.

“Come on, Flash. I’ll need you and Thorax just in case I need to wrestle in a triple threat match. I don’t think I will, but you never know.”

Flash Sentry galloped after Shining Armor as the prince left the throne room. It was time to get answers. It was time to learn the truth.

It was time to find out where the dang princesses went.

---

They found Thorax in Celestia’s study. He had been staring at a lamp in amazement, occasionally butting his head against its bulb in an attempt to get inside of it. It took nearly an hour to pull him away from what he was doing, but eventually Shining and Flash were able to get Thorax to come with them on their trip to see Dusty Draft.

Draft’s home was right where Crystal Clear had said it was: Outside the castle. It was an upscale senior apartment building where old ponies went to live once they got sick of being around young people. It had an indoor pool, a spa, and a room that was just for screaming. Nobody knew what the building’s name was.

“Well, this is the place,” Shining Armor said five minutes after they arrived at the apartment building. They had been standing in the lobby, which smelled like oranges.

After a few more minute, the two stallions, one changeling, and one baby alicorn got into the apartment’s elevator. Shining pushed the special button that made the elevator go up to the third floor. According to Dusty Draft’s book, that was where his apartment was.

The elevator went up for a bit, and then came to a stop. With a coughing noise, the doors opened to the third floor. Shining’s group stepped out into the carpeted hallway and the elevator doors slid closed behind them.

“Well, this is the place,” Shining Armor said again.

There were only two apartments on the third floor—Apartment 3A, and Apartment 3A-1. Shining Armor led his group to the door for Apartment 3A. It didn’t matter which door they picked, because Dusty Draft lived in both of the apartments.

“Well, this is the place,” Shining Armor said as he gestured to the door.

“Boy, it sure is,” Flash Sentry said. “Sir, are you sure about all of this? You said that you found a jersey from Seaweedattle. Isn’t that enough of a clue? Do we really need to go into an old person’s apartment? It’ll smell weird.”

“What?” Shining Armor asked. “Sorry, Flash, I didn’t hear you; I kinda spaced out.”

Shining Armor raised his hoof up and knocked on the door of Apartment 3A. Then he did it again, exactly once. He stood back and waited for Dusty Draft to open the door. It would probably take a while, though, because he was so old.

From the other side of the door, Shining heard the sound of someone unfastening a lock. Then he heard it again. He heard it several more times as the pony inside of the apartment undid eight consecutive locks. Shining Armor didn’t know if Dusty Draft had so much home security because of his past as a spymaster, or because he was just crazy.

It didn’t matter, though. Shining Armor wanted answers, no matter who they came from. If Dusty Draft really knew something about where the princesses had gone, Shining didn’t care how crazy he was. He was prepared for anything.

But when the door of Apartment 3A opened, Shining had no way of being ready for what he saw on the other side.

Author's Note:

If you have a crazy old man appear in Act 1, by Act 3 he has to be somehow relevant to the plot.

This is the literary principle of "Chekov's Grandpa".

Comments

[Ploish]

“A bathtub is the opposite of a boat,” Shining Armor mused.

Shower bathtub thoughts.

So Garth is a cat-bird that likes to snooze? He's gotta have a good meal.

[AdmiralTigerclaw]

9987637
He may or may not like pushing yellow diamond dogs off cliffs.