Hostage Situation
“Goodnight, Angel bunny.” Fluttershy watched the white rabbit curl up under the blanket in his little bed, and then she reached over and turned off the lamp. Soon both creatures had settled into their own rhythmic breathing, peacefully asleep.
Inhale.
Thousands of stars twinkling musically above the little cottage.
Exhale.
The full moon blinked, and a chill blew in through the closed window.
Inhale.
A frigid wisp of shadow drew itself slowly over her cheek. Fluttershy bolted upright.
“Who’s--” but the wisp snapped over her mouth and more tentacles of darkness wrapped themselves around her wings and legs.
In the center of the shadow hovering at the foot of her bed, in the very darkest part, a pair of glowing eyes opened. “Come with me...”
Fangs sprouted from Angel bunny’s mouth. The moon was blood red and the sky blacker than it had ever been. Twilight and Rarity and Applejack and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash all tumbled into a gaping chasm and the earth swallowed them. Every flower in her yard blackened under a different-colored flame. “Your garden is looking lovely today,” Discord said, and then faded into nonexistence. And all the world faded into nonexistence, and thousands of glowing eyes opened in the darkness, and they all trained on Fluttershy and cast a spotlight on her, and they all laughed…
Fluttershy started wailing.
“Get up already!” Sombra kicked the pony hard in the ribs. Fluttershy awoke to that winded, leaving it to her fearful gaze to plead her attacker for mercy. The corners of her eyes burned. “Now hold still,” and Sombra levitated a gag over her mouth and a chain around her hooves.
Fluttershy saw the dark room they were in, wherever it was, shift and transform. In a moment, it became the throne room in Twilight’s castle, and she and Sombra were on the map-table while five of the six thrones were occupied by their owners.
“I’ve looked everywhere, I tell you! She’s gonnnnuuuuhhhhhh….” Rainbow Dash’s mouth fell agape, as did everypony else’s around the table. Sombra took stock of their faces and broke out in menacing laughter. Fluttershy could only dart her eyes around in fear and confusion.
Twilight was the first to regain her senses. “I don’t know how you’re back again, Sombra, but we’ve defeated you twice already and we can do it again! Girls?” The five all joined hooves in a circle around the shadow King. He said nothing, but his eyes spoke amusement. Twilight reached for Fluttershy’s chained hoof, but when they should have made contact and initiated the rainbow, Twilight’s hoof instead passed right through Fluttershy’s.
“What?”
After another hearty laugh, Sombra finally spoke. “That’s King Sombra. You think I’m a fool, do you? Obviously, I’m more powerful than you reckoned. I and my hostage here are merely a magical projection, transmitted from a location you cannot possibly discover!”
Twilight naturally began trying to track the magical trail of the projection. “What do you want with her?” she demanded.
Rather than answering, Sombra returned coolly, “Summon Discord.” Fluttershy’s wide eyes grew wider when Discord then appeared in a flash of blinding light without any actual summons.
“Now there will be no magical disturbances in the throne room on my watch! Where’s Fluttershy?”
“MMMPH!”
Discord whipped around and a cage descended over Sombra. After slithering on top of it, Discord reached down to remove Fluttershy’s gag. “What is this?” He demanded when his paw went right through her.
“Discord,” The projected Sombra stepped easily through the bars of the cage. “I came to speak with you.”
Discord curled himself around the Fluttershy projection. “Well, hurry it up and give her back.”
“Hmm… No. You see, Chaos Lord, I’m going to take over Equestria again, and you’ve demonstrated to me that you are too much of a threat to be allowed a chance to join in the game. So! Here’s our deal: You promise not to intervene at all in the defense of Equestria against me, and I promise not to kill this pony.”
“MMM!” Fluttershy shook her head vigorously.
“Quiet, you!” Magically yanking Fluttershy’s bonds, Sombra sent her tumbling onto her chin, her projected image passing right through Discord’s body.
But the tears and the pain in Fluttershy’s bloodshot eyes were very real. Discord roared.
“I WILL FIND YOU! I WILL PUNISH YOU!”
“Hmph. Try,” Sombra examined a hoof nonchalantly, “and I’ll kill her.”
“DAAAHHH!” burst Twilight, drenched in sweat, “I don’t know how he’s done it but I can’t find them! Discord, I can’t find them!” The Princess’s voice rose in panic, and Applejack hopped over and laid a calming hoof on her shoulder, glaring daggers at Sombra.
Fluttershy was weeping, quietly, so as not to attract her oppressor’s notice.
Tears squeezed out of Discord’s eyes too. Angry tears. Desperate tears. “Release her!” He hurtled a ray of magic at Sombra.
It passed right through the projection, of course, and Sombra just held Discord’s gaze with a blank expression. Purple flames appeared at the corner of his eyes, then at the corner of Fluttershy’s. The captive pony flopped to the ground and began to writhe in agony.
“LEAVE HER ALONE!” Discord’s ears were pinned backward, all his teeth bared at the enemy. He flung a spray of little needles that flashed like sparklers when they hit Sombra’s projection.
“Discord, don’t--!” Twilight cried, too late. Sombra flinched and sneezed reflexively; one of the needles had struck him physically in the nose.
“HA!” cracked Discord. “I’ve got you!”
But before he could step through the dimensional rip he conjured, a magical noose tightened around Fluttershy’s neck and lifted her body partway off the ground. The pegasus, eyes white and flaming, struggled and flailed as her body began to fall limp.
“You mustn’t move an inch, draconequus!” Sombra bellowed. “Make your promise now, and she will live!”
Discord wrung his hands in desperation, his eyes bulged in fear. “You promise you won’t hurt her!”
The ponies were all stiff in their thrones except for Rarity, who fainted before she could even summon her fainting chaise. The King looked as serene as could be with the dangling, dying pony beside him.
“I will make no promise of the kind; only that she will live.”
“You can’t… There must… I...” Discord’s fighting stance drooped into defeat. “I will not interfere.”
“Good.” The noose evaporated and Fluttershy’s body crumpled to the ground. She was unconscious but her chest heaved in huge, shaky breaths. “See that you keep your end of the deal, and I will keep mine. This little pony may be of use to me, after all...” Sombra made a show of stroking Fluttershy’s unconscious face, locked eyes with Discord one last time, and then the projection vanished and the map-table was empty again.
“Discord,” Twilight’s voice was shaking, “I’m so sorry.”
“Aw, Sugarcube...”
“This is totally not cool!”
Discord met nopony’s eyes. He merely looked up at Fluttershy’s empty throne with silent tears streaming down his face and neck, choked in a lungful of heavy air, and blinked right out of Equestria.
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Ah yes... This looks interesting. You have my interest.
9763928
Thank you! I hope you enjoy what is to come!
You better Have Discord tear Sombra apart and reform him ina mex up mess a dozen times screaming for mercy but getting none.
9764370
He sure does deserve that, doesn't he? But I'm afraid we've still got a long way to go before then...
This is really good so far! Count me in!
9765061
Wow, thank you so much!
I can't wait for more chapters!
9765641
Me neither! I won't make you wait too long!
9765486
Of course! You know, though, they could make it even worse...
"Use your powers for us or we kill Fluttershy."
Sometimes I wonder if they'll do that in the finale. Like when Jafar became Genie's master in Aladdin.
9766127
Oh, yikes, I sure hope that doesn't happen in the show! I'm going to say the villains in my story don't go that route because it would be too much work to make sure Discord doesn't rescue Fluttershy and turn on them...
This should be "in the darkest part". The word "very" is not needed, since you already established that it's the darkest part and there is no way to enhance this anymore.
Alternatively, you also could have written "in the very dark part". This sounds less elegant, but would still be grammatically correct.
I'm not sure what word you wanted to use here, but "trained" means something else, so this particular word choice does not fit to the situation.
This should be "winding" instead. "Winded" means that the action of "winding in pain" has already happened, while you wanted to describe that it's happening right now in this very moment. The correct word to use if it happens right in this very moment is "winding".
And since it would sound awkward to have the words "winding" and "leaving" so close to each other, it would best sound like this "Fluttershy awoke to that, winding in pain. She left it to her fearful gaze to plead her attacker for mercy."
Generally speaking, it's never a good idea to have two words that sound almost identically stand so close to each other.
I can see what you wanted to do here, showing how Rainbow Dash transitioned seamlessly from talking to screaming. And this was a nice and atmospheric idea, just the execution doesn't work well this way. Or, actually, it works a little too well. It sounds like Rainbow Dash's scream is still a part of the word, like she was actually saying the word "gonnnnuuuuhhhhhh". Better: "She's gon–" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
The dash I used here is used to signify it when a character suddenly interrupts a sentence or gets interrupted while saying it, in that case, Rainbow Dash gets interrupted by her scream. The better way to write down a scream is also "AH" rather than "UH". The latter is better used in situations when the character doubts something or is weirded out by something.
Rainbow *Dash
A "hearty" laugh is commonly associated with a happy, cheerful laugh, not a dark, menacing one. It's something to describe it when a character laughs for reasons like hearing a joke, out of joy or even out of relief. One of the words you can use to describe the way Sombra laughs there is "cackling", or, if you want to be more straightforward, "menacing". Which is a word you already used prior to that sentence, so I'm guessing the issue here is just knowing the meaning of certain words, which is rather easy to learn.
Why is Sombra doing this? I suppose you wanted to get it even more across how everything is a magical protection. Sombra, however, does not have a real reason to step out of the cage, he is not imprisoned by it, so there's no threat for him if he just keeps standing where he is.
In fact, the scene would probably be more effectful if Sombra would just keep standing there with a pitying or mocking smile on his lips, purposely demonstrating how useless the cage is. There is nothing scarier than an attack that has no effect on the enemy.
When reading that sentence, I thought to myself "How is that possible? He is just a projection." It felt like you just created a plothole.
You explained that right after and that explanation works. But this sentence would go better if you left out the second part of it. Reading how the needle struck Sombra "physically in the nose" before the explanation for how that is possible happens is a too sudden way to get it across, before the mind of the reader can properly switch to this reveal.
It feels overwhelming to read it like that, however, in a more subtle way, with only the first part of the sentence, it is a very effective way to hint at it that something has changed.
These dialogues feel a little empty and would feel better if an action by Applejack and Rainbow Dash would accompany them. Not every line of dialogue needs the description of an action, especially not in a longer discussion where several characters alternate between each other, but if a line of dialogue happens very suddenly, like here, it is recommended.
9770754
I know "very" is a grammatical redundancy in this sentence, but I used it anyway because I liked the rhythm it creates. The whole sentence is rife with prepositional phrases, which I did to convey the mounting tension and fear Fluttershy is experiencing, but without "very", the rhythm becomes constant and monotonous. The solutions you propose both avoid the monotony and the redundancy, but they lack the rising tension I wanted to express. I will therefore exercise my authorial prerogative and retain my original construction.
The word "train" as a verb can mean either to teach or to point/aim. "Trained" is absolutely the word I wanted, and I meant it in the latter sense.
I'm not sure how you were understanding this sentence, but "winded" is the correct word for the circumstance I was portraying. When Sombra kicked Fluttershy in the ribs, she had the wind knocked out of her—an idiom for a forced breathing interruption—hence, she was "winded".
Rainbow's not screaming. The very next sentence is "Rainbowdash’s mouth fell agape, as did everypony else’s around the table." I wrote Rainbow's dialogue the way I did to show how her mouth simply fell open in the middle of a word as her attention became fixed elsewhere.
Aw, geez. I wrote Rainbow Dash's name wrong through the entire story! Guess I'd better go fix that before I release more chapters...
I had written a few sentences above the hearty laugh that Sombra "said nothing, but his eyes spoke amusement." I like to think Sombra finds their pitiful, futile efforts just utterly hilarious.
Sombra's reason for leaving the cage is pizzazz. He's bad and he's powerful, and he likes playing up that image. The mocking smile would also work, but I tend to think that he's not going to just sit in a cage, even a useless one, if he doesn't have to.
Hey, cool! You say the way I wrote this comes across as confusing and sudden. It's almost like I physically struck you in the nose! If my construction gave you the sensation of what Sombra would have been feeling, then my writing was successful.
It's supposed to feel empty. Discord isn't really paying attention to their attempts to comfort him. He's so distraught, he probably hardly even perceives them, so neither do you as the reader.
I will stick with this, I want to see how it ends!
Great job so far!
This is exactly what I wanted to see at the finale. Not that I wanted flutters to die but to reveal that fluttercord is cannon.
10248105
Right? A big reason I wrote this is because I was craving more Fluttercord in the final season, and the show just wasn't giving it to us. Thanks for the read!