Eyes opened in the dark. Left and right, up and down, no, no light anywhere.
“Is… Anycreature there?” She could feel in the almost-echo of her voice that she was in a room, a small one, without much in the way of furnishings. Each of her four hooves in turn made a soft tap on the stone floor that sounded big in the silence as she raised herself to a stand.
“Ow!” And just as quickly, she was kneeling. Her side was throbbing, and taking too large a breath made her esophagus burn. Fluttershy sat and took stock of herself.
Indistinct aches and soreness all over, from lying for a long time on a hard stone floor.
A bruise on her left side, still fresh and painful even to touch.
Searing sores along the outside corner of each eye.
A distinct, deep bruise, almost a cut but at least a dent, over the whole length of her throat.
Just as Fluttershy began to recall the source of her injuries, a barely-perceptible breeze caught her attention, almost like the room itself had drawn in a breath.
Light appeared with a gust of cold air. For a moment it blinded Fluttershy and she flinched in its glow, but then she recognized the shadow it cast.
Thunk. The door shut, leaving Fluttershy alone in a small room with Sombra. He hung his magic lamp on a hook in the wall.
“Hello, my little pony. Bow to your King and captor.”
Fluttershy stood and bristled, growling “What do you want with me?”
“Oh, nothing. And...” He used his magic to pull Fluttershy’s face close to his. “Many things.” The dim lamp illuminated little but his devilish eyes and his devilish grin.
“Eep!”
“First,” Sombra dropped his magical hold, “matters of business. I am warning you of what you probably already realized—that you will almost certainly never see any of your friends ever again—”
Fluttershy gasped.
“—As they will need to be destroyed when Equestria is once again under my command. Cooperate with me, however, and you out of all of them will be allowed to live.”
She glared at him, eyes glittering in hate.
“Oh, and don’t even think about Discord. Our little display worked like a charm. Discord vanished without a trace after we left, and not the slightest peep or magical hiccup has been heard out of him in the days since. It seems you’ve been abandoned!” This time, Sombra crouched to bring his own face down to Fluttershy’s. “Maybe he never really loved you after all.”
“Discord never—!” Sombra’s smirk silenced her.
“Well, you’ll have lots of quiet time alone to think about that. Now,” he stood up again, “I understand you are a mortal and have certain needs to fill in order to be kept alive. You are of much more use to me living, so do enlighten me. What do you need to live?”
Fluttershy did not appreciate the condescension in her captor’s air. She merely glared.
“Tell me or don’t. I will personally see to it that you live whether you want to or not. But I don’t expect whatever necessities I decide to give you will be to your taste.” Sombra lifted the lamp and started toward the door.
“Water,” she stated. Sombra paused his exit. “And food, like fruits and vegetables.”
“Water, fruits and vegetables,” Sombra repeated, turning back to face Fluttershy again. “Is that all?”
“No. I will need sleep, more sleep than I can get lying on this stone floor! I need a bed, or a cushion at the very least. And companionship. Mortals like myself tend to go mad without it.” In her eyes she said, and I wouldn’t be of any use to you mad either, now would I?
“Well!” Sombra faced Fluttershy fully as he hung the lamp on the wall again. “So much for the business; now for the pleasure! I think I can fill those last two needs easily enough.” He looked down his snout at his prisoner and ran his tongue over his fangs.
“Oh my.” Fluttershy shrank and shuffled backwards until her back made contact with a wall, and she almost didn’t notice the pain in her throat as her breathing sped up.
“I will provide your companionship, and your companion will bring you a bed as often as he brings himself!” And at that, an enormous bed appeared. It took up half the room. Fluttershy’s eyes just kept growing wider and wider as she mashed her aching body further into the wall.
“Please no, please no, please no,” she whispered, squeezing shut her eyes.
And then she felt her body whirling and her eyes flung back open in time to see Sombra catch her out of his magical grip with a front hoof and slam her down onto the bed underneath him.
“My, what a tiny, sweet morsel you are!” He gave Fluttershy’s cheek a relished lick.
It already hurt to breathe, and Sombra’s massive frame crushing her up to her chest made it even worse! Fluttershy felt like she was about to explode and it was a nightmare—it had to be!—with how powerless and afraid she felt. Except that hot, poison tongue on her face was all too real.
As Sombra angled his head down to get at her neck, Fluttershy quickly lifted her front hooves with what mobility she had and placed them on his shoulders. Then she began to rub.
“Oh, King Sombra,” she cooed, “you’re so very tense! If you’re going to enjoy yourself, you really ought to let me help loosen your poor stiff muscles!”
Sombra leveled his eyes on hers, a question in his face.
“I’m an excellent masseuse,” she added, daring a coy smile.
“...Very well.” The crushing weight lifted itself and Fluttershy quietly took as huge a breath as she comfortably could. “I will experience your massage.”
“Great!” Fluttershy sat herself on the edge of the bed. “First, it would be best if you removed all that armor, oh my King.” She bowed her head for good measure. Sombra raised a skeptical eyebrow but levitated away his armor and adornments. He didn’t look any smaller wearing nothing but his own fur, Fluttershy noted. “And then, lie down in the middle of the bed, right about here...” She gently pushed on his back and shoulders to arrange him lying on his stomach on the bed.
Then she began to work. Her hooves were well-trained after so many years of helping Hairy the bear loosen up after hibernation. Sombra’s tight shoulders were no match for Fluttershy. Soon, the King heaved a heavy sigh of bliss.
When his breathing began to steady into a deep rhythm, Fluttershy saw her chance. She sang a lullaby, and gradually lightened her pressure on Sombra’s shoulders. A few quiet moments passed and Fluttershy was certain her tormentor was just about asleep.
Until his head shot up. Sombra stood and swatted Fluttershy hard onto the bed in one quick motion.
“What spell are you working, wretch?” He gritted through his teeth.
“Oh, no spell, my King!” Fluttershy appeased, not even bothering to lift herself back up. “You were just so relaxed, you started falling asleep!”
“Sleep? I am immortal. I do not need sleep. You were casting a spell!”
“No, really! It looked like your body wanted to sleep, so I was just singing you a lullaby, the same one I sing to all my animals to help them fall asleep. Maybe you don’t need to sleep, but I bet it could still be useful to you! When is the last time you allowed yourself a good night’s rest?”
Sombra’s face softened in thought, and to Fluttershy he looked rather groggy in the dim lamplight.
“I don’t seem to recall.”
“Oh, then you must try it! I bet you’ll wake up feeling refreshed, stronger and more focused, even! Do let me help you fall asleep. —My King.” She bowed her head again.
“Hmm.” Sombra made a show of locking up the door with his magic and teleporting away the keys. “If sleep does not have the effect you describe, then I relax my way next time.” The King covered her up with his body again for emphasis.
“Oh, it’ll work! It’ll work!” Fluttershy exclaimed through his fur, trying to convince herself as much as him. Sombra wordlessly got off and repositioned himself on the bed. All the kindness she could muster for this cruel stallion, Fluttershy willed into her massaging hooves and her singing voice.
At length, Sombra fell deeply asleep. Fluttershy gazed longingly down at the bed beneath her, and then moved to find herself a spot on the floor. Her shifting weight caused Sombra to roll over, and his arm caught her and pinned her to the bed again. The helpless pony found herself trapped against the Shadow King’s stomach; she tried to shimmy free but her bruised side was down against the bed and any kind of movement exacerbated its pain.
Oh well, at least it’s kind of comfortable if I stay still. Fluttershy settled in for a fearful and fitful sleep.
She awoke many times in the night, but with no windows or clocks or birdsong, Fluttershy could never tell how much time had passed. She couldn’t even be sure that it was actually night. All that mattered to her was that every time her consciousness surfaced, she was still pinned under Sombra in one way or another. This beast of a stallion was just a naturally smothering force, apparently.
Eventually, he too awoke and banished the last of Fluttershy’s slumber by stretching like a cat on top of her, crushing her again under his bowing chest and front legs. Then he rose and lowered himself from the bed.
“Well, how do you feel?” Fluttershy sat up at last and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“I feel… Refreshed. Stronger. More focused.” A pause, and his face hardened. “How did you know what effect sleep would have on me? I knew you were casting a spell!” Magic encased Fluttershy and flung her forcefully into the stone wall. She fell to the floor with a dull whump.
“I wasn’t, please King Sombra, I wasn’t!” She squeaked when she’d caught her breath again. “It’s just my talent. I’m good at taking care of animals, and of course I’m good at taking care of ponies too!” She fought back tears as she went on. “I could feel how badly your body wanted that sleep – all I did was help it do its own work!” Sombra stalked over, his eyes hard on the mare’s face. “Please, my King.”
“I will consider this, and perhaps I may come to you for sleep again. Until then,” the bed vanished and a bowl each of mixed fruits and water appeared in its place, “these will suit your other needs. I’ll return… oh, eventually. Now, a little gift to remember me by.” Sombra lowered his face to Fluttershy’s again, and she shut her eyes, too much in pain to escape and unable to sink any lower into the floor.
There was a nibble on her left ear. Fluttershy tensed and forced her eyes shut tighter.
Then there was a screaming pain, and a steaming warmth falling down her head and shoulders.
A clicking of hooves across the bare floor. A clinking and rustling of garments.
“I might as well leave this with you.” The softest tap of a lamp placed onto a hook. And a thump and click-click as the door closed and locked.
At last Fluttershy opened her eyes. The room was empty again, save for the magic lamp and the two bowls. She raised a hoof to her throbbing ear and found a cascade of blood streaming from it. No bandages, no scrap of cloth around. Fluttershy gently pressed a thick lock from her tail up to the wound to soak up the blood until it could close.
Indistinct aches and soreness all over.
A bruise on her left side.
Searing sores along the outside corner of each eye.
A bruise over the whole length of her throat.
New bruises on her right side, her knees and elbows.
And a puncture, clear through the side of her left ear.
Fluttershy shivered.
Damn it, Sombra! You're a bigger creep than I thought. I really want him to get his comeuppance. And poor Flutters, I'm sure Discord is concocting a plan to storm the Legion of Doom and rescue his dear friend.
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Let me tell you, I hated writing this! I feel bad for making Fluttershy suffer, but I think Sombra's one day going to regret his behavior. Anyway, thanks for the read!
9770049 One day? I hope so. I want to tear Sombra apart!!!
.....pretty sure Sombra would make a great speed bag.
Remember what I said about two words that sound similar standing close to each other? The same goes if it's the same word. It sounds awkward, so you should avoid that. Additionally, here, you should mention that the eyes look around. Right now, it's impossible to tell if the eyes look around of if you wrote down where exactly several pairs of eyes opened. Better: "Left and right, up and down, the eyes looked around. It was futile. There was no light anywhere."
The almost-echo? What's that? There can actually only be an echo or no echo. What you probably meant was a quiet or low echo, but you should write it down like that. An "almost-echo" does not exist.
That a bruise or wound is painful to touch is natural, it doesn't need an emphasis like "even" to get that point across. You mixed up the order here, too. It's nothing special or surprising that a touch of the bruise is painful, however, it would be something to get astounded by (in a bad sense) if it even hurts without touching it.
Pain without touching >>> Pain when touching
It greatly increases the tension to have Sombra trying to get under Fluttershy's skin like that. However, he already said that Discord disappeared because he showed to him that he will kill Fluttershy, before suggesting that Discord maybe never really loved her. Since he was already implying in his first sentence that Discord only fled because he loves Fluttershy, he contradicted himself and this makes his manipulation not very effective.
You can cut the first sentence entirely and start the second sentence with "He" and you will achieve the effect you were aiming for.
Sombra seems to have a desire to take care of Fluttershy well. To not just keep her alive, but also to spoil her with the things she likes most. Why? For his plan, it would be enough to make sure Fluttershy doesn't die, so why is he doing the effort? That's a peculiar behavior for a villain.
I'm not saying it's wrong that he reacts like that. But it's something that needs some explaining to not feel odd. With the right justification, it wil work.
This should be "poisonous". The word "poison" can be a noun or a verb, but never an adjective. An alternative word you could use is "toxic", although it sounds less elegant since it starts with the same two letters as "tongue".
Before you publish more chapters, I recommend to go over each one and look for the occurences of flaws similar to those who I highlighted and to fix them in the same way I fixed them here.
Overall, this story is an impressive display for the fact that it's your first story. It just needs a little fixing and a few touch-ups here and there, but it's already a very good story. I look forward to more!
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Hi there!
First of all, wow, thanks for all of the constructive criticism! I'm honored that my writing has so caught your attention. Second, I may be new to fanfiction, but I am by no means a new writer! I'm also a native English speaker who has spent a lot of time developing her written voice. Many of your critiques have to do with my word choices and sentence organization, but I assure you these decisions were made in accordance with my personal style, rather than out of inexperience with the medium.
That out of the way, I will take a little time to go through and address the comments you've left on each chapter. Thanks again for your meticulous eye!
9770803
Alright, here are my replies.
As Picasso supposedly said, "Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist." Following the rules of writing, the sentence I've written is not a sentence. There's no subject, and there's no verb. I think my non-sentence would be a problem if the point were to describe some external action or circumstance, but that was not my intent. Rather, I'm conveying a mental state, or perhaps a thought process, if you will. There was an implicit question: "Can I see?" Fluttershy looked in all directions and responded "No, I cannot see. There is no light anywhere." Since people tend not to think in complete, grammatically correct sentences, I wrote a non-sentence that condenses the explanation I just gave into a form more idiomatic to Fluttershy's stream-of-consciousness.
Classically-trained musician, here! I invented the phrase "almost-echo" to express a particular degree of resonance. In my experience, "almost-echos" certainly do exist! When I play my French horn in a small room, my sound does not echo, and when I play in a large room, it does. However, when I play in a room with hard walls, hard floors, and no furniture, my sound bounces around a lot. If that unfurnished room is large, the sound would certainly echo. If that room is small, there would be no echo, but I would distinctly hear the potential for the echo. Thus, when Fluttershy heard an "almost-echo", I was trying to express to readers exactly the nature of the room in which she found herself: small, but with lots of hard, sound-reflecting surfaces.
I did not mix up the word order. I placed the word "even" exactly where I did in order to distinguish how fresh that bruise is. An older bruise might hurt only if you press on it, but Fluttershy's bruise is so fresh than even a mere touch will cause it pain.
I'm just going to leave this one be. Sombra is supposed to be confusing and contradictory. Furthermore, he had induced his nightmare power on Fluttershy during the "display", so her memory of what transpired would have been tainted. If this explanation is unsatisfactory, bear with me; both of these elements come up again later in the story...
Again, I say: Hold your horses! This will come up later! It's ~foreshadowing~
I'll go ahead an admit my decision on this one is tenuous. I didn't want to use "poisonous" because Sombra's tongue isn't actually poisonous (or venomous, for that matter). It's supposed to be more of a metaphor. For understanding's sake, let me convert it to simile form: The sensation of his tongue on her face felt like a poison.
Looks like that's all for now! I really appreciate all your comments and care in critiquing my writing. Going forward, note that I often suspend grammatical perfection in order to describe a character's state of mind, or to put my readers in a particular state of mind. I know the rules I'm breaking and generally do not need correction on these points.
Thanks for your diligence, and I hope you enjoy the story as it unfolds!
Dang, Sombra, you creepy! Well done, though!