9529733 most likely, that's usually how these types of stories go, especially when you have racist RD and Shining. Either things get better or the xenophobes make up an excuse with no logic and herd mentality takes over
Honestly this story is going extremely differently from how Displaced stories normally go. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, quite the opposite. Splitting from the norm is a good thing, as it shows originality.
I’ve noted a few things I’ve seen wrong throughout my reading in earlier comments and I’d like to list them.
I’ve noticed OOC characters, mainly Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia, the foal Harvest Moon and the guards. All of the characters sans Harvest being highly xenophobic - more so than they usually are - with stupidity thrown into the mix with RD and the guards.
I’ve noticed the story going quite fast and lacking timescale or detail. Events happening one-after-another despite the time it would take between them (the only time I saw this wasn’t the case was with the message to the Princess). As for the speed of the story, we’re 5 chapters in and already the MC has Princess Celestia in their impromptu home. Normally this’d be sorta OK, but given the chapters are around 1k words it’s kinda disconcerting. Part of the reason being the lack of detail. Things just sorta happen, the detail lacking without any specifics.
The trauma on Harvest and the MC is quite lacking given the situations. The latter can somewhat be excused because you’ve shown their emotions are being nulled, but there should still be mention of freak outs, panic, or really anything as to what happened, their thoughts on the matter, etc. even if their emotions are nulled, their panic stemmed, there should still be mention and thoughts. As for Harvest, she’s way too clingy to the MC given they’re a stranger, the opposite is also true. The MC could be a caring individual, sure, but there are paternal responses appearing that should not be.
The majority of the problems are related to the characters and their actions and responses to events, basically. You need to work on that.
But other than all that, this is a great story and I can’t wait to see more.
Comment posted by Alternivity deleted Mar 26th, 2019
Cool thanks for the update
They are gonna think he has her under mind altering spell...aren’t they?
Rainbow is gonna get it
9529733
most likely, that's usually how these types of stories go, especially when you have racist RD and Shining. Either things get better or the xenophobes make up an excuse with no logic and herd mentality takes over
9529854
What specifically are you referring to with the guards' actions? Maybe I could fix the issue if I knew what was wrong.
Honestly this story is going extremely differently from how Displaced stories normally go. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, quite the opposite. Splitting from the norm is a good thing, as it shows originality.
I’ve noted a few things I’ve seen wrong throughout my reading in earlier comments and I’d like to list them.
I’ve noticed OOC characters, mainly Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia, the foal Harvest Moon and the guards. All of the characters sans Harvest being highly xenophobic - more so than they usually are - with stupidity thrown into the mix with RD and the guards.
I’ve noticed the story going quite fast and lacking timescale or detail. Events happening one-after-another despite the time it would take between them (the only time I saw this wasn’t the case was with the message to the Princess). As for the speed of the story, we’re 5 chapters in and already the MC has Princess Celestia in their impromptu home. Normally this’d be sorta OK, but given the chapters are around 1k words it’s kinda disconcerting. Part of the reason being the lack of detail. Things just sorta happen, the detail lacking without any specifics.
The trauma on Harvest and the MC is quite lacking given the situations. The latter can somewhat be excused because you’ve shown their emotions are being nulled, but there should still be mention of freak outs, panic, or really anything as to what happened, their thoughts on the matter, etc. even if their emotions are nulled, their panic stemmed, there should still be mention and thoughts. As for Harvest, she’s way too clingy to the MC given they’re a stranger, the opposite is also true. The MC could be a caring individual, sure, but there are paternal responses appearing that should not be.
The majority of the problems are related to the characters and their actions and responses to events, basically. You need to work on that.
But other than all that, this is a great story and I can’t wait to see more.
9529758
I concur.
9529733
I would assume so.
But author you are doing a wonderful job. Keep up the great work.
MOAR!
Excellent work.