Apogee has dreams. Strange dreams. Tag along as the cute little filly works her way through a bevy of sexual dreams that would make Freud throw up his hands in defeat!
“As I was saying - you’ll notice right away that her marehood is smaller and plumper: as you age and give birth[,] things will tend to shift about. But every filly is different, so don’t worry if yours looks bigger or smaller. Let the colts worry about their size - not something you’ve got to worry about Mr. Jet Stream.”
The weapon in her hand[hoof] made a small popping sound, and Apogee saw a strange set of barbs with gossamer wires stringing behind them fly toward her.
Apogee sat at her school desk, idly looking at the wall clock as it ticked menacingly. Strangely, the second hand never seemed to move - she seemed to be stuck in this classroom forever. Well, that wasn’t that unusual a feeling, to be honest.
He's afraid the wall clock is going to attack her? Odd wording. The whole opening paragraph could use a bit more work to set the scene. This feels like "writing deadline Cloppy" wrote it.
Apogee’s eyes shot wide and she blushed, she glanced about the class, catching the glances and chuckles of all of her classmates. This was a bit embarrassing: just whywas her dad here, anyway?
Fix why and was.
“Well class,” Kindnicker smiled. “I’ve invited this special guest to follow up on the health education class from last week. I know that some of you do learn in a much more practical demonstration sort of way.”
That's a rather truncated explanation.
“Wing Walker, that’s a weeks detention.”
Apostrophe.
“Well well Mr. Stream,
Missing comma.
“...and what you should notice immediately is-...
What I'm immediately noticing is this missing space between and the first set of ellipses and the redundant dash.
I do love this scenario you've created but you've rushed things. This should in all rights be getting a rise from me.
“As I was saying - you’ll notice right away that her marehood is smaller and plumper: as you age and give birth things will tend to shift about. But every filly is different, so don’t worry if yours looks bigger or smaller. Let the colts worry about their size - not something you’ve got to worry about Mr. Jet Stream.
This is a thought I'm having in the meta but it's a waste of time worrying about how long your dick is unless you're medically so small you can't engage in sexual intercourse. Concentrate on being a good person and stop judging yourself on the basis of pornography. I feel like a lot of guys do that and you can consider this my public service announcement for the coomers out there like me reading this.
“Mmm yes, she’s lubricating nicely a fragrance of boop-a-roops I notice.”
Her pussy smells like Froot Loops? That's fucking great!
“Shhh quiet hun, I’m gonna fuck you now, in front of all your friends. For educational purposes.” He whispered, nipping at her left ear.
They do look like they're begging for a nibble, don't they with all those adorable freckles covering them. I swear there isn't enough cock in all the known universe that doesn't deserve to be funneled through that gal.
“D-dad… I’m not on m-moon tea… y-you’re gonna make me… pregnant!”
“Good.” Jet huffed in her ear with a chuckle, another heavy spurt dolloping into her as he did so. “I’m gonna fill you up in front of the whole class.”
Kindnicker cleared her throat. “No talking from the subjects, please…
Again, I feel the need to point out this scenario is very hot but they're in a classroom which is public. There ought to me more of an effort to convey the reactions of the students. This is being sold as a fetish. It doesn't even have to be the predictable "HE'S FILLING HER WITH HER GIANT COCKMEAT SANDWICH LEL. NOW WE FUK TOO [ORGY [ORGY] [ORGY]" sort of discourse. In fact, going by the themes of the first chapter, I'm expecting you to play up the surreality of the dream and have the students react in completely innappropriate and fucked up ways. That's the shot for a scene like this.
They could react with total innocence like it's an episode of Andy Griffith, telling Apogee how lucky she is to have such a loving father, detailing the percieved shortcomings of their own parents.
You could go the dark-loving 4channer route and have foals from the crowd start poking and prodding her like a science experiment whilst describing in detail her shortcomings to build on the embarrassment angle.
They could be lustily cheering for her to be executed by her own father's wang, laughing at her discomfort like she's going to the gallows while they cheer her father on. Have the teacher join in and have her thank Jet for the gracing the classroom with his refined disciplinary techniques. Think "give us Barabbas!" from the Bible.
Jet could alternatively pass on Apogee at the last moment or do her quickly and start selecting random fillies from the crowd, asking them mundane details about themselves like their hobbies and cutie marks - their grades in school - before fucking the mess out of them too - all while Kindnicker cheerfully announces they've all been blessed with the gift of new life.
So many ways to execute this scene with the help of the crowd. I can't hope to get through them all.
The door burst open and Officer Copper Top, the school police liaison raced in, with a weapon in hand. “Down on the floor everypony! This little den of debauchery is under arrest!”
This is interesting! Too bad the chapter is almost over.
The weapon in her hand made a small popping sound, and Apogee saw a strange set of barbs with gossamer wires stringing behind them fly toward her.
“TASER TASER TASER!” Copper Top shouted.
Apogee opened her mouth to say something. But then all she knew was pain. Her vision flashed white, and she knew no more.
Not only did this chapter end on a dark note which I normally don't cotton to, you didn't fully commit to the darkness. That's a real shame. You did better in the first story you ever wrote at conveying sex as a means of humiliation.
Staircase wit edit: I'll give you credit in that having the police showing up at the end does get into her head and show that she's aware what she is doing is morally wrong (albeit with insufficient worldbuilding on the part of your universe to back up this assertion) which is a nice bit of character development.
10440434 This is definitely Cloppy writing at mach speed and not chasing down every rabbit-hole that pops up. This was a bit of the point of this particular anthology: I was trying to see if I could get back to writing short clopfics. I have since given up on that notion entirely.
I will note that this particular chapter wasn't supposed to be dark, just public. You're right that I could have spent a little more time heightening the public side of that fetish fuel.
Again, of all my stories I probably have the least fond feelings about this one.
Some random shrink: interesting. This story seems to portray two different mentalities warring eachother within her psyche. On one hand, she wishes to tell her friends about her love for her father's hot dong stuffed inside her f***-tunnel. On the other hand, the cops represent her fear of being rejected because of said daddy-lovin'. It's human(/pony) nature to feel mixed emotions about extra special sexual kinks, like gettin' daddy's hot beef injection. Thus I think that Apogee is a well-adjusted filly, and should be encouraged to do daddy's doodle all night long, as long as she has a safe way of enjoying his long slong all night long. She can play with mine, too.
why was
Uh... as the din did what?
short?
9441499
We don't need Grammar-Nazis here.
Man...If this is what she dreams of, what the hell kind of things are going on while she's awake?
9442540
Nah it's actually very welcome!!!
Grammar is a super great way to make sure your ideas are communicated clearly!
I appreciate your support, but I always welcome edits and corrections! Bahamut provides an invaluable service!
Thanks for your defense though, I'm sure it was well meant!
HALT!
Ze Grammar Nazi Group has spotted a mistake!
=======•=======G=======•=======
=======•=======G=======•=======
HAIL GRAMMAR!
TASER TASER TASER
He's afraid the wall clock is going to attack her? Odd wording. The whole opening paragraph could use a bit more work to set the scene. This feels like "writing deadline Cloppy" wrote it.
Fix why and was.
That's a rather truncated explanation.
Apostrophe.
Missing comma.
What I'm immediately noticing is this missing space between and the first set of ellipses and the redundant dash.
I do love this scenario you've created but you've rushed things. This should in all rights be getting a rise from me.
This is a thought I'm having in the meta but it's a waste of time worrying about how long your dick is unless you're medically so small you can't engage in sexual intercourse. Concentrate on being a good person and stop judging yourself on the basis of pornography. I feel like a lot of guys do that and you can consider this my public service announcement for the coomers out there like me reading this.
Her pussy smells like Froot Loops? That's fucking great!
They do look like they're begging for a nibble, don't they with all those adorable freckles covering them. I swear there isn't enough cock in all the known universe that doesn't deserve to be funneled through that gal.
static.miraheze.org/thefinalrumblewiki/c/c8/Joshuagraham.png
Gap.
Again, I feel the need to point out this scenario is very hot but they're in a classroom which is public. There ought to me more of an effort to convey the reactions of the students. This is being sold as a fetish. It doesn't even have to be the predictable "HE'S FILLING HER WITH HER GIANT COCKMEAT SANDWICH LEL. NOW WE FUK TOO [ORGY [ORGY] [ORGY]" sort of discourse. In fact, going by the themes of the first chapter, I'm expecting you to play up the surreality of the dream and have the students react in completely innappropriate and fucked up ways. That's the shot for a scene like this.
They could react with total innocence like it's an episode of Andy Griffith, telling Apogee how lucky she is to have such a loving father, detailing the percieved shortcomings of their own parents.
You could go the dark-loving 4channer route and have foals from the crowd start poking and prodding her like a science experiment whilst describing in detail her shortcomings to build on the embarrassment angle.
They could be lustily cheering for her to be executed by her own father's wang, laughing at her discomfort like she's going to the gallows while they cheer her father on. Have the teacher join in and have her thank Jet for the gracing the classroom with his refined disciplinary techniques. Think "give us Barabbas!" from the Bible.
Jet could alternatively pass on Apogee at the last moment or do her quickly and start selecting random fillies from the crowd, asking them mundane details about themselves like their hobbies and cutie marks - their grades in school - before fucking the mess out of them too - all while Kindnicker cheerfully announces they've all been blessed with the gift of new life.
So many ways to execute this scene with the help of the crowd. I can't hope to get through them all.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2019/10/20/2174824.jpeg
This is interesting! Too bad the chapter is almost over.
Not only did this chapter end on a dark note which I normally don't cotton to, you didn't fully commit to the darkness. That's a real shame. You did better in the first story you ever wrote at conveying sex as a means of humiliation.
Staircase wit edit: I'll give you credit in that having the police showing up at the end does get into her head and show that she's aware what she is doing is morally wrong (albeit with insufficient worldbuilding on the part of your universe to back up this assertion) which is a nice bit of character development.
10440434
This is definitely Cloppy writing at mach speed and not chasing down every rabbit-hole that pops up. This was a bit of the point of this particular anthology: I was trying to see if I could get back to writing short clopfics. I have since given up on that notion entirely.
I will note that this particular chapter wasn't supposed to be dark, just public. You're right that I could have spent a little more time heightening the public side of that fetish fuel.
Again, of all my stories I probably have the least fond feelings about this one.
There really should be an apostrophe there: "week's".
Hail Grammar!
gijobs.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/SALUTE.jpg
Some random shrink: interesting. This story seems to portray two different mentalities warring eachother within her psyche. On one hand, she wishes to tell her friends about her love for her father's hot dong stuffed inside her f***-tunnel. On the other hand, the cops represent her fear of being rejected because of said daddy-lovin'. It's human(/pony) nature to feel mixed emotions about extra special sexual kinks, like gettin' daddy's hot beef injection. Thus I think that Apogee is a well-adjusted filly, and should be encouraged to do daddy's doodle all night long, as long as she has a safe way of enjoying his long slong all night long. She can play with mine, too.
10649678
Lol, think you were the only person who has actually done the analysis... And it's brilliant! Thank you!
10651076
Nope, just thought I'd jump on the train, anyway. Who knows, I might just make someone lol. Know anyone who's loled from that comment?