Apogee has dreams. Strange dreams. Tag along as the cute little filly works her way through a bevy of sexual dreams that would make Freud throw up his hands in defeat!
I don't know anything about SunnyDon'tLook. Hope he/she does well.
Apogee opened her eyes and stared at the sight before her. She’d been having the strangest dream: re-entries, cakes, sausages, her parents actually getting along. It was all so improbable. She yawned and stretched her arms, trying to take stock of just where she was.
Pretty solid opener.
“Y-yeah, s-sure,” Apogee stuttered out as she leaned forward and ran her tongue up his heavy balls and onto his sheath. He moaned loudly, and pressed his hoof against Apogee’s head, gently toying with her ears as she licked up his shaft.
I like the cut of your jib, Sunny. I may have to check out this dude's stories page.
Apogee climbed up his body and lined her pussy up with his cock, before sliding down and enjoying the sensations of being stretched out.
Incongruous narration. She's already said his girth left much to be desired. Why would he be stretching her out after having 1000 miles worth of Jet's cock ran through her? The sentence feels kinda lazily written too. I'm not getting a visual of the action so much as a recap.
She grasped daisy
Missing capitalization.
and pulled the moaning friend closer to her
This sentence is a perfect example of "should have erased and started over". The natural way of starting this clipped phrase is, "and pulled her moaning friend" but Sunny couldn't do that because of the second 'her' after to - that would have stalled out the flow of the sentence.
The kiss that they shared was deep and sloppy, as the two horny fillies writhed from the pleasure they were taking from the boy beneath them.
Tell. Also, we're calling them "boys" now? I mean that's not the worst thing in the world - I wouldn't be surprised if the word is used in MLP itself - but Cloppy never uses the word boy so it stands out in a bad way.
That nearly set her off right there
I'm invoking the slaughter rule on this chapter and calling this a loss. Shame, it started off pretty solid. I dunno what went wrong but I hope Sunny is writing better stuff in 2020.
Daisy
Apogee
was as
9441535
even if others don't. i appreciate the fixes
Fairly short. Would have loved the Diz X Sidewinder scene to be a bit longer. Still pretty sexy, however.
The sudden ends can be jarring, but I also understand their purpose.
I don't know anything about SunnyDon'tLook. Hope he/she does well.
Pretty solid opener.
I like the cut of your jib, Sunny. I may have to check out this dude's stories page.
Incongruous narration. She's already said his girth left much to be desired. Why would he be stretching her out after having 1000 miles worth of Jet's cock ran through her? The sentence feels kinda lazily written too. I'm not getting a visual of the action so much as a recap.
Missing capitalization.
This sentence is a perfect example of "should have erased and started over". The natural way of starting this clipped phrase is, "and pulled her moaning friend" but Sunny couldn't do that because of the second 'her' after to - that would have stalled out the flow of the sentence.
Tell. Also, we're calling them "boys" now? I mean that's not the worst thing in the world - I wouldn't be surprised if the word is used in MLP itself - but Cloppy never uses the word boy so it stands out in a bad way.
I'm invoking the slaughter rule on this chapter and calling this a loss. Shame, it started off pretty solid. I dunno what went wrong but I hope Sunny is writing better stuff in 2020.