The Inane Adventures of Hazelnut Latte

by Porcelain Mug

Chapter 1: Single Parenthood (Sort Of)

Chapter 1: Single Parenthood (Sort Of)

"WAKE UP, HAZEL!"

Before Hazelnut Latte could identify the voice, something jumped on her, waking her up and knocking the wind out of her at the same time. She flailed, got tangled in her sheets, and fell out of bed. Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, the mare looked up to see the blurry form of a young unicorn filly on her bed. The filly had a creamy mint-green coat, a butter-hued yellow mane, and emerald green eyes. Hazelnut Latte began to untangle herself from her sheets as she said, "I told you not to wake me up like that, Cocoa Jinx."

Cocoa Jinx cocked her head slightly before looking at the older mare with a sheepish expression. "Sorry, Hazel. The alarm clock went off and you threw it against the wall and broke it again."

"The alarm clo-" Hazelnut Latte's eyes widened. "Oh, crap! What time is it? I have to get you to school! Then I have to get to work!"

Cocoa Jinx giggled. "Hazel, it's Saturday, remember? I can go to work with you on Saturday!"

Hazelnut Latte grinned sheepishly and said, "Right. As your legal guardian/borderline-dysfunctional parental figure, I have to make sure that you stay out of trouble today. It's a good thing that Matcha Bliss understands."

"All right!" Cocoa Jinx said happily. "Let's make tea! I've never made tea before. Do you think I could get a Cutie Mark in tea-making?"

Hazelnut Latte couldn't help but smile a little. For all of her efforts, Cocoa Jinx's flank remained blank. The poor filly looked forward to getting her Cutie Mark so much. These things took time, of course. Most of the ten-year-olds in Equestria were starting to get their Cutie Marks and most had gotten them by eleven. Hazelnut Latte herself had been a late bloomer. She hadn't gotten her own Cutie Mark until she was twelve, almost thirteen. Adolescence had been awkward. Bad haircuts, class differences at Lacy Ruffles' School For Fillies, braces, coming to terms with the fact that her special talent was hot beverages and that there was a 90% chance that she would become a barista, finding glasses that didn't make her look like a complete geek, and not to mention the whole matter of figuring out her sexuality... all were just part of the teenage experience of Hazelnut Latte. Hazelnut latte's horn glowed with a blue aura as she brought her black-framed hipster glasses to her face. She could see everything much clearer now. Some ponies questioned why she didn't just get contact lenses like a few other ponies in town- that's right, you're not fooling anypony, Rarity. Hazelnut latte looked at Cocoa Jinx and asked, "Did you brush your teeth?"

Cocoa Jinx grinned broadly, revealing her clean, white teeth. "Minty fresh!" she exclaimed.

"Good." Hazelnut Latte nodded her approval. "That means I'll have to do the same."

Hazelnut Latte headed to the bathroom. Using her magic, she applied some toothpaste to her toothbrush and began brushing her teeth. As she brushed her teeth, she looked at herself in the mirror. Staring back at her was a unicorn mare with sapphire blue eyes, a caramel colored coat, and an extremely curly, chocolate brown mane and tail. Once she was done brushing her teeth, she took some mouthwash, swished it around in her mouth, and spat it out. Then, she rinsed her toothbrush and placed it in the cup where it usually was. Next came taming her unruly mane into some semblance of order. It was time for the straightening iron. As she tended to her mane and tail, Hazelnut latte wished- not for the first time- that she had her mother's straight hair. Her mother had been a unicorn from Prance and her father was an earth pony from Jamaneca. He was the one Hazelnut Latte got her curls from. With the exception of one sister, all of her siblings had straight hair. Some days, Hazelnut Latte loved her curls. Other days, she hated them. They could certainly be a nuisance sometimes because there was just so much of them. The unicorn mare sighed and turned her straightening iron off before setting it on a heat-protected surface. Then came a little spritz of something to keep her mane and tail straight and she was ready to go. She headed to the little kitchen in her two-bedroom apartment. When she arrived, she saw that Cocoa Jinx was already making pancakes, though the filly had to use a stool to reach the stove. Hazelnut Latte smiled and said, "I seel that my little Scion of Chaos is making breakfast."

"That's Avatar of Entropy to you!" Cocoa Jinx lightheartedly corrected her sister. "Besides, I wasn't the one who invented Mayhem Mocha to keep that Draconequus from deliberately causing trouble at your work."

"Anarchy Latte." Hazelnut Latte corrected. "Extra foam, two shots espresso, one drop of chaos extract. The taste changes every ten seconds, but it always tastes somewhat of coffee. Surprisingly popular off-menu item. Besides, it worked. Now he only comes in for coffee."

"What about the obvious unresolved romantic tension between him and-" Cocoa Jinx tried to ask before she noticed that the pancake needed turning. She flipped it and continued, "Anyway, the romantic tension between Discord and you-know-who is thicker than an overfrozen Frost Latte."

Hazelnut Latte waved a hoof dismissively. "You're imagining things, Cocoa Jinx. The two of them are friends- nothing more."

"But Hazel-" Cocoa Jinx tried to say, but she was interrupted by her guardian.

"Nothing more!" Hazelnut Latte said with a frown.

"Don't deny it." Cocoa Jinx huffed as she transferred a pancake to a plate. "You ship them, too."

"It's against regulations to ship customers." Hazelnut Latte explained. "I told you about the Great Explosion of '04."

The Great Explosion of '04 happened before Hazelnut Latte's time at Cuppa Joe's. Back in '04, a unicorn mare named Pink Button and a unicorn stallion named Purple Head were attracted to each other and employees at a Cuppa Joe's location in Detrot shipped them. The intensity of Purple Head and Pink Button's ultimate passion and the overwhelming power of the shipping combined to create a powerful explosion that leveled ten square blocks of downtown Detrot. At least a dozen ponies were seriously injured and Purple Head and Pink Button were arrested for engaging in, ahem, adult activities in public.

Cocoa Jinx nodded as she put some more pancake batter on the skillet to make more pancakes. A few minutes later, the two of them each had a decently sized plate full of pancakes. Hazelnut Latte put both of her hooves together and bowed her head. "It's time to say grace."

"GRACE!" Cocoa Jinx shouted before shoveling a forkful of syrup-drenched pancake into her mouth.

Hazelnut Latte reached over to ruffle the filly's mane with her hoof and said, "That's my girl!"

"Hazel!" Cocoa Jinx protested, ducking the mare's hoof before returning to her pancakes.

The two of them ate in pleasant, comfortable silence for a while before Cocoa Jinx spoke up again. "Hazel?"

"What is it, Cocoa Jinx?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

It was then that Cocoa Jinx asked one of the questions that Hazelnut Latte had absolutely been dreading. "When is Dad coming back?"

Hazelnut Latte's stomach fell and suddenly she wasn't so hungry anymore. Why did it have to be this question? Why couldn't she be like a normal child and ask where foals came from? Oh, wait. She already knew. Hazelnut Latte had already had that conversation with her. The blue-eyed mare smiled at the younger unicorn and said, "He's just on vacation, Cocoa Jinx. I'm sure that it won't be long before he comes back."

The truth was that their father, Coconut Charm, probably wasn't ever coming back. After their mother, Sparkling Bubbles, had died, Coconut Charm decided that he didn't want to be a single father. Hazelnut Latte and her twin sister were twenty at the time, but her younger brother, Fizzy Pop, was thirteen and Cocoa Jinx was only four. He ran off to 'find himself' and left his minor children alone. By some miracle, Hazelnut Latte managed to get custody and legal guardianship over her younger siblings. The last time Hazelnut Latte had seen Coconut Charm, she was on vacation with the then-seven Cocoa Jinx after winning a two-week trip to Scoltland. Fizzy Pop was spending the summer with their maternal grandparents, Grand-père Golden Bubbles and Grand-mère Chardonnay in Prance.

It turned out that Coconut Charm had married a Scoltish mare named Oat Biscuit and they had an eighteen-month-old daughter named Coconut Macaroon. He told Hazelnut Latte to stop looking for him and 'just let him be happy'. She never told Cocoa Jinx about it, even when they got home. Fizzy Pop came home fairly fluent in Prench and both sad and relieved to be free of his grandparents. Hazelnut Latte hadn't told him, either. She did tell her twin sister because she couldn't keep a secret from her own twin. Thankfully, her twin hadn't told anyone. Neither Fizzy Pop nor Cocoa Jinx was any the wiser.

Whatever. She didn't need him. She had raised an awkward colt into a lightly less awkward stallion and was currently doing a decent job raising a spirited young filly. She was rocking the single parent game! Hazelnut Latte decided to change the subject. "These are good pancakes, kiddo."

"Thanks!" Cocoa Jinx beamed. "Dinky Doo taught me! I mean, they're not as good as her mom's pancakes. I don't think anyone else's are."

"Yep, that Ditzy Doo sure knows her way around the kitchen." Hazelnut Latte agreed. "I'm not sure I'd trust her around a gas range, though."

"Why do they call Miss Doo 'Derpy'?" Cocoa Jinx asked.

Hazelnut Latte shrugged. "From what I heard, it was a school nickname. Something to do with a substitute teacher with really bad handwriting. I didn't grow up around here, so I wouldn't know."

Cocoa Jinx nodded. "Ponyville is way different than San Franciscolt. The mares here are so far in the closet that they're finding presents from ten years ago."

"Cocoa Jinx!" Hazelnut Latte tried to admonish her younger sister, but failed to contain a laugh. She cleared her throat and explained, "Small towns can be..." She threw her front hooves into the air. "You know what? I give up. Yes, small towns can be backwards, but Ponyville does have its charms. It's not a bad place to live, even if Bookburner-"

"Reverend Bookbinder." Cocoa Jinx corrected.

"-Reverend Bookburner tries to keep the town 'pure' and annoy half the populace while he's at it." Hazelnut Latte said. "Need I remind you what happened when Paige Turner's bookstore featured Saucy Scarlet's best-selling memoir, Confessions of a Drag Pony?"

Cocoa Jinx frowned. "He made Paige cry."

"She still sold the book, though. It sold damn well, too!" Hazelnut Latte said with a smile. "Do you know why she didn't let Bookburner stop her?"

"Because he's a dumb fuddy-duddy who needs to get a fucking life?" Cocoa Jinx questioned.

"Cocoa Jinx!" Hazelnut Latte admonished. "What did I say to you about swearing?"

"That I can swear all I want when I'm twelve because I already know all the words." Cocoa Jinx sighed. "And that I can only swear at home and can't swear in public until I'm sixteen."

"Too fucking right." Hazelnut Latte nodded. "Anyway, let's finish breakfast real quick and if we make it in time, I'll show you how the espresso machine works."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The bell at the door rang, signalling the arrival of the first customer. Hazelnut Latte, wearing her hat and apron uniform, smiled when the customer walked up to the counter. "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's!" she greeted. "What can I get you?"

The purple alicorn stared blarily at the brown mare. She had bags under her violet eyes and looked like she had been up all night, most likely reading. "I'll have a-" She paused to yawn. "a triple shot espresso and one of those poppy seed pastries that Morning Baker makes."

"Got it. Triple shot espresso and a poppy seed pastry." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Anything else?"

"No, that's it." Twilight Sparkle said, once again trying to cover a yawn.

"All right." Hazelnut Latte said. "Take a seat and I'll call your name when it's ready, miss..."

"Twilight Sparkle." the alicorn replied, not amused at the unicorn pretending not to know her name.

"Got it" Hazelnut Latte replied.

She watched Twilight sit down and got straight to work. The barista pony proved herself to be a master of her craft as she used the beautifully enameled machine to create a truly masterful triple shot espresso. She then retrieved a pastry, which she wrapped in paper and set on the counter next to the hot drink. "Your drink is ready!"

The cup had 'Twileet Sporkle' written on it. "Twilight Sparkle!" the alicorn groaned. "My name is Twilight Sparkle and you know it! Why do you keep getting ponies' names wrong? Oh, and how much do I owe you?"

"As per Cuppa Joe's regulations, I have to get at least one in three ponies' names wrong. Six bits for the coffee, four bits for the pastry." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Combine that with the going sales tax rate, that'll be eleven bits."

Twilight paid for her food and drink. She begrudgingly placed a few bits in the tip jar before picking her pastry and hot beverage up with her magic and heading over to a table to eat. As the sun rose over the horizon, the light shined through the window, hitting the alicorn directly in the face. The lavender mare brought her hooves up to shield her eyes from the light and let out a dramatic hiss, as if the sun was burning her. Cocoa Jinx, who was at another table doing her Prench homework, simply rolled her eyes.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was 8:30 AM and things were a bit slow. Most of her business was on week days, when ponies needed their pick-me-up before work. Not all were like that, though. One of her regulars usually showed up on weekend mornings when it was a bit quieter. The butter-yellow pegasus peeked out from behind her light pink forelocks. In a soft, almost timid voice, she said, "Um, I'd, ah, like two Anarchy Lattes. If that's not too much trouble."

Hazelnut Latte smiled reassuringly and said, "It's never too much trouble for one of my favorite customers, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy offered the unicorn a shy smile as she waited for the drinks. Two shots espresso, extra foam, one drop of chaos extract, and done. Hazelnut Latte set the drinks on the counter. One was labeled 'Butterscotch' and the other was labeled 'Discode'. Yeah, she had seen the Draconequus lurking at a table in the shop. "Eight bits apiece?" Fluttershy questioned, a slight smile on her face at the unicorn's deliberate antics.

"Eight bits for the first one and the second one is on the house." Hazelnut Latte said with a grin. "You've been here every Saturday and every Sunday for the past six months. I figure you deserve it."

Fluttershy let out a soft 'eep' and looked away. She took eight bits out and, just to be fair, put eight bits in the tip jar. Using one hoof to carry the tray of hot beverages, the butter-colored pegasus made her way over to the table where Discord was sitting. She slid the Anarchy Latte over to her friend before sitting down to enjoy her own latte and the company of the reformed but still very chaotic Draconequus. "Good morning, Discord." Fluttershy said with a smile.

"Good morning to you too, Fluttershy." Discord replied with a dramatic wave of his hand. He then took a sip of the coffee.

"Twilight says you haven't been making too much trouble this week." the pegasus said. "Well, not the dangerous kind. I know that you wouldn't do that."

"Dangerous? Moi?" Discord put his clawed hand on his chest, looking thoroughly scandalized.

"I told her that you weren't dangerous anymore." Fluttershy looked away, seemingly ashamed. "I shouldn't have raised my voice."

"Why dear Fluttershy, sometimes one must put their hoof down." Discord grinned. "Sometimes it's nice to change things up a bit."

Fluttershy hid behind her forelocks to hide the fact that she was blushing. Discord waved his hands, moving them expressively as he spoke. "I've noticed that you've been a bit distracted lately."

Fluttershy peeked out from behind her bangs and said, "Pretty Boy asked me out."

Discord scowled and took a sip of his coffee once more. He then looked at his friend and said, "I don't trust that stallion. His motives aren't pure. I know stallions and they want only one thing."

"What about you?" Fluttershy asked with one of her rare cheeky smiles.

"My dear, I am not a stallion. I am a Draconequus. I assure you, my intentions are pure." Discord replied, placing his lion's paw on his chest.

"Of course they are." Fluttershy smiled at Discord and said, "You are my best friend, after all."

In a low, gentle voice, Discord said, "You, dear Fluttershy, are assuredly my very best friend."

The pegasus and the Draconequus' eyes both met as they stared deeply into each other's eyes before quickly turning away and awkwardly sipping their drinks. Their eyes would meet periodically, but their gaze rarely locked for long.

Hazelnut Latte, who had been watching the whole thing, turned to look at her sister. With a knowing smile on her face, Cocoa Jinx silently mouthed, "Ship."

ooooooooooooooooo

It was 8:00 AM and more regulars were trickling in. A familiar pink pony whom Hazelnut Latte had never been able to shake entered the building. She bounced over to the counter and, in her typical high-pitched voice, said, "I'd like a Mocha Frosty Latte!"

With an amused expression on her face, Hazelnut Latte said, "Let me guess: decaf, just like last time?"

"Yeppers!" Pinkie Pie replied. "Applejack says that I don't need more caffeine!"

"Well, far be it from me to argue with Applejack." Hazelnut Latte smiled wryly.

"She's honest to the core!" Pinkie Pie said with a broad, almost manic grin. She slid five bits onto the counter and dropped two bits into the tip jar.

Meanwhile, Hazelnut Latte prepared the decaf Mocha Frosty Latte. When she was done, she gave it to the excitable earth pony. "Thank you!" Pinkie Pie chirped before bouncing away.

Hazelnut Latte shook her head. She would never understand that mare.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was 11 AM when a one of her other regulars arrived. She was an orange earth pony with a blonde mane. She had a white-coated unicorn with an immaculately coiffed mane with her. "I mean, if you were to take better care of your mane, surely more stallions would persue you!"

Applejack rolled her eyes and said, "I got plenty a' problems, but a stallion ain't one."

"I'm just saying, it's an option." Rarity huffed.

When the two arrived at the counter, Rarity turned to look at Hazelnut Latte. Their eyes met and the white unicorn seemed to be at loss for words. "I, uh..." she tried to say, but her words wouldn't come out.

Hazelnut Latte could see Rarity's contact lenses this close. She seemed to be trying to look anywhere but at the barista. A bit puzzled by this, Hazelnut Latte nonetheless greeted her. "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's! What can I get for you?"

"I..." Rarity still wouldn't look at Hazelnut Latte.

Applejack rolled her eyes and said, "I'll have a cop a' coffee, black, and she'll have one of those cafey olay thingies."

"One black coffee and one Cafe Au Lait, coming right up!" Hazelnut Latte said with a grin. "Hold on tight and I'll have your order to you in no time!"

As was typical, Hazelnut Latte managed to balance speed and quality. A few minutes later, she returned with a cup of black coffee and a Cafe Au Lait. Rarity smiled at the barista before quickly looking away. Applejack rolled her eyes again and placed the appropriate number of bits on the counter. She put a few bits in the tip jar for good, prompt service before heading after Rarity to sit next to her. The conversation was too quiet for Hazelnut Latte to hear.

"Nice job, Rarity." Applejack said with a smile.

"What sort of thing did I no doubt preform excellently this time?" Rarity asked, using her magic to lift her coffee up to her lips.

"Ya did a good job at almost talkin' to the cute barista, for the twentieth time in a row." Applejack replied teasingly.

"I'll get around to it!" Rarity huffed.

"You've been saying that for the past five months." Applejack pointed out.

"Besides, even if I were interested in Hazel, I'm sure that finding the right stallion would sort me out!" Rarity said with a frown.

Applejack's mouth curled into a smirk resembling that of a cat who had gobbled down a particularly juicy canary. "You just called her Hazel."

"It means nothing!" Rarity protested.

"You like her." Applejack still had that shit-eating grin on her face.

"I like stallions!" Rarity insisted.

Applejack rolled her eyes. She remembered back when she tried to tell herself that. Now she spent most of her Saturday nights having fun at Ponyville's only 'mares only' bar, Silk & Feathers. It was run by a half-zebra, half-pegasus mare named Onda Rocks. Onda was a mare's mare, if you know what that implied. So were all of the patrons, including Applejack. It was a secret that the farmer kept well-hidden from the rest of Ponyville, including her friends. In Silk & Feathers, everyone knew her as Jaqueline. "Ya can just keep tellin' yerself that, Rarity." Applejack replied with an understanding smile.

"I'm not into mares like that." Rarity said, sounding ever so slightly desperate. "Really, I'm not."

Applejack placed a comforting hoof on Rarity's. "Trust me, Rarity. Ya ain't the first mare ta question her sexuality. If yer inta mares, I don't have a problem with that. If you want ta keep quiet about it, you don't have to worry 'bout me tellin' nopony."

Rarity's look got even more desperate. Applejack smiled reassuringly at her and said, "If ya do start questionin', I won't push ya. Sometimes it's somethin' you need to figure out on your own."

Rarity smiled at her honest friend. "I can always count on you when it comes to these things, Applejack."

Rarity took one last glance at Hazelnut Latte before returning her attention to her Cafe Au Lait. Cocoa Jinx, who had been watching the whole thing, glanced at her sister and then at Rarity. She hid her smile behind her mane as she returned her attention to her Prench homework. Under her breath, the filly whispered, "Ship."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was 11:15 when another regular came in. She was a cyan pegasus with a multicolored mane and a look of mischief about her. Hazelnut Latte smiled at her and said, "Welcome to Cuppa Joe's! What can I get for you?"

"Hey, Hazel!" Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash." Hazelnut Latte replied. "What can I get for you?"

"I'll have tea, hot." the pegasus replied. "Earl Grey with just a splash of milk."

Rarity and Applejack, who had just finished their conversation, turned to look at Rainbow Dash in shock. Somehow sensing their gaze, the cyan pegasus turned to look at her friends. "What?" she said, hoofs on her hips.

"It's just..." Rarity said, rather puzzled. "I don't understand."

"Just because I'm an athlete doesn't mean that I can't like tea!" Rainbow Dash huffed.

"It's just that tea is so sophisticated." Rarity said, "And you're, well... you."

"I can be sophisticated!" Rainbow Dash said. "I can be way sophisticated!"

"You can't even remember which fork to use!" Rarity retorted.

Their argument took a few minutes until an amused Hazelnut Latte spoke up. "Rainbow Dash, your sophisticated tea is ready."

Rainbow Dash glared at Rarity as she paid for her drink. The pegasus then headed over to the other side of the coffee shop to enjoy her tea. She could be sophisticated. She could totally be sophisticated! She could be the most sophisticated mare Rarity had ever seen! Besides, it was stupid to have that many forks for one meal.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was 2 PM and it was time for Hazelnut Latte to head home. She would be switching places with another employee of this particular Cuppa Joe's location. Her name was Lemongrass and she could make an amazing cup of tea, but she wasn't as good at coffee as Hazelnut Latte. Still, the lemon-yellow pegasus with the green, braided mane could make very good coffee.

Hazelnut Latte put her uniform in her locker before heading back in to retrieve her sister. "Come on, Cocoa Jinx. Let's head home. Since you've been so patient, I'll teach you how to make tea."

"I was just finishing my Prench homework anyway." Cocoa Jinx said as she packed her homework into a saddle bag.

"Well, homeward we go!" Hazelnut Latte said with a grin.

A few blocks away from Cuppa Joe's, Discord and Fluttershy were by Paige Turner's bookstore, Paige's Ponyville Pages. The pegasus and the Draconequus were making covert, almost subtle goo-goo eyes at each other when they thought that the other wasn't looking. Suddenly, a familiar voice ripped through the tranquility of the afternoon. "Heathens!" a white earth pony stallion with a curly, grey mane spoke up. He had a black and white collar on. "How dare you sully these streets with your unnatural association!"

Discord let out a groan of annoyance and Fluttershy let out a dismayed sigh. "Bookburner." the Draconequus grumbled under his breath.

"Um," Fluttershy said softly, "Reverend Bookbinder, we weren't trying to be in the way. We were just heading into the bookstore to buy a cookbook."

"If you do not leave this creature, your union will bring no good to this place!" Reverend Bookbinder continued. "Deity forbid that his monstrous seed takes root in your womb!"

Discord and Fluttershy turned red and tried to look anywhere but at each other. Rarity had once said that if those two idiots didn't figure out how they felt about each other, she was 90% sure that they would never have children. That odd 10% was the stipulation that alcohol and a poorly-advised one-night stand might be involved. "I think it's a bit early to be thinking about tha-" Discord tried to say, but Reverend Bookbinder interrupted him again.

"They will be abominations! Abominations!" Reverent Bookbinder ranted. "Their birth will be the precursor to an era of wickedness that will spread immorality in this town like a disease!"

"Okay, that's taking it a bit too far." Fluttershy sounded kind of annoyed.

"That sort of mixing is against the Deity's plan!" Bookbinder raved. "Two different species were not meant to mix! Such things lead to the establishment of that den of depravity, Silk & Feathers!" Bookbinder spoke the name of the bar with a tone reserved to somepony speaking of something foul and disgusting.

A striped, winged zony known as Onda Rocks stuck her head out from inside Paige's Ponyville Pages and shouted, "Racist!"

Poking her head out from a cloud hovering just over Ponyville, Rainbow Dash shouted, "Is Bookburner being annoying again?"

"It's Reverend Bookbinder!" the stallion shouted. "I am trying to save these ponies from depravity! This mare must be stopped from spawning abominations!"

Discord stepped forward and picked Bookbinder up by the collar, yanking him up so his hooves were dangling and the two were face to face. In a voice filled with barely restrained anger, the Draconequus said, "Shut up. Right now. Me and Fluttershy's hypothetical offspring would not be abominations!" He glared fiercely at the earth pony. Discord's eyes narrowed. "Consider yourself extremely fortunate that I am reformed. You don't want to know what I would do to you if I wasn't. Now, I'm going to say this very nicely. Leave my friends alone."

The Draconequus released the stallion's collar, allowing him to plummet to the ground from his considerable height. He wasn't injured. Instead, he stood up. He pointed a hoof at Onda Rocks and said, "You are also seducing this creature, aren't you?"

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me!" Onda grumbled under her breath, facehoofing.

"One last warning." Discord growled.

It was not the Draconequus that caused the stallion to cower. Instead, it was Fluttershy. She was giving him the Stare, which was filled with all the intensity that she could muster. Bookbinder gulped audibly before galloping away. Fluttershy's expression returned to its usual one. In a soft tone, the pink-maned pegasus asked, "Are you, um, with Onda, Discord?"

Discord rolled his eyes and scoffed. "That mare? No way. I'd be barking up the wrong tree anyway."

"What?" Fluttershy questioned.

"She has a malfunctioning GAYDAR!" Rainbow Dash shouted from the cloud.

Discord smiled at Fluttershy and said, "Why, dear Fluttershy, it would be impossible for Onda Rocks and I to be together."

"Because she's sort of a pony?" Fluttershy asked, hiding behind her bangs so her face wouldn't show.

"Nope." Discord replied. "Onda Rocks is gayer than a spring breeze."

Fluttershy's attention shot at Onda. The zony just smiled and said, "Why else do you think that I run a mares-only bar?"

Fluttershy was not upset by this. She simply said, "Oh."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It was 4 PM when Hazelnut Latte and Cocoa Jinx were finished making a pot of jasmine tea. The mint-green filly took a sip and grimaced. "This tastes funny." she said.

"It'll grow on you." Hazelnut Latte said with a smile.

After a few more sips, Cocoa Jinx looked up at her sister and said, "Yeah, I think it is growing on me."

"Good." the older unicorn replied. "This stuff takes a while to make. If the water is too hot, it ruins the flavor."

"That's good to know." the younger unicorn said. "I'd hate to ruin this tea. It's a shame I didn't get my Cutie Mark in tea-making, though."

Hazelnut latte smiled and said, "Some good things are worth the wait."

"Like ships?" Cocoa Jinx said with a grin.

Hazelnut Latte laughed and said, "I was referring to Cutie Marks!"

"Well, ships are still important." the filly said insistantly.

"Relationships are overrated." Hazelnut Latte said with a scoff.

"You're still upset about the thing with Pepper Mist." Cocoa Jinx said.

"I went to confront her about her cheating on me with a stallion and her dad maced me in the face!" Hazelnut Latte argued. "With an actual mace!"

"Well, thanks to your quick magic reflexes, all you got was a bloody nose and broken glasses, right?" Cocoa Jinx pointed out.

"I should have pressed charges." Hazelnut Latte huffed. She then looked away and grumbled, "I liked those glasses!"

"What about Glitterella?" Cocoa Jinx asked.

"She decided that she was too 'upper class' for me." Hazelnut Latte replied. "Well, that and her parents threatened to cut her off if she kept dating me."

"You almost married Crimson Lippy." Cocoa Jinx pointed out.

"She bailed at the last second." Hazelnut Latte said. "She said that she wasn't interested in being a stepmother because she 'couldn't love a child that wasn't actually hers'."

"Good riddence, then!" Cocoa Jinx exclaimed. She then asked, "What about Lavender Essence?"

"She went full woo and decided that vaccines were evil and the government was out to enslave us. Tried to talk me into a coffee enema." Hazelnut Latte shook her head. "Sacrilege! What kind of monster would do that to perfectly good coffee? Then came the essential oil pyramid scheme. She knows that you have asthma and she still wanted to put those things in the air! To top it all off, she said that my vision problems were the result of 'vaccine injury' and tried to 'detox' me with kale, colloidal silver, and yes- enemas!"

A look of horror was on Cocoa Jinx's face. Hazelnut Latte cleared her throat and asked, "Was the enema thing too much?"

"No." Cocoa Jinx said. "It's just mind-boggling that someone could be that stupid."

"It's a stupid, stupid world out there, Kiddo." Hazelnut Latte said with a sad smile.

"We can't escape it anywhere, can we?" Cocoa Jinx sighed.

"Yep." Hazelnut Latte replied. "It's even here, in the form of a fire and brimstone proselytizer."

"Who, Reverend Bookbinder?" Cocoa Jinx questioned.

Hazelnut Latte nodded. Cocoa Jinx then said, "Yeah, he's a fucking cunt."

"Cocoa Jinx!" Hazelnut Latte scolded.

"I know, I know." Cocoa Jinx sighed. "Not until I'm twelve, and only at home until I'm sixteen."

Author's Note:

A scene from the next chapter:

Discord ticked several things off on his lion's paw. "Hummingbird cupcakes, some of that lemongrass tea that she likes, something that says 'happy 24th' on it, absolutely no Pinkie Pie, and a music player. I'll bring a Trotter Swift album."

"You listen to Trotter Swift?" Hazelnut Latte raised a brow.

Discord pouted and said, "I don't. Fluttershy listens to Trotter Swift. I try to ignore it. I'm more of a Motörhoof kind of guy."

"I've never heard of Motörhoof." Hazelnut Latte admitted.

"Motörhoof was a bit before your time." Discord said with a dismissive wave of his lion paw. "A bit after my time actually, but a bit before your time." The Draconequus' shoulders slumped. "Okay, now I feel old."

Comments

[kurusagi16]

Aw man, I'm hooked on the subplot with Discord and Fluttershy. I'm curious to see what happens from here.

[chaoticevl]

Weird, but in a good a way. Entertaining so i will be looking forward to more.

[Isseus]

Eh, better than the stuff that's usually in the feature box. I might not be a fan of making an account for one character, but hey, to each their own. Do keep on writing!