The Inane Adventures of Hazelnut Latte

by Porcelain Mug

Chapter 12: Over the Hill

This is where the story gets an M-rating for implied, non-graphic sexings.

oooooooooooooooooo

Two Weeks Before the Autumn Equinox Ball

It was a quiet, quiet day, which was good considering what day it was. It was Hazelnut Latte and Sugar Shock's birthday. That was why a small group of friends had been invited to a little get-together. No one had to bring presents. It was just hanging out at Whiskey Neat's bar, the Hung Horseshoe. The twins and their friends sat at a table with their drinks. Hazelnut Latte looked at Rainbow Dash and said, "Glad you found somepony to watch Scootaloo."

"Yeah." Rainbow Dash affirmed. "She, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Cocoa Jinx are probably going to drive Applejack crazy during their sleepover."

"As much as I hate to say it, I rather agree with that assessment." Rarity said before sipping her Manehattan.

"I have to say that I'm surprised that they can make a Manehattan here." Sugar Shock admitted.

"Oh, yeah." Rainbow Dash said with a grin. "Whiskey Neat can make just about anything with whiskey in it. Fluttershy, do you remember Creamcicle's bachelorette party when Bulk Biceps showed up? Never expected you, of all ponies, to be able to drink a stallion that size under the table."

Fluttershy said nothing and hid behind her forelocks. Discord looked at the mare, obviously quite curious. Of course he was there. Where Fluttershy went, Discord inevitably followed. "Either you're saying that Bulk Biceps is a complete lightweight, or..."

"Fluttershy can hold her liquor better than anypony I've ever met." Rainbow Dash answered.

"I didn't drink that much." Fluttershy said softly.

"Fluttershy, you drank so many shots that Whiskey Neat gave you a drink on the house the next time you visited out of sheer amazement." Rainbow Dash said with a grin.

"Well, it seems that our dear Fluttershy is full of surprises." Discord said with a smirk.

The door to the bar opened and another pony stepped in. Discord held back a groan when he saw that it was Pretty Boy. The handsome earth pony grinned when he spotted Fluttershy. "Fluttershy!" He exclaimed.

"Hello, Pretty Boy." Fluttershy said softly.

Pretty Boy approached and sat down in an empty chair at the table. "You ponies don't mind if I sit here, do you?"

"No." Discord said with thinly-veiled sarcasm. "Not at all."

A waitress walked past and Pretty Boy flagged her down. "I'll have a whiskey sour."

The waitress nodded and left to deliver the handsome stallion's order. "So." Rarity said with a smile. "You must be Fluttershy's friend, Pretty Boy. Am I to assume that you are acquainted with Roguish Jape as well?"

"We've hung out a bit." Pretty Boy replied. "So, what's the occasion?"

"It's the twins' birthday." Rainbow Dash answered.

"I assume from the lack of a certain pink mare that she didn't plan this party." Pretty Boy observed.

"I've lived here for over a year and I've managed to keep me and Sugar Shock's birthday a secret from Pinkie Pie." Hazelnut Latte explained.

"Is it that bad?" Sugar Shock questioned.

"Do you remember what happened when you first moved to Ponyville and Pinkie Pie threw you a party?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

"She nearly blew up my house." Sugar Shock sighed.

"Indeed." Discord said. "A massive cake, luridly colored streamers, low-power explosives, a bathtub full of gelatin, and David Bronie music playing on full blast."

"Who's David Bronie?" Pretty Boy asked.

"I can't believe that you haven't heard of him." Discord said with a sigh.

"Who?" Pretty Boy asked.

"David Bronie." Discord replied.

"Who's David Bronie?" Fluttershy asked.

"You know, David Bronie?" Discord replied. "Ziggy Stardust? Space Oddity? Changes?"

Fluttershy's eyes widened when she realized who Discord was talking about. "Oh, that David Bronie!"

"Right." Pretty Boy affirmed. "Now I know who you're talking about, Roguish Jape. That was probably more of something from your time, with you being old enough to be Fluttershy's dad and all."

Discord had to hold back a groan. Why did Pretty boy have to insist on constantly bringing up his apparent age? "Who cares if he used to party with Fluttershy's dad back in the day?" Sugar Shock asked. "Jape can party now and that's what matters."

"He's only had soda tonight." Rainbow Dash pointed out.

"Between dear Fluttershy and I, somepony has to make sure that you all get home safely." Discord said, placing his hoof on his chest dramatically. "Goodness forbid you all fall off a bridge and into some sort of chasm."

"Roguish Jape, darling," Rarity said with a roll of her eyes. "there aren't any chasms in Ponyville."

"Semantics!" Discord waved a hoof dismissively.

Pretty Boy nodded before turning to Fluttershy. "Why are you here? You don't strike me as the type to frequent bars."

"Well, they know me here." Fluttershy said with a smile. "It's nice to be where ponies know and understand you."

"What do you mean?" Pretty Boy asked.

Fluttershy took a deep breath and began to sing her explanation.

"Making my way in Ponyville today takese everything I've got.
Taking a break from all my worries sure would help a lot.
I think I would like to get away.

All those nights when I've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And my bunny, Angel, hung my friend up by his tail."

Discord huffed in annoyance. "It only happened once."

"And the pizza mare didn't show;

Sometimes I wanna go
Where everypony knows my name,
And they're always glad I came.
I want to be where I can see,
Our troubles are all the same.
I want to be where everypony knows my name.

Roll out of bed; my teapot broke.
The morning's looking bright,
And my mom ran off to Scoltland,
And didn't even write.
And my brother wants to be a mare...

I'm glad there's one place in the world
Where everypony knows my name,
And they're always glad I came.
I want to go where ponies know,
Ponies are all the same.
I want to go where everypony knows my name."

As the music built, Hazelnut Latte and Sugar Shock searched for its source, but none was to be found. The instrumental bits seemed to be coming out of nowhere.

"Where everypony knows my name,
And they're always glad I came.
Where everypony knows my name,
And they're always glad I came.
Where everypony knows my name,
And they're always glad I came..."

There was a brief silence before somepony spoke. "Well," Pretty Boy said, "I suppose that makes sense."

Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle burst into the bar. "Girls, you don't need to worry. Pinkie Pie is busy counting her collection of random, assorted shiny things."

"That calls for a celebration!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She turned to look at the bar and said, "Say, Whiskey Neat, do you have anything special to celebrate this occasion? I'm buying!"

Whiskey Neat nodded and reached under the bar to pull out a flask of green liquid. Twilight Sparkle cocked her head and asked, "What's that?"

"Oh, it's just the stuff that my mom, Absinthe, makes." Whiskey Neat replied.

"Well, pour us a round, then!" Hazelnut Latte exclaimed.

Sugar Shock looked at Fluttershy and Discord and asked, "What about you two? It's not every day we get to try Miss Absinthe's brew."

There was a brief silence before Discord placed his hoof on the table and said, "Oh, why not? Count me in!"

Flutterhy smiled and said, "Me, too."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Slowly, Discord became aware of something soft on his chest, which happened to wet. He opened his eyes and saw Fluttershy sleeping soundly. Her head was resting on his chest and her mouth was ajar and drooling on the stallion's chest. There was the sound of a rooster crowing outside and Discord scrunched his eyes shut as it aggrivated his headache. This was why he never drank. He always had the worst headaches when he was hung over. To make things worse, he really, really had to pee. He reluctantly nudged the sleeping mare. "Fluttershy."

Fluttershy's eyes flickered open as she raised her head. She looked at Discord and asked, "What happened?"

"I'm not sure." Discord admitted. "There was absinthe- a lot of absinthe. Now we're here and I really, really need to go to the bathroom."

"Oh!" Fluttershy said. "Sorry!"

The mare then climbed off of him. Discored slowly sat up from the couch and he could feel his joints creaking when he got up. Damn this aging body. He made his way over to the bathroom as quickly as a hung over, slightly arthritic stallion who had spent the night in an awkward position on a couch could. He quickly took care of business, making sure to wash his hooves when he was done. He then headed back to the living room. Fluttershy was perched on the couch, looking at him with concern. Her mane was a bit messy, in the most alluring manner possible. Alluring? Where did that come from? The mare yawned and, because yawning is contagious, the stallion yawned as well. He licked his lips and quickly noticed the familiar taste of Fluttershy's favorite cherry lip balm. "Huh." he commented. "Cherry lip balm."

He must have borrowed it again. He would never, ever admit it. Even he wasn't immune to dry, chapped lips. Apparently, that crossed over to his pony-ness. Thank all that is good for the wonderous invention that is lip balm! He looked at Fluttershy and noticed the intense blush on her face and that she was refusing to look at him. "What?" Discord questioned.

"Nothing!" Fluttershy squeaked, hiding her face behind her forelocks.

It was just then that Celestia finished rising the sun and the light made its way through the windows. The sunlight got in Fluttershy's eyes, causing her to cover her eyes with a snake-like hiss. Discord grimaced as the pounding in his head got worse. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it." Fluttershy said softly.

Discord, of course, followed her. The butter-hued mare opened the door to reveal a now-familiar zebra. "Goodmorning to you, Fluttershy." Zecora said. "Surely you must hurt while the sun is high."

"Hello, Zecora." Fluttershy said with a smile.

"Yes, it's delightful to see you." Discord snarked.

Zecora nodded and said, "Good morning to you as well, Roguish Jape."

The zebra removed a bag of herbs from her saddle bag and set down in front of Fluttershy. "A hangover is something that you two can't escape."

"How did you know that we'd be hung over?" Discord asked.

"You passed by my home. It could not be debated." Zecora replied. "You both were clearly intoxicated. I knew what course your actions would take, so I gathered some herbs to help with your ache."

"Oh, thank you, Zecora!" Fluttershy said with a smile.

"I included some items that can be selected, so when you frolic together, you will be protected." Zecora winked at the two ponies.

"Um... thank you?" A puzzled Fluttershy responded.

Discord had to hold a groan. Why in the name of chaos was everypony convinced that it was inevitable that he and Fluttershy eventually sleep together? It wasn't in the literal sense, either. It was in the more adult sense. He would never touch Fluttershy that way, especially not while she was drunk! He may be a creature of chaos, but he wasn't a complete monster! "Today I have much work to do." Zecora said before nodding her head. "I must leave now and bid you adieu."

"Have a nice day, Zecora." Fluttershy said.

The zebra then turned and left. Fluttershy closed the door and turned to look at Discord, who had picked up the bag of herbs. "Can you prepare Zecora's herbs?" she asked. "I need to take a shower."

"Why, dear Fluttershy, I'd be happy to." Discord set the bag down and said smoothly.

Fluttershy turned a little pink before hurrying off to the shower. Discord picked the bag back up and carried it to the kitchen. He set the bag down on the counter and opened it. Inside was a bundle of herbs, some instructions, and a box of condoms. The pegasus stallion turned red and opened the drawer under the counter that contained some bottles of lubricants. Also in the drawer were a small, curved, club-like object made of a magical substance called silicone and a little pink tube-like device that vibrated when activated. For as long as he had lived with her, he had never seen her open the drawer. He quickly put the box of condoms in that drawer and quietly shut it. He then started reading the instructions for the herbs. Okay, he was to make a tea. He got Fluttershy's tea kettle out, filled it with water, and put it on the stove. By the time the kettle had started to whistle, Fluttershy had entered the kitchen. She was clean and only slightly damp. Discord got the spare teapot out and proceeded to make the tea. The herbs would make four cups of tea. Fifteen minutes later, both ponies were at the table, each sipping from their own cup of steaming liquid. Fluttershy looked up at Discord and asked, "Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah." Discord replied. "After another cup, I'll be back to my old self. Well, not literally."

He wished that he was his old self again. He didn't have to deal with that pesky arthritis in his true form. "This form isn't that bad." Fluttershy commented quietly.

"I didn't have to deal with this pesky arthritis then." Discord griped. "I look like I'm in my mid-fifties. Why did I have to become an old pony?"

"Well, your new body isn't really old." Fluttershy said reassuringly. "More like significantly middle-aged."

"Old, middle aged, whatever." Discord replied. "When I'm back to my old self, Twilight is going to pay."

"Discord..." Fluttershy said with a subtle, almost imperceptible note of warning in her voice.

"I won't do anything to hurt her. You know that I won't." Discord said. "There's all kinds of chaos that I could do that wouldn't cause actual harm."

"You could organize her library using Dewdrop's Decimal System." Fluttershy suggested.

"Organize?" Discord scoffed. "My dear, I am a creature of chaos. Organizing something is hardly chaotic."

"Twilight has a system where everything is out of order, but she knows where it is. If you organize it according to the Dewdrop Decimal System, which she is unfamiliar with, it'll take her forever to find anything." Fluttershy clarified.

Discord pondered it for a moment before his face split into a wicked grin. "Why Fluttershy, if I didn't know better, one might think that you were an evil genius."

Fluttershy lifted her cup and sipped from it. She swallowed her tea and quietly said, "I'm not a genius."

"Fluttershy, you are one of the few ponies that I can complement without being fecetious." Discord said with a sincere smile. "Your Dewdrop Decimal System idea was rather unorthodox, but the idea of order as a means to create chaos is intriguing."

To be quite honest, he was rather proud of her for coming up with such an interesting method for Twilight's chaos-fueled punishment. He realized that it was not smart to give Fluttershy a reason to want revenge. No one would ever see her coming. Fortunately, Fluttershy was eternally forgiving. He didn't really need to bring up the worst of his screw-ups. He had woken up cuddling with Fluttershy, which he wouldn't do in front of anypony else. At least he wasn't in a truly compromising position. He could only imagine what sort of things would happen to somepony else who got drunk with a pretty friend- yes, he would admit to himself that Fluttershy was, indeed, pretty. It still didn't change the fact that he didn't sleep with her. What kind of pony would sleep with a friend while drunk anyway?

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Twilight was slowly brought back to consciousness by a pounding headache and severe nausea. She could feel warm breath against her throat. The alicorn opened her eyes and saw a pair of black cat-frame glasses on her night stand. She had seen those glasses enough to know who they belonged to. Slowly, Twilight looked down to see an extremely curly, chocolate brown mane. Said mane was attached to a mare with a caramel colored coat and the mare's current cutie mark was a piece of wrapped hard candy with a starburst on it. The alicorn clenched her eyes shut and tried to convince herself that nothing had happened, but she felt kind of sticky and she could still smell that blueberry flavored lubricant that she had bought in Manehatten- in disguise, of course- but never used. She knew what she had done and who she had done it with. She had done the nasty with Sugar Shock.

Carefully, Twilight looked around to see that she wasn't in her castle. She was in a room filled with posters with various metal bands depicted on them. There were also horror-themed graphic novels, a radio, some manga, a typewriter, several figurines, some incense, and a copy of Horny for Her: A Unicorn's Guide to Lesbian Sexuality. Slowly, carefully, Twilight made her way out of bed. She froze when Sugar Shock mumbled and began to stir, but the brunette mumbled something and rolled over before sinking back into dreamland. Twilight exhaled softly in relief. She saw her satchel on the floor and picked it up. She wasn't sure why she did it, but she used her magic to pick up Horny for Her and put it in her satchel. She then quietly made her way out of Sugar Shock's apartment, locking the door behind her.

Twilight knew that her mane was a mess as she made her way down the halls. Everything about her screamed 'I got laid last night' and she wanted to get out of here without anypony seeing her. Last night had been a night of firsts for her. She had never drank absinthe before. She'd never gotten drunk at all before. She had never been with a mare before. She had never been with anypony before. She had lost her virginity to another mare. Another mare. She had lost her virginity to Sugar Shock. Of all mares, why did it have to be Sugar Shock? Now she was going on her very first walk of shame. After doing the nasty with a mare. Why was it another mare? She wasn't gay. She absolutely wasn't gay. It was drunken experimentation. Who hadn't done that at some point? The prolonged presence and growing feelings of platonic affection couldn't possibly have led to some sort of sexual attraction that she didn't know about. Nope. With a sigh, Twilight made her way down the stairs until she reached the first floor and exited the building. To her relief, nopony was around. She decided to take an indirect route to her castle instead of heading straight through town.

When she arrived at her castle, she took the little-known back entrance. She needed a shower. She heard the sound of Spike humming, followed by the flipping of a comic book's pages. The alicorn quietly hurried past the room before heading to the master bathroom. She turned the settings on the shower to her preferred temperature and waited for it to heat up. She tried not to think about what had happened last night. When she finally got into the shower, she let out a sigh as the warm water washed the remnants of last night off of her. When she started washing her mane, the memories of the night before slowly trickled back into her skull. There had been gross misuse of Sugar Shock's shower last night. Things had happened. Things had happened all over Sugar Shock's apartment. Some of it was a blur, but she remembered enough to know that she had enjoyed herself very much and that it would most likely be very difficult for her to look Sugar Shock in the eye after this. She just had to wait a couple more months. Well, unless Starlight Glimmer came back early from her four-month vacation in Zebrica. If one of the twins had gone through something awkward, she wondered what the other one had gone through.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Hazelnut Latte had been awake for several hours. Surprisingly, her hangover was fairly mild. She was on her couch reading The Art of Swearing. It wasn't as long or as detailed as The Encyclopedia of Swear Words, but it was still an interesting read. She could feel Cocoa Jinx snuggling into her side, also reading a book. The book that the unicorn filly was reading was Candle Making for Complete Morons. Making candles wasn't Cocoa Jinx's special talent, but it was still something that she enjoyed. Hazelnut Latte knew that her little sister would discover her special talent one day. Hopefully, it would not be something useless like Chaise Lounge's talent- or worse, something like the special talent of a colt she knew back in San Franciscolt. Windbreaker was deeply ashamed of his special talent which was, well, let's just say that it had nothing to do with jackets. The stallion could clear a room in thirty seconds flat. Poor, poor Windbreaker. He did make jackets for a living, though. He was pretty good at it, too. Cocoa Jinx let out a sigh and looked up at her sister. "Hazel?"

"What is it, Cocoa Jinx?" Hazelnut Latte asked.

"Can we make candles next weekend?" Cocoa Jinx asked.

"Next weekend. Definitely. You can't do it tonight, obviously, because you go back to school tomorrow." Hazelnut Latte responded.

"Oh, yeah." Cocoa Jinx said with a grin. "Maybe then I'll get my Cutie Mark!"

Hazelnut Latte laughed and ruffled her sister's mane. "You go get 'em, kiddo!"

"Foolish nonbeliever!" Cocoa Jinx said in an attempt at a deep voice. "You dare ruffle the mane of the Avatar of Entropy?"

"I dare." Hazelnut Latte chuckled. "Now, Avatar of Entropy, it's time to get up so I can make breakfast."

"Ooh!" Cocoa Jinx said excitedly. "Can we have chocolate chip pancakes?"

"Oh, sure, why not?" Hazelnut Latte said with a chuckle.

"Yay!" Cocoa Jinx squealed, rushing off to the kitchen.

Hazelnut Latte threw her head back and laughed. Still chuckling, she made her way to the kitchen to start breakfast. As she mixed the pancake batter, she smiled at how content she was with her life in Ponyville, even as a single parent to her sister. It was just another day in the inane adventures of Hazelnut Latte.

Author's Note:

A scene from the next chapter:

"Heathens!" Reverend Bookbinder bellowed. "How dare you flaunt your promiscuity in public!"

Ditzy Doo groaned audibly in annoyance. The Doctor turned to look at her and asked, "Is this bloke serious?"

"I'm afraid so." Ditzy sighed. "Reverend Bookbinder, can you please not do this? I'm on a date."

"Of course you would be associating with this impotent madman who makes blasphemous machines!" Bookbinder snarled.

"Madman?" Ditzy gasped.

"I won't deny the madman thing," the Doctor said with a frown, "but my machines are not 'blasphemous' and I resent that jab at my potency."