Pleasuring Techniques and Other Weird-Ass Stories

by Regidar

Why You Should Never Ignore Ponies

In loving memory of Regidar
November 29, 19??- June 6 2012

One morning, Regidar got up and checked his DA folder.

"HOLY SWEET CELESTIA! 1,001 SUBMISSIONS?"

Regidar nearly had a heart attack.

"Well, there's a delete all button, but I don't want to miss anything good! I'll just come back to it later."

And so, Regidar went out to go to his mediocre job working at McDonald's.

"I'm not gonna lie to myself, i just go work here to steal the pony toys from the Happy Meals," Regidar said to himself as he pulled up to his job.

Unfortunately, he was in for a disappointment, as McDonald's had stopped putting pony toys in their Happy Meals for almost two months now. Also, he was fired for not showing up to work for two months.

"Fine! I don't need your stupid job! I'll just rob a bank, or become a crack whore or something! And when you show up, I'll charge you extra!" Regidar yelled at his manager while stepping back into his car.

"That'll show him..." Regidar grumbled to himself while he turned the key in his ignition. The car wouldn't start.

"Oh, god damn it." Regidar got out of the car, and was hit by a runaway shopping cart.

Slowly dragging himself back into the car, he turned the key again. This time it worked.

Regidar swore, and drove away from the McDonald's.

Now jobless, Regidar drove back to his house. Even though it had only been 26 minutes, his inbox now read 9,005 Submissions.

Regidar's jaw dropped as he saw this. All the pony art was accumulating. And also some half-life and hunger games art, but he never paid attention to that anymore.

Suddenly, Vegeta showed up, holding his scouter. Regidar punched the Sayan in the face before anything memeish could happen.

"NO! 9,000 is not a special number!" Regidar shouted at the Sayan, and then kicked him tight in the Dragon Balls.

Regidar clicked the refresh button on his computer. The inbox now read 107,563 submissions.

"WHAT THE BUCK?!" Regidar screamed. The "bronies" group on Deviantart, which hosted 107,562 of the submissions in question, had changed their icon to feature a troll face.

"Ok, that might explain it," Regidar said, staring at the computer screen.

"Well, this is really stupid. One group has too much art for me to look at, and the other group never submits enough!" Regidar said, pointing out that the other group, My Little Bronies, had the same one submission from three weeks ago and no new ones. Regidar had himself submitted several to the group, but they hadn't been posted by it yet.

"Oh well, I can't possibly view all these deviations. I'm sorry, but they must be deleted."

Regidar took a deep breath, and slowly moved his cursor over to the little "x" at the top of the folder containing all of the submissions from "Bronies".

Regidar's finger slowly descended upon the mouse clicker thingy which he didn't know the name of, and clicked it.

The message "Are you sure you want to delete all of the submissions from 'bronies'?" appeared. Regidar gritted his teeth, and clicked "yes."

But right before that happened, a UFO broke through Regidar's roof.

"HOLY CRAP!" Regidar yelled, staring at the extraterrestrial spaceship "Jehovah's Witnesses are really getting desperate!"

"We're not Jehovah's Witnesses, you idiot!" A small, green alien said, getting out of the ship to smack the ignorant brony on the face.

"Ow, that hurt!" Regidar said, rubbing the smacked skin.

"It should, you ignorant oaf!" The alien walked over to Regidar's collection of Ponies which he had stolen form many a McDonald's Happy Meal. "No time to explain. We need these. The future of our race depends on it."

"Wait. You had time to smack me around for being stupid, but not enough time to explain why you're stealing my dolls?" Regidar asked inquiringly.

"Precisely." The Aliens took all of Regidar's plundered plastic ponies and departed, leaving Regidar with nothing but a pony-less room and a giant hole in his roof.

"Damn! It took me a while to gather all those ponies!" Regidar cursed.

"Good thing I still have you!" Regidar pulled out his Lyra Plushie which he had purchased on Ebay for 700 Dollars.

"I'm gonna have some fun with you!"

Suddenly the aliens came back.

"Oh, yeah, we need this too." The tractor beam came down, scooped Lyra out of Regidar's perverted hands, and the UFO blasted away.

"NOOOOO!" Regidar shouted in outrage, falling to his knees and sobbing.

Then, several Men in Black came up and flashed Regidar. Then they erased his memory.

"Well, I did have a good time at the circus, but that doesn't explain why there's a hole in the roof, or why all my pony paraphernalia is missing." Regidar tried to think, but it hurt his brain.

"OW! Oh well."

Regidar sat back down at the computer, and deleted all of the pony art.

Suddenly, wind blew through Regidar's house, and a vortex opened in his room. Slowly trotting out of the blue portal, came Regidar's personal idol.

Princess Celestia.

"OH MY CELESTIA IT'S CELESTIA!" Regidar said, nearly having his second heart attack of the day.

"Regidar, for not viewing all of the magnificent artwork of me submitted to 'Bronies', I sentence you to 1000 years on the moon!"

"Oh no!" Regidar said, shocked. But then he remember something.

"Well, if Luna could do it, how hard can it be?"

He found out just how hard when he died from lack of oxygen after being on the moon for 2 minutes.

"But... Luna... how?" Regidar choked with his last breaths.

Luna floated by with a fishbowl on her head, and a troll on her face.
"El Problemo, Regidar?" the Alicorn Princess said, smirking.

"GOD DAMN-"

And then Regidar expired, right next to Tom Cruise and Willzyx.

***

And that, kids is why you should never go swimming for at least forty-five minutes after eating.

If you learned a lesson in reading this, that would be really odd, as I did not write this with the intention of you learning one.

***

Wow... I was really high when I wrote this.

Comments

[dopplerdee]

Ill say you where hight as the moon ............ Wow im lame.....

[ClarinetOverlord]

You survived for two minutes while exposed to the vacuum of space? Wow.

[myhe01]

i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/009/832/dafuq-did-i-just-read-meme.jpg

[The Princess Rarity]

1165480 Maybe higher than Pluto?

[derpy muffins]

I loved this!!

[Heart 97]

dafuq? regidar you were high as paradise when you wrote this

[Pancakes.]

1675028
Pluto isn't high. It's far.

[rainbowcrasherloops]

So awesome

[Ignaltus]

[Silver Octopus]

Blaze it