The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic

by RejectOwl

Applejack's assasination attempt

"How do you kill a princess anyway?" Pinkie asked.

Twilight shrugged. "I have no idea, I mean, I know what won't work, but not what will."

"So what won't work?" Pinkie questioned.

"Well, I seem immune to heights, as well as just a blast, I mean, yeah Celestia got knocked down by Chrysalis, but still, she was all doped up on my brothers love for Cadance."

"So, blasting to smithereens is out of the question?"

"Yes."

"Damn."

"Can we throw her off a cliff?"

"Pinkie, I just said we're immune to heights."

"Oh. Yeah."

"How about a poison apple al'a Snow White?" Applejack suggested.

"We could give them poison cupcakes? At the least it'd probably make them sick!" Pinkie said happily.

"Hey, I suggested poison first, so we should go with apples first!" Applejack yelled pounding her hoof on the table.

"Don't be silly Applejack, we all know the story of Snow White, so the princesses won't eat an apple some creepy ugly mare gives them."

"You callin' me creepy?" Applejack glared.

"No! It's part of the story you silly filly! The beautiful queen transforms herself into an ugly old hag and gives Snow White the apple that puts her to sleep until she gets true love's kiss! So obviously a princess won't eat apples!"

"You know, I think Pinkie is right, I don't think I've ever seen Celestia eat an apple by itself."

"So put the poison in a pie!" Applejack threw her hooves up.

"I think cooking might destroy it." Pinkie answered.

"Ugh, you put it in after the pie is cooked obviously." Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Oh, right." Pinkie replied. "Alright then, hold your horsefeathers girls, I got this shit!"

Pinkie, in Pinkie fashion, came back shortly with a pie.

"I made it special, just gotta hide it in my mane pocket dimension until we get to Canterlot Castle!" Pinkie cheered and bounced around.

"I'm not sure if poison will actually work though..." Twilight mused. "Whatever, lets try it."

So after several hours and several Pinkie hijinks, they arrived at Canterlot Castle, Pinkie presenting the pie to Luna and Celestia.

"Oh I love pie!" Celestia cheered and cut herself a slice. "Do you not want to share my little ponies?"

"Oh no, we already ate, we just wanted to give you a nice apple pie we all worked on together to thank you for doing such a good job." Twilight waved her hoof dismissively.

"Well that is very sweet of you all." Luna smiled and begin to eat her slice.

The mane six watched with baited breath.

---

Pinkie was in the hallway, banging her head into the wall.

"Of course they're immune to cyanide!" She muttered and began a series of expletives that got louder and louder.

"Twilight, is your friend okay?" Luna asked, finishing her half of the pie, watching Pinkie beat herself into the wall.

"Uh... yeah, haha, she's fine. She's just disappointed she couldn't have any." Twilight smiled forcefully.

"Are you alright Twilight, you seem tense." Celestia asked.

"Do I?" Twilight answered through a smile.

Pinkie saw their efforts falling apart, and pulled a knife from her mane.

"Hey, Celestia, you got some stuff stuck to you, I'll cut it out!" Pinkie offered bouncing up to the white alicorn. Her hoof caught in the carpet and Pinkie careened forward, the knife flew from her mouth, headed directly for Celestia... and bounced off of her chest.

"Horseapples." Pinkie cursed.

"Oh dear, you're lucky our skin is nearly impenetrable!" Celestia laughed and helped the earth pony up.

"Nearly impenetrable?" Pinkie questioned.

"Well yes, obsidian though could hurt us." Celstia mused.

"Realllllly." Pinkie smiled.

"Okay well that's all we needed, but... just... out of curiosity, where is obsidian anyway and could it be like mixed with like, nitrate, to kill an alicorn? Hypothetically of course."

"Well.... it could." Celestia answered evasively. "There's many things obsidian can be mixed with, it was a very handy weapon in the past. But after Ghastly Gorge's creation when someone mixed nitrate and trinitrotoluene with an obsidian stone, we had to ban the import of obsidian, too many ponies getting ideas of causing smaller explosions."

Pinkie began to do mental math on just how much nitrate, obsidian, and trinitrotoluene would be needed to blast a princess apart.

Maybe a castle too.

Author's Note:

No! Pinkie! That's too far!

Comments

[RejectOwl]

8896918
Reality is a lie!

[RejectOwl]

8896942
Shoot! I knew it didn't look quite right! Thanks.

[daOtterGuy]

... I dont' know what Im reading... But I think I like it

[RedEyedDJ]

I must have moar!

[Lazruth]

No! Pinkie! That's too far!

I would like to differ. I mean, they can't exactly nuke it from orbit, so honestly this seems the best way to be sure.

[TheMajorTechie]

8897225
Why stop at nuking it?

[Cauchemar]

And now the rock farm comes into play.

[Lazruth]

8897242
Key words, "from orbit". Celi and Lu would notice something floating near their sun and moon.

Besides, explosions always work to solve any situation. Especially those they shouldn't.

[RejectOwl]

8897326
Not if they're floating with it! :D

[Lazruth]

8897372
Nah, the mane six have got to be ground level for the explosion so they can walk away from it without looking. It's a rule!

[B_Munro]

8897950

Which, as I said, ain't Princess level problems. But this is after all a crackfic, so I won't argue the issue.

[Powerdrainer]

I stared into insanity, and Pinkie Pie stared back.

... It's pretty awesome after a while. There are cupcakes.

[the7Saviors]

This story is ridiculous, but I can't help but be amused anyway.

[Texus]

"Oh dear, you're lucky our skin is nearly impenetrable!" Celestia laughed and helped the earth pony up.

While I thought this was going to far, I'm a bit dissapointed that this seems to follow the "we have big power so our bodies are strong in defens too" formular.

It is still nice.

[Moon_Dew]

Obsidian and TNT? Is that a reference to the Minecraft mod called Mekanism?