An abnormal shapeshifter from the Special Anomaly Squad somehow ended up in Equestria where the males are nothing but a bunch of pussy (RGRE of course)
1) This feels like a crossover 2) you need to edit a bit more but not enough to get an editor 3) I need moar 5) having ‘moar’ in your comments tends to tell you that it’s good enough to continue 6) you didn’t notice that I skipped 4
I'd recommend an editor, there were a lot of vague sentences and grammar issues. Eg. "Me, as a shield, shredding the bastards with a pair of minigun on each of my hand." this is a sentence you probably wouldn't want to submit for a paper. The word "me" should never be used as the subject of a sentence unless you want to sound like a caveman. If you remove the "as a shield" the sentence becomes "me shredding the bastards" I imagine you would want something like, "I, acting as a shield, shredded the bastards." For the same sentence, did you intend to make it sound like he was shooting four miniguns? As epic as that sounds, I don't think that was your intention. Instead of a "pair of miniguns on each hand" try either, "a mini gun on each hand" or "a pair of miniguns on my hands" Your premise is good, if a bit awkwardly presented, if you don't have access to a good editor I'd recommend reading your sentences out loud to see if it sounds right. While there are many grammar mistakes that speaking out loud won't fix, some of the most egregious of your errors should be easy to pick out. Keep writing and improving! If you keep at it you can only stand to get better.
Pegasis’ are well known to have hollow bones that makes them lighter and allowing them to fly, a kick from an Earth Pony can break or even shatter their bones but this is Applejack we’re talking about.
Another example of a good sentence to read outloud. Immediately the sentence sounds wrong because your verbs "makes" and "allowing" don't agree on tense. Another quick thing, "makes" should be "make" as bones is a plural. You do this correctly with your next sentence (what should be a new sentence) with break and shatter. If you want to make the sentence clearer I would use "and" instead of "but." "but" implies something that is different or contradictory to the previous statement. The way you worded it makes it sound like applejack is actually much weaker. Using "and" makes the statements work off of each other. If you like the stronger statements but can make try rewording the sentence to something like "but applejack kicks even harder." also, always write as if readers have no idea what you're referencing to. I have never played the game that mask is inspired by. Describe the mask instead of stating it. In other far more intoned words, SHOW, DONT TELL. There's not a creative writing class you can take that won't tell you to do that. {edit} Sorry for clogging up your comment section.
11498618 His armor has to be flexible for him to move like that and he may also have forgotten to strengthen his bones after all he is used to guns and insendiary weaponry not blunt attacks from what I have gathered.
What is this a crossover of?
I am liking this story so far and I can't wait to read more of it.
1) This feels like a crossover
2) you need to edit a bit more but not enough to get an editor
3) I need moar
5) having ‘moar’ in your comments tends to tell you that it’s good enough to continue
6) you didn’t notice that I skipped 4
8763345
I was going to add a crossover tag later on
8764415
Well can you tell me what it’s a crossover of
8764451
Bioshock series, going to add Songbird and a Big Daddy
Pretty good so far.keep up the good work
I'd recommend an editor, there were a lot of vague sentences and grammar issues. Eg. "Me, as a shield, shredding the bastards with a pair of minigun on each of my hand."
this is a sentence you probably wouldn't want to submit for a paper. The word "me" should never be used as the subject of a sentence unless you want to sound like a caveman. If you remove the "as a shield" the sentence becomes "me shredding the bastards" I imagine you would want something like, "I, acting as a shield, shredded the bastards."
For the same sentence, did you intend to make it sound like he was shooting four miniguns? As epic as that sounds, I don't think that was your intention. Instead of a "pair of miniguns on each hand" try either, "a mini gun on each hand" or "a pair of miniguns on my hands"
Your premise is good, if a bit awkwardly presented, if you don't have access to a good editor I'd recommend reading your sentences out loud to see if it sounds right. While there are many grammar mistakes that speaking out loud won't fix, some of the most egregious of your errors should be easy to pick out. Keep writing and improving! If you keep at it you can only stand to get better.
Another example of a good sentence to read outloud. Immediately the sentence sounds wrong because your verbs "makes" and "allowing" don't agree on tense. Another quick thing, "makes" should be "make" as bones is a plural. You do this correctly with your next sentence (what should be a new sentence) with break and shatter.
If you want to make the sentence clearer I would use "and" instead of "but." "but" implies something that is different or contradictory to the previous statement. The way you worded it makes it sound like applejack is actually much weaker. Using "and" makes the statements work off of each other. If you like the stronger statements but can make try rewording the sentence to something like "but applejack kicks even harder." also, always write as if readers have no idea what you're referencing to. I have never played the game that mask is inspired by. Describe the mask instead of stating it. In other far more intoned words, SHOW, DONT TELL. There's not a creative writing class you can take that won't tell you to do that.
{edit}
Sorry for clogging up your comment section.
8920162
Nah, no prob m8
I'm trying to find an editor for this story
Thanks for the tip, btw
Not really, if anything it descalated
8920697
NO BAD MR SWANKY HAT! *beats with newspaper* Only I can make bad puns!
Admito que es un final algo original
Great way to stop your kids from misbehaving
10019135
Your kid can't misbehave if he's dead.
10074419
10074419
Luigi says: if the rules gonna get broken, a child's body will be smokin!
10074419
If the rules be broken, a child be smokin
10423523
Luigi says: If it can crawl then it can brawl.
Now you can play as Luigi
Didn't this dude have subdermal armor?
11498618
His armor has to be flexible for him to move like that and he may also have forgotten to strengthen his bones after all he is used to guns and insendiary weaponry not blunt attacks from what I have gathered.