An abnormal shapeshifter from the Special Anomaly Squad somehow ended up in Equestria where the males are nothing but a bunch of pussy (RGRE of course)
9603783 Yeah, it was getting annoying how he was basically just bragging about how he could control whatever simulation he gets put in unless its a quantum computer for the entire story when there was no code at all for the entire thing. I want to finally see his reaction. And see if he'll keep that edgy teen attitude that most children soldiers do in either RL, entertainment, anime, games or TV shows.
9412752 Okay thank you dearly for the reply. I'm happy with the story and even happier to see it update, it was only the crossover confusion that was miffing me. But I can role with a Bioshock crossover variant character.
Wow, this is some seriously bad work. Was hopeful from the main plot that it'd be something interesting but nope. Just some edgy teenage fantasy bull. Grammar and pacing issues from hell, random 180s in how characters act in a given situation, and by god the number of pointless tangents the main character goes on in his head just because the author wants to jam in more half-assed "lore". Not for me.
9632632 Thanks for your input, since this is my side project I didn't put much effort into this. Still, I tried to improve the lore a bit but I'm still stuck to where I'm gonna take it. Any suggestion?
9634039 Honestly, you've shown some signs of something interesting, just try to work the lore into the story more naturally. As it stands, it just kinda feels like he remembers random tidbits for little connective reason story wise then just goes "Oh, back on track now" and the actual story starts again. Try to avoid the "info dump", It's one thing for him to remember something when it relates to or brings some significance to the current events or sets a precedent naturally to a future event. But as it stands he just seems to arbitrarily go "I want to bring up herms and bunnygirls so that's a thing". Also try to avoid unexplained information, I'm fairly certain at one point he describes the manticore by it's appearance but that he doesn't know what it is, only remembering it as "a mythical creature", then, later in the story he just refers to it as a manticore without a correcting influence being demonstrated. Try to avoid that. In the end it's your story, I just feel you could really improve this with minimal effort.
10023579 I will eventually, I'm still busy dealing with school and writer block, just hold on a few more months, probably I'll post another chapter next month if possible
Comment posted by rikithemonk deleted Jan 31st, 2020
glad to see this
question when will he realize everything is real?
Still awesom!
Finally! Fucking Crist I need more stories
yaay killem gooooooood
9603783
Yeah, it was getting annoying how he was basically just bragging about how he could control whatever simulation he gets put in unless its a quantum computer for the entire story when there was no code at all for the entire thing. I want to finally see his reaction. And see if he'll keep that edgy teen attitude that most children soldiers do in either RL, entertainment, anime, games or TV shows.
Yess it lives! Still, worth the wait.
Please continue
9412752
Okay thank you dearly for the reply. I'm happy with the story and even happier to see it update, it was only the crossover confusion that was miffing me. But I can role with a Bioshock crossover variant character.
Thanks again!
What is this a crossover of?
9610128
Bioshock Infinite
Wow, this is some seriously bad work. Was hopeful from the main plot that it'd be something interesting but nope. Just some edgy teenage fantasy bull. Grammar and pacing issues from hell, random 180s in how characters act in a given situation, and by god the number of pointless tangents the main character goes on in his head just because the author wants to jam in more half-assed "lore". Not for me.
9632632
Thanks for your input, since this is my side project I didn't put much effort into this.
Still, I tried to improve the lore a bit but I'm still stuck to where I'm gonna take it. Any suggestion?
9634039
Honestly, you've shown some signs of something interesting, just try to work the lore into the story more naturally. As it stands, it just kinda feels like he remembers random tidbits for little connective reason story wise then just goes "Oh, back on track now" and the actual story starts again. Try to avoid the "info dump", It's one thing for him to remember something when it relates to or brings some significance to the current events or sets a precedent naturally to a future event. But as it stands he just seems to arbitrarily go "I want to bring up herms and bunnygirls so that's a thing". Also try to avoid unexplained information, I'm fairly certain at one point he describes the manticore by it's appearance but that he doesn't know what it is, only remembering it as "a mythical creature", then, later in the story he just refers to it as a manticore without a correcting influence being demonstrated. Try to avoid that. In the end it's your story, I just feel you could really improve this with minimal effort.
9634095
Will do!
Thanks for the suggestions.
Please update!!!!
this story is awsuome here is a mustache
Please continue this
10023579
I will eventually, I'm still busy dealing with school and writer block, just hold on a few more months, probably I'll post another chapter next month if possible
There's a boot in my horse.