get a proofreader cause your grammar is terrible beyond belief.
although i would like this to be continued so please do.

1016863
Sorry about that. I write really fast, so as to not lose my train of thought with the story.
If people point out the mistakes, I'll eagerly fix them ASAP. Thanks for giving this a read.

1016876hmmm well at the start of the chapter you said "she" way too many times, also you put "here" instead of "hear".....
...
...
...
...
...could i proof read?

this is the only good Halo fanfic on this site. I commend you for this.
Your grammar is also a bit off but it is small enough so it may be ignored.

1016918
Hehe. Thanks! Yeah, I write really fast so mistakes are there, but if people point them out and where they are, I'll fix 'em ASAP.
And you really think it's the best one?! No foolin'? That's awesome to hear! Thank you so much!

1016882
I guess so. I'm kind of new to this, so I don't know the process of making someone a proof reader.

1016939
Because i don't like it when the other Halo crossovers introduce a large amount of covenant then they're all like "ERMAGERD EQUESTRIA IS DEAD!"

And, if IraqLobstah disses on this story, ignore him, he goes out of his way to post hate for halo fics, like a biased youtube commentor.

Edit: currently tied for first on 'Best Halo Fic' because i forgot about the one with Jorge.

1016876

That's not preventing you from going back and editing after you write it down.

Also, haven't read it yet, but I hope you've taken into account that the Gamma Company Spartan IIIs need a special drug cocktail to prevent them from going nuts.

1016959
Oh I know that. I read Ghosts of Onyx about three times. Next chapter is a flashback, so it will be addressing some of these instances.

I really enjoyed reading the introduction to this story. Please go on! Also, TwilightXSpartan... teehee

1016876

"Well, I was in the middle of a battle. I boarded the ship, that's now a pile of ruble, during the battle hoping to blow it up. But my nuke was destroyed and so was the navigation consul during a fight I had with an Elite. We ended up here, ma'am." He finished. Princess Celestia eyed him carefully.

A "ruble" is a form of russian currency, I assume the word you are looking for here is "rubble" although I would point out that "wreckage" might be more appropriate.

A "consul" is a diplomatic official stationed in a foreign country who facilitates trade and the like. The word you are looking for here is "console".

Not terrible, bro, but you need to dial back the speed on the romance angle a bit, 'cause the speed at which Twilight is becoming enraptured with this completely alien being is a little OOC. Curiousity, I could understand, especially from Twi. I could even understand a certain degree of respect and admiration, he did just save her and her friends, but... she knows nothing about him, she's the rational sort of pony with little to no experience in relationships, he's a freakin' alien she knows nothing about... and save her and her friends or not, he just murdered several sentient beings in front of her.

Also unless Celestia has encountered aliens before and has a reason she's being remarkably... undiplomatic. I'm not saying her actions are wrong, she's being cautious and protective of her subjects, BUT, she's not the sort to act so rudely or brusquely in what she has to realize is a first contact scenario. There's no reason to be rude, especially when the individual in question is cooperating and even being remarkably polite, and Princess Celestia is a shrewd enough diplomatic operator to recognize that.

All in all, it's not bad. I wouldn't bother with constructive criticism if I didn't think you had something interesting here. These are just hopefully helpful suggestions.

Good luck, bro.

1016918 It's the best? I think you should look at the other ones then.

Though it is a pretty damn good one.

I will have to say that even with the errors, this story has captivated me ... and it's only chapter 2. I look forward to the rest!

I'm sorry, but the whole "explaining what/who he is" sequence just seemed really rushed...
but maybe that's because I read so fast.

what a bitch.

1203938

In fact, a lot of this story seems rushed. Is not a bad, tough it could be better.

hmm, unlimited power and ability and he gives in to a big white talking horse
That's some epic self restraint right there
i would be like, "fuck yo shackles, i didn't save lives for dis shyt. Now i want to go to the big castle, have myself some turkey bacon and sunny side eggs and THEN we can talk"

If I was there I ain't going to sleep In no dungeon

Well, since you've done a rewrite, and I never read the original, I'll just comment on what you have up now. There were a few grammar and spelling errors (mostly spelling), but not enough to really detract from the story, so good job on that part. There were a few things towards the end of this chapter that started stretching the edges of believably when it came to certain character interactions though.

The first is Nathan being pushed out of the carriage once they arrive in Canterlot. If Rainbow Dash could buck him in the face and not even make him twitch, how did anything push him out of the carriage with enough force to actually make him fall on his face?

Clarify his restraints. He moves around an awful lot for someone who's supposedly "restrained", particularly when it came to catching Twilight and getting up again after being pushed over.

Celestia seems......unusually harsh. I fully agree with her not trusting him, detaining him for questioning, all that sort of thing. My issue is that she comes off as having a rather petty cruel streak that clashes rather badly with everything seen of her in the show, particularly in the moments when she looks smug about him being restrained and when she didn't allow anyone to help him up after her guards knocked him over. In a similar vein to that, even if she doesn't completely understand the details of what he told her in his explanation, she would understand that he is a very dangerous creature with technology far beyond anything in Equestria and that she herself doesn't even begin to understand. Going from that knowledge to the belief that simple handcuffs would be enough to restrain him, without even asking Twilight or the other Elements what they know about how he fought and what kind of abilities he demonstrated feels remarkably careless on her part. As it is now, this was her thought process: "I have no idea who you are, what you are, what you're capable of, or anything about you.........but you're obviously dangerous, so these handcuffs should be plenty to ensure not only my safety, but the safety of everyone else as well." They didn't even check him for weapons, or take any kind of precautions as to what his armor is capable of.

The final thing is the romance angle. You seem to be really, really pushing it on the reader that it's gonna happen. I don't have any problem with the fact that the ta is there, or that it's part of the story, or anything like that, but pacing is important. Particularly in a situation like this one. Everything that happened in the tree was fine, she kind of thought he wasn't bad looking, particularly in comparison to the other aliens, and the rest of it was mostly her curiosity getting the better of her. Even Almya's comments aren't an issue since she's just teasing him and intentionally over-hyping Twilight's reactions to mess with Nathan. The part where it kind of broke down for me was her internal monologue about how he had a "heart of gold". She literally has nothing to base that on. True, he saved them and treated Pinkie's wounds, but that doesn't change the fact that she's never really had to confront death or real combat and just watched him kill a rather large group of creatures mostly unarmed. It just feels really....off to have her see that and then immediately jump to the conclusion that he's totally the nicest guy ever (especially that line about how he seemed nicer than other humans, she really had no basis for that one). Basically, just slow it down a bit on the whole romance front. Let her get a chance to actually know him before Twilight decides that he's the best thing ever.

Anyway, nitpicking aside, I'm off to read the rest of the chapters you have up. I'll probably have more things to say once I'm through with them, so be prepared for another wall-o-text, and hopefully some of that rambling I did up at the beginning of this was useful to you.

Okay, let's slow down on the whole 'romance' thing. It's cute and while I believe Twilight to be the type to get infatuated with anything so new and different, let's not rush it. Other than that, pretty cool. I'll be sure to follow this!

3129322

...Truthfully, every Human/Alien-Goes-To-Equestria fic I've read did the same thing...Always in the Everfree...
...I guess it's the only spot in Ponyville where the ponies and *most* animals can't be harmed...

Let's put something in perspective, Shetland ponies on average weigh 600-700 lbs, Nathan picked up pinkie like she was a sack of sand and carried her from the crash site to the library at a brisk pace, this is either a great example of spartan abilities or an oversight of the author, I like to think it's the prior

On a side note I don't like how it's mentioned that twilight never reads myths where in the first ep of the first season she is reading a book that is just that
I don't think she would disregard a book about that subject matter and especially after that one zecora episode

4268387 a spartan could flip an elephant which is like several thousand tons.

4388165 32 tons

If one of these creatures was ever found on Earth, they'd probably be shot on sight. Humanity was too xenophobic for their own good.

aaaand so much for any hope for this fanfic. I'll be going now, i don't tolerate misanthropy, or stupidity. and that's not even mentioning absurdly frequent OOC moments of the ponies, especially from Celestia. no bueno.

4268387
The ponies in the show are like four times smaller than real life ponies.