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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Kewl.
You used "Life" three times in just the very first sentence of your short description. That's your first impression, the very first thing that 98% of everyone who sees your story is gonna see.
8580076
...huh... I did not see that....
8580180
So far you didn't misspell anything so that's a good sign but you see to forget to add words in the middle of sentences which makes them feel blocky and incomplete or some words are added out of the blue like you rewrote the sentence multiple times and forgot to erase them and lastly you seem to have forgotten the “Literary Past Tense” rule. For example
turned
why the unrelated “I”
in front of them levitated
filled
walked
grabbed
I looked to the parents
and then back to the unicorn in my hand
8619569
... wow, thank you for the help!!!
8619569
Fixed!
You use commas a bit too often. Go over your sentences a few times, try reading them aloud and figuring out which commas should be replaced with periods and which commas should remain.
Wait...one? THERE’S MORE!?!?!
8707350
Hai
This is a very interesting story and I like it.
Spooky, but cool
Amazing