Okay...I'm not trying to bash at this story, I'm giving my opinion...but What. The. Crap, did I just read? I mean...the paragraphs are tight with words-- thats not a good thing. I can barely read without getting lost and off track...also, how is he a 'King' of a entire civilization. Alpha of six diamond dogs, I can believe....but a entire civilization. HOW!? When did that happen!? Another thing is...the links, I know you're trying to show how things work-- but its hard to read with them glaring at me, seeming so...out of place, if you place a link on a word, like the underground place with the link to it-- I can read it along.
As for the dream sequence....What? just...what? I'm sorry but...its just so, SUDDEN! like we just gotten over the fact with the MC that he's mated to six diamond dogs, and suddenly a entire civilization/city-- and SUDDENLY related to Luna?
Again I'm not trying to bash at this....but timing is needed as theres not enough character development, it's like what DO we know of these six girls? Beside them looking different with their different names...do they just...sit around the house and look sexy? all we know is that they adore the guy and thats it...
You're rushing the story and with the squeezed paragraphs its easy to get lost. I'm not trying to say you did a horrible job or anything...but even though I'm horrible in grammar...at least I try a attempt to get the readers to focus on the story and sense of the story.
Because...good lord, this was a sudden left field for me!
8371107 So what if he's rushing it people r probably constantly telling him to make more over and over again. Also the links r for people who would like a better idea of what he's describing hell not everybody is good at describing stuff and mate for all we know he could be trying to get this done and do work/school. Gravestone work at your pace also this IS AWSOME!!!😁😁😁
timeskip already huh?, well okay I wait for how you do it, I ust hope you have shown all the important character metings with his pack in the story.
I still like this, but some moments appear as a bit strange to me.
"If you want I could also teach you the Heimlich maneuver that ones for someone who is choking on food or something trapped in their throat," I said as she scribbled down everything I said.
Like this one. I mean yes this may be a rather early Equestria here, but it is strange to think of many ponies just dying from a piece of bread with what I'm used from mlp.
I know I don't like it either if it feels like "the world (including friends, harmleh ss pranks and enemies) against the main char with the main char being a wimp, but this somehow just happens. Not sure how to say it right now, I guess some of the other comments explain it pretty good.
I can barely read without getting lost and off track...also, how is he a 'King' of a entire civilization. Alpha of six diamond dogs, I can believe....but a entire civilization. HOW!? When did that happen!?
I agree and think that the timeskip doesn't really works here. I honestly expected him to start his own pack or simply stay with his main family. ( I probably forgot parts of the earlier chapters).
Again I'm not trying to bash at this....but timing is needed as theres not enough character development, it's like what DO we know of these six girls? Beside them looking different with their different names...do they just...sit around the house and look sexy? all we know is that they adore the guy and thats it...
again I agree, it is kind of to soon for everything, this way it somehow feels like it just happens....even his sudden primal? thoughts probably feel just out of place because one this is a bit rushed.
Maybe for how they lived the Girls are a bit to good in the whole houshold thing?
8371186 well he can get only better if at least one is telling him what is wrong, I mean we can be nice about it like he did.
8371186 *Takes a breath and clap hands* when I say, place a link with a word...I mean something like... 'this' What he did is...basically put the link there, it would make it a bit easier for people to notice the link on the word itself to click on instead of the...glaring eyesight. Also why it might be true he has a lot of stuff to do...there's just so much that doesn't make sense!
Its like a timeskip that forgot to inform the audience of how and when-- not to mention...the dream sequence and him being a king of a entire civilization STILL doesn't make sense on when that happen!
Its like reading a series and the author just decided to put in some 'plot reveal' that was so left field, that it doesn't make sense HOW it happen. How did he even gain the right to be King? or even more-- be related to luna and be a werewolf of some sort? How?!
8371107 ok if you didn't read the other 2 chapters the dogs them selves a "wolf" with the name Rougaruo will be reborn and lead all of them again as a king and his name alone is holy to them and a sign on who the king wolf that will lead i mean his mates bowed to him when he told them his name and the pacing is fine and it makes it so he can get to the more important stuff sooner and no he isn't SUDDENLY related to Luna the last chapter showed luna went to his world had sex then a kid then had to return to equestria and i think you are jumping to the rushing story thing a little to fast cause so far he only set a foundation for the story even if it is a little unorthodox opening 3 chapters
oh and yes my grammar suck and i don't care ..........just getting that out of the way.
8371359 okay...that make some sense...although in hindsight with how clenched the paragraphs are? Its easily to look over the details with them to close.
8371359 Thank you and rcmboy47 for your comments but to help clear up some things for BronyofMeddlers and everypony else the reason he has a territory I wrote it like you would see with a pride of lions when a new male shows up and outs the previous one the new male gets the territory. And as for the dogs how I had Fetch speak the dogs were not citizens but servants to Ceaser so when Rougaruo said they were his people not his slaves they chose to follow him and as for being in Equestria I read, listened, and watch so many things where Celestia says every where you can see is Equestria or our land but since you can't see underground that means it's not Equestria. And since Diamond Dogs are to a point subterranean their world is mostly below the surface.
very large deposit of iron ore with that I had to talk to Celestia about. And the most
\ never put a Period pered in front of an "and"
Twi sent a letter to Celestia about what happened. And to my surprise
never put a Period pered in front of an "and"
What did you do back there with Sona I mean she wasn't even breathing and the things you did blowing into her mouth and pushing on her chest what was that?"
Well you not too far off some times it's called the breath of life but the real name is Cardiopulmonary resuscitation or just CPR for short and if you like I can teach you how to do it,"
there was no quotation mark in the beginning
Putting my weight against it tried again but the door stood firm.
I
"Too bad, it didn't work," Tiberius said with an evil grin.
There's nothing wrong with this but just wanted to say the most badass reply to this is "Your right it is to ba for you. If she died then I probably would have been too grief stricken to notice your shifty ass. But she lived and as such my mind is clear to ask you questions in the most "persuasive" way possible.(This version probably would have had more torture in it.)
There are numerous errors but they do not detract from the story like other stories have had the misfortune of having. I don't see why there are 111 negative reviews.
8373227 I did look back at that spot and the only quotation marks I see are from the previous sentence and the one from the end
"Um, Wolf can I ask you something," Twilight said only to see me nod my head. What did you do back there with Sona I mean she wasn't even breathing and the things you did blowing into her mouth and pushing on her chest what was that?" She asked as a pen and parchment appeared in her magic.
The other quotation mark should have been before the "what".
Ok this started somewhat good, but now it feels like im trying to outrun a train trough a tunnel.
This story is going to die, if you do not slow down a lot; this chapter should have been in my oppinion at least 3 diferent ones. You really need to slow down
racism goes both ways, knew a black man married a white german woman, his parents were the only ones that had a problem, when grandkids. born they refused to acknowledge them, because they were mixed.
...WTF? Just...wha? Huh? *takes deep breath*
Okay...I'm not trying to bash at this story, I'm giving my opinion...but What. The. Crap, did I just read? I mean...the paragraphs are tight with words-- thats not a good thing. I can barely read without getting lost and off track...also, how is he a 'King' of a entire civilization. Alpha of six diamond dogs, I can believe....but a entire civilization. HOW!? When did that happen!? Another thing is...the links, I know you're trying to show how things work-- but its hard to read with them glaring at me, seeming so...out of place, if you place a link on a word, like the underground place with the link to it-- I can read it along.
As for the dream sequence....What? just...what? I'm sorry but...its just so, SUDDEN! like we just gotten over the fact with the MC that he's mated to six diamond dogs, and suddenly a entire civilization/city-- and SUDDENLY related to Luna?
Again I'm not trying to bash at this....but timing is needed as theres not enough character development, it's like what DO we know of these six girls? Beside them looking different with their different names...do they just...sit around the house and look sexy? all we know is that they adore the guy and thats it...
You're rushing the story and with the squeezed paragraphs its easy to get lost. I'm not trying to say you did a horrible job or anything...but even though I'm horrible in grammar...at least I try a attempt to get the readers to focus on the story and sense of the story.
Because...good lord, this was a sudden left field for me!
8371107
So what if he's rushing it people r probably constantly telling him to make more over and over again. Also the links r for people who would like a better idea of what he's describing hell not everybody is good at describing stuff and mate for all we know he could be trying to get this done and do work/school.
Gravestone work at your pace also this IS AWSOME!!!😁😁😁
timeskip already huh?, well okay I wait for how you do it, I ust hope you have shown all the important character metings with his pack in the story.
I still like this, but some moments appear as a bit strange to me.
Like this one.
I mean yes this may be a rather early Equestria here, but it is strange to think of many ponies just dying from a piece of bread with what I'm used from mlp.
I know I don't like it either if it feels like "the world (including friends, harmleh ss pranks and enemies) against the main char with the main char being a wimp, but this somehow just happens.
Not sure how to say it right now, I guess some of the other comments explain it pretty good.
8371107
I agree and think that the timeskip doesn't really works here. I honestly expected him to start his own pack or simply stay with his main family. ( I probably forgot parts of the earlier chapters).
again I agree, it is kind of to soon for everything, this way it somehow feels like it just happens....even his sudden primal? thoughts probably feel just out of place because one this is a bit rushed.
Maybe for how they lived the Girls are a bit to good in the whole houshold thing?
8371186
well he can get only better if at least one is telling him what is wrong, I mean we can be nice about it like he did.
... The only issue I have is with punctuation.
You need to use your commas and apostrophes.
8371186 *Takes a breath and clap hands* when I say, place a link with a word...I mean something like... 'this' What he did is...basically put the link there, it would make it a bit easier for people to notice the link on the word itself to click on instead of the...glaring eyesight. Also why it might be true he has a lot of stuff to do...there's just so much that doesn't make sense!
Its like a timeskip that forgot to inform the audience of how and when-- not to mention...the dream sequence and him being a king of a entire civilization STILL doesn't make sense on when that happen!
Its like reading a series and the author just decided to put in some 'plot reveal' that was so left field, that it doesn't make sense HOW it happen. How did he even gain the right to be King? or even more-- be related to luna and be a werewolf of some sort? How?!
8371107
ok if you didn't read the other 2 chapters the dogs them selves a "wolf" with the name Rougaruo will be reborn and lead all of them again as a king and his name alone is holy to them and a sign on who the king wolf that will lead i mean his mates bowed to him when he told them his name and the pacing is fine and it makes it so he can get to the more important stuff sooner and no he isn't SUDDENLY related to Luna the last chapter showed luna went to his world had sex then a kid then had to return to equestria and i think you are jumping to the rushing story thing a little to fast cause so far he only set a foundation for the story even if it is a little unorthodox opening 3 chapters
oh and yes my grammar suck and i don't care ..........just getting that out of the way.
8371359 okay...that make some sense...although in hindsight with how clenched the paragraphs are? Its easily to look over the details with them to close.
8371359
Thank you and rcmboy47 for your comments but to help clear up some things for BronyofMeddlers and everypony else the reason he has a territory I wrote it like you would see with a pride of lions when a new male shows up and outs the previous one the new male gets the territory. And as for the dogs how I had Fetch speak the dogs were not citizens but servants to Ceaser so when Rougaruo said they were his people not his slaves they chose to follow him and as for being in Equestria I read, listened, and watch so many things where Celestia says every where you can see is Equestria or our land but since you can't see underground that means it's not Equestria. And since Diamond Dogs are to a point subterranean their world is mostly below the surface.
8371406
YAY new chapter
I can not wait for the next chapter The story became interesting
This chapter was epicly awesome the end really tocths my heart I can't wait to see what's going to happen next.
\
never put a Period pered in front of an "and"
never put a Period pered in front of an "and"
there was no quotation mark in the beginning
I
There's nothing wrong with this but just wanted to say the most badass reply to this is "Your right it is to ba for you. If she died then I probably would have been too grief stricken to notice your shifty ass. But she lived and as such my mind is clear to ask you questions in the most "persuasive" way possible.(This version probably would have had more torture in it.)
There are numerous errors but they do not detract from the story like other stories have had the misfortune of having. I don't see why there are 111 negative reviews.
So he is a werwolf not many storys of them great work can't wait for more
8373227 I did look back at that spot and the only quotation marks I see are from the previous sentence and the one from the end
The other quotation mark should have been before the "what".
8373921
i miss read i thought it said question sorry
Man I like the story so far can't wait to see the next chapter good job keep it up
Ok this started somewhat good, but now it feels like im trying to outrun a train trough a tunnel.
This story is going to die, if you do not slow down a lot; this chapter should have been in my oppinion at least 3 diferent ones.
You really need to slow down
Really good story, I cant wait more! Sorry i cant do a full comment, im on mobile not pc rn, and texting is harder that typing XD
when is zed next chapter?
Wait, if he is an immortal werewolf, can he also infect others too?
racism goes both ways, knew a black man married a white german woman, his parents were the only ones that had a problem, when grandkids. born they refused to acknowledge them, because they were mixed.