Homecoming

by Rose Quill

Chapter Four - Remembrance

We had both been given fairly comfortable rooms furnished with cozy beds, down-filled pillows, and warm blankets. It was a little weird trying to sleep as a unicorn again, but it came to me rather quickly.

But what little sleep I got was anything but restful. My dreams were filled with disturbing images of me being grabbed by the nightmare-demon I had become, or of Midnight Sparkle laughing at me as I was torn apart by her magic, or of Princess Celestia banishing me with venom in her voice.

Of my mother, turning and walking away from me with anger and accusation in her eyes.

I woke up from the last one to find tears streaming down my face and the blankets twisted around my legs. I tilted my head back against the pillow and stared at the ceiling, sniffling as I just let the tears flow. No one could see me right now, and I didn’t have to play the tough girl. I could just be the filly that had just lost her mom. I rolled over and buried my face into my pillow to muffle the sound.

“Sunset? Are you awake?”

I looked at my door to find Twilight standing there. Her pale blue coat and glasses glimmered in the light from the hallway. Her mane looked somewhat haggard, well beyond what bed head would have been. She must have had trouble getting comfortable.

Wiping tears away quickly and making it look like I was wiping sleep from my eyes, I turned fully towards the woman-turned-mare. “Yeah, Twi, what’s up, besides you?”

She slowly walked into the room, a sheepish look on her face.

“I can’t really get comfortable. I’m still getting used to all the new sensations and..." she held up her forehooves in a helpless gesture. "It's more difficult than I thought. I was wondering if we could talk.”

I closed my eyes and tilted my head down slightly. “It’s late, Twilight. But if will help you relax, sure.” I climbed out of bed and levitated a few cushions over to sit on, tugging the blanket along with me to ward off the night chill. Twilight came over and awkwardly sat on one of the cushions. I sat near her, pulling the blanket over both of us and giving her a quick smile that I hoped was reassuring. “What’s on your mind?”

She fidgeted slightly and reached up with a forehoof, adjusting her glasses in a similar way that she always did when nervous. “I’m just worried about meeting the Princess. Celestia, that is. I don’t know anything about the proper decorum for meeting royalty here. Or royalty in general! What if I embarrass you? What if I offend her? What if I ruin your chance at mending things? Was my coming along really a good idea?” Her voice started to get higher as she sped up, obviously panicking.

I leaned over and touched my horn to hers, making her gasp as I channeled a little magic into it. Her breathing slowed and she calmed down a little. When I leaned back, she looked at me curiously.

“What was that?” she asked quickly. “It felt like a combination of getting a hug and hot chocolate on a cold day.”

“Mom used to do that whenever any of us got upset,” I said, the memories flooding back, bringing a wistful smile as my mind's eye conjured the image of my sisters and I romping in the yard. “She would push happy thoughts through her magic and use it to calm us down. My two sisters and I figured out how to do it ourselves when we needed to, but it never felt as good as Moms. Kind of like cooking, it’s never quite as good as your parent’s.

“But as far as Princess Celestia and court decorum goes, she’s rather forgiving about social faux pas, especially in private. Since you aren't a subject of hers, you would technically be exempt from shows of fealty, but if it would make you feel better, when we enter the room, remain silent until she acknowledges you. She tends to do several things at once, so just be patient. When she acknowledges our presence, just bow your head. If you get a grip on it by then, bend one foreleg and stretch the other out in front of you as you bow your head. Outside of that, there isn’t anything else. Just be respectful and you should be fine.” The words soured in my mouth as I remembered how opposite of that I had been the last few days. My hateful and demanding words thrust sharply back into my mind, along with Celestia's face from the final day I had been here.

I deserve to stand beside you and be your equal, if not your better! Make me a Princess!

Twilight leaned forward and touched her horn to mine, waking me from my reverie. I felt a small surge of magic from her and saw a slight glow coat her horn, but nothing else. I still smiled, despite the feeling of tears on my muzzle. “Sorry, old memories, you know?”

She smiled back and shifted again, apparently finally finding a comfortable position. “You never really talk about your past,” she said. “Beyond what the girls have told me prior to my transferring into Canterlot High, we don’t really know much about you, Sunset.”

“I’m really not proud of a lot of my actions before I came to CHS. I'm actually not all that proud of some of my actions since, to be honest, either. I was arrogant, entitled, and overly ambitious. Some of the guards here used to be attached to the Royal Palace, and I’ve heard some of them talk about how I left Celestia’s tutelage under my own choices. But the truth is I was dismissed after sneaking into the most restricted section of the palace’s library and learning about the mirror after being expressly forbidden to do so. She had shown it to me a few moons earlier as part of an attempted lesson in humility - one that never sunk in until I took a rainbow-colored laser to the face.”

I sighed. “That day, I thought I saw something in the mirror, two faint images. One was likely a delusion of grandeur, an image of myself as an Alicorn. The other, however, I realize now was an image of myself as a human.

“I pestered the princess every day for more information on the mirror and she always responded with I wasn’t ready yet. But, true to form, I thought I was and she dismissed me when I stepped over the line. But instead of taking my lumps, I made for the mirror. The rest you know.”

I felt another tear slip down my muzzle. “And sometimes I think I haven’t really moved past that point. No matter how far I've come, no matter what I can do, it will never be enough to make up for all the mistakes I’ve made.” I dashed the tear from my face with a rueful chuckle. “But I guess we’ll find out tomorrow, won't we?”

“I still have nightmares, you know,” came a quiet voice.

I looked over at Twilight. She was looking down, seeming smaller than usual.

“Midnight Sparkle still shows up to taunt me from time to time. Even though I know I’ve made up for it against Gloriosa, just like you did against the Sirens, and by saving me from myself.”

“But you can’t move on, can you?” she asked. “Not fully, and not in any way quick. I was only lost for a few minutes six months ago and I’m still suffering from time to time. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”

She shifted closer and pressed the top of her head against the underside of mine. My heart started to race as she did so. She continued on, unaware of the import of her actions. Not to mention she came dangerously close to poking her horn into my eye. I shifted slightly as she continued.

“But do you know what’s helping me? Having forgiven myself and owning up to the mistakes.”

I thought on that for a long time. I thought I had forgiven myself, but what if all I had done was accept forgiveness from my friends?

"And why did the magic change us the way it did? I don't think good magic would have been so dangerous."

"I've been thinking on that too," I said as she shifted slightly, laying her head on her forelegs. "I think the Elements of Harmony and the magic they embody could have taken virtues of ourselves and warped them, my ambition and your curiosity. Since we weren't the rightful bearers, the magic took the path of least resistance and we were overwhelmed by the influx of power." I chuckled a bit. "It was all I wanted until I got it, and it turned me into something I don't like thinking of. And I was used to magic and its quirks. I can't imagine what it was like for you, Twilight." When I didn't get a response, I glanced down. "Twilight?"

I was answered by a quiet snore by the sleeping unicorn next to me. I smiled and pulled the blanket up over her.

“Sleep sweet, Sunshine,” I whispered.

---

“Ahem,” a voice said the next morning, startling me awake. I blinked rapidly to see a tiny dragon standing before me, a curious smile on his face.

I blushed as I realized that I was lying next to the still snoozing form of the alternate Twilight. I snapped upright hurriedly and grinned sheepishly.

“Hey, Spike,” I said, speaking rapidly. “Twilight here had trouble getting to sleep, and we just talked and fell asleep.”

“I just came to say that Twilight - my Twilight that is - is providing breakfast for you before you head to the meet your sisters and the Princess.” He hesitated. “Do you want me to get the gang, go with you for support?”

I smiled at the tiny dragon. “I’d appreciate that, Spike, but I’d rather let them make their own choice about attending.”

After rousing a sleepy unicorn, we headed to the main hall and enjoyed a light meal of oats and fruit. The Princess and scientist kept chatting amicably about similarities in their lives and families and Twilight soon made the offer to show Sunshine how to use her magic to make her visit a little more manageable. I wasn't paying attention to the conversation, but the food.

The simple food tasted better than many meals in the alternate world. I wondered about the biological reasoning, but underlying my thoughts were two facts:

I still had to face Celestia, and I still had to say goodbye to my mother.

Author's Note:

According to the Kübler-Ross model, there are five stages of grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Thus far Sunset had been in the first stage, and likely won't pass beyond it in the next chapter.

I believe there are also five stages to forgiveness and love, and both are mirrors of each other. They begin with denial and end with acceptance, but the interim steps are somewhat wibbily-wobbily, never following the same pattern. But they always end the same way.

I'm pretty sure I've taken up enough of you time with this philosophical stuff. There won't be any more authors's notes until near the end.

Comments

[Snowdrifter]

The author's note was very...
( Wait for it ...)
...filly-sophical!

[Rose Quill]

7829576

I approve this pun. Good show!

[JetstreamGW]

Those five stages were observations on people's behavior as they coped with the reality of their own impending deaths. And they aren't presented in any particular order.

[Rose Quill]

7877961

Yeah. The original title for this was 'Five Stages' and had slightly different planned path, focusing on Sunny's path through the funeral and ending shortly after.

Then the cast mutinied and took over, leaving me as only the recorder of events.

[OmniFox]

Wonder if bongos are legal in Equestria?

[Rose Quill]

7957499

.....

Huh?

[BenRG]

Sunset went through a prolonged and transformative psychotic episode during which time (measured in years) she hurt lots of people and took delight in doing so. It's hard to imagine the level of guilt from which she suffers as a result.

[Spirit of Harmony]

7957367
I know the feeling

[Spirit of Harmony]

7957499

7957510
I agree with allykitty. Wat?

[Witchrblizzad]

7957499

I won't question the randomness of this question Omnifox. However, I wish to know the reason for this question.

[ScisetShimmerEvan]

It sure was cute seeing sci twi helping sunset out with what she's going through.