The Un-magician Destroys the Castle of Friendship
What was I doing? I couldn’t possibly be stuffing the Princess of Friendship into her own closet.
That would be insane.
“Sorry!” I muttered one last time as I folded her up like a pretzel between a mop bucket and a crate of “Playdrake” magazines. For a moment, I wondered what it said about Twilight and Spike that he felt totally safe stashing his private materials in the cleaning closet. Maybe, in a way, stuffing her in there was a kind of poetic justice. Yeah, I was just going to go with that.
I forced the door closed, and gave the handle a few good bucks to jam it in place. Hopefully that would buy me a few more seconds when the former Princess of Friendship woke up and became the Princess of Punting Me to the Moon. I really, really, hoped I could be far away from here by then. Taking a deep breath, I took a quick glance around.
The situation was pretty bad. Even with Twilight stuffed away for the moment, anypony who stepped into the hallway would immediately notice the piles of books tossed around and tapestries that had been torn from the walls. It looked like a battle had taken place, which technically it had. And, of course, even if they thought it was just an accident, I’d stuffed an unconscious princess right into the custodial closet in case they tried to clean up. Amazing planning, Humble Pie, amazing flipping planning.
“Humble? Humble, what happened? Did she buy the story?”
I spent a moment glaring at my dropped saddlebags, and the magic radio stashed within. Wait, no, un-magic. It was an important distinction, seeing as magic could actually be useful sometimes. I grumbled and picked it up, fumbling with it in my hooves until I could hold it to my mouth.
“No, she did not," I said. "So now I stuffed her in a closet. What should I do now, oh great and wise benefactor?”
“A closet? I mean, good for you on beating up a princess, but I always preferred pantries.”
“Oh, shut up!” I resisted the very strong urge to fling the radio across the room. “What do I do now? The moment somepony sees this, I’m done! I’m going to be locked up! No, I’m going to be exiled--”
“And then locked up in the place you’ve been exiled to, yeah yeah. Do you ponies have a thing for repetition or something? Look, we can work with this. Do you still have the gear in your bags?”
“I--” I couldn’t rub my temples with the stupid radio in my hooves. “Yes, yes I do.”
“Okay, what you want to do is, first, go to Twilight’s bedroom--”
I stared at the scene before me and felt an odd sort of disgust at the whole thing. I wasn’t sure if I felt more insulted for myself, or for Spike. Still, as my benefactor was fond of pointing out, it wasn’t like I had any better ideas. With a sigh that felt like it was taking my soul with it, I adjusted the card and socks one last time, making sure they were clearly visible in the middle of the hall, and gave them one last splash of chloroform for good measure. My mouthwriting didn’t even look like Twilight’s, especially in crayon.
Dear Spike,
I loaned these socks to Rarity, and she says she washed them, but I swear they still smell like her. What do you think?
Twilight
Somehow I felt the hero of the Crystal Empire deserved a bit better. Especially when he seemed to already be a glorified maid.
“Don’t sigh at me,” my radio benefactor said. “I’m telling you, it’ll work.”
“I… sure, fine.” I sat and rubbed my temples, glad I had my saddlebags again to hold that infernal radio for me. “What else do I need to do before I’m hurled into the depths of the cosmos?”
“Okay, did you see the second story bathroom?”
“I haven’t even been to the second story yet!" I said. "How could I possibly see the second story bathroom?”
“I’ve never been to the second story either and I saw it.”
“I… you...” I fought the urge to scream. “You’re some kind of un-magic extradimensional something-or-other!”
“So?”
I succumbed to the urge to scream.
“Okay, ow. That was loud,” my radio said. “Also, hate to nag, but get to the bathroom. Quickly now.”
“Nnngh!” I took off at a trot, having to wander around a few blind corners before finally stumbling onto the stairs to the second story. I then had to rinse and repeat until I found the bathroom. It was actually kind of modest considering everything I’d seen. There wasn’t even a hot tub. “Okay, what now?”
“I need you to relieve yourself.”
I stared blankly at the radio. “What?”
“You know, I was kind of hoping you’d be past that question at this point.”
“Sorry," I said. "But relieve yourself is a bit too much to let slide. Why the flip do I need to relieve myself?”
“Because it would be worse to do it later.”
I screamed again.
“Okay,” my radio said. “That time I was ready. Still, seriously, you are going to regret it if you do not relieve yourself now.”
“I...” I pressed my hooves to my temples and tried to crush my own skull. I failed. “Ffffffffine.”
“So,” I asked, drying my hooves and stepping out of the restroom. “What exactly did we accomplish with this embarrassing diversion?”
Whatever my radio’s response was, it was lost as a purple ball of scaly fury launched itself into my mane. It might have been screaming something at me, or I might have just been screaming enough for the both of us. My radio might have been screaming too, I couldn’t tell.
The confusion only got worse when I somehow stumbled off one of the second story staircases, beginning a long and painful ride for the both of us. On the plus side, as an earth pony, I was at least made of semi-solid stuff. I know I would have hated to take a fall like that and land on a horn or wing. Even better, the final impact actually knocked Spike off my head, and only nearly dislocated half my legs.
“Oooohhhg. I love you too, gravity.” I stumbled to my still-working hooves, trying to slow the spinning in my skull. As my eyes finally figured out how to sit still, it struck me that I’d far and away gotten the better of our exchange. Across from me, Spike looked much like you’d expect after having pony four times his weight land on him. It didn’t help that I’d done it multiple times, thanks to the magic of stairs. I knew I should probably count my blessings he’d been taken out, but I was a little worried he might actually be hurt.
I poked him with my hoof. “You alive?”
“Nnnnnnnh,” his eyes fluttered open, and he lifted a claw dramatically. “You might have beaten me, but you’ll never get away with this! Whatever… this is.” He slumped back. “I’m gonna pass out now.”
“You do that.” I almost gave him a pat on the head, before it occurred to me that pressing on his head might not be the best thing after taking a flight of stairs to the face.
“Okay,” my radio said. “Sounds like things have gone according to plan. Now head to the front of the castle where you left the socks.”
“...but I was just attacked by Spike," I said. "The socks didn’t work.”
“The socks didn’t work on him.”
“I...” I considered trying to crush my own skull again, but I wasn’t sure it was up to the strain anymore. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”
“Only if you don’t have a sense of humor!”
“...I hate you.” I sighed and dragged myself down the hallway, awaiting the latest twist in the disaster my life had become.
I was not disappointed when I rounded the corner to find an unconscious Princess Celestia sitting in the hallway, a pair of socks over her nose.
“I… I don’t even care anymore.” I simply stared at her. “I have lost the capacity to care.”
“Good, because you’re going to be dragging her into the Court of Friendship,” my radio said.
“Okay.” I grabbed her mane in my mouth, and started hauling her along. It was strange how it kept trying to wave about in my mouth, and it didn’t help that it tasted like ozone. As delicious at it looked, aurora was not good eating.
“Oh, hold up,” my radio said as I passed Spike. “Tell him where you stashed Twilight.”
“Hey Spike,” I said as I dropped the unconscious Celestia at my hooves. “I stashed Twilight in the custodial closet.”
He bounced up like he’d been electrocuted. “You did what?!” In the space of a blink, he was gone.
“Okay, keep dragging her,” my radio said.
I shrugged and did so. At this point, either my benefactor was completely on point, and I was totally safe, or I was so far past dead they probably would have to bury me six thousand feet under. Considering that Twilight was probably going to wake up soon, she might just put me there herself. I heard she was really good at teleportation.
I finally managed to drag Celestia all the way to the table of friendship, dumping her unceremoniously on the floor in front of it. I had to scrub at my mouth for a minute to get all the still waving mane hairs out. I could not describe how strange that felt. I took a moment to look at her and once again contemplate my transcendent deadness.
“Okay, coming up on the endgame. Still got the disk I sent you?” my radio asked.
“Yeah.” I dug around in my bag, and pulled out the strange silver disk. I’d kind of wondered why, out of all the things he could have sent to our world, he’d sent me that stupid radio and this stupid disk. “I’ve got it.”
“Good, now I need you to climb on top of the table, hold the disk right in front of you, and look like you’re going to do something dramatic with it to Celestia. Feel free to make up something to say if you want to, but you must convince Twilight that this disk is the most evil thing ever. Also, make sure that you can see the far edge of the chandelier in the reflection on your side.”
In a way, I was kind of glad that I had transcended panic. I could almost admire how complete my doom was. Still, I suppose if I was going to go out, I could at least go out in style. I started to think of something clever and ominous to say.
A minute later, Twilight Sparkle burst into the room, and I suddenly understood why my benefactor had made me take a bathroom break. Peeing myself all over Twilight Sparkle’s table was not the way I wanted to go out. Incidentally, Twilight made for an amazingly angry alicorn. The blazing flames in the place of her mane were an especially nice touch.
She took one look at Celestia, then at me, and I could only guess that I’d cracked a few of Spike’s ribs to boot. Her horn proceeded to glow so brightly that I had to squint. “I've had enough!”
She fired her beam right at the silver rainbow disk I held. The beam bounced off it, splitting into dozens of multicolored patterns that streamed across the table beneath me. For a second, I was transfixed by the dancing designs, their flashing patterns making my head buzz. Then the beam died out, and a tense silence settled on the room, broken only by the crackling of Twilight’s mane.
“Now,” my radio said, “If magic behaves as much like light as I think it does...”
The entire castle suddenly went dark. The table beneath me turned to a baleful red. A moment later, great red numbers flickered into the air before me. I jumped off the table as a ring of text formed around them, rotating slowly as the numbers began to tick down. On top of it all, a jaunty yet ominous tune began to play through the castle.
Self destruct sequence activated. Please evacuate.
“Haha! Suck on the power of seedy roms!” my radio said. “Also, you should probably start running.”
I didn’t need to be told twice. I took off down one of the side doors, leaving Twilight to deal with Celestia. I certainly hoped she decided to deal with Celestia. Otherwise she was going to be dealing with me.
As I sprinted down the hallways, the castle began to rumble ominously, crystalline dust drifting down from the ceiling. Fortunately, the pulsing red lights seemed to be moving down the halls, almost like a guide through the collapsing castle. I chased them along, my heart lifting as I saw light streaming from outside.
I burst through the frosted glass, and out onto a balcony.
“Oh flip me.” I darted my head left and right, but all around me was nothing but open air.
“Don’t panic,” my radio said. “Count the seventh crenelation from the left, and go squat down next to that.”
“Okay!” I immediately did, bracing against it. “What do I do from here?”
“You wait for the castle to explode.”
There was silence for a moment.
“Oh, flip you, you mother--”
The castle exploded.
So, today I had learned that it was possible to fall long enough to scream yourself hoarse. I also learned that there was enough solid mass in Cloudsdale for you to bounce off the city like a living pinball. Of course, you had to be flying fairly fast to achieve that bounce effect, but, lucky for me, I was going more than fast enough. I also learned that a mare could crash into an abandoned mattress warehouse and survive.
As I dragged myself through my front door, I wanted nothing more than to just lie down and sleep forever. After I showered, that was. Climbing the stairs was a special kind of agony, my knees pleading with me that they’d suffered enough for one day. Somehow, the promise of warm, cascading water convinced them to carry me just a little further.
I flopped into the shower without ceremony, and spent the first minute just glaring at the knobs and wishing that I’d been born a unicorn. I finally hauled myself upright, and turned the knob in my teeth, suffering through the first few seconds of icy cold until the water began to warm up. I sighed as I felt the soothing spray begin to wash the dirt and rubble from my coat, as well as the gallon of dye that I’d soaked into it. Slowly, I saw my natural pink began to come through, the soft rainbows of my mane following shortly afterward. I’d probably want get a new manecut fairly soon as well, just to make doubly sure nopony recognized me as the assailant of the crystal castle.
When I stepped out of the shower, I was back to my old self. Humble Pie stared back at me from the mirror, the pudgy, colorful, and unassuming Canterlot baker. The kind of pony nopony would know. The kind of pony who certainly never consorted with powers beyond the understanding of mere mortals.
Speaking of which, I should probably check on the ritual chamber before bed, especially since I’d lost my radio somewhere over the Everfree.
I stumbled back down the stairs, grumbling softly as I was forced to confront the fact that it had been my own idea to put the chamber down in the basement. What had seemed like a nice bit of traditionalism at the time was rapidly becoming a pain in the flank. By the time I pushed open the door, my body was begging for a break.
Too bad the ritual chamber wasn’t there anymore.
In its place was a walkway through a sea of storms. Clouds swirled in great planes above and below, a tower of stone and steel piercing them both from the walkway’s end. Lightning crackled between the sheets and across the tower, caught on great vanes like the branches of a tree. Every time they were struck, the tower thrummed with an inner light, great rivers of luminescence flaring upon its surface before ebbing back away.
I would have been in awe, had I not been more focused on what a flipping pain that walkway was going to be. Groaning, I dragged myself across it and into the tower proper. Within, there were more channels of light, flowing through ornate runes in the stone, and across branching channels in the steel. There was something to the stone and steel, two alternating themes unique to each that gave the sense that the tower was more cobbled together than built whole.
As I watched, a darkness began to ooze from the cracks and seams of the tower. It pooled together at the center of the ceiling, beginning to stretch down as it gathered, reaching further and further until it hung to the level of my eyes. The darkness twisted, taking on definition, forming into a head that managed to call to mind a dozen dozen different predators without ever being any of them. It grinned at me with a great sawtooth smile, and two eyes of white light opened above it.
“Was that cool or what?!” Announced the voice from my radio.
So this was it. The Lord of Whispers. That Which Watches. The Knocking at the Door, the Scratching in the Night. That which I had sworn in violation of all laws and order to serve. That which had sent me to destroy the castle of friendship, and so open the gates to our world.
“YOU BLEW ME UP,” I screamed at it.
I then punched it in the face.
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Oh my, oh dear, This looks quite interesting from the description alone! Such a very unique un-idea!
I guess even radios have their, ahem, kinks.
Celestia, ah, I don't know if you knew this, but un-magical socks are not muzzle warmers!
The potential of someone finding your porn is more than enough motivation to climb mountains, let alone pseudo-teleportation.
That sounds like the stupidest thing she could possibly do shy of actually assassinating Celestia. Naturally, she's going to do it.
I dunno, it might confuse Twilight enough for her to "huh?!" herself to death... What do you mean that's not a thing? It's totally a thing!
They're going to be the best of friends, I can feel it.
Just finished, and I have to say this is going to be a marvelous fic. I have absolutely no idea what is going on, and while that usually would make it hard to get engaged in something, I have to say this time it makes the fic interesting. Great job!
7669118 Yeah, it's been too long since I did weird stuff.
One chapter in and I can already tell that this is going to be amazing.
I could have sworn you were writing a different story before this one that you never finished which had a less funny version of this premise. Did you not like it and delete it or something?
7669181 Yeah, it flopped hard. I tore it all down and went back to scratch. Took me a while to realize that comedy made the whole thing run a whole lot smoother
Welp ruined spikes stash place, broke his ribs and gave him a concussion And destroyed his stash while potential making him blast off like team rocket, knocked out twilight and most likely revealed the truth about spike before making her destroy her own home... Two trees down. And finnally tricking and embarrassing royalty in a most pathetic way before kidnaping and using me as a hostage yeah.... The moons the least of worries, better hope your never found or the Suns your fate
Welp, me be ded now from laughing to hard. *le ded*
By any chance, have you ever read some Discworld novels? Might just be me but I sense a similar humor.
Is she Pinkie's daughter or something? I mean, I'm just making an educated guess by the description and her name, to be honest, but it still really sounds like that.
Don't tell me I'm the only one who thought that?
7669326
Got it. I liked the last one, but yeah, this is better.
I like to think that 'undead' is like going past 'dead' until you come out the other side. I'd really love to know how that would look like applied to magic.
In Soviet Equestria, you suck on Metroid.
With that reference, I have this feeling this story ought to be Human-tagged.
This is something I feel I have to follow just to see how weird it gets.
7670473 Nah, if "seedy rom" counted as a ref, the original show would have to be tagged "human" for doorknobs and balloons and hot dogs.
7669864 They are related, but I'll get into that later on.
7671079
Well, Equestria Girls is technically a Pony On Earth story.
I dunno, straight using Metroid music in-story may be stretching "reference" a bit, but it's ok, I'm not complaining about it. Just commenting on the feel it gave that section to me.
7671521 My personal feeling is that the youtube links are semi "unofficial" as the material doesn't actually exist in the text of the story itself.
But hey, it's whatever you, the audience, make of it
The story description and cover art REALLY undersell this one. I clicked expecting a low-key, academic sort of rom-com with minor adventure elements. Instead I got a Banishment Decree-esque over-the-top action comedy.
I feel mugged, author. I walked in with like four handfuls of attention in my pocket, and now you have all of it.
Seriously, though, jazz up that description. For example, spoiling the fact that she ganks two princesses and blows up a castle in the first chapter is a small price to pay to set expectations for your tone.
oml, I'm so glad I found this. I could've never expected something so genius to be here with that simple description