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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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In terms of incorrect grammar, the big one would be the title.
I think what you were looking for was 'The Beginning of a New Adventure'
7377865 Thanks for pointing that out. Changed it right away.
7378006
I haven't read the story, but I'd advise posting on one of the editing groups to get someone to look over your work in more detail. It'll do a lot of good for both you and your readers. If you don't know where to look, here's a link to the group I'm a part of. I hope that helps you out.
-Inkheart
7378033 Thanks for the suggestion. I'll be sure to use it next time.
This story has started out ok and it's a nice, straightforward beginning, but there are a few grammatical errors that could be fixed. An editor could clear that up pretty well! Good start
7378225 Thanks, I really appreciate that!
Hmmm I like it and you have a good start so far. I think you need to work on writing more details and keeping a steady pace
I like it but I thought Rainbow was staying with Twilight for the night.
7379545 The text stated ''Its already pretty late you could stay here and eat with me and Spike if you would want to,'' But I can see how ''late you could stay here'' Would make you think that. I'll change it right away. Thanks for pointing that out
7378991 Thanks. I have already started on the 2 chapter I'll try and keep that in mind.
7379554 good concept for a story now for the criticisms
1) the speache is rather robotic
its a lot of she said this then she said that, add some flavor to your speech describe some of the actions as there talking
for example
"Hey Twilight!" Rainbow dash called out to her friend,while a smile spread across her face as she galloped closer.
"Oh, Hello Rainbow Dash." The purple alicorn replied as she turned towards her friend, a similar smile appearing on her face.
''Twi I'm surprised to see you this late? '' Dash asked shooting a curious look at her friend. " I figured you would be at home by now? Especially with this storm that's due." she explained as she looked at the sky and the dark clouds that hung overhead.
''Oh, I... Kinda... Forgot to buy groceries the other day and I need to get to the store before it shuts to buy some Ingredients for dinner ,'' Twilight replied smiling looking away sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, and a blush adorning her cheeks.
''Oh... well Would you mind if I walked with you? I have nothing else to do at the moment and we could catch up a bit seeing as I missed the picnic today '' Rainbow asked with a grin, holding back her mirth at twilights explanation 'she probably had her head in one of those egghead books of hers again' she thought to herself.
''Thanks Dash that would be great '' Twilight said with a bright smile as she turned and started trotting down the street,only to stop and her smile to turn sly as she glanced at the pegasus. "Hey Rainbow how about we make it more fun and I race to the store?
"Sure if you're up to loseing to equestrias fastest pegasus?" replied the brash pegasus as she got into a racing stance with her wings spread
" Dont think you have one yet Rainbow Dash" she replied with the same sly grin on her face. "3.2.1. GO!!" she shouted before flashing away in a flash of purple magic only to appear at the next street corner in a similar flash.
"HEY!!! YOU CHEATER" Rainbow Dash screamed before shooting off after the alicorn a smile on her face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several streets later Rainbow Dash stood next to the smiling Haxicorn, a frown plastered on her face. "You cheated" grumbled the speedster as she poked her friend in the chest with a hoof causing the alicorn to giggle at the prodding.
"Hey I never said magic wasn't allowed and let's be honest here what chance did I have against you one of Equestria's fastest pegasi?" The alicorn replied while squirming away from the prodding hoof of her blue friend giggling all the while.
"That's the fastest" replied the pegasus as her frown slid into an easy smile, "and i see your point lets call it a draw then, okay."
"Deal." Replied twilight with a smile holding out her hoof to seal the deal
"Deal." Answered back the pegasus hoof bumping her friend's hoof
Lowering her hoof the purple alicorn look to the store before looking back at her friend. "Thank's Dash, I had a lot of fun just now"
''No problem Twilight,'' Dash replied. "Look it's getting late and I got to get home and feed tank but thanks for the race and I'll catch you later." turning to fly away she was stopped by a tug on her tail
''Oh, I almost forgot can you come over tomorrow ? I need some help to move some book shelf's and bring in newer ones.'' Twilight asked letting her magic fade from Rainbows tail.
''Sure thing Twilight,'' Rainbow replied with a smile. They both said goodnight and waved each other goodbyes.
7385623 Thanks for the idea.
Have already done a lot more of it in chapter 2. But i did not upload it yet since i was waiting for somebody to check my spelling/grammar but i have already waited 2 days for it so I'm going to post it anyway.
I get confused with stories that say that Rainbow Dash accused Twilight of being a spy just because Twilight knew who Nightmare Moon was.
7560695 Thanks for pointing that out!
I fixed it right away.