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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Awesome! New chapter already xD Gonna read it now :D
Error:
''Of course not make your SHELF at home!'' Rainbow Dash said with a smile.
Fix:
''Of course not make YOURSELF at home!'' Rainbow Dash said with a smile.
I am probably gonna find more errors tomorrow but right now its 00:29 AM and its my big brothers birthday tomorrow so i can't really find more errors for now
Anyways THIS WAS AMAZING! I love this chapter :D
So much adorable
7430860 Thanks Might even start on the next chapter tonight. Cause I still feel like writing. (Won't finish it though) (Also Fixed it)
Error:
Then she saw Rainbow Dash's cloud house appear in the distance. It was beautiful its stunning architect and the Rainbows streaming down into waterfalls from the top of the house Into little pools and then fall down to the ground below the house.
Fix:
Then she saw Rainbow Dash's cloud house appear in the distance. It was beautiful WITH its stunning architect and the Rainbows streaming down into waterfalls from the top of the house Into little pools and then fall down to the ground below the house.
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Error:
They both washed their coats manes and Rainbow Dash her teeth.
Fix:
Rainbow washed her teeth? I think you mean she brushed her teeth xD
They both washed their coats and manes then Rainbow Dash brushed her teeth.
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''Thanks, Twi. Besides what doesn't look awesome on me'' Rainbow Dash replied with confidence.
I can think of one thing that looks more awesome on Rainbow Dash than a wonderbolts outfit...
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/wikia2011/images/0/0a/Rainbow_dash_awesome_face.png/revision/latest?cb=20111230151243
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I see a lot of errors with either ',' or '.'. For example
Error:
Twilight opened her eyes and got out of her bed before heading towards the bathroom it was around noon already.
Fix:
Twilight opened her eyes and got out of her bed before heading towards the bathroom"." It was around noon already.
or
Error:
First, she made some breakfast she then brushed her teeth. But she did not have enough time to shower. A couple minutes later she was flying towards the Pegasus house.
Fix:
First, she made some breakfast"," she then brushed her teeth. But she did not have enough time to shower EITHER. A couple minutes later she was flying towards the Pegasus house.
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NEW ERROR FROM HERE:
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This isn't really an error but more like something you could improve on :)
When Applejack is saying:
''Howdy Twilight. Would you like to take a short walk with me? And if you have the time help me on the farm a bit?''
I would suggest that you sometimes write instead of "Would you" then "Would ya" to make it look more like its actually Applejack's accent its written in :) It helps a lot for the reader to imagine the actual character talking in your stories :)
I can also see you did it with Twilight.
''Sure thing Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyway,'' Twilight replied with a smile.
"Sure thing" sounds a lot like something Applejack would say. Twilight comes from Cantetlot so she would use words like
"Allright Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways," or "Fine Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways," more often than "Sure thing Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways,"
I would say it would be good for you to sometimes an hour or so before you write anything, that you just watch some parts of an episode with the character you are gonna write. That way, its much easier to think of something they would say that others would usually say different. And that way people can much easier see the characters talking instead of seeing some text. :D But that's just a tip :)
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Error:
''But to be honest I have already started missing you. Things at the CAMPUS have been great, though. It's been a lot of fun to be training and hanging with the rest of the Wonderbolts. But I can't wait to see you Friday.''
Fix:
''But to be honest I have already started missing you. Things at the CAMP have been great, though. It's been a lot of fun to be training and hanging with the rest of the Wonderbolts. But I can't wait to see you Friday.''
----
Error:
As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. As soon as Twilight saw her smile grew even wider.
Fix:
As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. As soon as Twilight saw her, HER smile grew even wider.
Also it doesn't really make sense that you wrote: As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. when nothing happened as they came in until in the next sentence.
I think you should either make "As soon as Twilight saw her" a line down or make a bit more text between them like:
As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash, the audience started yelling upon seeing the only known pegasus to ever have performed a Sonic Rainboom. As soon as Twilight saw her, her smile grew even wider.
Or something like that.
Because when you write: As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash.
Then something is gonna happen at the same time as they enter the stadium. Just like you did with: As soon as Twilight saw her, her smile grew even wider.
----
Error:
After about A HALF HOUR of insane flips stunts and manoeuvres, they started their special ending for THIS show.
Fix:
After about HALF AN HOUR of insane flips stunts and MANOUEVERS, they started their special ending for THE show.
----
She went faster and faster until she was just at the right angle and speed with the sun behind her and then BOOM she performed a Sonic Rainboom everypony's jaws dropped as the Rainbow colors shined in the sunlight and slowly faded outside everypony's eyesight.
Mostly when you write noises like BOOM, its a good idea to put * marks around them like *BOOM*. It just shows that its a noise that's written. :)
----
Error:
Then they all landed on a stage and bowed everypony stomped their hooves and shouted with excitement.
Fix:
Then they all landed on a stage and bowed AS everypony stomped their hooves and shouted with excitement.
----
Error:
''I agree with you on that Twi. ON don't know about you but I have a had a crazy and tiring week'' Rainbow Dash replied as she took off the Wonderbolts costume.
Fix:
''I agree with you on that Twi. I don't know about you but I have a had a crazy and tiring week'' Rainbow Dash replied as she took off the Wonderbolts costume.
----
She opened her eyes full of excitement it was Friday.
Me: Its Friday, Friday, Wonderbolts show on Friday! xD
Btw. It would be funny if you made Discord have a side job working at the wonderbolts show serving chocolate drinks using his cotton candy clouds xD
Wow there are so many Rainbows in this chapter.
Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Waterfall.
Sonic Rainboom. everybody's jaws dropped as the "Rainbow" colors shined.
Sadly there is no:
Taste the Rainbow MotherF**ker xD
Oh and you said everybody instead of everypony xD
7432199 Thanks, I'll fix the errors right away! But dude seriously thank you so much for looking trough my story for any errors I really appreciate it Also Happy birthday to your brother. Hope he and you both have an amazing day (Also not sure if I'll release a chapter today/around midnight. I'm not feeling too well).
7432199 Also I said everybody's further down in the story as well but I fixed that as well.
7432344
Thanks! I'm happy to help such an amazing story
And I hope you feel better soon :)
I'm going to see the rest of the story through for errors now :) I'll edit them into my other error comment :)
You made an error with the "." xD
The "" marks were only meant to indicate the , and . xD Sorry for the misunderstanding :)
It should be like this:
First, she made some breakfast, she then brushed her teeth. But she did not have enough time to shower either. A couple minutes later she was flying towards the Pegasus house.
and
Twilight opened her eyes and got out of her bed before heading towards the bathroom. it was around noon already.
without the ""
7432785 Lol fixed it. But that was also kinda stupid on my part . Anyway I might upload two chapters now (Whaaaaaat?) (Its explained at the end xD)
I thought of a name for this chapter but of course its all up to you :)
My idea was:
"To miss your love"
Its short and fits perfectly with what Twilight and Rainbow are going through :)
I'm gonna read chapter 6 again and see if I can find an idea for a name to that chapter :)
I've thought of an idea to chapter 6 :)
"The Consideration"
As Twilight Is considering and figuring out her feelings for Rainbow Dash in most of the chapter
Also:
Awesome Chapter 8! Gonna read it now xD
Wait?! Two chapters?! THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBLED