• Member Since 6th Jul, 2016
  • offline last seen Mar 23rd, 2017

Rainbow Dash-TwiDash


Just a random dude wich try's to write story's (Don't worry not gone just less active).

Comments ( 128 )

In terms of incorrect grammar, the big one would be the title.
I think what you were looking for was 'The Beginning of a New Adventure'

7377865 Thanks for pointing that out. Changed it right away.

7378006
I haven't read the story, but I'd advise posting on one of the editing groups to get someone to look over your work in more detail. It'll do a lot of good for both you and your readers. :twilightsmile: If you don't know where to look, here's a link to the group I'm a part of. I hope that helps you out.

-Inkheart

7378033 Thanks for the suggestion. I'll be sure to use it next time.

This story has started out ok and it's a nice, straightforward beginning, but there are a few grammatical errors that could be fixed. An editor could clear that up pretty well! Good start :twilightsmile:

Hmmm I like it and you have a good start so far. I think you need to work on writing more details and keeping a steady pace

I like it but I thought Rainbow was staying with Twilight for the night.

7379545 The text stated ''Its already pretty late you could stay here and eat with me and Spike if you would want to,'' But I can see how ''late you could stay here'' Would make you think that. I'll change it right away. Thanks for pointing that out :twilightsmile:

7378991 Thanks. I have already started on the 2 chapter I'll try and keep that in mind.

7379554 good concept for a story now for the criticisms


1) the speache is rather robotic

She ran over to her friend ''Hey Twilight,'' Rainbow Dash said with a slight smile on her face.
''Hi, Rainbow Dash,'' Twilight replied.
''Twi why are you still on the streets this late ?'' Dash asked
''Oh, I just needed to buy some more food we were running a bit low at the castle,'' Twilight replied.
''Would you mind if I walked with you ? '' Rainbow asked while putting up a friendly smile. '
''Sure Dash,'' Twilight said while also giving her a smile back.
A couple of streets further'' Anyway thanks for walking with me Rainbow,'' Twilight said.
''No problem Twilight,'' Dash replied
''O I almost forgot can you come over tomorrow ? I need some help to move some book shelf's and bring in newer ones.'' Twilight asked
''Sure thing Twilight,'' Rainbow replied with a smile.
They both said goodnight and waved each other goodbyes.

its a lot of she said this then she said that, add some flavor to your speech describe some of the actions as there talking

for example

"Hey Twilight!" Rainbow dash called out to her friend,while a smile spread across her face as she galloped closer.

"Oh, Hello Rainbow Dash." The purple alicorn replied as she turned towards her friend, a similar smile appearing on her face.

''Twi I'm surprised to see you this late? '' Dash asked shooting a curious look at her friend. " I figured you would be at home by now? Especially with this storm that's due." she explained as she looked at the sky and the dark clouds that hung overhead.

''Oh, I... Kinda... Forgot to buy groceries the other day and I need to get to the store before it shuts to buy some Ingredients for dinner ,'' Twilight replied smiling looking away sheepishly as she rubbed the back of her head with a hoof, and a blush adorning her cheeks.


''Oh... well Would you mind if I walked with you? I have nothing else to do at the moment and we could catch up a bit seeing as I missed the picnic today '' Rainbow asked with a grin, holding back her mirth at twilights explanation 'she probably had her head in one of those egghead books of hers again' she thought to herself.

''Thanks Dash that would be great '' Twilight said with a bright smile as she turned and started trotting down the street,only to stop and her smile to turn sly as she glanced at the pegasus. "Hey Rainbow how about we make it more fun and I race to the store?

"Sure if you're up to loseing to equestrias fastest pegasus?" replied the brash pegasus as she got into a racing stance with her wings spread

" Dont think you have one yet Rainbow Dash" she replied with the same sly grin on her face. "3.2.1. GO!!" she shouted before flashing away in a flash of purple magic only to appear at the next street corner in a similar flash.

"HEY!!! YOU CHEATER" Rainbow Dash screamed before shooting off after the alicorn a smile on her face.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several streets later Rainbow Dash stood next to the smiling Haxicorn, a frown plastered on her face. "You cheated" grumbled the speedster as she poked her friend in the chest with a hoof causing the alicorn to giggle at the prodding.

"Hey I never said magic wasn't allowed and let's be honest here what chance did I have against you one of Equestria's fastest pegasi?" The alicorn replied while squirming away from the prodding hoof of her blue friend giggling all the while.

"That's the fastest" replied the pegasus as her frown slid into an easy smile, "and i see your point lets call it a draw then, okay."

"Deal." Replied twilight with a smile holding out her hoof to seal the deal

"Deal." Answered back the pegasus hoof bumping her friend's hoof

Lowering her hoof the purple alicorn look to the store before looking back at her friend. "Thank's Dash, I had a lot of fun just now"

''No problem Twilight,'' Dash replied. "Look it's getting late and I got to get home and feed tank but thanks for the race and I'll catch you later." turning to fly away she was stopped by a tug on her tail

''Oh, I almost forgot can you come over tomorrow ? I need some help to move some book shelf's and bring in newer ones.'' Twilight asked letting her magic fade from Rainbows tail.

''Sure thing Twilight,'' Rainbow replied with a smile. They both said goodnight and waved each other goodbyes.

7385623 Thanks for the idea. :twilightsmile:
Have already done a lot more of it in chapter 2. But i did not upload it yet since i was waiting for somebody to check my spelling/grammar but i have already waited 2 days for it so I'm going to post it anyway.

7386374 hey no probs also feel free to use what i wrote.... just run it through an editor i suck at gramma

7386461 Yea I already tried getting an editor but no response o well. Also thanks, I'll take a look if I can find some place to fit it in

7386538 like i said in the original comment this was my rewrite of that highlighted part of the conversation

7388061 Yea I know but some parts were not really fitting with the story I already made. But I already put some of it in. Still thanks for writing that you're pretty good at it as well :twilightsmile:

three things
1) pacing, slow down speedy
2) new line every time a different pony speaks
3) get an editor I understand if English isn't your first language but you need an editor, If you already have one fire his ass he isn't doing his job

7393901 Okay I'll do the first to and try to find a new editor if somebody does respond this time. Thank you again for the tips :twilightsmile:

Twilight did not know but Dash has had a crush on her almost since the day she arrived in Ponyville.

I get confused with stories that say that Rainbow Dash accused Twilight of being a spy just because Twilight knew who Nightmare Moon was.

Well I kinda had a crush on her a couple of days after she arrived in Ponyville

Ignore my first comment.:twilightblush:

I love the story so far. But is this gonna be a long story with a lot of chapters or is it just gonna be a story with about 7-10 chapters?. Anyways I am glad that I finally found a TwiDash story that is in the making so I can follow it as It gets made.

A good story that you can follow the characters through and always be excited about a new chapter + Twidash = Adorable meter: OVER NINE THOUSAND xD

7421085 Thanks. And I hope to make it a long story. First goal is to hit 10.000 words 2 goal = 20.000 words 3 = 50.000 words, 4 goal= 100.000.
If I ever go get past 100.000 I'll have no idea how long I'll make it. And I don't know if it will ever even reach that amount of words.
But I'm going to try to make is at long as I can make it.

7421345
Nice to see that you dont plan on just quitting randomly in the middle of a story :) I really hate when authors do that and doesn't even say anything about them stopping the story, and just leaving it at "Incomplete".

Anyways I would love to give some criticism to help you but my eye for details in stories suck xD
The only thing I can say is that the story looks awesome and I can definitely see this becoming one of my favorite TwiDash stories :D
And I'm sure it will get 20% cooler as the story goes on and you get better at writing the story (Not saying that your not good but there is always room to get better :D)

May the horse be with you when you're writing xD

7423246 Thanks :twilightsmile: And even if I don't get to 100K words I sure as hell will make and end to the story!
I also hate it when people leave great story's unfinished or when good story's don't get that great of an end.

Awesome! New chapter! Reading it right away xD

I did see some mistakes:
ERROR:
''Cloud Cider? Does that even existed?''
FIX:
"Cloud Cider? Does that even exist?"
---
''Oh don't worry about it Dash it was exactly kinda cute''

Dont you mean: "Oh don't worry about it Dash, it was actually kinda cute"
---
Anyways Great chapter and I look forward to seeing more of this fanfic as it goes on :D

7424850 Thanks for pointing out those mistakes I'll fix them tomorrow, :twilightsmile:
As said in the Author's Note and my blog I always make these late at night since I write the best at late times, But this does mean I miss these things so don't be surprised If you do see them in the next chapter.
Anyway thank you again for pointing those out :pinkiehappy:

7426348
Nice. And I understand that you couldn't fix them yesterday when you wrote It. (or at least if your timezone is anywhere near mine) It was 1-2am in the morning when I read this chapter xD Screw Sleep when there is TwiDash xD

Wait a minute! This is your FIRST story?! I must say that I've seen better TwiDash fics than this but those people had many other stories when they wrote that. This looks VERY good for a first story :D I honestly thought you had wrote at least 2-4 stories before this. But this being a first story just makes you appreciate the story so much more :D

7426385 Well for me it was around 02:00. I always work on this story when it's late since I write the best when it's late.

What will you change the story name to?

7428057 Nothing as of yet. I might not even change it at all.
It's just that I'm not sure if I'm 100% happy with the current name.
If I do change it I'll say it in one of the chapters before I do change it so everybody is up to date.

Wait? Why didn't Rainbow have to pay for the chocolate? Was the old unicorn Twilight's Dad? Does he know about Rainbow and Twilight? Ugh! I both love and hate when there are so many questions like that yet to be answered xD

I'm gonna look the story through again and see if I can find any mistakes :twilightsmile:
Anyways, great chapter as always xD

I've marked the errors with caps :)
I'm not really gonna point out "," error because English is not my first language so i dont really know where they should be :)
Error:
Rainbow Dash still had her wings over her and she could hear the Pegasus slowly BREATH over her neck.
Fix:
Rainbow Dash still had her wings over her and she could hear the Pegasus slowly BREATHING over her neck.
----
Error:
She slowly started breathing some air into Rainbow's neck. As she could hear Rainbow Dash groaning in slight annoyance AND she slowly opened her eyes.
Fix:
She slowly started breathing some air into Rainbow's neck. As she could hear Rainbow Dash groaning in slight annoyance AS she slowly opened her eyes.
----
Error:
''You can sleep for a few more minutes but I got to prepare breakfast and wake Spike up,'' Twilight said with a giggle AND as she slowly pushed away the pegasus.
Fix:
Delete the "and" so its only:
''You can sleep for a few more minutes but I got to prepare breakfast and wake Spike up,'' Twilight said with a giggle AS she slowly pushed away the pegasus.
----
Not sure if this is an error but anyways:
Twilight then pushed her covers away and got out of bed.
Isn't it supposed to be:
Twilight then pushed her covers away and got out of THE bed.
or
Twilight then pushed her covers away and got out of HER bed.
I am not really sure if this is an error or not but i am pointing it out anyways :) I don't want to miss an error :D
----
Error:
''Well yesterday did go fine I'm still not sure how I feel about all this,''
Fix:
''Well yesterday did go fine BUT I'm still not sure how I feel about all this,''
Another Fix:
''Well EVEN THOUGH yesterday did go fine I'm still not sure how I feel about all this,''
----
''Well apparently there has been some unrest between the GRIFFON KINGDOM and Equestria. Something about the trade between the two countries or something,''
Don't you mean "Griffonstone"? There isn't an actual Griffon kingdom in cannon. At least not as far as i can remember. But that's of course only an error if you want to stay to as much cannon things as possible while still having a lot of TwiDash :)
----
Error:
''Twi you can open your eyes,'' Twilight opened her eyes only to see that ground far below her she had never been this high up her wings could not stand the pressure and they were flying really fast.
Fix:
''Twi you can open your eyes,'' Twilight opened her eyes only to see THE ground far below her. She had never been this high up BEFORE. Her wings could not stand the pressure and they were flying really fast.
----
Error:
''Ready for what?''Twilight asked with a nervous tone.
Fix:
''Ready for what?" Twilight asked with a nervous tone.
You missed a space between what Twilight was saying and "Twilight asked with a nervous tone." :)
----
Error:
The ground was nearing after about minute of falling and Twilight could feel her heart drop.
Fix:
The ground was nearing after about A minute of falling and Twilight could feel her heart drop.
You also place two spaces between "And" and "Twilight".
----
Error:
''Something that I have bought for you'' Rainbow Dash replied with a smile as she handed the box over to Twilight WHICH then proceeded to tear apart the outer packing.
Fix:
''Something that I have bought for you'' Rainbow Dash replied with a smile as she handed the box over to Twilight WHO then proceeded to tear apart the outer packing.
----
That was all the errors i could find :twilightsmile:
The story is really getting better :D
And also: "FINALLY A STORY WHERE THE WHOLE MAIN SIX IS POPULAR AND NOT JUST TWILIGHT BECAUSE SHE IS A PRINCESS xD"

''Well after reorganising part of the library I need to go to Canterlot for some Royal duties,''
Me: Royal duties huh? Well... That must be why her life is such a... Royal pain! (Sorry, i couldn't resist the puns :twilightsheepish:)

7429416 Lol that pun :rainbowlaugh: Btw Rainbow didn't have to pay because you know she helped save Equestria like a billion times. And in the show, they never get anything for it so I thought I would do it differently. Again huge thanks for pointing out some of the mistakes I made! I'll fix them right away.

7429407 Also I think I'll keep the Griffen Kingdom since It's kinda strange that they would all come out of one pretty small town.

Btw, Congratulations on hitting your first goal :pinkiehappy:

Awesome! New chapter already xD Gonna read it now :D

Error:
''Of course not make your SHELF at home!'' Rainbow Dash said with a smile.
Fix:
''Of course not make YOURSELF at home!'' Rainbow Dash said with a smile.

I am probably gonna find more errors tomorrow but right now its 00:29 AM and its my big brothers birthday tomorrow so i can't really find more errors for now :pinkiehappy:

Anyways THIS WAS AMAZING! I love this chapter :D
So much adorable :rainbowkiss::heart::twilightblush:

7430860 Thanks :twilightsmile: Might even start on the next chapter tonight. Cause I still feel like writing. (Won't finish it though) (Also Fixed it)

Error:
Then she saw Rainbow Dash's cloud house appear in the distance. It was beautiful its stunning architect and the Rainbows streaming down into waterfalls from the top of the house Into little pools and then fall down to the ground below the house.
Fix:
Then she saw Rainbow Dash's cloud house appear in the distance. It was beautiful WITH its stunning architect and the Rainbows streaming down into waterfalls from the top of the house Into little pools and then fall down to the ground below the house.
----
Error:
They both washed their coats manes and Rainbow Dash her teeth.
Fix:
Rainbow washed her teeth? I think you mean she brushed her teeth xD
They both washed their coats and manes then Rainbow Dash brushed her teeth.
----
''Thanks, Twi. Besides what doesn't look awesome on me'' Rainbow Dash replied with confidence.
I can think of one thing that looks more awesome on Rainbow Dash than a wonderbolts outfit...
http://vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/wikia2011/images/0/0a/Rainbow_dash_awesome_face.png/revision/latest?cb=20111230151243
----
I see a lot of errors with either ',' or '.'. For example
Error:
Twilight opened her eyes and got out of her bed before heading towards the bathroom it was around noon already.
Fix:
Twilight opened her eyes and got out of her bed before heading towards the bathroom"." It was around noon already.
or
Error:
First, she made some breakfast she then brushed her teeth. But she did not have enough time to shower. A couple minutes later she was flying towards the Pegasus house.
Fix:
First, she made some breakfast"," she then brushed her teeth. But she did not have enough time to shower EITHER. A couple minutes later she was flying towards the Pegasus house.
----
NEW ERROR FROM HERE:
----
This isn't really an error but more like something you could improve on :)
When Applejack is saying:
''Howdy Twilight. Would you like to take a short walk with me? And if you have the time help me on the farm a bit?''
I would suggest that you sometimes write instead of "Would you" then "Would ya" to make it look more like its actually Applejack's accent its written in :) It helps a lot for the reader to imagine the actual character talking in your stories :)
I can also see you did it with Twilight.
''Sure thing Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyway,'' Twilight replied with a smile.
"Sure thing" sounds a lot like something Applejack would say. Twilight comes from Cantetlot so she would use words like
"Allright Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways," or "Fine Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways," more often than "Sure thing Applejack. I'm kinda bored anyways,"
I would say it would be good for you to sometimes an hour or so before you write anything, that you just watch some parts of an episode with the character you are gonna write. That way, its much easier to think of something they would say that others would usually say different. And that way people can much easier see the characters talking instead of seeing some text. :D But that's just a tip :)
----
Error:
''But to be honest I have already started missing you. Things at the CAMPUS have been great, though. It's been a lot of fun to be training and hanging with the rest of the Wonderbolts. But I can't wait to see you Friday.''
Fix:
''But to be honest I have already started missing you. Things at the CAMP have been great, though. It's been a lot of fun to be training and hanging with the rest of the Wonderbolts. But I can't wait to see you Friday.''
----
Error:
As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. As soon as Twilight saw her smile grew even wider.
Fix:
As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. As soon as Twilight saw her, HER smile grew even wider.
Also it doesn't really make sense that you wrote: As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash. when nothing happened as they came in until in the next sentence.
I think you should either make "As soon as Twilight saw her" a line down or make a bit more text between them like:

As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash, the audience started yelling upon seeing the only known pegasus to ever have performed a Sonic Rainboom. As soon as Twilight saw her, her smile grew even wider.

Or something like that.
Because when you write: As the elite flying team raced into the stadium with Rainbow Dash.
Then something is gonna happen at the same time as they enter the stadium. Just like you did with: As soon as Twilight saw her, her smile grew even wider.
----
Error:
After about A HALF HOUR of insane flips stunts and manoeuvres, they started their special ending for THIS show.
Fix:
After about HALF AN HOUR of insane flips stunts and MANOUEVERS, they started their special ending for THE show.
----
She went faster and faster until she was just at the right angle and speed with the sun behind her and then BOOM she performed a Sonic Rainboom everypony's jaws dropped as the Rainbow colors shined in the sunlight and slowly faded outside everypony's eyesight.
Mostly when you write noises like BOOM, its a good idea to put * marks around them like *BOOM*. It just shows that its a noise that's written. :)
----
Error:
Then they all landed on a stage and bowed everypony stomped their hooves and shouted with excitement.
Fix:
Then they all landed on a stage and bowed AS everypony stomped their hooves and shouted with excitement.
----
Error:
''I agree with you on that Twi. ON don't know about you but I have a had a crazy and tiring week'' Rainbow Dash replied as she took off the Wonderbolts costume.
Fix:
''I agree with you on that Twi. I don't know about you but I have a had a crazy and tiring week'' Rainbow Dash replied as she took off the Wonderbolts costume.
----

She opened her eyes full of excitement it was Friday.
Me: Its Friday, Friday, Wonderbolts show on Friday! xD

Btw. It would be funny if you made Discord have a side job working at the wonderbolts show serving chocolate drinks using his cotton candy clouds xD

Wow there are so many Rainbows in this chapter.
Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Waterfall.
Sonic Rainboom. everybody's jaws dropped as the "Rainbow" colors shined.

Sadly there is no:
Taste the Rainbow MotherF**ker xD

Oh and you said everybody instead of everypony xD

7432199 Thanks, I'll fix the errors right away! But dude seriously thank you so much for looking trough my story for any errors I really appreciate it :twilightsmile: Also Happy birthday to your brother. Hope he and you both have an amazing day :pinkiehappy: (Also not sure if I'll release a chapter today/around midnight. I'm not feeling too well):pinkiesick:.

7432199 Also I said everybody's further down in the story as well but I fixed that as well.

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