To truly know hell, to fully understand it, you must experience it for yourself. Unfortunately for the "hero" of our story, he's going to get a first hand look at what hell really is.
Some mans can accept their own dark side, they doesn't shy away from it, instead they acknowledge it as part of themselves and made peace with it ( just like Naruto in the waterfall of truth). There is a whole religion about it (yin-yang ) and a lot of famous phrases about it like ( light shine brighter in the darkness ). Artemis didn't sound different from David. The logic, the guilt and his hate of NightMare Moon, are an example. But now "They" have killed. It looks like not even David dark side wanted to cross that line. And who made them crooks it in the first place? Luna.
7447046 I'm glad you liked the new chapter, but what in particular did you enjoy? I'd like some feedback, if you wouldn't mind, so I can learn what I'm doing right.
I get that he is telling the story to someone else, but there should be separation between when he is spoken to and when he is just narrating. A pause or ellipsis to indicate he is being told something we can only deduce from context. Even a regular space would work, maybe. Also, you jump from first person to narration and present to past all over the place. It's confusing, I would suggest another kind of separation to differentiate between them. Aside from that (and as far as I can tell), you're not doing a bad job. I find myself liking this. Keep at it, you're bound to improve.
In all seriousness, though, thank you for the feedback. I've never written in this sort of style before, so it's been difficult to keep the tenses straight. I apologize if it's confusing but all I can do there is promise to try to do better on that front. As for your suggestion regarding whenever he's directly responding to the person he's telling the story to, I can easily edit such things in if you believe it would be helpful.
7447338 Please do, if you can. The story is still just starting, now's the time. I'll try to niggle at it as much as possible. Don't expect much though. I have no literature training beyond reading too much ponyfiction.
7447394 THE EXCITMENT IS KILLING ME HHHHUEEEE, hoo, *my chest begins to bulge* (watch at your own risk, this will give you nightmares) This is it tell me if its showing up, im not sure
7447452 Now, now. Creativity is its own reward. The worst stories are the ones never written or incomplete. I promise to be objective too, and soften the blows with cupcakes! Do remember this is the internet though. You will get a lot of everything proportionally to the attention you gather. In all seriousness though, you expect too much from me good sir or madam. I am nothing but happy to find stories I can enjoy. All the tiny pricks of criticism are only the writer in you shaping up. Like a sculpture. See, some of us are simply no good at writing. If anything, I'm glad that I can occasionally spew something resembling useful in the general direction of the writer.
7447939 I can totally see that happen. David may be a horse god now, but he is still human at heart. Humans are vindictive and spiteful to the point of laughing and turning on one another on a whim. "You hurt me, I'm going to fucking torture you for it."
You hurt him dearly, Nightmare. I'd suggest watching your withers.
Loving the story, Crensler. I can't wait for more. My favorite bits are the character interaction/development.
7448106 Really happy to see people talking about the story this way, makes me feel all giddy and stuff that it's gotten you speculating about what's gonna happen next
Thanks for the feedback, by the way. Anything you think I could improve upon or that sticks out in a way that bothers you that you think I should know about?
7448658 You do realize that would require me to rewrite the entire story from the ground up, right? That the whole point right now is the fact he's telling it to someone else? Sorry, but no, I'm sticking to this format
The only thing I can think of, is grammar and spelling. Those are my only pet-peeves when it comes to writing. I read stories as a way to explore different timelines/realities. Think of me as an observer.
Your spelling and grammar are fine, as I haven't run into anything that would bother me. Think of it as a glitch in your favorite game, it's jarring and really noticeable. It takes me out of the experience and sours my mood for a bit while I get back into it.
You are doing just fine. Keep up the good work. I wonder what's going to happen next...
This is really building up to be a great fic, but I have a fews problem with how things are going about. If Artemis is being trained to be an unstoppable killing machine with no remorse to face of Celestia herself, then what will prevent him from riping the Mane 6 the moment he arrives in Ponyville and making them a very bloody example of Twilight at the miriest hint of defiance, and just move on to take over Equestria? True, he won't have any clue that they are the next Bears of the Elements, or how the geography has changed, but he will immateriality go after securing the Elements them selves in the Castle thought the Everfree forest, but with the way his powers are portrayed he out stripes the Mane 6 by far and won't wast time in chartering. I could imagine that Ponyvies was just a pit stop for him to show off to the ponies before moving to his main target. The two factors that I can think that could leave heavy weaken or vulnerable, is that he will have all ready face off Celestia in battle and didn't come on top or that Celestia manges to escaped before he manages to strike the final blow and that afterwards had no choice but to spend whatever magic had left in braking down all the wards surrounding the Elements of harmony and couldn't spare any energy in case Celestia was ready for a round two that night, so he couldn't go kill them himself.
Normally I don't like the revelations that shows the out come, even if it is the outcome that I prefer, I like the the tension of wandering of how things will go on, but It think this works just enough.
7449887 Yeah, grammar and spelling tend to bug me as well, to the point it can make me not want to read further into an otherwise interesting story. I'll try my best to keep from doing anything that would end up doing the same.
7450067 I can certainly understand your concerns but, while I can't truly address them without going into spoiler territory, I can assure you that I do have a plan. You'll just have to trust me me not to mess things up
7464550 The next chapter will come when I finish writing it, which will take a bit longer than the last because I've been dealing with being ill for the past few days and it kind of knocked me on my ass
Corruption in stories is all well and good, but when the character is so easily corrupted? It's just a little bland.
Also, he went insane very fast. I'm not one to talk, but I don't think insanity comes that fast. Especially when most of the stuff he's considering are assumptions.
As far as I understand it, there's a breaking point in the psyche. Before that point, the mind tries to protect itself by falsely reasoning everything away. The only way to go over the breaking point is for the mind to be exposed to the truth, shattering it's defensive reasoning.
In this story, there was no such false reasoning. He made some assumptions, and he broke.
7479335 All I can say in response to your comments is the fact that I've never written a story about insanity or corruption before, so I wasn't sure how long to drag things out or how to even do so without the story becoming boring due to unnecessary padding. As for the mare IN the moon? Well, the story is AU for a reason, otherwise he'd just wake up when the spell was broken and be an entirely different tale altogether. Plus other reasons that will not be discussed because spoilers
Couldn't you theoretically use the rift to power a laser that you could fire from the moon? Turn the moon into the death star/death egg/ Ark.
7446803 I suppose that, theoretically, it could be possible, but it's not something they're likely to think of.
Yeeeeeeesssssss!!!! Mooooore!!!!
This is my new drug
Wow. This is good.
Some mans can accept their own dark side, they doesn't shy away from it, instead they acknowledge it as part of themselves and made peace with it ( just like Naruto in the waterfall of truth). There is a whole religion about it (yin-yang ) and a lot of famous phrases about it like ( light shine brighter in the darkness ).
Artemis didn't sound different from David. The logic, the guilt and his hate of NightMare Moon, are an example. But now "They" have killed. It looks like not even David dark side wanted to cross that line. And who made them crooks it in the first place? Luna.
7446956 Well thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed what I have out so far
Awesome as ever
7447046 I'm glad you liked the new chapter, but what in particular did you enjoy? I'd like some feedback, if you wouldn't mind, so I can learn what I'm doing right.
7446803
I suppose if you wanted to blow up Equis instead of rule it...
7447071 You don't blow up Equis... you just destroy half the world and rule the rest of it through fear.
7447068 Fascinating
7446962
Yin and yang is a part of Chinese philosophy, not an entire religion.
7447126 yea sorry
7447140
No harm done, I probably would've done something similar anyway.
7446924
Agreed.
I get that he is telling the story to someone else, but there should be separation between when he is spoken to and when he is just narrating. A pause or ellipsis to indicate he is being told something we can only deduce from context. Even a regular space would work, maybe. Also, you jump from first person to narration and present to past all over the place. It's confusing, I would suggest another kind of separation to differentiate between them.
Aside from that (and as far as I can tell), you're not doing a bad job. I find myself liking this. Keep at it, you're bound to improve.
7446810 when will Arty go to Equus
7447307 Oh. My. God. Genuine, useful criticism
In all seriousness, though, thank you for the feedback. I've never written in this sort of style before, so it's been difficult to keep the tenses straight. I apologize if it's confusing but all I can do there is promise to try to do better on that front. As for your suggestion regarding whenever he's directly responding to the person he's telling the story to, I can easily edit such things in if you believe it would be helpful.
7447312 You ought to know better than to ask for spoilers, you silly person you
Seriously, though, to answer your question: it's a secret
7447341 at least tell me the number of chapter
7447389 Hmmmm, lemme think. Nah
Relax, it'll happen eventually.
7447338 Please do, if you can. The story is still just starting, now's the time.
I'll try to niggle at it as much as possible. Don't expect much though. I have no literature training beyond reading too much ponyfiction.
7447426 Don't be too harsh with me, though, my fragile writer's ego wouldn't be able to handle it
7447394 THE EXCITMENT IS KILLING ME HHHHUEEEE, hoo, *my chest begins to bulge*
(watch at your own risk, this will give you nightmares)
This is it
tell me if its showing up, im not sure
7447457 Okay then, uh, I'm glad you're excited...I guess?
Murdering is fine, it's one good drug. Not really, but still pleasant.
7447452 Now, now. Creativity is its own reward. The worst stories are the ones never written or incomplete. I promise to be objective too, and soften the blows with cupcakes!
Do remember this is the internet though. You will get a lot of everything proportionally to the attention you gather.
In all seriousness though, you expect too much from me good sir or madam. I am nothing but happy to find stories I can enjoy. All the tiny pricks of criticism are only the writer in you shaping up. Like a sculpture. See, some of us are simply no good at writing. If anything, I'm glad that I can occasionally spew something resembling useful in the general direction of the writer.
7447497 Yeah, I know, I've been rather lucky so far all things considered *knocks on a piece of wood to be safe*
Still, thanks for the comments, I need all the help I can get to be honest. Criticism, as long as it is constructive, is always welcome.
7447341
You sly bastard, you.
7447588 I try
7447607
I can certainly tell.
I'm enjoying this so far ^.^ very interesting, I look forward to seeing where this is going :)
At some point I so hope he turns on the nightmare.
The best way to describe magic.
7447939 I can totally see that happen. David may be a horse god now, but he is still human at heart. Humans are vindictive and spiteful to the point of laughing and turning on one another on a whim. "You hurt me, I'm going to fucking torture you for it."
You hurt him dearly, Nightmare. I'd suggest watching your withers.
Loving the story, Crensler. I can't wait for more. My favorite bits are the character interaction/development.
7446803 Turn it into a "Death Star" by using a giant "Lay-ser" designed by Dr. Alan Parsons, so they'll call it the "Alan Parsons Project".
7448106 Really happy to see people talking about the story this way, makes me feel all giddy and stuff that it's gotten you speculating about what's gonna happen next
Thanks for the feedback, by the way. Anything you think I could improve upon or that sticks out in a way that bothers you that you think I should know about?
Hello. Can you delete elements of retrospective narration from this story? It destroys all intrigue. Especially that line about recess.
7448658 You do realize that would require me to rewrite the entire story from the ground up, right? That the whole point right now is the fact he's telling it to someone else? Sorry, but no, I'm sticking to this format
Really enjoying this fic! Cant wait for the next chapter!
7448465
The only thing I can think of, is grammar and spelling. Those are my only pet-peeves when it comes to writing. I read stories as a way to explore different timelines/realities. Think of me as an observer.
Your spelling and grammar are fine, as I haven't run into anything that would bother me. Think of it as a glitch in your favorite game, it's jarring and really noticeable. It takes me out of the experience and sours my mood for a bit while I get back into it.
You are doing just fine. Keep up the good work. I wonder what's going to happen next...
This is really building up to be a great fic, but I have a fews problem with how things are going about. If Artemis is being trained to be an unstoppable killing machine with no remorse to face of Celestia herself, then what will prevent him from riping the Mane 6 the moment he arrives in Ponyville and making them a very bloody example of Twilight at the miriest hint of defiance, and just move on to take over Equestria? True, he won't have any clue that they are the next Bears of the Elements, or how the geography has changed, but he will immateriality go after securing the Elements them selves in the Castle thought the Everfree forest, but with the way his powers are portrayed he out stripes the Mane 6 by far and won't wast time in chartering. I could imagine that Ponyvies was just a pit stop for him to show off to the ponies before moving to his main target. The two factors that I can think that could leave heavy weaken or vulnerable, is that he will have all ready face off Celestia in battle and didn't come on top or that Celestia manges to escaped before he manages to strike the final blow and that afterwards had no choice but to spend whatever magic had left in braking down all the wards surrounding the Elements of harmony and couldn't spare any energy in case Celestia was ready for a round two that night, so he couldn't go kill them himself.
Normally I don't like the revelations that shows the out come, even if it is the outcome that I prefer, I like the the tension of wandering of how things will go on, but It think this works just enough.
I can't wait to see the next chapter...
7449887 Yeah, grammar and spelling tend to bug me as well, to the point it can make me not want to read further into an otherwise interesting story. I'll try my best to keep from doing anything that would end up doing the same.
7450067 I can certainly understand your concerns but, while I can't truly address them without going into spoiler territory, I can assure you that I do have a plan. You'll just have to trust me me not to mess things up
When is the next chapter?
7464550 The next chapter will come when I finish writing it, which will take a bit longer than the last because I've been dealing with being ill for the past few days and it kind of knocked me on my ass
Well, this went downhill fast.
Corruption in stories is all well and good, but when the character is so easily corrupted? It's just a little bland.
Also, he went insane very fast. I'm not one to talk, but I don't think insanity comes that fast. Especially when most of the stuff he's considering are assumptions.
As far as I understand it, there's a breaking point in the psyche. Before that point, the mind tries to protect itself by falsely reasoning everything away. The only way to go over the breaking point is for the mind to be exposed to the truth, shattering it's defensive reasoning.
In this story, there was no such false reasoning. He made some assumptions, and he broke.
7479335 All I can say in response to your comments is the fact that I've never written a story about insanity or corruption before, so I wasn't sure how long to drag things out or how to even do so without the story becoming boring due to unnecessary padding. As for the mare IN the moon? Well, the story is AU for a reason, otherwise he'd just wake up when the spell was broken and be an entirely different tale altogether. Plus other reasons that will not be discussed because spoilers
7479931
Ooo, interesting.
Fun story, looking forward to more.
thought
led
Your Highness.