• Published 21st Jul 2012
  • 6,463 Views, 151 Comments

The Magic of the BLU Sandvich with RED Bonk! - PonyManne215

Members of BLU and RED go to Equestria. Look at all the blood, the guns. Just look at all the hats!

  • ...

Ah-hem, Gentlemen

Author's Note: Sorry for the short chapter after such a long time, but a severe case of Writer's Block killed me. I'm back now, though, so expect the next chapter to be a medium size of 4k or more.

“Oi, mate. I think ya got his head all messed up.”

“Da, Natascha is good for smashing heads.”

“Hey yo, are we gonna sit here and watch the grass grow or what?”

“That’s a mighty big hole, lads.”

“I zink zat ze head is coming off.”

As one could tell from their dialect, all of the present members of the RED and BLU stood beside each other. The Hydra that had attacked them laid lifeless, all of its heads staring up at the sky. Heavy Weapons Guy, a big ape-ish Russian, and a surprisingly talented professor in literature, beat one of the heads in with his giant gatling gun. Apart from that, the others had taken part in as well. Sniper popped off a head, Demoman blew one to bits, Scout beat the living crap out of every single one, and Spy sat on a log, cleaning his knife.

“Now zen, are you all finished? I would like to go sometime soon.” Spy said.

“Oi, but these heads....they’re so big!” Sniper was marveling the lifeless corpse that once was a giant monster.

“Could ya hurry it up, lad? Ye got some bits stuck on your legs.” Demoman pointed out as he took a drink out of a bottle of Scrumpy. “Me head doesn’t feel right. I like it!”

Scout took this moment to take out his prized weapon. “Bonk!” He shouted as he slapped Demoman across the face with the wrapped up fish that was the Holy Mackerel.

Demoman, now being drunk with his favorite drink of all time, tipped over like a cow as the others shook their heads disapprovingly. Heavy went over and picked him up on his back, while Sniper punched Scout in the face. “Now we got a heavier load, you wanker.”

“You wanna piece of me, tough guy?” Scout said as intimidating as possible.

“Why I oughtta-”

“Ah-hem, gentlemen, we have enough problems to worry about. Put your petty squabbles aside so we can get to ze matter at hand. Where are we?” Spy began to twirl his knife around.

Sniper looked around. “Like I said mate, this ain’t the Outback. It’s somewhere I’ve never been in my entire life.”

“Da. Heavy has been all across Motherland. And I have never seen land like this.” Heavy added as he moved the unconscious drunk on his shoulder. Suddenly, he felt something warm on his shoulder. “What is this?” He turned his head to smell it, immediately recoiling and throwing Demoman to the ground.

“Filthy RED dares to pee on me!? Sniper comrade, kill puny man!” Heavy was furious.

“With pleasure..” Sniper smiled as he brought up his Machina.

As Scout was about to shoot his Scattergun, and Sniper his Machina, a loud girlish scream could be heard in the distance. Spitting on the floor, Sniper lowered his gun, as did the Boston runner.

“We’ll settle this later.” Sniper hissed.

“Fine.” Scout replied.

All of the guys, Demoman included who woke up after hearing the scream, sprinted towards the source of the noise, which appeared to be in the direction of the not-so-distant town just moments away.

It was silent, too silent. The thing. It was big and red for all she could tell. Just when she was about to get a good look at it, she suddenly felt being lifted up into the air. Lya struggled to get out of the thing’s grip.

“Let go!” Lyra shouted as she felt herself being tossed back and forth. Her mane was particularly being pulled.

“Mmph mmpphh! Mpph!” Pyro exclaimed as he took in the pony before him. It was much like his Balloonicorn, only this one was more colored, bigger, and could talk. The little mint green thing in his hand wriggled as he brought it closer to his face.

She looked like she was going to say something, but stopped when she looked into the two goggles that were an eternal abyss. There was nothing inside. She wanted to cry in fear, but suddenly she was grabbed by the forehooves as she looked at the weird creature share hooves with her.

She started to feel dizzy as the creature was spinning in a circle, her in its grasp. But those weren’t hooves, were they? No, they weren’t. Lyra had seen Spike, Twilight’s assistant many times. And the things that this thing had were similar to the small reptile’s hands. Except. these weren’t claw-like. They were round ended, and spidery. It would be fascinating to Lyra. But being twirled around like a blanket didn’t exactly let her concentrate.

“Ahhh!” She screamed as the masked assailant continued to spin in a circular motion.

“Hey, that looks fun!” Ditzy complimented as she jumped on them. Both Lyra, and the mysterious creature were next to each other, being laid upon by a ridiculous mailmare.

“Run, run Ditz!” Lyra pleaded as she held down the RED skinned being. Now that she had it in her grasps, she could see it more clearly. It was definitely wearing a mask. It had a fire emblem emblazoned on the shoulder. And there was a container of sorts on its back. Not to mention, it had an axe next to it.

“Huddah!” The creature pulled Lyra closer, wrapping its arms around her and spinning about on the floor. Was it hugging her?

She was about to look for her friend, Ditzy, when she heard an unfamiliar voice call out from behind her.

“Look! It is little Pyro man. What is that in his hand? No. Njet. It can’t be....Is little green pony! YEAAAAAHHHHHH!” Heavy shouted as he charged at Pyro and Lyra, picking up the mint green mare and doing the same exact thing that Pyro had done. “It is so tiny! Look at little cute tattoo! And....is horn? What is horn on head?” Heavy asked as he started to rub her horn.

“Get off me!”

“Little pony can talk! Is good day to be Heavy!” Heavy beamed proudly.

“You can talk?” Lyra was completely baffled at the weird creature’s ability of speech.

“Da. And little pony has brightened day. We must celebrate with Sandvich!” Heavy began to search his body for the edible thing. But he started to panic. Where was it? He began to lift his Natascha around, looking for the thing. But it was nowhere to be found. “Where is Sandvich!?”

“.....Sand...vich?” Lyra asked, still examining the weird thing in front of her. All the while, Ditzy just stood there, cockeyed as usual. She had remained still and quiet for the most part the entire time.

“Da! Is credit to team. Where are you, Sandvich?!” Heavy bellowed out as he cupped his hands together.

“What are you?!” Lyra questioned, burden in her eyes.

“I am human, little pony. What is pony’s name?” Heavy suddenly calmed down, helping up Pyro as he took his axe in hand.

“Lyra...” She hesitantly introduced, extended her hoof out towards the giant muscle-toned human.

“I am Heavy Weapons Guy, and this,” Heavy took his Natascha, caressing the barrels and kissing it. “Is my weapons. She weighs one hundred and fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar custom tool cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute.” He paused, moving closer to Lyra’s face, almost breathing in it. “It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon...for twelve seconds.”

“Okay.....” She slowly started to pull her hoof away, but was quickly frightened as a slick feel wrapped around her appendage.

“Mmphh. Mphh mph Mphh” Pyro introduced as he shook hand and hoof with Lyra, seemingly calm now.

“What did he say?” Lyra asked Heavy.

“No idea. Pyro is monster.” Heavy stated matter-of-factly.

“Monster?!” Lyra pulled back, moving away from the humans.

“He’s okay, Lyra. Sheesh, he’s harmless. He said ‘My name is Pyro’. He just wants to be friends. Isn’t that right, Pyro? You like muffins, don’t you?” Ditzy Doo suddenly explained, apparently understanding the monstrosity's mumbling.

“And who is this pony?”

“Ditzy! Ditzy Doo, muffin connoisseur, investor, and lover!” Ditzy said as she shook with Heavy.

“How did you understand him, Ditz?” Lyra asked as she moved behind the cross-eyed mailmare.

“You gotta listen, that’s all. See, move closer and hear him speak.” Ditzy pushed Lyra into Pyro, who in turn looked down at her and waved.


“.....I....understand you?” She paid close attention, like Ditzy had instructed, and heard him say ‘Hello’.

“What is on eyes?” Heavy asked as he pulled two bluish lenses off of Pyro’s goggles.

Pyro groaned in disappointment. His fun in Pyroland was over. The enemy team were no longer babies. His axe was no longer a giant lollipop, and his flamethrower was no longer a Rainblower. See, he had Saxton Hale use a resource of Australium to make the goggles, brightening his day from pain and death. But he used them too much, forgetting it was all a fantasy.

Then, he remembered. He jumped back and struck a battle pose, ready to cut into his enemy Heavy’s head. He pointed a finger at the big Russian and prepared to charge. “Huddah!”

“Wait! Little Pyro man!” Heavy tried to speak, but Pyro and already jumped high into the sky.

A red blur came by as Pyro connected with something. He looked and was baffled at his sight.

“Ya mind getting your axe outta my soda?” Scout asked as he lapped up the spilled contents.

“Huddah..” Pyro apologized as he pried out the metal-headed blade. “Huddah huddah huh?”

Scout pocketed the cut can, then looked at the mumbling maniac. “What? Oh, right, him. Well, we kinda stuck together to look for you, but now that we found you,” Scout grinned. “There’s nothing stopping me.”

Scout swiftly took his Holy Mackerel in hand and lunged at Heavy. But he heard a girl speaking from the sidelines. “Would you guys stop!?” Lyra yelled.

“Who? What? Where? A girl?” He started to whistle, flexing his small muscles afterwards. “Would you look at that? It’s beautiful.” He still looked around for that attractive sounding girl.

“That’s nothing!” Lyra said, right behind Heavy.

“Wh-what!? I-I don’t even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you’re talking to? Do you have any idea, any idea, who I am?”

“Nope.” Lyra replied.

“Basically, kind of a big deal.” Scout proceeded to flex again. “Oh man,that’s beautiful.”

“Cooooool.” Ditzy admired as Pyro handed her a bubble blower.

“Thanks!” Scout said, thinking the nowhere to be seen woman was talking to him. “Are ya listening? Okay, grass grows, birds fly, sun shines, and bruddah, I hurt people. I’m a Force ‘A Nature. If you were from where I was from, you’d be....be...be...what the hell is that?” Scout asked as Pyro lifted Ditzy up in the air.

Pyro lazily answered. “Mph Huddah.”

“What?” He moved closer.

“He said a pony. And actually, I’m a Pegasus. Hiya, mister, the name’s Ditzy. What’s yours?” Ditzy smiled at him, her eyes looking in opposite directions.

“Gah!” Scout backed away in disgust. “The hell’s with its eyes?!”

“Hey! I’m a mare, not an it! And this? It’s a medical condition...”

“And I thought that guy was a freak!” Scout insulted.

“Little puny man will not insult Ditzy pony.” Heavy held Scout up by his neck. “Is insult to me.”

“Whoa, whoa, big guy. Take it easy. No one’s gonna hurt anybody. So just...put me down...”

“NJET. You. Yes you. You are dead!”

“HALP!” Scout slapped Heavy’s face multiple times with his bare hands. “The fat bald bastard’s trying to kill me!”

Heavy was about to say something, but was interrupted by multiple voices.

“Mon dieu!”

“Oi, is that what I think it is, mates?”

“Ay, lads.”

Heavy turned his attention to Sniper, Spy, and Demoman. This, however, proved against him as Scout kicked him in the groin.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!” His pained scream from being kicked in a man’s pride echoed through the entire world.


“Did ya catch the game last night?” A Fillydelphian colt asked his friend. “It was the best one this year.”

“Nah, I was eating a cheese whiz sandwich with extra lettuce. You know, over at Geno’s wiches.”

“The stuff over there are pricey. Well, whatever. Let’s get this giant glass movin’. The boss is gonna kill us if we’re late.”


“That ain’t good.”


“Welcome to our dining shop, sir. What can I get for you today?”

“Why, the finest tea set you have, good sir. Put it under my account.”

“Why, of course, Mr. Pants.”

“Please, just call me Fancy.”


“Oh dear.”

Back at the picnic field


“You done?” Scout asked as he looked at Heavy with a cocky grin.

“Is he finished?” Lyra and Ditzy asked as they removed their hooves from their ears, sure that the sound barrier had been broken.

“I zink so.”

While Heavy had been singing what was basically an opera, the others were skeptical about the ponies, harmony, and all of that other kiddy stuff. But seeing as how Pyro embraced the idea, they no choice but to stay along, be in a temporary truce, and introduce themselves to the ponies.

Heavy slowly got up on his knees. He panted for a few seconds before giving Scout a death glare.

“Oi, big guy, can’t we take this somewhere else?”

“Njet!” Heavy started to move towards scout, but again was stopped by something.

“What’s the matter, mate?” Sniper inquired.

“Are you alright?” Spy asked with a look of some concern.

“That smell.......Heavy knows that smell.”

“Where is it coming from?” Sniper questioned.

“From that place there. It is strong now. I can feel it." Heavy explained as he pointed towards a small house.

“Hey, that’s Berry’s place!” Ditzy said.

“What is it?” Spy asked.

Heavy grinned. He looked at Scout and said “You are lucky, for now...” He turned back to the Frenchman, answering his question. “It’s Sandvich.”