Brony in Equestria: The Tacoing

by Omega Dracomancer

Music

"At the hospital again." I said, getting up.

"Yup." said Nurse Redheart.

I examined myself, nothing out of the ordinary. "I feel good, can I go?"

"I don't see why not, you recover fast, but the Princess asked me to keep you here."

"What's up with her?"

"I don't know, she hasn't told me."

"I'm out. Don't tell the Princess" I said, opening the window and diving out.

"What did you say?" she asked. "Where'd you go?"

"What to do, what to do?" I asked myself. "Got about three months till Discord returns completely, better go read some muttafuggin books."

I arrived at Twilight's library and knocked on the door. No response. "You there Twilight?" I called. No response, so I walked in.

"Unsee, unsee, unsee, unsee, unsee, unsee…" I heard.

"Twilight?" I called, looking around for her. She was upstairs on her bed. She was curled up into a ball and was shaking.

"What happened Twilight?" I asked.

"Unsee, unsee, unsee." she said.

Behind her I saw that my iPod was on and it was on, "Oh Celestia." I said. Twilight had discovered /b/ before she was ready. "Twilight, just stay here and don't think. About anything. I need to get something that'll help. I'll be back." Then I rushed to Sugarcube Corner.

"Hi Phil!" said Pinkie when I got there.

"No time! I need some muffins, Twilight needs to unsee something." I said.

Pinkie understood what had happened and got two muffins for me.

"Thanks." I said, rushing back to Twilight.

I got there and Twilight hadn't moved at all. "This may sting a little." I said, shoving the muffins in her eyes.

"Ah!" she screamed, jumping off the bed, "What was that for?"

"You unsaw." I said.

Twilight thought about it and burst into tears, then hugged me. "It was so horrible! I used your iPod and saw a book so I clicked on it, and saw something called /b/. Oh Celestia, thank you!" she said, "Why would they do that?"

"Don't worry about it Twilight." I said, holding her close, "It can't hurt you anymore."

She calmed down and asked, "Why didn't you have the same reaction as me?"

"Rule 28. There will always be more screwed up stuff than what you just saw." I said.

"What?"

"I've seen worse." I said, "I'm used to the internet. I've been on it far too long to not have."

"A rule? There are rules? What other rules are there?"

"That's enough out of you missy." I said. "Let's go get some cupcakes."

"Yeah, that sounds like fun." she said, getting up.

I grabbed my iPod and looked at the history. "Lightweight." I said.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing important." I replied, "Ladies first."

"Thank you." she said, walking out of the library.

I followed her and we made our way to Sugarcube Corner. "Hey Pinkie, I'm back." I said.

"Hi Phil! How did it go?" she asked.

"It went fine, but Twilight's such a lightweight." I said.

"How am I a lightweight?" she asked.

"Rule 28. You haven't even scratched the surface of the horrors of the internet yet." I said.

"I don't think I want to go on there ever again."

"That's good." I said. "Can we get some cupcakes? I'm buyin'."

"Phil, you get cupcakes free here!" she said, bouncing over.

"Don't treat me any different than a customer when I come in here for food, Pinkie, it isn't right." I said, handing her some bits.

"If you insist!" she said, getting some cupcakes for us.

"Got any hot sauce?" I asked.

She got a bottle from nowhere and gave it to me. I poured it all over my cupcake and ate it all in one bite. "Delish!" I said. Then I drank some hot sauce and set It down on the table. "That's some good sauce."

Pinkie smiled and poured some on hers, and Twilight looked at us with a look of disgust on her face. I saw it and said, "Alright Pinkie, that's enough. don't want to creep out my friend here."

Pinkie put the bottle away and ate regular cupcakes.

"Thanks." said Twilight.

I smiled and devoured another cupcake. "I gotta go." I said. "Something I wanted to do for a while."

"What's up?" asked Pinkie.

"Wanna talk to somepony, who's name escapes me. Never mind actually." I said, sitting back down. "Who was it?"

"Weird." said Twilight.

"It was somepony, I'm sure of it, but I can't remember who. Guess it doesn't matter, but I am going to leave." I said, standing up again.

"Where going?" asked Pinkie.

"Just going for a walk, care to join me?" I asked.

"I'll go." said Twilight.

"Oo! Oo! Me too! Me too!" said Pinkie, hopping happily.

"Alright then, let's go." I said, walking out.

"Where to?" asked Twilight.

"Just a walk, nowhere in particular until I find something to do." I said, walking down a street.

Pinkie looked like she was ready to explode.

"What's up Pinkie?"

"Somepony's birthday is today, but I don't know whose it is!" she replied.

"It's my birthday today." I said.

"What?" asked Twilight and Pinkie.

"Today's my birthday." I said.

At that, Pinkie was gone. I sighed.

"What's with the sighing?" asked Twilight.

"Nothing important." I said, resuming my walk.

"Phil!" I heard.

"That you Trixie?" I asked. Yup, Trixie.

She ran up to me and dived, crashing into me. She was sobbing a bit and hugged me. I hugged her back and asked, "Are you alright?"

"I was worried about you Phil. After you came back here, you were sent straight to the hospital! I thought something bad had happened to you." she said.

"Sorry for worrying you, Trixie. Are you ok?" I asked.

"I am now." she said. "Don't scare me like that again."

"Don't worry, it's me we're talking about. I'll be fine. I'm much more worried about you than me." I said.

"Thank you Phil." she said.

"So you're fine now?" I asked.

"Yeah." she said.

"That's good to know. You wanna walk with us? We really aren't going anywhere in particular."

"That would be nice." she said.

Nothing eventful happened for a while as we were walking. Trixie and Twilight were talking about magic and I was enjoying their company.

We passed a store and saw an unhappy customer inside complaining to an employee. Twilight wanted to go inside to help, but I stopped her saying, "Don't go in there, this problem will solve itself in a few seconds, and someone will get trolled."

"Trolled?" she asked.

"Messed with, usually deserving what they get. This is gonna be funny, maybe." I explained. Then I materialized some lawn chairs for them to sit at. "Take a seat, front row tickets."

Twilight and Trixie laid down on their chairs, and I fell in the grass, hands behind head, listening to the unhappy customer.

"What do you mean I can't have any hayburgers?" he yelled.

"Breakfast ends at 11:30, you can get you burgers then."

"Damn it! This place sucks, I want to see your manager!"

"My manager? Hold on a minute." said the cashier with an evil smile on his face.

"I know that smile." I said to Trixie and Twilight.

The 'manager', who was the pony in another uniform, came out of the back of the store and asked, "What's the problem here?"

"Your stupid cashier says that I can't have any hayburgers,"

"And you have a problem with that?" he asked. 'This guy is good.' I thought.

"Yes I have a problem with that! I want my damn burger!"

"Well, see ya in two hours then." he said, walking away.

"Get back here!" yelled the customer.

"Sir, if you don't leave the store, I'm going to have to throw you out."

"Go ahead and try it." he said.

At this point I got up and walked in. I went over to the troublemaking pony and said, "You probably should do what he says."

"Screw that! I want a burger!" he said.

I picked him up and threw him out of the building.

"Thanks for that, sir." the cashier told me.

"You were very successful at what you did." I replied.

I walked out and Twilight and Trixie were laughing a bit at what had happened.

"See? I told you that it was funny."

"He definitely wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed." said Twilight.

"That was pretty funny." said Trixie. "I need to go now, I have something to do right now. Goodbye Phil, Twilight."

"Goodbye Trixie!" we said, waving.

"Lets resume the pointless walk, shall we?" I asked Twilight.

"Oh yes, let's." she replied.

We walked silently for about twenty minutes, then I heard music.

"What's that?"

"What's what?" asked Twilight.

"Do you hear music?"

"I think I do, we must be near Vinyl's house." she said.

"Where is her house?"

"Four down on the left, why?"

"I recognize that style of music, it's one of my favorites, I want to listen."

"Alright then." she said.

The closer we got to the house, the louder the music was.

"This is too loud!" said Twilight, stopping.

"I'm going in, see ya later." I said, resuming constant speed.

Just then the song stopped and another started to play.

"SWEET!" I yelled. Vinyl had started a song I liked. "How did she get those? Did my iPod automatically hack into her sound system?"

I started to sing along quietly, and the music stopped midway through. I knocked on the door and Vinyl answered it.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Name's Phil, got some nice tunes, Vinyl." I said.

"I know, these new songs I found are pretty neat."

"Got any more?" I asked.

"Yeah, wanna listen?" she asked, inviting me in.

"Absolutely." I said, following her in.

"What songs you like?" she asked.

"Play another by the same artist."

"Don't have any more by him, don't even know who he is, or what the song name is."

"Really?" I asked.

She nodded.

"I can fix that." I said, pulling out my iPod. "You got headphone-to-speaker cords?"

"Yeah, give me a minute." she said, tossing some stuff around. "Here they are."

She gave them to me and I hooked them up. "Pick a number, 1-17."

"4." she said.

"Alright, four it is."

Vinyl listened to the song for a while. I closed my eyes and slowly head banged to the beat, I knew that she was doing something similar. Then the song ended, and she looked disappointed.

"Let's hear more!" she said.

"Can't, gotta go."

She looked sad when I said this.

"What do you play your music on?" I asked, taking my iPod.

"I play them with my recording studio." she said.

"Can I see it?" I asked.

"Sure." she said, showing it to me.

"I'm going to put some similar songs onto here." I said.

"You can do that?" she said excitedly.

"Yeah, gimme a second." I said, using my magic to copy my songs to her device. I told her how to access them, and she immediately picked one.

"This one sounds completely different." she said.

"I know, don't worry about it. Same guy, just different music styles. Also maybe a few more artists got in." I explained.

"Cool."

"This one's my favorite actually." I said.

"It's great!" she said.

"I know, I gotta go, see ya." I said.

She followed me upstairs and showed me out the door.

I opened the door and stopped. I turned around and looked at Vinyl's glasses.

"What's up?" she asked.

"You." I said.

"Huh?"

I reached up and took her glasses from her, then felt a solid whack on the jaw as she uppercutted me. I flew out the door and landed on the soft grass, dropping the glasses.

"I knew it."

"What?" she asked angrily, retrieving her glasses.

"Your eyes are red." I said, getting up. "Sorry 'bout taking your glasses, just had to know if I was right."

"Don't do it again or I'll sock ya harder." she said.

"I would imagine." I said, then I smiled, "Your eyes are beautiful."

She blushed when I said that.

"I gotta say, you are an awesome pony. I'm not the only one from where I come from who thinks so as well. Thousands think you're awesome where I come from. You're awesome, and you should feel awesome."

"Wow, I... Wait, where exactly do you come from?"

"Different planet altogether. Y'know, everybody only saw you for about three seconds and you're one of the most loved ponies there is."

"What are you talking about?"

"Whatever, I'm out. See ya later, Vinyl Scratch."

"Um, bye Phil."

"Yo Vinyl, got anything for me to do? I'm drawing a blank over here."

"Sorry, can't help ya there."

"Alright." I said, walking randomly. Then I remembered something, "The princess is going to be so pissed when she finds out that I'm not there." Then I thought about it, "She is going to be at the hospital to check on me in maybe three minutes and I'm a couple of miles away. Time to fly!"

I spread my wings and ran foreword. I kicked off of a rock on the ground and launched myself into the air. "Flying is so much fun." I said.

"Look out!" yelled Rainbow.

I looked at her and it seemed like she couldn't stop. She was so close to me. My senses quickened and the world around me slowed for an instant. I caught Rainbow and stopped her.

"What's going on?" I asked calmly, placing Rainbow on my stomach and put my hooves behind my head, lazily flying at a casual pace.

"Sorry about that." she said.

"Don't worry about it, are you ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." she said. "But are you ok?"

"Stop worrying about me. Let me tell you something, if something happens to me, I'll always be fine, I'm good like that. But if something happens to you, you could really hurt yourself. You need to be more careful than me." I said.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Prolly, gonna get hurt soon if I keep living the way I have. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though."

"Alright then." she said.

"Time to move, Rainbow." I said.

"Sorry about that." she said, blushing.

"Race you to the hospital." I said, this got her back to normal.

"You're on!" she said.

"On my mark, 3...2...1!" I yelled.

Rainbow rushed forward and left me in the dust. I kept my slow pace. When she was way ahead of me, I picked up the pace and put forth a burst of speed that would've tore something up, if there was anything around me to tear. This speed burst created a sonic boom. Rainbow had heard it but continued to fly. I passed her in seconds and zoomed ahead to the hospital. I opened my wings fully and used my magic to come to a full stop.

"What was that?" yelled Rainbow when she got to me.

"I went fast." I replied smugly.

"I saw that, I was talking about that boom. Did you do a sonic rainboom?"

"Close but no cigar. I did a regular sonic boom. Same thing, just less colors. Y'see, I infused my flying with a bit of magic, creating a pseudo-teleport. The difference being that it was only speed, and not a real teleport. Even so, I got really lucky."

"Why?"

"The sonic boom should've ripped my body to shreds, since it didn't, that's good."

"Rip your body to shreds?" she asked.

"Enough of the body ripping, I gotta meet Luna in about…" Then I dashed to my room and laid in the bed, "Two seconds."

"What about two seconds?" asked Luna, opening the door.

"Nothing important." I said. "What's up?"

"I need to ask you a few questions."

"Alright, shoot."

"How did you know what you did?"

"Just a bit of human intuition. I had given it some thought, then I realized what would happen. It was like a spark was lit up in my head."

"Alright then. Are you sure that your information about Discord was accurate?"

"Yes. I told you, very sure. Something will happen when the time comes. I will fight it, alone preferably."

"Why do you wish to fight it alone?"

"I don't want anypony hurt. Not you, not Celestia, nopony. If I go in alone, I can remove the battle from the area and have a 43% chance of being able to finish it and rid the world of the problem."

"How can you be able to do that? Why are you so sure of what you could do?"

"I got a bit of a boost. I came to another universe. Breathed it's air, drank it's water. It's all different. I feel different. Like I could actually do something with my life. I'm stronger, I know I am, and all that's left to do is prove it."

"That was quite the phrase."

"Is that all?" I asked.

"No, Twilight has informed me that you never wished to kill, yet there have been rumors of you making death threats around the kingdom."

"They're all empty, I have no wish to follow through with any of them. I may give someone a good thrashing, but I won't kill them." I said. "They can get back up and attack again, but if I've beaten them once, I can do it again."

"Yes that's all I wanted to know." she said, walking away.

"Wait up!" I said, getting up and walking over to her.

"What do you need?"

"Can I use your wing for a second?" I asked.

"My wing? Why?" she asked.

"Just wanna feel it, wings are soft." I said.

"I see no problem with that." she said, turning so I could.

I reached forward and touched it. "Soft." I said. 'It's even softer than Fluttershy's wing.' I thought. My hand acted strange and I examined it closer. "What the hell?"

"What did you do?" she asked.

"My hand, it's human again." I said, lifting my hand. "Looks like it's time for another bolt of lightning!"