Brony in Equestria: The Tacoing

by Omega Dracomancer

Mane 6 Again

PONYVILLE

Twilight p.o.v.

"Spike, come here!" I shouted.

"What is it?" he asked, running down the stairs.

"Look at this!" I said happily. I levitated a book in front of his face and he started reading it.

"'The properties of one physical plane of space and another can be merged using an alternate version of an Abyss spell, creating a means of interdimensional transport.' What does that mean?"

"It means that interdimensional travel is possible!"

"Yeah, we already know that, remember? How else can you explain Pinkie telling us that Phil and the Princess are in another dimension?"

"I mean for regular ponies. Princess Luna is different from other ponies, and Phil... he's pretty strange... so..."

"Alright, I get it, Phil's strange."

EARTH

Achoo!

PONYVILLE

"What are you going to do with this new knowledge?" asked Spike.

"I know about these Abyss spells, but they're astronomically complex. They're used to transport things into their own dimension for easy travel, it was removed from spell books for being much too difficult. I don't think anypony still knows how to use them. The last recorded use was when Starswirl the Bearded used it to transfer supplies to a group of ponies cut off from civilization. I don't even know if Princess Celestia can do it."

"Wow, a spell that the Princess couldn't do. Must be pretty powerful. I bet it takes a lot of energy."

"Actually Spike, the energy consumption is minuscule. It just takes a lot of preparation and knowledge, and it's far more precise than most care for. It can't be copied like Rarity's gem finding spell."

"And you're going to try and learn it, aren't you?"

"Yes, but this is an alternate version, where would I find it? The alternate version was created by Starswirl himself, but he only discovered the original." I said. I looked back in the book and read a little more. "More on the Abyss and the variations of it in 'The Multiverse' by Starswirl the Bearded. How'd I miss that?"

"I know what that means. Back to the Starswirl the Bearded section. I'll get my suit."

"No need, Spike. Walking around Canterlot isn't illegal." I told him. He grumbled and got on my back. "You think that we should tell anypony?"

"We didn't tell anypony last time, remember?"

"Ugh, don't remind me. Alright, let's go."

CANTERLOT

"That took longer than expected." I said.

"That's because you stopped to make sure we were going the right way."

"Well I didn't want to go the wrong way."

"There was only one way!"

We walked to the Canterlot library and saw some guards waiting outside it. They were looking around and seemed official.

"Hello, may we go inside?" I asked.

"Sure thing Twilight! Just be careful, the Princess isn't really happy."

"What happened to her?"

"She won't say. She just keeps muttering, 'Luna is safe but gone.' It's great that Princess Luna is safe, but where did she go is what I want to know."

"She's in the human world, with that Phil guy." said Spike. Then he gasped and covered his mouth.

"She's with Phil?" he asked, shocked.

"Aw crud." I said.

One of the guards started to run off, but fell to the ground, along with the other guard. Their bodies were levitated into the library and Princess Celestia walked out.

"Nopony needs to know about Luna and Phil in the human world." she said. She looked miserable, like she hasn't slept in a few days.

"Princess! Are you alright?" I asked.

"I'm good, don't worry. I was just looking for a book."

"Which book?"

"The Multiverse, it's by..."

"Starswirl the Bearded."

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I'm looking for the same thing."

"Really?"

"Yes, another book I was reading said that multidimensional travel was possible. I was looking for that book because it had information on alternate Abyss spells."

She leaned in close to me and had a creepy smile on her face. "Why do you want to use the dimensional travel spell?" she asked, seeming to know the answer already. She started to laugh and said, "Oh Twilight, I can practically hear you blush!"

"W... well... why do you want to use it?"

"I want to see my sister again, of course." she said.

"Well, if we're going to find it, we need to get to work. Spike!"

"Yes Twilight?"

"Help us find the book."

"I already did." he said, holding a book up. "You're worse than Twilight when you need to find a book, you know that, Princess?"

"When did you..."

"You and the Princess were talking longer than you thought."

"Well, good job Spike!"

"Yes, thank you Spike." said Celestia.

"No problem, here you go!" he said, handing me the book.

I used my magic to change it to the page that had the Abyss spells on it and we started to read it together, just like when I was a philly.

"Here it is, Abyssal alternations. It says here that..."

SMART TALK

"Wow, this thing is more complicated than I thought." I said.

I looked at Princess Celestia and she was grumbling, irritated at the spell. "This is much harder than a regular Abyss spell." she said. "Wow."

"Where'd Spike go?"

"I think he said something about Pony Joe's."

"He does like Pony Joe's."

"Wasn't that where we were after the Gala two years ago?"

"I just wanna forget about that night."

Celestia laughed a little and stood up. "I don't, it was the best Gala that I've been to. Let's go get Spike, the spell can wait. It will take us a large amount of time to get it right. Did Starswirl make it complicated on purpose? Probably not, but if so, why?"

"I don't think he would try to make it more complex." I replied.

"You're right, but still, I got this weird feeling about this spell."

"Me too, but still, I'm going to use it, if only to see if I can."

"I agree."

EARTH

My p.o.v.

"You feel that?" I asked Luna.

"Yeah, something strange is going on. Magically strange."

"I saw something when it happened, a place that I actually know the location to."

"Same here. Where is it? What is it, and why did we see it?"

"The place we saw was the Coliseum in Rome. It's not really out of our way, either. We've been flying east-southeast, so we can stop there, I think. I play too much Assassin's Creed to not know where it is. Ha! As for why, I don't know. Must be important though."

SOME UNDEFINED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER, POSSIBLY A DAY OR TWO

PONYVILLE

Twilight p.o.v.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I brought you all together." I said, addressing my friends.

"Well yeah, you came and got us in a hurry and didn't say anything." said Rainbow.

"Yes, darling, why are we here?" asked Rarity.

"You're here because we found a way to bring our friends back from the human world." said Princess Celestia.

"Really?" asked Pinkie happily. "I've been shaking all day! That must have been what it was." Then she shook again. "Guess not."

"Right... Anyways, we're going to cast the spell, stand back a little." I said.

They stepped back and Celestia and I started the spell. It quickly took it's toll on both of our intellects, but we managed to create a paper thin circle of pure white light that shook, then stabilized.

"Here it is, Phil and Princess Luna should be able to step through in a few moments." I said.

The portal grew larger and larger, and I looked at Princess Celestia who was as clueless as I was. Pinkie started to shake, and we were engulfed by the circle, which had turned into a sphere. The sphere was black with a thin white line crossed by a light green line.

"I think we miscalculated." was the last thing that I heard.

EARTH

My p.o.v.

"We're here, but why did we come here?" asked Luna.

"I don't know, but I taste metal and the air is vibrating. I'm all for the metal taste, but air doesn't do that."

"But it feels good." she said.

"Lalala! Not listening! Not listening!" I said, putting my fingers in my ears. "Mmm... Metal."

"What's up with you?" she asked, confused.

"Human stuff. Hey, what was that?" I asked, getting a feeling that something is going to happen.

"I think we should step back." she said.

"I think you're right."

We stepped back and a large sphere of black light with a white and red strip crossing along it. It shook, then stabilized. I walked over to it and examined it. "That is some really good animation." I said.

"Animation? What's that?"

"Nothing."

The sphere split along the lines and disappeared, and the contents were seven very beautiful women. 'Dear diary, jackpot.'

"Hey, wake up!" I said.

They didn't move and I looked at Luna. "Are they going to be ok?" she asked.

"They'll be fine, ponies are resilient. They may need to visit the hospital though. Hey! We need some help over here!" I shouted.

A man ran up to us and examined our friends. "Don't worry, I'm a professional, tell me what happened here?" he asked.

"They just fainted, all of them. I don't know why, but they're safe, I'm fairly certain of that."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't have any reason to lie about health, I think. So, are they gonna be alright?"

"Yeah, they're just sleeping, all of them. This is very odd."

"So they're completely fine?"

"Yeah, they just need to wake up. It's not even coma-like... very, very odd."

"Hey, where's the closest motel around here? They're gonna need a place to sleep for the night."

"What? These women need proper care, at least until their condition is diagnosed."

"It'll be fine..." I said, magically making him agree.

He told me where we could stay and I levitated them into the air, then flew off, leaving him in a dumbfounded state.

We got there and I gave them to Luna and told her to wait outside. Eight people, eight beds, gonna have to get more money tomorrow.

"How much would it be for a total of eight beds?" I asked the man behind the counter.

He started talking and I couldn't understand him. I held up my hand and walked outside. "Hey Luna, I just realized that we're not in Russia anymore. New language and currency."

I looked in my bag and my money was now Italian style. "Magic money. Now, language spell."

LIGHTS AND ALL THAT STUFF

"Alright, what'll it run me to get a total of eight beds?" I asked him.

"Weren't you just in here, speaking English?" he asked.

"Yeah, but that's irrelevant now."

"You look kind of young, are you sure you're old enough to rent a room?"

"Actually, I know that I'm not. I am indeed too young, but it's not like you know that now." I said, casting a spell on him.

We continued on as if I were a normal customer and I got us two rooms that were connected. I looked into the bag and realized that I was running on empty. Back to the bars.

LATER

"More money for little effort! Man, I love this power! I wish that it was natural, then it would be perfect!"

I headed back to Luna and our friends hadn't woken up yet. "I hope that man was correct, and that they just need some sleep."

"He was right."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I just know it."

"That's relieving. Geez, this is gonna look odd."

"What is?"

"Me, traveling around with eight beautiful women. Guys would give me a thumbs up, but girls would be... something. Women will forever be a mystery to men until the end of time."

"Your world is confusing."

"I know, I've lived here all my life."

I checked the time, late. "Let's head for bed."

I hopped onto my bed and Luna walked over to me. "You got your own bed, you know that, right?" I asked.

"Yeah..."

"Alright, c'mere." I said. She smiled and laid down next to me. "Your hair is so soft, and shiny, and cold, and awesome." I said, running my hand through her mane. "It's so soothing."

She smiled and closed her eyes, and I kept running my hand through her hair. "Goodnight Phil."

"Goodnight Luna."

NEXT DAY

"Oooooo..." "Well..." "That was unexpected." "Um..." "They look cute together!"

I opened my eyes and saw all seven of them looking at me and Luna. "How ya doing?" I asked with a smile.

"We're good, why is my sister sleeping with you?" asked Celestia.

"Yeah, tell us!" said Pinkie.

"I would also care to know." said Twilight.

"Alright then, she's my girlfriend."

This shocked them all on different levels. I smiled and sat up. I yawned and got out of the bed. I walked past Rainbow Dash and looked at her back. She still had her wings, that's good. That means that Fluttershy had her wings and Twilight and Rarity had magic. Celestia had both is my assumption. 'Wings are kick-ass.'

"How'd you handle to your human bodies?" I asked.

"My sister taught me how to walk like a human, and I taught them." said Celestia.

"Now that is some good thinking right there."

"Well, we were heading to a place that's thousands of miles away, and we were flying most of the distance. Now I gotta get us an alternate means of transportation. I was not expecting to travel with eight other people, four of which have wings."

"Seems like you were having fun." said Pinkie.

"Still am, even more so now that you're here. You ponies are the life of a party."

"Which party?"

"All of them! It doesn't even need to be a party, you girls make everything better."

"Yeah, and all these people reading this will agree that ponies are ponyrific." said Pinkie.

"Fourth wall structural integrity .08% and dropping, she will get out." I said in monotone.

Everyone looked at me and Pinkie with a mix of confusion and happiness. I shrugged and Luna woke up. She sat up and smiled at us.

"Celestia! How have you been?" she asked happily.

"I've been nice, no major changes. How about you Luna, being in this world?"

"It's been really fun! You should have been there! Phil showed me around this place called Russia, and I got drunk, and we ran from the police, and we..."

"You ran from the police?"

"Yeah, it was exciting."

Celestia turned to me with an angry look in her eyes. "Why were you running from the police?"

"Funny story that... Well first, I wrecked a secret military base. Next we got caught, but we ran again. Lastly, I told them that I would help them, but now they have no idea where I even am right now." Celestia couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Maybe we don't share the same sense of humor, but I found it funny."

Those probably weren't the right words, because the next thing I knew, I was magically thrown against the wall. "I probably deserved that."

"Yes you did! Phil, you made things dangerous for the sake of fun. If Luna got hurt, so help me..."

"Hey! I care about her too! I would hate myself if anything happened to her because of me. That goes for all of you. You're my friends, I want to keep you safe, no matter what." I said. Then I smiled and said, "Enough violence for one hour, let's go outside."

"Yeah sis, I'm safe, so don't beat Phil up. Besides, I helped him do it, so..."

"Yeah, just lemme get my get out my little desert eagle." I said, holding up the pistol.

"What's a desert eagle?" asked Applejack.

"Where the hell did this come from?" I asked, throwing the gun into the air and morphing it back into the wall. "What?"

"What?"

"No really, what?"

"Are you ok Phil?"

"Indubitably. Let's go." I said with a laugh.

I walked away and Celestia leaned over to Luna and said, "Is he sane?"

"Maybe."

I walked back and said, "I'm lost. I'm gonna use the window."

I hopped out the window and floated around in the air for a minute. Rainbow Dash hopped out after me and wobbled around in the air. "How ya doing, Dasher?"

"Good, I guess. I haven't been able to fly correctly ever since I got this new body."

"Problematic. You'll learn, eventually. Just as long as you can stay in the air, you'll be fine, probably."

"I guess so, but how can I be the fastest flyer without my wings?"

"Sorry to tell you this, but there are things in this world even faster than me. You will not be the fastest flyer here. Equestria, probably, but not here."

"What?"

"Whale biologist, I calls 'em as I sees 'em."

"Huh?"

"Hey Phil! Down here!" shouted Pinkie.

I closed my wings and dived down a few hundred feet. I landed on my feet and heard a scream. I looked up and saw Dash falling out of the air. Everything got slower and I reached my arms out in front of me. I caught her and time resumed normal playback.

"Alright?" I asked.

I set her back on her feet and she said, "Yeah, thanks man."

"Ok, let's go." I said. I put my hand on the ground and made a red keytar with a long handle. I slung it over my shoulder and started walking.

"Can you play that?" asked Twilight.

"No, but it looks kick-ass. I can't play any instrument here. A better bet would be to hire a wet sock than me. Ha! I crack me up."

"That's a good one!" said Pinkie, laughing.

We walked around and got some food, many people giving us odd looks. They were having fun talking to each other, and I was leaning back on my chair, listening to anything that caught my interest.

Eventually they finished eating and we left. Rarity walked over to me and said, "Phil, how are the clothes in this world?"

"That's a matter of opinion. Personally, I really don't like them. I'll take you to a clothes store if you want, but later."

"Alright, thank you."

I looked at them and noticed what their clothes. Celestia had a dress type gown thing, but for everyday use. Twilight was dressed in school clothes. Fluttershy had a sweater and jeans on. Rainbow had a muscle shirt and basketball shorts. Pinkie had a t-shirt and jean shorts. Rarity had a white shirt and tight pants. Applejack had a red plaid shirt and dirty work pants, along with her awesome hat.

"What are ya'll staring at?" asked Applejack.

"Your hat, it's cool."

"It is a mighty fine hat." she said, taking it off and looking at it.

"Fo' shizzle" I said, moving my arms above my head. "On a possibly related note, what do you girls wanna do today?"

"I wanted to head to a library and learn all that I can about this world." said Twilight.

"I was gonna fix my flying." said Dash.

"Party all day long!"

"Ah'm gonna try and see what kinds of apple products they sell here."

"I'm going to examine human clothes."

"Um... I wanted to know what kind of animals live here, if you don't mind that is." said Fluttershy.

I looked at Celestia and she shrugged. "Hang with your sister or something." I said happily. "Anyways, I gotta get some more money, feeding and housing nine different people gets expensive."

"How ya gonna do that?" asked Applejack.

"I just arm wrestle people in bars all day. Usually gets me a nice return, depending on the cash flow."

"Isn't that dishonest?"

"Maybe, but as long as they agree to it, I'm liability free."

"Ah suppose so."

"I just don't know how I'm gonna do everything." I said.

"Don't worry about that Phil, I can take care of it." said Twilight, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a notebook and pencil. She had some trouble gripping the pencil right, then used her magic to write something down.

She gave the paper to me and I read it. "That'll work. Good job, Twilight!"

We all went our separate ways and I gave most of my money to them so they could get lunch and the like. We all planned to meet back in the room later during the day.

LATER

I was at a bar and was winning some money. Nobody could believe what was happening. A kid was easily beating them at arm wrestling. "How's that?" I asked, winning again.

"This isn't right, it's just a fluke." said the man.

"Fluke or not, I won, now pay up." I said.

"Fine." he grumbled.

The door opened and Applejack and Rainbow Dash walked in, talking to each other. I waved at them and they walked over to me.

"So, you really were hustling these guys." said Rainbow.

"Eeyup."

Applejack sat down in front of me and said, "You and me, let's go."

The guys around me were confused. "Arm wrestle?" I asked.

She nodded and put her arm up. I shrugged and grabbed her hand. A man counted down, and we started, none of us moving an inch.

"Uh kid, it started." he said.

"I know." I said, struggling to get the words out.

Applejack hadn't moved at all, she was even still smiling, and showing no signs of strain. Then she started to move her arm down effortlessly. My hand hit the table and everybody was speechless, even me.

I looked at my arm and said, "Are you sure you're not Big Mac in disguise?"

She laughed and said, "Naw, that's what Ah get for working all my life. If Big Mac was here, your arm might've come off."

"I don't doubt that." I said.

"Me next, me next!" said Dash.

Applejack got up and Dash sat down. She put her arm up and I did the same. I grabbed her hand and and we got ready.

"2, 1, go." he said.

We both put force behind our hands, and her hand started to move down. We both smiled and she started to move back up. My arm started to go down, but I returned us to the starting point.

A FEW MINUTES LATER

"I still don't know how you beat me." I said.

"That was tough." said Rainbow. "My arm's gonna be sore in the morning."

"Yeah. Oh yeah, I forgot to give you something." I said. I pulled out my bag, took out some money, and gave it to them.

"What's this for?"

"Winnings. You won, so you get money."

"That seems fair." said Applejack.

"Money's always good to have."

"You got that right. So, why'd you two head here to a bar?"

"We talked to Princess Luna on our way down here..."

"And she told you about beer?" I finished.

"Yeah, that. We were planning to have some."

"Well don't. Beer isn't good for you. Of course now that you have money, I'm not gonna stop you from using it on whatever you want." I said. 'Tonight is gonna be really funny.'

"Bad for us?" asked Applejack.

"Messes with your organs after large amounts of consumption for a year or two. Doesn't allow you to think straight when you drink too much, but isn't permanent, and the next day, you'll never want to drink it again."

"Why not?" asked Rainbow.

"You'll find out. Anyways, I'm not even legally allowed to drink it, so I don't know exactly what happens."

"So in other words, we can?" asked Applejack.

"Oh come on, just let the gals drink, don't be a sore loser." said one of the men I had beaten.

I shrugged and said, "Go ahead."

They smiled and ordered some beers. Someone walked up to me and said, "How were they both able to beat you? The blond one looked like she didn't even have any problems doing it either!"

"They're both very strong, and Applejack's worked on a farm her entire life. She can kick all the apples off of a tree with one kick."

"Applejack? That's her name?"

"That's right."

"And what's the lesbian's name?"

I grabbed his throat and squeezed, not enough to cut off breathing, but enough to hold on to him. I pulled him in closer and looked him right in the eyes. "If you say that again, I'm going to break every bone in your body." I said angrily.

I let him go and resumed the happy state that I was in a few seconds ago. He coughed and ran out. I looked back at the bar patrons, nobody had seen me, lucky. I also noticed that everyone was looking at Rainbow and Applejack.

LATER

After losing track of time, I walked over to them and said, "How ya doin'?"

Applejack started speaking to me, but I couldn't understand her. "Hey Dash, how many beers did Applejack have?"

"I don't know, a lot?" she said.

"That's probably bad."

"Yeah, I didn't have as much. My head feels funny. You should try one." she said, handing me a half full can.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Do it."

"Nope."

"C'mon, you know you want to."

"No I don't."

"Do it anyway."

"Fine." I said, grabbing it from her. I drank it down and crushed the can in my hands. "I've always hated that taste."

Applejack fell out of her chair and I caught her. "That's enough for you Applejack." I said.

"Yeh." she managed to get out.

"You too, Dash. C'mon, let's go."

"Alright." she said. She got up and nearly fell over. "Whoa."

"You'll be fine, don't worry."

I lifted Applejack with my magic and put her on my back. She giggled a little and drooped her arms over my shoulders.

"Hey, did they pay?" I asked.

"On the house for anybody able to beat you, kid." said the bartender.

"Alright, thanks man."

"Sure thing."

We walked out and Applejack leaned her head against me. I looked back and saw that she had fallen asleep. 'That right there is almost as cute as Fluttershy, but nothing compares to Fluttershy except more Fluttershy.'

I looked forward and saw that a large group of people wearing similar clothes were looking at us. "Yo Dash, step back a bit." I said.

She moved back and one of the people stepped towards me with a bat in his hand. He took a swing at me, hitting my head and making a nice thumping sound.

"Phil!" screamed Rainbow.

'That hurt like hell, why couldn't I get out of the way in time?' I thought.

I looked back at him and kicked his knee in with a sickening crunch. I spun around and kicked his chest with my other leg, sending him flying. My left eye's vision was starting to turn red, and they all ran at me.

A FEW MOMENTS LATER

"That was less fun than I thought it would be." I said to Dash.

"Are you ok, you were hit pretty bad there." she asked.

"He didn't hit my eye, and I don't feel excruciating pain, so I'm not broken. Also my head is harder than an average human, even before I got ponified. Yeah, I'm fine. What I want to know is why I couldn't dodge it. I guess that beer has way too much of an effect on me."

"But your eye is covered in blood!" she protested.

"It happens, more often than expected actually, mostly because I didn't expect it to happen. Let's go, Applejack needs a place to sleep, and my back just won't do."

She still looked worried, but I ignored her. I walked back to where the place was, and eventually we got there just as the moon appeared on the horizon.

I walked to the room and nobody was there yet. "If I know Twilight, they'll all be here in 15 minutes." I said.

Rainbow laughed and sat down on a bed. I tried to set Applejack down on a bed, but she wouldn't let go. "Let go, clingy!" I said.

I shook her a bit and she didn't let go. "Sonova... Can I get some help over here?" I asked.

"Sorry, but you're stuck with her until morning." said Rainbow, poorly stifling a laugh.

"Of course I am." I said.

I shrugged and laid down next to Applejack. She giggled and held on tighter. 'She's awake, isn't she?' I thought.

Rainbow was laughing at me. "Man, that was so funny." she said.

"Gee, thanks." I said.

"Mah pleasure." said Applejack.

"You little faker." I said. Then they both started laughing.

The last thing I heard before we all fell asleep was the sound of a doorknob turning.