Brony in Equestria: The Tacoing

by Omega Dracomancer

Chapter 24

"... And that's why I'm legally not allowed to use scissors anymore." I finished.

"Wow!"

"That's amazing!"

"That was the best story I've ever heard!"

"I liked the part with the giant robots."

"I think the part with the shark people was better."

"What about the part with the alien abductions?"

"Yeah, that slip n' slide story is always great to tell. Thank god I knew where the ax was. It took a lot of hairspray." I said, "Now let's go."

"Yeah, that story burned half a day."

"Now what's with all the fire?"

"It isn't hot or burning anything."

"Like a background effect."

"Weird. That explosion was pretty weird too."

"Yeah, where did it come from?"

"I don't know what the fires are doing, but they once burned. Feel them now. There's nothing coming from them. Whatever happened, nopony's dead, so that's a plus. Bet Spike's just carrying on with his normal day."

"Why do you say that?"

"During the wedding, he just stood there, not doing anything. He wasn't even bound down."

"I didn't notice that."

"Me either. Got the internet to thank for pointing it out."

"How can you possibly thank that horrid thing?" asked Twilight.

"You just got a bad link to a bad site. Most of the internet is good. Actually, no. For every normal site, there's about five bad sites. I believe that is an actual statistic. Whatever. I have not seen a single living thing since we got here. Weird. Anyways, I have a feeling that whatever happened, Canterlot is the epicenter."

"Why do you say that?"

"Every episode where important things happened involved Canterlot. So by the process of tacos, our next move is... what was I saying?"

"Our next move, what is it?"

"I'm thinkin' Disney World."

"Huh?"

"Didney Worl! What? Oh right, our next move. I say we grab the Elements and kick whatever's plot."

"The Elements? But you said..."

"Yeah, I lied. I do that sometimes."

"What?"

"I have no idea. If they don't work, then they'll lead to a plot event that is guaranteed to work. Kinda like cheese."

"So how we gonna get there?"

"Rule 2: Don't ask questions."

"You never had any rules."

"Rule 17: If there is a problem with any of the rules, see rule 84."

"What's rule 84?"

"Rule 84: If you were directed here by rule 17, go to rule 0."

"And rule 0?"

"Rule 0: Shutcha mouth, lad. We got work to do."

"Just how many rules do you have?"

"2, 3 at the most."

"But..."

"If you have any questions, consult rule 1337."

"Which would be?"

"Rule 1337: Rule 1337 is awesome."

"What?"

"And by my own patented process of tacos, we can safely assume that this chapter will have words in it. Now are we gonna stand here and flap our gums or are we going to save Equestria? I'm just asking because I'm fine with either option."

"I really think we should save Equestria!"

"Ok. Pinkie, monocle!"

She grabbed one from a tree and gave it to me, and I quickly put it on.

"Why?"

"Shutcha mouth, lad. We got work to do. Now, how are we getting to Canterlot?"

"Teleportation?" said Twilight.

"Let's make that the last option."

"We could travel by flying." said Rainbow.

"Nah, that'd take too long. I say either by map or gypsy magic, and I don't see anything that could let us travel by map here. Hey Pinkie..."

"Pay attention, Phil! We're already there!" she said.

I looked around. Canterlot. "That is just plain not fair." I said.

"Why not?"

"I want gypsy magic to." I handed Pinkie a pair of sunglasses.

"What are those for?" asked Rainbow.

"I gotta deal with it. Hmm... Something's feeling rustley. Somepony's jimmies are being rustled. Somehow, somewhere. Ooo! Let's grab some cheese!" I said happily.

"Why cheese?"

"It's all part of my grand plan. We need a brick sized slab of cheese and a small wheel of cheese. Also we're going to need a lemon and hot sauce pie and an onion."

They spread out and got the ingredients. I grabbed a bag of Raritys. I mean marshmallows. "Whatever, the two are interchangeable. Like Spike and Rainbow Dash."

"So what are these for?" asked Twilight.

"I'll tell you later."

"Really?"

"Not at all."

"Kinda figured that."

"No you didn't."

"But..."

"Ooo, good, you got the cheese!" I said happily.

I thought for a second, then said, "Does anypony here have a supersonic stereo system?"

"I don't think so."

"Good, because that sounds like a stupid idea."

"Why'd you say it?"

"Tacos. Now a real question at this time would be, where are the Elements? No doubt moved after some... indecent. Somewhere guarded, somewhere safe. Somewhere nopony would suspect. Or maybe they would suspect. Don't know or care. The castle's the best bet, right Celestia?"

"That's right, but we need to be a bit careful. We have some guests right now, no doubt looking for us." she said.

"Are they hookers?"

"No."

"And like that you've lost me."

"What's wrong with guests?"

"Nothing. What's wrong with a good hooker every now and again. Then again, pony, human. Then again, tacos."

We walked to the castle. "Any secret tunnels we can use to avoid traffic?"

"Well yes, but..."

"Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel! Through the mountain! Secret, secret, secret, secret tunnel! Yeah!" I sang happily.

I ran off in a random direction, then ran back and said, "Maybe you should lead the way, because I have no idea where I'm going."

She nodded and walked off. I stayed behind the group, then disappeared behind some buildings. "Step one: ditch world's best friends possible, check. Now, on to step two." I said to myself.

Now enough about him, he's weird.

PONIES

THIRD POV

"The entrance is this way." said Celestia.

"Where does it lead out?" asked Twilight.

"You'll love this, sewers."

"That's disgusting!" said Rarity unhappily.

"It's the only way in. Every other entrance is closely guarded. Good isn't it, Phil?"

"Yeah, it's great." said Pinkie with a poor impersonation.

"Pinkie?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you do that?"

"Because it's not like he's gonna answer."

"And why not?"

"He's been gone for the past twenty minutes."

"What?" she asked, turning around.

"Where'd he go?"

"He took off."

"Where?"

"I don't know. He doesn't tell me everything!"

"Well what did he tell you?"

"He said that it's all part of his grand master plan. He's a few steps ahead of everypony by now. What plan it was, I don't know, but I'm sure it will somehow involve tacos in some way, shape, or form. As for where he is, he didn't tell me that either."

"Why are you his informant?"

"Something about reality warping. I never really figured that out either. Could be something else entirely."

"Hmm..."

"Lets keep going. We have a mission right now." said Luna.

"Right."

They headed to a sewer entrance and Celestia opened it with her magic and jumped in. "I regret making this tunnel." she said. "At least there's a ledge we can walk on."

"We're really going down there?" asked Rarity.

"Yes, now get a move on."

They all got in and Luna closed it after taking one last look around.

"Alright, everypony, this way." said Celestia.

"This place smells horrid."

"Just a little further."

"Over here." they heard from the darkness.

"Who's there?"

"S'me, Omega."

"You're Phil's friend, aren't you?"

"Yeah, where is he?"

"Dunno, but he'll be back eventually."

"Eventually." he repeated.

"So what are you doing here?"

"After I broke out of prison, I needed somewhere to hide. This place was pretty good, so I just stayed here."

"What'd you do for food?"

"Things."

"And what would those be?"

"Stuff, just... never mind. This way, the Elements are over here."

"Is he right?"

"Yeah, they're over there." said Celestia. "How do you know that, Omega?"

"There were power spikes coming from over here."

"Very observant of you."

They made a few turns and made it to a door that had a jewel in it. "Here it is." said Celestia. She opened the door with her magic and got out the box.

"Here we are, girls. Take these and we can go." said Luna.

They all grabbed their respective pieces of jewelry and put them on. "Alright, let's go." said Twilight.

"Good luck, girls." said Omega.

"You're not coming?"

"Nah. Goodbye." he said happily.

"Well, bye Omega."

They quickly left the sewer system. "Now, we should find Phil, because right now, his plan is the only one we have." said Celestia.

"Hellooo, Canterlot!" they all heard.

PHIL

FIRST POV

"Hellooo, Canterlot!" I shouted through my 'borrowed' supersonic stereo system. "Guess who I found! That's right! Public enemy #1, Phil! You want some?" I pulled the microphone closer to my mouth and said calmly, "Come and get it."

The guards poured out of the castle like bees. "Oh, and friends, retreat, there's no way we can pull this off with this many guards."

I shot off and laughed at how stupid I was. "Hope they got the message." I said.

After a few minutes, quite unsurprisingly, they were still following me. "Not like Assassin's Creed. Run for a few moments, then it's like you never did anything in your life. Hope these guys are allergic to references, 'cause I'm full of 'em."

I stopped at the edge of a cliff. I turned around and smiled. "Hello!" I shouted.

I flipped off the edge, then jammed a knife in the underside and swung into a cave. It was a very deep cave. "Probably goes to the diamond mines. Or maybe Mexico." I ran deeper inside and was met with, holy shit how unexpected, more tunnels.

"Dayum, this goes on forever. No, never say that. You know better."

'Quiet you.'

"Fuck you, brain!"

'Well fuck you too, bruh.'

"It goes on for a while. Yes, good brain. Now, it'll be easy for them to get lost. Pro, escape. Con... Where's the entrance?"

'Only one thing left to do.'

"Cry like a baby?"

'We can do that later. Go deeper into the cave.'

"Yeah, cheese."

I ran forward, not really caring where I ended up. Not caring didn't pay off, because I just got more lost.

"Ok, now there really is only one logical thing to do."

'Oh?'

"Bend the laws of the universe to my will."

'Yeah man! Do it! Do it, do it, do it!"

"No."

'Ok.'

"Actually, I can think of one thing."

'No you can't.'

"Well fuck you too."

'Come at me, bro!'

"But really, I could just dig my way out."

'Do a bit of diggy?'

I grabbed a pickaxe and shouted, "I am a dwarf and I'm digging a hole! Diggy diggy hole! I'm digging a hole!"

'Don't dig up.'

"Fuck you, I do what I want."

I looked straight up, swung the pick, then was met face to face with lava. I put the block back, then said, "Maybe I shouldn't dig up."

'Dumbass.'

"Thanks for the self-confidence."

I dug a staircase to the surface, singing the entire way up. I surfaced near a doughnut store, robbed some doughnuts, and proceeded to step 2.

Now enough about him, he's carrots. Why's he carrots? 'Cause he is.

PONIES

THIRD POV

"Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" asked Rainbow.

"Yup! He clearly told us to go into the castle while the guards were gone." said Pinkie happily.

"But he said retreat."

"Yes he did, now let's go."

"Are you sure?"

"Nope!" she said happily.

"That's good enough for me!"

"Umm..."

"What's wrong?"

"They wouldn't send the entire group to get somepony."

"Then there's still guards inside?"

"Yes, but not many."

"They never leave us alone." said Luna. "Eventually, they'll find us."

"But not if we sneak in."

"But where would we do that at?"

"The front door, silly!"

"That's... That's... almost crazy enough to work."

"Huh?"

"Think about it. Security would increase around the more secretive entrances. The majority of the guards wouldn't be around to watch the front door."

They ran towards the castle. Celestia stopped in front and looked at a sign.

"Well fuck you too." she said.

"Princess, what are you doing?" asked Twilight.

"Editing." she said.

She painted an X over a word on the sign. Twilight looked at it, then said, "Oh no."

"Nopony tells me what to do. The nerve of that human. Let's go, Twilight."

"You made it!"

PHIL

FIRST POV

"You made it!" I said happily, "Better yet, you're not hurt. That's awesome. Not as better, but still better than option one, you got the Elements. That's tacotacular! Now Celestia, did you really have to cross that out?"

"You know I did."

"But there isn't really time."

"There's always time."

"Good to know."

"What's with the bag?"

"It's got useful stuff in it. Like a grappling hook, lunch for us all, cheese, pie, cake, a pistol, three daggers, two katanas, my iPod, my badass shirt, my badass shorts, a stetson, a pair of spectacles, forty kilos of powdered sugar, a baseball cap, an aluminum bat, a banana, a small gift for everypony, and last but not least, a pill bottle full of tic-tacs to chug in public."

"All of those in that one small bag?"

"Yeah, among other things. Tic-tac?" I said, shaking the container at them.

"No, thanks."

"So lemme get this straight, you brought lunch, weapons, clothes, and stuff?"

"That's right. Speakin' of clothes, I'm gonna get them on."

"And you didn't include the banana into the lunch category because..."

"I'm never at a party without a banana. Granted, I'm never at a party that doesn't, in some way, involve ponies."

"So..."

"Oh, shut up and eat your lunch." I said, "I'll be back in fifteen seconds."

FIFTEEN SECONDS LATER

"I'm back!"

"Where'd you go?"

"I changed clothes and am now wearing a baseball cap. They're neat when they're backwards."

I sat down and grabbed a lunchbox from the bag. "Dunno 'bout you, but I could really go for some food. Grab your own box if you're hungry. Or maybe not your own, see if I care."

They each grabbed their boxes which had their cutie marks on them. After a few minutes, we were on our way.

"Now, judging by the previous events in this adventure, I would suggest going up."

"Why do you say that?"

"The king stands the tallest." I said, "Kickass quote, that. That means that whatever'll be at the highest point that you could put a throne."

"Are you sure?"

"Almost 2%."

"Well, that's pretty sure." said Rainbow sarcastically.

"I know, right? The answer is a big fat no. Since I'm the only one, I assume, with a plan, we should follow it."

"And what exactly is this plan?"

"It's a plan so great that my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about."

"What?"

"And that's how the universe was created."

"But..."

"Or was it taco related?"

"Wh..."

"Stop trying to understand my unintellectual intelligence. You'll just get a headache. Unless you already have one, in which case, drugs."

"Drugs?"

"Preferably tylenol that was dipped in the rainbow. Yeah, Rainbow Tylenol. Remember, if a stranger offers you drugs, take them and you can turn a profit."

I turned around and was met with a large group of ponies staring right at us. "Them's the guests?" I asked Celestia.

"Yeah."

"Shit's so fancy I'm gonna need a second monocle." I said, grabbing another monocle. "Now, on to the subject at hand. We weren't here." They nodded. "Beautiful. Now, which room is the highest?"

"That would be mine." said Celestia.

"Then it will be close to there. Lead the way, Celestia."

"Alright."

She took up some stairs, then I got lost and randomly appeared in front of a large, yellow-ish door.

"How'd you get here before us?" asked Celestia.

"By the power of tacos."

She opened the door. "Nothing."

"What?"

"Nothing's changed." she repeated.

"It happens." I looked around, "This place creeps me the hell out."

I walked over to the window and onto a balcony with a telescope. I looked in it and said, "I can totally see into everypony's showers from here." I held a mirror in front of the telescope. "Even Celestia's. And I believe that's Blueblood. Now what's he doing in Celestia's room?" I turned around and said, "Hello, Blueblood."

"What are you doing in here?" he asked us.

"Just a few illegal things, no biggie. Make yourself useful and lock yourself in that closet."

"What? No!"

"That wasn't the answer I wanted. Rarity, go put Blueblood in that closet over there."

"Gladly." she said. She grabbed him and threw him into the closet, then locked the door. I pointed at it and put a timer on it.

"What a prick." I said, "On to business, is there a room above this? Like an attic, or a secret tunnel?"

"Yeah, but it's not that roomy."

"And now the curiosity is almost overwhelming." I said, "Almost. There must be another place, another room. I'm missing something obvious here. What is it? What is it? What is it? Something obvious, something hidden in plain sight. Eh, whatever. Who's up for a bit of diggy?"

"Um..."

"Great!"

I donned my trusty pickaxe and swung it against the wall, making a two block high hole. "Now if ya don't mind, I'm out."

I flipped back out of the hole and grabbed onto a crease under the ledge. Rainbow walked over and looked out. I grabbed her hoof and pulled her out. "Gotcha, Rainbow Dash!" I said smiling. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

"All I see is you and the castle."

I looked behind me, then said, "Oh yeah." and turned her around. "What is that room?"

"I think that's Princess Luna's room."

"So it wasn't Celestia's room. Kicks my logic right in the plot."

I tossed her back in and climbed up. "Luna, your room's messed up a notch."

"What do you... Oh no, that is bad. That is real bad."

"We should evacuate Canterlot and put up some defenses." I said, "Right now, that place is really creeping me out. Almost as much as somepony eating a banana while maintaining eye contact."

"That's pretty creepy."

"And funny as hell. Now, does anypony have a quadruple-hinged, three panel, mahogany door?"

"I don't think so."

"That would be awesome. Mahogany. Ma-hogany. A very fine material. Very expensive."

"Um..."

"Mahogany."

"Ok?"

"First off, city wide evacuation. We gotta pull that off first. Actually, I'll do it."

There was a very large flash of white light, then a large vial appeared out of nowhere. There was a note on it. "From ten years in the future today, here's that stuff you needed, Phil."

"What?"

"Oh, they shouldn't have let me near the time spells."

"And why would that be?"

"This universe has a high chance of total annihilation. It's purple. Is this love poison? No, I wouldn't do that. That level of love disgusts me. Normal's aight. The only potion I would send myself is something that doesn't affect anything. I've watched too much TV to do that."

I got some cups and said, "Drink some drank, girls."

"Are you sure?"

"Prolly."

"Do you think it's poisoned?"

"I really don't think I'd kill myself using time travel. Preferably, if I had to, I would like to go either smothered in chocolate or something absolutely retarded. Something like bashing my head against a solid hunk o' steel. Then again, ponies don't use steel often. Maybe death by tacos. Ooo, or public execution! Possibly for genocide. Sorry, lost my train of thought. Actually, it crashed. Bits of grey matter everywhere. Stay on topic, stay on topic! Tl;dr, I won't kill myself with a time spell. A paradox would ensue. Right now, we don't need that."

"But what if it wasn't sent by you?"

"Nobody has this poor handwriting." I said, "And besides, why would somepony risk a paradox to poison us? It's not worth it. Not even to kill a group of great lookin' creatures. And me of course, but that's besides the point."

I poured it into the cups and took a swig. "That right there is some sugary drank. I don't recognize the taste. Either it's a pony brew, or I just never had it before. If it's pony, then Zecora would've made it. Or maybe me. My herblore level is 65."

"Your what?"

"Just a stuff. It's good, drink up. Or not. More for the rest of us."

Luna grabbed a cup and took a sip. "Hey, this is pretty good." she said. "Try some, Tia."

"Well, if you say so." she said, getting a drink, "You're right, it's great!"

They all grabbed a cup and drank some. I started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm not an idiot. If I poisoned it, it would've been delayed so we couldn't warn each other. It just seems logical, doesn't it? Answer that from an unbiased viewpoint."

"Now you tell us that?"

"That's probably enough time." I said, checking a non-existent watch on my wrist. "Boo-yah, it was clean. I had us worry for nothing. I'm a terrible person. Now, we've gotten sidetracked enough, full scale evacuation time."

"Are you sure that's wise?"

"Better safe than sorry. Whatever's here has gotten into Canterlot and apparently into Luna's room. The latter isn't that important unless Luna cares about who goes in her room. Luna?"

"Not particularly, but I'd like to know if it happens at least."

"Then that's great."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm gonna evacuate Canterlot now."

I looked out the window and used a spell. Everypony that was in Canterlot were transported outside the gates and I locked it shut. I reached in my bag and grabbed some high explosives.

"Phil, what are you gonna do with those?"

"Future me knew what was going on." I said, tossing the explosives at Luna's room. They exploded in mid-air, opening a hole in the wall. I hopped through the gap and inside the still pitch black room. My friends followed me.

"Can anybody see anything?"

"Not a thing."

"Animation budget must've ran out." I said. "Oh hey, Discord. Wuzzup, buddy?"

"Discord's here?"

Discord stood up and said, "It seems that somepony broke the no reading this in my voice rule."

"Dude, what? Anyways, is this room pitch black to you?"

"No, why?"

I looked straight at him. "Which entrance did we just come in?"

"The front door. Very normal of you."

"That right there is a problem."

"And which problem is it?"

"I just blew a hole in this room and used it to enter. I can't see any details. Only large and moving objects."

"We also can't see anything."

"That doesn't make sense at all. I love it!"

"Yes, now, did anything happen to you recently? Anything evil? Anything not prank? Kinda like a cheese grater?"

"Phil, what does a cheese grater have to go with anything?" asked Twilight.

"Cheese is good."

"Wait, what?"

"Answer the question."

"What question?"

"Oh, did you not get the note?"

"What note?"

"So to clarify, you didn't get that thing I sent ya?"

"What thing?"

"Sparkles, if you keep trying to find sense in my words, you'll get a headache. Where was I... Oh yes! Discord, answer the question!" I looked around. "He's gone, we can see again, and the hole in the wall is missing. A missing piece of missing wall. I'm stuck in an underground room with no windows or doors with the majority of my favorite ponies. Ok, who fell asleep? This type of things only happen in dreams. Or maybe not dream-s. Just a dream. Specifically mine. Ok, assets, what do we have to escape?"

"I found a pickaxe!"

"I got mining hats!"

"I found lanterns."

"Maps over here."

"Good job everypony! Now try and find something that's useful!" I said.

"But..."

"Tacos."

Twilight sighed and said, "Will this piece of crumpled up paper help us?"

"That's brilliant, Twilight! Good work. Now, anything else?"

I looked around the room. After a few minutes of wading through the useless mining equipment, I managed to find a screw, a rock, nine pieces of cheese, three tacos which disappeared quickly after I found them, two chairs, a seven foot iron pole, and a bed that was fit for royalty.

"What'd we find? Never mind, I don't care. I don't know about you, but I am jumping on that bed."

I hopped on the bed, then immediately fell through a hole in the floor. "Hey somepony, toss that seven foot iron pole down here!" I shouted.

The pole came straight down like a javelin. "Thanks!" I grabbed it and slowly moved it around in the darkness. Nothing of immediate importance. Then it struck a statue. I got a closer look. It was a statue of a pony. Not just any pony, it was Vinyl Scratch wearing her badass glasses. "I found out where the Ponyville ponies went!" I shouted up. "Down here. If you really feel the need, you can come down here too. Or not, see if I care."