The Lost Spell Book

by ASGeek2012

Chapter 3 - Alicorns Take Action, And Luna Goes Bananas

Spike rubbed his eyes and yawned as he trudged into the Cutie Map room, where Twilight was pacing. "I don't see why my sleep needs to be disturbed by your insomnia," he muttered.

"Spike, something terrible has happened!" Twilight cried.

Spike raised an eyebrow and glanced at the table which normally held the Cutie Map. It remained quiescent. "And this couldn't wait til morning because?"

"Because the longer we wait to act, the greater the potential damage will be!"

"What kind of damage are we talking about?"

"Monumental! Colossal! World-ending!"

Spike folded his claws and glanced about. "Huh. Must be the most quiet and organized armageddon in history," he muttered.

"Not this world, Spike, another world."

"And you can tell this ... how?"

"Because I am intimately connected to the event that precipitated this crisis."

Spike snorted at the word "intimately" and smirked.

Twilight stopped pacing and frowned at him. "And so are you!"

Spike blinked. "Huh??"

Twilight stepped up to Spike. "You are just as much to blame for this as I am."

Spike's eyes widened. "I-I am? How?"

"Because your actions caused this mess, and now I have to clean it up. You need to understand how disastrous this will be everypony involved and well beyond. You were very naughty and now it is coming back to haunt you at last."

Spike gulped. "Okay! Okay! You caught me! I'm sorry!"

Twilight tilted her head. "What?"

"Jeez, Twilight, I know it was bad, but you didn't have to make it sound like the literal end of the world."

Twilight paused. "Are we talking about the same thing?"

Spike paused, his eyes shifting as he fidgeted. "Um ... isn't this about the hidden camera and the pics of Rarity that accidentally got out on magicnet?"

Twilight's eyes widened. "What?!"

"Nothing!" Spike said, smiling nervously. "Forget I said anything!"

Twilight frowned. "We'll discuss that later. What I am talking about is that book on transformation magic. Remember?"

Spike scratched his head.

"The one with spells that could turn other creatures into ponies?"

Spike gave Twilight a confused look.

"The one that had other spells to modify existing ponies?"

Spike shrugged and shook his head.

Twilight rolled her eyes. "The one you teased me about because of the names of Celestia's guards and, uh, measurements on the bookmark?"

"Oh, that one!" Spike said with a smile.

"This is nothing to smile about, Spike," Twilight said. "Somehow, that book not only survived the journey to another world, somepony has figured out how to use it. I sensed a spell from the book being cast."

"How did you manage that?"

"Because when I had first received the book, I had cast a spell on it as a precaution in case somepony did use it. I had not expected to be able to sense it from outside Equestria, but at the time I had not anticipated becoming an alicorn. My ability to sense it must have increased with my ascension."

Spike looked thoughtful. "So, do you know where the book is?"

"Roughly," said Twilight. "But in order to retrieve the book, I will need to open a portal to that location. That's too much for me to do alone." She took a deep breath. "I need to call in the other alicorns."

Spike's eyes widened. "Wow, you mean both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna?"

"And Princess Cadance," said Twilight. "Fortunately she happens to be in Canterlot for an economic summit on banana imports."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Well, that was convenient for the plot."

"What?"

"Nothing! So when do you leave?"

"We leave right now," said Twilight.

"Wait, what??" Spike cried as he was magicked onto Twilight's back. "Why do I have to come along?"

Twilight extended her wings. "So you can tell me all about this little incident concerning the pictures of Rarity."

"Only if you don't fly too close to the dragon orphanage!"

"No promises, Spike," Twilight said as she took off.

---

Princess Celestia uttered a sigh as she slowly paced in her throne room. "Twilight, you were right in coming to us with this rather critical matter. Of course we will be happy to assist."

"Yes, it is most important we help you retrieve this book," said Princess Luna.

Princess Cadance smiled gently as she stepped up to Twilight. "And it is good to see you again, Twilight."

"I am really sorry you're going to have to miss some of that summit," said Twilight.

Cadance shook her head. "Don't be. To be honest, it is dreadfully boring. If I have to hear the word 'banana' again, I am sure I will go insane."

Celestia turned towards the others. "It is hoped that this disruption will be noted by somedragon so that he does not precipitate such a crisis again."

"Hey, I wasn't the one who had the book in the first place!" Spike said.

Celestia paused and turned her gaze towards her former student. "I must say, Twilight, I am a bit surprised to hear that you had this rather powerful book on forbidden magic."

Twilight swallowed. "Ah, well--"

"And even more so when you did not report the loss of said book to me."

Spike smirked. "You mean other than she would have freaked out that you'd throw her in the dungeon?"

"Spike!" Twilight cried. Her lips twitched into a smile as she gazed at Celestia. "Heh-heh, that Spike, always a kidder. I mean ... he is, right? You wouldn't have really done that to me?"

"Of course not, Twilight," said Celestia. "I would never have done that to my faithful student."

"The dungeons were closed for maintenance at the time due to smoke damage from the dragon orphanage that had burned down," said Luna. "But I'm sure that's beside the point."

Celestia stepped up to Twilight. "But I feel I must know what it was about that book that fascinated you so much."

Twilight's eyes widened.

"I do admit to a little curiosity myself," said Cadance. "Why are you blushing, Twilight?"

"No reason!" Twilight cried. "Certainly nothing to do with the book!"

"Twilight, I know I am not your teacher anymore, and you are effectively a peer," said Celestia. "But I insist on knowing what fascinated you about the book. Certainly you had no interest in turning other creatures into ponies."

"Of course not!" Twilight said.

"Then I am struggling to understand what drove your interest in the book."

"You appear to be blushing harder now, Twilight," said Luna.

Cadance's eyes widened. "W-wait, this isn't about--?"

"Bananas?" Luna suggested with a small grin.

Cadance narrowed her eyes. "Not funny."

Twilight glanced about in the vain hope that Queen Chrysalis had decided to invade again so the changeling queen could use her magic to make Twilight sink through the floor. When this appeared not to be happening anytime soon, she sighed and lowered her head. "I suppose nopony would believe me if I said I kept it for academic reasons."

"You forget, I can see into your dreams," said Luna.

"Any dreams I had about it were not nightmares."

"I can most assuredly attest to that."

"I thought you were the Mistress of the Night," Twilight muttered. "Not the Voyeur of the Night."

"Please," Celestia said. "Let us not bicker over this. Twilight, what is it you found fascinating about the book?"

Twilight raised her head. "Um ... o-okay ... well ... there are spells in the book that operate on existing ponies. Stallions, specifically."

"Oh, dear," Cadance murmured.

"There are spells to change a stallion's ... well, bits."

Celestia paused. "Bits?"

"Yes, bits."

"Why would you want to do that?"

Cadance stared, wide-eyed.

Twilight blinked. "Um, you do know what bits I mean, right?"

Celestia rolled her eyes. "Twilight, I know perfectly well what bits are."

"Then you know they can be changed."

"I don't see how, they're pretty stable."

Luna turned to her. "Um, sister ..."

"So my economic advisors tell me."

Twilight face-hoofed. Spike was barely containing his laughter. Cadance looked as if she wished she were back in the Crystal Empire.

Celestia tilted her head. "Unless you mean these spells can cause inflation?"

"Well, of a sort," said Luna.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Cadance exclaimed. "Not money bits!"

Celestia blinked. "I am afraid I am most confused now."

Luna stepped forward. "Oh, very well." She leaned in and whispered in her sister's ear.

Celestia's eyes widened, and a red glow touched her cheeks. "Luna! H-how did you ever learn about such ... naughty magic??"

"When you've been banished to the moon for a thousand years, you have to find something to do to pass the time."

Cadance shuddered and closed her eyes. "I'm going to my happy place right now and pretend this whole discussion never happened."

"Now that we have finished thoroughly embarrassing me," Twilight declared. "Can we please get back to the crisis at hoof?"

"I agree," said Celestia. "Opening a portal is dangerous even in the best of circumstances, Twilight. Are you absolutely sure you can provide enough information to properly target one?"

"That is a problem I realized on my way over here. I will need to wait until there is a second discharge of magic from that book before we can target it with any precision. But we could at least start the process."

"So does that mean there will be two ponies that need to be converted back to whatever they were before?" asked Spike.

"Quite possibly, yes."

"Unless," said Luna. "This unknown mage used the other spells in the book."

Twilight blushed faintly again. "Do we have to come back to that?"

"I feel it is a possibility we should consider."

"Why? Those other spells work only on somepony who is already a pony."

"And we can assume at this point that there is at least one magically-generated pony," said Luna. "Therefore, any further magical discharges may be the result of the other spells being used on this pony."

"Then I will simply reverse those effects as well," Twilight said.

"That might be awkward," said Luna.

"What? How??"

"What if said stallion parts were in use at the time?"

Twilight just stared.

"It would be like ordering a banana and ice cream desert and suddenly the banana seemed a lot smaller after it was served. Quite a disappointing situation."

"I just want to get that book back and fix whatever was done with it!" Twilight cried. "I don't care what parts, bits, or bananas are in use!"

"Will you two please stop talking about bananas?!" Cadance cried. "I swear I'm going to see them in my dreams at this rate!"

Celestia stepped forward. "I am bringing an end to this pointless -- and frankly disturbing -- debate. Myself, Luna, and Cadance will combine our powers and begin forging the portal."

"Thank you," Twilight said with relief, gesturing towards Spike with a hoof. As the dragonling jogged over to her, she said, "In the meantime, I will be waiting to sense another magic discharge, and we will use that to set the final location of the portal. While I'm waiting, I think I need to wind down a bit."

"Would you like my servants to bring you some tea?" Celestia asked.

Twilight would have much preferred something a little stronger, perhaps some Smoky Mountain Moonshine Whiskey, rumored to be just one step down from a direct alcohol IV drip. She instead sighed and nodded. "That would be lovely, thank you."

---

The princesses -- minus Twilight for the moment -- later gathered in another room in Canterlot castle. Celestia lifted her head, the glow from her horn fading. Upon the stone floor, a circle of magical runes glowed softly. "I have laid the basic foundation of the portal," said Celestia. "If you both would kindly augment it?"

Luna and Cadance in turn infused their own energies into the same runes, their glow doubling, then tripling. A vortex spun within, rising up towards the ceiling and forming the start of a quantum-tunneled, hyperdimensional condu-whatsit through the spacetime meta-something ... well, you get the idea.

"Very good," said Celestia. "We now need only wait for Twilight's arrival. She can infuse the last of the needed energy while she is targeting the other end of the portal."

"I do hope it is soon," said Cadance. "I must admit, I am a little shocked to find Twilight had such an interest in this particular, um, brand of magic."

"I see nothing wrong with it," said Luna. "She is a grown mare, after all. She is simply indulging in a little healthy fantasy."

"But I do hope her life is not all fantasy," said Celestia.

Luna smiled. "Yes, I would hope she can engage in the real thing now and then."

Celestia's eyes widened. "I-I didn't quite mean that!"

"Oh, but I did."

"You would," Cadance muttered.

"Not all of us have a nice stallion at her beck and call," said Luna with a grin.

"Oh, he is not at my beck and call! At least ... not in that way."

"Do I detect a bit of disappointment in your voice?"

Cadance's eyes widened. "Most certainly not!"

Celestia sighed. "Luna, really, what has gotten into you?"

"Perhaps I find the situation a little more amusing than the rest of you," said Luna.

"But not at the expense of embarrassing Twilight. Or Cadance, for that matter."

"I suppose you are right, Tia." She turned to Cadance. "I am sorry if I made you feel awkward, Cadance. It was not my intent."

Cadance nodded. "It's fine."

"I also apologize for my earlier gratuitous use of the word 'banana'."

Cadance sighed and waved a hoof. "No, it's all right. I guess I was a little too sensitive. It doesn't help that Shining Armor was pestering me before I left about bringing back some bananas for him."

"Does he not have a good banana of his own?"

"Oh, well, yes, he can get bananas whenever he wants. It's just that, well, he's not very impressed with them."

The doors glowed lavender and opened, and Twilight trotted inside, followed by Spike.

"So you're saying Shining Armor would prefer to have a larger banana?" said Luna.

"I guess you could say that."

Twilight stopped and blinked.

"Does he at least have a tasty banana?"

"Well, all the bananas in the Crystal Empire are tasty."

Twilight's jaw dropped.

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Really, now?"

"Well, yes. I actually do like bananas myself."

"So, naturally, you would be keen on Shining Armor having a larger banana if--"

"I don't want to hear about my brother's banana!" Twilight shrieked.

Dead silence fell as all three princesses stared at her. Spike held his claws over his mouth, his sides trembling.

"Oh," Twilight said in a small voice. "You were talking about fruit, weren't you?"

Cadance narrowed her eyes at Luna. "Well, I certainly was."

Luna smiled. "Whatever else would I be talking about?"

"I don't care anymore, just stop it," Cadance said. "No more bananas of any kind."

"Very well." Luna paused. "Cucumbers, perhaps?"

Spike fell over laughing.

"Urgh," Twilight growled as she trotted up to the circle.

Celestia stepped forward. "Have you sensed another use of the spell book?"

"Yes, I felt the surge of a second spell being cast, and I am presently working out the last of the targeting calculations in my head," said Twilight. "Though I am at a loss as to how I will communicate my desire for the book to the inhabitants of this other world."

Spike picked himself up, his voice still bubbling with mirth as he spoke. "How about just by talking to them?"

"Spike, they likely don't even speak the same language!"

"Then how did they manage to read the spell book?"

"I don't know. Maybe the one who found the book is an unimaginably powerful mage in their world. Or super-intelligent. Or both!"

"Or they could just happen to have the same language and similar magic systems," said Spike.

Twilight sighed. "I told you years ago, Spike, that has as much chance of happening as--"

"--as that magic mirror in the Crystal Empire?"

Twilight narrowed her eyes. "Shut up."

Celestia stepped forward. "Perhaps we should discuss the disposition of the book once it is returned."

"What?" said Twilight. "I thought that I would ... um ... well ... just ... k-keep it?"

"For purely academic reasons, of course," said Spike in her defense (mostly).

"Yes, exactly!"

Celestia exchanged a look with the other princesses.

"It will be perfectly safe in my castle," Twilight said. "Nopony will be able to just walk in and take it."

"Right!" Spike said. "Nopony has ever been able to stroll in unannounced! Oh, well, Twilight's friends do all the time, though. Heh, actually so does everypony in Ponyville."

"Spike?"

"And Starlight Glimmer was able to just stroll right inside, too."

Twilight gave Celestia a smile, one eye twitching. "Spike?" she growled through her teeth.

"Oh, but she didn't take any books! Well, she did waltz up to the Cutie Map and use it to help open a portal to the past to mess with the timeline and--"

"Spike!" Twilight cried whirling around. "You're not helping!"

Spike spread his claws. "What?"

"I don't intend to leave it out in any old bookshelf. I'm going to secure it properly. But never mind that, I have completed the final calculations and can pinpoint the portal now."

Celestia smiled. "Very good, Twilight. Please, impart your energies into the circle."

"Yes, it needs just that much more amount of thrust from your horn to properly consummate the spell," said Luna.

"And I am sure I speak for everypony when I say that the sooner we can get this over with, the better."

"At least before we run out phallic jokes," Spike murmured.

Celestia turned. "I'm sorry, what was that, Spike?"

"Nothing!"

Twilight stepped forward and lowered her head, her horn glowing. The energies of the circle surged outward and then upward, brightening and thrumming. With a final powerful, well, thrust, it fully opened the hypermetaquantumdimensionalwhosiwhatsit to whatever world lay beyond. She lifted her head and took a deep breath. "All right. I'm ready."

"Good luck to you, Twilight," said Celestia.

"Yeah, good luck!" Spike cried, waving a claw. "Don't forget to write! See you la -- whoa!"

Spike was surrounded by a lavender glow and pulled into the circle behind Twilight. He frowned and folded his arms as he stood beside her.

"Ready, Spike?" said Twilight.

"Not really, but that never stopped us before," said Spike.

Twilight lifted her head, her horn glowing. Both her and Spike vanished in a flash of magic.

Luna turned to the others. "So, while we await her return, who's up for a rousing game of Truth or Dare?"

Comments

[Emperor]

Oh god, all the jokes in this chapter.

I wonder how many fillies would like to be Princesses if they knew it meant having to attend economic summits on banana imports.

[DT42]

All the jokes!
Favorite!

[Dipti]

laughed so much i cried

[ASGeek2012]

Sorry for the delay in responding to comments, been a busy week. I hope to get another chapter out in a few days.

6728399
At this point I think Cadance would gladly give up that position to somepony else

6728516
Thanks!

6730831
Glad you liked it

Truth be told, the "bits" scene in chapter 3 was one of the first scenes for this story to spring into my head more or less fully formed when I first thought of the story idea.

[DualKitsune]

Luna is best troll.

6728399 Oh come on, they could just sit next to Luna. That would make things....lively.

[ferret]

Celestia tilted her head. "Unless you mean these spells can cause inflation?"

"Well, of a sort," said Luna.

help can't breathe

[Housecarl of Clan Drops]

"What kind of damage are we talking about?"

"Monumental! Colossal! World-ending!"

Twilight, I believe the word you're looking for is "indescribable."

[Sirnasparkletmntfanmlp]

Luna going bananas is just so fuckin funny ! 🍌