XI. Recognition
As you opened your eyes, you flinched and squinted for a second; the sun bright against your retina. You slowly began to regain consciousness and started to analyze your surroundings, realizing that you were in the forest. With a quick turn of your neck, you cracked the sore bones, letting out a sigh of relief. Although you were encircled by many trees, you could feel the small rays of sunlight shining upon your face. Slowly turning your face away from the light, thoughts began to formulate in your mind.
The dream... It was different again. I feel as if I should be doing something right now... Something Sigmund had told me a few days ago...
You searched for your memories (which were very sparse) for anything relevant to Sigmund. You began to hear Sigmund's voice in your head beginning to speak. "First off, I'm going to give you a notebook, to record your memories. Considering your amnesia, you may forget a few specifics from the dream. Therefore, as soon as you awake from your dream, record every bit of information you can remember."
Right... Record what I can remember...
Still laying on your stomach, you reached towards the saddlebag, pulling out the leather notebook and one of the pens, given to you by Sigmund. Bringing both items back towards you, you opened the small notebook to the first page, unsettling the accumulated dust in the process. As you placed your injured hoof gently onto the first page, you grabbed the pen with your mouth. You were about to start jotting down what you could remember from the dream, but you couldn't recall much.
I could only hear one voice this time. What it had said is beyond me. How am I supposed to record anything down if I can't remember anything!?
In defeat, you quickly scribbled the words "familiar voice" onto the first page, barely legible. You let the pen settle in the binding of the notebook, and promptly slammed the cover in the rage of your forgetfulness. You brought it to your saddlebag and tried to place it in, but wouldn't fit comfortably.
Why is everything out of order? What happened to my organization?
It was then that you remembered your little incident with the cyan pegasus the night prior to now. You turned to the other side of the saddlebag, and dumped the notebook into the other pocket. As hard as you tried to repress the thoughts of the cyan pegasus, your efforts were in vain.
She knows my secret... By now, she's most likely told the whole town.
You released a heavy sigh, as if you were trying to expel your depressing thoughts along with it. With no certainty of your future, you laid there on the ground, pondering what would become of you.
If she has told eveypony, then I'm sure they're all trying to find me, too. And how much does she know about me, if at all? Could she have been lying about knowing me? No. She wouldn't have any reason to.
As you let your thoughts drift within the realms of your mind, it was slowly becoming much darker, catching your attention.
What?! Is it night already? Have I been asleep for that long? Even if I was fatigued... For almost an entire day!?
You slowly try rise, but you still feel tired.
Almost 24 hours of sleep... And I'm still tired?
Now fully standing on your four hooves, you analyze your surroundings, attempting to decide in which direction to travel in.
One way leads back to the town. And the other... I'm not sure. But whatever lies ahead, it's better than going back to town.
You started trotting into the original direction you were facing, assuming that behind you was the small town. It became darker, reassuring you that you had overslept. Still traveling, you tried to recall every detail from the dream.
A voice... Familiar... Why is that all I can remember? We were next to each other, doing something... What was it? And furthermore, who's voice is it? It can't be Sigmund's, I would have easily recognized it. What about the rest of the medical staff? No, impossible, I can't even remember what they had looked like. Could it have been any of the ponies I've met? If that's true, then that proves that one of them knows about my past... if that dream really is a memory from my past, that is. How can I be sure? What if it's just a delusion?
It was now nearly pitch-black, the darkness was beginning to environ you. You tried to adjust to the darkness, but to no avail.
I need to get out of this forest...
Even though you could hardly see anything other than yourself and the trees, you were constantly checking to see if anypony was tracking you. And every time you checked, regardless of whether or not you saw anything, you only became more paranoid. And with every second that you became much more paranoid, you sped up your pace. In a matter of minutes, you were out-right running, despite your feelings of fatigue. Once you were panting, you had noticed that you were running from a non-existent entity.
What am I doing? I'm becoming insane...
When you had stopped your sprint, you took notice of the fact that you had left the forest and a small pond lied in front of you.
Water... When was the last time I had any food, let alone water? Since I've left the hospital, I believe.
You slowly made your way to the pond, examining its contents; questioning whether or not it was safe to drink.
"It's either this, or die from dehydration," you commented out-loud.
As you had done before, you pondered the thought of death, but quickly brushed it aside once again. You lowered your head, lapping up profound amounts of water; trying to quench your immense thirst for the refreshing liquid.
Having to drink like such a simple animal... How humiliating.
Once you finished, you contemplated the idea of entering the small pond in hopes that it would relieve you of your exhaustion.
I suppose there is no harm in bathing, considering that I haven't done so since I left the hospital.
You slowly started to enter the pond, but you quickly halted, realizing that your saddlebag was still attached. The feeling of having to remove your saddlebag evoked the feelings from the previous night, feelings of wrath, desperation, and dreadfulness.
I... I can't do it... Not after what happened...
You began to slowly retreat from the water, but as you did, you questioned yourself as to why you had done so.
"Why can't I? I'm not going to let the cyan pegasus take control of what I do," you reassured yourself.
You turned away from the pond, lowering your head to release the saddlebag. You stopped again, unable to relinquish the saddlebag from your flanks. You quickly lifted your head in defeat, questioning yourself once more. Glancing back at the pond, you see your reflection shimmering in the rippling waves of the water. It seems... different, somehow; almost mocking you and your failure.
"I... Just can't do it. Why can't I?"
Because you're afraid of her.
"No, that's not true."
Then why aren't you taking of your saddlebag?
"Because what if somepony else sees me?"
And what are the odds of that? It's nearly pitch-black outside. Nopony will be able to see you.
"I... I can't take the risk."
You’re lying to yourself. If the cyan pegasus would have never seen you, you would be able to remove your saddlebag. It’s your fear of her that prevents you from doing so.
"I'm not afraid of her, damn it!"
Then what is it about her that she is constantly intruding your mind?!
"I don't know! If I knew, don't you think I would have been able to come to terms with it?"
Just like you've been able to come to terms with everything that has plagued you before, right?
"No..."
Just like your depression?
"Stop..."
Just like all those years you've spent in the hospital?
"I... I..."
Just like the death of your parents?
You collapsed, craning your neck to face away from your projection; ashamed that you were unable to win your own mental battles. Letting your head touch the grass, you placed both your forehooves onto your face. Gritting your teeth and shutting your eyes, you tried everything to refrain from crying. You slowly eased into it, beginning with a small whimper.
I'm never going to be able to cope with them. I'm going to stay like this forever. Years and years of mental torture lie ahead for me. What's the point of even living anymore? I don't serve any purpose to anypony. Nopony would miss me if I were to kill myself right now. I would just be another pony for the town to have to clean up...They would be glad to be rid of me.
What had begun as a whimper, was now a full-blown onslaught of tears and sobs.
Why... Why did they have to leave me... They abandoned me...
With no motivation or purpose, you laid there, near the edge of the pond, sulking. Still unable to suppress your thoughts, Sigmund's plans for you came to mind.
Sigmund... Sigmund wanted me to communicate, hoping that it would help me. But look where it has brought me. It's only given me faith in death.
Your sudden burst of depression was making your trust in Sigmund weaken even more.
And now I have to wait... For Celestia's sake, I can't even remember how many days it's been since I've seen him!
Feeling hopeless, you stayed on the surface of earth and vegetation. You were mentally unable to move, being stricken by the bombardment of self-hatred you'd brought upon yourself.
Is it even worth it anymore? Can remembering my past truly make me forget? It doesn't even make any sense... But still... He was right. Communicating did bring that dream back... No, it was just a coincidence that it occurred again. He had hoped that communication would help make my dream clearer, but it didn't. I can still only remember the familiar voice, and nothing else. And who's voice it belongs to is still unknown. Sigmund was wrong, communication isn't helping me at all.
As your sobs slowly regressed back into the form of whimpers, you attempted once more to recall minute details from the dream.
Just the voice... The voice. It's familiar, but to who? Not Sigmund's. What else don’t I remember? Where was I in the dream? The city. It's where I used to live. What was the name?
In hopes that you could remember another detail from the dream, you quickly dried you tears and reached back towards the saddlebag and reached for your case file, but were surprised to find that many papers were scrambled and out of order. It only took a second to remember your incident with the cyan pegasus.
Damn it, no matter what I do, no matter what I think of, she's still here... haunting me; plaguing my every thought.
Before you could let your thoughts race, your stomach (thankfully) intervened with a loud and voracious growl.
So hungry... Do I still have those apples?
Again, you reached back for the apples, but couldn't find them due to the mess. Unable to handle the unkempt bag anymore, you lifted yourself from the ground. After you removed your saddlebag with ease, the feelings of the previous night had returned. Your heart started to pace, and you felt anger, despair, and fear all at once.
Quickly... I'll just re-organize everything, and be done with it.
You dumped everything out, still being cautious of the pond. Everything spilled out, the papers from your case file, your anti-depressants, and the only source of sustenance you had: apples. Quickly, you organized everything. Starting with the notebook, you placed it sideways, allowing space for the apples next to it. However, you only placed one, as you planned on eating the other. Hastily, you next placed the pens into the same bag. All of that was easy. It would be organizing your case file that would be difficult. As you turned to the case file, you were somewhat relieved to see that most of the papers were still in order, just not in the right direction. You began to re-direct them, but something caught your attention. A small gust of wind pulled a small photo from the documents, pushing it closer into the pond. When you focused on the picture, you saw that it was the photo of your parents.
"No!"
Leaving everything behind, you ran after the photo, entering the pond. The water was ice-cold, but you had to grab the photo at all costs. It was the only proof of former happiness you had; the only memento of your former family that had survived. The photo was slowly getting closer to coming in contact with the water, and you were slowed down because frigid liquid that had risen up to your haunches. As you trudged as hard as you could, you saw the photo almost within grasp. The closer you got, the deeper the water became. The image was now inside your reach, and you managed to grab the tip of the photo with your mouth; thereby saving it from destruction. Having to breathe through your nose, you slowly treaded your way back to the edge of the pond. Since your entire mane and coat was wet, you kept your distance from the files, only getting close enough to drop the photo.
I don't have much of a choice now... At the very least, I could wash myself of the grime I've collected.
You slowly re-entered the pond, letting the water envelope you. You reached the neck-deep portion once more, hesitating for a second before your head went beneath the surface, letting a sense of serenity come to you.
All I have to do, is keep my head under long enough... And all the pain will go away.
Your breath started to run short, you could feel your lungs begging for air.
Just a bit longer... And I'll be at peace...
A few bubbles of air escaped your lips, rushing up past your face and through your dense mane; brushing past your ears as they broke the surface of the water. The corners of your vision began to darken and your environment became hazy around you. Your throat was closing up, still under the surface of the water.
Then, you re-surfaced, gasping for air.
No... Not tonight.
After one of your many common near-suicide attempts, you returned to the side of the pond, still weary of the files. Luckily, the wind had decided not to strike again, leaving your files intact, but you would have to wait before returning to them. You didn't wish for the files to become stained. Even though the water was freezing, it was much colder being out of the water.
Damn. Need to dry off somehow. I can't risk getting anything wet.
Not having any method of being able to dry off, you simply walked over, away from your saddlebag, and shook yourself vigorously trying to dispel any of the water. You had a feeling that your mane, tail, and coat were all in a mess, but you didn't care. You would have to wait a bit before being able to continue sorting your papers. Once again, your stomach growled, reminding you of your entire purpose for re-organizing your saddlebag. You trotted over to the lone apple, and began to eat it, taking pleasure in your victuals settling your stomach. After your improvised meal, you felt much safer re-sorting your papers, now feeling a bit more dry. You returned again, reorganising your papers and placing them into the tattered manila folder. Once you finished, you slowly placed the case file back into your saddlebag, leaving the anti-depressants out.
It's been a day... I think... How many was it? Two a day. At least I can remember that.
You pulled out two capsules, as part of your routine, and placed them into your mouth; swallowing them and trying to shake off the rather unpleasant aftertaste. Using both hooves, you grabbed the three bottles, and placed them into the same folder as your case file. Again, as part of your routine, you started to become drowsy.
Already...? I just finished sleeping for almost an entire day...
Still exhausted, and now drowsy, you feel asleep, despite your previous thoughts.
"M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
The sun was, once again, bright on your eyes, but it wasn't as blissful as before. You were in a cold sweat and panting once more.
No... Not again!
You picked yourself up from off the ground, and start cursing at the dream.
Why? It can't be possible! It's only been a few hours since I had the other dream... Or, at least I think it's only been a few hours. Yes, the sun is rising instead of setting... Unless I overslept for an entire day... No, then I would be much hungrier than I am now. Damn it, why... Why did they return? It can't be that communication is truly suppressing my dream. It's just not possible!
As you looked around, you saw your saddlebag on the ground, reminding you of your exposed Cutie Mark.
How long have I been like this? What if somepony saw!?
Your paranoia was starting to drive you mad, so you quickly placed the saddlebag back onto you, giving you a sense of security.
Where to now? I suppose if I do not want to have that dream again... I need to communicate with somepony... But with who? The entire town must be after me now, thanks to the cyan pegasus... Should I go back to Manehattan? At least they wouldn’t be bombarding me with questions... Will they? Even if I try to fly back, I'm sure the cyan pegasus will fi-
Your thoughts were interrupted with the rustling of a few bushes not too far from you.
Oh, please, for the love of Equestria, give me a damn break!
You quickly flew into one of the tress, concealing yourself from whomever would be there. As the creator of the noise exposed themself, an idea came to your mind.
Communicate with her? I... If I must, I suppose she would be the best pony to do so. Nevertheless, it is still going to be agonizing.
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Wonderful chapter like the others, but I REALLY hate you and your damn cliffhangers... Hehe can't wait to see the conversation between those two in the next chapter, keep up the awesome work! :D
this is going somewhere...
keep up the good work
...stop leaving us hanging, blast it! I'm enjoying this WAY too much!
This would be why I never read fan fiction until ponies. Cliffhangers. Well, that and fan fiction has a bad reputation in general.
this story much.
Yar doin' good lad!
All I want for Christmas is to know how this story will end!
Incredible and captivating as always. I am truly hooked on this story!
I don't really see it as depressing, because firstly it reminds me so much of myself, and secondly he has antidepressants.
77401surry luddy boot sunterklaas arn't gottin thet fer yew
I am going to assume that it is either rainbow, or zecora...
trixie?lolz
Honestly this si a good fic
5 STARS FOR U
My thought is it might be Fluttershy
I will say no more than moar
Cliffhangers, gah!
Who could it be?
(more more more more)
Another cliffhanger
and yet I keep coming back. 
I do believe this story has caught my attention. Well played.
Holy jesus... This is really well written and I really hope this isn't written from experience...
Anyway, I'm mesmerized with the story and for some reason I really want you to finish the next chapter...
Please keep up the amazing work.
112215 Do not worry, my friend. I am not a majorly-depressed, paranoid, schizophrenic, anti-social person. This is just pure knowledge, from what I know about, of psychology.
Very reminiscent of Memento. Nice work.