(2nd Person POV) Your memory is littered with gaps, with just the sole memory of a traumatic event.
(2nd Person POV) Your childhood started out just like any other. You had friends, you attended school, you had a mother and father. It was all taken away from you. You have no recollection of your childhood, only the scene of a traumatic event. Losing all hope in recovering, you leave to a small, secluded town known as Ponyville, hoping to isolate yourself. You'll find out that all you needed was a little color to revive those memories.
PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION MANEHATTAN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL CASE NUMBER: 51097
Inside this thick, tan folder lies your memories from your childhood. At least that's what you've been told. When they relieved you from the hospital, you took it because it was the only way you could remember what your childhood was like. This would be the second time you've read the folder, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. You gingerly open the folder, and begin inspecting the contents. The first thing you notice everytime you open the folder is a picture of yourself, as a young colt. You stare at it for a few moments before proceeding. What follows is your entire childhood.
Case No.: 51097 Building No.: 7 Examiner: Dr. Riley Sigmund
PURPOSE FOR EVALUATION: Patient has been admitted to Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital due to early signs of depression and possible psychotic features. Purpose for evaluation is to screen for evidence of depression and other possible psychotic ailments.
BACKGROUND INFORMATION: Patient was born to Pegasus-ponies. According to report from patient, his relationship with parents was "wonderful." Mother and father medical reports include no diseases, psychological disorders, or psychical abnormalities. Parents have no history of substance abuse or mental problems. Parents were not known to be aggressive or abusive to patient. No known relatives of patients were found. Until death of parents, patient was reported by faculty of Cloudsdale Junior Flight School to be, "brash, assertive, kind-hearted, playful." This is no longer the case. Patient was not to leave hospital grounds, due to the fact that there was no one that could be trusted (relatives, guardians, etc.) to attend to him. Instead, child was to be kept at hospital until he was officially mentally stable, be turned over to foster parents, or, the less favorable option, until he had grown old enough to be on his own. Medical staff had questioned the ethical morals behind this, but this was settled quickly. As the patient could not be allowed to leave, patient was educated by tutors brought into hospital. Patient had been attentive to teachings but showed no determination or motivation to attend teachings. Patient has, as said by tutors, to have an adequate education, averaging out with others in society. The medical staff and I had done this to assure that the patient could function in society.
REPORT FROM POLICE CASE: Reports of robbery around Cloudsdale were slightly higher than normal. For every event of robbery, no pony was harmed. However, this is not the case for this crime. Forced entry of victims' home is evident. Hinges on door are destroyed. Evidence implies that more than one pony was involved in entry. No visible hoof-prints can be found on door. Sign of struggle is evident as well. Female victim was forced into living room, male victim as well. House is ransacked for valuables, such as jewelry, collectibles, etc. Victims are then murdered. Male victim showed bruising, cuts, scrapes. Laceration to aorta was cause of death to both victims. Suspects then leave residency. According to faculty of Cloudsdale Junior Flight School, child of victims had not left school grounds to be at crime scene. Witness statements verify this. Statements from witness that had found child, (name omitted) follow:
She had seen the home of her neighbors ajar. Witness moved closer to inspect home, and noticed that door was kicked in. Witness reported to hearing cries coming from a colt. As witness approaches living room of residency, she reported to seeing the child of her neighbors laying between the two bodies of the victim. Child was reported to be covered in blood of victims and calling for parents. When child was approached, witness could see that child's coat had dried blood, stating the possibility that the child could have been there for hours. When authorities came to investigate the crime scene, child was taken to medical hospital to be examined for injuries. After no injuries were present, child was seen to be depressed and lonesome. Child refused to cooperate with police staff. Due to the possibility of psychological problems, child was transferred to Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital after no relatives could be found.
MENTAL STATUS EXAMINATION: After multiple tests expanding over the course of a couple of years, results were insignificant. Patient, at first, had showed signs of a possible recovery. However, patient became less motivated to participate in examinations. Patient had changed his attitude. He was closed and uncooperative. His mood was consistently sad. Speech functions began to deteriorate, as child was isolated from society, other than medical staff present at hospital. Vocabulary and grammar skills were appropriate for his age. Memory functions were less than adequate. Patient had trouble remembering certain events, however, still had a recollection of other childhood events. Unfortunately, patient still had memory of crime scene of his parents. Patient reported to night terrors, hallucinations, and depressive episodes. After seven years of various techniques, including rational-emotive therapy, cognitive reframing, and other repeated attempts to help the patient cope with death of parents, medical staff began losing hope as well. Patient took notice of this, as patient had also began to become even less motivated than he had previously been. Again, patient still had visions of crime scene of parents. After repeated failures to help the patient, the medical staff and I had decided to gain the help from a unicorn doctor who specialized in memories. We knew the cause of the patient's depression was the crime scene, so we had hoped the unicorn could erase that memory. Since the patient was beginning to lose memories, time was of the essence. The unicorn doctor had come to perform the procedure. However, the procedure had gone wrong. The doctor had lost control of the procedure, and instead of helping the patient, only caused significant damage to his hippocampus. The following is a line from the neurological report that followed the accident:
Direct damage to the hippocampus is evident. Upon taking an MRI, brain activity in the portion of the temporal lobe that was associated with memory below average. Memories prior to the accident will be lost, however, the rate of how often these are lost is unknown. Memories after the accident can still be formed, however, they will only be retained by the level of significance it had on the patient.
The patient, now only a year from being able to legally leave the hospital, had grown to be pessimistic. He no longer trusted the medical staff. I was the only examiner that he talked to anymore. Patient had become hostile and aggressive. Patient still had tendencies to be depressed, and I had found evidence of suicidal tendencies. Patient was still suffering from night terrors, but refused to share them with me. However, I believe they are directly related to his parents.
RESULTS OF EVALUATION: The patient hardly benefited from the years of medical practice and procedures we had performed on him. The strength of his memory had become horrible. Many parts of his childhood were now gone, ranging from his time at the Cloudsdale Junior Flight School, to joyous events and memories with his parents. Unfortunately, he still retains the memory of his parents' death. Patient has no desire to interact with others and also has a hard time trusting others. As I noted above, he no longer trusted the medical staff except for me, which he hardly does. Patient cannot converse with others very long, however his language skills are remarkable for someone who has refrained from speech. These language skills are evident in the reports he was asked to fill out. He was very descriptive when asked to describe his vision of his parents' death. Anything other than memories or social-interaction doesn't seem to be affected by this vision of his.
SUMMARY/RECOMMENDATIONS: Unfortunately, the patient has not recovered from the psychological conditions he has, which are (some of these are not caused by the death of his parents): MDD (major depressive disorder), retrograde and anterograde amnesia, suicidal tendencies, low-self esteem, aggressiveness, trust issues, psychosis, paranoia, anxious, delusional. With all of these mental conditions, the patient is incredibly mentally unstable. However, two issues prevent us from helping him any longer; 1: He will soon be of legal age to leave the hospital. Under law, we can no longer force him to stay. He has also made the decision to leave the day he can. 2. The city of Manehattan is no longer funding the hospital. Instead, a new institution will be created somewhere else in the city.
The patient will not be able to make any relationship with anypony. His mental condition will not allow him to build a trust with someone else, and his speech is less than adequate. The problem is not forming sentences, but rather it is the lack of interest to form sentences. After asked to evaluate his condition once more, he stated, "I no longer wish to communicate with anypony else." He also is incredibly aggressive towards others, but fortunately, only when he feels threatened. However, he can easily feel threatened. Although he will not be able to build a relationship, he can still communicate for basic needs. I discovered this when I saw him ask one of the medical staff for food. Although he responded bluntly and emotionless, he can communicate with others, just not enough to build relationships.
Due to the crippling mental state that the patient is in, I've convinced him to monthly report to my new office. This will allow me to keep in contact with him, so that I can evaluate him to see if his condition worsens or not. I will also prescribe him anti-depressants, now that he is of legal age to ingest them. However, I do not feel that this will benefit him. There is nothing more I can do to help this patient. Years of medical practice on him has only, unfortunately worsen his condition. Although I put my trust in my medical team, I'm beginning to believe that it would have been much more beneficial to have put him in a foster home or orphanage. Years of isolation from the outside world only prove to destroy what social skills he had before the death of his parents. The only hope for him is if that memory or vision, or whatever he has decided to classify it as now, of his parents' murder, becomes erased, much like his other memories. But, he seems to have latched himself onto that memory. I believe that he may blame himself for their deaths, regardless of the fact that he had nothing to do with it. Unless previous memories of more, "happier" times are returned, the patient shall continue to be depressed.
Honestly, I myself cannot help but feel responsible for his conditions. In all of my years of helping patients recover from whatever they were suffering from, this is the only patient that I've not only been able to help, but only made worse. I know that he blames me for his conditions, and I take full responsibility for my poor decisions to keep him in the hospital, and for destroying his memories.
Please let me know if any additional information is needed concerning the results of this evaluation.
That was it. Your entire childhood, written in the form of a psychological analysis. You despise this report, with every fiber of your being. Yet, you cannot get rid of it. This report defines you. It explains why you are the way you are. Somehow, you find comfort in that.
Although you have anterograde amnesia, which means you have trouble creating new memories, you remember just a few hours ago when you left the institution. You remember, although hazily, walking towards the main lobby. You knew all of the medical staff, and they believed that you knew them on a personal basis. Quite the contrary, actually. It wasn't that you despised them, but rather you've had enough. You've had enough of all of them trying to fix you. You knew you weren't able to be fixed. You walked up to the receptionist desk, and the receptionist immediately knew you.
"So, this is it, huh?" She asked politely.
You didn't reply. This is what you were fed up with as well. They all knew what mental condition you were in, even you knew yourself at this point. Why had she tried to cheer you up? You were well beyond the point of recovery, so why did she bother? This is what angered you. You were ready to release years of pent-up anger all in one burst of rage. But you controlled yourself. That was one ability you had left, to suppress your anger. The receptionist then hands you a clipboard. On it was the release form. The piece of paper that would release you back into the free world. Without any hint of hesitation, you sign the form, drop the pen, and begin to walk out.
"Wait!"
You stopped, and turn around and see the receptionist holding a saddle-bag.
"This is from all of us at the Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital. We're giving you a few hundred bits to help you get settled somewhere. Dr. Sigmund also said it would be best to give you your case file for your own reference. I also want to say how much we deeply regret not being able to give you the proper help you needed. We... w-w."
You noticed that she was holding back tears. Why did she care about you? You were just another patient that failed to recover from their state. She never finished her sentence. She simply put the bag on the counter-top and walked away. You were confused.
"Was it my fault? What did I do?" you thought to yourself.
Regardless, you were glad. Less social interaction for you. You opened the saddlebag to see the other contents of the bag. Inside, was your file report, a small bag containing the few hundred bits. This was the first time you read your psychiatric report. There were also three small yellow containers, which contained your anti-depressants. There were also three apples. You and your psychiatrist discussed taking the pills, and you had agreed. But really, you only decided to take them to help ease Sigmund's fear of you committing suicide.
You strap on the saddlebag, and walk towards the exit. You stop before the exit. You've only been outside on two other occasions. Both being when there had been some sort of accidental fire where everyone had to evacuate. You take a look at the outside world, and you feel your heart beating. This feeling is one you've never experienced before. Or maybe you have when you were younger. Not that you would remember. You continue to walk, your heart's beat getting stronger with every step you take closer. You place your hoof on the door handle, you push forward, and feel the sun shine on your darkened coat.
For the first time, you take a breath of fresh air. You extend your wings that you haven't used in years. You let the light dilate your eyes. It was, admittingly, one of the few moments that you truly felt at peace. However, that only lasted for a few seconds.
After that, you promptly left the city. You knew that if you truly couldn't communicate with others, that you must leave Manehattan. You would never survive in the city. You continued down the road without looking back and stopped a few miles away, taking a rest near a tree. That was where you read your report the second time. You placed the report back in your saddlebag, and took out one of the yellow containers. You read the label out loud.
"Anti-depressants. Take two every 24 hours. DO NOT TAKE MORE THAN THE PRESCRIBED AMOUNT." reading each word with a blank statement.
You place them back in. You weren't going to take any yet. You just got up and continued on your way. You honestly didn't know where you were going, nor did you care. You were just glad to be alone.
Alone. The feeling of not having to constantly be bombarded with question or examinations was blissful. However, it wasn't nearly enough to change your blank expression. All you had on your mind was those two figures you see every time you close your eyes. Those two, blood-stained figures, whom you've learned to call your parents. Whether or not they had really been your parents was a mystery to you. The case report and the medical staff had assured you that they were, but could you really trust them? After all, they had assured you that the medical procedure to remove that memory would go fine. And now you have amnesia. And they wondered why you refused to talk to them. Sigmund, however, was different.
When you left a couple of hours ago, you had a discussion with Sigmund. You stopped on the side of the road. At this point, it took complete concentration to fully remember a memory. You shut your eyes and search the storage of your mind for that memory.
"I think we should have you visit me in my new office once a month. This way, I can evaluate you to see if your condition improves. If you want, we could also search for other methods that we were unable to perform at the hospital."
Sigmund kept talking about some of the new methods that he would like to start. Out of the entire medical staff, you trusted Sigmund. He was one of the few staff members that had never left your case, the others being too insignificant for you to remember. Sigmund was the only one who you truly believed wanted to cure you, not just because it was his duty as a psychiatrist. Although you never appreciated much that the medical staff had done for you, or rather, TO you, you can at least respect the years of work Sigmund had done for you.
"What do you say?" questions Sigmund.
"Yes." you reply.
Sigmund was the only one you ever communicated with as well.
"Good. Now, I know that you do not wish for any more examinations, but I'm sure with time, we will find a way to help you. Now, before you leave, I want you to start taking anti-depressants. I feel that they may work to some extent, and really, at this point, any help that works is crucial." explains Sigmund.
"Okay."
"Well... I suppose this is it. For now. Remember, I want you to visit me at my new office in a month. From there, we'll discuss new plans and procedures."
"Yes."
You get up and started to walk away. However, you couldn't help but feel remorseful for Sigmund. You stopped, and turned to him.
"Thank you, Dr. Sigmund. Even though you couldn't help me."
This was the longest conversation you've held with the medical staff ever since the accident. Now, you open your eyes, and observe your surroundings. Night had fallen while you had been remembering.
"Wha-huh? How is this possible? Has it really taken me this long?" you questioned yourself.
Nevertheless, you get up off the ground, and continue on your way. Having stopped for so long, your joints and grown stiff, only slowing your pace. You extend your wings to stretch them, which, no matter what was going through your mind, always felt relieving. Even though you never used your wings in the hospital, you had gone through muscle therapy to prevent wing-muscle atrophy. You fold your wings back in, and continue, speeding up your pace by a bit.
Three hours later, and you had still not seen any signs of civilizations. It was near pitch-black, and you dare not venture further, as to prevent yourself from losing track of the road. You were certain that the road would eventually lead to a town. Nopony would create a road leading nowhere. Or would they? Again, these were just your trust issues preventing any certainty of any situation. Since you wouldn't venture any further, you stopped again by the side of the road, near what seemed to be a tree. The darkness hid its true form.
This was your least favorite part of any day. Sleeping. Why? Because whenever you closed your eyes, they would come back. Haunting you. But you could only evade sleep for so long. However, you quickly remember the pills Sigmund had told you to take immediately.
"I suppose now would be as good as any other time to start taking these." you say to yourself as you pull out a container. You pop the cap off carefully, as to not drop any. You slowly pull out two.
"Or was it three? Between how many hours? Damn amnesia."
You reassure yourself that it was two, every 24 hours. At least you were rather certain that it was. You placed the pills in your mouth, and swallowed. You had no idea how soon they would begin to have an effect. You just hoped that they could somehow suppress the nightmares you've had. You screw the cap back on, and feel around for its proper position in the saddlebag. You slip it back in, and snap the bag shut. You placed your head on the ground, and waited for sleep to arrest you. Sleep crept up on you, and took you by surprise.
--------
"M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
--------
Your eyes dart open and quickly pick yourself up. You're panting, and covered in a cold sweat.
"Pills *huff* didn't do a damn *huff* thing!" you shouted between breaths.
You're still panting, but as you look around, you see that the sun is barely rising. You sit back down to collect yourself. This had become a routine for you. You knew every night before you slept that you would experience this. And you knew that every time you woke up, you'd be panting. So, as part of your routine, you'd wait to calm down before continuing anything you were doing. After slowing your breath, and recovering, you stood up, and continued on the track. You decided that dawn would be the best time to travel, before you had any encounters with anypony.
A few hours have passed without you stopping. You've managed to keep your mind concentrated on the road. They haven't reappeared since your night terror. But something else attracts your attention. Specifically, your stomach. You sighed heavily. You disliked having any sort of weakness. Having weaknesses meant that you would have to seek help, and seeking help meant social interaction. Luckily, you remembered the three apples that you had in your saddlebag. You stopped only for a few seconds to pull one out.
"Crisis averted." you said to yourself as you bit into the apple.
You continue onto your pace again, hoping to reach the next town before anypony walks on this road while you're on it. You'll be damned if you have to interact with somepony. But then you come to a realization.
"What am I going to do when I reach the town? Walk in, ask for a home and then keep to myself every month?" You questioned.
"Maybe I could stay in the outskirts of the town, and only come in every few weeks for supplies. But do I really want to live my life like that? Or what's left of it at least. Why am I even worrying about this? It's not as if I'm going to remember this tomorrow." you told yourself.
Sigmund had told you that if you'd refuse to talk to anypony, you should at least talk to yourself, to keep your speech skills, so when the time came when you HAD to interact with somepony, you wouldn't be at a lost for words.
"What about bits? How would I earn those? I doubt Sigmund would be willing to lend me any more every month. And what about him? Knowing him, he'll eventually want me to start with examinations again, which will lead to nowhere. What am I going to do? Live the rest of my life as a sad pathetic waste of a pony?"
Tears started to form in your eyes, but you've always been able to hold them back. Shedding tears showed weakness, which you hated to show. However, now, you couldn't. You weren't sobbing, just letting tears out. You didn't fight it. The few times you had cried at the hospital, from what you remember, had eventually comforted you in some manner. Another simple form of expression that comforted you, the other being anger. However, anger had more consequences, which is why you never expressed it. Eventually, you stopped crying. Again, it seemed to you that every emotion followed the same routine. Anger, when you released it, would lead to a quick outburst of rage, in which you would eventually calm yourself down. Sorrow would lead to self-pity, and would resolve itself in the same method rage had. It was all a routine.
By now, the sun had settled in the middle of the sky. You were more attentive to the road, constantly making sure that no one was sneaking up behind you. This was your paranoia kicking in. You were starting to become fatigued, so you decided to take a quick rest near the side of the road. You take refuge near a tree, that provided nice cover for you to rest. You ponder about whether or not you should read your case file or not again. This would be the third time. You pull out your case file, and look through the contents. You stare at your photo for a few moments, just like you had before. This time, however, you just skim through Sigmund psychological analysis of you. You looked more into the back contents of the case file. The first couple of pages are Sigmund analysis. The rest is either photo-documentation, which consists of brain scans, medical check-ups, that sort of thing. You also look into the police case. They had included the photos of your parents, dead, for autopsy purposes you assumed.
You found it strange that you could look at these photos with no expression and feel nothing, yet, they still haunt you. You look further into the report. You come across a picture of yourself at the crime scene, as a foal, covered in the blood of his parents. Again, you feel nothing staring into what was once you. You continue flipping through the pages, more reports, examinations, brain scans, all of which did nothing. However, you had never noticed, in your two times, that in the back was one more picture. Not a brain scan, photo from the crime scene, or anything of that sort. It was a picture of you, and your parents, taking what seemed to be a family photo.
"Why would Sigmund include this? What is he trying to tell me?"
Again, you had to fight every urge to destroy this file case. For as much as it would help for you to release your anger into this file case, it would have dire consequences to do so. You simply put it back into the saddlebag, and continue on the road.
You could sense that whatever town lay ahead was near. There were less signs of trees, and the road had grown a bit wider. Now, you were more attentive than before. Every other second, you would check behind you, only to be relieved by the fact that no one was there. Over the horizon, you could see the line that was created by the roofs of buildings. Again, as when you exited the hospital, with every step you took closer, your heart beat increased.
"What if there's a someone by the entrance? Or what if there's an entire gathering happening right now? I can barely communicate with one pony for my needs, let alone an entire town."
With every step closer, your pace was slowed down. And every step closer, you heart raced faster. You could swear that your chest was going to explode. The buildings, which were actually homes, were now much closer. You couldn't see anypony yet, but you stayed alert. Your legs started to tense up much, much more.
"This wasn't a good idea. I should have just stayed in the outskirts of this town. I would have a better chance surviving in the forest than I would in this city. Why? Why did I keep going without thinking of the consequences? I should know better than this. I've been hurt too many times for me to fall for this again. I should just turn back right now. But what about food? Are you really going to run away with only two apples? You're only delaying the inevitable. Just go, spend your bits on as much food as you can, and leave. Maybe the ponies in this town aren't social? Maybe there aren't even any ponies in this town. But what if I get stopped by someone who won't let me go on my own? I can't take the risk, I'm just goi-"
Letting your mind wander wasn't your best choice. As you stopped yourself mid-sentence, you caught yourself, inside the town. Your heart instantly started beating the hardest it ever has. You could feel the adrenalin rushing through your body. This was the second time you've had this feeling before. The only other time being when you left the hospital. You quickly observed your surroundings, and you saw them. The ponies. Many of them, walking in different directions, but you could only focus on the ones converging towards your direction. You started to back up. You refuse to interact with anypony at this moment. You turned around, deciding that you shall leave.
"Whatever awaits me in the forest will prove to be less of a challenge than talking to anypony!" you quickly mutter to yourself.
As you started galloping towards the exit of town, you notice another pony walking towards your direction, from behind you, which you could have sworn you had been so attentive to. You began to hyperventilate, taking in quick breaths. If you hadn't been so paranoid, you would have known that you could have just walked past the one pony without any conflict, but that was not the case. Your mind had created a fear of others, which was too great to overcome, at least at the moment.
Every second you spent panicking was another second wasted in solving your dilemma.
"I have to do it. The only way I'm getting out of this is if I fly." you assured yourself.
The reason you haven't flown at all since your release is because you weren't confident in your abilities to do so. You couldn't even remember the first steps to flying. But, now was not the time to panic. You had believed that it was either, "escape by flying or die trying." You erected your darkened wings, readied yourself into what you believed was the proper stance, and pushed yourself off the ground with great force, while flapping your wings.
Suddenly, it felt as if time had slowed down. You looked beneath you to see the ponies shrinking. The feel of flying through the air was just as, if not more, exhilarating as when you left the hospital. This time, it was the wind pushing against you, the feel of not having to communicate just a bit longer, the feel of escaping your fear that had brought you great pleasure. You could almost feel a smile coming onto your face, either from flying, or the anti-depressants had finally kicked in. Nevertheless, again, you felt at peace. You took a moment to indulge yourself in the blissful moment you had felt. Still flapping your wings, you had slowed your pace, only enough to stay hovering.
"At least flying wasn't one of the things my amnesia hasn't take yet." you told yourself.
You looked down towards the town, seeing all the ponies continue on with their day, not noticing you whatsoever, just the way you liked it. You looked back up, seeing the sky, a mass expanse of where you could escape. This, had definitely brought you comfort.
"Maybe there is hope for me after all. Maybe I can-"
"Look out!"
You quickly turned around, only to see a pony hurdling to you at break-neck speeds.
Why? Why you? Could the universe really be so cruel? You had barely escaped social interaction, by quite literally seconds. You had finally gain the confidence to fly again, which allowed you to escape everypony. Escaping had ALMOST brought a smile to your face. And you knew why. You just wanted to be left alone. And now, you were plummeting down to what you considered to be your own version of Hell, with the devil, right by your side. And by devil, you meant the pegasus that had crashed into you, causing you to lose your balance.
Again, just as when you had flown a few seconds ago, time seemed to slow down. The ground was still far away. The only good that would come out of this is that the pegasus-pony that had done this would send you near the outskirts of the town. With time still passing slowly, you turn to look at the pegasus. The wind had made it difficult for you to open your eyes clearly, but you managed to see the pegasus. She was trying to re-orientate herself, as she had lost her balance too after crashing into you. She had a light-blue coat and a rainbow-streaked mane. Her eyes were a brilliant rosy color.
You despised her already.
You noticed that she had finally re-orientated herself and was becoming smaller. And that's when it hit you. Or rather, that's when you hit the ground. You had fallen chest-first, knocking out any air you had in your lungs. That wasn't the worst of it, since your top-left hoof had taken the rest of the impact, causing it to buckle under you. The pain had been immense, considering you never built any sort of pain-tolerance at the hospital, other than emotional. Once you stopped rolling, landing on your side, you tried to breathe in. Nothing. You tried to stand up, starting with your left hoof. That was, on your part, a foolish decision. You immediately fell back down, realizing that your left hoof may be sprained, if not broken. Again, you tried to breathe in, this time taking a minute amount of air. At this point, you decided to lay on the ground until you recover, still panting. All you had on your mind was the pain. You attempted to breathe again. You manage to take in more air. Closing your eyes, you waited until the pain had mostly subsided.
"Hey!"
That is, until the sound of somepony made your eyes dart open. You had only hoped that whoever it was, it was anypony but the blue one.
"What the hay is wrong with you? Didn't you see me trying out some new tricks?"
Had she really just said that? You didn't know much about social interaction, but one form of interaction you did know about was aggression. You had been aggressive towards the nurses at the hospital a few times, and you had no problem expressing your anger.
"Are you even listening?"
This had angered you, to a much further extent than the nurses had ever reached. Not only had she been at fault for crashing into you, she blamed you for it. Had the fall been any worse, or had you been in a different position when falling, you could have died. You contemplated whether or not death would have been a blessing for a second, but you disregard that. That wasn't it, however. Out of all this, nothing could compare to the fact that you had no choice but to interact with her.
"Are you deaf or something?"
You proceeded to get up, now being able to control your breathing. It still hurt to breathe, but at least it didn't sound like you were choking. You stay off your left-hoof, now realizing that it was broken, or sprained. You turned to her, limping as you do. You focus your eyes on her, examining her facial expression.
"She seems annoyed. And what for? Maybe if I stay quiet, she'll go away." you thought to yourself.
And so you did. All you did was stare at her, with a scowl on your face.
"Well?..."
You kept the same expression, not moving a single muscle.
"Oh. Are you like, one of Celestia's guards?"
You said nothing. In this state of absentmindedness, you forgot about your injured left-hoof, and let it fall to the ground. Immediately, you retract it and curse under your breath, knowing that she would become concerned.
"Ouch. That doesn't look too good."
You take a look at your own hoof, and see that it's becoming swollen.
"Here, let me take a look." she beckons as she trots closer.
As if it were a reflex, which, for all you know, it may be, you start walking backwards.
"What? Come on! You could really be hurt." she demands as she speeds up.
Hurt. You scoffed at the idea that you could be hurt. You knew that she could never have the slightest idea what you've gone through. You kept backing up, or rather, limping backwards.
"Would you stop? I'm trying to help you! Even though you totally ruined my performance!"
Could she really be that ignorant? That was it. You could take the fact that the contents inside your saddlebag may have been damaged, you could take the injuries, you could even take the insults. But her constant pestering had pushed you too far. The anger within you had built up too much for you to contain. You had to say something to her. That would be the only she would leave you alone. You didn't know what you were going to say, but you knew whatever it was, it wasn't going to be nice.
"Help? You want to help? You could have helped me by not crashing into me! You could have helped by leaving me alone. You could help by not bothering me any more! You could help by getting out of my sight!" you roared.
And everything went quiet. Besides saying, "Thank you" to Sigmund, this was the longest conversation you've ever spoken to anyone other than yourself. You did not release the full extent of your anger, luckily. Had you done so, you would most likely still be yelling at her. After realizing that she was still here, you turned to see her expression. You figured that she would be either scared or ready to cry. That's how all the nurses reacted when you did release your anger at the hospital. You never felt remorseful for them and you were sure that you wouldn't feel remorseful for her. But you were surprised to see that she was neither sad nor about to cry. She had become angry as well.
"What is your problem? I just wanted to see if you'd be alright!" she retorted.
By now, you've cooled off. You weren't angry anymore. You just wanted her to go away, so you chose your words carefully now.
"Go away."
Well, somewhat carefully.
"Fine. I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've got some serious problems, other than your hoof." she said before she flew off.
And you sighed in relief.
"Oh, thank Celestia." you said between breaths.
There was something about the cyan-colored pegasus that bothered you. Maybe it was the fact that she was the only one who you've had a conversation with, albeit incredibly short.
"No, that's not it." you reassured yourself.
You decided to examine your surroundings, while still keeping in mind your hoof. The town was relatively close, but you were certain that you wouldn't see anypony else. But then again, you were certain that the skies would provide you with peace, and here you are now.
"What am I going to do now? I've had enough social interaction to last me a lifetime. And there's no way in Hell that I'm going to back into the town. And the skies? Not with any chance of running into that blue pegasus." you told yourself.
Behind you, a trail that led into the forest, and in front of you, a road that led to the town. Without any hesitation, you turned towards the forest, or limped. But all you had on your mind was the cyan pegasus.
"What is it about her that keeps bothering me? Do i really feel guilty for yelling at her? If that's it, why her and not any of the nurses at the hospital? It has to be something else." you said out loud.
You checked behind you and your surroundings to make sure that nopony was near. After verifying that nopony was around, you continued to contemplate that pegasus.
"Maybe it was because she wanted to help me. But so did the medical staff. Only because it was their job to help me. Other than Sigmund. Sigmund wanted to help me, and not because it was his job to do so. Is that why I feel differently to that cyan pegasus? I never asked for her help, but she wanted to. Although she probably felt responsible for hurting me. No, that's not true. She had said something. What was it? Damn amnesia! What did she say? Something along the lines of, 'ruining her performance.' So she can't feel responsible. Was it really genuine concern for me that she had? No, it can't be. The only person who actually wants to help me is Sigmund, but can I really be helped? It's only been a day since I've left. And I already feel lost. What am I to do for the next 29 days? Why am I even bothering to worry about what I'm going to do? I'm sure by tomorrow, my amnesia would have already caused me to forget that this ever happened."
You continued down the trail, but at such a slow pace. You had hoped that your hoof would have healed to a certain degree by now, but that wasn't the case. In fact, it seemed to have gotten worse from the walk.
"Damn it, this hurts." you cursed, clenching your teeth.
Again, you take a look around your surroundings, and notice that nightfall had crept up on you once more. The forest was behind you, having cleared it. This time, it wasn't pitch-black. The moon had provided some light to observe the environment. You noticed a cottage into the distance, but you were too fatigued to worry about that. Deciding that you've done enough for one day, you go off to the side of the road, near one of the trees, as you usually did, and laid down. You did carelessly, as you accidentally bumped your left hoof near one of the tree roots. The pain was just as excruciating, if not more, then when you had first injured it, causing you to collapse on the ground.
"Grah! That's... Definitely sprained..." you uttered.
Now, being on the ground, you take this time to look through the contents of your saddlebag. As you open it, the smell of apples permeates through the air. You grab the apples, which are wet, leading you to conclude that they'd become bruised and damaged in the crash.
"That damn pegasus! As if it weren't bad enough to be injured and socially scarred, she also destroyed my food supply for the next day!"
In a fit of rage, you throw the apples away, being bruised and crushed. Looking back into the saddlebag, you panic as you realize that your file case might have gotten stained by the apples. You pull it out, only to be relieved that it's not damaged, other than a few stains.
"She should consider herself lucky that this wasn't damaged, otherwise I would have made it my personal goal to find her."
Just like you've done every time before, you decide whether or not to look through the contents of your case file. This would be the fourth time you'd read your case file. And again, just like every other time, when you open the case file, you stare at your photo. You begin reading through your report, taking every in every piece of information. About an hour passes before you finish reading every bit, from Sigmund's analysis, to the police report, to the photo-documentation. And once more, it had no effect on you. None whatsoever. As you place the case file back in your saddlebag, you're reminded of your anti-depressants.
"Has it been 24 hours since I've taken them? Or is it supposed to be every 12 hours? Is it TWO every interval? Or is it more?"
You take a look at the anti-depressants container's label, and it reads, two every 24 hours. You sigh, realizing that you cannot remember a simple task as taking the medication.
"When I had escaped earlier, was it the anti-depressants that brought me joy? Or was it escaping the ponies that brought me joy?" you asked yourself.
Either way, you didn't hesitate to take your medicine. Like a routine, you pulled out two pills and swallowed them. As one routine ended, another started, specifically, your nightmares.
"Why do I bother trying to stay awake? I'm going to eventually fall asleep, only to have them reappear."
They still appeared in your memories. But, because of these last few hours, they haven't been on your mind. What with having your first conversation in the outside world be an argument, and the pain from your hoof, you found it hard to concentrate on anything else. That, and the fact that you've done nothing but travel today didn't make it easy to stay awake. With every inch that the distance between your eyes shorten, you feared the inevitable night terrors. Unfortunately, you could no longer resist it, and you slept.
--------
"You sure you're ready for this?"
"I could ask you the same thing!"
"Hello fillies and gentlecolts! And welcome to Cloudsdale Junior Flight School's 10th annual Relay Race! Please allow me to introduce our contestants today! On team one, we have -"
"Hey, so you remember the plan, right?"
"Hay yeah, I do! We've practiced for, like months!"
"Remember, it's first place or nothing!"
"So, without further ado, let's get started!"
"Alright, this is it!"
"Months of training all comes down to this!"
"Racers, get ready!"
"Okay, come on! Open your wings!"
"Yeah, I got it!"
"In five, four, three, two, one... GO!"
--------
You open your eyes to be greeted by the sun, and thoughts are already rushing through your head.
"What the Hell was that?! I've never had that dream before!" you say to yourself.
You attempt to get up, but thanks to your amnesia, you start with your left hoof, again, causing you to collapse.
"Gah! Damn it!"
Another thing you notice is that you're not panting or in a cold sweat either. This was strange for you. Every night, you've had that same memory, the one that tortured you, and now, it changes so suddenly? It wasn't that it had changed for you, that angered you, it was the fact that there was no reason for it to change. No explanation. You don't get up just yet. You lay there, trying to figure out why you didn't have the nightmare.
It seems wherever you went, you could not escape. Not by land nor by air. Water was, perhaps, the only place you could escape to, but unfortunately, you weren't a fishlike-pony. And unlike you had hoped, you retained the memory of the conversation you had with the cyan pegasus yesterday. Your sprained hoof was a reminder of that. Figures. The one time you were glad to have anterograde amnesia, and it didn't help. It was as if there was some supernatural force at work, making your life a constant torment, choosing key moments that you hated, and making you forget any pleasurable ones. And the few times you had to be alone, dawn and dusk, had only lasted so long. It was dawn right now, and you couldn't even enjoy this moment. Why? Because there was a pony, right behind you, asking if you were all right. You prayed to everything royal in Equestria, that it was anypony, but the cyan one. It didn't sound like her, but how could you be so sure? The only specifics you did remember from the event were her crashing into you, proceeding with you injuring yourself, her blaming you, then showing concern, which then lead to you yelling at her, her retorting, and finally flying away. What you both had said was beyond you.
By letting your thoughts flow, you had forgotten about that pony behind you. Your heartbeat increased, not as drastically as when you had flown, but to a significant amount. You slowly turned your head towards the pony, and focused your eyes. You let out a sigh.
The pony behind you was, thankfully, not the cyan one. Instead, she was a yellow one, with a simple pink mane. Her eyes, however, were cyan, but that did not bother you. You were just relieved to know that it was not the cyan one. And as you turned to look at her facial expression, you had remembered she had asked you a question. You froze up, you had no idea how to respond, let alone what the question was that she had asked. And yet, the cyan pegasus was still on your mind.
"Do you need help?"
Her voice was soothing, not aggressive or demanding. The difference had little effect on you, or so you thought. You were less reluctant to respond to her. However, you weren't sure how she would respond to your blatant expression. You had no choice but to respond.
"No."
She seemed to be disturbed by your response, as you could tell by her facial expression.
"Was it my response? Or was it my tone that disturbs her?" you contemplated.
Whether or not she was disturbed, it did not matter to you. The only thing that did matter was that she would leave. However, she did not.
"Are you sure? You look very injured." she replied.
Just as you feared. Persistent. You were about to respond without any hesitation that you didn't need any help, but before you did, you looked at your hoof. You were in no condition to be going anywhere, and you wouldn't travel by air, simply because of the cyan pegasus. Again, the thought of living in the water came back as a viable option, but you quickly discarded that idea. You knew that you needed medical attention, and soon, before the condition of your hoof worsened. It was now that you realized that the situation you are in right now, was much worse than the dilemma with the cyan pegasus. With the cyan-pegasus, you had no need for her. She was just a nuisance. However, now, you needed help, something you'd never admit. This is when your heart began to race. And yet, the cyan pegasus was still on your mind.
This would be the hardest thing you'd ever do to date. With all your conditions, which, again consisted of, according to your case file; major depressive disorder, retrograde and anterograde amnesia, suicidal tendencies, low-self esteem, aggressiveness, trust issues, psychosis, and paranoia; how could you ask somepony for help? Anypony with the slightest idea of these mental disorders would know that suicide would be an easier option. But suicide was not something you were about to do... Yet. You had to accept her offer, even if it would kill you, and it just might.
You slowly opened your mouth. With your heart racing, and every single part of your mind telling you to say, "No" you uttered the words...
"Yes, I need help."
You immediately regret your statement. Whatever pain you would have to experience with your hoof, and the rest of your body, would never come close to the agony of uttering those words. The situation you had just put yourself in would surely prove to be worse than the cyan pegasus. You analyzed her facial expression again, and see that she seemed glad that you had accepted her help. And yet, the cyan pegasus was still on your mind.
"All right, then. I wish I could do something to keep you off your hoof, but unfortunately, I have to carry these apples." she responded as she motioned to a basket of apples on the ground in front of her.
"Do you think you can stay off your hoof up to my cottage?" as she then motioned to the same cottage you had seen the previous night.
It was a relief to you that the cottage had been hers. This would mean that a trip to the town would be unnecessary. And now, you had to respond again. You couldn't talk. How could you? You just accepted the help of a pony you had never met, even with all your trust issues. You simply nodded your head, but really, it was more of a nervous twitch you had managed to shape into a nod.
"Well then, follow me, and I'll patch you up." she said before she picked up the basket of apples with her mouth.
You picked yourself up of the ground, being careful with your left hoof, and proceeded to follow her.
"Her voice... is... not demanding, even in the slightest bit. And just like the cyan pegasus, she offered me help. But, unlike the cyan pegasus, she has done nothing to me. Unless she had done something to me in my sleep, she shouldn't feel obligated to do so. She is just like, Sigmund... Wanting to help me... I thought Sigmund was the only of his kind." you pondered. And yet, the cyan pegasus was still on your mind.
From letting your thoughts flow, you didn't realize that you had arrived at her cottage. She placed the basket down, and began to open the door. Once again, you feared what lied ahead. You had never been inside any other home. The hospital had become what you learned to call, "home." You expected to see white, everywhere. That's how the hospital was. And you also expected to see beds, attached to the walls, windows with bars, doors with security locks. She opened the door, walked inside, expecting you to follow.
You hesitated for a moment, before walking inside. You had no choice, but to do so. You walked in, and when you observed your surroundings, you could not believe your eyes. There were no hospital beds, there were no bars in the window, other than the ones in the frame, and not a hint of white. The fears you held from coming into the cottage were gone. There was nothing to fear. It was quite inside. Peaceful. You stood still. You were in shock. You had never expected anypony's home to be like this. And again, just like in the air, you felt at peace.
"Now, let me take a look at your hoof."
And, as if it were déjà vu, you were suddenly ripped from the peaceful serenity you had been experiencing. Even though she had acted like Sigmund, it would take much more than a peaceful home and kindheartedness to earn your trust. It had taken Sigmund years to earn that from you, so you kept your guard. Slowly, she proceeded closer to you. If this was anything like the hospital, you weren't going to enjoy this. She sat in front of you, and motioned for your hoof. You resisted.
"Please, I need to see your hoof if you want me to help."
There it was again. Help. Was it really possible that this pony genuinely wanted to help? And yet, the cyan pegasus was still on your mind.
"Well, I've come this far. No sense in stopping now." you thought to yourself.
You slowly raised your left hoof to her, even though everything told you not to. She, too, slowly raised her hooves to meet yours. Gingerly, you held your hoof, and proceeded to wrap it in a cloth. So many thoughts were racing through your mind.
"Why am I letting her do this to me? I trust Sigmund more than I trust her, and yet, here I am, letting her 'help' me. And most of all, how is it possible that the cyan pegasus is still on my mind, even through all of this!? What significance does she have? Whatever the significance is, it must be stronger than this yellow pony. It has to be. Even in my moment of fear, she had still been on my mind." you thought to yourself.
"There. All done." whispered the yellow pony.
You were suddenly brought back into reality. The yellow pony had finished, and you raised your hoof to your face. It was wrapped in gauze, and had a small, metal clip holding it together. You attempted to get up, but the yellow pony urges you not too.
"Oh no no no! You simply must not walk on your left hoof just yet! It will take some time before you'll be able to use it again." she assured you.
"Perfect. Just what I needed. To spend anymore time around with another pony. I don't care if she helped me. I just want to leave." you reassured yourself in your thoughts.
And again, when you returned to your thoughts, the cyan pegasus had been waiting for you. Just like before.
"I haven't seen you around here. You're not from Ponyville, are you?" questioned the yellow mare.
"Ponyville. So that is the name of the town." you thought to yourself. You had hoped that she would let you leave. And what was stopping you? The door is right there. Something was stopping you, though. You just couldn't tell what it was. You needed to respond, somehow, to her question. You simply shook your head, as you still couldn't form words.
"Oh, well, are you from Cloudsdale?"
Your thoughts began racing in your mind. "Cloudsdale. How does she know that I'm from Cloudsdale. Did she know that I'm from from Cloudsdale? Or was she guessing? The only way she could know was-"
And that's when you noticed that she was a pegasus as well.
"Does... Does she know me? Prior to the death of my parents? That would explain her knowledge of me being from Cloudsdale. Did she know where I was sent to? Maybe that's why she wasn't so forceful towards me. Then that would mean she knows the condition I'm in. Is that why she was so willing to help me? To help me build a trust in her? Did Sigmund put her up to this? That would be the only way he could keep on eye on me from his office in Manehattan. And her wings, that would mean that she could easily fly over to Sigmund and report on me. Then that would mean that Sigmund knew that I would go towards Ponycity, or whatever that town is called. But what if I had originally traveled by air? Maybe that's why the cyan pegasus was there. If I had gone in a different direction, she would have directed me towards this yellow mare's home. The fact that she had blatantly crashed into me and then blamed me for it was a bit suspicious. But then why did he not have the cyan pegasus build a trust with me? Maybe so it wouldn't have been obvious, at least then, that Sigmund was behind this. But if that is true, how did Sigmund know I would have been injured, requiring medical attention from this yellow pegasus?"
Your mind tried to grasp the convoluted plan that Sigmund was behind. You trusted Sigmund, so you had assumed that Sigmund had trusted you. Why would he do this? He vowed to leave you alone when you were not meeting with him. He had broken this vow. You had to confront Sigmund about this, now. You didn't care that he had requested for monthly visits. You had requested to be left alone, and he didn't respect that. This infuriated you. You made it evident to the yellow pegasus when you flared your nostrils.
"Oh... Um, is something wrong?" she questioned.
You didn't respond. You were about to become very angry, and you were planning on taking that anger out on Sigmund. He was responsible for this, not the two pegasi. And yet, even through all this critical, elaborate thinking you spent much of your brain power on...
The cyan pegasus was still on your mind. You couldn't stand this confusion any longer, you stood up, avoiding to use your, now bandaged, left hoof.
"Wait. You mustn't use your left hoof. I think it would be best if you stayed off it." she contested.
You ignored her. The more she wanted to interact, the more the anger bubbled to the surface.
"I don't think it's the best idea to leave just yet. I have some herbal remedies to help ease some of the pain in your hoof."
Again, the anger only increased. You needed to respond to her.
"I'm leaving."
"B-but... B-but..." she whimpered.
Why did she keep trying to provoke you to stay? She knew the condition you were in. You would think that she would be more careful of your situation. This time, you said nothing. You simply walked towards the door.
"I'm going to fly to Sigmund. I don't care if I run into that cyan pegasus. It would be much faster and simpler than running all the way to Manehattan." you concluded.
You knew that Sigmund would be surprised to meet you, just two days after leaving the hospital. But weren't you surprised to find out that Sigmund was behind everything that's happen to you these past two days? You were right at the door. You looked back at the yellow pegasus, and sighed. "Just when I thought I could trust somepony." you told yourself in your thoughts.
"Please... don't go. You're still hurt."
Before you found out Sigmund's plans, you admit that her voice was somewhat soothing. Now, it was the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. You couldn't stand it anymore. You needed to leave, before you said anything you would regret. You would hate to express your anger on an innocent pawn in Sigmund's plan. How innocent was she really? You decided to contemplate how innocent she was later. First, you had to get to Sigmund. And nothing is going to stop you. You open the door. And even through all of this...
Trust. How much of it could you give to ponies? It's strange how it takes years to grow trust, and how it can be taken away in mere seconds. Trust is such a simple aspect to you. And yet, it's incredibly difficult to for you to trust anyone. There was one person you trusted, in this entire world. Shouldn't trust be mutual? That's what you had believed. The keyword being, "had." You had trusted Sigmund. Again, keyword is "had." Could he really be behind this whole complex, convoluted plan? You had to find out. You had to find out just how far his plan goes. How long was he planning on keeping this plan going? You were determined to find everything out. You had to find Sigmund.
And, as luck would have it, the cyan pegasus is standing in your way.
The cyan pegasus. She had been on your mind this entire time. She was significant in some manner, you just didn't know in which manner it is. But she was connected to Sigmund's plan, and she was much more of a nuisance than the yellow one. You were certain of that. But the yellow one, too, took part in Sigmund's plan. Why? What connection do they have with Sigmund? And what about the yellow one knowing who you are? Had she told everything to the cyan one? If that was true, then why did she act the way she had? Again, you would get your answers from Sigmund. But now, you had to control your anger. And the two pegasi were making it very difficult to do so. She had asked you something.
"What did she ask me? I have to say something, now." you thought to yourself.
"Get out of the way." you replied bluntly.
"Oh my gosh, Fluttershy! Are you all right?" she yelled.
Fluttershy. Is that the name of the yellow pegasus?
"Yes, I'm all right." you heard from behind you. She then trotted to your side. It made you feel uncomfortable.
"Well... Still! What the hay are you doing here?" the cyan pegasus questioned.
You were about to respond yet again, with the same words you had said previously, but Fluttershy interjected.
"Oh, well... I saw him on the side of the trail, and he looked like he needed help." she said as she motioned to your hoof.
Help. Help? Why was it that both of these pegasi wanted to help? This only reinforced your idea that Sigmund was behind all of this. You were about to lose yourself in your thoughts when the cyan pegasus had questioned you yet again.
"Oh, but when I try to help you, you tell me to go away!" she replied.
"You two know each other?" questioned Fluttershy.
You wanted the cyan pegasus to say no. You wanted to leave. Dealing with one pony at a time had already been stressful enough, and now you were caught between two.
"Yeah... I sorta flew into him when I was practicing some tricks, but it was totally not my fault!"
The cyan pegasus could not have chosen a poorer choice of words. That was what had set you off last time, and you had grown impatient. They were stopping you from seeing Sigmund, and you knew that if you didn't say anything, you would only be stuck here longer. You decided to interject.
"Not your fault? Not your fault! So I suppose that would make it my fault?! All I was merely trying to do was escape the ponies on the ground, and I was surrounded! I had no choice but to fly, something I haven't done in years! And when I finally reached an optimal level, you, with all your carelessness, crashed into me! Not only that, but when I had hit the ground, you showed no concern whatsoever! Had I fallen in a different position, I could have died! And you wouldn't have cared because of your ignorance! Luckily for you, I was fine, but not without injuring myself! And when I said I did not need your help, you had to keep questioning why?! You couldn't just leave it at that! Do you know why I accepted the help of Fluttershy? Because she had asked me! She did not feel responsible for injuring me, unlike you, which is probably the only reason why you wanted to help me so much in the first place! She was not forceful or demanding, unlike you! I'm surprised to that you actually have to question why I responded the way I did! I was sure that Sigmund had told you everything about me!" you yelled.
And then, everything went silent. Your breathing was long and heavy. When you focused on the cyan pegasus, she had given you glare. Her eyes piercing yours. But her face had then shaped into a concern look, as she looked past you. You realized that Fluttershy had left your side. You then turned to her, and saw that she was scared. Scared, of you specifically. It was strange. Fluttershy had acted just like the nurses at the hospital. They reacted in fear. And when you turned to the cyan pegasus, her glare seemed to be magnified, and focused on you. She was about to say something, but you've had quite enough. She was standing in the doorway, blocking you from leaving. You would only have one chance. With your injured hoof, you had to charge past her, and start flying. Time was growing short. It was now or never.
You charged, making sure to stay off your left hoof. You angled your body in a position so that it would provide a suitable amount of force to push her out of the way. She wasn't expecting that. You knew that by her falling over to her side when you had pushed her out of the way. You had made it outside. Something you've been longing for, for the past few minutes, ever since you stepped into Fluttershy's house. You extended your wings, preparing yourself to fly. You didn't bother to look back. You gave one great flap, and you took off. And when you started gaining speed, it wasn't you that was making yourself fly. It was something else. The feeling was strange.
"Hey! Get back here!"
No, she couldn't be. She wasn't. She wouldn't have the nerve to. But, as you quickly threw your head backwards, you saw her. The cyan pegasus, following you.
"The damn, ignorant, compulsive, egotistical, self-centered, pegasus!" you thought to yourself.
You had to lose her, and quick. But, you couldn't control yourself. Something else was making you fly. Like, prerequisite commands and knowledge of flying that you couldn't access, but was stored in your memory. Maybe it was true what they said, "you never forget how to fly". You turned back to her, and she was getting closer. You flapped your wings in longer and stronger strides, making an effort to reach the clouds above you. You turned back to her again, while she had not gotten any closer, she was still uncomfortably close. You turned back up to the sky. The sun was in your eyes but you could tell that you were about to hit a cloud. You had no idea what you were about to do. After all, everything you've done up to now seemed to be all reflexes. As you entered to cloud, you stopped, catching yourself in the cloud.
The cyan pegasus had rushed through the cloud, nearly tearing the cloud into two, all while you had hid yourself within it. You had no idea what had compelled you to perform such as maneuver. That certainly wasn't of your own doing. But you had to stay quiet. They cyan pegasus had not left just yet.
"Oh, where did he go? I swear when I get my hooves on him..." her voice faded away.
And you sighed.You had heard her leave. It was now much more dangerous to fly, so you decided that flying about the cloud level would be your best bet, as the clouds would provide cover from below. You couldn't leave just yet, however. So, in the time you spent hiding in the cloud, you checked your saddlebag, to make sure that the contents within were not damaged. You opened your bag, and found that everything was in place. Your case file, the anti-depressants, everything. You pulled out your anti-depressants to find Sigmund's new office. He had told you that his new address would be printed on the label. Or was that a lie as well? It was your only lead, so you had no choice but to follow it. After restoring the items back in your saddlebag, you surfaced to the top of the cloud.
Today had been a relatively cloudy day. Many of the clouds had been around the same level. You put most of your hoofs on top of the cloud, except for your injured hoof. You had to admit that being so high up, it was a bit more challenging to breathe, but you ignored it. All that was on your mind was Sigmund. You started to flap your wings again, and took off. You had a feeling that Manehattan was in the direction you were heading. You would eventually be able to tell if you were right when you see the skyscrapers of the city pierce the sky. But, you were all alone now. And it was peaceful. Again, something you hardly get to experience.
"How am I going to confront Sigmund about this? How will he react when I tell him I've found out his plan? Whatever happens, I'm going to get my answers. And find out why that cyan pegasus still leaves an impression in my thoughts!" you told yourself out loud.
Flying had become as easy as walking. Whatever took control of you when you were being chased was gone now. You had control of your wings again. Since you didn't have to concentrate on flying as much as before, you let your thoughts wander. And that's when it returned to you. The dream you had last night.
"What was that dream about? Those voices. They sound incredibly familiar. At least one of them does. And why was that dream so sudden? What triggered that dream? Or is it a memory?" you wondered to yourself.
And then you began to wonder the elaborate scheme that Sigmund had created.
"How long was Sigmund planning this for? Ever since I said I would leave the hospital when I was legally able to? Even then, the yellow pegasus... What was her name... Fluttershy. Does Fluttershy truly know my past? Even if that was true, how could I trust her? My case file says that I lived in Cloudsdale when my parents died. From what I know, Cloudsdale was sky city. And she is a pegasus. The school I attended. The flight school. Was she in my class? Before I left? Maybe she holds the secrets to my memory. But I can't trust her. Not yet. And what about the cyan pegasus? She knows Fluttershy. On a much more personal level that I've ever held with anyone. What if she knows my past as well? That would explain why Fluttershy was careful around me and the cyan pegasus wasn't. But then why would she chase me?"
Again, you knew that everything would become much clearer when you spoke with Sigmund. You've been flying for a while now, and you were becoming a bit tired. It was about mid-day now. You had to hurry if you wanted to see Sigmund. You had forgotten the address of Sigmund's new office. But you knew it wouldn't help you. You didn't know any of the streets or locations in the city. The only thing you knew was that Sigmund's office was in a new building, relocated somewhere in the city. The building went by the name of, "Manehattan Medical & Psychiatric Institution." From what you could tell, it had become both an actual hospital and a psychiatric one. Sigmund would probably have his own office.
Half an hour later, the clouds began to drift away, and you catch a glimpse of the skyscrapers. Your hunch had been right. But you weren't done yet. You still had to search around the city for the new hospital. And you wouldn't dare ask any of the civilians for help. You weren't ready to talk to anypony. How could you? You've been holding in such a strong amount of anger ever since you found out Sigmund's plan. Even though you had released that anger unto the cyan pegasus, your hate wasn't for her. It was directed towards Sigmund.
"How could Sigmund do this to me? After working all those years to earn my trust? Did he really think that I would be too foolish to find out his plans?" you contemplated.
Now, the sun had begun to set. You were running out of time. You kept to the skies, refusing to land, until you found the proper building. If the design of the new hospital was anything like the old one, you knew what to look for. A large, relatively white building. The front of the building would have the name. You kept searching, luckily not running into any other pegasi.
Half an hour passed, and it was now night. If Sigmund worked like he did his previous hours, he would be leaving soon. You frantically searched the city. You took no notice of the other ponies on the ground. They meant nothing to you. Just as long they didn't attempt to communicate with you, there would be no problems. And then you found it, just as you predicted.
The building was large, incredibly large, with a white coat of paint. The building had the name, "Manehattan Medical & Psychiatric Hospital" in large, glowing, red letters. Sigmund had to be there. Still flying, you looked below to see that there were little to no ponies surrounding the hospital. You quickly landed, avoiding any contact with anypony else. No doubt that the few that were around bothered you, but they paid no attention to you. If only it had been the same for the small town whose name you've forgotten. As you walked closer, you were suddenly bombarded with emotions of hate and fear. Unlike Fluttershy's home, you had no idea what to expect when you entered. Here, you knew exactly what to expect. White everywhere. Somepony at a table in the front, whom you'd have to confront, and ask for Sigmund. Your heart began to race again. It was as if you were going to spend another decade inside the hospital. You had every right to be fearful.
As you reached the glass doors, you pushed inwards. And again, your predictions had been right. White was everywhere. There was a pony sitting at a receptionist table. Something you didn't expect to see were ponies sitting in chairs around the room. What they had been waiting for, you had no idea, nor did you care. You had to find Sigmund. But that would mean having to have a conversation with the receptionist. Everything was so much easier before. You could easily find Sigmund at the old hospital. You had no idea where he was here. As you approached the desk, your heart raced even faster. She looked up to you, and you slowly opened your mouth, barely enough to spit out the name...
"Sigmund."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Dr. Sigmund isn't seeing anypony anymore."
She was lying. Another trait you picked up from the nurses at the old hospital was lying, and you could tell when somepony was lying. That's why you never trusted any of them.
"Liar." you whispered.
"I'm sorry?" she responded.
You were growing tired. You had spent the entire day, thinking about Sigmund. About what he will do and what you would tell him. It wasn't about to be all for nothing just because of a lying receptionist. This re-sparked the anger you had been containing since losing the cyan pegasus. As much as you wished to hold it all in for Sigmund, you couldn't contain it all. You raised your right hoof, and brought it down onto the table, while shouting, "LIAR!"
That was a mistake. All of the ponies in the lobby jumped from their seats. The receptionist quickly jolted back from the table and said, "Sir, please! I'm going to have to ask you to leave!"
"Where's Sigmund?!" you shouted again.
And then you heard your name being called from the left of you. You had no doubt of whose voice that was. The sound of his voice would most likely never leave your mind. What you once thought was a voice of comfort, had now become a voice of betrayal. And you turned to him. Sigmund.
You threw Sigmund against the wall, choking him as you do.
"You have to... Gah... Understand! *cough* I couldn't *wheeze* trust you... With all your mental conditions!"
You pull him back and throw him across his desk, scattering papers and documents of other patients.
"Please! *cough* You must understand! You must!"
You placed both your hooves onto his neck and pressed down.
"Oh, I understand. Completely!" you yelled as you push down harder.
Sigmund tries gasping for air, only spitting out blood as he does. You're covered in his blood, from all over your body. Sigmund struggles under your hooves, trying to break free to no avail. And finally, he stops. You release your grasp from his neck and sigh.
"This is rather early. I thought we had arranged to monthly meetings." you hear as you're brought back into reality.
Sitting in Sigmund's office, you notice that his interior hasn't changed much from his last office. He still had the frames and degrees, showing of his Ph.D's in the field of psychology. He also had a picture of himself from his younger years. Even younger then when you had been in the old hospital. His desk was cluttered with stacks of papers and documents. Most likely patients that he's been able to successfully help. You had wondered if any of the patients had any similar cases to the one you have. But you doubt that any patients had their parents killed and are now living the rest of their lives within a mental institution. No, you were unique.
"So, pray tell," Sigmund begins to ask as he sits down, "what have you come to tell me?"
"Strange. He sounds annoyed. Just like the cyan pegasus had wh-... Why? Why is she constantly invading me thoughts?" you thought to yourself. You continue to question why Sigmund had sounded annoyed.
"Is it because he expects me to barely say anything at all? Well, isn't he about to be in for a surprise." you continue in your thoughts.
And you were right. You were ready to release all your pent up anger unto Sigmund. You slowly opened your mouth.
"I know, Sigmund." you muttered, giving him one last chance to confess.
"Oh, what is it that you know?" he questioned.
And in one, single, fluid movement, you arose from your seat and leaned against his desk, and bellowed, "I know about your plans, Sigmund! I know about the two pegasi you had follow me! I know all about it!"
And, just like before, everything had gone quiet. You focused your attention to Sigmund, whose composure had not changed whatsoever. His calm, collected demeanor had bothered you. Had he not heard a word you've said? You were about to project yourself again, when Sigmund had spoken.
"I haven't the slightest idea what you speak of." Sigmund, again, keeping his calm behavior.
Liar. He must be lying. There was no way possible that you could be wrong. No, he knows. You just had to keep pressuring him. He'd eventually crack, and you'd expose the truth.
"Sigmund. Why did you have those two pegasi follow me?! The yellow and cyan ones?! You didn't think I would notice?" you question, ever so persistent.
And again, Sigmund had not changed his expression in the slightest. His composure, unaltered. Could you have been wrong? Had you made a fool of yourself to both the yellow and cyan pegasus? In front of Sigmund? You had never been wrong before, at least not in the hospital. You were always right when accusing one of lying. This feeling of erroneous was new. However, it wasn't pleasurable. In fact, it was mortifying, another feeling you've never experienced. Why does it bother you? You couldn't care less about the opinions of others, pertaining to yourself. So why had it bothered you now?
"Would you care to explain to me, what it is I have done?" asked Sigmund, positioning himself to get comfortable.
You searched. And searched. And searched for any hint, even the smallest hint that Sigmund was lying about not knowing what you spoke of. You looked for any sort of twitch, from his ears, to his eyes, to his hooves, and nothing. Sigmund was telling the truth. You had been wrong. All your anger, unjustified. All your accusations, incorrect. And when you brought your attention to Sigmund, he had been sitting, waiting patiently for you to explain.
How could you even begin to explain your ignorance? You took your trust of Sigmund for granted. How could you ever expect Sigmund to forgive you? And now you had to defend yourself. You fell back into the chair, in awe of your mistake. You looked back towards Sigmund, who was still waiting for an explanation. Why had his look bothered you? It was as if he was your father, scolding you for stealing something as insignificant as candy. For as strange as this analogy seemed to you, it felt natural. Sigmund had always been somewhat of a father-figure towards you. He was the only one who ever really wanted to help you, perhaps that is why he seemed to you like as one.
And now, you had to explain to your "father" why you had accused of him of betraying your trust. You let your head drop, and took a deep breath.
"I... *sigh* I had thought that you had sent two pegasi to follow me, so that you could watch over me. It seemed to be too much of a coincidence for everything that had happened to have happened. When the yellow pegasus had mentioned Cloudsdale, and her behavior towards me, it seemed that as if you had told them everything about me, and my past, as far as you can remember. It seemed as if you had told her to gain my trust, so that I could start developing my communication skills so that I could become integrated with society. All of this, had seemed planned. I had jumped to a conclusion without evaluating the consequences of my accusations. I'm... I'm sorry, Sigmund."
As you started to raise your head, you had expected Sigmund to be infuriated, and he had every right to be. When you closed in on him, he opened his mouth, and began speaking.
"There is no need to apologize. However, I would appreciate it if you were to explain what had exactly happened over these last two days."
Shocked and awed. Those were the only words that could explain your reaction. Had Sigmund really forgiven you so easily? How was it possible?
"Well... When I left the hospital..." you began. You explained every little detail from the past two days. You started with the journey to the small town, then, when you had flown for the first time, followed by the cyan pegasus incident. You then went on to explain what had happened when you had accepted the help of Fluttershy, and when you had thought up of the conspiracy-like theory. You also mentioned when the cyan pegasus had chased you, and when you had escaped her.
" I understand why you would assume for those sequences of events to be a plan that I had put into place. Your first encounter with another pony shouldn't have gone like that. I'm assuming that the little incident is how you injured your hoof." Sigmund said as he gestured to your hoof.
"Uh... Yes. And, it was the yellow pegasus that wrapped it up in this cloth." you responded.
"Hmm. And, she was gentle and patient, correct?"
You simply nodded.
"Well, for as adventurous and as mentally stressful these past few days have been for you, I must admit that I'm glad they happened."
You were about to ask why he was glad, when he began to explain himself.
"If you haven't noticed, this is by far the longest conversation we have ever held, and perhaps even the longest you have ever had." Sigmund proudly stated.
And he was right. Not once had you ever held a conversation so long and meaningful as the one you had now. How was it possible? It didn't make any sense.
"How is it possible, Sigmund? I hardly spoke a word these last two days." the words flowing without lag from your mouth, unlike they had before. Now that you were consciously aware that you were speaking flawlessly, it felt awkward to do so. How ironic. When it had felt odd to speak at all, you now felt unnatural being able to speak normally.
You had to know how could it be. The confusion and mystery that had surrounded these last two days was another source of anger that was slowly building up, but you could contain that. At least you hope you could.
"According to your accounts, something gave you the confidence to speak, so that you wouldn't have to question your words. Which event had accomplished this, I'm not certain. It might have been the cyan pegasus. You say that you did yell at her, and even in the form of aggression, it could have stopped your fear of communication. On the other hand, you did accept the help of the yellow pegasus, which, on a side-note, is a major advancement in social interaction." deciphered Sigmund.
Was it really that simple? Did yelling at the cyan pegasus really restore your confidence to communicate with others? Or was it accepting the help of Fluttershy? After all, years of medical and psychological practice had stated that you were unable to communicate with others. How could their diagnosis been wrong? Again, you asked another questioned.
"What about when I was chased by the cyan pegasus? When I had started flying... That wasn't me. I know that wasn't me. The things I did in the air, those maneuvers. Something had taken control."
It felt strange. Speaking. Such a simple action that you've lost the ability to perform, to be presented in such a manner. This would take some time for you to get used to. When you redirected your attention to Sigmund, he chuckled for a moment, and started to explain.
"That has a rather simple explanation. This seems to be a case of implicit memory, in which something you had done in the past, in this case, flying, carries over help with the same task in the future, even if you have no memory of doing that in the past. In your case, those "maneuvers" you spoke of, must have been performed when you were a foal. And your implicit memory of those maneuvers aided you." Sigmund said, as if he was lecturing.
These answers. They hardly satisfied you. However, you had to accept the fact that they answered your questions, regardless of their simplicity. After spending years trying to find the answers to why the way you are, it was a bit disappointing to realize that the answers were not as complex as you had imagined.
"What about the cyan pegasus?" you simply questioned.
"What about this cyan pegasus?"
"Why is she constantly on my mind? Even through the pain of the crash, and in the home of the yellow pegasus, she was still on my mind. Even now, she is! Why?"
"As much as you probably don't want to hear this, she was your very first interaction in the outside world. And if you've read your case file, which I'm assuming you still have?" asked Sigmund.
"Yes, and I've read it." you bluntly replied.
"Well, you have a few forms of amnesia, but in this case, it involves your anterograde amnesia, which is your ability to form new memories. And again, referring back to your case file, your form of anterograde amnesia hinders your ability, however, only to a certain extent. Only significant events are memorized. And, I would assume that your first form of interaction is significant. So, unlike many other things that your amnesia would not record, this event was significant, and was therefore, stored. And it seems that the greatest significance from the cyan pegasus incident was the cyan pegasus, which is why she is on your mind. Whether you like it or not, you've created a relationship with her, a rather negative one, but she may be the center of your thoughts for a very long time."
The thought of the cyan pegasus invading your mind, and staying there for as long as she wanted was uncomfortably disturbing. You hated her, and she was to be in your thoughts, for an incredibly long time.
"I see."
"Is there anything else you need to know?" questioned Sigmund.
"What about my dream?" you asked.
"Which one? The one about your parents?"
The dream. The strange dream you had one night ago. It has almost slipped your memory, but you barely remember it. Had you forgot to tell Sigmund about it? Nevertheless, you'll tell him now.
"No, a different one." you replied. Again, this feeling of being able to converse was still a bit unnerving. And as you looked towards Sigmund, his face seemed to have lit up with amazement.
"You had a different dream?! Well, please! Explain it to me!" Sigmund quickly replied.
And you tried to gather every piece of information you could remember from the memory. Your amnesia wasn't helping, but you could only one remember specific name from the event.
"I can't remember much from the dream. I heard... Two voices, an incredibly loud one, and one that felt familiar. What they said... I don't know, except the loud voice had said, "Cloudsdale." you explained.
This was when Sigmund had reached over to his cabinet and pulled out a tan folder, similar to your case file folder, except lighter. He practically threw it onto his desk and began furiously flipping through pages. When he finally stopped, he stayed quiet for a second, and began speaking again.
"So, you didn't have the dream about your parents? The one you've had for every night?" he questioned again.
"No. I didn't have the dream."
Sigmund stoop up from his chair and began pacing the room.
"This is strange. Something that happened to you these last two days triggered an unconscious memory. One, strong enough to suppress your old dream!" giving emphasis to his last sentence.
Before you were able to speak, Sigmund had started again, still pacing.
"Perhaps the key to repressing your memory of your parents' death is not through direct suppression, but rather, by unlocking older memories that are currently repressed!" Sigmund exclaimed, as if he had unlocked the answer to the universe. Which, in retrospect, may very well be the answer to YOUR universe.
"If this method can truly suppress your memory, then I suggest that we immediately start attempting to restore your memories before the accident." Sigmund proposed.
Sigmund had stopped pacing, and returned to his chair, adjusting himself into the same position he had when you had told your story.
"Now, I suggest that we do not rush into this. So, from what you've said, interacting with other ponies may or may have not triggered this memory. If this is what provoked the release of the memory, then I suggest that you start interacting with other ponies. This should be easier now, what with your ability to communicate freely being returned." explained Sigmund.
Other ponies. You were, somewhat, glad to be able to communicate, but that hardly meant that you would communicate with others. In fact, the only reason you were glad, was that you would be able to tell other ponies to "piss off", figuratively speaking.
"Sigmund, I refuse to speak with anypony." you objected.
Sigmund glared at you, arose from his chair, and spoke.
"Refuse? You refuse? So, what you're saying is that you refuse to become mentally stable?"
Had Sigmund just mocked you? How dare he. After years of telling you that your social skills, or lack thereof, were inept, he expects you to just begin to speak with others without fail?
"Sigmund, I can't just walk up to anypony and start communicating with them! Wasn't it you that had said that I would be unable to do so?" you retorted.
"Oh, for Celestia's sake, if you ever want to be cured of your psychological disorders, then you need to accept the fact that we have to try every method possible! And if that method includes communicating with every damn pony in Equestria, then you will communicate with every last pony!" Sigmund shouted.
That was the first time Sigmund had ever yelled at you. Honestly, it had almost scared you. But it wasn't so much fear, as it was stunning.
"I... I must apologize for that. It's that... We have tried for years to help you. And now, we have something to work with. I should have been more considerate of your mental conditions. We do not have to start immediately, but... If we do not take this oppu-"
"Sigmund. I'll do it. If this is what takes to restore my memory, I suppose there is no extreme harm that could come out of it." you replied.
"Excellent! You will see that this may prove to be a fruitful endeavor. There may be hope for you after all." Sigmund said.
Hope. The way he had worded his sentence. Was he beginning to lose hope in you?
"Since we're going to attempt this approach, there are a few things we should just adjust. First off, I'm going to give you a notebook, to record your memories, should they change. Considering your amnesia, you may forget a few specifics from the dream. Therefore, as soon as you awake from your dream, record every bit of information you can remember. Also, I suggest that we change our monthly appointments to weekly appointments. I feel that this way, I can keep track of your progress and see whether or not that this new method is effective. Are you fine with that?" Sigmund questioned.
Could you really say no to any of this? After the way he had reacted to your defiance, you couldn't disagree.
"Yes."
Sigmund searched his drawers of his desk, and pulled out a rather old notebook. It had a hardback, leather cover, and was a bit dusty. He shook it off, and handed it over to you, along with a few pens. You took them and placed them inside your saddlebag. As you opened it, it seemed to remind Sigmund of your antidepressants.
"Oh, for the record, have you been taking your antidepressants?"
"Yes, I've taken them. Although, I haven't taken them today." you replied, as you pulled out the small bottle. You popped the cap open, and paused.
"Damn. How many was it?" you thought to yourself.
"It's... Two a day." Sigmund responded, hesitatingly.
"Right." you said as you pulled out two and swallowed them.
"Do not worry. Eventually, it'll become a routine for you. Repetition is a method of creating a short-term memory into a long-term memory. With time, you'll be able to easily remember the amount per day." Sigmund ensured you.
You place the bottle back into your saddlebag, and strapped it shut. You began to trot to the door, until you were halted by Sigmund's voice once more. However, you only listened, and did not turn towards him.
"Remember, once a week. However, if something occurs in which you need to contact me before our designated appointment, do not hesitate. But, in moderation, once a week." Sigmund repeated.
You didn't say anything. You simply opened the door to his office, and exited. It was then when you realized your mistake.
"What did I just agree to?" you thought to yourself.
It's amazing how a pony can change so easily. Sigmund changed in a matter of seconds, from concerned to enraged. So did Fluttershy, from nurturing to fearful. So why was it so hard for you to do the same? Why couldn't you change from pessimistic to optimistic? Well, according to Sigmund and the medical staff, it was because the memory of your parents is overriding any form of optimism. The memory which has not haunted you for the last two days. And again, according to Sigmund, there was something that triggered the release of another memory. As it would happen the trigger is one of your greatest fears: interaction.
You had many fears, none of which you liked to admit. Although they ranged from a variety of different phobias, you were certain that little to no other ponies had the same. You didn't fear anything rational, such as spiders, water, clowns, the dark, heights, or anything of that sort. No, your fears were unique. Just like yourself.
You feared your past. What if your past was riddled with horrible memories of abuse? Your case file had said otherwise, but you knew that your memories held your truth, not the case file. The future was also something you feared. What if you're never able to cope with the death of your parents? Are you to spend the rest of your life a cruel, worthless, anti-socialite pegasus? You would soon rather die than live a life like that. And that may become a possibility in the future. You also had an unnatural fear of unicorns, but you presumed that was formed because of the unicorn who had cursed you with amnesia.
And now, Sigmund had told you to confront one of your fears. And in such an uncaring manner as well. When you refused to do so, he had yelled at you, something he had never done before. And it was something you never expected. It wasn't because you feared Sigmund, clearly not. He was at least three times your age, and would never resort to violence. He had always been so compassionate towards your case, and did hold some blame for your mental instability.
And there were the words that Sigmund had uttered the previous night.
"There may be hope for you after all."
His words echoed in your head. Had he begun to lose hope in your recovery? The pony who had helped you for years was finally becoming exhausted of attempting to cure you. His words had done a devastating blow to your (already) barely-present morale. You've been repeating the words over and over again ever since the previous night.
Despite the fatigue you had when you had arrived at the hospital, you knew you would be better off in the secluded town than in Manehattan. The bustling city with the more high class ignorant ponies just might prove to be more bothersome than the cyan pegasus. You knew the fly would take a few hours, especially now that you were flying at a slower pace and at a lower altitude. You didn't fly as high as you did when you were earlier because you had hoped that the cyan pegasus would have fallen asleep by now. Whether or not you were right, you weren't sure. As long as you didn't have to see her again, you couldn't care less.
When you had reached the town, your wings were about to give out. The night had been a particularly cloudy one, and since you didn't want to take any chances on the ground you landed on one of the many clouds. You had never known how soft the clouds were. Or maybe you did when you were younger. Regardless, the cloud was softer than any material you've ever laid your hooves on. It was infinitely softer than the ground, and much softer than any pillow or mattress. At least softer than the beds in the hospital. It didn't matter. You couldn't sleep. The fear of having to speak was too great to let you fall asleep.
As the hours passed, you kept imagining how a conversation would go between you and another pony. You went through every possible outcome.
"Hello."
"GET AWAY!"
That makes 77 possible responses.
By now, the sun was rising. You were a bit drowsy, but you were glad that you wouldn't have to have either of the two dreams. You didn't care how ecstatic Sigmund was for you to record your dreams or thoughts. The chance of having the nightmare of your parents overrode the joy of learning more about the new dream.
"Hello."
"I HOPE YOU DIE!"
78 possible responses. And the time was only decreasing before you would force yourself to speak with another pony. You felt the clouds drifting all night, but you didn't care at the time. But you did now, considering that the cloud had placed you directly over the small town. Luckily for you, the cloud had safely covered your entire body from the pony civilians. But the pegasi would be able to see you. Especially the cyan one, considering that she was searching for you. Whether or not she was still looking for you, you had no idea. And you didn't want to find out.
You stayed on the cloud, hoping not to be noticed. As you peeked over the edge of your makeshift bedding, you could see them: The pony civilians of the town. The ones Sigmund had demanded that you interact with. You pulled your head back out of view, and rested.
"Just a few more hours." you said out loud.
As you looked up, you saw more clouds drifting, at a faster rate than yours. There were many of them, all either surrounding or layered the one cloud you were staring at. But you noticed that some of the clouds began to dissipate. You focused your eyes on the center cloud, and noticed something that seemed out of place. A silhouette.
You tried to identify the shadow, praying that it wasn't a pegasus. As you squinted your eyes harder, the cloud started to dissipate. When the bits of water had disappeared, the cyan pegasus was on the other side.
This cannot be happening. What did I do to deserve this? you asked yourself as you lowered yourself into the cloud.
You couldn't hide yourself in the cloud this time, for it wasn't large enough. And it wouldn't matter anyway. She was destroying all the clouds in the sky. It was only a matter of time before she found you. You tried your best not to move at all, but your darkened coat didn't blend well with the white cloud. You locked your eyes onto her, analyzing her every move. She was kicking the clouds into oblivion, getting closer to yours with every second that passed. How she had not seen you yet was a blessing.
Your heart began to race. She was rather quick in ridding the sky of clouds, and she had just finished clearing clouds on the opposite side of the sky. She seemed to be basking in her accomplishment, as she didn't immediately start clearing the other side. You pressed yourself as hard as you possibly could into the cloud. You couldn't fly away, for she would easily notice you. Also, you were in no condition to out-fly her. She turned around, facing in your general direction, your eyes still locked onto her. You focused onto her eyes, hoping that they wouldn't connect with yours. As she started scanning the sky, you heard a bellowing voice.
"Hey! Dashie!"
It was coming from below you. You quickly looked over the edge of the cloud to attempt to find the origin of the voice.
Please. Please. Oh, Celestia, let her name be 'Dashie.' Please let that be the cyan pegasus' name. you prayed.
When you focused your eyes back onto the cyan pegasus, she had responded.
"Oh, not now Pinkie." she murmured to herself as she took off in the other direction.
"Wait! Dashie!"
When you had lost sight of her, every muscle in your body relaxed, letting yourself sink a bit into the could. Now was a time for you to contemplate.
Dashie. Is that really the cyan pegasus' name? Hmph. A much more fitting name would be 'pest.'
At least now you had a name to connect with the cyan pegasus, The one pegasus that was to be on your mind for who knows how long. Dashie. You had a feeling that knowing her name would only create a much stronger image of her. The look on her face when you had yelled at her was the only image you can clearly remember from her.
By now, the sun was directly overhead. The cyan pegasus had not returned yet, and your cloud had not moved at all. The only thing you've done for the past few hours was stare at all the pony civilians. You saw all types of ponies. Brown ponies. Purple ponies. Young ponies. Old ponies. Colts and fillies. You also saw a baby dragon, which was odd. You equally disliked all of them. You had made it a game to see how many you could remember.
"There goes the purple one again, along with a white one. The red one is back again. There's the brownish-orange one. She's alone now. The white and light-yellow ones aren't with her this time."
You found it strange how you could remember specific ponies by just identifying their color, even with your amnesia. Regardless, the fact that you'd have to fly down there (eventually) was still bothering you. You didn't even know how you would even get yourself onto the ground.
I'm not going to just fly down there. It would create too much attention. So, I'm going to have to fly near the outskirts yet again. Hopefully this time, I can actually land, instead of crash. And then, what? Walk into town and start talking? What am I going to to even talk about? My disturbing past, which I have barely the slightest grasp on? What did I let Sigmund talk me into doing? Damn him.
The sun was still directly overhead. It seemed that when you wished for the day to end, it never did. And when you had wanted the day to never end, it ends abruptly.
I have to do it. Communication may repress the memory of my parents. But what if my past is worse than the memory itself? Or what if it doesn't work at all and I make a complete fool of myself in front of everypony? Bah, why do I care what they think of me? They don't know, so why should I even give a damn about their opinions of me. But that night I had the different dream... I didn't wake up sweating or panting. Confused maybe, but there's always the possibility of the dream becoming clearer if I do go and talk to somepony.
You had done it. You'd convinced yourself to go to the small town and interact with the pony civilians. You slowly arose from the cloud, a few of your muscles still asleep. You extended your wings to allow the blood to circulate through them. They weren't as sore as they were before and you could easily maintain yourself up until the outskirts. Every time that you started to get ready to fly, your mind was screaming at you not to do this. But you had to. Once you felt that your wings were ready, you started to propel off the cloud near the outskirts. The same section of the outskirts, where the cyan pegasus, or "Dashie" had caused you to crash.
When you had landed, you could barely keep yourself up. Your legs were weak, and your heart started up again. You might just give yourself a heart attack if you continue to put yourself in situations like this. You could see the small patch of grass that you dented when you had fallen. And again, you had two options. To your left was the trail that eventually leads to Fluttershy's cottage. And to your right, was the small town. Last time, you had gone left, without the knowledge of Fluttershy's home being there.
I can't risk seeing Fluttershy again. By now, she probably fears me. And whatever 'Dashie' had told her about me couldn't have been good. I'm better off talking to somepony who's never seen me before. you thought to yourself.
You turned right this time. You weren't exactly eager to see anypony, so you walked at an incredibly slow pace. You played every possible response in your head again.
"Hello."
"Freak."
"Hello."
"What's wrong with you?"
And you kept trying to remind yourself how it could benefit your psyche if you did communicate. But you could only think of the negatives. With every second that passed, you were only getting closer to your demise. Nopony was directly in your sights. You were now at a slow-trotting pace, and still nopony was in your sights. How do you even start a conversation? Could you really just go up to anypony and say hello to them? Even for you, someone who's had little social interaction, knew that that would be a bit awkward.
You kept trotting, but you questioning yourself one thing: Why? Your goal was to communicate with the other ponies, but you kept attempting to avoid everpony. You looked around you in all directions, to make sure nopony sneaked up on you. You weren't sure why anypony would, but you did nevertheless. When you turned your head back forward, your heart skipped a beat. Heading directly towards you was a pink pony. Like you did to any pony you focused on, you followed her eye movements. But her eyes weren't moving. They were staring forward, directly at yours. She hadn't said anything yet, and you had stopped moving. She was slowly trotting to you.
You were attempting to prepare yourself to say something. At the very least a "hello." But you couldn't. You had no idea that speaking to another pony would be this hard. The only reason it was simple before was because you were dismissing them. But to start a conversation with another...
As you lost yourself in your thoughts, the pink pony had finally reached you. She was starting at you. Not menacingly, not worryingly, but blankly. She was waiting for you to speak. You forced your mouth to open. You silently took in a breath and started to form the word "Hello."
You couldn't even utter the word you were planning on saying because the pink pony had gasped incredibly loud, almost deafening. It had caused you to flinch but you quickly reconstructed your composure. The pink pony was gone. You turned around, looking everywhere for her. She was nowhere to be found. Two things had baffled you. One: she somehow managed to lose you, which only seemed to be possible by breaking the law's of physics. Two: she had performed on of your possible responses. She gasped at the sight of you.
You started pondering whether or not that would classify as communication.
There. I communicated with another pony. That's enough for today. I'm going to go back up to my cloud and fall asleep. If the dream doesn't become clearer, then I can tell Sigmund that his plan failed.
And what? Return to my sad life?
You extended your wings, ready to take off again back towards the cloud, still contemplating.
Social communication. Why would ponies crave this? What drives them to require some sort of interaction with one another? Was it a need, like food or water? Or did ponies just do it out of impulse? What went through their minds? What cognitive process persuaded them to have to converse with others? And furthermore, why did this orange pony feel the need to shake your hoof vigorously when greeting you?
"Well it sure is nice t’ see sum' new pony-folk 'round these parts! Name's Applejack. What’s yer name, feller?
You hated to shake hooves with others. It created a false sense of comfort. A feeling of security and trust; something you couldn't feel so easily towards another pony.
I can't believe it. This pony is almost as bad as the cyan pegasus, or 'Dashie.' Whatever her name is. My name. What do I tell her? I can't risk her knowing my name. What if she happens to know who I am? What do I tell her? Damn it.
That's when you realized how simple the solution was. Lie.
Of course! How could I have been so oblivious to this? All I have to do is to make sure not to do what the others do when they lie, in case this pony is an expert on catching lies as well.
Having let your thoughts wander, a few seconds had passed with you blankly staring at the orange pony. When you were brought back from your thoughts, you noticed that the orange pony had changed her expression. She was carrying a rather confused look on her face, like the other ponies had when they had seen you.
Damn. Need to think of something. Why is it that thinking of name is so difficult? Sigmund's name? No, not after I've mentioned it to the pegasi. What about one of the other doctors that were at the hospital? Come on, think.
As you searched the remnants of your mind, you mentally placed yourself back into the hospital from last night. Not having slept, your memories weren't completely erased. You remembered Sigmund calling out to somepony, saying that he was going to stay longer. The name he had called.
That's it.
Regardless of the fact that you now had a fake name to use as your alias, the task of telling the pony would be a difficult one. However, you were hoping that after telling her your name, that she would leave you alone. You knew, though, that the chances of that were relatively low.
"My name... is..." you stuttered.
Pronouncing the name wasn't simple, however you were able to spit it out quickly enough.
"Daw-stu-yef-ski? Is that 'fancy' or somethin'? Well, anywho, would ya care to buy some apples... Daw-stu-yef-ski?" she questioned, as she motioned to the apple-stand next to her.
Oh, for the love of Celestia, is everypony this persistent? I am hungry, though. I haven't eaten since 'Dashie' had crashed into me, destroying the remaining apples I had... No. Anymore social interaction and she might start asking more questions. It was already hard enough to remember the name Sigmund had called. And I was lucky that I could remember it. Anything else from here on is going to require genuine thought. As simple as lying may be to these gullible ponies, I can't risk it.
"N-no. I'm not hungry." you lied through your teeth.
The orange pony's expression changed into a bit of a scowl.
"Well, here. Take these anyway. Consider 'em a welcomin' gift from me. You can put em' in that fancy saddlebag of yers," she replied as she passed you three apples.
You hesitated for a second, but assuming that it is a social normality to accept a gift, you cradled the offering with your injured hoof. When you look up to the orange pony, you could notice that she was about to speak again.
"Oh, I didn't notice yer hoof was hurt. Here, let me help ya."
"No!... I... I can handle it." you quickly retorted.
While still cradling the apples, you slowly managed to unhook the saddlebag, and drop the apples in. You looked like a fool doing so, but you knew it would be less painful to continuing to converse.
"Well... I ‘spose I'll see you later tuh'nite. Take care now, ya' hear?" the orange pony said as she titled her head towards you.
You only nodded, and began to walk away.
I suppose that that wasn't as painful as I anticipated. Lying. It felt so strange when she believed me. What I was feeling was... almost the same as when it's peaceful. Maybe I can communicate. Albeit through lies, but at least I'm fulfilling Sigmund's wish for me to communicate. I have to remember my new alias, though. Dostoyevsky. I'll have to thank him later for allowing me to use his name. I'm going to have to keep up this act. If I'm found out to be a liar, I'll only be pursued and questioned even more...
As hungry as you were, you didn't want to show the orange pony that you were lying. The apples would have to wait. As you walked to only Celestia knew where, you attempted to recall everything you remember hearing.
What was her name? I'm sure she mentioned it. 'Appleseed?' That might be it. At least her name fits her persona. I don't see how Dostoyevsky fits me, but it's better than telling anyone my real name... She mentioned something about later 'tonight.' What was it? I should have been more attentive. She may have warned me about something. Whatever it is, it will just be another obstacle to overcome.
The sun was now a little more than halfway in the sky. As you walked through the town, you noticed many of the buildings were residencies that also served as businesses. It seemed that the ponies here all knew one another, only reassuring the thought that if one pony found out about you and your demented past, all of them would. The town was empty for some strange reason. The other day, it had been nearly full of pony civilians, bustling around. But now... now it was deserted. Just as you had wished for. The solitude was refreshing. Any day in which you interacted with another pony was physically and mentally exhausting, let alone the fact that you had stayed awake ever since the incident with Fluttershy and 'Dashie' only just yesterday.
Three days. Three days since I've left the hospital. The years I've spent in the hospital... I have no recollection other than the final year. All of the years I've spent... lead to nothing. And I've made more progress by myself than any of the 'specialists' had in years.
As your mind started to wander, the relaxing idea of solitariness had left, and the depressing thoughts of no chance of recovery, of never realizing your past, of living a meaningless life had started to overpower you. You were barely able to hold back the sobbing and sniffling, but it still angered you that you couldn't hide your pain as well as you could your other emotions. Luckily for you, the ponies weren't around. And that too, had changed from soothing, to eerie. The town, when desolate, had a strange unnatural sense. It felt as if the energy the town once had was being gathered somewhere else. You continued to walk, not knowing exactly where you were going. The demoralizing thoughts had subsided, and as you looked further into the horizon, you could see what looked like the outskirts of the town. But instead, it was what seemed to be a park.
How far does this town extend? I feel like I've only seen a small part of it... And yet, I've been able to encounter the exact opposite of ponies I wanted to see.
As you reached the entrance of the park, you couldn't help but notice that the energy was different that the town's. The air felt slightly warmer and the ambiance was different. It was a feeling you couldn't shake. You hesitated before entering.
Strange. This park is deserted as well. It's not natural. Not like the forest. It was quiet in there; peaceful. Here, there's an omen. Is this what 'Appleseed', or whatever her name is, was warning me about? Maybe I should heed her advice. But what if she was lying to me? And for what purpose would she have for doing that? Then again, why wouldn't she? Most of the ponies, I've met so far aren't exactly the most trustworthy. Hell, one of them even chased me.
Still standing near the entrance of the park, you started to question why you hadn't gone in. What was stopping you? The feeling that something dangerous was going to happen? You weren't about to let a superstition dictate you. You started to wander within the park. The sun, now about ready to sink behind the mountains, was still giving off a small amount of light; enough for you to examine your environment. There were no signs of anypony around... Well, except for what seemed to be ribbons tied around the trees.
That is... Peculiar. It's most likely this town's idea of decorating. Either that or the trees are growing the ribbons from their own will. Although I've never heard of such a tree. But maybe that's something else that the nurses and tutors at the hospital hid from me.
You continued down the dirt trail, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious. However, this task was made difficult, now that the sun had been been lowered by Celestia. The darkness had only made you much more vigilant. You weren't flying because by now you were now becoming drowsy from the fatigue you've been carrying with you all day. You stopped for a second, deciding now would be an ample time to eat at least one of the apples that were offered to you. You took refuge on the side of the trail, layed yourself onto the soft grass, and proceed to open your saddlebag which was now a bit less spacious. You pulled out one of the apples, unharmed, and inspect it.
There's always the chance that she may had done something to these apples...
After assuming that the apple has not been tampered with, you sank your teeth into it. The taste was different from the apples given to you by the receptionist at the hospital. They were much more sweeter and crisp. Its taste was incredibly alluring, and you weren't reluctant to bite into it again. With haste, you finished the apple, leaving nothing but the core. You were about to reach for another apple, but decided to pace yourself.
I can't eat them all now. I need to save them for when my hunger returns.
You threw the apple-core aside, snapped your saddle-bag closed, and picked yourself up from the grass. You continued onto the trail, admiring the scenery.
I will admit, even though there's something odd about this park, the environment is pleasant. I wouldn't mind having to spend time here. The serenity is unmatched by anything I've seen... Then again, the only environments I've seen are the hospital, the forest, and this town.
As you looked further ahead, you could hear the sounds of a stream along with a small bridge to accompany it. Now crossing the bridge, you could see through something casting a shadow by the moonlight. You halted your trot, concentrating your vision onto the object. You couldn't create an image, but from the shadow, it seemed to be a sign of some sort. Slowly, you crept closer to it, trying to form an image.
Something is definitely going to happen. Maybe the orange pony was right. This whole park has been giving off an unnatural feeling. But is this what she could have meant? And I still can't make out the object. Whatever it is, it's level of significance couldn't have been worth my ti-
"SURPRISE!"
Time slowed down. Instantaneously, and simultaneously, a flash of vibrant, colorful lights flooded the area, along with the entire town's population of pony civilians, who seemed to appear from the blue. The sounds of the *pops* of confetti and horns rattled your eardrums. You could now clearly see what the sign had said. "Welcome to Ponyville!" You tried to comprehend everything you were seeing, but it was all too much. The only thing you knew what was happening was that you were nearly having a heart attack. After what seemed like hours later, (when in reality it was a second) you could see the pink pony you had met earlier, donning an impressively large smile on her face. Her expression was unlike yours. You were stupefied. That quickly changed when she had practically slapped on a party hat onto your head. The confusion was quickly replaced with fury.
"Doyoulikeitdoyahuhhuh? I'm Pinkie Pie and I threw this party just for you? I surprised you, didn't I? Did-I-did-I-did-I?"
You didn't hear a word she had said. The only thing you could hear was a high-pitched whine. You clenched your teeth, and flared your nostrils. When your hearing had returned, you could hear the pink pony still rambling.
"And then I realized that I had no idea what your name was! So I started asking around and Applejack had told me your name was Daw-stu-yef-ski! So, welcome, Daw-stu-yef-ski! Remember when I had met you earlier, I was all, "GASP". And I know everypony in Ponyville so when I didn't recognize you, I knew you weren't from around here! And then I started to think about that if you're new, then you must have no friends! That made me sad, so I had to throw you this welcoming party! I did the same for Twilight when she first came into Ponyville, and then she had a lot of friends! And now you have lots and lots of friends!"
"So what do you want to play first?! Do you want to play, Pin the Tail on the Pony? Ooh! Or we could bob for apples first! *gasp* Or do you want to open your presents first?!"
The high-pitched whine that was plaguing your mind had finally subsided once more, but was quickly replaced by a hazy vision. The sheer amount of ponies present at this "party" of yours was far too much for you to bare witness too. Never before had you seen so many ponies in one small area. How they had even managed to stay out of your line of sight was beyond you. However, that was the least of your worries. You started to stagger, having trouble to keep your equanimity.
"Are you all right? You're not looking so good! Maybe you just need some cake! Here, I'll get you some!"
Through your fuzzy vision, you could see the pink pony speed off and come back with a slice of cake rather quickly.
"Here, have some cake! Then we can party!"
You couldn't think straight. You just needed to escape this living nightmare of yours. And the pink pony just kept rambling. You lowered yourself, placing your front hooves on the side of your head, trying to omit the noises from the party. You were beginning to lose consciousness. To be honest, you weren't resisting it too hard. It was only until you realized that the contents within your saddlebag would compromise you. This thought alone re-awakened your willpower to keep your hooves firmly on the ground.
"No...," you slowly began. "No... No... No, no, no. No. No! NO!" you finally shouted, while you tore off the party hat the pink pony had previously placed from your head.
The music had suddenly came to a halt, as if on cue with your outburst. Everypony's eyes focused onto you. Still not fully aware of your actions, you took off into a dead-flight towards the sky, your only escape. Although you were a bit drowsy before, your veins were now coursing with adrenaline; your thoughts rapid and incoherent.
Damn them! Damn them all! Especially the pink one! Damn her!
Flying through the air, you could hear that the music hadn't resumed. You could only guess that they had decided to end it, which you were entirely glad for.
By now, everyone knows my face and my name. Or rather my alias. I finally have an excuse to live in seclusion within the forest. Damn those stupid ponies. Why couldn't they just let me be? Why? It must be something in the damn water that makes all these ponies THIS compulsively obsessive with com-
"Hey! Get back here!"
No. If the cyan pegasus has any shred of dignity, she will not be behind me.
Still flying through the air, you quickly thrust your head to the side to see a cyan pegasus following you.
"You're not getting away this time!" Her shouts piercing the quiet ambiance of the night.
I'm going to kill her.
And you just might. Her appearance had only motivated you to flap your wings harder, but you were at a disadvantage. You still had not slept in what seemed to be days, and the cyan pegasus was closing in on you. You wings were now cramping, become stiffer with every flap; threatening to collapse entirely. You cursed yourself for not having practiced flying more. You once more turned to locate her position, and found that she was now much closer than before. Again, you cursed between breathes. As you looked further ahead, you could see clouds blocking Luna's moon.
The clouds! I can hide in the clouds again!
As you flew higher up, your nostrils began to flare and a burning sensation overwhelmed the inside of your chest. You pushed yourself much harder; attempting to hide yourself in one of the clouds like you did last time. You think to yourself that your implicit memory must have kicked in again to aid you, because you knew you were not the one flying. Again, you took a quick glance to see that she seemed to be a bit further away, and when you rotated your head forward, you passed through the veil of the cloud. Quickly, you extended your wings to slow your flight, eventually reducing your speed to a complete stop. You positioned yourself carefully, attempting to completely dispose of any hint of your location. However, the cyan pegasus did not fall for the same trick twice.
"Not this time!" she roared as you were torn from the cloud. She had embraced you, still flying full speed. It happened quickly, as her mid-air tackle brought you from your seclusion behind the veil. When you were free from the cloud's shelter, she released her grasp upon you, allowing you to fall towards the ground. Already suffering an injury from your left hoof, you refused to receive another. You knew you wouldn't be able to orientate yourself quickly enough to keep flying, so you had positioned yourself to land onto the ground. Extending your hooves and quickly flapping your wings, you ran for a bit when you landed; alleviated that you were able to land with such ease. However, that was quickly ended when you were tackled once more.
The cyan pegasus had you immobilized, her back hooves firmly placed onto your rear legs, her fore-hooves pinning down your own. For somepony of her physique, she was quite strong. You weren't, however, about to admit that she was stronger than you.
"Now you're going to tell me the truth about everything! Let's start with your name! And don't tell me it's, Daw-stu-yef-ski! What kind of pony has that for a name?" she began to question, her face only a few inches away from yours. You felt your wings slightly unfurl beneath you; not being able to reach their full length pinned under your weight.
She's... Warm... Damn primal urges...
"Fine. I won't let you go until you tell me your name." she stated.
Still staring into her rosy eyes, you noticed when her expression shifted. It appeared as if she had lost focus of what she had been doing, giving you ample time to release your bottom-right hoof. As you maneuvered your hoof under her, she never acknowledged your struggle. And in one, fluid motion, you kicked her off; freeing yourself from her clutch. You saw her struggle as she flew through the air for a few seconds, but you quickly picked yourself up. You heard her land behind you, as she gave a grunt as she hit the ground.
"Oh no you don't!" you heard from behind you.
You began to flap your wings again, but you felt a hard tug on your tail. You were grounded once more, and the cyan pegasus had sped in front of you, staring you down.
"Who are you!?" she practically screamed.
Again, you said nothing. You were employing the technique that if you had said nothing, she would eventually leave you alone. Although, that had never worked for you before. She kept her eyes concentrated onto you, this time, not letting her eyes wander.
I have to say something. She will not leave me alone until I do.
You had hoped that the more you communicated, the task of doing so would become easier. That was not the case. Unless of course, you were speaking with Sigmund. You slowly forced your mouth open, and started to curve your tongue.
"...And why should I tell you?"
"I'll ask the questions around here!" she exclaimed, as she steadily flapped her wings, lifting herself from the ground. She was hovering, face to face with you, slowly closing in on you, causing you to back up.
"So, let me try this again. What’s your REAL name? Where are you from? And what are you doing here in Ponyville?!" she pestered once more.
This was by far the worst predicament you've (unwillingly) placed yourself in. The other times you had to speak were nothing compared to now. The cyan pegasus, the bane of your existence, was interrogating you: questioning your origins and motives. None of which you were ready to tell anypony, especially not the cyan pegasus. She'd be the most likely to not understand, you figured. She had her eyes locked onto yours, not daring to break her focus. Her stare was starting to put you on your edge. You slowly lifted your jaw once more to speak.
"Just... Just leave me alone." you spat out.
"Not until I get some answers!" she retorted.
I'll give you your answers right after I tear off your damn wings.
She wasn't going to leave you alone, and you knew this. You couldn't give up so easily on your alias. You had to make her believe that your name is Dostoyevsky. You couldn't risk her finding out.
"My name is... Dostoyevsky." you reassured.
Strange. It wasn't as difficult to speak this time.
"Oh, come on! What kind of pegasus has THAT for a name? Even if that IS your name, then what are you doing here in Ponyville, huh?"
Your tolerance for the pegasus was growing shorter with every passing second. You and her both were becoming very impatient with each other. Both you and ‘Dashie’ could sense the tension building between you. She seemed to have grown tired of flapping, as she let herself gently float towards the ground, retracting her wings, yet still having her eyes concentrated on you.
"You know, at first I was going to tell Pinkie Pie not to throw that party for you. Especially after you were a jerk to me and Fluttershy," she began in a different tone than you've previously heard before.
Pinkie Pie? Most likely the pink pony's name. Good to know, in case I need to avoid her again in the future.
"But then when AJ told me how you weren't a jerk to her, I thought that maybe you were just having a bad day or something."
Something like that.
"And... I guess it was... Sorta my fault that I crashed into you a few days ago, so I'm sorry for blaming you. I was just practicing a new trick and I had almost had it, so that's why I was mad."
She's apologizing. Good. She should have done that a few days ago.
"But, you can't just leave Pinkie's party like that. Especially after all the work she put into it! She spent all day setting everything up, getting everypony to go and hide, even getting Vinyl Scratch to come and play music for the party! I don't care what you do after this, but you need to go back and apologize to everypony for leaving!"
If only she knew.
You couldn't go back to the party that "Pinkie" had thrown for you. The cyan pegasus had been interrogating you for the past few minutes, now she was demanding for you to return to your nightmare? At this rate, you'd rather stay here and keep being questioned by her.
"I never asked for any party, so why should I go back?" you inquired.
There it is again. I spoke with such ease. I didn't have to think about my next words. Is my ability to speak becoming more advanced?
"Didn't you just hear me? No one EVER leaves one of Pinkie's parties like that. If you don't go back, you're going to be one of the most hated ponies of all of Ponyville! You’re almost as bad as Trixie!" she explained.
I've no idea who this ‘Trixie’ was, but whatever her reason for being hated was most likely justifiable considering the nature of these ponies.
Again, something had taken over you, as you were about to speak again.
"I suggest that you leave me be. Before you do something you will regret." you threatened.
"I'm about to do something I'll regret? You're the pegasus that's about to do something he'll regret!" she retorted.
You had grown tired of this game. Your tolerance for the cyan pegasus had worn out.
"Move." you coldly stated.
"Yeah? And who's gonna make me?"
Your brow began to furrow, and the cyan pegasus followed in unison as she clenched her teeth.
She's not going to take her eyes off me. I need to distract her, somehow.
Still staring at each other with clearly violent intentions, you slowly let your eyes focus into the distance, mentally praying to Celestia that she would follow.
Please.
Through your peripheral vision, you could see the eyes of the cyan pegasus. She hesitated for a second, barely moving them. Then, she gave in, turning her head in the opposite direction trying to identify whatever it was you were staring at. Without hesitation, you slammed into her with your shoulder, causing her to stumble and collapse onto the ground. You weren't about to let her catch you again, so you did not fly. Thinking quickly, you decided that your best choice was to head into the forest. But as you turned towards the forest, the cyan pegasus had already tackled you, causing the both of you to spiral for a few moments through the air. Using your wings, you tried to control the direction of the spiral so that you would land on top of her, but it was too much. Your back and the ground connected, and the mare had landed on top of you, her waist connecting with yours. You could feel the heat from her body radiating on towards yours once again.
Not now, damn it!
Your wings extended again, (this time to their full length, as you weren't completely pinned down) and you could feel your face begin to warm.
"What is your problem?!" she yelled, not noticing the near euphoric state you’d entered. You couldn’t believe yourself: were you actually enjoying this, at least in a physical form of manner?
Of all ponies I could have intimate feelings for, it's towards the cyan pegasus!?
You threw your forelegs up in an effort to push her off, but she caught your hooves, trying to wrestle them onto the ground. When she applied pressure to your injured hoof, the pain caused you to flinch. Letting your forelegs fall to the side, the cyan pegasus lost her grip on your hooves, collapsing: inadvertently letting her whole body contact yours, only increasing the warmth being created between the two of you. You let out a short gasp of pleasure, and promptly threw your hooves up once more; this time, successfully throwing her off. The warmth quickly dissipated, only to be replaced by the cold. As if it were déjà vu, you picked yourself up, anticipating that the cyan pegasus would charge at you once more.
Once you gathered yourself and were standing on all four hooves, you quickly dashed to the left. And from the right side of your view, you could see a rainbow-streaked blur pass right by you. She was traveling at too fast of a rate to quickly turn back towards you, which gave you ample time to try to retreat into the forest. However, as you turned you could feel your saddlebag become undone, spilling the contents on the ground. Everything from the apples to your case file was exposed. You could almost feel your blood-pressure drop.
Damn! It must have come undone when she tackled me! I can't risk her finding out! Even if that means having to deal with her presence for a while longer!
You quickly unhooked your saddlebag, knowing that it would be easier to place your items inside it. However, relinquishing the saddlebag exposed the one method in which anypony could easily identify you by; your cutie mark. Something you've despised for your entire life. You were lucky that your saddlebag had hid it in such an inconspicuous manner, but now it was exposed. Worst of all, it had been exposed to the cyan pegasus.
You quickly started to pack everything back in. You had an organized system before, but you weren't going to bother with that now. You threw the apples in, and (fortunately for you) were not crushed this time around. You then tossed your anti-depressants back in, along with the small journal given to you by Sigmund all into one bag. Then, grabbing your case file, (which thankfully had not lost a single paper) you dumped it into the other bag, not caring if it had mixed up the papers within. Finally, you snapped the two bags shut. You felt relieved, but only for a second. You've no idea where the cyan pegasus had went, but you were still aware of her presence. You lowered your head to slip on the saddlebag, but you were thrown onto the ground again.
The cyan pegasus was, yet again, on top of you; once more trying to pin you down. But her touch didn't affect you this time, as your mind was more concerned with the fact that your identity was exposed. Again, the two of you wrestled, but you knew that you needed to stun her somehow, giving you long enough for you to escape. With great speed, you brought your head and collided it with the cyan pegasus’s. Your vision turned white for a second, but you couldn't feel the cyan pegasus anymore. When your vision returned, she was in front of you with a dazed look across her face. You took this short opportunity to dash over to your saddlebag, and you began to slip it on, hoping that the cyan pegasus was still stunned.
"Huh...? Wait, I've seen that Cutie Mark before..."
Your heart sank, and you felt an incredibly large lump grow in your throat.
That's it. I'm done for. My secret exposed...
You could feel the rage within you build up. Everything you've done to keep your past a secret, every precaution you've taken, just to preserve your identity, ruined. And by who else than the cyan pegasus?
The saddlebag had slipped on properly, but you couldn't move. Your muscles froze up, but you could hear her dashing towards you again, not at the same speed albeit. You quickly turned around to see her, and, without thinking, in a fit of rage, lifted your hind legs and bucked her; sending her flying. The second you back-hooves reached the ground, you took off through the air into the forest, flying as fast as you could.
"Hey! Wait!"
Entering the forest, you expertly dodged every obstacle that stood in your way. It was dark, but you were sure that the cyan pegasus would still follow you. You kept flying, not taking in mind your fatigue and pain.
Why!? This isn't fair! I never asked for any of this! Of anypony that could have seen my Cutie Mark, it's her. Her! If I could, I would have this damn thing removed by any means possible. And yet, am I so weak that I feel physically attracted to her?! No, damn it! I'm better than that. I can hardly hold any sort of positive feelings towards Sigmund, so why should she have the pleasure of being the one I'm affectionate towards? And she won't stop at anything to find me now. Where am I going to go? Back to Manehattan? Of course not; there are less places to hide there than here, not to mention as not as many resources. So where to? I know of no other place, and I must stay near to return to Sigmund at the allotted time. So am I to spend the remainder of the week that I have left within this forest? And what about the remainder of my life? No, focus on one issue at a time. This forest... It shall become my home. Well, at least until I can come to terms with my past... which might very well be never! Damn it! Damn that cyan pegasus! If I ever see her again, I'll make sure that she regrets everything she's put me through. Every blistering moment of pain and agony that I've suffered through my life, I will make sure for her to feel the same.
Your wings were about to give in, considering you've been flying through the forest at break-neck speeds for quite some time. You finally landed in the pitch-black darkness of the forest. Tired and exhausted, (both mentally and physically) you let your legs collapse, falling onto the ground. Shutting your eyes, you began to let your thoughts wander once more.
I... I just want to be left alone. Why can't anypony understand that? ….But do I really? These last few days... were enlightening to say the least, despite the pain I've experienced. I've advanced so much further than I ever did at the hospital. I was able to communicate without the amount of agony that is usually accompanied with it. And as much as I hate to admit it, even if I was lying, ...It felt comforting to communicate. It brings me a sense of acceptance. Something I never felt at the hospital... And when the cyan pegasus was holding me down... Her warmth... Her touch was...
"No, no, NO!" you shouted, trying to eradicate any thoughts of the cyan pegasus from your mind. Your left hoof was beginning to bother you, so you tore off the cloth that had been placed on by Fluttershy.
Fluttershy. She seems to be the only one who genuinely wanted to help me. And she may know my past. As much as I want to know about my past, is it worth it? Even if I want to ask her, I don’t have the slightest idea of her location. Not to mention that the cyan pegasus must have told everypony about me by now.
The depressing thoughts began to enter your thoughts; plaguing your mind with the memory of your parents.
I... I just want to forget... I want to forget about my past... My parents... All those years in the hospital.
Your eyes started to become misty. You tried to hold back the tears, but to no avail. Your cheeks became damp and your breath shortened.
Why can't I forget? Why can't I experience joy? Why? Even if I wanted to, they would be forgotten. I can't retain any joyous memories... Damn it, why me? WHY?!
You stopped trying to hold your tears back, letting them flow across your face.
Death. That is my only escape... But I'm too much of a coward to take my own life. Pathetic. The means to escape my nightmare have endless possibilities, yet I refuse to take the opportunity. Am I meant to suffer for the rest of my life?
You stayed in that state of mentality for what seemed to be hours, hoping that nopony would hear your sobs and find you in your current state of vulnerability. Once your tears had subsided, you remembered that it was around the time for you to take your anti-depressants.
Why do I bother? These things cannot suppress my nightmares, nor my memories. They're merely a false sign of hope.
Even though you had just refuted their promised help, you still went through the trouble of unhooking your saddlebag to remove the anti-depressants. Through the darkness, you managed to snap off the cap, and feel for two pills. Bitterly, you swallow the pills, place the cap back on, and return it to your saddlebag; all part of what had become your daily routine. Again, as your daily routine dictated, your constant stress and pain had brought on your drowsiness.
I can't sleep... My memories won't become clear... I'm just going to see them again... Covered in blood... The only ponies who loved me... Who accepted me... Gone...
Unable to resist any longer, you gave in, falling into your slumber.
"Racers, get ready!"
"Okay, come on! Open your wings!"
"Yeah, I got it!"
"In five, four, three, two, one... GO!"
"Let's go!"
"Aww yeah! We took the lead!"
"Let's keep it up!"
"All right, here comes the first part!"
"Just like we practiced, okay?"
"Got it! Let's do it on three!"
"One... Two... Three!"
"Perfect! Everything's going according to plan!"
"So far, so good. Stay focused; here comes the next part!"
As you opened your eyes, you flinched and squinted for a second; the sun bright against your retina. You slowly began to regain consciousness and started to analyze your surroundings, realizing that you were in the forest. With a quick turn of your neck, you cracked the sore bones, letting out a sigh of relief. Although you were encircled by many trees, you could feel the small rays of sunlight shining upon your face. Slowly turning your face away from the light, thoughts began to formulate in your mind.
The dream... It was different again. I feel as if I should be doing something right now... Something Sigmund had told me a few days ago...
You searched for your memories (which were very sparse) for anything relevant to Sigmund. You began to hear Sigmund's voice in your head beginning to speak. "First off, I'm going to give you a notebook, to record your memories. Considering your amnesia, you may forget a few specifics from the dream. Therefore, as soon as you awake from your dream, record every bit of information you can remember."
Right... Record what I can remember...
Still laying on your stomach, you reached towards the saddlebag, pulling out the leather notebook and one of the pens, given to you by Sigmund. Bringing both items back towards you, you opened the small notebook to the first page, unsettling the accumulated dust in the process. As you placed your injured hoof gently onto the first page, you grabbed the pen with your mouth. You were about to start jotting down what you could remember from the dream, but you couldn't recall much.
I could only hear one voice this time. What it had said is beyond me. How am I supposed to record anything down if I can't remember anything!?
In defeat, you quickly scribbled the words "familiar voice" onto the first page, barely legible. You let the pen settle in the binding of the notebook, and promptly slammed the cover in the rage of your forgetfulness. You brought it to your saddlebag and tried to place it in, but wouldn't fit comfortably.
Why is everything out of order? What happened to my organization?
It was then that you remembered your little incident with the cyan pegasus the night prior to now. You turned to the other side of the saddlebag, and dumped the notebook into the other pocket. As hard as you tried to repress the thoughts of the cyan pegasus, your efforts were in vain.
She knows my secret... By now, she's most likely told the whole town.
You released a heavy sigh, as if you were trying to expel your depressing thoughts along with it. With no certainty of your future, you laid there on the ground, pondering what would become of you.
If she has told eveypony, then I'm sure they're all trying to find me, too. And how much does she know about me, if at all? Could she have been lying about knowing me? No. She wouldn't have any reason to.
As you let your thoughts drift within the realms of your mind, it was slowly becoming much darker, catching your attention.
What?! Is it night already? Have I been asleep for that long? Even if I was fatigued... For almost an entire day!?
You slowly try rise, but you still feel tired.
Almost 24 hours of sleep... And I'm still tired?
Now fully standing on your four hooves, you analyze your surroundings, attempting to decide in which direction to travel in.
One way leads back to the town. And the other... I'm not sure. But whatever lies ahead, it's better than going back to town.
You started trotting into the original direction you were facing, assuming that behind you was the small town. It became darker, reassuring you that you had overslept. Still traveling, you tried to recall every detail from the dream.
A voice... Familiar... Why is that all I can remember? We were next to each other, doing something... What was it? And furthermore, who's voice is it? It can't be Sigmund's, I would have easily recognized it. What about the rest of the medical staff? No, impossible, I can't even remember what they had looked like. Could it have been any of the ponies I've met? If that's true, then that proves that one of them knows about my past... if that dream really is a memory from my past, that is. How can I be sure? What if it's just a delusion?
It was now nearly pitch-black, the darkness was beginning to environ you. You tried to adjust to the darkness, but to no avail.
I need to get out of this forest...
Even though you could hardly see anything other than yourself and the trees, you were constantly checking to see if anypony was tracking you. And every time you checked, regardless of whether or not you saw anything, you only became more paranoid. And with every second that you became much more paranoid, you sped up your pace. In a matter of minutes, you were out-right running, despite your feelings of fatigue. Once you were panting, you had noticed that you were running from a non-existent entity.
What am I doing? I'm becoming insane...
When you had stopped your sprint, you took notice of the fact that you had left the forest and a small pond lied in front of you.
Water... When was the last time I had any food, let alone water? Since I've left the hospital, I believe.
You slowly made your way to the pond, examining its contents; questioning whether or not it was safe to drink.
"It's either this, or die from dehydration," you commented out-loud.
As you had done before, you pondered the thought of death, but quickly brushed it aside once again. You lowered your head, lapping up profound amounts of water; trying to quench your immense thirst for the refreshing liquid.
Having to drink like such a simple animal... How humiliating.
Once you finished, you contemplated the idea of entering the small pond in hopes that it would relieve you of your exhaustion.
I suppose there is no harm in bathing, considering that I haven't done so since I left the hospital.
You slowly started to enter the pond, but you quickly halted, realizing that your saddlebag was still attached. The feeling of having to remove your saddlebag evoked the feelings from the previous night, feelings of wrath, desperation, and dreadfulness.
I... I can't do it... Not after what happened...
You began to slowly retreat from the water, but as you did, you questioned yourself as to why you had done so.
"Why can't I? I'm not going to let the cyan pegasus take control of what I do," you reassured yourself.
You turned away from the pond, lowering your head to release the saddlebag. You stopped again, unable to relinquish the saddlebag from your flanks. You quickly lifted your head in defeat, questioning yourself once more. Glancing back at the pond, you see your reflection shimmering in the rippling waves of the water. It seems... different, somehow; almost mocking you and your failure.
"I... Just can't do it. Why can't I?"
Because you're afraid of her.
"No, that's not true."
Then why aren't you taking of your saddlebag?
"Because what if somepony else sees me?"
And what are the odds of that? It's nearly pitch-black outside. Nopony will be able to see you.
"I... I can't take the risk."
You’re lying to yourself. If the cyan pegasus would have never seen you, you would be able to remove your saddlebag. It’s your fear of her that prevents you from doing so.
"I'm not afraid of her, damn it!"
Then what is it about her that she is constantly intruding your mind?!
"I don't know! If I knew, don't you think I would have been able to come to terms with it?"
Just like you've been able to come to terms with everything that has plagued you before, right?
"No..."
Just like your depression?
"Stop..."
Just like all those years you've spent in the hospital?
"I... I..."
Just like the death of your parents?
You collapsed, craning your neck to face away from your projection; ashamed that you were unable to win your own mental battles. Letting your head touch the grass, you placed both your forehooves onto your face. Gritting your teeth and shutting your eyes, you tried everything to refrain from crying. You slowly eased into it, beginning with a small whimper.
I'm never going to be able to cope with them. I'm going to stay like this forever. Years and years of mental torture lie ahead for me. What's the point of even living anymore? I don't serve any purpose to anypony. Nopony would miss me if I were to kill myself right now. I would just be another pony for the town to have to clean up...They would be glad to be rid of me.
What had begun as a whimper, was now a full-blown onslaught of tears and sobs.
Why... Why did they have to leave me... They abandoned me...
With no motivation or purpose, you laid there, near the edge of the pond, sulking. Still unable to suppress your thoughts, Sigmund's plans for you came to mind.
Sigmund... Sigmund wanted me to communicate, hoping that it would help me. But look where it has brought me. It's only given me faith in death.
Your sudden burst of depression was making your trust in Sigmund weaken even more.
And now I have to wait... For Celestia's sake, I can't even remember how many days it's been since I've seen him!
Feeling hopeless, you stayed on the surface of earth and vegetation. You were mentally unable to move, being stricken by the bombardment of self-hatred you'd brought upon yourself.
Is it even worth it anymore? Can remembering my past truly make me forget? It doesn't even make any sense... But still... He was right. Communicating did bring that dream back... No, it was just a coincidence that it occurred again. He had hoped that communication would help make my dream clearer, but it didn't. I can still only remember the familiar voice, and nothing else. And who's voice it belongs to is still unknown. Sigmund was wrong, communication isn't helping me at all.
As your sobs slowly regressed back into the form of whimpers, you attempted once more to recall minute details from the dream.
Just the voice... The voice. It's familiar, but to who? Not Sigmund's. What else don’t I remember? Where was I in the dream? The city. It's where I used to live. What was the name?
In hopes that you could remember another detail from the dream, you quickly dried you tears and reached back towards the saddlebag and reached for your case file, but were surprised to find that many papers were scrambled and out of order. It only took a second to remember your incident with the cyan pegasus.
Damn it, no matter what I do, no matter what I think of, she's still here... haunting me; plaguing my every thought.
Before you could let your thoughts race, your stomach (thankfully) intervened with a loud and voracious growl.
So hungry... Do I still have those apples?
Again, you reached back for the apples, but couldn't find them due to the mess. Unable to handle the unkempt bag anymore, you lifted yourself from the ground. After you removed your saddlebag with ease, the feelings of the previous night had returned. Your heart started to pace, and you felt anger, despair, and fear all at once.
Quickly... I'll just re-organize everything, and be done with it.
You dumped everything out, still being cautious of the pond. Everything spilled out, the papers from your case file, your anti-depressants, and the only source of sustenance you had: apples. Quickly, you organized everything. Starting with the notebook, you placed it sideways, allowing space for the apples next to it. However, you only placed one, as you planned on eating the other. Hastily, you next placed the pens into the same bag. All of that was easy. It would be organizing your case file that would be difficult. As you turned to the case file, you were somewhat relieved to see that most of the papers were still in order, just not in the right direction. You began to re-direct them, but something caught your attention. A small gust of wind pulled a small photo from the documents, pushing it closer into the pond. When you focused on the picture, you saw that it was the photo of your parents.
"No!"
Leaving everything behind, you ran after the photo, entering the pond. The water was ice-cold, but you had to grab the photo at all costs. It was the only proof of former happiness you had; the only memento of your former family that had survived. The photo was slowly getting closer to coming in contact with the water, and you were slowed down because frigid liquid that had risen up to your haunches. As you trudged as hard as you could, you saw the photo almost within grasp. The closer you got, the deeper the water became. The image was now inside your reach, and you managed to grab the tip of the photo with your mouth; thereby saving it from destruction. Having to breathe through your nose, you slowly treaded your way back to the edge of the pond. Since your entire mane and coat was wet, you kept your distance from the files, only getting close enough to drop the photo.
I don't have much of a choice now... At the very least, I could wash myself of the grime I've collected.
You slowly re-entered the pond, letting the water envelope you. You reached the neck-deep portion once more, hesitating for a second before your head went beneath the surface, letting a sense of serenity come to you.
All I have to do, is keep my head under long enough... And all the pain will go away.
Your breath started to run short, you could feel your lungs begging for air.
Just a bit longer... And I'll be at peace...
A few bubbles of air escaped your lips, rushing up past your face and through your dense mane; brushing past your ears as they broke the surface of the water. The corners of your vision began to darken and your environment became hazy around you. Your throat was closing up, still under the surface of the water.
Then, you re-surfaced, gasping for air.
No... Not tonight.
After one of your many common near-suicide attempts, you returned to the side of the pond, still weary of the files. Luckily, the wind had decided not to strike again, leaving your files intact, but you would have to wait before returning to them. You didn't wish for the files to become stained. Even though the water was freezing, it was much colder being out of the water.
Damn. Need to dry off somehow. I can't risk getting anything wet.
Not having any method of being able to dry off, you simply walked over, away from your saddlebag, and shook yourself vigorously trying to dispel any of the water. You had a feeling that your mane, tail, and coat were all in a mess, but you didn't care. You would have to wait a bit before being able to continue sorting your papers. Once again, your stomach growled, reminding you of your entire purpose for re-organizing your saddlebag. You trotted over to the lone apple, and began to eat it, taking pleasure in your victuals settling your stomach. After your improvised meal, you felt much safer re-sorting your papers, now feeling a bit more dry. You returned again, reorganising your papers and placing them into the tattered manila folder. Once you finished, you slowly placed the case file back into your saddlebag, leaving the anti-depressants out.
It's been a day... I think... How many was it? Two a day. At least I can remember that.
You pulled out two capsules, as part of your routine, and placed them into your mouth; swallowing them and trying to shake off the rather unpleasant aftertaste. Using both hooves, you grabbed the three bottles, and placed them into the same folder as your case file. Again, as part of your routine, you started to become drowsy.
Already...? I just finished sleeping for almost an entire day...
Still exhausted, and now drowsy, you feel asleep, despite your previous thoughts.
"M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
The sun was, once again, bright on your eyes, but it wasn't as blissful as before. You were in a cold sweat and panting once more.
No... Not again!
You picked yourself up from off the ground, and start cursing at the dream.
Why? It can't be possible! It's only been a few hours since I had the other dream... Or, at least I think it's only been a few hours. Yes, the sun is rising instead of setting... Unless I overslept for an entire day... No, then I would be much hungrier than I am now. Damn it, why... Why did they return? It can't be that communication is truly suppressing my dream. It's just not possible!
As you looked around, you saw your saddlebag on the ground, reminding you of your exposed Cutie Mark.
How long have I been like this? What if somepony saw!?
Your paranoia was starting to drive you mad, so you quickly placed the saddlebag back onto you, giving you a sense of security.
Where to now? I suppose if I do not want to have that dream again... I need to communicate with somepony... But with who? The entire town must be after me now, thanks to the cyan pegasus... Should I go back to Manehattan? At least they wouldn’t be bombarding me with questions... Will they? Even if I try to fly back, I'm sure the cyan pegasus will fi-
Your thoughts were interrupted with the rustling of a few bushes not too far from you.
Oh, please, for the love of Equestria, give me a damn break!
You quickly flew into one of the tress, concealing yourself from whomever would be there. As the creator of the noise exposed themself, an idea came to your mind.
Communicate with her? I... If I must, I suppose she would be the best pony to do so. Nevertheless, it is still going to be agonizing.
Just go over to her and greet her. That should be enough to repress the dream. But will it really be enough? The amount of interaction I had yesterday wouldn't compare to a measly greeting. I would have to say much more than just a 'hello.' But what if she is looking for me, too? Was she even at the party? Hell, as if I can remember anypony who attended the party. Other than that pink demon...
Focusing your eyes onto her, watching her every move and still being weary to remain hidden, you questioned whether the consequences were severe enough to convince yourself to avoid speaking with her.
What if the dream comes back, regardless of whether or not I interact with her? What if it doesn't help? What about the possibility of her knowing about my past? No, that's not possible. She would have done something before if she had known. Unless she knows the condition that I'm in, and therefore did not mention it to prevent me from becoming infuriated. Perhaps I'm over-analyzing everything. No, I can't be too careful. My disregard for caution in the past has only proven to hurt me, rather than relax me.
Bringing your attention back to the pony in front of you, you see that she didn’t seem to be aware of your presence at all, giving you more time to assess the situation.
I have to communicate with her. It's the only possibility I have of repressing the dream.
That was your greatest flaw; the small amount of hope that lingered within you. The hope that you could overcome your depression. The hope that you could be reintegrated with society... The hope of ever becoming normal. This was the only thing preventing you from ending your life.
How will I approach her? If I'm not careful, she might run off. And what then? I'm not about to go back into the town...
Had you not been so emotionally detached, you might have made a clever remark of how you, the hunted, had now become the hunter. Deciding to take action before she left, you quietly lowered yourself from the tree while she remained preoccupied with whatever it was she was doing.
What if she starts asking questions? Then lie. But it's not that simple. I have to make sure that my lies are coherent, unlike whatever lies the medical staff made. Remember, my name is Dostoyevsky, I came from Cloudsdale? No,Trottingham... right? My profession? Will I even need to go this in-depth? Just how much is she going to ask? Or rather, how much am I going to tell her?
Now with your hooves planted firmly on the ground, your usual pre-conversation anxiety kicked in. Your heart began to increase in pace as countless situations played out in your mind.
What if this is a trap, and they’re just waiting to ambush me before I have a chance to escape? Or what if she's always known of my presence and is only luring me out?
Still playing out every possible situation, you closed the distance between the two of you, still not ready to communicate. However, in your fog of inner-debate, you failed to notice a lone twig. Once the weight of your forehoof rested upon it, it yielded a crisp and loud snap; unsettling the serene silence of the surrounded clearing. You quickly dart your eyes beneath you, realizing your mistake. You slowly raised your field of vision up and focused back onto the pony. She had turned to you as well, your eyes interlocking; waiting for a victor to be decided. However, as you kept your posture, she let herself sink into a submissive form, blatantly exposing her fear for you.
She's afraid of me... Good. That will make this much more easier then I had presumed.
As you slowly approached her, you questioned as to why she hadn't just flown away by now. Looking at her sides, you see that her wings were snapped shut; almost as if an invisible rope had been tied around her body. You had a feeling that she was stricken with fear, to afraid to follow through with what natural instincts should have made her do seconds ago. This was something you haven't experienced in quite some time, with everypony unaware of your true nature. Now, directly in front of her with your habitual blank expression, you could clearly see her, quite literally, trembling with fear. Seeing her in this situation reminded you of how easily medical staff was provoked into submission; how they cowered in fear when you raised your voice, and how easy it was for you to communicate with them, albeit aggressively. As your anxiety withered away, it was replaced by a sense of superiority, boosting your confidence.
Perhaps I have more in common with this pony than I had previously believed. No, she's nothing like me. Remember, keep in mind what you need. Interaction. Only to repress the dream for tonight. Now, just greet her and leave. Simple enough.
"Hello..."
You were going to add her name to the end of your greeting, but you realized you've forgotten it.
I haven't been able to do this in a long time. Communicate with strangers with such ease... This is what I wish to achieve. Communication with strangers, regardless of the situation.
Keeping your dull expression, and hiding your slight content that you had successfully communicated, you could see the yellow pegasus move her lips, as if she was forming words. However, her voice was barely audible.
Maybe I should communicate a bit more, just to be safe. No, what am I doing? I'm becoming to attached to her! But, besides Sigmund, she may be one of the only ponies I can communicate with. She may prove to be of more worth than I previously believed. No, I do not require any more social interaction! But what I am to do for tomorrow? Her presence here was pure luck. The chances of her being here once more, willingly, are practically nonexistent. If I can create a connection with her, then I can come back, at least until I have to meet with Sigmund in... an unknown amount of time. No, this will all go horribly wrong. I might reveal too much of myself to her, or she might tell the others of my location. Is it worth the risk?
Losing yourself in your thoughts, as you usually did, you quickly remembered that a certain yellow pegasus was trembling before you.
Why hasn't she said anything? This will not work if she refuses to communicate with me. What irony. Forcing another pony to communicate with me: a pony who despises interaction. I need to ease her fear, but how? .. And furthermore, why does she fear me? I am glad for it, but why?
You attempted to quickly recall the events that you could remember from the past few days, visualizing them in your mind; a sea of thoughts and remembrances coming to greet you. You remembered how your sudden outburst to the cyan pegasus had shocked the yellow one and the incident with the "party" might not have helped to give yourself a calmer persona. If you were going to build some sort of companionship with the yellow pegasus, you would have to convince her that you were just like any of the other ponies inhabiting this town.
I suppose I should show some sort of empathy to her. That might give her the impression that I'm not intellectualizing every second that I live. What was it that the cyan pegasus demand that I do? Apologize...?
Apologize: The recognition of one's mistake and an expression of guilt. You've never apologized before, or for that matter, never experienced guilt or remorse. You'd seen other patients at the hospital break down into tears; reverting back to a foal and apologizing for their mistakes, begging for forgiveness. Perhaps that would show the yellow pegasus that you weren't completely void of emotion.
I'm not about to start bawling for forgiveness right before her. But, perhaps I do not need to go to that extent. I just need to deceive her into believing that I'm genuinely remorseful for both of the incidents. Lying is one skill I, somewhat, have. Faking emotions, however...
Looking back, you realize that you've never faked any sort of emotion whatsoever, as there was no need to. This would be your first attempt at showing an expression other than rage or sorrow. And it was rather important, as it would determine your relation to the yellow pegasus. Once more, you opened your mouth to speak.
"Listen..."
The yellow pegasus' expression stayed the same, but yet, was more focused. You were about to being apologizing, but you weren't sure how to properly emote the feelings of guilt and remorse. You tried to reference what you could from the hospital, but the only cases of apologies that you could remember all involved some sort of psychological disintegration. But, through the haze of the past years of your miserable existence in the hospital’s care, you remembered one key event.
Despite your anterograde amnesia, you remembered what had happen a few nights ago. Your small feud with the cyan pegasus. You deduced that your mind believed it was significant enough to retain, and this would be the one time you were grateful that you could remember anything having to do with her. Why? Because you remembered her weakly-put apology.
"And... I guess it was... Sorta my fault that I crashed into you a few days ago, so I'm sorry for blaming you. I was just practicing a new trick and I had almost had it, so that's why I was mad." The sentence repeated in your head; her tone and expressions imprinting themselves in your memory.
She stated her mistake... As well as taking responsibility in doing so. She also explained why. Her voice was... Slightly shaky, and her posture was somewhat passive. Perhaps if I can successfully emulate her, then I can finally have this pegasus speak.
You shifted your position, lowered your neck, and opened your mouth once more.
"I... Apologize for my behavior these last few days. I’ve had some things on my mind, and they were troubling to say the least."
Saying those words, even admitting your guilt, despite not being true, was one of the most painful experiences you've ever felt. You could almost feel the muscles in your lip deteriorate from even forming those words. However, it would prove to pay off, as you saw the yellow pegasus raise her head ever so slightly. She still averted her eyes from you, but you could see her begin to form words.
"Oh... Um..."
At least I could hear her this time.
"W-what happened to your bandages?" she quietly asked.
Perfect.
You had forgotten about your injury, but you could still feel the pain around your left hoof.
I took them off.
"They became undone."
"Would you like to me re-bandage it? I mean... If that's what you want..."
No, your usefulness to me has worn out. I do not require you to be around any more for today."
"Yes, I would appreciate that," you blatantly replied.
You hadn't notice that you were speaking without delay. It wasn't your original goal, but it was something you've wished to accomplish for a long time.
"Okay then..."
The yellow pegasus lifted herself from the ground and began to walk back into the forest, presuming that you would follow. Willingly, you began to do so.
What am I doing? What folly have I just placed myself in? I do not need her to bandage my wound, and I've done more than enough interaction than is necessary! And what if this is all part of her plan? To lure me out of my hiding, to expose me to the cyan pegasus. It's clear that she knows her beyond the extent of the relationship that I've created with the yellow pegasus. She wouldn't hesitate for a second to reveal my location to her. But, despite all this... I continue to follow her. No, I'm only doing this as a means to repress my memory... Am I? Maybe there's something more t-
"We're here..."
Her voice pulled you out of her thoughts, making you realize that you've arrived at her cottage. She slowly opened the door, still with the assumption that you would walk in, willingly, as you did.
"Okay... Um, can I see your hoof?" she asked. Funny, it seemed like she struggled to get those words out.
Maybe she and I aren’t so different after all...
She already had the same roll of gauze beside her, waiting for you to come over. You slowly trotted over to her, sat onto the floor, and reached over with your left hoof.
Maybe she is like Sigmund. Maybe I can communicate with her, and not have to reveal anything about my condition. No, that's absurd. I have all I need now. Now, just to leave here...
"There... Done," the pegasus responded sheepishly.
What now? Do I just leave and resume the rest of the day?
The yellow pegasus was still holding onto your hoof, gazing at it. When you slowly tried to retract, both of your eyes met. She then quickly pulled back, averting her gaze; a light red tint seemed to appear on her cheek.
Now is my chance to leave. But... It’s peaceful in here. No, leave! Leave now!
You quickly picked yourself up, and attempted to head towards the door. A strange feeling began to overcome you as the yellow pegasus spoke once more.
“Oh, you’re leaving?”
You simply turned your head to her, only instilling more fear into your timid caretaker.
“Nevermind...”
Damn. I can't just leave now. I have to say something. Perhaps if I show some gratification for her... That means I'm going to have to emote once more. Gratification. This is going to be difficult.
"T-thank you." you muttered. The yellow pegasus sprang up, and began to speak again.
"Oh, it was nothing really..."
After hearing her words, you simply continued to the door, opening it, and walked out without any hesitation. Leaving it open, you quickly heard the yellow pegasus behind you, going towards the door.
"Wait! Um, will I see you again tomorrow?"
Careful. Your answer might come back to haunt you.
"Yes."
With that, you opened your wings and flew towards the sky, leaving behind the yellow pegasus. She didn't attempt to follow you, an admirable aspect that she had. You just continued to fly towards the clouds. You didn’t look back, not even to give her a final glance...
Not even to notice her unfurled wings preventing her from trying...
This... Is peaceful.
Hours had passed since you left the yellow pegasus' cottage. You flew towards the clouds to find refuge. Upon finding the appropriate cloud, you did as you did last time, peer over the edge and watch over the ponies of the town go about their usual chores. You had also decided to make it a habit to record everything within your small notebook, not just dreams. After deciding this, you recorded the yellow pegasus' and all of her habits, along with physique. Some might see your level of detail disturbing, but you found it impressive.
Now, if only I had her name...
Everything that had happened within the last few hours had caused you to experience something you rarely do. Tranquility. Peace of mind. Why? You've finally created a connection with another pony, not as strong as Sigmund, but nonetheless, a connection. And you've also completed your (imaginary) quota for communication, thus relieving the stress of having the memory occur. All of this had helped restore one thing that you’d been lacking most of your life; hope. The yellow pegasus had helped restore your hope.
I made the right choice. I must have. I no longer have to fear having the dream again. At least for tonight. But I could just go back tomorrow and repeat this process until I meet with Sigmund. For once, everything is going the way it should.
By no means were you finally rid of your depression, or for that matter, your countless other psychological afflictions. But at least you had a moment of peace. Luna's night had approached you without notice, but you had no fears. You placed the small notebook that you'd been cradling back into your saddlebag. While reaching back, you pulled out your antidepressants. All part of your routine. You made sure to be careful, as the antidepressants would pass right through the clouds if they were dropped. Your newly-bandaged hoof did not irritate you as much, thus allowing the removal of two pills to be much easier. You swallowed the pills, screwed the cap back on, and placed it back into your saddlebag.
Tired as usual...
You had not done much today to cause yourself fatigue, but you still felt tired. Having nothing to be afraid of, you let sleep overwhelm you.
Cold sweat. Shortness of breath. Unquantifiable amount of guilt, despair and sorrow. All the usual ailments of your night terrors were evident. Rising from your slumber, you swiftly dart your head in all directions to analyze your surroundings, leading yourself to conclude that the cloud had drifted away from the small town. Hanging over the edge, you see that your impromptu home had drifted to what seemed to be an isolated area, surrounded by plains and a handful of trees. Which was good, because you were just about ready to unleash your mixture of emotions.
"No no no no NO!" you shouted, hearing your voice echo across the landscape. "That wasn't supposed to happen! I was not supposed to have the dream again! I communicated! I interacted with the... the yellow pegasus! Yes, I actually remember! So why the fuck did I have the dream again!? Damn it!"
Uncertain of what emotion to express next, you collapsed onto the cloud in despondence.
I communicated. I willingly spoke with another pony. And yet, I relived my nightmare once more... Darkness. Two cold, static figures. Holes in their chests. A trail of crimson liquid. And a helpless little colt, pleading for my... his parents.
Letting out a raspy, shaky breath of air, you cross your forelegs and lay your head onto them, trying to suppress tears and gasps for air. Refusing to ease into the mourning, you shut your eyes and clenched your teeth as hard as you physically could. You could feel your muzzle begin to warm, then quickly become damp, as your tears began to roll down your cheeks. Still trying to fight it, you quickly raised your right hoof to dispose of the tears. However, what began as a small trickle of tears had become a stream. It became unbearable. Unable to resist anymore, you gave in; allowing your sobs to take over your rhythm of your breathing. The sounds of your lament, too, echoed across the land. But you did not care.
Sigmund was wrong. He said that communication would help. He assured me that it would. And it didn't! What am I goingto do now? I don't want to keep living this horrible, miserable excuse for a life. I wish I could just end it. All this constant torture... Reliving that memory, over and over again. Is there even a point anymore? There's no hope for me. There isn't any help for something as mentally deranged as I am.
Letting your pessimistic thoughts flow through your conscious, you couldn't stop yourself from replaying the memory in your mind; only elongating the time you spent in your torment. All you wanted was for the pain to subside. You wanted to thrash and scream like a young foal would do when denied something they wanted. All you wanted... was to die.
I just want, to end it all. But... I'm too much of a coward. Why? Why am I cursed with this? Why don't I have the fortitude to do so? It's not fair!
Wiping your tear-stained muzzle, you peered over the edge of the cloud. Through your blurry vision, you could see that you were rather high up. Your pessimistic thoughts began to become overrun by self-destructive ones.
I'm high enough. The fall would kill me if I land on my neck. I could go fast enough, and my brain would be crushed under my own weight... Instant death and instant relief. Can I actually do it this time? I almost drowned myself last time, but I couldn't do it. I just can't stand it anymore.
Slowly, you lifted yourself onto all four legs, observing the edge once more.
Jump. Jump! Jump and everything will be fine. You can finally be at peace. All of your painful memories, all of your sorrow will be vanquished. There isn't any other way to avoid this torment. All of this will be gone. You won't have to worry about the future, you won't have to worry about your past, you won't have to worry about anypony any longer. No pony wants you, and you don't need any pony. You're just a waste of breath.
Every time you pushed yourself closer to the edge, you retracted. But, suddenly, when attempting to push yourself closer, you slipped and began to fall. You kept your wings shut; you weren't in the air to fly. You began to descend, but as your speed quickly increased, you shut your eyes, not wanting to see just how close the ground was. You were overwhelmed with a sense of tranquility... or something. Although you've recently experienced it, was foreign to you.
Finally. You're finally doing something right. In a few seconds, you'll be able to sleep forever. No more pain or suffering. Just rest...
Without warning, a rush of anxiety attacked you, forcing you to open one of your eyes. The ground, now dangerously close, had terrified you into opening your wings, and gliding mere inches above the ground, causing you to fail your second suicide attempt. After coming to this realization, you contracted your wings in, causing you to tuck and roll onto the ground. When you finally stopped on your stomach, your thoughts began to swarm once more, much more violent this time.
Again. You couldn't do it. Again. Do you enjoy living this life of yours? You can't even accomplish a simple task. It would be contemptuous to tell you to kill yourself, seeing as you couldn't even do that. You pathetic, miserable excuse for a pony. What are you still doing alive? Do you enjoy your amnesia? Do you enjoy enduring all of your agonizing pain?
You were in shock, unable to comprehend much of your surroundings. The same mixture of emotions was rising once more. However, your anger, or rather, your self-loathing, was much more prevalent. Slowly, you began to pound the ground before you, increasing your pace after every hit. After every successful pound, the pain within your left wrist began to increase, as well as within yourself. Tears began to form once more, except you didn't fight them back this time. You let them roll downwards, all while you were still heavily pounding the ground, beginning to create small craters. As seconds passed, you let out what began as a small growl, only leading up into a thundering scream of agony. Again, the pounding had only deepened the pit, and worsened your still-damaged hoof. With tears still running down their path, your scream had finally subsided along your thrashing. You brought your head down, making contact with the ground next to the holes. You were gasping for air; you’d never letting a scream of rage escape you before.
All you could do now was lie helplessly in defeat.
Hopeless. It's all hopeless. Why can't I do anything right? I just wanted all of the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask for? I just can't do it! Why can't I forget? Why can't I just kill myself? I don't have anything to offer to anypony, so what's my purpose? To die, that's what it is. Just to be another job for somepony else to clean up. And, even after all this, I'm just going to end up forgetting all of this tomorrow, and repeating the whole process over again.
Your tears had stopped, but still, you raised your hooves to wipe what residue was left. Your breath had returned to, what you considered, normal, yet your eyes were still bloodshot. The rampant thoughts of suicide and depression had subsided, as they had transformed into questions of a self-assessment.
What now? Do I just spend the rest of my time wasting it? For how much longer? All of these questions. Useless. I can't even remember the simplest of memories. The anti-depressants do not help in the slightest, so why do I even bother taking them? How am I supposed to live-
"Hey! Finally found you!"
The urge to kill yourself was quickly reinvigorated.
No, please. Not now. Not after what just happened. Please, Celestia, don't let this happen. Please. Just make her go away. I can't be held responsible if I end up doing something we’ll both regret.
You weren't facing the pony, but from her voice, you immediately identified her with as the cyan pegasus. Her very presence was enough to surge your, until recently, well-suppressed hostile nature.
"Ever since the party I've been looking all over for you."
The sound of her hooves making contacting with the ground sent chills down your back. You knew that she was approaching you. The thousands of possible responses began to play in your mind, as they usually did.
What if she knows? What if she's planning on taking me back to the town? Over my dead body.
"Now you're going to come with me," she said, placing her hoof on your shoulder. Instinctively, you grabbed her forehoof and thrust her onto the ground, pouncing onto her. You placed your hooves directly on her neck, and began to press, feeling her throat depress underneath the pressure of your hooves. She began to kick and flail her legs around, but to no avail. Gritting your teeth and staring into her eyes, you could see her eyes dart around, looking for some form of salvation, only to see them slow down, and her eyelids conceal them. It wasn't until she spoke again that you were retrieved from your fantasy.
"Hey, you awake?"
What was that? It was the same vision I had when I went to see Sigmund. Am I going to end up a killer? No, that's ridiculous. These visions are only fueled by my hatred, not by impulse.
You rose to your feet, cringing a bit, having applied more weight to your, freshly re-injured hoof. You donned your trademark blank stare, and turned to her. The rainbow maned, cyan-colored, pink-tinted eyes pegasus was before you, without her usual scowl that you had seen her with every time you were in her presence. None of this mattered to you, at the moment. All you could concentrate on was whether or not she truly knows your past.
"Man, I can't believe it's been so long!"
I wish it would have been longer.
"I mean, really, how long has it been?"
Not long enough.
"We should totally catch up!"
The statement you've been dreading ever since she saw your Cutie Mark and remembered you. Her request to remember your past, something you couldn't do, and something you didn't want others to know.
This is it. The end of the line. My dark past is about to be revealed to everyone. My horrid childhood memories, the death of my parents, my incarceration at the hospital, all of it. And all because of this cyan pegasus. I should have killed myself when I had the opportunity.
Her smile that had replaced her scowl slowly formed into a blank stare similar to yours. You figured that she wanted a response, but you couldn't bring yourself to do so. How could you? After being mislead into believing your nightmares could be suppressed by Sigmund, the only pony you ever learned to trust, how could you confide in others?
"You do remember who I am, right," finishing her sentence with your name. Your real name.
She knows my name. My actual name. She knows. She knows my past, my childhood, everything I had kept a secret. How much does she know? Say something! Anything!
"No..."
Anything but that, you idiot.
"What do you mean, "no?" It's me! The one and only," she began, following her sentence with a short acrobatic performance, "Rainbow Dash!"
As much as you hated to admit it, the name, Rainbow Dash, kept recurring in your mind, as if it was attempting to make some sort of connection in the remnants of your repressed memories. Something you were praying would not happen.
No, no, this is all just a misunderstanding. It can't be her. She can't be the one who knows my past. It's not true! She must be lying! She has to be!
Finishing her small display of pride, she landed boastfully, again directing her attention towards you. She was thrown off by your blank stare, indicating that you still had not remembered her, although, it was more denial than forgetfulness.
"Don't you remember?" she began, as she dashed to your side without indication of doing so, slightly startling you. Before you could create distance between the two of you, she wrapped her foreleg around your neck, making contact with you. You tried to pull away, but, as what had happened a few nights ago, her warmth radiated onto you. She kept speaking, using her other foreleg for emphasis, but you were lost in the state of blissfulness. You couldn't help but feel soothed by her. She was rambling on about her accomplishments or something of that nature, for you paid no heed to her words. You let your eyelids fall, and, unwillingly, slowly leaned your head against her neck. She wasn't phased by your sudden motion, as she was still boasting. The warmth dissipated onto you, sending a rush of euphoria within yourself. The feeling was hard for you to interpret, albeit a simple pleasure. The feeling of the moment you were in was comparable to when you first left the hospital, or from when you had first flown.
Still having her foreleg wrapped around your neck, you uttered a subtle moan of pleasure, still deterring your thoughts, allowing yourself to enjoy the moment. Normally, you would have been fighting her to be released, but you oppressed those thoughts. At this point, you were finally able to shut her out, enabling you to reach an elevated level of enjoyment. As she still continued on her autobiography, she tightened her grip on you, bringing the two of you closer, the sides of your waist now touching. Your bodies would have been fully connected if it had not been for your saddlebag. This feeling of ecstasy caused your wings to unfurl, and your muzzle to warm. If you had been fully conscious of your actions, your thoughts would have been rampant with disgust and repugnance. But your subconscious said otherwise. Time seemed to slow down, and your heart began to beat faster. Her foreleg then became undone, and you were brought back into your conscious state, with time returning back to normal, abruptly ending your brief moment of delight.
"Remember?" she questioned in a cavalier manner.
You were at a lost for words, having been brutally separated from your moment of serenity. You tried to open your mouth, but a thousand and one thoughts were racing in your mind. The only words you could manage was a stutter.
"No? Darn it. Well, I gotta go back to Ponyville and do some weather patrol, but we have to meet up again! Maybe I can jog your memory in Cloudsdale. See ya later," ending her statement once more with your name, before flying off into the clouds, leaving you dumbfounded.
That... That was nothing. Just urges. If you truly had intimate feelings for her, you would have acted upon them. And you did... No! That was not me! Why did she act differently? Is it because she believes that we were, "friends" before? Surely I would have remembered her before the incident! Then why can't I? She knows my name, where I came from... This can't be true! I abhor Rainbow Dash, dammit! She can't be the pegasus that will reveal my dark past to me! Somepony else has to know! Somepony other than her! Just admit it, you were enjoying her touch. No, I was not! It was just another urge! I had nothing to do with it, my subconscious took over!
"Maybe I can jog your memory in Cloudsdale. See ya later!" Her last sentence kept playing over and over in your head, like a broken record.
She knows. She knows everything. And she's going to tell everyone. She's going to tell them how I was left to die. How I was taken to a psychiatric hospital because of what I’d seen. How mentally unbalanced I am. How I have visions of them, every night. How I have visions of murdering others. How I've tried to kill myself twice, and how pathetic that is. How I spent my entire life being observed by psychiatrists and nurses alike. How they could never help me cope.
You would have continued listing if your stomach had not intervened, allowing you a momentary intermission from your thoughts. After your incident with Rainbow Dash, you placed yourself on a cloud once more, seeing as that would be the only means that you could hide from other ponies while being aware of their vicinity. Mistakenly reaching for an apple with your left hoof, you wince in pain, and then proceed to do the same, only with your right hoof this time. Successfully pulling out an apple, you waste no time biting into it, impeding your thoughts. You savor the taste, considering that you only had one apple remaining. Regardless, your form of deterrent for you thoughts only lasted for a second or two, as your cognitive processes started up once more, bringing in more thoughts.
What am I going to do? I'm not actually going to meet her again, am I? She may hold the key to revealing my past. But why should she be the bearer of the key? And why did her attitude towards me change? She used to detest me, but a few hours ago... Her touch was pleasurable... That was nothing, dammit!
Admit it, you're becoming emotionally attached to her. You keep denying it, but it's true.
No, it's not. There's nothing to be said. All Rainbow Dash is is an irritating, insistent, arrogant pegasus. She has no admirable aspects! None whatsoever! All she's done is pester me and ask questions! She hasn't changed at all.
By now, the sun was more than halfway overhead, giving the sky a vibrant shade of blue. The cloud you were currently lounging on had drifted closer to the town, however you were still far enough to be hidden. But, at the moment, you'd rather be spotted by any other pony other than Rainbow Dash. Well, perhaps anypony but the pink one.
What is she going to ask me if she finds me? No, not 'if.' When she finds me. What is she going to ask me when she finds me? I can already imagine the barrage of questions.
"So, what's it like to see a dead pony?" "How'd they die?" "What do their eyes look like?" "Do they roll to the back of their head?" "Was there a lot of blood?" "What happened to their bodies?" "Did you cry?" "What did they do to you at the hospital?" "How much can you remember?" "Did they ever find the ponies responsible for it?" "Did you see any crazy ponies?" "Do you still cry?" "Are you taking pills?" "What psychological disorders do you have?" "Are you a psychopath?" "Are you sad all the time?" "Why don't you just lighten up?"
You let out an exasperate sigh, wanting for the day to conclude, and that would not happen for a couple more hours, leaving you plenty of time to think.
What if she is lying? That wouldn't explain how she knows my name. Has she looked at my case file? No, I would have noticed if she even came near me, let alone get her hooves on my case file. I can't even remember how she discovered my name. Figures. No, wait. I do remember. I was... Running away from something. And then she pinned me down. I knocked her off, and... My saddlebag became undone, exposing... My Cutie Mark. She saw it. Ever since I went into the hospital, no pony has seen it other than Sigmund and the medical staff. Was she at the hospital too? No, she's mentally stable. Or, at least seemingly. That only leaves that she knew me before.
Looking at your hooves, you noticed your bandage, now disheveled. Seeing as it served no purpose, you began to unravel it, using your right hoof. As you were doing this, you were reminded of the yellow pegasus, who's name had slipped your mind once more.
Damn it. I told her that she would see me again today... Why should that matter to me? It doesn't matter to me. Talking to her didn't suppress the dream anyways, so she no longer serves any purpose to me. All of this is a useless endeavor. And to make matters worst, Rainbow Dash seemingly knows my past.
Having brought up the issue of your past had reminded you of your case file. You haven't read it in some time, although you weren't sure how long it had been. Hesitantly, you reached for your case file, still being extensively careful not to drop any of the contents. You opened the tan folder and read the same line that was imprinted on the first page.
"Case No.: 51097; Building No.: 7; Examiner: Dr. Riley Sigmund" it stated.
Number five-one-oh-nine-seven. That's all I ever was to them. A number.
You examined every page, trying to gather everything you could from your past. You read over the police report, the psychological examination, the evaluation of your psychopathology, and you did so, callously, which was new. You felt no emotion, but that may have been because of Rainbow Dash's knowledge of your past, and how she'll be the one to reveal it to you. You finally ended with the image of your parents, the one you had saved from falling into the pond. It was then that your emotions began to stir up. Before any sort of empathy could leak from you, you closed the folder, and promptly placed it back into your saddlebag, still careful as to not drop anything. As you looked towards the sky, you noticed that the shade of blue had transformed into a range of orange and purple hues, giving the sky a celestial glow.
How does time seem to go by incredibly fast when I'm not aware? At least the day is almost over. That only means that I'm getting near the point where I start to fall asleep.
Just then, you heard the flapping of a pair of wings. A familiar sound that sent chills down your spine. You knew who was approaching you, the only pony who ever has approached you. You didn't want to turn around to face her, but you refused to let her catch you off guard any longer. You sighed and turn around, only to be greeted by a subtle smile from Rainbow Dash, who was flying towards you. A rush of anxiety began to build up within you, turning your stomach. Although, that wasn't unusual. You did your best to keep your face glazed.
She began to greet you. "Hey," finishing with your name, reminding you how she knows who you were and what really happened to you. She landed on the cloud parallel to you, which was rather close to your own.
Although not close enough to stimulate your senses.
"You're pretty hard to find, ya know?
Not hard enough, evidently.
"So..."
Here we go. The questions. The countless questions, forcing me to remember my horrible past.
"Still don't remember me? Rainbow Dash? Your best friend from Cloudsdale Junior Flight School?"
This question again? Why does she insist on me remembering her? She should know that I don't remember her. She knows everything about me, after all.
Her smile began to transform into a scowl, finally losing her patience with you.
"Oh, come on," she began, changing her posture into a more assertive position. "We were the best fliers in our class! How can you not remember?" changing her facial expression once more, into a morose one.
Why does she keep pestering? She already knows that I can't remember! Why does she keep acting like she doesn't know!
She let out a disheartened grunt and threw her forelegs up in defeat, most likely from having read your blank expression, giving her the impression that you haven't had the enlightenment she was expecting you to have.
"Fine, here, I got an idea. Get up for a second," motioning as she spoke.
Is the 'idea' for you to leave me alone?
She rose from the cloud, hovering above it. You imitated her, hovering above the cloud as well, doubtful as why you followed her orders so willingly. She then promptly bucked both of the clouds, causing them to disperse.
"Well, that's the last cloud I had to clear up for Ponyville tonight.. Anyways, follow me."
She began to fly off into the distance, and you followed without skipping a beat, again questioning as to why you did.
Why am I following her? That was my chance. I could have escaped. I could have evaded her inevitable questions, her pestering, everything. I wouldn't have to stand for the awkwardness between us any more. So why am I still following her?
Admit it, you enjoy her company.
No, that's not true! I don't enjoy anypony's presence. If anything, I'd rather be stuck with the yellow pegasus than Rainbow Dash.
So, you do admit to enjoying the yellow pegasus's company.
No I don't! She's just more bearable than other every other pony.
That's how it started with Sigmund.
No, Sigmund tried to help me.
So did she. Both of them, in fact. You rejected Rainbow Dash's help the first time, but you didn't when the yellow pegasus offered to help.
That was different. She wasn't responsible for my injury. She didn't offer me help because she felt responsible. That was the only reason I accepted her help. That, and I needed to bandage my injury.
Stop lying to yourself, you know the reason as to why you accepted her help, on two separate occasions. Obviously, there's an underlying reason as to why you accepted help, and also as to why you're currently following Rainbow Dash. You may not find Rainbow Dash as appealing, but there's certainly something about her that attracts you, seeing as she possess nothing that is alluring. At least your excuse for the yellow pegasus was that you were injured, and needed assistance. You're following Rainbow Dash, the pony who knows your dark, twisted past, who's going to bombard you with infinite, unjustified, inappropriate questions, and for no reason. And you believe that you're more attracted the yellow pegasus?
I never used the word attracted. The yellow pegasus is not any better, she's just not as irritating as the other ponies of this town, simple as that. She doesn't question me, or what I do. That is what makes her admirable. Admirable? No, that's not what I meant. I can't think of the word. Engaging? No, of course not.
Whatever the word may be, the reason you do not wish to apply it to the yellow pegasus, is because that word fits Rainbow Dash. Admit it, already. You're in denial. You enjoy her company.
If I did, why would I be having a mental argument with myself?
Because you're in denial.
You were about ready to scream about how you weren't in denial, however, the pegasus interceded before you could.
"We're here."
Her voice pulled you out of your thoughts, bringing your attention as to why you were flying in the first place. Before you stood a colossal den, which you could only presume to be the home of the pegasus to your side. It was isolated from the town, over empty plains. The foundation of the building was a cloud, and the palace was two stories high. The yellow pegasus's home was two stories as well, but not on a scale as massive as Rainbow Dash's home. You took a second to ponder how this building could be supported by a simple cloud. Although, you never did understand how pegasus ponies could walk on clouds and others couldn't.
What are we doing here? Does she have everypony in there, waiting for my confession? Or does she have a some sort of memento from every event from my past?
She landed on the cloud and proceeded to the door, waiting for you to land. This would be the second time you entered another pony's building. You only had two ideas of what the inside of buildings were like; one being Fluttershy's home, and the other being the hospital, with beds chained to the wall and bars on the windows. She opened the door, and pompously declared, "Welcome to my home!"
She held the door open, waiting for you to enter. You landed on the cloud and cautiously approached the doorway. You took the last step into the building, and observed your new surroundings. The interior was almost as surprising as it was when you had entered the yellow peagsus's home. Everything had some form of cloud constructed with it, whether it was the furniture or the actual design of the house. However, you only took a second to admire the structure, as Rainbow Dash slammed the door behind you, and trotted to you.
"Hmm, lemme see if I can find some photos of us from back then from Cloudsdale. I was just going through them the other day. They should be in a box over in that small cabinet," gesturing to a piece of furniture, about a few feet away from your current position.
A photo? The only photo I had of myself from before was the one with my parents. And she has a photo of me? No, it's not possible. I would have the photo... Or at least a copy of it, wouldn't I?
Rainbow Dash walked over to a small cabinet, pulled out a box, tossed it onto the floor and began to pull photos out, one by one. She placed herself on the floor, and examined each photo for half-a-second, before deciding whether or not it was the correct one. For every incorrect photo, she tossed it aside, accompanied it with a, "no" for each one. She continued to pull photos out, while you simply stood there, hoping she wouldn't find the supposed photograph, but you knew it was imminent until she found the right one.
"Well, just don't stand there! Help me out."
Reluctantly, you walked over and sat across from her, watching as she organized photos. You picked up one a single photo, and glanced at it. It was a picture of what you deduced to be Rainbow Dash as a filly. You kept the photo in your hoof, and redirected your attention back to her. You began to contrast between the picture and her, noticing how much she had changed in physique. You then placed the photo aside, and began to pay close attention to her facial expression, praying that it wouldn't change to a smile. All you did was blatantly stare as she sorted, that is, until she broke the silence between you.
"So, where'd you go after you moved?" she asked, still arranging photos.
Moved? What does she mean by that? I suppose I should ask. I'm hoping I don't regret this. One wrong reply, and her barrage of questions will begin.
"M-moved?" you warily questioned.
"Yeah, well, you may not remember me, but I know you have to remember living in Cloudsdale. And then, one day, you just left," ending her sentence with a hint of sadness.
I didn't just leave...
"Without even saying a word." This time, with a hint of contempt, and stopping for a second from searching through the photos, connecting her rosy eyes with yours. She broke the connection by asking once more.
"But, yeah. Where did you move to?"
She... Doesn't know. She doesn't know what happened to me. She doesn't know at all! She doesn't know anything about the death of my parents, about my life at the hospital, or my psychological disorders. All she knows is everything before that. The part of my past I've been yearning to learn.
After your new-found information, a new emotion rippled within you, something you could only interpret as ...Joy.
I might finally be able to find out my past and just my past. I won't have to answer insipid questions, and I'll finally be able to find out.
"What are you grinning about?"
She brought you out of your thoughts, making you realize that you did have a form of a smile on your face.
A grin? I wouldn't be caught dead with a smile. Although, I suppose that would be normal for somepony discovering a fantastic secret.
"Well?" she questioned once more, focusing on you once more, leaving you even less time to find a lie. You answered with the first town that came to your mind.
"Uh, T-Trottingham. I moved to Trottingham."
I need to ease her into explaining my past, bit by bit. But I can't be too obvious about it.
"That's really far from Cloudsdale. Why'd you move?" she asked, trying to solicit more information from you.
In annoyance, she let out a nearly silent, yet still audible growl, and dumped the entire contents of the box onto the floor, sorting much faster this time. Pictures lay everywhere in a cluttered mess. This wouldn't be the manner in which you would search for such a photo, but you paid no heed.
"Come on, it's gotta be around here somewhere," she complained, having seem to have forgotten the question she had previously asked.
You stayed quiet, plotting how you would go about asking her to reveal your past, while still being inconspicuous. You involuntarily picked up a photo every couple of seconds, to make it seem that you were actually helping.
Maybe I should just lie and say I do remember her. She wouldn't doubt me. Alright, simple enough. Just agree with everything she says after I tell her that I remember-
Your thoughts were interrupted, which was becoming prevalent, by a sound of disgust from Rainbow Dash. You dropped whatever photo was in your hoof, and fixated your view onto her. She placed her hoof on her nose, and directed her attention onto you, surprising you.
"Listen, I'm not the kind of pony to complain about this, and no offense, but... You kinda stink. When was the last time you showered?"
She's sitting across from her supposed best friend from years ago, whom she hasn't seen for years, and she's bothered by my hygienic habits?
She picked herself up, and began to speak. "Look, why don't you shower and I'll keep looking for the photo," she said while walking off into the remainder of the building.
Bathe? She wants me to bathe right now? At a time like this? This is absolutely absurd! I don't need to wash myself! What I need is to find out what happened to me before my parents' death!
"Hey, are you coming or what," you heard from across the short hall.
You sighed in defeat, quickly picked yourself up, and followed the sound of her voice.
I might as well play along. I'm close to finding out my past, no sense in ruining my chances.
Following her, you found her before another doorway, which you guessed led to a bathroom. The last time you had showered was the day before you left the hospital, so you had some idea of how her bathroom would look like.
"I know this is kinda weird, but you do smell pretty bad," she said, giggling. "I got a towel in there and everything. Just shower, and I'll keep looking for the photo." she said before walking off. You figured that a shower wouldn't hurt, allowing you to fully refresh yourself and even give you a bit more time to plan out your future conversation with the pegasus. As she left the room to go back to organize the photos, you slipped your saddlebag off and entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind you.
The quicker you shower, the quicker you can find out about your past.
You had showered before, so nothing was new. Except, of course, for the fact that you had never shared a shower before. At the hospital, you had the privilege of having your own shower separate from the rest, so the idea of sharing a shower was a bit unnerving. You entered the shower, closed the curtain, and turned the knob, releasing a flow of warm water. Around you you saw a bar of soap and a bottle of shampoo; the brand for which you couldn't care less for.
How am I going to do this? ‘I just remembered you from my past. Would you mind explaining everything that happened to me in vivid detail?' No, that's ridiculous. 'I think I'm starting to remember you.' No, that won't work. Damn it, this may be a bit more difficult than I had presumed.
You grabbed the soap and began to lather it around your body, removing the apparent stench that Rainbow Dash had claimed had been present. The soap had the same scent that she had, the same scent you could still vividly smell from just a few hours ago.
Even if we were 'friends', why does she want to establish a relationship between us? Were we really such great friends? If we truly were, the memory would have stayed with me. It should have. I wouldn't be able to forget the rainbow-colored mane or those dark pink eyes. She would have left an impact on me. Maybe she's lying. No, she knows my name, and only a few ponies actually know my real name. She knows something, perhaps more than any other pony out there. And if she knows anything, it's a start. The amount of pain and stress I've been battling for years may finally be relieved. I'll be able to finally find out what the dream means, and maybe even sleep peacefully for a night.
All of this was restoring hope that you had lost for the past few days: hope that had been stripped from you. It was all being restored. You proceeded to apply the shampoo to your mane, finally losing all the grease that had accumulated from the past week and giving you a feeling of refreshment, another alien experience. As the water began to become even warmer, you closed your eyes, immersing yourself within the heat. Your thoughts began to wander unrestricted; drifting away from your original intent on how you were to spend your time in the shower.
You could feel Rainbow Dash nuzzling your neck, causing your two manes to intertwine. You could feel her wings extend, in tandem with your own. She turned to you, breaking the connection of fur against fur. But then slowly leaned closer to you; her face rapidly approaching yours. Her eyes were half-lidded, and a faint blush was visible across her muzzle. You began to lean in closer as well, your lips trembling with the anticipating of the connection...
...And your lips made contact with the shower’s wall, ending your short-lived fantasy. You quickly pulled back, maintaining your apathetic demeanor.
No, that wasn't anything! I just let my thoughts wander too far from the norm!
You quickly washed all the soap off and remembered how crucial time was.
Alright, enough with this shower. I've wasted too much time as it is. Time to find out my past, and this time, with no repercussions.
You grabbed the towel, quickly dried yourself, and swung the door open. As you peered out from the bathroom, steam began to disperse from the doorway to the rest of her home. You spotted Rainbow Dash leaning on a counter; seemingly occupied with reading something. You were about to approach her when you spotted something next to her hind-legs, but you paid no attention to it. She turned to you, her face rampant with a mixture of fear and disgust, throwing you off-guard: enough so to change your facial expression into a puzzled look.
What? Was it something I did?
And to some extent, it was. It became clear as to why she had that expression. Because of what she was reading.
Throughout your entire life, you've experienced a limited range of emotions. Only a few times have you experienced such rare emotions that were alien to you, such as joy and pleasure: every occasion of such being short-lived. Fear, however, was not one of them. All your previous forms of fear were merely anxiety attacks. It was the unknown possibility of a threat that sent you into your state of survival. The unknown possibility of having the same nightmare every night would make you anxious. The unknown possibility that somepony may have known your past caused you to become antisocial. Even your supposed phobias were merely a delusion of anxiety. It was never fear that separated you from every other pony.
How have you come to the conclusion that you've truly never experienced fear? What has separated every other moment, in which your heart raced to absurd levels and your every thought became your next move, from this moment?
Rainbow Dash, reading your case file.
You were paralyzed with fear, unable to move in the slightest. Your eyes were still locked onto her face, and she seemed to be frozen was well. You could clearly see that she was attempting to speak. However, she could not bring herself to do so, leaving her mouth agape. And you understood why. Her supposed greatest friend from her childhood was a monster. A mentally-destroyed, memory-fragmented pony, with a dark, unknown past; with no future.
Your mind was blank; not even being able to bring a simple thought into your mind, being lost in a trance. The only thing you could sense was the constant ice-cold feeling running down your spine, despite having just taken a warm shower. You could feel the smallest of hairs from your coat protrude outwards, as your blood was quickly pumped throughout your body, quickening your breath. The same conditions from your previous situations were all present, only amplified. This had easily become your living nightmare.
You suddenly gained control of your consciousness when Rainbow Dash let herself back onto the floor, leaving your case file on top of the counter she previously leaned on. Her facial expression had changed into one riddled with sadness and confusion.
"I-is that why you lied about yourself?" she asked, her voice almost as humble as the yellow pegasus' voice. If it weren't for the crippling fear within you, your anger would have taken over and you would have been more than willing to share your thoughts to Rainbow Dash, about how she invaded your privacy, and how you should kill her for that. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
I need to get out! The door! No, I can't run past her! I'd never make it! She would stop me before I even reached the handle.
She slowly began to approach you, shortening the distance between you, and began to speak again.
"Is that why you always ran away?"
Her second question quickly retrieved memories from the hospital; memories that were previously locked away. Your years of torture and stress were becoming conscious once again.
The questions. The fucking questions! I can't stand it! I have to leave, now!
You frantically looked around, trying to find any other means of escape, finally resting your eyes upon a slightly ajar window, sitting right behind you. Only a sliver of the window was visibly open, and you weren't sure if it would give way if you were to attempt to fly through it, however, you didn't have much of a choice. It was either stay here, and be questioned by the enlightened Rainbow Dash, or flee like a coward.
I can make it! I'll jump through the window, and fly as fast as I physically can, into the night and escape. She'll try to follow me, I've no doubt of that. She'll eventually find me too, I know she will. But I just can't stand being in here for another minute!
"Is that w-why you said you didn't remember me?"
You've had enough. Her questions were pushing you back into your memories of the hospital; of all the questions they asked, years and years of torturous surveys. Rainbow Dash was right in front of you, pleading for an answer to her questions. You slowly retreated backwards, inching yourself closer to the window, feeling the breeze that entered the room. A breeze you associated with freedom. Your tail abruptly hit the wall, indicating you that you had nowhere else to run. You had to make a decision now: try to escape or stay.
If I fail, I'm only going to irritate her, and that won't do anything to help me. But if I do escape... I'm not sure what will happen, but I can guarantee whatever lies ahead will be easier to cope with than this.
After finally coming to a decision, you wasted no time in performing your escape. As swiftly as you could, you spun on your hooves, now facing the window, and leaped forelegs first. Your hooves came in contact with the window pane, you felt them push forward with ease signaling that the window gave way, allowing your escape. It was night outside and nearly pitch-black; the only light came from Luna's moon which was partially obstructed by wandering clouds. The second you began to enter free-fall, you opened your wings, spun yourself into the appropriate position, and flew directly under the cloud supporting Rainbow Dash's home. And you flew as fast as you could, physically pushing yourself to your limit, hoping that Rainbow Dash was not in pursuit after you. Eventually, after exhausting yourself, you drastically slowed your pace of flying and listened. Everything was silent except for the panting of your breath and the flapping of your wings. And that was what you had hoped for. You didn't hear the shouts or screams and, especially, the questions from any other pony. However, you weren't out of the storm quite yet. Still well above the ground, you noticed that the night had been particularly cloudy, and you decided that hiding on the ground would prove to be more beneficial, as the clouds would hopefully shield you from anypony searching for you. Looking back, you realized that you could have just dove through the floor, considering that the building was composed of clouds. But, you weren't in the mindset to have done so.
Not wasting any precious time, you quickly dove through the clouds, leaving a gaping hole in their arrangement. As you came closer to the ground, you saw the grassy hills, leaving you to conclude that the town was far away just as you had wanted. Now hovering, you lowered yourself to the ground, taking note of your surroundings. The area felt familiar, but you couldn't be sure. You could thank your amnesia for that. Eventually, you came across one of the lone trees on the hill, and rested beneath it; half-settling and half-hiding. You were both physically and mentally exhausted, both from the flight and from Rainbow Dash. However, your exhaustion had become routine by now. As you laid on the soft grass, you crossed your forelegs and slightly winced, having forgotten about your injured hoof. In retrospect, the bandages had helped to serve as a reminder, making you slightly regret having removed them. You uncrossed your hooves and simply laid them out before you. You began to gather your thoughts, not having had time since you escaped Rainbow Dash's home.
She knows for sure now. There's no denying that. The look on her face, pure terror and repugnance. And her questions. The questions...
Since you left the hospital, you had never been interrogated about your past or your condition. You had been asked questions, but they pertained to their respective situation. However, Rainbow Dash's questions had not.
"Is that why you lied about yourself?"
"Is that why you always run away?"
"Is that why you said you didn't remember me?"
Her questions were enough to cause you to relapse in one of your few, retained memories: when you had first met Sigmund.
I was still at my home... And there was a crowd of ponies gathering around... Investigators, police, and a groups of others as well...
You closed your eyes, immersing yourself in the memory; bringing yourself back into it. You were lying in a pool of blood for Celestia knows how long, the smell of the fluid burning in your nose. The blood had dried onto your coat causing it to clot, and you were constantly crying out for your parents.
"M-mommy, please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
Your stream of tears had caused your muzzle to dampen, and your sobs forced you to breathe in more of the pungent odor, almost being able to taste it. The wind flowed through the room, and the broken door creaked with every push of the wind. And it went on for hours. Your sobs, the smell, the creak, and the wind flowing were all imprinted in the memory, and they would never leave. Eventually, you heard the slow-paced noise of someone's hoof making contact with the floor, but it didn't distract you. You simply kept crying, because that's all you could do. You were old enough to know what death was, but still too young to be able to cope with it. Your eyes had eventually became incredibly bloodshot, the color nearly the same hue as the blood. You could hear somepony behind you scream. A, previously, familiar voice.
"Oh dear Celestia!"
The noise made by the contact of their hoof and the floor was now much more rapid, but quickly became distant. You didn't budge, however. What seemed like hours later, which in reality was only a couple of minutes, you heard more voices from beyond the door: different voices.
"Alright, stay here. We'll go take a look."
The patter of hoofs coming in contact the ground were present again and much more frequent, suggesting that there was more than one pony in the room. You couldn't be sure, because you shut your eyes closed as hard as you could. The sounds were much closer, and again, you heard one of them speak. Everything from there on was a blur, up until you were transferred to the psychiatric hospital. You were sitting in a room, adjacent to the one the ponies were speaking in. You had finally cleaned the blood, and your eyes returned normal.
"Does he have any physical injuries?"
"Not as far as we can tell. I don't think he was there when they were stabbed. At least one of them didn't suffer too much. The other was beaten."
"I can't imagine what the poor colt's had to go through. He won't talk to any of our medical staff or the investigators from the crime scene."
"Well, what do you expect? Wouldn't you be acting the same if you were in his position?"
"Hell, I don't know. I'm no psychologist."
"Speaking of which, shouldn't he be here by now?"
"Should be. Not sure what could be taking him so long."
You heard a door open in the other room that the two ponies were talking in, and Sigmund's voice was heard.
"Hello, gentlecolts. I understand that there is a foal that needs psychological care?" Sigmund questioned.
"Well, yes, we believe so. He won't speak, eat, or interact with any of us."
"Well, I do not wish to jump to any conclusions, but we might just be dealing with another mood disorder, depression most likely." Sigmund reassured the other two ponies.
"That's up to you to find out. We'll leave it to you, doctor."
"Is it alright if I speak with him?"
"Go right ahead."
Hoof-steps could be heard coming closer to you, as you were still in the adjacent room. The white door slowly creaked open, and it was then that you met Sigmund.
I was too young to understand what he wanted. I can't remember what questions he asked, but I know he asked a lot. He asked about what had happened to me, why I was crying, why I wasn't eating. I had no idea what the matter with me was, or that there was something wrong. All I wanted was my parents back. I was only a foal for Celestia's sake! I didn't want to see anypony else. And it didn't help that I grew up knowing that there was something wrong with me, and that years of treatment hadn't cured me. Sigmund's reputation of never failing to help a patient had given me hope, but near the end, I just gave up. I'm destined to feel bitter, unwanted, hated, sad, and empty for the rest of my life. I can't eat, sleep, or even enjoy my peace or serenity anymore because Rainbow Dash knows about my past and she's looking for me right now!
The realization of your situation had become an increasingly heavy burden to carry. All of your coping mechanisms were failing. You couldn't block out the memory of your parents,and what you can remember from the hospital was flooding back as well. Every thought that supported the idea of your eternal depression was being replayed over and over, reinforcing it. The stress of all this was becoming to much to cope with. You were becoming physically and mentally exhausted, and yet you couldn't fall asleep. At least the sleep would allow a short time of respite from your reality. As you tried to assess the seriousness of your situation, you began to breathe much more heavily; trying to prevent the tears welling up in your eyes from streaming down your face. For the most part you had been successful. Again, you were reminded of your anti-depressants, as they had become incorporated of your nightly routine. You reached back for your saddlebag and felt your entire body freeze up when you felt nothing. You swiftly craned your neck to meet your exposed Cutie Mark, sparking feelings of paranoia and fear. It wasn't the fact that your Cutie Mark was not hidden. Rather, the loss of your saddlebag, your contents. You instantaneously sat up, and began to pace.
No. No! Where is it? Was it taken? No, I would have known if it was taken away. I would have seen it! What happened to it? Where did it go?!
You slowly attempted to retrace your steps, your amnesia impairing your abilities to do so. All you can remember was Rainbow Dash latching on to you, flying towards her home, the shower...
And she read my case file... She has everything. My notebook, my case file, my anti-depressants... Everything she needs to prove how mentally sick I am...
The gravity of the dilemma had finally settled in. All of the defenses you had built up, every precaution you had ever taken, had been utterly destroyed by the cyan pegasus.
"I can't do this. I can't go on. As if it wasn't bad enough for me to begin with, now Rainbow Dash knows..."
What if she just wants to help?
"She wouldn't have started out by asking me questions! She would have accepted me, and not treated me like a monster."
Maybe you just can't accept anypony's help.
"Don't you think I want help? But how can I trust anypony else? All of my life, ponies have tried to help, only to have them betray me. All of the medical staff hadn't helped. They were just doing it for the bits or the reputation. Even at this point, I'm starting to doubt Sigmund's trust: the only pony who I ever learned to trust, and that was after years of interaction with him. How can I begin to trust a rainbow-maned pegasus that I've only known for a few days, especially after all she's done?"
Even though you refuse to admit it, there's something about her that draws you to her. Ever since you felt her touch that one night, you've longed for more. And she knows your past, before their death. She holds all the answers you want, and she's willing to do more than help. Isn't that what you've always wanted?
"...I don't know. I just can't believe it. She'll eventually hurt me too. And I can't go through that again."
You're making a mistake.
"The mistakes I’d made was coming to this horrid town, meeting Rainbow Dash, and leaving my case file with her."
So what happens now? You try to commit suicide, fail, and pity yourself?
"I don't know. She has my case file. I can't just go back and take it. Besides, it wouldn't make any difference. She knows everything by now. I could always just leave..."
Running away. The idea had never come to you before, because it was never an option. Running away would imply you had something to run away from, and that was never true, until now that is.
But nopony would notice or care.
"All the more reason that it's the easier choice to make. I could leave to someplace far away. Any other city or town. Not to Manehattan. Any other place."
And what would make any other place different from here?
"The ponies wouldn't recognize me. They'd be too ignorant to take a glance at me."
And you're sure of that? You didn't believe anypony could know you, and Rainbow Dash did.
"That's why I'm going far away... But, Sigmund. I'm supposed to meet with him every week. What would happen if I just left?"
He's the only pony you've ever trusted. You can't just leave. And what if you ever did want to speak with him again? If you left, you would lose the only pony you’d ever gave a damn about.
“Sigmund never helped. What would it matter if you left him behind?”
Because he's the only pony who's ever shown any sort of empathy towards you! You can't leave that behind!
It took a moment for you to realize that you were arguing with yourself; something you wish you could stop, but it was one of the few ways you could ever come to a consensus. And the quiet night sky was suddenly disrupted by the voice of a familiar pegasus calling for your name.
No, it's too soon! She couldn't have found me so quickly! Please, Celestia, just send her away!
You looked up, searching for her, spotting her outline in the sky. She flying directly below the clouds, scouring the landscape for you. Your heart stopped beating the same time she stopped mid-flight. The contour of her outline shifted in direction, and was becoming much larger. She had found you; you had no doubt. Her outline in the sky became much larger, and as she lowered herself, you could see the hue of her coat and her rainbow mane. The closer she came, the more details you could see; her rosy-colored eyes, her Cutie Mark, and your saddlebag.
She has it. Has she come to return it? Is she going to act like none of this had ever happened?
Rainbow Dash had finally landed on the ground. She stood before you; your saddlebag and all of its contents being carried by her. The clouds, being partially dispersed by the nighttime gale, allowed a small amount of moonlight through, illuminating the area the two of you. Her face was marked with regret and despair, as it rightfully should have been. She walked a bit closer to you, but you didn't retreat. You couldn't, nor would you, because you knew it was pointless. Rainbow Dash had found you, and there was definitely no escaping this time. You couldn't even muster up the energy to put up any fight whatsoever. You were exhausted; both of running away and of fatigue. She was about to speak, you knew she was.
"Hey..." she muttered.
She's not going to go about this as if it was nothing, is she? Or is she trying to sympathize with me?
"Listen, I... I'm..." she continued.
Disgusted by you. Somepony with all your mental ailments; how can you even go on? I'm surprised you haven't already killed yourself. The fact that nopony wants to help you must be eating you alive. Do you have any hope left? I'd be surprised if you did.
"I'm sorry. For going through your things... And reading your... Your..."
"Psychological evaluation," you finished for her; both of you surprised that you did.
"Y-yeah. If I knew that you were like this before, I wouldn't have gone through your saddlebag... But I couldn't help myself! I was just so curious to know what was in there, and I just... I mean, I knew there was something different about you, but I would have never guessed that it was this..."
And everything went silent for a moment, allowing you to reflect.
She's apologizing. She's done that before, it's nothing new. It's what she does to try to make amends. But what if she's genuinely sorry?
"Tell me, do you really not remember me at all?" she questioned once more.
She already knows everything. There's no sense in hiding it. If I lie, I'm only going to aggravate her.
To speak again, especially in this situation, was going to be difficult; regardless if it was a one word answer. Your earlier willingness to speak was completely gone, leaving you to force yourself to speak. You had to. Otherwise, you'd have to face another hail of questions.
"N-no. Not at all," you managed to whisper.
The experience wasn't painful; a surprise to you. The fact that you had nothing left to hide from her didn't make it any more difficult to speak.
"Then what do you remember?" she hesitantly asked.
More questions. More and more questions... Then... Why aren't they exacerbating me?
"I don't know," you, again, willingly responded.
And again, everything went quiet for a moment in time, until she broke the silence once more.
"Why didn't you tell me before? I would have understood! I could have helped. I WANT to help you!" her tone exposing a mixture of betrayal and compassion.
Why doesn't she understand!? She should know why!
"You really think after everything I've been through, after all that's happened to me, that I..." you started, taking in a deep breath of air, "That I can just be like everypony else? That I can trust another pony? That I can be... Normal?"
As you looked towards Rainbow Dash, you could see her face was full of regret, and your eyes began to dampen. Cursing under your breath, you turned away from her, trying to hide your soon-to-be tears. You could hear her come closer to you, and you felt a warm sensation on your shoulder. You turned to her, still desperately trying to fight back tears, and you saw her hoof resting on your body.
"I can help. I can help you remember everything that you forgot."
You wanted to believe her, but how could you? She's gone through your belongings and just wants to help you? And yet, her hoof on your shoulder was helping to melt away all your stress and pain. You wanted to accept her help, you truly did, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do so.
She already knows everything. And she still wants to help... Maybe... Maybe I can build a relationship with her. Maybe she can help...
Every part of your body was saying not to. They was pleading and begging to not accept her help; that you were falling into the same trap you’d previously fallen in, that you were making the same mistake once more,that you were better off spending the rest of your life alone, and that you should stay that way. You felt your heart increase in pace, blood circulation was increasing, making you a nervous wreck. You opened your mouth, and whispered...
"Alright..."
Suddenly, you felt something wrap around your neck. And with that, you entered your stage of euphoria, not being able to help yourself but enjoy it. Unfortunately, the warmth quickly vanished, and Rainbow Dash began to speak again.
"Okay, so, I guess we should go, then... I mean, unless you got a place to stay... Do you?"
Should I lie? It wouldn't hurt to, for once, sleep in shelter.
The voice in the back of your mind kept warning you of the mistake you were making, and another voice was pleading for you to accept her help.
I want to stay with her! I want her to help me remember everything! She can help me!
"N-no."
"So do you wanna stay with me?"
Again, the voices in your head were much louder, trying to influence your decision; one insisting that it would be a mistake, and the other wanting to accept her help.
"Yes."
You could see her light up a bit, throwing you off guard for a second, before she spoke once more.
"Then let's go," she stated, before beginning to flap her wings. She took off, not wanting to waste any time, waiting for you to follow suit. You let out a deep sigh and proceeded to imitate her. You lifted yourself off the ground and followed her; the two of you nearly side by side. You couldn't bring any thoughts to your mind, as you were still in a state of shock from your decisions. You entered a near-desensitized state, as you didn't feel yourself flying; almost as if it were from instinct. After a few minutes of silence and gliding, you reached her domain once more. You could see the door was left open, as was the window you escaped from. She was the first to land on the cloud, waiting for you to follow suit. As you regained control of your senses, you descended onto her cloud and followed her into the building. You weren't sure of what was going to happen now, but again, you couldn't even begin to comprehend your actions. You were pulled out of your daze when Rainbow Dash spoke.
"Alright, well, it's been a long day for the both us. We should get some shut-eye. And since you're the guest, I'll let you sleep in my room," trotting to the stairs as she explained your arrangements.
You followed her, not willing to put up any form of resistance. You had now hit the point of exhaustion that caused you to become drowsy. She led you through a short flight of stairs and through a hallway with only a few doors. She stopped herself at one and opened it slowly. The room itself was somewhat empty; barren besides the bed and a small picture upon a stand that rested next to it.
"So, you can sleep here. I don't mind at all. I'll just sleep on the couch or somethin’."
She quickly slid the saddlebag of her back and dropped it before you. You had completely forgotten about it having been in the presence of her.
"I guess this is goodnight. I'll see ya in the morning," she said before closing the door.
You stood still, listening for her hoofsteps to become quieter, and finally disappearing all together. You let out another deep sigh, finally having been given some sort of peace of mind. You dragged the saddlebag closer to the bed, and quickly rummaged through it's contents, finding everything to still be in place.
At least she had the sense not to steal anything.
You placed yourself on the bed, hind-legs stretched out, one foreleg across your chest, and the other laying off the bed. It's been a while since you'd actually laid on a bed, having been resting out in the open for the past week.
I'm hoping I made the right choice. If not, I've just put myself in another psychiatric hospital.
Reminded of the hospital, you reached for your anti-depressants in your saddlebag. The amount you needed to take and how often had finally become embedded in your memory. You reached for the bottle, and pulled out two capsules, and swallowed them without any hesitation. Your drowsiness quickly followed, and you were finally going to fall asleep. After the events of today, you were willing to take your chances in your unconsciousness. You quickly pulled back the covers, and slipped under them, resting your head on the pillow. Finally, your eyelids gave in, and you slipped into the abyss of your dreams.
Your eyes opened, surrounded by near complete darkness. Your legs were trapped under the cover you lie in. As your consciousness returned, you regained full control of your body, and as you pulled your forelegs out, you could still feel exhausted. The covers of the bed provided a near-perfect balance between warmth and cold, only making you less likely to actually fully wake up. You let your eyelids fall, returning back to your semiconscious state.
The dream. It was different again. It wasn't the one I had before or their death... It's not as if it matters. I can't remember anything from it. Just the familiar voice. Was it another memory, or just a delusion?
Placing your forelegs back under the covers, you stretched out your legs, easing tension that had been built up overnight. Doing so only reminded you of your physical exhaustion. Not wanting to get out of bed just yet, you hunched over, pulling the covers closer together. You opened your eyes once more, observing your surroundings, and realized that it was dark; meaning that it was nightfall.
How little did I sleep? Not very long apparently. That would explain why I'm still exhausted.
You closed your eyes, attempting to retrieve your memories of the previous night, and nothing came to mind. Much of it was a blur. You could only recall something catastrophic happening, and anypony that was involved was blocked out. As you let yourself deeper into the bed, your eyes darted open, and you sat up on the bed, throwing the sheets off, yelling as you did. You quickly looked around the room, once again observing your surroundings. Although the room was near pitch-black, you could see a cloud-constructed wall, allowing you to come to the conclusion that you were not at the hospital. Panting, you relaxed and let out a sigh, relieved that you weren't taken back into the Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital. You placed your fore-hoof on your head, trying to calm yourself down.
Thank Celestia I'm not back there! But, I'm still not safe yet. I need to find out where I am.
You slid off the bed, dragging the covers with you. Landing on your legs, you quickly turned your neck, cracking and easing the stiffness of your neck. Slowly, you began to walk forward cautiously until your leg bumped into your saddlebag. Frightened of having it removed, you craned your neck to to pick it up, but your eyes caught the attention of the design of the cover that had fallen off the bed. It's rainbow-layered style had served as a reminder of what had happened the previous night. You cursed under your breath, insulting yourself for being easily coaxed into staying in Rainbow Dash's home. Finally having a moment to gather your thoughts, another argument broke out between you and yourself.
Why did you let yourself say yes to all of this? Do you realize what you've gotten yourself into?
"I know."
Then why are you still here? Why were you even here in the first place?
"I wanted to believe that she could help me. She 'can' help me."
Just like how you were so sure that Sigmund could help you?
"This is different! He didn't know anything about my past! She does!"
And how do you know that?!
"Because she recognized me. She knew my name. And only a few ponies know my real name."
That doesn't mean she can help.
"But she said she would! She wants to help me! And none of this is her fault. She didn't have to take any sort of responsibility, but she did. That's more than almost any other pony has done for me!"
You caught yourself shouting into the darkness, realizing that you were having another dispute. As you regained your normal pattern of thoughts, you contemplated carrying the saddlebag with you.
There's no point. She already knows who I am. It'll just be dead weight.
As you pulled away from the saddlebag, you observed your surroundings once more, placing your vision on the door at the end of the room. Thoughts began to spawn as to whether or not you should search the building. Your curiosity peaks, and you began to steadily walk over to the door. As you placed your hoof on the knob, you slowly pushed, creating a low but steady creak, which echoed through the corridor. Upon hearing the noise, you stopped, fearing that somepony might have heard. Frightened, you peered your head through the slit of the door, and all you could see was an empty hallway. After making sure that nopony was near, you began to push the door once more, the creak now absent. Eventually, you made your way into the hallway. In one end laid the stairway you climbed yesterday.
What if she's down there? I don't hear anything... But what if she catches me sneaking around in her own home?
After a quick evaluation of the consequences, you decided to go down anyway. Beginning your descent down the stairs, you took each step as cautiously as possible, to avoid making any unwanted noise.
I should not be doing this. If she catches me, she might tell me to leave.
"Why do you care so much? Didn't you want to leave?"
No... Or, yes! I'm not sure anymore. I already told you. I just want help.
"You don't even know if she can help."
What choice do I have left? Besides, she knows my past. At least like this, I can stop her from telling anypony else.
"You don't know that. You can't even trust her."
I want to be able to!
"That's only because!.."
You stopped yourself from shouting, closing your mouth while taking a few steps back; in your self-conflict, you failed to pay attention to your surroundings, for the cyan pegasus laid right before you on the couch like she had said she would. You kept your eyes focused on her, not daring to blink. After a few seconds of observation and silence, besides both of your breathing, she didn't stir. You let out a sigh of relief, thankful to Celestia that she hadn't awakened. Rainbow Dash just laid there, her chest ascending and descending in sync with her breathing, and her mutlicolored tail playfully whipping in the air. Her legs were sprawled out, as she was laying on her side. After nearly a minute, you caught yourself staring at her athletic figure. But really, it was more than just staring, admiring, almost.
What am I doing?! What if she caught me staring at her like that?... Why am I even staring at her in the first place?
Deciding to push the thought away, you continued to search around her home, regardless of the constant reminder of the consequences. Slowly walking, you tried to make as little noise as possible, eventually reaching the room where Rainbow Dash had dumped various pictures onto the floor. You couldn't remember the exact reason for why she had done this, but you figured it was in relation to you. You walked past them, but stopped, your curiosity urging you to look through them. You took a quick glance at the photos, but averted your eyes.
Look through them. She looked through your case file. You have every right to look through the pictures.
"I... Suppose." you whispered to yourself.
You turned directly towards the pile of pictures and laid onto the ground. Your vision was centered on the picture that lay on top of the pile. It was an image of Rainbow Dash and a few other ponies smiling for a photo. You threw it aside, focusing on the next consecutive image. It was another image of Rainbow Dash flying with the yellow pegasus you've seen before. Like the other, you threw it aside, ignoring it. Picking up another image, it featured Rainbow Dash, smiling once more, along with the same ponies that were in the first image you'd seen.
These are all memories... Fulfilling memories. Memories that she can reminisce on...
A combination of both hope and agitation grew inside you. Letting your rage take over for a moment, you smacked the photographs, tossing them and causing them to slide against the ground.
What would she know? She doesn't know what it feels like to be abandoned. She'll never understand what I've been through. That's why she can look back on her memories and feel something other than despair and hopelessness!
You picked yourself up, ignoring the photos that stretched across the floor. As you rose to your hooves, your cringed in pain, holding your stomach, as the sounds of your stomach growling echoed throughout the room, the sound only amplified by the silence of the room. Keeping the same position, you tilted your head upwards, towards the couch Rainbow Dash laid on. Everything was silent, until you heard her grunt and shift her position on the couch. Your heart skipped a beat, but you were quickly relieved to hear her begin to snore.
Damn. How long has it been since I've eaten? An apple won't satisfy my hunger. I need more than just that.
Still in the room with the photos, you took yourself further away from the couch, to find yourself near the same room where Rainbow Dash read your case file. Although not as loud, your stomach was still grumbling, and the feeling of an empty stomach began to override your priorities.
I wonder if she has food. No, I can't just steal it... Well, what would it matter? She offered me to stay with her, I assume that I would be allowed to eat the food she has, right?
As you tread further into the room, you find the same window in which you escaped in earlier. It was completely shut this time, but you still pondered the idea of escaping.
There's no point in running. If I do, I'll just end up in the same cycle again. She'll find me, question me, and I'll eventually return here.
You began to retreat back into the room with the photographs, still in a mess. You were about to look through them once more, but you decided against it. You knew that looking through them again would only disturb you more.
What now? I'm still hungry, but I don't know where anything is in her home. Maybe I should just go back before she wakes up.
Adjusting your eyes to the darkness, you slowly began making your way back to the second floor. Again, just as you had descended, you took the same precautions, being incredibly careful not to make any noise. You weren't sure what you would do back when you returned to the room, but you were sure that it was much safer than being out in the open with Rainbow Dash. As you approached the couch she rested on, you crept even slower, even going as far as to hold your breath to avoid making noise. As you passed the couch, you felt your tail brush up against something. Thinking quickly, you reflexively pulled away, creating space between you and whatever object your tail had come across. But, your movements were stopped by an even sturdier object, causing you to expel your breath and to stumble. You quickly regained your balance, trying to immediately resume your retreat back into your room, but you were halted by the sound of glass coming in contact with the floor. Your blood froze as the noise traveled and echoed across the silent living room. As you listened to the noise, you couldn't hear the mare snoring anymore.
"Who's..," she yawned as she lifted herself up from the couch, "there?"
You stayed quiet, not daring to make any noise whatsoever.
Idiot! This was inevitable! You shouldn't have come down here in the first place! Now she's going to find you, and who knows what she'll do to you! You'll be lucky if she doesn't tell everypony your past!
Rainbow Dash was scanning the room, trying to locate the source of the noise, when she finally rested her eyes upon you. The two of you looked into each others' eyes and held on for a few seconds before she began to speak.
"What the- Hey!" she yelled, getting herself off the couch, and beginning to approach you, "Who do you think you are, breaking into my home and sneaking around, huh?"
She was standing over you now, while you cowered under her.
You shouldn't be angry. You should have expected this. This is what you deserve for sneaking around her home.
"Well?" she questioned again. Her tone was impatient and annoyed, just like it had been before she knew who you were. She was waiting for some sort of explanation but you couldn't bring yourself to speak. You opened your mouth, but no words came out. You just sat on the floor with the most shameful look on your face. After a few more seconds of silence, her expression quickly changed, and she spoke once more.
"Oh! It's just you..." she stated as she shifted into a more neutral position, not hovering over you like she had before.
Wait, what? What does she mean, "it's just you"?
"Dude, it's," she started, interrupted by another yawn as she turned to something across the room, "three in the morning! What are you doing up so late?"
Has she simply forgiven me for lurking around her home, without her consent, simply because she knows who I am? I'm glad I'm not being accused of anything, but why did she so easily forgive me?
It took a second for you to realize that she was still lingering around with the question she'd asked. Again, you tried to come up with an excuse.
"I was... Hungry." you muttered.
Hungry? That was the best you could come up with? She won't believe th-
"Yeah, I don't blame ya. I get up for a midnight snack sometimes too."
She began to walk off, leaving you behind. After a few steps, she turned back to you.
Astonished would be the only appropriate word to explain yourself right now. You couldn't believe that she so easily believed you.
"You coming or what?"
You rose to your legs and quickly trotted over to her, not wanting to keep her waiting. You followed her into another corridor, only increasing the complexity of her home. After a few seconds of silence, the two of you had reached the kitchen. There wasn't much to observe, and not because it was dark. You had kept your attention on Rainbow Dash.
She's being extensively kind. I would have never expected this from her. Maybe she's planning something.
She opened her fridge, and began rummaging through it, looking for food, you assumed. You patiently waited behind a counter, awaiting whatever it was Rainbow Dash would bring out.
"Hmm, I don't have much, cause I haven't had the chance to re-stock my fridge, but... Here." she stops, bringing out a half-eaten pie with her mouth. She tosses it onto the counter-top, and slides it over to you. "You can have the rest."
You lifted yourself and placed your hooves on the counter, examining the pie. At the hospital, your diet consisted mainly of various fruits and vegetables, and the occasional confection. You weren't sure how to go about eating the pie; should you just go right ahead and eat it?
"Well? Are you gonna eat it or not?"
She interrupted your thoughts, and not wanting to irritate her any further, you took a large bite out of the pie, beginning to relieve the empty feelings of your stomach. Having the pain reduced, you took another bite, not taking a break to breathe.
"Heh heh, you must have been really hungry. But, I can understand. You were asleep for pretty much a whole day! Not even I can sleep that long."
You suddenly gagged on the food in your mouth, nearly choking, catching Rainbow Dash's attention.
"Woah! You alright?" she asked, walking over to you. You threw up your hoof, motioning her to not come any closer, indicating that you were fine. Once you had cleared your throat, you wasted no time analyzing what she had said.
Asleep for a whole day? How can it be possible? It's only 3:00 AM! I couldn't have been asleep for more than a few hours, at most!
"W-what do you mean, 'a whole day'?" you hesitantly asked.
"Well, yeah. You've been asleep for a whole day. When I woke up this morning, you were still sleeping. I left to go do some things with my friends for pretty much the entire day. It was late when I came back and you were already in bed again. I wasn't sure but I guess I thought you got up by yourself to do some other things, but by the looks of it..."
It took some time for the idea of you sleeping through an entire day to sink in.
How could I have slept through an entire day!? First, it was for more than a couple of hours, but now an entire day! 24 hours, or possibly even more, wasted!
Your loss of time was beginning to drive you mad. You needed to know how long it had been since she found out who you really were.
"How long has it been since... Since you saw my..." you began.
"Your Cutie Mark? I think it's been about... A week, give or take a day." she quickly responded.
A week. A week since she's seen it. It's been that long already? And I've only been conscious for about five of those days. I can't keep losing time like this.
"Why'd you ask?" she questioned.
You yourself were not sure exactly as to why you asked. You wanted to know how long it had been, but you felt that there was an alternative motive behind your question. You searched your mind for an answer, trying to make any association you could. And it finally came to you. You realized why it mattered that it had been a week. You finally made the association.
It's been almost nine hours since you've come to your realization; that today is the day that you’ll meet with Sigmund, and you've done nothing but contemplate how your meeting would go. After Rainbow Dash notified you of completely sleeping through an entire day, you returned to your room. Rainbow Dash said that she would go back to sleep and that you should too, but after having slept for nearly 24 hours, you found it difficult. You sat on the edge of the bed and repeatedly attempted to predict how your conversation would play out, trying to imagine every possible response and question Sigmund would ask. Every few hours, you'd conclude that you've thought of every response, but another idea would spawn that caused you to dwell deeper into your predictions. This cycle of thinking continued until the sun began to shine through the small window in your room. It was then that you decided that it was time to leave. You lifted yourself from the edge of the bed, and headed towards the door. You placed your hoof on the door, but stopped yourself from turning the knob. You felt as if you were missing something. You turned away from the door and began scanning the room until your eyes settled onto your saddlebag.
Damn, I almost left without my saddlebag! I'm becoming incredibly careless...
You walked over to the saddlebag and slipped it on, returning the sense of security that you lost a few days ago. Having it rest on your back, you walked back over to the door. This time, you fully turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open a bit, allowing you to peer out into the hallway. Seeing nopony in sight, you exited the room and closed the door quietly. You didn't want to let Rainbow Dash know that you were leaving, even if it was only for a day. As the door made a distinctive click, you softly let your hoof fall to the ground and turned around to walk down the stairs.
"Hey!"
But that would have to wait. Rainbow Dash was standing directly in front of you, blocking the path to the stairs. Your attempts to avoid any sort of confrontation were in vain. Being a bit startled, you took a few steps back, distancing yourself from her. You swiftly tried to regain your posture and facetious demeanor.
"Sorry, didn't mean to sneak up on you like that. I was just gonna check up on you to make sure you didn't sleep through another day again."
How... Considerate.
Her explanation seemed sincere, but you weren't about to deduce as to whether she was lying or not. You had much more important things on your mind, such as trying to find a way to explain why you were already up. Having only a few seconds to give a response, you tried to think of any sort of excuse, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. But your train of thought was interrupted by Rainbow Dash's voice.
"You planning on going somewhere?" she asked, motioning towards your saddlebag.
You turned your head towards your saddlebag and promptly returned your attention to Rainbow Dash, now trying to think of some response as to where you were going.
I can't tell her the truth. But, how much 'does' she know? My previous theory about Sigmund and her working together was false. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't know about him. After all, she read my case file. She must have seen his name. But she wouldn't know my relationship with him. I'll just have to be vague enough until she stops.
Just like any other moment you've tried speaking, you prepared yourself. You carefully selected your vocabulary and wording, took in a deep breath, and braced yourself for the worst.
"I... I'm meeting somepony..." you murmured.
It's becoming less and less difficult to speak with her.
After giving your ambiguous response, she seem confused. You were afraid that this was going to happen.
"You're meeting somepony? Where?"
Persistent. Why, of all times, now? Why can't she just let me leave be? Regardless, I'll have to give her another answer.
"In Manehattan." you replied, in the same tone as you did before.
Without any delay, she responded with another question.
"Who are ya meeting?"
For the love of Celestia... Remember. Stay vague. That will be the only way you'll be able to leave.
"A friend." you facetiously replied.
Keeping up your meticulous habits, you carefully examined her facial expression, trying to predict what sort of response she would give. Her already curious look quickly molded into a puzzled figure. Her expression had indicated that another question was on the verge of her tongue.
"What kind of friend?" she questioned, placing emphasis on the word, 'kind.'
Why does that matter to her? Why does any of this matter to her? Either way, she won't leave me alone until I give an answer. Careful now. Keep your answer uncertain.
"One that... Helps me relax." you murmured.
Again, you studied her face, once more attempting to anticipate her response. Her confused expression immediately turned to disgust, as she retreated a few steps back and causing you to become perplexed. She opened her mouth and replied, "Ugh! You don't mean those kind of friends, do you?"
At first, you hadn't the slightest idea of what she spoke of. But, as if she telepathically sent you her thoughts, the same level of repulse shot through you and you aggressively retorted.
"N-no! Not that kind of pony!" you barked.
The sickened look on her face disappeared, but a scowl appeared on yours.
The idea that I would seek sexual gratification from a mare in Manehattan...
Now, an awkward bout of silence had settled in. You averted your eyes, but you could feel her eyes upon you. You figured that she felt embarrassed about having suggested such an idea, as did you. You weren't sure what you had done that would have made her believe that you would do something of that sort, but you decided to be much more cautious about what you do and say around her, despite having agreed to give her a chance. The silence was broken a couple of seconds later, by Rainbow Dash.
"So... If it's not THAT kind of friend, than what kind of friend is this pony?"
Still asking questions... Even after that ridiculous question she had just asked? No. Enough is enough. She's not going to find out where I'm going.
"Why does any of this matter to you?" you snapped, reverting your eyes back to hers, examining and readying yourself to foresee her response. Just as a scowl appeared on your face, a frown emerged on hers.
"Hey, I'm just looking out for you! I said I'd help you out and I meant it!"
The silence that was previously present surfaced once more, and the scowl on your face receded. A cold wind seemed to travel down your back, similar to what you experienced the previous night when Rainbow Dash awoke to you sneaking around her home. However, it wasn't because of fear this time. It was remorse.
She's one of the two ponies willing to help you, and you've offended her.
"Psychologist." you whispered.
Despite having her full attention, she didn't hear you, as indicated by her response. Taking in and letting out a deep breath, you elaborate.
"I'm going to Manehattan to see my psychologist, Dr. Sigmund. The last time I saw him was last week, and he asked me to meet him every week."
So much for being vague... What if she's appalled by this? Having to meet with somepony to discuss how psychologically destroyed I am isn't something other ponies go telling others about, is it? Although, the stomach-churning pain of admitting this isn't present.
"Oh. So, he's all the way in Manehattan? I guess we should get going then, huh? It's a pretty long trip, even by flight."
Reflexively, you responded.
"Yes, I know. I sh-" you began, but stopped, after realizing that she used the word, 'we.'
"What do you mean, 'we?’" you asked.
"I mean us. I'm going with you. Now, come on! We'd better leave now if we wanna make it." she said, trotting down the stairs, leaving you behind.
I opened up and I tell her where I'm going and what I'm doing, and yet, despite all my efforts, she's still going to follow me. I should have just left through the window. Now, I can't even enjoy the short peace of mind I would have gotten from the flight-
"Hey, are you coming or what?" you hear her shout from the bottom floor.
Letting out an agitated sigh, you quickly kick yourself and walk down the stairs, seeing Rainbow Dash by the door. Before you can say anything to her, she leaps out the door, expecting you to follow.
I don't have much of choice now. I'll just have to follow her.
Walking out the door, you close it behind you and take off into the air with Rainbow Dash. She took off first with you following close. At first, it seemed as if it was going to be a silent flight. After a few minutes of silence, you let your thoughts flow freely.
At least she hasn't said anything yet. Perhaps I can still enjoy the peace and quiet. It is comforting, knowing that she's going with me, to some extent I suppose. At least she hasn't done anything ultimately painful. Giving her a chance might be one of the more effective choices I've made.
The silence continued for a couple of minutes, until Rainbow Dash broke the serenity of the moment.
"So, what does a psychio... Psychia..."
Annoyed by her naivety, you finish for her.
"Psychologist."
"Yeah. So, why do you have to meet with him?"
Does she not know what a psychologist does?
"He asked me to." you responded, keeping your facetious tone.
"Well, duh. I get that much. I mean like, what's the point of going?"
She cannot possibly be this oblivious. She's supposed to be the pony who can reveal my past to me! I'm starting to have serious doubts...
"He's my therapist. He tries to help me recover from my... Conditions."
Why do I have to explain this to her? She's read my case file. She should know all of this.
Again, a silence was born between the two of you. This, having been the second time it has happened, you realized that it made Rainbow Dash feel uncomfortable as well, whenever the topic of your mental ailments came up. You weren't sure why it made her feel that way, but you were glad it did. The rest of the flight was silent. As the sun reached the midpoint of the sky, you finally arrived at your destination; Manehattan. Being in the city returned familiar feelings, albeit unpleasant ones. Feelings of hopelessness, confusion, despair, and anger slowly stirred up within you. They weren't powerful, but were more of a reminder of why you left the city. Being right outside the city limits, you hovered before it. Rainbow Dash entered the city, but stopped when she noticed you still hovering outside.
"Hey! You okay?" she asked.
Catching you in a state of half-consciousness, you simply nodded your head and entered the city. She slowed her regular pace to accommodate for your speed.
"So, do you know where this place is?"
"Not exactly... I've only visited once before. I have a general idea of where it is." you explained.
No pain. There was no agony or anguish in speaking with her, just like when I talk to Sigmund. Have I finally reached the point where I can freely speak with her? I hope so. Sigmund would probably see this as an incredible milestone.
A couple of more minutes of wandering finally lead to the Manehattan Medical and Psychiatric Institution. You landed before the steps of the building, ignoring everypony else around you, except for Rainbow Dash, who was right next to you.
"Ugh, I hate hospitals. I can't stand being trapped and not being able to leave until they tell you to." she shared.
Her opinion somewhat bothered you, because it was a form of a testament to your childhood.
Story of my life.
Again, you felt those previous emotions surging again, only for you to suppress them. Rainbow Dash helped you by gathering your attention.
"So, are we going in or not?" she asked, half-trotting up the stairs.
Although you were in a dazed state of mind, you heard her use the same word she previously used.
There it is again. 'We.' I may have let her come with me to Manehattan, but I'm not about to expose her to Sigmund. I don't care what happens between us. She is not going in with me. It may be difficult, but I have to stop her.
"Listen... Rainbow Dash." you spoke with empathy, a first. She stopped and turned to you, giving you her full attention from the stairs.
Saying her name even feels familiar.
"I appreciate you coming here, with me, to Manehattan, but... I need to see Sigmund. Alone."
This may have been the first sympathetic sentence you've said to another pony in the past seven years.
"But, I said I'd-" she began, but as she looked upon your callous expression, she complied. "Oh, alright. Just don't take too long, okay?" she requested.
You simply nodded and walked up the stairs, passing her, to the entrance, surprised that she obeyed.
That was... Much less stressful than I imagined. I would've thought that she would have bolted in there, without regard to anything I said. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick to judge her as a pest. Than again, she did look through my case files. Whether or not that was a good thing is an entirely different matter..
As you walked through the lobby, you saw multiple ponies waiting for something. As you approached the receptionist desk, you saw the same pony whom you yelled at a week earlier. The same pony who had lied about Sigmund's presence. She had not yet noticed you, for she was reading a magazine. As you approached the desk, she must have heard you approaching, for she began to speak, not bothering to put down the magazine.
"Yes, how can I help y-" she began, but shrieked when she met you eye to eye. Before you could even open your mouth to ask for Sigmund, she began to speak again. "Ahh! Uh, D-Doctor Sigmund is down the hall, to the left! I'll p-page him for you!"
Without bothering to change your blank expression, you take a similar path you had a week ago, returning a feeling of familiarity. You eventually came across a door, with the label, "Dr. Riley Sigmund, Psychologist" across the blurry glass frame in the door.
At least she didn't lie this time. I suppose I can add her to my list of, "Ponies that see me as a Monster."
You turned the knob on the door and entered, hearing a familiar voice.
"Ah, hello" the pony said, stating your name, "I've been expecting you. Please, come. Take a seat."
You comply, shutting the door behind you and walking over to the sofa in the room, taking a seat as he had asked.
"Before we begin, I must ask. Did you frighten the receptionist? When she had paged me, her voice was a bit shaky, scared almost." he explained.
Beginning to feel offended, you quickly defended yourself.
"I didn't say a word to her. She gave one look at me and got scared. It’s not my fault. I had nothing to do with it."
Sigmund laughed and began to explain himself.
"No, please. You are not in any sort of trouble. I merely asked because she is easy to frighten and it is quite amusing." he chuckled.
I fail to find the humor in any of this.
"Anyway, please. Tell me, how has your week as been? Did you do what we discussed during our previous session?" he asked.
Communicate? I did much more than that.
"After I left, I stayed up the entire night. The next day, I did what you asked. I willingly communicated with another pony." you shared.
"That is excellent. What did the two of you speak of, if I may ask."
"We hardly did. She greeted me, welcomed me to... The town I was in. When she asked me for my name I..."
Sigmund, being attentive, egged on.
"You what?"
I don't think he will appreciate me lying to ponies I don't even know.
"I lied to her. I told her my name was one of the doctors at the old hospital."
Sigmund stayed quiet for a second before he began to speak again.
"Well, you communicated, and that is all that matters at the moment. Please, what else happened after that?"
He didn't seem to care. Good. But I'm not sure if I should tell him about the... 'Party' incident.
"After that, I continued to wander around the town. Eventually, I came across a group of ponies and I... It was too much for me. There must have been at least a hundred of them. I started to... Become lightheaded, so I tried flying away. But, a pony started chasing me."
Sigmund's attention seemed to shift, and his nonverbal cues had told you to continue.
I can't tell him about Rainbow Dash. If he finds out that somepony knows my past, he'll force her to reveal it to me. And I'm not sure if I'm ready to know about my past.
"I... Eventually escaped, and for the remainder of the week, I remained isolated." you said, ending the discussion. As you looked towards Sigmund, he seemed unconvinced that that was all you had to share.
"I see. Is that everything that happened?" he asked.
I don't know if I should lie. My previous attempt at being vague ended up in failure. But, he's never been judgmental towards me. He's always been accepting of who I am. And, just like Rainbow Dash, he's one of the two ponies willing to help me...
"No. I didn't escape at first. She kept chasing me until she pinned me on the ground. We struggled for a bit, but eventually I freed myself and escaped. But that night, I overslept, nearly throughout the entire day. The dream was different again, but, I didn't remember any of it. I woke up, and it was already night. After some time of aimless wandering, I eventually fell asleep again. Then, the... The dream of my parents returned, and I saw another pony. I knew what you wanted me to do, and I did. I communicated with her, and she bandaged my then-injured hoof. But, even after that, the dream of my parents returned again." you elaborated.
Sigmund just sat there, interpreting everything you'd said, analyzing and trying to sum up your entire week. You still remained vague about Rainbow Dash, as you weren't sure how he would react.
"Tell me. These ponies you encountered, they sound very familiar. I believe you told me about a similar incident last week of a pony, a yellow-colored one I believe, that bandaged your hoof, yes?"
I told him that the last time we had met? Right. My amnesia. I had almost forgotten about it. How fitting.
"Yes, the same one."
"And speaking with the pony, did not suppress the dream, yes?"
You nodded, and Sigmund continued to take notes on a small notepad he had on his desk.
"I see. What about the other pony? The one that chased you? Does that pony have any significance to you?"
Damn. I should have known he would have realized that. I shouldn't have been this ignorant.
"Y-yes." you quickly murmured.
"How significant?" he asked again, trying to get you to reveal the true nature of the pony.
I don't want to tell him, but it brings me a sense of comfort doing so. I hope this isn't a mistake...
"Very." you replied, staying ambiguous. Immediately, you regretted having given such a response.
"Why is this pony significant to you?" he questioned.
I have to tell him. I know he wants to help me, he'll do so if I tell him.
"Because she knows about me... And my past." you responded.
"And how do you know this?" he asked, almost brushing over the fact that you've discovered somepony who can reveal your past.
What? How can he not acknowledge this? He's been trying to uncover my memories for years, and now he doesn't care?
"She saw my Cutie Mark, and recognized it. Later, she called me by my name. And only you and her know my real name."
Sigmund kept writing for a second before dropping the pen to speak.
"Did anything else happen after that?"
Is he ignoring the fact that I can have my memory revealed?
"She... Coaxed me into going with her to her home, after I was convinced that she did truly know my past. When we arrived there... I can't remember why, but I had to take off my saddlebag. When I went back to retrieve it, she was there, reading the case files."
"What did you do when you saw her reading it?" Sigmund calmly asked.
He's ignoring it. I know he is, but why?
"I... I ran away, but I knew she would find me. I wasn't sure how to react, though. I was angry, but somewhat relieved. It felt... Liberating that I didn't have to hide myself from her."
Sigmund kept silent, but you continued to speak.
"When she found me, she told me she wanted to help me, and a part of me wanted to believe that she could, but I stayed doubtful. At the time, I was frustrated and exhausted. But, i went back to her home, and slept in her bed. I overslept, through the entire day, and I woke up in the middle of the night. That was all that happened."
This is, easily, the most I've ever spoken to anypony. The comforting feeling Sigmund told me would eventually come... I think it's finally here.
Rather than despair and hopelessness, a new feeling, alien to you, emerged. It wasn't just hope. It was something you could only interpret as comfort. For the first time, you felt comforted.
"It seems that you've had quite the eventful week. I'm glad that you've created a relationship with somepony else. It's a major step in the right direction for you. As for the oversleeping, I believe it is simply your subconscious mind coping with all the events of the week. I would imagine being surrounded by a hundred ponies can be quite stressful, as well as revealing your 'true' self to somepony, no less the pony who apparently knows your past. For the matter of the dreams, it seems that the pony who you've revealed yourself to has a great significance to you, allowing you to suppress the dream of your parents, which leaves room for other dreams to surface. Whether the dream is a memory or not, I cannot say. Although, it seems that it might be, and that your subconscious is trying to retrieve the memory in that manner. Now, for your memory..."
Right. I knew this was coming.
"Well, you see, the reason your memory is fragmented at best, is not because of any physical damage. If you remember, the operation we attempted to erase the memory?"
You nodded, as a feeling of anger attempted to surface.
"That only affected your ability to create new memories, and by the sounds of it, I'd say it has improved. Plasticity has most likely taken place by now."
I haven't noticed.
"But, the memories of your past are being repressed for some reason. And I believe that reason is because your subconscious mind is protecting itself from any more psychological trauma. That is why I would have preferred for you to have unveiled your past by yourself. So that you would be able to cope with any and all stress at your own pace. Now, I understand how it must feel to be at the cusp of learning your past, only to have me advise against it, so I won't. I strongly recommend that you learn your past, piece by piece. There is a reason why you cannot remember, and I cannot guarantee that you will be pleased with what you find. From what you said years ago, you did love your parents, and they were not abusive or anything of that sort, but there is only one way to find out, and that rests solely upon you. Learning your past all in one attempt might create stress that you will not be able to cope with. Attempt to start with the earliest memory, and build from there. Your memory will not simply be retrieved by being 'told' them. You have relive them, and only then will you truly know whether or not that what you are being told is in fact, your past. "
You heard every word Sigmund said, but all of it was difficult to take in. Every dilemma you faced in the past week was cut down by a simple explanation. Every mystery, solved. If you knew how to express excitement, you might have. The most you could muster was a hopeful response.
"Is it really that simple?" you muttered.
"Well, I wouldn't say simple, but, I believe that we have finally established some form of a plan for your recovery."
Is it possible? After all these years, is recovery finally in view?
"Is there anything else you'd like to share?"
After this conversation with Sigmund, something you had recently lost was retrieved; hope. The insignificant amount of hope you've held onto for the past week as invigorated. This was, arguably, the highest level of positive mood you've ever reached. The feeling felt unusual, almost unwarranted.
Such a strange experience. This is supposed to feel pleasant, yet, why doesn't it?
"N-no. I don't have anything else to share."
"Very well then. Will you be leaving now?" he asked.
"Yes." you replied, returning your facetious tone.
You picked yourself up from the seat, and began heading towards the door.
"Oh, before you leave, I must ask, have you remembered to take your medication?"
"Yes." you bluntly replied.
"Good. And remember, you are free to visit me whenever you wish. But, our next scheduled meeting shall be in a week's time." Sigmund reminded you.
A sudden impulse spawned within you, to show gratitude.
"Thank you, Sigmund. I'm... I'm starting to feel some hope for my future." you said, this time, adding empathy. You continued out the hallway, ignoring everypony in sight.
I can't believe this. This may be the first time that I've ever held so much hope. After years and years of fruitless attempts at recovery, it's finally something I can envision. I never enjoyed having my hopes too high, because it has always ended in failure and misery. But now, I finally have a plan. I have something to be grateful for. I no longer have to fear sleepless nights, or never being able to remember my past.
"Finally! I've been waiting for hours!"
Rainbow Dash's voice pulled you out of your thoughts, and you found yourself on the steps of the Manehattan Medical and Psychiatric Center.
I wonder...
"Sorry. I didn't realize how much time I took." you apologized.
Just like speaking with Sigmund. Effortless and painless.
"So, how'd it go?" she asked.
"Fine. But I'd like to return to..."
The town's name escaped you once more.
Damn. What was the name of the town?
"Ponyville? Sure, let's go back."
Ponyville. I should try to remember that.
Rainbow Dash takes off into the air, and you quickly followed. Her pace was much faster this time around, but you managed to keep up. Minutes passed with complete silence, as you let the events of today sink in. However, Rainbow Dash broke the silence.
"Hey, I'm getting kinda hungry. Wanna grab a bite to eat?" she asked.
I'm not exactly hungry, but I suppose the interaction between myself and her will help ensure that the dream is suppressed.
"Yes. I'm getting hungry too."
"Alright, well, we’ll find something to eat in Ponyville when we get there." she responded.
The two of you continued to fly for a few minutes until you reached Ponyville. Celestia's sun was now past the midpoint of the sky, somewhat hiding behind a few stray clouds in the sky. Besides the few clouds, the sky seemed clear of anything, but more importantly, of anypony. Rainbow Dash now began to lead you around the town, before slowing down near a peculiarly-designed building, seeming to be constructed of sweets and pastries. Hovering above the entrance, she turns to you and begins to speak.
"Well, we could grab something to eat at Sugarcube Corner." she suggested.
Sugarcube Corner? The names of the locations in this town...
"You know what? That might not be the best idea. Pinkie's still kinda mad at you for leaving her party."
Her reminder of the party incident made you quickly retreat from the building, not wanting to retrieve the memory of the agony you felt that night.
Why would she bring me here, especially if she knows that, 'Pinkie' is still upset with me?
"Come on, let's look for something somewhere else." she said, taking off again into the air.
Again, you follow her, not sure of where she was leading you. You only hoped that it wasn't with any of the other ponies you had encountered in the past few days. Now overhead the town once more, you saw the terrain beginning to change, now consisting of various trees in an organized fashion, unlike the forest you lost yourself in. Rainbow Dash began to descend, and you willingly followed her. As you flew closer to the ground, you began to see that the trees were harboring apples, similar to the ones you had in your saddlebag. You heard Rainbow Dash murmur something to herself, but you paid no attention. The apples were taking up most of your attention.
I suppose I could take a few. At least that way, I'll have enough to satisfy my appetite, if I were to become hungry in the middle of the night again.
You brought yourself closer to the tree, positioning yourself right next to the apples. You opened up your saddlebag and reached for an apple, before tearing its stem. You calmly placed it in your saddlebag and promptly reached for another. As you wrapped the second apple in your hooves, it didn't seem to budge. Naturally, you pulled harder, causing a few of the branches to sway back and forth, and repeat the process. However, Rainbow Dash's voice cought your attention.
"No, stop! What are you doing? Put those back, quick before-"
You weren't sure why she was reacting to you taking a few apples, but it disturbed you. It was almost as if she was reverting back to how she acted before she recognized you. But it quickly became evident why she did.
"Rainbow, are y'all takin' some apples again?"
The voice was familiar but you couldn't match a pony with it. You knew where the voice was coming from, and you quickly turned your attention towards its general direction, until an orange pony came into your vision.
"Oh, it's you. Ain't you that lyin', no-good pony that ran off on Pinkie's party?" she asked.
It didn't help that the position you'd placed yourself in had you just about to reach for another apple. She hadn't mentioned Rainbow Dash, for she was just out of the orange pony's vision. You were the center of her attention, and you couldn't escape.
Why is it that every other pony I encounter holds a grudge towards me? I thought speaking with the pink pony again would have been horrific, but clearly I was wrong. I need to say something to her! A lie. I need to think of something quick!
You opened your mouth to begin to speak, but you had no idea what to say. You simply hovered there, mouth agape, like a fool.
"And now you're here to steal some of my apples, huh? And don't even think 'bout runnin' off, ya hear?"
Those familiar feelings of anxiety, agony, and misery started to return, reverting you back into a similar state you placed yourself in at the party. You couldn't speak and you couldn't feel your wings, despite them still flapping. Your breathing became heavy and you felt a lump form in your throat, only more-so preventing you from speaking.
I can't even move! Please, just leave me alone. Please...
You quickly turned to Rainbow Dash, having forgotten that she was right next to you the entire time.
"Rainbow? How long have ya been listening to us?" the orange pony asked.
"Oh, no. I just got here! Anyways, I see you met my friend from Cloudsdale. Yeah, he's a real prankster! That whole 'fake name' thing was just another classic gag, haha! Totally hilarious and, woah, look at the time! We gotta go, AJ. Talk to you later!" she quickly spat out, almost incomprehensibly. You then felt her hoof grabbing yours, as she propelled the both of you into air, taking you higher and higher into the sky, until the both of you were out of the orange pony's range of vision.
She... She saved me. She helped me escape. She defended me.
She dragged you into the sky, now slowing her pace a bit and not having yet said a word until you reached her home.
"Hey, sorry about that. I shoulda warned you about AJ and her apples. She doesn't like it when ponies just come and take 'em. Something about hard work and stuff." she sheepishly smiled.
You couldn't care less as to why the orange pony yelled at you. You were just glad that she had taken you away from the mentally-stressing moment.
"So, I'm not sure what to do now. I mean, I guess I could run out and find something for us. I don't think I have anything left in my fridge."
She opened the door to her home and entered, and you promptly followed, closing the door behind the two of you. She didn't go further than the living room, waiting for you.
"Alright, I'm gonna go out and see if I can find something. Do you want anything specific?"
You shook your head, indicating that you weren't in favor of anything specific.
"Okay, I'll be back A.S.A.P."
And with that, she trotted to her door, and left you behind in her home, alone. This allowed you to fully analyze the situation you were in a few minutes ago.
She lied to her friend for me. She lied to somepony she’s known for years, to protect me. How was she able to lie so easily? She had been there the whole time, lied about that, and said that it was only a joke, the whole alias act I put on to protect myself. I should have taken notes. But, she was there to help me. Had I gone alone, I'm not sure what would have happened. It would have most likely damaged my already-bleak reputation. She promised to help me, and she's done that so far. But, I don't think she understands the severity of my condition. She isn't acting sympathetic like any of the nurses had when I was in the hospital. She's behaving in a manner that makes it seem as if she thinks my ailments will just disappear on their own. Hell, she hasn't even bothered to mention my past to me! I need to explain to her just how serious this is. That will be the only way I can truly make her understand.
You sat down onto the couch in the living room, your stomach now much more empty, as indicated by the growling. You tried to clear your mind, but you couldn't. Your talk with Sigmund comforted you, but you weren't sure how explaining yourself to Rainbow Dash would feel. You trusted Sigmund, and as much as you wanted to trust Rainbow Dash, you had an incredibly difficult time doing so. Only after she understood, and if she still wanted to 'help' you, could you do put any trust in her. You lazily let your head fall to the side of the couch, and your eyelids soon followed suit, shutting too.
"Hey," Rainbow Dash yelled, calling out your name, "you still here?"
You had slightly dozed off on the couch, but not quite to the point where you've fallen asleep. You groggily shake your head, and see Rainbow Dash, carrying a paper bag under her wing, giggling at you.
"Come on, wake up. I brought us something to eat."
In your blurry vision, you rubbed your eyes hoping that it would help clear your sight. You see Rainbow Dash trot off into the kitchen, and you pick yourself up off the couch and head over into the kitchen.
"I brought us some bread, lettuce, cucumbers and stuff so we could make ourselves a couple of sandwiches. It should be enough for us for the week." she said, as she dumped the contents of the paper bag onto the table. You observed her, watching the various ingredients tumble out of the bag in plastic-wrapped packages. She tore off the plastic wrappings, and you simply watched her do so.
I have to tell her, about everything, but she's too damn preoccupied with eating. I suppose I should just wait for a more appropriate time.
"Well, go ahead. You can start making yourself one."
You looked down towards the ingredients, dumbfounded as to what to do. The only food you've ever known was the vegetables, fruits and other sweets you were given at the hospital. But, you saw her began to form the sandwich, and you mimicked her, although clumsily. She began with two slices of bread, laid adjacent to one another. Then, she placed a few slices of lettuce, which you easily replicated. However, when Rainbow Dash began to cover the slice of bread in cucumber slices, you began to fumble them, spilling them around the bread, nearly always missing. Although you weren’t looking directly at her, you knew Rainbow Dash was staring at you. Without looking up, you pushed the spilled cucumber slices back onto the bread. Within a matter of seconds, you had completed your very first sandwich, although you didn't think much of it. Not wanting to expose your unfamiliarity with the situation, you began to eat your sandwich, filling your stomach and calming it. The sandwich itself wasn't anything special, just another means to satisfy your hunger.
"Oh, and by the way," Rainbow Dash mumbled, as her mouth was nearly full, "I cleared your name with AJ and Pinkie, but Pinkie still wants to throw you a party."
Luckily, unlike last night, you didn't have any food in your mouth when you heard the news that the pink pony, or 'Pinkie' as you now know her as, still wanted to throw one of her parties for you.
She thinks I'm going to attend whatever it is 'Pinkie' has planned for me? I knew she didn't understand...
"So what did you and your, uh, psy-uhh... Therapist talk about?" she asked.
Having eaten only half of the sandwich you prepared, you dropped it on the table. You figured since she had shown some interest in what you and Sigmund had talked about, now was as good a time as ever. You knew it wouldn't be easy, but this would be the only you could make her understand.
I need to find out exactly how much she knows.
"If you really want to know, come into the living room."
I can't tell her here, not in this damn kitchen.
"Oh... Kay..." she responded, confused as to why you wanted to enter the other room.
She stopped eating her sandwich and followed you into the living room. You placed yourself on the couch, mentally preparing yourself for what you were about to say. She stood next to you, waiting for your response.
"Rainbow Dash... How much of my case file did you read?"
"W-what?"
You wasted no time in repeating the question.
"How much, of my case file did you read" you repeated, placing emphasis on the appropriate words.
If she lies, whatever trust I was hoping I could have for her will be gone.
"Well, I... I read the part about your parents... You know. And then the only other thing I read was that you couldn't remember some memories, and that's all I remember reading and that's all I know. I Pinkie Promise."
A silence brooded over the two of you, as it has so many times earlier today.
She's telling the truth. Damn. That'll only make explaining all of this to her much more difficult.
"Okay..." you began, taking in a deep breath.
Rainbow Dash tried to interject, but you started to speak before she could.
"It's a lot more complicated than you think it is."
I don't even know where to begin...
"The death of my parents. It. It affected me in more than just one way. It, destroyed me..." you began.
You were staring her in the eyes, but it became too difficult to keep contact. You turned away from her, in shame.
"When my parents were killed... I was only a colt. I came home, and I found them... Dead. Gaping holes, in their chests..."
It was starting to become increasingly painful to speak. Your throat began to close up, and you could feel tears beginning to well up in your eyes. You closed them, fighting them back, and continued. If you couldn't tell her now, you wouldn't be able to tell her ever. You had to keep explaining to her.
"The police report said that I was laying next to their bodies for hours, to the point where their blood started to dry into my fur... And I was taken to the hospital."
Your tears began to overflow behind your eyelid. They proved to be too much to hold back, and as you opened your eyes, they began leaking out. Every other time you attempted to fight back your tears in front of other was successful, but all your techniques and methods for doing so failed here. You weren't even facing Rainbow Dash, but you knew she was listening, especially now that you were in mid-sob.
Keep going! If you stop now, you won't be able to face her ever again!
"I spent the rest of my life there," you explained, stumbling on every other word, letting a sob escape between every breath, "Every day for the past seven years, I spent in the hospital! I was watched constantly by nurses and doctors, all of them trying to 'help' me get over the death of my parents. But, they only made it worse! And now, I can't remember anything from my past, only the memory of of my dead parents and a day scarcely goes by that I don't relive their death in my dreams! And I can't even bring myself to commit suicide because I can't do it! Every time I tried to do it ended in failure! And I have to live with the memory, for the rest of my life! There's no way for me to escape it..."
You couldn't handle the agonizing pain anymore. You broke down, letting yourself succumb to your sorrow. You buried your face into your hooves, trying to hold back tears to no avail. At this point, you couldn't care less about what Rainbow Dash had thought of you. You had finally told her everything, and as much agony you were in, there was a familiar feeling of comfort that was present with Sigmund had returned. You could hear Rainbow Dash trying to form together a sentence.
"Well, can't you j-just-" she began.
You knew where this was going. She was about to ask if there was some simple solution to your problems, just like so many of the nurses had believed. The sense of comfort was replaced by a surge of aggression.
Has she not heard a word I've said!?
"Damn it Rainbow Dash, it's not that simple!" you snapped, returning your vision to her. She took a few steps back, featuring the look of fear smeared across her face, and you returned to your previous position. The feeling of remorse you had felt earlier returned, and was only adding more to your pain. Through your sobs, you barely whispered out the words, "I'm sorry" to Rainbow Dash, the words having come out instinctively.
Why did you just yell at her? I told her everything, she listens, and when she tries to help me, I attack her.
Your thoughts had finally cleared, and all that was left of your depressive routine was for the feelings to eventually disperse. Your cries and tears began to gradually die down. Your mind was blank, but you hear Rainbow Dash attempting to speak again. You played that her comment would not be something as ignorant as her previous one. She began with your name, "I... I didn't know that it was this serious. I thought that it was something that happened a long time ago, and that you were just visiting your therapist. You know, to like, catch up and stuff."
She stopped for a second, presumably to think about her next words carefully.
"I'm really sorry, and I mean it! I really do."
Her apology seemed sincere, but you were in no mindset to analyze whether or not it was. You just continued to let yourself return back to your low-point mood. It wasn't until you felt the couch and slightly budge and a hoof brushing your mane did you begin to take notice of her actions.
"But... I still want to help you." she softly spoke.
She kept brushing your mane with her hoof, and as much as you hated to admit it, her touch returned the sense of peace and security. Her hoof ran through your disheveled mane, and it relaxed you. Never before had you shown such an level of intimacy with another pony. You would rarely let anypony come near you, and now, in your dejected state, you let Rainbow Dash comfort you. After what seemed like hours, your cries had seceded and your tears had dried. And through your entire ordeal, Rainbow Dash continued to stroke your mane. You tried to muster up the courage to speak, but you couldn't bring yourself to do it. You sat up straight now, interrupting Rainbow Dash's motions, and turned your attention to her. She was looking straight at you, and her face expressed genuine concern and empathy.
I should tell her what Sigmund told me to do.
The extreme difficulty of speaking had returned, as you barely whispered what Sigmund had told you.
"Sigmund told me... That I won't be able to remember my memories by just being told them. He said to start from the beginning, and that I would have to try to remember those events on my own."
You turned away from her, as even explaining to her what you were supposed to do was an extraneous task. You could hear her trying to create a response due to her blatant breathing and stammering.
"Oh-okay. Do you wanna start now, or..."
After your episode of depression, the only thing you could think of was escaping the world for one night, and the only way to accomplish that was through sleep. Now, sleep was something you could look forward to, as your dreams could finally be suppressed. You would have to deny Rainbow Dash's request for now.
"No. I just want to go to sleep."
Rainbow Dash stood up, and you did the same. You turned your attention to her, and she carried the same expression she had a few seconds ago.
"Okay. We'll start tomorrow then. And hey, don't worry alright? Everything's gonna be okay. Try to get some sleep, but don't oversleep again... Heh..."
You assumed that that was her attempt at a joke, but it didn't phase you, especially now. You would have faked a laugh if you knew how to, so that she wouldn't have felt like an imbecile, but you ignored it. You began walking up the stairs, still keeping your thoughts empty. It wasn't until you turned open the door and entered your room that a flood of thoughts came rushing in.
She saw me in my weakest state, and accepted me. The only other pony to have ever done that was Sigmund. But, why was it difficult for me to speak to her again after that? Regardless, she promised to help me... Even when I was still babbling like a foal, she came to my side, and...
Despite having officially made a relationship with her, you avoided any form of intense intimacy for her. As you looked to your side, you saw the fallen bed cover and decided to try to sleep. You placed yourself on the bed and removed the saddlebag. You dug its contents and pulled out one of the three capsules of anti-depressants you carried. You popped off the cap, pulled out two, swallowed them, and placed it back into the saddlebag, finishing what had become your nightly routine. Now all that was left for you was to lose consciousness, and succumb to sleep. You laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling, having your thoughts finally cleared, and hoped that the dream would not routine. All you wanted was one night of uninterrupted sleep, without any unconscious conflicts whatsoever. And with that, your breathing slows, your heart pace drops, your eyelids fall, and you enter sleep.
The rays from Celestia's sun seemed to be directed towards you, seeing as you were blinded by them when you opened your eyes. You grunted and turned over to your side, protecting them from any further damage. As your cognitive abilities slowly returned, your thoughts began to flow freely.
I'm awake. That means I've survived another day...
You rolled over once more, landing on your right hoof. Although it was still injured, it was no longer a sharp, wincing pain, but rather, a dull, pulsating strain. Nevertheless, you slid your hoof out from under you, eliminating the pain. You continued to rest on your stomach for a few more minutes. Eventually, another thought spawned within your mind.
The dream. It didn't return. I don't think I even had one. Either that, or I just can't remember it...
Without giving it much thought, you took in a deep breath. You then pushed yourself up from the bed and stretched out your fore-legs. You quickly craned your neck to the right, cracking the various bones in your neck. You then let yourself fall back onto the bed, and slowly began to slide off. As you landed on your hooves, you began stretching your other appendages, giving you a refreshed feeling of agility. After limbering up, you began to head towards the door, when you realized that you had no idea where you were going.
I know I'm inside Rainbow Dash's home, but, what am I doing here? What am I even supposed to do?
You quickly gathered your thoughts, and remembered what Sigmund had told you yesterday.
Sigmund told me to try to recall everything I could. I suppose I can try that.
You walked over to your saddlebag and pulled out the journal you've neglected to write in the past few days, although you partially blamed your amnesia for that. You weren't sure what you had last written in it, but you hoped that something inside would help your memory. As you pulled out the journal, you flipped to the page that you had written on most recently. As you read its contents, you were disappointed to find nothing of relevance to any memory. Upset, you dropped the journal back into the saddlebag.
Nothing. Completely useless. I should have known.
With no plan, you decided to head downstairs, having been fed up of being confined in the room. You didn't bother to carry your saddlebag with you, for you knew that there was no point. You walked over towards the door and headed downstairs, with no purpose in mind. If anything, you were hoping that something downstairs would help you be able to recall your memories. As you walked downstairs, you kept walking and quickly observed your surroundings. You still weren't sure what you were doing, but when the rainbow-maned mare called your name, she quickly gave you something to do. When you turned to her, she was still resting on the couch she had previously slept on.
"How'd you sleep?"
Without having to forcefully form a response, you replied.
"Fine."
She quickly followed up with another question, yet she seemed reluctant to ask.
"Are you... Feelin' better?"
It was this question that had reminded you of your confession last night.
Right. She really knows everything now. Nothing to hide.
You simply nod, answering her question. She positioned herself upright, focusing more of her attention to you.
"So... Do ya wanna start now?"
"Start what?" you replied, effortlessly.
"You know, trying to get your memory back." she explained.
You weren't sure if she had remembered that you couldn't just be told your memories. You were about to explain, but Rainbow Dash interrupted you.
"I tried looking for the picture of us, but I still couldn't find it."
Again, you attempted to respond, but Rainbow Dash, once again, interrupted.
"So, since I couldn't find the picture, I was thinking that we could go to Cloudsdale. Maybe seeing some of the stuff there'll help you remember. Worth a shot, right?"
Cloudsdale. That was supposedly where you were from. It never occurred to you to return.
"I... Suppose, but-"
Before you could finish, Rainbow Dash sprang to her hooves, indicating that she was ready to leave. Again, for the third time, she spoke and cut you off from speaking.
"But what?"
"I..."
You're afraid.
The look on your face must have explained everything to her.
"Hey, come on," she began, while trotting over to you. She placed her hoof over you, and immediately, you were sent into a daze. She continued, "I'll be there with you the whole time. And I'll make sure nopony messes with us. So, whadaya say?"
The way she spoke to you was soothing. Her voice, coupled with her body's heat mixing with yours proved too difficult to focus your attention. You found it impossible to deny her request.
"A-alright." you muttered.
Immediately after your response, she disconnected herself from you, making whatever heat and comfort you felt vanish.
"Well, it's a short flight to Cloudsdale. Should only take a few minutes, so whenever you're ready."
You saw no reason as to why you would delay the retrieval of your memories, other than the fact that you were afraid. But, Rainbow Dash's words alone provided a minute amount of confidence. The fact that she had decided to go with you had almost provided courage in yourself. Almost.
"Let's go now."
Rainbow Dash seem surprised, perhaps at the fact that you wanted to go so soon.
"You sure?" We can wait a bit if ya want."
You simply shook your head, indicating to Rainbow Dash that you wanted to leave now. But you quickly noticed that you were not carrying your saddlebag with you. As you came to your realization, you look towards Rainbow Dash, and pleaded to retrieve your saddlebag.
"Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just don't take too long."
You nodded and quickly trotted upstairs, wasting no time in finding your saddlebag. You slipped it on and quickly returned downstairs, seeing Rainbow Dash waiting by the door. As she saw you return, she walked outside, and you followed. As you shut the door behind you, Rainbow Dash took to the sky, and you followed, as usual.
Cloudsdale. I don't even remember what the place looks like. But apparently, something there should help me remember.
After a few minutes of flying, you begin to notice Rainbow Dash slowing down her pace. As the two of you passed through a few clouds, you finally reached the city, Cloudsdale. The entire city had a similar construction to Rainbow Dash's home, but was much bigger. There were various levels and multiple rainbow streams circling the city.
"Look familiar at all?" asked Rainbow Dash.
As you examined the entire landscape of the city, a sense of recognition swept you. You felt as if you could recall specific areas, such as where the center of the town was, and other landmarks.
This place... I remember it!
You were just about to exclaim to Rainbow Dash how you remembered the city, but a sharp, intense pain suddenly attacked you in the back of your right ear. A high-pitched whine started up in your ears and your heart began racing, causing your breathing to become short and sporadic. You tried placing your hoof over your chest to slow your breathing, trying to gasp for air, but it was to no avail. You could hear Rainbow Dash asking you something, but her voice was muffled. The vision around the center of your eyes suddenly became dark and hazy. Once again, Rainbow Dash was trying to get your attention, but her voice was gone now. You felt her place her hoof on your shoulder, trying to keep you steady. Your eyelids fell, and you lifted them up again. They fell once more, and everything went black.
There were two other ponies in front of you, two young colts to be exact. They couldn't have been older than seven years. They were laughing, but it was muffled. The rays from the sun blinded you, causing you to flinch and look away. As you lifted your hoof to cover your eyes, you could see that you were somewhere else now. You were in an arena, with hundreds of ponies surrounding you, yelling. As you took the entire arena in view, the sun blinded you once more, making you repeat the same motion of shielding your eyes. When you opened your eyes again, all you could see was darkness, and a large wooden door.
You could feel an intense pain at the base of your wing, but you ignored it. As you tried opening the door, it easily pushed open, as it barely hung on its hinges. A gust of wind approached from behind you, slamming the door against the wall, making you jump back a bit. As you peered inside, an awful odor came upon you, slightly gagging you.
"Ugh, why does it smell so bad?" you asked yourself.
As you took your first step inside the building, there was an ominous fear that loomed throughout the room. As you looked around, you could see that all the furniture was either torn up or destroyed. You opened your mouth to speak again.
"Mom? Dad? Are you here?"
There was no response, only the sound of the wind that blew through the room. The hairs on your back stood up, and you kept your wings tucked in tight, close to your body. You slowed your pace, and you saw something in your peripheral vision. You completely stopped, and when you turned to inspect what you saw, you realized that it was only a curtain blowing with the wind. In an attempt to calm down, you say to yourself, "It's just the wind. It's just the wind." As your heart speeds up, you can hear it thumping in your chest. You take a few more steps until you step on something that cracks. The noise seemed to be amplified and you step back, only to see that it was glass. Again, you open your mouth to speak, but it's much more difficult to do so.
"Mom! Dad! This isn't funny!"
Still no response. Your entire body is bombarded with chills, and again, the strange odor attacks you once more. You tried your best to ignore it as you continued. You tried to breathe out through your mouth, but it felt as if your throat was closing up. As much as you were scared, you continued through the room. As you looked back towards the door, you could see that it was no more than a few steps behind you. Have you really been walking this slow? The smell was now nearly too strong for you, and you suddenly stepped in something again. As your turned your head to examine it, you could feel that it was wet. It was cold and wet. And there was a whole puddle of it. The bit of moonlight that shone through the cracked window revealed that whatever you had stepped in was a dark crimson red.
As you outlined the pool of the red liquid, you followed it until the puddle seem to be covered up. Two dark, adjacent figures laid on top of the blood. Despite the darkness, you could see the position of the figures. One was laying flat on its stomach, while the other was on its side. As you slowly approached them, you tried to speak, but your throat felt entirely closed up. Eventually, you were able to whisper, "Mom? Dad?"
You were now in between the two bodies, still not certain of who they were. The darkness and tears beginning to form in your eyes made it difficult to see. When you placed your hoof on one of the cold bodies and turned it over, you could see the face. You felt your heart nearly burst when you saw that it was your father.
"Daddy?"
You spun yourself around, placing your bloodied hoof on the other body, and identified it as your mother. Your face began to heat up, only to be cooled by the stream of tears now rolling down your cheeks. You collapsed and fell right into the puddle of blood, causing some of it to land in your mouth. The taste was sickening, but it didn't matter. You tried to pick yourself up, and you called out for your parents.
"M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
"Oh man, what do I do?!"
As your vision returns, you can hear a familiar voice, albeit somewhat muffled. Your vision becomes clearer, and so does the voice, who you now identified as Rainbow Dash. Once your vision finally clears up, you instantly remember what had just happened; the re-experience of your parents' death. Abruptly, you're bombarded with the same emotions from the night your parents died, at the same strength. Fear, confusion, guilt, sorrow, agony, abandonment. And they were all eating away at your broken psyche. Rainbow Dash finally noticed that you're conscious, and you hear her begin to speak.
"Finally you're awake! Dude, you really scared me! What, did you get altitude sickness or something? You just started falling out of nowhere!"
She kept explaining to you what she saw happened, and you listened, but you paid no heed. You were in a complete state of shock and fear, unable to even comprehend the simplest of thoughts. Your mind was a complete blank, only containing the memory of your parents' death. Within a few seconds, those two emotions finally transgressed into a depraved state of depression. Unlike your usual attempts to prevent your despondent lament, the barriers you've built were easily torn down now. Even shutting your eyes as tight as you could proved futile, as streams of tears began to trickle down your cheeks. When the first whimper escape your lips, that was when Rainbow Dash took notice.
"No, come on," she began. "I'm not mad or anything, it's just that you started falling, and you were gonna hit the ground!" You heard her trot closer to you, and when you lifted your face, you had noticed where you were; back in her home, on her couch. Finally remembering what she had just said, you murmur out the words, "I wish I had..." Rainbow Dash must have noticed what you said, because she didn't take lightly what you had just said.
"Hey, what kinda talk is that!? You don't meant that."
It wasn't until your whimpers became sobs that she finally realized that the cause of your agony was much worse than her scolding.
"Wait, this isn't because of what I said, huh?"
You didn't reply. How could you? Your continued weeping had indicated to her that she wasn't the cause of your sorrow. It stayed quiet for a few more seconds, the situation becoming more and more uncomfortable for you with every second that passed. Despite having shared your innermost emotions the previous night, that was intentional. After a few more seconds, you heard Rainbow Dash speak again.
"So, was it the dream of your... Uh, you know, again?"
Having lost concentration, you lifted your head from your tear-stained hooves when you realized that you had been asked a question. You tried to open your mouth, but that only let the moans escape easier. You couldn't speak. Every time you attempted to speak, only more sobs left.
I can't do this anymore. I knew it, I always knew it! My past really is fucked up...
You felt a shift in the couch, meaning that Rainbow Dash had taken a seat next to you. You weren't sure as to what she was going to do, but that didn't matter to you. You buried your face back in your hooves and quietly continued to weep, the surge of painful emotions still present.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Talk about it?
Slowly, you were able to stop the tears from forming, just long enough to give Rainbow Dash a reply.
"W-what's there to talk about," you began. Your voice was low and raspy, from trying to have stopped your cries. "I saw them again, but it was much worse this time! It felt as if I was back there again. Everything in my home was either destroyed or gone, and there was a stream of blood that led right up to them! I could smell and feel it and even taste it! I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living like this, Rainbow Dash!"
You were barely able to make out the last words before you began mourning again. Besides your cries, the room stayed quiet. You knew that Rainbow Dash was in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and that she had no idea how to handle it. Your mind was a blank, besides the repeated experiencing of your parents' death. The scene kept playing over and over in your mind, and you couldn't help but feel sorry for yourself.
Rainbow Dash began with your name, "It'll get easier after a while. You just gotta let time pass. After that, it'll just seem like a bad dream."
You felt a slow coming to your lament, and you seized the opportunity to respond to her.
"I've been like this for seven years! Everyday, I had to live with the fear of this happening!" You took a second to wipe the tears from your soaked cheek before starting up once more. "Everyday, I was afraid of having to go through something like this again. As if it wasn't bad enough I had to see them every night, now I had to relive the whole memory! And what if it happens again? I can't go through that again, Rainbow Dash! And the worst part, is that for some time, I actually thought that things were finally getting better. I thought that I was finally on the path to recovery. But today proves otherwise!"
Just like before, as soon as you had uttered out the last words, you returned to your previous state.
I have to kill myself. I've never been so motivated to do it more than now. I can't go through something like that again. Seeing and feeling and reliving the memory is just too much! I can't even bring myself to stop my lament, and I've said more than I should to her.
Between sobs, you could hear Rainbow Dash stuttering, trying to come up with a response. You understood how difficult it must have been to respond to a pony in such a pathetic, weakened state of mind. Not having full control of your actions, due to the fact that your emotions were running their course, you began to speak again.
"Rainbow Dash, help me... Please," you wept out.
"Anything. Whatever helps you," she responded, ending with your name.
You weren't sure what was compelling you at this moment, but you couldn't stop it. You lifted your face once more, revealing your blood-stained eyes and disheveled mane. Your eyes connected with Rainbow Dash's and you spoke once more.
"Kill me..."
Immediately, a scowl forms across her muzzle, one of disgust and shock. Her brow arches and you can see her mouth beginning to move.
"W-what?"
At this point, your emotions were in complete control of your actions. Your more stable consciousness would have condemned any form of physical contact with any other pony, but not this time. You threw your hooves onto Rainbow Dash's shoulders, whom you were now staring at, with tears still forming in your eyes. Her scowl quickly turned into a look of fear as she swiftly realized your request. You knew she wasn't sure if you were being serious or not, so you asked again.
"Help me. Please. I'm not happy. I can't be! I don't want to go through any of this anymore. Please, help me. I can't do it myself. Just help me somehow, please..."
Never before have you asked any pony before such a request, or for that matter, ever intentionally made physical contact beyond any extrinsic motivators. Rainbow Dash was still trying to think of a response until she vigorously shook her head and returned her scowl.
"Shut up! I told you not to talk like that!" As she replied, she, aggressively, removed your hooves from your shoulders, letting them return to your side. At this moment, you realized that she was being serious, which didn't surprise you.
I have to do it now. I can't lose this window of opportunity. If I don't do it now, I won't be able to bring myself to do it later, and I'll run the risk of reliving through all of this again.
You were still staring into Rainbow Dash's eyes, her facial expression showing that she was less than amused. Letting your instincts take over, you leaped off the couch and made a dash for the door. You weren't thinking, and that was going to help you to bring an end to your miserable life. You heard Rainbow Dash shout behind you as soon you had moved from the couch. You see the door right before you, but you stop, due to the fact that you had the weight of Rainbow Dash on your back now. She coiled her fore-legs around your shoulder and neck, preventing you from getting up.
"You idiot! You're making a mistake! I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!"
With Rainbow Dash bearing you down, you tried to reach for the door to no avail. She was overpowering you, stopping you from finding an everlasting peace. You started to beg to be freed.
"Please! Just let me go! I can't go through any of this anymore! I'm tired of it!"
Tears were still being shed as you pleaded, and you kept struggling, but she didn't budge.
"I told you to stop talking like that!"
You continued to struggle and squirm for a couple of seconds until you finally gave up. With Rainbow Dash around, you knew that there was no escape. You just let your head hit the ground and continued to weep. When Rainbow Dash finally felt that you had stopped struggling, she eased her grip. You pathetically tried to stand up on your hooves, but you were just too unwilling to do so. You were reaching the point in which you would lose interest and sight of everything. As you finally stood up to your hooves, you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof on your shoulder. You turned to her and she motioned you to sit down on the floor. As you did, she sat down directly in front of you.
"Listen," she began, stating your name, "You might not believe me, but I know what you're going through."
Your cries had, at last, subsided, now being replaced by the occasional sniffle and tear that you would wipe away.
How could she possibly know what I've been through? She's never been in any situation even remotely close to mine.
"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be..."
Rainbow Dash turned her head to the side and let out a shuddered breath. She took in a deep breath and continued.
"To feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are," she cooed.
Keeping your head down, you moved your eyes to meet Rainbow Dash's when she suddenly embraced you, wrapping her forelegs around you.
"And like I said, I'll be with you the whole time, helping you get through this."
Uncertain of what to do now, you copied Rainbow Dash and wrapped your arms around her, an unfamiliar gesture. You've seen other ponies perform this before, and you recognized it as a 'hug.' An expression of joy and sympathy towards another. Her embrace kept your mind blank, and thoughts began to spawn once more as she relinquished you. Finally, your tears and agony had ended, and you had donned on your usual callous expression. She flashed a smile at you, an attempt at getting you to create a similar expression. As she stood up, she asked, "Do you feel better now?"
No, not at all.
You nodded your head, indicating that you did. You rose to your hooves, uncertain of what would happen now. As you looked out the window, you could see that Luna's moon is now the primary source of light in the sky. Upon seeing it, you became dismayed at the fact that you had fainted for nearly the entire day, and that you still felt fatigued.
Oh, for the love of Celestia, can I not go through one day without missing the majority of it?
You nervously asked how long you were asleep for, afraid of the answer.
"Pretty much the whole day. After you fainted, I carried you back here and put you on the couch. I thought that after a few minutes, you would wake up, but when it started getting dark, I got worried," Rainbow Dash explained.
She stayed here the entire time? Why didn't she just leave?
Once again, you opened your mouth to speak to one of the two ponies you can easily speak to.
"Y-you stayed here the entire time? Why?"
"Well, yeah. I couldn't leave one of my PFFs alone, especially after something like that."
The puzzled look on your face told Rainbow Dash that you had no idea what, 'PFF' meant.
"Pony Friends Forever. Somethin' AJ said a while back. You know, the orange pony we saw earlier today?"
You didn't respond, as your blank facial expression said everything you needed to say. You weren't sure what to do now, but Rainbow Dash began speaking again.
"So, listen. You say you can't remember me, huh? Like, I mean, I know you know my name and who I am, but you can't remember me when we were foals, right?"
You shook your head. Rainbow Dash spoke once more, "Alright then. I have an idea. What if I told you about the times we spent together before, uh... You know, left?"
You were sure that Rainbow Dash had suggested doing that before, and you were also sure that you had explained to her why that would not work.
She knows, or at least she should know. I'm sure I've told her before.
"Rainbow Dash... I told you before. Tha-"
"Yeah yeah, I know. Your doctor said that you'll have to remember them yourself. But, hey, can't hurt to try, right? Maybe you'll end up remembering something," she explained, as she made her way to the couch, motioning for you to follow. Hesitantly, you followed her and sat next to her, keeping your eyes averted. As soon as you sat down, she wrapped a hoof around you and said, "Besides, I can't have my best friend from flight school not remembering who ol' Rainbow Dash is!" She let you go, and started speaking again.
"Alright, so, where did it all begin? Oh yeah, I just got to the school," she began.
And she started to tell her whole life story, although she stammered at a few parts, as if she was trying to avoid something. But despite her story-telling, that was all it seemed to you, a story; not your actual past. But despite that, you still payed attention to Rainbow Dash, learning more about her, rather than about yourself. Hours passed, and Rainbow Dash continued to tell the tale of her life.
"Oh, I'm so glad they're finally letting you out!"
"They said that as long as I keep taking these pills, I won't have to come back again. Ever."
"I don't care what it takes, I'm just happy that I get to see you again."
You hear somepony call your name out. "You know you’re not supposed to be in the lobby unsupervised. Come on, let's go."
With your eyes closed, your consciousness slowly returned to your mind. As usual, you didn't move for a few moments, letting yourself fully recover all of your cognitive processes. Slowly, you opened your eyes, but you squinted as the room was brightly lit by Celestia's sun. After a couple of seconds, you recognized where you were; inside Rainbow Dash's living room. You closed your eyes to let your thoughts flow freely.
Morning again. And another dream. No, that was a memory. I remember those two from the hospital. He had just been released, and was allowed to go home. I remember hoping that that could be me one day... Either way, at least it wasn't what it normally was. Which, I suppose is one thing I can be grateful for. That, and not being dead. Although I'm contemplating whether or not Rainbow Dash 'saved' my life last night. Why hadn't she let me go? I would have been one less nuisance she would have to deal with. No, don't speak like that. Rainbow Dash wouldn't like it.
You opened your eyes, realizing what you had just told yourself.
Rainbow Dash wouldn't like that? What do I care?
"You do care," you mumbled to yourself.
No I don't. My only priority is to relieve myself of this damned depression!
"This old, tired argument? You're only lying to yourself."
I am not. I don't care about anything relating to her! It doesn't matter to me that she stopped me from ending my miserable, pathetic life, or that we spent nearly everyday of our childhood together, playing and laughing, or how soothing it felt when she held me, or-
Having caught yourself in mid-thought, you quickly tried to reason with yourself.
Do you see what you're doing to yourself? You're becoming too attached! You have to distance yourself from her. These aren't your true intentions, they're just primal urges. Nothing more.
Having believed that you had convinced yourself otherwise of your emotions towards Rainbow Dash, you finally decided to arise from the couch, having been fed up of sitting still. As you tried to lift yourself, you felt something wrapped around your neck. Assuming it to be a blanket, you turn your neck, sequentially cracking the various bones, easing the soreness. As you re-positioned your neck to face forward, you nearly fell off the couch at the sight. Beneath you, is a dormant Rainbow Dash, with one hoof around your neck.
What am I doing?! I could not have done this on purpose! What would she think of me? Taking advantage of her while she was asleep?! But, she had HER hoof around me... No, NO! This was exactly what I did not want to happen! I need to go back to her room, and stay there until she awakens.
Now being aware of the physical contact between you and Rainbow Dash, you began to notice her breath against your muzzle, and her heartbeat in sync with yours. As you tried to lift yourself, you felt Rainbow Dash pull you back down, closer than ever, causing you to curse under your breath. As she nuzzled against you, it struck you that she was still asleep, and she was having her way with you, unconsciously. The fear of having her awaken now was enough to make you hold your breath, and not dare to move a muscle. There you lied, on top of Rainbow Dash, her hoof folded around your neck. Keeping your mind clear of any thoughts allowed you to hold your breath longer, and prevented you from succumbing to Rainbow Dash's touch. After what seemed like an eternity, you needed to breathe again.
Hesitantly, you tried to turn your head away as far as possible from Rainbow Dash, rubbing your cheek against hers in the process. As you slowly exhaled, you heard Rainbow Dash moan and beginning to shift her position. As she tightened her grip around you, she began to wiggle, creating friction and more heat between the two of you. Your once in-sync heartbeats was thrown off by your now quickened pace. You mouth obscenities and vulgarities, trying to keep your mind clear, as to prevent yourself from finding any enjoyment or pleasure from this. It was a decisive battle, between your two mentalities; one, wishing to relish in the moment, and the other denouncing such thoughts.
Maybe I should just stay here. If I keep trying to struggle to be freed, I'll just end up waking her...
No! This is exactly what we wanted to avoid! Leave before she awakens!
Again, you tried to lift yourself from her, creating distance between your chests. However, her other hoof immediately snaked around you, pulling you closer once more, waists connecting. The sudden contact made you release a reluctant breath of pleasure. As much as you would hate yourself for admitting it, you enjoyed this to some extent. For a couple of seconds, you let yourself bask in the moment, letting her warmth radiate onto you. You let out a muffled whinny, a failed attempt to suppress it. You felt your wings unfurl, as you attempted to find a comfortable spot for your own hooves. Unfortunately, as you awkwardly fumbled around with your hooves, a new sensation started to form. A familiar sensation that you hoped not to experience ever again.
A sharp pain began forming behind your right ear. Instantaneously, you recognized it, and knew what was about to come. Your eyes shot open and you forcefully pushed yourself off of Rainbow Dash, inadvertently landing on the floor, crushing your wings beneath your back. You let out an excruciating grunt, but you quickly tried to slow your quickened breath. As you lied still, you began to feel the pain ease, and the high-pitched whine never appeared. You sigh in relief, having avoided another traumatic experience. You rolled, side-to-side, allowing your wings to return to their natural position.
Too close. Too damn close! Is this what you wanted? To relive the memory of your parents' death again? You HAVE to distance yourself from her.
"Morning."
As you turned to the couch, you saw a now awoken Rainbow Dash, looking down towards you.
"What are you doing on the floor?"
As you quickly scrambled to rise, you didn't reply. You saw Rainbow Dash arch her back, stretching. You avert your eyes to prevent any more unnecessary, bothersome thoughts. Upon hearing her finish, you returned your eyes to her, and you saw her looking towards the clock on the wall.
"Ugh, 10 o'clock already?" she groaned.
Unsure of the significance of the time, you simply stand there, letting the event unfold itself. Rainbow Dash proceeded to lift herself from the couch, focusing on you.
"So, how'd you sleep?"
Of course she had to ask.
You simply replied with a "fine," leaving it at that. She swiftly follows up with another question.
"Feeling better today?"
You nod in response, motioning that you did, however, that was a lie. Mentally speaking, you were practically in the same condition you had been in for years; a general sense of pessimism plagued with a lack of interest in anything. Again, Rainbow Dash asks another question, almost as if she's attempting to spark a conversation with you, which is the last thing you wanted right now.
"I take it that you didn't have the dream again, right?"
Once again, you shake your head left and right, that satisfying as your answer. You tried your hardest not to become invested in anything having to do with Rainbow Dash, as you feared the return of the memory of your parents' death. You weren't sure what had caused it, but you were prepared to take any precautions necessary to avoid its return. Rainbow Dash starts up again.
"Alright, well, here's the plan for today. First, I gotta take care of some weather patrol stuff, then, I was thinking we could head over to Cloudsdale and give the whole 'memory' thing another shot."
The only section of her response that you had heard was the part about returning to Cloudsdale, or as you had begun labeling it, 'The Accursed City.'
Return to Cloudsdale? Out of the question. If something as simple as her touch can instigate the memory, returning to Cloudsdale will surely provoke it once more.
"I'm not going back to Cloudsdale. I'd rather stay here than risk reliving that memory again," you protested.
Rainbow Dash sighs and begins her reply with your name.
"Look, after what you tried to do last night... After what you said, I can't leave you alone. That's why I'm taking you with me to do my weather patrol."
I can't be left alone? That's ridiculous. I'm not a foal, I can do whatever I damn please!
Feeling that you were losing your sense of freedom, something you gained less than two weeks ago, you were quick to assert your want for isolation. As you prepared yourself to speak, Rainbow Dash interjected, leaving you with your mouth hanging open like an imbecile.
"And there's no point in giving up now! You wanna get better, right? Then you can't just mope around all day. You gotta fight for it! Besides, if you start to feel like you're gonna get the memory again, just tell me and I'll get us out of there."
You were at a loss for words, unsure of how to respond to that. Her sympathetic attitude now seemed more abrasive and demanding. Although you had been compliant for the most part, this was something you refused to do.
I'd sooner speak with the pink pony than return to Cloudsdale. I have to tell her that I'm not going back.
You focused your attention towards Rainbow Dash, ready to contest her request. But, as you turned to her, you could see a smile on her face, one that needed no words. A smile she carried after finishing her last sentence. Becoming infatuated by it, you lose your train of thought.
"O-okay."
It takes you no longer than a second to realize your mistake.
Idiot. You have no spine. You can't even reject any request she makes.
She's done nothing but help. Who am I deny it?
She hasn't helped. She's only caused you pain. Ever since she came into your life, it's only become progressively worse!
If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be dead.
Isn't that what you wanted?!
Before you were able to engage into another argument with yourself, Rainbow Dash pulled your attention back towards her.
"Alright, my shift starts in about twenty minutes, so we'd better leave now. Ready to go?"
Defeated, you nodded as Rainbow Dash began to head towards the door. You looked for your saddlebag, which you found near the couch. You quickly slipped it on and followed Rainbow Dash out the door. The two of you took off, Rainbow Dash leading the two of you to wherever she had to be.
I thought she had to clear the skies. Why are we just lying here?
For the past thirty minutes or so, you and Rainbow Dash had been lying on the same cloud, not having done anything. She explained that, today, she had to clear the skies, although she didn't say why; either way, it did not matter to you. What did matter was that you were right next to the same pegasus that you were embracing an hour ago. It wasn't that you were attempting to control your urges, it was that you wanted to distance yourself from her. And now, you were going to spend the entire day by her side. The only upside to this was that she had kept quiet, insisting that she wanted to relax for a moment, despite having just awoken from her slumber no more than an hour ago. The quiet gave you time to assess your intentions, having kept your mind clear ever since your last internal argument.
Why are you doing this? This is a waste of time.
What else could I possibly be doing? Feeling sorry for myself? Rainbow Dash is helping. I've been able to keep my mind clear for the most part.
We'll see if you still feel that way when you relive the death of your parents.
That was not her fault! She had no control over that!
Maybe not, but if it hadn't been for her, that wouldn't had ever happened. Hell, it almost happened again this morning! It's fortunate that you listened to me, otherwise you'd be reliving the memory again.
Y-you can't be sure about that!
Your infatuation with this pegasus is going to be the end of you. But, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe you'll finally be able to end this miserable life. Let her take you to Cloudsdale so you can re-experience the death of your parents once more. Maybe after that, you can put an end to our everlasting misery.
No, Rainbow Dash wouldn't let me do that.
It will only be a matter of time before she gives up on you. Sigmund, a trained psychologist, who spent years helping other patients recover from their ailments, who succeeded in all those cases, gave up on you. What makes you believe that this cyan pegasus can help you anymore than he could?
He didn't give up on me. Sigmund did not give up on me.
He did. Why do you think he let you go? After seven, long, painstaking years, all of the medical staff gave up on you. And these were ponies who were trained to deal with disorders and to help others recover from their ailments. Like I've said, it's only a matter of time.
Rainbow Dash won't give up on me. She wouldn't do that.
What makes you so sure?
I don't know! I just know she won't!
You know why you believe that? Because you've fallen for her. You've become obsessed with her, and when she turns her back on you, you'll end up being more miserable than you've ever been before. This is what I was trying to protect you from! The last time you loved somepony, you lost them. Do you really think you'll be able to cope with losing her?
I... I don't love her! She's just helping me, like Sigmund! I couldn't care less about what happens to her, or what she does! Once she helps me recover from my depression, I'll leave this city and go somewhere I can forget about all the pain and agony this town has caused me!
"You know, the point of relaxing is to relax."
Rainbow Dash's voice helped pull you out from your mental brawl. After returning to the conscious world, you realized that you've been fidgeting on the cloud, irritating Rainbow Dash, who you were now unsure how you felt about.
"Well, I'm getting bored. I can clear the skies later. Let's head over to Cloudsdale now," she said, abruptly taking off without a warning.
Powerless to resist, you lift yourself up and followed Rainbow Dash to the city in the sky. To your dismay, the flight took no more than a few minutes this time.
In a matter of seconds, you'll be back in your old home, standing in a pool of blood.
"Okay, remember. If you start feeling like you're gonna faint, let me know, alright?"
You simply nodded, wanting to believe that you could put your trust into Rainbow Dash. But you cast a powerful doubt upon her. As the city came into view, you prepared yourself for the worst.
"How ya doing?" Rainbow Dash asked, following it up with your name.
"F-fine," you muttered as you continued to fly alongside her. The two of you continued around the city, and as your nerves calmed, you were able to slightly relax. Upon doing so, you had a sense that you knew of your location relative to the city.
This place... Something happened here. Something significant.
As Rainbow Dash landed on the cloud, she asked, "Look familiar?" Upon landing next to her, you observed your surroundings to see that the location was familiar. You couldn't recall exactly what it was, but there was a looming implication of familiarity. You turned to Rainbow Dash to answer her.
"It... It feels familiar. Something important happened here, right?"
Rainbow Dash chuckled, saying, "Yeah, you could say that. This is-"
"Hey, Rainbow Dash!"
Before she could finish her sentence, she, for once, was interrupted by two other pegasi, one brown and the other a darker shade of brown. They flew down and landed on the cloud, right before you and Rainbow Dash.
"Oh, hey guys. What's up?" she responded.
The light brown pegasus spoke, asking her, "Wanna fly a few laps with us? We were about to do a bit of training." You kept your eyes glued to the two pegasi, observing their every action, from the folding of their wings to the movement of their eyes. You blocked out any exterior noise, everything sounding concealed behind a barrier. As one of their eyes connected with yours, you heard him ask, "Uh, who's your friend?" You kept your cold glare locked onto him until he averted his eyes. Just in the edge of your vision, you could see Rainbow Dash turning to you. As your eyes met hers, you felt as if she was asking you a question subliminally. You could hear her asking, "Do you want me to lie to them?" And, as if you answered in the same method she asked you the question, you said yes.
"He's, uh... A tourist! From... Trottingham! Yeah, I'm just showing him around and stuff," she explained.
She lied again. For me.
"Trottingham, huh? Say, you look familiar... Have we met before?" asked the dark brown pegasus.
Rainbow Dash answered once more for you.
"Nope. Not at all. He's lived in Trottingham for his whole life! He's visiting Cloudsdale 'cause-"
Suddenly, the pain began building behind your right ear.
I warned you.
You tried to block it out, putting every bit of your will power to subdue the pain. However, it became too much to prevent. Rainbow Dash was still covering for you, but you had to get her attention before you fainted in front of the two pegasi.
"-and I thought it'd be cool to show him around, so here we are!"
The high-pitched whine began in your ears, indicating that you only had a matter of seconds before you would lose consciousness. You opened your mouth, and began stammering her name.
"R-Rainbow Da-Dash."
You saw her turn to you, and a look of fear appeared across her face. She knew what was happening, and she had to act quickly. She dashed to your side, and you could hear one of the two pegasi asking, "Hey, is he alright?"
"Yeah, he's fine! We gotta go now, guys! I'll catch up with you later!"
Grabbing onto you, she pulled the two of you into the air, flying incredibly fast through the city. You could hear her speaking to you, trying to keep you conscious.
"Come on, stay with me," Rainbow Dash said with a half-panicking tone. You tried your best to keep up with her flying speed, but it was impossible, especially in your impaired state. Eventually, Rainbow Dash finally slowed her pace, allowing yourself to return to your natural state. Your breathing slowed down, the whine had died, and the pain subsided. Rainbow Dash kept a hoof on you, making sure that you didn't unexpectedly lose consciousness. Once you were able to take notice of your surroundings, you could see that you were still flying, however, now out of Cloudsdale.
"You alright?" Rainbow Dash asked.
Now being able to speak, you made one simple request.
"Get me out of here."
Rainbow Dash was about to speak once more, and you knew what she was going to say. She was going to encourage you not to give up, that there was still a chance of revealing a memory. But, having a close encounter with another flashback gave you enough motivation to finally deny any more of Rainbow Dash’s plans.
“Okay, look. I know things aren’t going well, but you almost rememb-”
“Almost isn’t good enough, Rainbow Dash!” you exploded. You could feel a hidden anger beginning to surge to the surface of your emotions.
“All of this have just been feeble attempts at trying to recollect my memories. This is the second time I almost had to see my parents’ death again! I’m never going back to Cloudsdale! I’d rather stay like this for the rest of my life than have to go through that again!”
Once your short flash of rage had settled, you realized that you had to catch your breath; not from having flown quickly through the sky, but rather from your short outburst of pent-up rage and frustration. As you quickly replenished the lost air, you see Rainbow Dash carrying a defeated look across her face, something you had never seen before. Without saying a word, she slowly began to fly, not bothering to look back to see if you were following. Reluctantly, you followed her, assuming that she would take you back to her home. However, you were unsure of what would follow once you arrived there. One of your only chances of ever revealing your memories was now gone, and you weren’t sure if you were fine with that.
A few minutes slowly passed until you reached Rainbow Dash’s home. She hesitated before opening the door, but gave in and swung it open, causing a loud crack. Hesitantly, you enter, only to see an enraged cyan pegasus waiting before you.
“So what? That’s it?”
I thought I already explained this to her.
“Rainbow Dash, I already told you. I don’t want to talk about this anym-”
“Oh, we’re gonna talk about this,” she began, as she trotted over to the door, slamming it shut. “The only reason why I didn’t talk about this outside was because I didn’t want anypony else to hear us.”
You slowly retreated into a defensive stance, but quickly tried to diffuse the conversation.
Wha- Who the Hell does she think she is?!
“N-no! You have no right to keep reminding me of this!” you retorted.
Rainbow Dash crept closer to you, furrowing her brow as she spoke.
“Look, all I’ve done is try to help, but it’s not gonna do you any good if you just quit!”
You tried to find a response, but you merely stumbled upon your own words. Rainbow Dash continued to advance, making you back away from her.
"I... I haven't given up!" you quickly spat out. However, you felt as if you had lied, not only to her, but to yourself.
"Yeah? Then why don’t you want to go back to Cloudsdale ever again? You were so close to remembering when we fi-... Well, I don't wanna say it! You remember those two pegasi ponies from Cloudsdale, or did you forget about them already?"
"I... Well, n- what?" you stammered, appalled at what she had just criticized you of.
She knows everything. Your depression, amnesia, everything. She'll use that against you. Keep your guard up, dammit!
For Celestia's sake, I'm trying!
Your recoil was stopped by the couch, entrapping you with Rainbow Dash, who was only a hair away from your face.
"Those two pegasi were from our old school! But, why should I bother telling you? You're just gonna forget it, won't ya?"
You began to feel your blood boil as Rainbow Dash continuously taunted your amnesia. You felt another flood of animosity beginning to arise, and as you prepared to counter, she began to speak once more, interrupting you before you could start, which was becoming increasingly common.
"And you know what the worst part is? You won't remember any of this the next morning."
Your mouth hung wide open, shocked at what she was telling you. You didn't want to believe that what she was telling you was the hapless truth.
"That's why you can't give up! Come on, you gotta remember something. Don't you remember what happened where we just were a couple of minutes ago? I know you do!" she continuously badgered.
Her constant reminder of the previous events was starting to wear down your barricades of the event. You couldn't help but envision the area again, with Rainbow dash by your side before the two brown-tinted pegasi.
Focus, focus dammit!
But you couldn't. You began to hear the voices of the two brown pegasi within your head.
"Trottingham, huh? Say, you look familiar... Have we met before?"
"Hay, is he alright?"
You sat down, trying to force out the thoughts to no avail. Their voices kept playing over and over, repeating the same words over and over again like a broken record. Eventually their words began to sound like distorted gibberish, and you placed your hooves on your head, attempting to suppress the voices. Rainbow Dash was still speaking, but it was drowned out by the voices. After a few seconds, you began to the voices slowly change, becoming higher pitched.
Take a look at Rainbow Crash!
"Hey, have you heard a word I've said?" she pestered.
Unable to hear the voice anymore, you said the first thing that came to your mind.
"R-Rainbow... Crash?"
Her once-determined face quickly changed into a humiliated one, apparently recognizing the name. However, her expression switched when she realized something you hadn't.
"Where did you hear that?" she asked skeptically.
You replied immediately, "I didn't... I... The two..."
"You remembered it from flight school! This is great! Come on, we're on a roll! Think, what else would you be able to remember..." Rainbow Dash said, practically to herself. As you tried to understand what had just taken place, as to how you had heard another pegasus' voice taunt Rainbow Dash, the same pain that you experienced twice earlier this day appeared, catching you off-guard.
"Oh, I know! The chant! You have to remember this! We had to sing it everyday of school," she exclaimed. However, the approaching of another flashback had kept you preoccupied. Your hopes that it would fade away were destroyed when the high-pitched whine commenced.
"Junior Speedsters are our lives~♪" was the last you heard Rainbow Dash say before her voice was obstructed by the whine. You tried calling out to her, but you were stopped by a desultory pattern of breath. You tried to grab her attention, but you could see from your hazy vision that she was still doing her ridiculous chant. Your vision became dark, and you attempted to stay conscious. As you fell over, you had finally grabbed Rainbow Dash's attention, but it was too late. She rushed over to you, and the last image you saw was Rainbow Dash's terrified face.
There were two other ponies in front of you, laughing; one with a bronze coat and a fallow colored mane, the other a dull coffee color with a sandy-tinted mane. Both of them were flying in the air, their small wings keeping them afloat. You were standing next to them, but they were turned in a different direction, laughing at something that was behind a large decorative pillar.
"Hey, take a look at Rainbow Crash!" the bronze-colored one taunted, placing heavy emphasis on her name, or rather, her nickname.
"S-shut up, guys! And stop calling me that!" a shrill, familiar voice yelped.
You slowly made your way closer to see what the two colts were laughing at, when you see a filly, with a rainbow-streaked mane and a cyan coat, rubbing her forehead. They kept laughing, perhaps only to jeer her now.
"Just get outta here!" she yelled, her voice cracking as she threw her fore-legs at them, as if she had actually thrown something at them.
But, they stayed, still laughing at her, for whatever she had done. You felt as if you had to do something. You couldn't just stand by and continue watching this unfold.
"Hey, leave her alone!"
Immediately, the two pegasi stopped laughing and turned their attention to you. You could feel their stares piercing into you, but you kept your ground.
"What, are you sticking up for a filly?" once of them asked.
"Y-yeah! So what?" you quickly replied.
The other colt spoke, saying, "Whatever, let's just get outta here. He can't even fly!" His apparent friend followed up, "Yeah, and the other one can't stop crashing into walls!" After that, they took off, leaving you behind in a mortified state, along with the cyan pegasus. What one of them had said was somewhat true; you had difficulty flying longer than a few minutes, as you hadn't built up your endurance yet.
"You didn't have to do that. I can fight my own fights."
You turned to the cyan pegasus, who was now standing up, still rubbing her forehead. As if you had ignored her last sentence, you asked, "Why were they laughing at you?"
She hesitates before answering, "I... Kinda, sorta flew into this wall... Again."
"Oh," was all you said.
"Well, thanks anyways. Name's Rainbow Dash! What's yours?" she asked.
"My name is-"
You heard Rainbow Dash repeating your name, trying to bring you back into the conscious world when you sprang up, breathing heavily. You took a look around your surroundings, and Rainbow Dash was by your side, still holding onto the back of your head. Your mind was completely back, save for the one thought lingering; had that been a memory?
"Back in Cloudsdale," you began, having Rainbow Dash's full attention. "Where you took me. Those two pegasi, they were making fun of you." Rainbow Dash carried a confused look on her face, slightly deterring you, but you carried on. "They were laughing at you, calling you Rainbow Crash. And, I told them to leave, and then they laughed at me." After that, Rainbow Dash's face lit up, and you asked, "That was when we first met, wasn't it?" She embraced you, sharing a moment of joy with you. That was more than enough to tell you that you were right; that it was a repressed memory unlocked.
For once, the memory I recalled was not horrid. It wasn’t the dreaded murder of my parents or a calamity from the psychiatric hospital. It was the memory of the very first pony I had met: somepony I could refer to as a “friend.” This is it! The key that will shed the light on my darkened past!
You brought your hooves to your temples, closed your eyes, gritted your teeth, and began trying to induce flashback. After a few seconds, you were already dismayed.
Come on, come on! Why can't I have another flashback?
It had been no longer than a few minutes after having unlocked a new memory that you quickly longed for another to resurface. You had just deduced that, if a flashback had brought upon a repressed memory, then that experiencing them was the key to revealing your past. The only problem now was inducing another one.
Okay, what have I done before that had begun another flashback?
"Hey! I'm still here, you know."
As you opened your eyes and lost concentration on trying to instigate another flashback, you realized that Rainbow Dash was sitting before you.
"You know, it's been a long time since I've seen you smile," she snickered.
Taking that as an insult, you quickly turned your supposed smile into a frown, only to have Rainbow Dash interfere.
"No no, it's a good thing!" she exclaimed as she motioned towards you, trying to get you to return your smile. All you could muster was a blank expression to replace your frown.
Rainbow Dash starts up once more, "So what happens now? Should we keep trying to get you to have flashbacks?"
You rose to your hooves and replied, "I suppose. That seems to be the only way that I can unlock my memories. If that ridiculous dance of yours was able to reveal the memory of when we first met, then I imagine that there are plenty of other ways to bring them about."
Apparently Rainbow Dash had only heard your opinion of her dance, as she quickly defended herself. Imitating you, she rises to her hooves and says, "Ridiculous? You used to do that dance all the time with me when we were in school! And trust me, you didn't look any less silly than I did!"
You simply responded with a glare, causing Rainbow Dash to veer onto a different subject. Clearing her throat, she asked, "Well, do you wanna go back to Cloudsdale and see if you can find something else there? The day's still young."
Yes, of course! The city in the sky may very well be the only way to unlocking my memories.
Not one to let your excitement or optimism surface, you plainly nodded, and with that, Rainbow Dash began heading towards the door but stopped. She turned to you and began to speak, reluctantly, "Ya know, what if instead of a new memory, you see the memory of your parents'... you know, death? I mean, how can you tell?"
Whatever hope and ambition you had built up was quickly demolished by her question. You felt a cold sweat form as you mulled it over.
She's right... Damn, she's right! I have no idea of knowing whether or not the memory will be my parents' death or a new memory. I've only experienced it twice, and they felt similar.
Unsure of what to do, you stood there motionless and stared forward like a fool. It wasn't until Rainbow Dash called your name that you were broken from your deep thought.
"Listen, I know what you're thinking. But come on, you can't have that kind of attitude right now! And you don't know that for sure. I was just saying 'What if?’ Now, let's go to Cloudsdale and see what we can find!" she exclaimed, trying to create a change of heart within you. Once again, you quickly evaluated the possibility of a recursion of the memory you dreaded.
The moment that I unlocked a new memory, I felt... content. But, seeing my parents' death again, being worse than the nightmare... I haven't seen my parents in my sleep since Rainbow Dash took me in, and I am grateful for that. But now she's pushing me to continue to re-experience these memories, and I run the risk of reliving that night.
Merely thinking about recalling the memory sent shivers down your spine, but you quickly recollected your calm psyche.
Is it worth it? I can't say for sure now, but I must press on... it's what Rainbow Dash wants.
After finally returning your attention back to reality, you see Rainbow Dash still waiting by the door. You began to walk towards her, until she interjected, "You can leave your saddlebag behind. I don't think we'll be needing it.”
With a quick turn of your neck, you saw that your saddlebag was indeed still on you. You'd had it on for so long that you had blocked its existence from your mind, but the idea of having to remove your saddlebag was unnerving. You were already cringing at the idea of taking it off and you hadn't even done so yet. But, when you returned your vision to Rainbow Dash, you saw that she was carrying a less-than-amused expression. Not wanting to spawn a debate at this time, you unwillingly removed your saddlebag, exposing your Cutie Mark. Having this shown, you retreated into a submissive stance, which gained Rainbow Dash's attention.
"Ugh, I don't know why you're so embarrassed of your Cutie Mark. I like it! It's... original and awesome! Kinda like mine," she chuckled, while emphasizing her own Cutie Mark. Her accusation had sparked a sudden interest in your own Cutie Mark.
She's right. Why am I ashamed of my own Cutie Mark? Before, I hid it to prevent anypony from seeing it... but she's the only pony who would even recognize it as far as I know. No, there's something else about it...
"Alright, well come on. We don’t have all day!" She was now out of the door, and slowly, you made your way to the doorway, but stopped before leaving.. You took a look outside to see that Celestia's sun was still shining brightly upon your darkened coat. Still gazing towards the sun, you felt a tug on your hoof and you were vigorously tossed onto the cloud supporting Rainbow Dash's home, Cutie Mark exposed and all. Although you felt incredibly uncomfortable, Rainbow Dash took flight, leaving you behind with no other option but to follow her. Staying a little bit behind her, you delved back into your thoughts about your flashback conundrum.
I can't recall any specific indicators as to whether or not the memory I re-experience in a flashback will be something I've repressed... or the memory of my parents' death.
Trying to recall the events both prior and afterwards of when you experienced a flashback, one thought seemed to stick out; a sentence uttered by Rainbow Dash after having awakened from your painful re-experiencing of your parents' murder.
"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be... to feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are..."
That's what she had told me. That's what she said after I nearly escaped so that I could kill myself. What does she mean by that? Is it possible that... that she's suffered from depression herself? No, impossible. She would have told me that... Wouldn't she have? Regardless, I'd like to believe that I'd be able to tell if she's undergone depression. And as far as I've seen, she hasn't portrayed any of the same symptoms I have. Hell, she's practically my opposite. But.. Then why do I find myself attracted to her?
The second you had realized what you had just asked yourself, your train of thought became derailed, and spun into another argument between your two consciousnesses.
Attracted? That’s insane! As you've just stated, she's the complete opposite of yourself! How can you find yourself captivated by that pest?!
She's not a pest! She's saved me multiple times from committing suicide!
Saved or prevented? You know that you've been longing to end this miserable charade you call a life! What good has unlocking a memory done to you? Do you feel any less grim about your existence? Do you feel as if your memories unlocking will bring you any form of delight? I doubt it has. Tell me, what will unlocking a pointless memory of your past do to end your depression?
It... it'll show me that my former life wasn't hideous or somber. That there was once a time where I was... happy.
Again, I ask what good would that do you? You're just attempting to stall the inevitable. The cyan mare has only prevented you from finishing yourself. She'll only end up tormenting you.
That's a lie! Ever since I've begun to communicate with her, the re-occurrence of the dream of my parents has stopped. I've even been able to unlock a repressed memory because of her! I may not be attracted to her, but she's done nothing but help!
After finishing that thought, a sense of dishonesty loomed over you. For the remainder of the flight, you attempted to keep your thoughts at bay, merely focusing on the occasional cloud that you would pass by. After a few minutes of seemingly staying calm, you finally saw the city of Cloudsdale. Rainbow Dash slowed her pace, waiting for you to approach her side.
“Okay, we’re here. So where do you wanna go? I’m trying to remember some cool places from when we were kids.”
Finally having something else to focus on, you searched the vast regions of your memory to find any location that you might possibly remember. Closing your eyes, you tried to remember even the smallest hint, but to no avail. It was futile. The only location you had remembered was the small cloud that you and Rainbow Dash had met on. Giving up, you turned to her to see that she was looking towards the sky, having a different method for recalling memories.
“Well, I got nothing. I guess we can just fly around for a bit. See if anything jogs your memory.”
You opened your mouth to speak, but she began her flight before you could even utter a single word. Disgruntled, you were given no option but to follow her. After flying for a few seconds, you began to take notice of the other pegasi flying within your vicinity. You remembered that you did not have your saddlebag with you, which only caused your paranoia to kick in. Rainbow Dash began to take notice of your constant double-takes and spastic flying.
“Hey, what’s the deal? Wait, it’s not happening now, is it?” she frantically asked.
Despite being in a state of panic, you managed to reply, “All of these pegasi... they can see my Cutie Mark.”
Rainbow Dash’s groan startled you, as it was rather emphasized. She crossed her hooves, and seemed about ready to scold you.
“Take a look around you,” she said, stating your name. “Nopony here recognizes you! And besides, if somepony else did recognize you, don’tcha think that would be a good thing? Maybe they could tell us something about you that neither of us can remember. So come on. Ease up, wouldya?”
Her sudden snap stirred a mixture of emotions for you, ranging from malice to offense. Unsure of how to react, you weakly broke eye-contact with her and waited for her to resume flight.
This is what you want? To be admonished for your fears?
She’s right. I shouldn’t be intimidated by others, solely for the fact that they might recognize me.
No she isn’t. She’s hiding something from you, remember? What if what she’s hiding correlated with what happened to your parents?
That’s ridiculous. What could she possibly have to do with that?
Regardless, she’s reserving herself. How else would she know what it is like to feel unwanted and that you’d be better off dead?
Despite never wanting to side with your more pessimistic conscious, you couldn’t shake the thought of Rainbow Dash having gone through something traumatic. Was it possible that the pegasus who was helping you salvage your life had suffered through something similar?
“See anything yet?”
Her voice, once again pulled you back into reality. As you quickly evaluated your surroundings, you saw nothing that would instigate a flashback.
“No,” you responded coldly and flatly.
How will I approach this to her? I can’t just simply ask her, can I?”
Unsure of how to bring up such a topic, you meekly began, “Rainbow Dash...”
“Hold that thought! I think I’m onto something here.”
Discouraged, you continued to follow, keeping interest on what events must have transpired that would cause her to understand your situation.
Is it possible that her parents suffered a similar fate to mine? No, I’m sure that she would have told me that. Damn, what is she hiding?!
With your curiousity peaking, it became rather difficult to maintain your calm demeanor. You were about to speak again. That is, until Rainbow Dash amplified her speed and left you behind. You imitated her by increasing your speed, but she abruptly stopped and proceeded to land on the closest cloud to her.
“Does this place look familiar? I don’t wanna tell you what it is, ‘cause that’ll be too easy for you.”
You gazed upon the immense building Rainbow Dash had presented to you: a large colosseum, layered with clouds that served as the seating area. A bizarre sensation came upon you. You felt as if this stadium held a key memory, but one that was morbid, as if a great tragedy had taken place here. As unsettling as it was, you couldn’t bare to leave it alone. Again, your interest lead you to ask Rainbow Dash what had taken place in this arena.
“What happened here?”
“You really don’t remember, huh? Man, I thought for sure that you would remember this place for sure! Come on, think! I’d thought that this would be the most important day of your life!”
The response Rainbow Dash had bewildered you. The looming sense of a murky memory hung over you, yet she insisted that this location held ‘the most important day of your life.’
This is frustrating. I know for a fact that this place does not hold a pleasant memory, let alone the most significant event of my childhood. What occurred here that carries such importance? And furthermore, how would she know?
The voice in your head that had argued that Rainbow Dash was hiding something from you appeared once more.
It’s obvious that she’s hiding something from you. Remember what she had told you.
Her words rang in your head, only heightening your thirst for the truth.
"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be... to feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are..."
You need to find out what it is.
Now determined to uncover whatever Rainbow Dash had kept in the dark from you, you readied yourself to speak.
“So nothing, huh?”
Unfortunately, you were too slow. Rainbow Dash had already questioned you, which you had to give a response to.
“N-no,” you instantly spat out. “Listen Rainbow Dash,” you uttered. However, you failed to grab her attention as she took to the sky once more. As your eyes followed her, you could see that Celestia’s sun was beginning to set. You hadn’t kept track of time, so it was no surprise to you that you had let the day slip by you so quickly. You heard Rainbow Dash shout to you, “Looks like it’s getting dark! We should probably head back now.”
Having no say in the matter, you took off and pursued her to her home. Again, to prevent yourself from hatching another argument within yourself, you kept your mind blank, taking note of every occasional cloud. After a few passing minutes, you finally reached her home. As usual, she was the first to land and enter, with you close behind her. As you entered, Rainbow Dash forged a conversation with you.
“Too bad we couldn’t get you to have another flashback,” she began as you approached her. Without warning, she wrapped her hoof around your neck and continued. “But, hey! We made a lotta progress today, right? I’m sure you’ll be able to remember something else tomorrow!”
Before you could take the opportunity to enjoy yourself, she uncoiled her leg from you, and proceeded to wander around in her home.
This is it. No escaping now. I will find out what she’s been hiding.
Once more, now being endowed with confidence, you approach Rainbow Dash for the final time.
“Rainbow Dash.”
Staying nonchalant, and unaware of what you were about to ask her, she replies, “Yeah, what’s up?”
Whatever confidence you had was now no longer present, and you began to feel rather weak in your knees. You cleared your throat and proceed.
“S-some time ago, you said something to me... It was when I h-had the memory of my parents’... death, again.”
You were unsure why you were becoming nervous. After all, you were not the one who was about to confess; it was Rainbow Dash, who now carried a blank expression on her face, similar to the one you always wear. You started up again.
“And you... you told me that... that you knew what it felt like to be unwanted and alone.”
Immediately, her blank expression became terror-stricken, as she seemed to know where your line of questioning was going.
“My question is... How do you know?”
The room suddenly became eerily silent; the only sounds you could hear was your internal heartbeat pumping faster with every second that passed, and Rainbow Dash’s startled breathing pattern. Seconds turned into hours. After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, Rainbow Dash finally speaks up.
“I dunno what you’re talking about!” she barked, catching you off-guard. It was then that you knew she was lying.
That proves it. She is definitely hiding something from me. I have to keep pressing her.
“I believe you do know what I’m speaking of. What are you hiding from me, Rainbow Dash? Is it something about my past?” you queried.
“No! It has nothing to do with you, so it’s none of your business, got that?!”
Letting your emotions and curiosity get the better of you, you retaliated.
“If I recall correctly, I had told a certain pegasus that my past was none of her concern as well. Yet she persisted in finding out. Do you remember, Rainbow Dash?” you goaded. However, having done so only agitated her. A grimace soon formed on her face. Suddenly, you heard her shift her position, and everything went dark. An agonizing pain arose below your left ear, and you felt your back come into contact with the floor. As you absorbed the impact, you coughed and felt something land on your chest. A bitter taste began to form in your mouth: one that was familiar. When you opened your eyes, you saw Rainbow Dash standing above you, with her right hoof extended outwards, with a scowl across her muzzle. You brought a hoof up to your cheek, and came to the realization that Rainbow Dash had just struck you. You let your hoof slide down, and felt something wet on your chest. When you averted your eyes towards your chest, you saw what it was.
Blood.
She... she struck me!
You tried to sit yourself up, but the punch had left you dazed. Rainbow Dash promptly realized the implication of her actions, because she dropped to your side, distressed.
“Oh my gosh!” she panicked, her voice cracking with every other word. She started with your name, “I’m so sorry! Hold on, I’ll get a towel!” She takes off, leaving your line of sight. All you could hear was her rummaging for a towel.
Convinced now? She’s attacked you.
She... she didn’t mean to! I did the same to her before!
You had a reason.
I had as much a reason as she did.
Rainbow Dash quickly trotted over to you with a towel in her mouth, which she proceeded to place on her hoof and onto your lip, wiping the blood off.
“I’m so so sorry,” she stammered, trying to explain herself. stating your name. “I... I just lost it! I didn’t mean to hit you, honest!” She swiftly moved the rag onto your chest and began to rub off whatever blood had landed there. “It’s just that... I started to...”
She was unable to finish her sentence, and she was beginning to choke up; her breathing was becoming raspy and short. Throughout all of this, you carried the same blank expression, only with a bit of a furrowed brow. Rainbow Dash’s apologies meant little to you, for she still had not answered your question. She must have read your mind, because she stopped rubbing your chest with the damp towel, and fell to your side. Now having a chance to freely move, you sat yourself up, right next to her.
“The... the reason I know what it’s like, to be left alone, and unwanted, and thinking you’d be better off...” She seemed unable to say the last word, but she managed to spit it out. “D-dead... is because... m-my parents are gone too.”
The mere utterance of that sentence nearly made your heart stop, and it sent shivers down your spine. Your beliefs were true: Rainbow Dash’s parents were dead as well. You wanted to speak, but you were at a complete loss for words. Before you could think of something to say, Rainbow Dash continued.
“I mean... They’re not dead or anything. But... they just aren’t around anymore.” It seemed as if Rainbow Dash was finally calming down. However, she had now puzzled you. As little as you knew about the social world, you understood that it was natural for ponies to leave their parents when they reached maturity.
Now having something to question, you asked, “What do you mean?”
Rainbow Dash let out a rather dreadful sigh, and began to explain, “It was about three or four years ago... It was... you know, after you left. And it was the day that... I was kicked out of Flight School. See, I didn’t have the greatest ‘relationship’ with my mom and dad. We always got into fights and we always argued over everything. I didn’t really listen to them all the time, but I guess that’s just how things were between us. They kept telling me that I had to pay attention in school, but I was just a filly so I didn’t really care about what they thought. I don’t know if you remember, but I had a knack for getting into trouble.”
It didn’t ring a bell to you, but you weren’t surprised at that fact.
“And, on the day I got kicked out of school, they just lost it. They went off on me. It was the biggest fight we ever had. They told me that I only disappointed them and that my dream of joining the Wonderbolts was stupid. I was yelling at the top of my lungs, telling them that my dreams weren’t stupid, and I would show them. And that’s when it happened...”
She stopped, after having revealed so much.Without thinking, you asked, “What happened?”
Rainbow Dash’s breathing became intermittent and pained. She clenched her teeth and shut her eyes as she turned away from you; an obvious attempt to hide her tears.
“My dad hit me! He hit me right in my face and knocked me on the floor! And when I got up, I saw that he was about to hit me again, so I ran. I ran out of my house and flew away!” she sputtered, stumbling on every other word, fighting back any tears. “I heard my mom telling me how much of a horrible daughter I was to her, so I kept flying. I didn’t even look back once, but I don’t think they followed me. I ran away for two days, and I was all alone. But, by the second day, I was hungry and tired, and I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to be mad at my parents anymore, I just wanted things to be normal again, ya know? So I went back home. And you know what I saw when I got back?”
You didn’t say anything; you just waited for her to continue.
“They were gone! They just left! They took their stuff and left me all by myself! At first, I thought that maybe they were just out looking for me, but, by the third day that I was all alone, I realized they weren’t coming back. They left me to die all by myself! They never cared about me!”
By now, Rainbow Dash had let a few tears escape, and rested her head upon your shoulder. You didn’t respond; having finally heard the truth, you weren’t sure how to respond. This was the first time that you’ve heard of someone who had a past similar to yours. After a few seconds, it seemed that she finally regained her ability to speak.
“Ever since, I’ve been living by myself... And, I’ve never told anypony about what happened...”
She pulled herself off from your shoulder and turned to face you.
This is strange. I was hoping that I would receive some relief from hearing this, but I only feel more remorse than I had before.
You noticed that Rainbow Dash had been staring at you for some time, and you saw her rising to her hooves rather quickly. After what happened a few minutes ago, you were inclined to be more defensive. Before you could stand up, she pushed you back down on your back. Fearful for what she was about to do, you tried to push her off, but it was to no avail. A warm sensation formed on your lips, and you realized that Rainbow Dash was pressing her lips against yours, eyes closed. The sudden feeling triggered a response in you; specifically, it caused your wings to flare up. She kept her own eyes closed, and you weren’t sure where to focus your eyes. Imitating her, you closed them and waited for her to react. She kept contact after a few more seconds, and finally broke away. You opened up your eyes to see her faintly smiling at you. Your face suddenly heated up, beginning to become embarrassed as she closed the distance between your two bodies.
“I know you like me,” she sneered, following up with your name, which only furthering your mortification. “The morning you woke up that we were sleeping on the couch, I was awake too. I know you tried to leave, but you couldn’t do it, could you?” she continuously mocked you. You opened your mouth in an attempt to explain yourself only to let pure gibberish escape your lips. But Rainbow Dash seemed to still retain her ability to speak. With a grin on her face, she said, “Well, that and your wings say the same thing.” she jeered. Again, you tried to say something, but you only humiliated yourself further by not being able to speak. She just giggled and pressed her lips against yours once more.
You didn’t feel the need to tell her that her wings were doing a perfect imitation of your own.
*This is the version of Chapter XXI that does not contain any acts that may be considered mature content. If you would prefer to read the more mature content, you are able to by reading the cheeky version of this chapter.*
You felt your heart nearly beat out of your chest as Rainbow Dash pulled you up to your hooves. Your face felt incredibly flushed and it was obvious that Rainbow Dash has noticed.
"I guess this must be the highlight of your day, huh?” she taunted and buried her muzzle into your neck. As she lightly nipped your neck, you unwillingly released concise sighs of pleasure. However, the entirety of her actions were only making you more uncomfortable with every passing second. Suddenly, she pulled away, having left you disappointed and slightly relieved. But it was blatantly clear that she was not yet finished with you, as she still held your hoof in hers. That, and her facial expression created a distinct message of her intentions.
"We've had a long day, right? Whadaya say we hop into bed?" she condescendingly asked. Although you didn’t exactly know by what she meant when she said “we,” sleep was something that you would definitely have taken advantage of. It would've provided you with an escape so that you could’ve evaluate today's events. Although still somewhat vexed, you managed to reply.
"Y-yes, I'd like to go to sleep now."
She simply giggled at your response, no doubt because of the shakiness in your voice. Still having a firm grasp on your hoof, she began to lead you up her stairs. It was then that you suddenly realized what she had meant by "we.” You planted your hooves in the ground and pulled back from Rainbow Dash from what you thought was bound to be the inevitable. As soon as she felt your hoof release her grip, she immediately reacted.
"Hey, what's the matter? Aren’t you tired?" she asked, with a hint of disappointment noticeable in her voice. Quickly, you replied, "Y-yes, I am. I'll j-just sleep down here t-tonight. You can sleep in your bed!" When she sighed, you knew that she would not leave you be.
"What? Don't be crazy, there’s plenty of room for the both of us," she reassured you. However, her reassuring tone seemed rather unnerving to you. She slowly trotted over to you and took a hold of your hood once more. At this point, you found it easier to accept it, for you knew this was not a fight you'd win.
It was also one you didn't wish to win.
As Rainbow Dash lead you through the corridor of the hallway, your mind was rampant with various thoughts and emotions. Any ability of being able to focus was drowned out by the sound of your heartbeat. The sporadic, disorganized rhythm was merely a part of what had caused you to become perplexed.
My heart is racing and my hooves are shaking. But... why am I enjoying this? Perhaps I shouldn't question it. Nopony else has ever shown intimacy to me before. Maybe this is what the feeling is like. It's a hesitant feeling of pleasure...
"Well, what are ya waiting for? An invitation?"
Her voice pulled you back into reality as it had done so many times before. Before you was Rainbow Dash half-way underneath the blanket, who suggestively patted the space next to her. You warily trotted over to the opposite side of the bed, and slowly lifted the sheet. As you climbed in, you made sure to keep plenty of distance between the two of you. However, Rainbow Dash was there to make sure your plans failed.
"What do you think you're doing? You're gonna fall off the bed if you sleep on the edge."
Hoping to diffuse the imminent conversation that was bound to spawn, you quickly spat out, "I'm fine." After you finished your sentence, you heard Rainbow Dash shuffling about. Your hopes that she was simply readjusting herself were destroyed when she turned you over to press her lips against yours. Unlike last time, she kept her eyes open and stared into yours. Having forced to keep eye-contact had not done any justice to your composure, as you felt your wings spring open once more. As soon as Rainbow Dash broke contact with you, she commented on their state.
"Jeez, anything will set 'em off, huh?" she mocked, only further humiliating you. She noticed what her remark had done, as you turned your head away in shame.
"Hey, I'm only teasing. Look, I know you've never had a fillyfriend before, or maybe even shared a bed before. But this is how it is. You don't have to feel embarrassed around me. Besides, don't tell me ya don't like it," she taunted once more. You opened your mouth to respond, but having done so only left you open for another attack by Rainbow Dash.
As she pushed her lips further down this time, you felt your muzzle heat up in an instant. Having caught you by surprise, your eyes were wide open, while she had shut hers. However, after a few seconds of holding the kiss, your eyelids lazily fall halfway across your eyes, and a moan escaped you for Rainbow Dash to hear. Finally, she released you and began to giggle at the noticeable blush across your muzzle.
"Have I ever told you how cute you look with that look on your face?" she sneered. Again, it seemed she only stated these remarks to mortify you. Without your consent, she coiled her hoof around your neck and began to slowly drag you closer to the middle of the bed. You did not resist, for you couldn't. She had infatuated you, and you had no problems with it.
"I bet you never felt that good before, huh?" she asked, seemingly proud that she managed to make you feel so exhilarated. She had whisked you away and overloaded your senses with pleasure. At this point, you were completely exhausted and you hoped that Rainbow Dash took note of that. Without warning, Rainbow Dash moved away from your near-numb body, jumped off the bed, and reached for something in her closet.
You were about to say something, but whatever thought was in your head was immediately pushed aside as you noticed the cyan Pegasus putting on a black mask that only left holes for her eyes and her muzzle.
Rainbow Dash looked at you suggestively. “Let’s get started for real this time. Are you ready for round two?” The blue Pegasus said as she jumped back on the bed and pinned you down, kissing you violently.
This kiss was different from all the other ones. It felt like a fight: a fight that you were losing. Instead of the tongue-probing that she incorporated earlier, she now took turns in biting your lips, and even tried to get a nip at your tongue. You pulled her off your chest in order to stop the assault. “Rainbow Dash... what... what are you doing?” You asked the Pegasus mare desperately, who now looked more like a burglar than the Rainbow Dash you had grown used to, which made you very uncomfortable.
“Come on, I know you like it!” Rainbow Dash blurted angrily.
Without a second thought, you rolled off the bed and fell on the soft floor next to you. Rainbow’s face contorted into a frown as she saw that you were trying to get away from her. You backed towards the door and watched in horror as you saw her reach into the same closet to pull something out. You didn’t wait to see what it was, however. You reached to the doorknob with the intention of escaping, but suddenly, a sharp, distinct noise invaded your ears.
You froze as you realized what Rainbow Dash was holding. It was a knife. A standard kitchen knife, the type that could be found in most households. The blade glistened in the moonlight that came from the window.
“Alright, now we’re ready to get started!” Rainbow Dash said with enthusiasm. Again, the acute whining appeared again.
You didn’t need any more convincing. Whatever she planned to do with the knife would not end well. You swung the door open as fast as you could and bolted out the door, not daring to look back.
“YOU’RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE LIKE THIS!” Rainbow Dash shouted from behind you. Your heart was now beating like the heart of a rabbit. You didn’t even take time to find a window, you just flew straight into the wall, thankfully coming out on the other side unharmed. Your problems were nowhere near over, however, as you noticed Rainbow Dash bolting towards you at a frightening speed. Seeing no other possibilities available to you, you let gravity pull you down towards the Earth, narrowly avoiding collision with the insane Pegasus mare.
You bolted down towards the Earth, trying to gain as much speed as you possibly could. You took a glimpse behind you, revealing Rainbow Dash gaining on you quickly.. You saw her shout something at you, but it was rendered completely inaudible by the noise of the wind around you. You suddenly remembered that you were flying downwards insanely fast, so you figured it was a good idea to look straight forward.
I’m about to hit the ground, I need to pull up! The command sent by your brain apparently didn’t reach your wings, as you were still plummeting towards the ground. Even worse, you could now hear Rainbow’s shouts behind you.
No matter how hard you tried, your wings wouldn’t budge. Is this how it’s going to end? Just as I was making progress, is this how it’ll all end?
You felt a tugging at your tail. Rainbow Dash had caught up with you. Still falling down, she turned you over with the knife ready in her hoof. The once sympathetic look in her eyes was now replaced with the look of a vicious killer. She brought the blade down and all you saw was darkness.
You found yourself covered in cold sweat. On the verge of hyperventilating, you noticed you were lying on a bed with a sleeping Rainbow Dash cuddled up beside you. It seemed that you now had time to focus on a thought, as you weren’t being bombarded by waves of euphoria.
What the hell was that? She tried to kill me! No, no. It was just a dream. No, a nightmare. But... it felt so real. No, it was just a fantasy... for the most part.
You heard Rainbow Dash beginning to stir and you turned to face her. She propped herself up on her leg and lazily smiled at you. She closed the distance between you and kissed your lips. You felt flushed, but you were able to keep your wings from being spread open, saving yourself another moment of embarrassment.
Alright, so it was not just a fantasy.
"You fell asleep after we finished," she announced.
Unsure of what she had meant, you asked, "What do you mean, 'after we finished?’”
She brought her free hoof up and poked you in the chest, saying, "After the massage, remember? You fell asleep right after you finished." Although you couldn't recall the memory, your dream was rather vivid and detailed. Simply recalling it was enough to spark the same tingling feeling within your wings. You noticed Rainbow Dash tilt her head to the side towards a clock on the nightstand next to the bed. It was far too dark for you to have read, but it seemed that Rainbow Dash was able to.
"What are you doing up so early?" she yawned. "Go back to bed," she said as she pulled the blanket over her.
I need to concentrate. This dream... It was trying to tell me something, I know it was!
Under the blanket, Rainbow Dash's hoof came up and pull you closer to her; close enough to your muzzle to rub against her cheek. You knew you wouldn't be able to concentrate now, especially since you were focusing on keeping your wings closed. After a few minutes passed, your aroused thoughts dispersed and you were once again able to focus, to some extent.
The dream. Rainbow Dash tried to kill me... What does that mean?
Your thoughts were once again dismissed when Rainbow Dash adjusted herself. Unable to keep attention to your thoughts, you were suddenly struck with an idea. Not wanting to waste any time, you lifted yourself from the bed but Rainbow Dash held on to one of your hooves.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to take a shower," you answered, waiting for her to release your hoof. As her grip loosened, you landed on your hooves and promptly left the room. While you made your way down the stairs, you stretched your wings and cracked your neck. Seeing as it was not quite yet morning, you were cautious while navigating the room. You've been in this area plenty of times to have developed a mental map. With haste, you entered the bathroom, finally having a moment of serenity for yourself. As you turned the water on, you entered the tub and felt the warm stream of water hit your mane.
Finally. A moment of silence and peace. I still can't understand what the dream was attempting to tell me. Rainbow Dash was dressed up as a burglar and she attacked me with a knife. What does it mean? And before that... Before I fell asleep...She...
Just the mere thought of the dream caused your wings to spread wide open after having kept them secured for so long. You let out a sigh as the water began pouring down onto your wings, cleansing them of the grime you've collected over the past day or so. Not to mention the recently-accumulated sweat.
Focus, dammit. Maybe it was just my consciousness trying to turn her against me again. No, it has to be more than that. There has to be more than just that.
Focusing solely by instinct, you reached for the bottle of shampoo. You squeezed a generous amount onto your hooves but the scent caught your attention. It was familiar, the scent of rain and freshwater springs. You did your best to look past the scent and applied it to your mane, scrubbing and lathering. As you washed the soap out of your mane, an idea had suddenly struck you. You knew who would be able to determine the meaning of your dream.
Sigmund! He would know. He'd know what my dream had meant to tell me.
Having realized your way of interpreting the dream, you quickly turned off the shower and exited the tub. You shook yourself to displace any water still dripping from your coat. After grabbing the nearest towel and swiftly drying yourself, you exited the washroom. As the steam escaped into the room, you felt refreshed and invigorated once more. The flight to Manehattan might not be as dreadful as you presumed.
It's still early, but by the time I arrive at Sigmund's new hospital, he should be there.
As you made your way towards the door, you felt that something was missing. It wasn't until you opened the door and stared into the dark blue sky and felt the early morning breeze upon your damp coat that you realized what it was.
What about Rainbow Dash? I can't just leave without telling her. No, the dream is none of her concern. Besides, I wouldn't want her to worry...
Another thought spawned in your mind, which pertained to your saddlebag. Before, Rainbow Dash had you remove your saddlebag which only ended up causing your paranoia to fester. Wanting to avoid that from happening once more, you quickly ran back inside to where your saddlebag was located and slipped it on. Once it was properly secured, you trotted out the door, quietly shut it and took off into the air. Confident that Sigmund would have the answer to your dream, you flew at a steady pace as to not strain yourself.
The light drizzle of the rain that began as you entered Manehattan did little to slow you down. Flying into the city, you slowly lowered your altitude as you saw no other ponies flying around: the last thing you wanted to do was attract attention to yourself. You kept your quickened pace as you took the route to Sigmund's new venue.
Sigmund, Rainbow Dash tried to kill me in my dream... No, that's far too blunt. I have to be subtle about this. But it's Sigmund. I can trust him. Maybe I should just tell him. There's no need to be secretive about this.
After a few more minutes of flying, you finally reached the new hospital, bearing the name Manehattan Medical & Psychiatric Institution in red, glowing letters: the dreary weather made them seem brighter than they normally would be. As you landed halfway up the steps, you slowly made your way up to the glass doors. There was a bit of a ridge above the doors, presumably to prevent rain from gathering at the doorway. Now being shielded from the rain, you firmly shook yourself to remove any droplets of water that had hung on to you. Luckily for you, the rain wasn't too heavy. As you pushed the glass door open, the cold breeze of the lobby quickly fell upon you. The smell of antiseptics was all too familiar; you had practically became accustomed to it in the old hospital. As you made your way to the receptionists' desk, you couldn't help but notice that the previous mare who you had spoken to before was no longer there. However, that wasn't going to make speaking with this new mare any easier.
As you approached the desk, your throat began closing up but you quickly cleared it and said, "I need to see D-doctor Sigmund." The brown-maned mare shot a smile at you, perhaps in an attempt to change your expression. However, only the retrieval of your memory had accomplished that, and it had done so briefly. She brought up a clipboard and began to scan it. After a few seconds, her smile slowly faded as she said, "Hmm, Doctor Sigmund's currently in a meeting. Do you have an appointment with him?" Now somewhat discouraged that you couldn't see Sigmund this instant, you became even more nervous. It suddenly began to feel that everypony in the lobby was staring at you; all four of them. As you attempted to gather some confidence, you spat out, "Look, j-just tell Sigmund that..." You whispered your name in anxiety and continued."Wants to speak with him... I’m an old pa-patient of his." you finished.
The mare immediately replied, "Will do! Please take a seat over there," as she motioned to the seating area, "I'll call you when he's available." Hesitantly, you made your way to the cluster of chairs, benches, and pillows and chose the seat furthest from anypony else. Unfortunately, to your dismay, a mare walked over to the seating area and took the seat right next to yours. You cursed under your breath as she took her seat and attempted to maintain your composure.
Just look forward and wait. Keep looking forward, and keep your mind blank... Sigmund better hurry with his damn meeting.
Minutes passed and you heard nothing from the mare at the receptionists' desk. You started to become both impatient and agitated, but you figured that it could be worse.
I could be standing outside in the rain, getting drenched and practically submerged in rainwater... Or I could still be in bed with Rainbow Dash, next to her warm-
"Excuse me?"
As you were snapped out of your somewhat suggestive thoughts, you realized that it was the mare seated directly next to you that had spoken.
Nevermind. This is as bad as it gets.
"Could you pass me the Mare's Health magazine please?" she asked as she pointed towards the magazines scattered across the table before you. Although you were still rather anxious, you quickly did as she asked to prevent any further communication. She thanked you as you gave it to her, ending the brief conversation between the two of you. The awkward silence that usually came after a conversation for you soon settled and you were now much more anxious to meet with Sigmund. As you kept your vision focused on the rain outside, you heard the mare beside you put down the magazine. You were afraid that she would try once more to spark a conversation with you. Although, the announcement of your name quickly made you realized that you were being called to the receptionists' desk. You quickly lifted yourself up from your seat and trotted over to the mare behind the desk.
"Doctor Sigmund will see you now," she said as she ended her statement with your name. Without any hesitation, you began to make your way to his office. You were able to remember the route you had taken last time.
Just down the hall, to the left. Second door down.
As you walked down the corridor, you finally reached his office. His door was slightly ajar, so you firmly pushed the door open to see Sigmund writing in what you could only presume it to be a notebook of his. Without looking up, he greets you.
"Hello," he began, stating your name, "This was a surprise. I believe there is still a couple of days before your scheduled visit. Have you forgotten, or is this another pressing matter that you wish to discuss?"
You simply responded with, "The latter." As you shut the door behind you, you trotted over and took a seat in one of the chairs adjacent to Sigmund's desk. After you sat yourself down, Sigmund dropped his pencil and turned his attention towards you.
"Very well then. What is it you would like to talk about?" he questioned.
"It's about a..."
Suddenly, you stopped and were unable to continue. This was your chance to tell Sigmund about the dream you had last night but you couldn't. You froze up, powerless to speak. Your mouth hung open with nothing being said. Sigmund took the opportunity to speak.
"About what? Please, do not feel afraid to tell me anything you wish to speak about."
A lump formed in your throat as your mouth became dry. As you looked up towards Sigmund, you saw him clicking his hooves together as he waited for you to proceed. In an attempt to calm yourself, you took in a deep breath of air and quickly exhaled. Once you had gathered your thoughts, it became clear why you couldn't tell Sigmund about your dream.
Rainbow Dash... I can't betray her. I can't betray her trust. If I tell Sigmund that she murdered me in my dreams, I would be alienating her. Turning her into a scapegoat for my nightmares. Sigmund would believe that she's hindering my progress. But... if I don't tell Sigmund, I'd be betraying his trust. Ah, damn it all!
"Sigmund, I..." you began. He seemingly became much more attentive than before, as he slowly leaned in closer. Again, you forced yourself to breathe in and out again before continuing. You had to make a choice as to who you placed your trust in more; the pony who's tried to help you for nearly your entire life, or the mare you've fallen for. Having one of them sit right before you did not make it any easier for you to decide either.
"I've recovered a memory."
You had chosen Rainbow Dash.
Sigmund's eyes shoot open as he realized what you had just admitted. "A memory?" he asked. "A repressed memory?!" he asked once more. He quickly rummaged through his drawers and pulled out, what seemed to be, a worn-out notebook. He flipped to the end of the book, and prepared himself to write down whatever you would say next. He slammed the drawer shut and motioned with his hooves for you to continue.
"Well... I can't say for sure how long ago it was... Or how old I was. I know that, in the memory, I was young. Very young. And... somepony who I believe was a friend of mine."
Sigmund quickly scribbled down your words too quickly, it seemed. How he would be able to read it later was a mystery. Nevertheless, you continued to retell your memory to Sigmund, carefully choosing your words as to not reveal too much.
"These two colts, most likely my age, were taunting her. So, I... told them to leave."
Sigmund chuckled and said, "That was quite altruistic of you. Anyway, please, continue." You brushed Sigmund's remark away, and proceeded again.
"She told me her name and I told her mine..."
"What was her name?"
Sigmund's question had caught you off-guard. His sudden interest in Rainbow Dash's name was unsettling. Without giving it much thought, you responded.
"Her name... Well, uhm... I can't remember."
Liar.
Sigmund kept writing, or rather scribbling for a few more moments before asking another question. This meeting was starting to become more of an interrogation with every question that Sigmund asked.
"And, how do you know that this was a memory, and not just a dream?"
Sigmund's question had left you uncertain about the validity of your memory. You were sure that your memory was actually of an event that had occurred, but you were unsure as to how to prove that to Sigmund.
I can't tell him that Rainbow Dash was able to confirm it either. He might start asking more and more about her.
"The memory just... felt familiar. That is how I know," you responded, as you attempted to keep your bold tone. Sigmund moved back to his journal and continued to scribble down notes. After a few more seconds, he began again.
"And what brought upon this resurfacing of your memory?" he questioned.
Again, you would have to lie in order to protect Rainbow Dash. As you took a few seconds to think of reply, Sigmund prepared himself to take note of whatever you would say.
"I'm not exactly sure. I saw something that I believed I might have seen before, and the memory just spawned.
As he had done before, Sigmund wrote down what you said, or rather lied about, and dropped his pencil once he had finished. He studied the notes he had taken before him and proceeded to stand up. He rubbed his chin before he began to speak.
"Well, it seems that you've finally been able to recover a memory. As you yourself have most likely realized, this is a huge advancement towards your recovery. Although we cannot currently verify if the memory is actually real or not, I find it rather unlikely that you would have begun to create false memories. If that were the case, that would have begun much earlier. Some stimulus, that you might or might not have been able to identify sparked this remembrance of your memory. Of course, I suggest to subjecting yourself to this stimuli again, whatever it was. However, I will advise you again to be careful. As we've discussed before, there is the possibility that the, bombardment if you will, of memories might produce negative feelings and emotions, due to the fact that we're not sure what your past holds. Tell me, what did you think of recovering this memory? Did you find it pleasant?"
I'm not confident that 'pleasant' is the proper word here.
“I suppose it was. Obtaining the memory made me somewhat elated, but I cannot say that the process I went through to recover the memory was,” you explained. Instantly, Sigmund began his response.
"Hmm, so you did not recover this memory within a dream? Then, if you will allow me to make an assumption, you recaptured this memory through a flashback, yes? You relived the memory, so to speak?"
You nodded and replied, "Yes, something of that nature I believe."
"Then, I encourage you to further unlock your memories through this process."
Before Sigmund could continue, a light 'beeping' noise could be heard which came from an alarm on his desk. He shifted a few papers around and picked up what seemed to be a clipboard. He muttered something to himself before turning his attention back towards you.
"I must apologize," he said, "but it seems I have other pressing matters to attend to. I wish we could continue to discuss this, but I am afraid I must leave this instant." He proceeded towards the door as you stood up from the chair. He opened to the door to leave and asked you, "You know where the exit is, correct?" You nodded and he spoke once more.
"Good. Again, do not hesitate to visit me if for any reason whatsoever. Until next time," ending his response with your name. He walked past the door and has left you behind in his room. With a deep sigh full of guilt and regret, you exited his office and made your way towards the entrance of the hospital, with hope that you wouldn't have to participate in any more conversations with anypony inside the hospital. As you walked out of the building and into the light spring showers, you spread open your wings and took off, returning to the small town who's name escaped you yet again.
*This is the version of Chapter XXI that may have some adult themes. While it does not include sex, it includes acts that would be described of as foreplay. If you would prefer to skip this, you are able to by reading the clean version of this chapter without fear of missing anything integral to the story. The rating was decided using Sensual Fiction General's rating guide.*
You felt your heart nearly beat out of your chest as Rainbow Dash pulled you up to your hooves. Your face felt incredibly flushed and it was obvious that Rainbow Dash has noticed.
"I guess this must be the highlight of your day, huh?” she taunted and buried her muzzle into your neck. As she lightly nipped your neck, you unwillingly released concise sighs of pleasure. However, the entirety of her actions were only making you more uncomfortable with every passing second. Suddenly, she pulled away, having left you disappointed and slightly relieved. But it was blatantly clear that she was not yet finished with you, as she still held your hoof in hers. That, and her facial expression created a distinct message of her intentions.
"We've had a long day, right? Whadaya say we hop into bed?" she condescendingly asked. Although you didn’t exactly know by what she meant when she said “we,” sleep was something that you would definitely have taken advantage of. It would've provided you with an escape so that you could’ve evaluate today's events. Although still somewhat vexed, you managed to reply.
"Y-yes, I'd like to go to sleep now."
She simply giggled at your response, no doubt because of the shakiness in your voice. Still having a firm grasp on your hoof, she began to lead you up her stairs. It was then that you suddenly realized what she had meant by "we.” You planted your hooves in the ground and pulled back from Rainbow Dash from what you thought was bound to be the inevitable. As soon as she felt your hoof release her grip, she immediately reacted.
"Hey, what's the matter? Aren’t you tired?" she asked, with a hint of disappointment noticeable in her voice. Quickly, you replied, "Y-yes, I am. I'll j-just sleep down here t-tonight. You can sleep in your bed!" When she sighed, you knew that she would not leave you be.
"What? Don't be crazy, there’s plenty of room for the both of us," she reassured you. However, her reassuring tone seemed rather unnerving to you. She slowly trotted over to you and took a hold of your hoof once more. At this point, you found it easier to accept it, for you knew this was not a fight you'd win.
It was also one you didn't wish to win.
As Rainbow Dash lead you through the corridor of the hallway, your mind was rampant with various thoughts and emotions. Any ability of being able to focus was drowned out by the sound of your heartbeat. The sporadic, disorganized rhythm was merely a part of what had caused you to become perplexed.
My heart is racing and my hooves are shaking. But... why am I enjoying this? Perhaps I shouldn't question it. Nopony else has ever shown intimacy to me before. Maybe this is what the feeling is like. It's a hesitant feeling of pleasure...
"Well, what are ya waiting for? An invitation?"
Her voice pulled you back into reality as it had done so many times before. Before you was Rainbow Dash half-way underneath the blanket, who suggestively patted the space next to her. You warily trotted over to the opposite side of the bed, and slowly lifted the sheet. As you climbed in, you made sure to keep plenty of distance between the two of you. However, Rainbow Dash was there to make sure your plans failed.
"What do you think you're doing? You're gonna fall off the bed if you sleep on the edge."
Hoping to diffuse the imminent conversation that was bound to spawn, you quickly spat out, "I'm fine." After you finished your sentence, you heard Rainbow Dash shuffling about. Your hopes that she was simply readjusting herself were destroyed when she turned you over to press her lips against yours. Unlike last time, she kept her eyes open and stared into yours. Having forced to keep eye-contact had not done any justice to your composure, as you felt your wings spring open once more. As soon as Rainbow Dash broke contact with you, she commented on their state.
"Jeez, anything will set 'em off, huh?" she mocked, only further humiliating you. She noticed what her remark had done, as you turned your head away in shame.
"Hey, I'm only teasing. Look, I know you've never had a fillyfriend before, or maybe even shared a bed before. But this is how it is. You don't have to feel embarrassed around me. Besides, don't tell me ya don't like it," she taunted once more. You opened your mouth to respond, but having done so only left you open for another attack by Rainbow Dash.
As she pushed her lips further down this time, you felt your muzzle heat up in an instant. Having caught you by surprise, your eyes were wide open, while she had shut hers. However, after a few seconds of holding the kiss, your eyelids lazily fall halfway across your eyes, and a moan escaped you for Rainbow Dash to hear. Finally, she released you and began to giggle at the noticeable blush across your muzzle.
"Have I ever told you how cute you look with that look on your face?" she sneered. Again, it seemed she only stated these remarks to mortify you. Without your consent, she coiled her hoof around your neck and began to slowly drag you closer to the middle of the bed. You did not resist, for you couldn't. She had infatuated you, and you had no problems with it.
“So are you actually tired, or do you wanna fool around a bit?” she asked in an alluring tone. She began running her hoof down your chest, applying pressure with every few strides. Unsure of the term, you timidly parroted her.
“F-fool around?”
Rainbow Dash snickered and moved her hoof to towards your cheek; the same one she attacked earlier. She brought her other hoof around your neck and started advancing towards your lips again. Anticipating another kiss, you prepared yourself for the moment. As she placed her lips on you again, another rush of ecstasy spawned from your mouth. However, you felt something different this time around. You felt a strange prodding sensation at the inside of your mouth. You could only assume that it was her tongue.
As she slipped her tongue in between your lips, it became acquainted with yours. What started as playful tussling soon became wrestling, although Rainbow Dash did most of the work. You simply let her have her way with you; you were in no position to object. As the seconds stretched out, you were forced to breathe through your nose. After a couple more seconds, you needed to pull away to replenish your air. You brought your hooves up onto Rainbow Dash and forced her to release you, ending the kiss with a pop. You began to gasp for air, in unison with Rainbow Dash. As the two of you parted, a small strand of saliva snapped away.
“Say,” Rainbow Dash panted, “you’re... pretty good.” Since she rested on top of you, you noticed how her own wings were emulating yours; fully spread out. Beads of sweat began to form on your brow from the heat that was produced from your two bodies. As Rainbow Dash craned her neck, her mane covered her face. You took in a breath of air through your nose and caught the scent of her mane. It smelled of rain and a freshwater spring. It was intoxicating.
“Get on your stomach,” she commanded as she lifted herself off your chest. Still overwhelmed by the passionate kiss she shared with you, you did as she demanded. If she continued in the same fashion as she has before, you were bound to find a form of reluctant joy. You clumsily turned over as your wings brushed the sides of the bed. As you positioned yourself onto your stomach, you felt Rainbow Dash climb onto your back, placing herself right below your wings and connecting her waist with your back. Out of your peripheral vision, you could barely see that she was dubiously grinning. You saw her ease closer to your face, but stopped short. She placed her mouth close to your ear, and whispered into it.
“Ready for the time of your life?” she asked under her breath as she placed her hoof at the base of your back, teasing and causing you to involuntarily gasp. She lifted her hoof and placed it on the bed to gain better leverage and blew into your ear. She continued to torment you by gently nibbling on the tip of your ear before moving her hooves on your neck. Her hooves started to slide around your neck, creating and spreading euphoria throughout your body. When she applied more pressure and began to act a bit rougher, your breath became short and intermittent. Without warning, she quickly shifted her hooves back to the base of your wings and began massaging it. You trembled at her touch and grunted, which only caused Rainbow Dash to smirk and speed up. With every stroke, your breath became shorter but she stopped without warning, only further torturing you. Now panting, you turned your head to see why she had stopped. But her hoof pushed your head back onto the bed.
“Just relax. I’m trying to make this last,” she cooed, as you felt her place her lips on your neck again. She playfully nipped it and proceeded to place a few kisses down your neck. Soon, she returned back to her previous position, and placed her hooves back onto your back. You shuddered, anticipating her touch once more. She goaded you once more by flicking the tip of your wings, which were now much more sensitive than before. As she did so, you craned your neck upwards in a physical response, and moaned rather loudly. Rainbow Dash chuckled and heckled you.
“Excited, huh?” she mocked. She placed her hooves on your wings once more but your reaction wasn’t as strong this time; you were able to control yourself to some extent. She began with slow, long strides that sent signals of ecstasy through your spine. She continued this for some time, with a low, primal groan replacing your every breath. Eventually, she spoke up once more.
“You want me to go faster?” she asked. Already in a state of bliss, you couldn’t stand to go so slow. In between breaths, you spat out the word, “Y-yes...” However, she continued at the same pace. With your eyelids halfway down, you turned to face her once more. She still carried a smug look across her face.
“I wanna hear you say it. Say you want me to go faster.”
Her request baffled you. She had actually expected you to beg for her to speed up. But the feeling was simply overwhelming. No matter how humiliated you felt, you couldn’t bare to have her go at the same pace. Having no choice, you were forced to give in to her request.
“P-please...” you begged. However, Rainbow Dash wouldn’t give you what you wanted so easily.
“Please what?” she quickly asked. You realized that she was taking in her own form of pleasure in making you feel as uncomfortable as possible. But again, the sensation was overwhelming and you longed for more.
“Ple-ease... go f-faster,” you spat out in between breaths. You felt pathetic asking for Rainbow Dash to satisfy your primal urges but you couldn’t resist it. Yet, she continued at the same speed. Now annoyed and humiliated you tried to speak, but Rainbow Dash was quicker.
“Louder.” she demanded. Tired of her games, you found it easier to give in to her proposal.
“Please... Faster,” you quickly tried to exclaim.
“Again. Louder.” she repeated, unsatisfied with your attempt. Her idea of a joke was now torturing you. It even began to feel as if she was slowing down. Having reached your limit, you practically shouted.
“Please! Faster, Rainbow Dash!” you begged in one short breath. You heard her snicker and finally began to speed up her pace. No matter how mortified you felt, that humiliation was quickly replaced by the sensation of Rainbow Dash’s touch. As she sped up, so did your breathing pattern. Your moans were much more audible now, and you began to feel a tingling sensation spawning in the base of your wings. You closed your eyes and rested your head on the pillow, basking in the blissful feeling. As hard as you tried to suppress it, a whinney escaped your lips which only encouraged Rainbow Dash to speed up even faster. Another feeling started to form in the roots of your wing; it was unlike the feeling you felt in your base of your wings. This one was more charged and powerful, almost like a building pressure.
As Rainbow Dash continued, your mane became damp, mostly from the sweat it had absorbed. The same dampness began forming on your wings, which Rainbow Dash had only taken advantage of. As the pressure built even higher, your eyes began to unintentionally cross, and your moans became even louder. You suddenly felt a breaking point that the pressure was close to reaching. Uncertain of what would occur, you tried to have Rainbow Dash slow down at the very least. However, your breath made sure that you couldn’t get your point across.
“R-rain... Rainbow... Daaaaash...”
She took your moans as a sign to speed up even more. Now a mixture of pain and pleasure, she stroked your wings furiously, trying to push you over the edge. Now only a couple of strokes from passing the breaking point, your moans turned into grunts and you let your mouth hang open. The tingling feeling that was once focused in the base spread through your wings which were as stiff as ever, and the pressure began pulsating like a wave, building up with every stroke. As you crept closer and closer to your limit, your breath became shorter with every inhale. And with the final stride, Rainbow Dash met both her hooves at your base of your wings and rubbed it vigorously. It was that final act that sent an electrical-like wave of euphoria throughout your entire body.
As waves of pleasure traveled up your spine and spread through your body, your mind was overflowed with the sensation. The sensual waves slowly died down and your wings became limp and fell to their sides. You tried to catch your breath but it seemed to constantly escape you. Your wings finally folded back into place and Rainbow Dash removed herself from your back. As your breathing pattern finally returned to normal, you opened your eyes to see a giddy Rainbow Dash lying right next to you, smiling. She leaned in closer to shared a short kiss with you, much more brief than her previous embraces.
"I bet you never felt that good before, huh?" she asked, seemingly proud that she managed to make you feel so exhilarated. At this point, you were completely exhausted and you hoped that Rainbow Dash took note of that. Without warning, Rainbow Dash moved away from your near-numb body, jumped off the bed, and reached for something in her closet.
You were about to say something, but whatever thought was in your head was immediately pushed aside as you noticed the cyan Pegasus putting on a black mask that only left holes for her eyes and her muzzle.
Rainbow Dash looked at you suggestively. “Let’s get started for real this time. Are you ready for round two?” The blue Pegasus said as she jumped back on the bed and pinned you down, kissing you violently.
This kiss was different from all the other ones. It felt like a fight: a fight that you were losing. Instead of the tongue-probing that she incorporated earlier, she now took turns in biting your lips, and even tried to get a nip at your tongue. You pulled her off your chest in order to stop the assault. “Rainbow Dash... what... what are you doing?” You asked the Pegasus mare desperately, who now looked more like a burglar than the Rainbow Dash you had grown used to, which made you very uncomfortable.
“Come on, I know you like it!” Rainbow Dash blurted angrily.
Without a second thought, you rolled off the bed and fell on the soft floor next to you. Rainbow’s face contorted into a frown as she saw that you were trying to get away from her. You backed towards the door and watched in horror as you saw her reach into the same closet to pull something out. You didn’t wait to see what it was, however. You reached to the doorknob with the intention of escaping, but suddenly, a sharp, distinct noise invaded your ears.
You froze as you realized what Rainbow Dash was holding. It was a knife. A standard kitchen knife, the type that could be found in most households. The blade glistened in the moonlight that came from the window.
“Alright, now we’re ready to get started!” Rainbow Dash said with enthusiasm. Again, the acute whining appeared again.
You didn’t need any more convincing. Whatever she planned to do with the knife would not end well. You swung the door open as fast as you could and bolted out the door, not daring to look back.
“YOU’RE NOT LEAVING ME ALONE LIKE THIS!” Rainbow Dash shouted from behind you. Your heart was now beating like the heart of a rabbit. You didn’t even take time to find a window, you just flew straight into the wall, thankfully coming out on the other side unharmed. Your problems were nowhere near over, however, as you noticed Rainbow Dash bolting towards you at a frightening speed. Seeing no other possibilities available to you, you let gravity pull you down towards the Earth, narrowly avoiding collision with the insane Pegasus mare.
You bolted down towards the Earth, trying to gain as much speed as you possibly could. You took a glimpse behind you, revealing Rainbow Dash gaining on you quickly.. You saw her shout something at you, but it was rendered completely inaudible by the noise of the wind around you. You suddenly remembered that you were flying downwards insanely fast, so you figured it was a good idea to look straight forward.
I’m about to hit the ground, I need to pull up! The command sent by your brain apparently didn’t reach your wings, as you were still plummeting towards the ground. Even worse, you could now hear Rainbow’s shouts behind you.
No matter how hard you tried, your wings wouldn’t budge. Is this how it’s going to end? Just as I was making progress, is this how it’ll all end?
You felt a tugging at your tail. Rainbow Dash had caught up with you. Still falling down, she turned you over with the knife ready in her hoof. The once sympathetic look in her eyes was now replaced with the look of a vicious killer. She brought the blade down and all you saw was darkness.
You found yourself covered in cold sweat. On the verge of hyperventilating, you noticed you were lying on a bed with a sleeping Rainbow Dash cuddled up beside you. It seemed that you now had time to focus on a thought, as you weren’t being bombarded by waves of euphoria.
What the hell was that? She tried to kill me! No, no. It was just a dream. No, a nightmare. But... it felt so real. No, it was just a fantasy... for the most part.
You heard Rainbow Dash beginning to stir and you turned to face her. She propped herself up on her leg and lazily smiled at you. She closed the distance between you and kissed your lips. You felt flushed, but you were able to keep your wings from being spread open, saving yourself another moment of embarrassment.
Alright, so it was not just a fantasy.
"You fell asleep after we finished," she announced.
Unsure of what she had meant, you asked, "What do you mean, 'after we finished?’”
She brought her free hoof up and poked you in the chest, saying, "After the massage, remember? You fell asleep right after you finished." Although you couldn't recall the memory, your dream was rather vivid and detailed. Simply recalling it was enough to spark the same tingling feeling within your wings. You noticed Rainbow Dash tilt her head to the side towards a clock on the nightstand next to the bed. It was far too dark for you to have read, but it seemed that Rainbow Dash was able to.
"What are you doing up so early?" she yawned. "Go back to bed," she said as she pulled the blanket over her.
I need to concentrate. This dream... It was trying to tell me something, I know it was!
Under the blanket, Rainbow Dash's hoof came up and pull you closer to her; close enough to your muzzle to rub against her cheek. You knew you wouldn't be able to concentrate now, especially since you were focusing on keeping your wings closed. After a few minutes passed, your aroused thoughts dispersed and you were once again able to focus, to some extent.
The dream. Rainbow Dash tried to kill me... What does that mean?
Your thoughts were once again dismissed when Rainbow Dash adjusted herself. Unable to keep attention to your thoughts, you were suddenly struck with an idea. Not wanting to waste any time, you lifted yourself from the bed but Rainbow Dash held on to one of your hooves.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to take a shower," you answered, waiting for her to release your hoof. As her grip loosened, you landed on your hooves and promptly left the room. While you made your way down the stairs, you stretched your wings and cracked your neck. Seeing as it was not quite yet morning, you were cautious while navigating the room. You've been in this area plenty of times to have developed a mental map. With haste, you entered the bathroom, finally having a moment of serenity for yourself. As you turned the water on, you entered the tub and felt the warm stream of water hit your mane.
Finally. A moment of silence and peace. I still can't understand what the dream was attempting to tell me. Rainbow Dash was dressed up as a burglar and she attacked me with a knife. What does it mean? And before that... Before I fell asleep...She...
Just the mere thought of the dream caused your wings to spread wide open after having kept them secured for so long. You let out a sigh as the water began pouring down onto your wings, cleansing them of the grime you've collected over the past day or so. Not to mention the recently-accumulated sweat.
Focus, dammit. Maybe it was just my consciousness trying to turn her against me again. No, it has to be more than that. There has to be more than just that.
Focusing solely by instinct, you reached for the bottle of shampoo. You squeezed a generous amount onto your hooves but the scent caught your attention. It was familiar, the scent of rain and freshwater springs. You did your best to look past the scent and applied it to your mane, scrubbing and lathering. As you washed the soap out of your mane, an idea had suddenly struck you. You knew who would be able to determine the meaning of your dream.
Sigmund! He would know. He'd know what my dream had meant to tell me.
Having realized your way of interpreting the dream, you quickly turned off the shower and exited the tub. You shook yourself to displace any water still dripping from your coat. After grabbing the nearest towel and swiftly drying yourself, you exited the washroom. As the steam escaped into the room, you felt refreshed and invigorated once more. The flight to Manehattan might not be as dreadful as you presumed.
It's still early, but by the time I arrive at Sigmund's new hospital, he should be there.
As you made your way towards the door, you felt that something was missing. It wasn't until you opened the door and stared into the dark blue sky and felt the early morning breeze upon your damp coat that you realized what it was.
What about Rainbow Dash? I can't just leave without telling her. No, the dream is none of her concern. Besides, I wouldn't want her to worry...
Another thought spawned in your mind, which pertained to your saddlebag. Before, Rainbow Dash had you remove your saddlebag which only ended up causing your paranoia to fester. Wanting to avoid that from happening once more, you quickly ran back inside to where your saddlebag was located and slipped it on. Once it was properly secured, you trotted out the door, quietly shut it and took off into the air. Confident that Sigmund would have the answer to your dream, you flew at a steady pace as to not strain yourself.
The light drizzle of the rain that began as you entered Manehattan did little to slow you down. Flying into the city, you slowly lowered your altitude as you saw no other ponies flying around: the last thing you wanted to do was attract attention to yourself. You kept your quickened pace as you took the route to Sigmund's new venue.
Sigmund, Rainbow Dash tried to kill me in my dream... No, that's far too blunt. I have to be subtle about this. But it's Sigmund. I can trust him. Maybe I should just tell him. There's no need to be secretive about this.
After a few more minutes of flying, you finally reached the new hospital, bearing the name Manehattan Medical & Psychiatric Institution in red, glowing letters: the dreary weather made them seem brighter than they normally would be. As you landed halfway up the steps, you slowly made your way up to the glass doors. There was a bit of a ridge above the doors, presumably to prevent rain from gathering at the doorway. Now being shielded from the rain, you firmly shook yourself to remove any droplets of water that had hung on to you. Luckily for you, the rain wasn't too heavy. As you pushed the glass door open, the cold breeze of the lobby quickly fell upon you. The smell of antiseptics was all too familiar; you had practically became accustomed to it in the old hospital. As you made your way to the receptionists' desk, you couldn't help but notice that the previous mare who you had spoken to before was no longer there. However, that wasn't going to make speaking with this new mare any easier.
As you approached the desk, your throat began closing up but you quickly cleared it and said, "I need to see D-doctor Sigmund." The brown-maned mare shot a smile at you, perhaps in an attempt to change your expression. However, only the retrieval of your memory had accomplished that, and it had done so briefly. She brought up a clipboard and began to scan it. After a few seconds, her smile slowly faded as she said, "Hmm, Doctor Sigmund's currently in a meeting. Do you have an appointment with him?" Now somewhat discouraged that you couldn't see Sigmund this instant, you became even more nervous. It suddenly began to feel that everypony in the lobby was staring at you; all four of them. As you attempted to gather some confidence, you spat out, "Look, j-just tell Sigmund that..." You whispered your name in anxiety and continued."Wants to speak with him... I’m an old pa-patient of his." you finished.
The mare immediately replied, "Will do! Please take a seat over there," as she motioned to the seating area, "I'll call you when he's available." Hesitantly, you made your way to the cluster of chairs, benches, and pillows and chose the seat furthest from anypony else. Unfortunately, to your dismay, a mare walked over to the seating area and took the seat right next to yours. You cursed under your breath as she took her seat and attempted to maintain your composure.
Just look forward and wait. Keep looking forward, and keep your mind blank... Sigmund better hurry with his damn meeting.
Minutes passed and you heard nothing from the mare at the receptionists' desk. You started to become both impatient and agitated, but you figured that it could be worse.
I could be standing outside in the rain, getting drenched and practically submerged in rainwater... Or I could still be in bed with Rainbow Dash, next to her warm-
"Excuse me?"
As you were snapped out of your somewhat suggestive thoughts, you realized that it was the mare seated directly next to you that had spoken.
Nevermind. This is as bad as it gets.
"Could you pass me the Mare's Health magazine please?" she asked as she pointed towards the magazines scattered across the table before you. Although you were still rather anxious, you quickly did as she asked to prevent any further communication. She thanked you as you gave it to her, ending the brief conversation between the two of you. The awkward silence that usually came after a conversation for you soon settled and you were now much more anxious to meet with Sigmund. As you kept your vision focused on the rain outside, you heard the mare beside you put down the magazine. You were afraid that she would try once more to spark a conversation with you. Although, the announcement of your name quickly made you realized that you were being called to the receptionists' desk. You quickly lifted yourself up from your seat and trotted over to the mare behind the desk.
"Doctor Sigmund will see you now," she said as she ended her statement with your name. Without any hesitation, you began to make your way to his office. You were able to remember the route you had taken last time.
Just down the hall, to the left. Second door down.
As you walked down the corridor, you finally reached his office. His door was slightly ajar, so you firmly pushed the door open to see Sigmund writing in what you could only presume it to be a notebook of his. Without looking up, he greets you.
"Hello," he began, stating your name, "This was a surprise. I believe there is still a couple of days before your scheduled visit. Have you forgotten, or is this another pressing matter that you wish to discuss?"
You simply responded with, "The latter." As you shut the door behind you, you trotted over and took a seat in one of the chairs adjacent to Sigmund's desk. After you sat yourself down, Sigmund dropped his pencil and turned his attention towards you.
"Very well then. What is it you would like to talk about?" he questioned.
"It's about a..."
Suddenly, you stopped and were unable to continue. This was your chance to tell Sigmund about the dream you had last night but you couldn't. You froze up, powerless to speak. Your mouth hung open with nothing being said. Sigmund took the opportunity to speak.
"About what? Please, do not feel afraid to tell me anything you wish to speak about."
A lump formed in your throat as your mouth became dry. As you looked up towards Sigmund, you saw him clicking his hooves together as he waited for you to proceed. In an attempt to calm yourself, you took in a deep breath of air and quickly exhaled. Once you had gathered your thoughts, it became clear why you couldn't tell Sigmund about your dream.
Rainbow Dash... I can't betray her. I can't betray her trust. If I tell Sigmund that she murdered me in my dreams, I would be alienating her. Turning her into a scapegoat for my nightmares. Sigmund would believe that she's hindering my progress. But... if I don't tell Sigmund, I'd be betraying his trust. Ah, damn it all!
"Sigmund, I..." you began. He seemingly became much more attentive than before, as he slowly leaned in closer. Again, you forced yourself to breathe in and out again before continuing. You had to make a choice as to who you placed your trust in more; the pony who's tried to help you for nearly your entire life, or the mare you've fallen for. Having one of them sit right before you did not make it any easier for you to decide either.
"I've recovered a memory."
You had chosen Rainbow Dash.
Sigmund's eyes shoot open as he realized what you had just admitted. "A memory?" he asked. "A repressed memory?!" he asked once more. He quickly rummaged through his drawers and pulled out, what seemed to be, a worn-out notebook. He flipped to the end of the book, and prepared himself to write down whatever you would say next. He slammed the drawer shut and motioned with his hooves for you to continue.
"Well... I can't say for sure how long ago it was... Or how old I was. I know that, in the memory, I was young. Very young. And... somepony who I believe was a friend of mine."
Sigmund quickly scribbled down your words too quickly, it seemed. How he would be able to read it later was a mystery. Nevertheless, you continued to retell your memory to Sigmund, carefully choosing your words as to not reveal too much.
"These two colts, most likely my age, were taunting her. So, I... told them to leave."
Sigmund chuckled and said, "That was quite altruistic of you. Anyway, please, continue." You brushed Sigmund's remark away, and proceeded again.
"She told me her name and I told her mine..."
"What was her name?"
Sigmund's question had caught you off-guard. His sudden interest in Rainbow Dash's name was unsettling. Without giving it much thought, you responded.
"Her name... Well, uhm... I can't remember."
Liar.
Sigmund kept writing, or rather scribbling for a few more moments before asking another question. This meeting was starting to become more of an interrogation with every question that Sigmund asked.
"And, how do you know that this was a memory, and not just a dream?"
Sigmund's question had left you uncertain about the validity of your memory. You were sure that your memory was actually of an event that had occurred, but you were unsure as to how to prove that to Sigmund.
I can't tell him that Rainbow Dash was able to confirm it either. He might start asking more and more about her.
"The memory just... felt familiar. That is how I know," you responded, as you attempted to keep your bold tone. Sigmund moved back to his journal and continued to scribble down notes. After a few more seconds, he began again.
"And what brought upon this resurfacing of your memory?" he questioned.
Again, you would have to lie in order to protect Rainbow Dash. As you took a few seconds to think of reply, Sigmund prepared himself to take note of whatever you would say.
"I'm not exactly sure. I saw something that I believed I might have seen before, and the memory just spawned.
As he had done before, Sigmund wrote down what you said, or rather lied about, and dropped his pencil once he had finished. He studied the notes he had taken before him and proceeded to stand up. He rubbed his chin before he began to speak.
"Well, it seems that you've finally been able to recover a memory. As you yourself have most likely realized, this is a huge advancement towards your recovery. Although we cannot currently verify if the memory is actually real or not, I find it rather unlikely that you would have begun to create false memories. If that were the case, that would have begun much earlier. Some stimulus, that you might or might not have been able to identify sparked this remembrance of your memory. Of course, I suggest to subjecting yourself to this stimuli again, whatever it was. However, I will advise you again to be careful. As we've discussed before, there is the possibility that the, bombardment if you will, of memories might produce negative feelings and emotions, due to the fact that we're not sure what your past holds. Tell me, what did you think of recovering this memory? Did you find it pleasant?"
I'm not confident that 'pleasant' is the proper word here.
“I suppose it was. Obtaining the memory made me somewhat elated, but I cannot say that the process I went through to recover the memory was,” you explained. Instantly, Sigmund began his response.
"Hmm, so you did not recover this memory within a dream? Then, if you will allow me to make an assumption, you recaptured this memory through a flashback, yes? You relived the memory, so to speak?"
You nodded and replied, "Yes, something of that nature I believe."
"Then, I encourage you to further unlock your memories through this process."
Before Sigmund could continue, a light 'beeping' noise could be heard which came from an alarm on his desk. He shifted a few papers around and picked up what seemed to be a clipboard. He muttered something to himself before turning his attention back towards you.
"I must apologize," he said, "but it seems I have other pressing matters to attend to. I wish we could continue to discuss this, but I am afraid I must leave this instant." He proceeded towards the door as you stood up from the chair. He opened to the door to leave and asked you, "You know where the exit is, correct?" You nodded and he spoke once more.
"Good. Again, do not hesitate to visit me if for any reason whatsoever. Until next time," ending his response with your name. He walked past the door and has left you behind in his room. With a deep sigh full of guilt and regret, you exited his office and made your way towards the entrance of the hospital, with hope that you wouldn't have to participate in any more conversations with anypony inside the hospital. As you walked out of the building and into the light spring showers, you spread open your wings and took off as you tried to ignore the familiar smell of a certain pegasus.
The rain did little to hinder your speed. As you flew back towards the small town, or more specifically Rainbow Dash's home, a faint voice kept speaking to you. A faint voice that you've heard so many times before.
Liar. He trusted you and you betrayed that trust. And for whom? A pegasus who you were friends with once? A long time ago, before you changed. Ridiculous.
You tried to block it out for the remainder of the flight. Once you entered the familiar region, you quickly gained altitude and scanned the clouds for Rainbow Dash's home. Your eyes came across the flagrant design of her home and you quickly flew towards the edge of the cloud that her building was situated upon. As you landed, you calmly made your way to the door and placed your hoof on the handle and pushed. There was a strange resistance.
Suddenly, a sharp agonizing pain hit your temple. You were lying on your back as you opened your eyes when you saw Rainbow Dash on her back as well. She held a hoof to her forehead and when her vision fell upon you, her expression changed from pained to enraged. She sprang to her hooves and began walking towards you. She stomped her hooves as she approached you. Still a bit dazed from having collided head-first with Rainbow Dash, you couldn't resist when she grabbed a hold of your mane and dragged you inside. As you stumbled and tripped over your own hooves, you were finally able to release yourself from her grip. You stood firmly on your hooves as she slammed the door shut. A minute amount of fear began to spawn from your stomach. Not even before you had revealed your true identity to Rainbow Dash had you ever seen her so infuriated. You couldn't have helped but to hope that her rage would soon subside.
"Where the hay were you?" she asked as her voice cracked upon uttering your name. Almost immediately after her inquiry, you responded in an attempt to defend yourself.
"What? What does it matter where I was? My affairs are mine and mine alone!" you replied, perhaps a bit too boldly. However, you had to establish the fact that you still had the right to do whatever you please.
"Not when you tell me that you're just gonna go take a shower and leave like that!"
Now becoming frustrated, you attacked the issue once more in the hope that it would diffuse the argument.
"You shouldn't have to concern yourself with my whereabouts! Why do you care so much about where I am?"
"Because I don't want you to kill yourself like an idiot!"
Complete silence fell upon the room, save for the quiet pitter-patter of rain against the home within the clouds.
It suddenly became obvious why she was so concerned with where you had gone: she had been afraid that you had finally put an end to your miserable life. You tried to respond but an overwhelming sensation of guilt loomed over you like the storm clouds outside. Once again, you had managed to cast unwarranted anger upon somepony that was merely trying to help you. Unable to speak, you stood there shamefully and stared at the ground, ears drooped and flattened against the side of your face. You held this position until you heard Rainbow Dash muster up the courage to speak again.
"Look", she began, much calmer and collected. " I don't really mind if you want to go out or whatever, but could you at least tell me about it, so I can at least know where you are? It's not that I don't really trust you, I just wanna know that you're safe, ya know?"
As you picked your head up, Rainbow Dash trotted over to you, which caused you to withdraw into a defensive stance and become unnerved. She placed her hoof on your shoulder and asked, "So we're good, right?" She began to slide her hoof up and down, which only made it easier to coax you into forgiving her. You warily nod your head in agreement, finally having brought tranquility between the two of you. Still, despite all of this, Rainbow Dash brought the question up once more.
"So, where DID you go?"
Having your guilt and paranoia slightly eased, you answered the question without hesitation.
"I went to Manehattan to see Sigmund."
"Sigmund?"
"Doctor, Sigmund. My therapist. Remember?"
Rainbow Dash nodded her head in agreement and replied, "Yeah, I remember now." Fortunately for you, that was all she pried at. She stood quietly before you, leaving you in a state of silence as well. She shuffled her own hooves for a bit before beginning with a long, drawn-out, "So... I was thinking, since going back to Cloudsdale and me doing the chant from school helped you remember, and that's the plan now, right? To get you to remember stuff from your past?"
You debated with yourself whether or not if that was truly the 'plan' now, but you brushed it off and nodded.
"Okay, so, what if we, and hear me out, alright? What if we..."
She hung on her last word for some time, leaving you in a mixture of suspense and annoyance.
"Went to your home?"
Immediately, the hospital spawned in your mind from having heard the word, 'home.' After all, that is what the hospital had become to you.
The hospital? Why in Celestia's name would we go there? There's nothing of relevance to my past there.
As you turned back your attention to Rainbow Dash, you saw her gently biting her lip in anticipation of something. She slowly drew her hoof back as if she was guarding herself. Confused, you asked, "Why would you want to return to the hospital?"
She placed her hoof down and responded, "What? No, not the hospital..." She hung onto the last word once more. You didn't understand why she was being so reserved all of a sudden. Normally, she wouldn't have a problem expressing her own opinion. Ironically, her new-found coyness had begun to bother you, just as much as her blatant dauntlessness had before. However, you remained silent and waited for her response, all the while the rain fell.
"Your home. Your actual home. Where you and your parents live- lived."
The image in your mind suddenly changed to your home. The dark, desolate location that only harbored the memory of your parents' death. There was nothing worth retribution in there, nothing to be claimed. That was not your home. You'd sooner accept your home to be the hospital rather than the building with the broken door held up by the hinges, the overturned furniture and the large pool of blood gathered on the floor in the center of the main room. You asked yourself the same question once more.
Why... in Celestia's name... would we go there?!
It seemed inconceivable to you that Rainbow Dash would actually want to return to that location. After all, she knew what had happened there. She knew everything there was to know about you. Unsure of what she had meant, and having retained some hope that she had not meant what she had, you asked.
"What?"
The simple utterance of the word seemed to unnerve Rainbow Dash.
"Listen, I know that you don't want to go back there, but-"
"Then why even ask me such a ridiculous question?" you responded without a hitch.
Despite having just realized moments ago that everything she had done was for you, you felt another argument on the verge of spawning.
"But, you don't know what's in your home an-"
"That is not my home, and I do know what is in the location you insist on calling my h-" you coldly interrupted.
"It's where you grew up, isn't it? Th-"
You weren't even giving her a chance to complete her sentences, and you could tell that it was beginning to irritate her beyond no extent.
"It's also where my mother and father were m-"
"I know that, but I'm willing to bet that there's a whole lotta memories there in your home, s-"
The only memories that were there for you to find was the death of your parents, and the more Rainbow Dash insisted on returning, the more it became difficult to push the images of your mother and father laying in a pool of blood.
Then, something snapped.
"Dammit Rainbow Dash, that is not my home!"
You, specifically, had snapped.
And all that could be heard was the pitter-patter of the rain. That, and the flaring of your own breath. Seeing this situation as a repeated pattern, you soon expected Rainbow Dash to be furious as well. But she seemed to be at peace. She didn't seem ready to pounce or shout or anything at all. What she did was slowly trot over to you and closed the distance between you. She was the first to speak after your outburst.
"I know you're scared," she slowly started. "And if you start remembering things you don't want to remember when we're there, then we'll leave, but you have to trust me on this one. Maybe you’ll see that there might be something worth remembering there."
This was far worse than when she had yelled and retaliated. She tore down your barriers with ease and had cast a cloud of uncertainty upon you. Now there was a small part of your consciousness that wanted to know what was inside the building that your parents had been murdered in; your home. You turned away from her and grumbled to yourself as you mulled over whether the risk was worth taking.
Perhaps she's right. It can't be any worse than what I've already experienced before, I suppose. Besides, it seems that she has always been right... to some extent.
You let out a heavy sigh, as it if it was an attempt to expel much of your harbored anger and discontent for her request. Nevertheless, the small piece of your consciousness that was curious about your home soon took over the majority, and had left you genuinely curious, albeit uncertain as well. You turned back to Rainbow Dash to see that she had donned a sincerely sinister smile, as if she had known what you were about to say. And for all you knew, she might have.
"Fine... we'll go, but only on the condition that we leave when I say."
You felt your blood turn to ice as you agreed to return to your home. However, it seemed to be the opposite for Rainbow Dash but you hardly found that to be surprising. She nodded her head in agreement to your request, but you couldn't help the feeling that you would later have trouble asserting yourself when the time came. For now though, you were to depart to your home too see what would lie inside.
"Okay, so... do you remember where your home is?"
You grumbled to yourself as you felt a slight headache beginning to form.
"Alright, this time I'm sure it's in... THAT direction," Rainbow Dash assured you before she bolted off into the endless clouded sky. The rain had become a bit stronger, but nothing that would deter Rainbow Dash from continuing the search for your home. The search had gone on for quite some time now, long enough to have made you lose track of time.
And yet, despite having agreed to 'hunt' for your home, there still lingered the original doubt you had always carried with you. The burden of paranoia was constant and there was just about nothing that could relieve you of it. Still, you brushed the ideas of being made 'normal' away. You've become accustomed to this pattern of conscious flow. This was normal to you.
For the time being however, you would continue the search to appease Rainbow Dash. Despite how hard you tried to convince yourself that she was doing this for your sake, it seemed to you that the opposite was true. And throughout this whole mental struggle that you had with yourself, you managed to successfully follow Rainbow Dash through the rain clouds to find nothing. Just the vast lightly-darkened sky with the occasional rain clouds that protruded. As she climbed further and further, she eventually reached the same height as the rain clouds and began to scan the horizon. After having searched high and low, you were inclined to believe that this was a waste of time. You'd much rather return to Rainbow Dash's home and at least make an attempt to relax, which for you was simply not partaking in anything and leaving yourself to your thoughts. Your thoughts that were usually interrupted by Rainbow Dash, just like now.
"So, you’re sure you don't remember where your house is, right?" she condescendingly asked. You weren't entirely sure if she had meant that as a joke or not, but nevertheless you shot her a disapproving look that explained to her just how much of a farce her question was.
"Rainbow Dash, why would you convince me to return to my home when you yourself can’t remember where it is?"
Without having removed her view from the horizon, she answered you.
"Because..." she slowly began, only giving you a portion of her attention, "I thought I'd remember where it was. But hey, I haven't been there in a while."
Seven years...
As you stayed in mid-air hovering, you began to lose interest in finding your home and much more wanted to return to hers.
"Ah-hah! I think I'm onto something here!"
But that would have to wait. Before your eyes, Rainbow Dash had sped off into the distance, much faster than you could follow. You couldn't help but think that she had actually found something this time. Something relevant to your home. Seeing no other viable choice, you followed her as quickly as you could, carrying hope that whatever she was following was another false hunch. As she diminished her speed to allow you to catch up to her, she looked to the sky and back towards you.
"Look familiar?"
When you finally realized where she had taken you, you saw a small, loosely grouped collection of cloud homes that brought on a sense of familiarity and cognition. Almost as if you could close your eyes and navigate with ease through and between the buildings. It frightened you.
Before you even had the chance to give a reply, Rainbow Dash began to circle the cloud buildings while you merely hovered, dumbfounded. It was one concept to deny the existence of your home, where your life was thrown into discourse and your psyche shattered. It was another concept to be even within the vicinity of your home. As the synapses in your mind connected, memories you had not encountered in some time began to surface. Not memories that had been locked, but memories that has been avoided. Memories that you hadn't experienced since but a couple of days ago. Memories that were painful.
And the night suddenly came upon you as quick as a flash of lightning. The rain had ceased and everything around you was dark, save for the moonlight that darted through the night sky and clouds. The same cloud homes around you were still there, except that there was a light that pierced through their windows. Nearly all of them had the same distinctive shine. As you tried to comprehend what had just happened, a ringing began in your ears. Very light and faint, but present nonetheless. You brought up your hooves to cover your ears, but the ringing was soon accompanied by the feeling of the pain behind your ear pulsating and burning. Your wings became heavy and you found it difficult to stay adrift. They felt tired, fatigued. Almost as if you had just performed in a marathon. You tried to concentrate and decipher what the meaning of all of this was, but the afflictions surrounding you made it difficult to focus. As you heard the night breeze pass by your ears, you began to press against the temples of your head, trying to force out the pain. The wind blew by you once more, and despite trying to turn your thoughts away from your surrounding, you could hear the wind echo your name. It passed by once more, and the whisper of your name was much more audible. It seemed to be beckoning you to return to where you belonged.
"Are you alright?"
And the daylight suddenly came upon you. As you removed your hooves from your head and observed your surroundings, you could see that you were in the exact same location, only it was still morning and the rain was present once more. The pain and fatigue dissipated, and the lights from the windows dimmed, and were eventually gone. Rainbow Dash seemed confused and slightly concerned.
You tried to catch your constantly escaping breath, which in turn prevented you from enlightening Rainbow Dash of your condition. Before you even had a chance to stabilize yourself, she took the initiative of answering for you.
"You're probably just winded. Stay here and catch your breath if you need to, I'm gonna go scope out the rest of this place."
As you huffed, you cursed under your breath for not being able to demand to Rainbow Dash that you return home as part of the compromise she had earlier promised.
Dammit, she promised me... She promised that I would be allowed to return upon my request!
You took in a deep breath of air through your nose, now having relaxed yourself as much as you could. Now all you had to do was to find Rainbow Dash through the light shower of rain and insist on returning home. You could already see her in the distance, upon a cloud that seemed disconnected from the main group. With your sights set on her, you took off towards Rainbow Dash, rehearsing what you would say to the cyan pegasus.
Rainbow Dash, I would like to go home now... No, dammit, that won't work... That's enough Rainbow Dash, let's go home now.
As you landed on the cloud she was on, you took a quick glance at the building. That’s when everything went dark.
The pain, the migraines, the fatigue, the ringing, all of it returned. What previously stood before you, the cloud-based building with the solid door frame was replaced. What took its place was a flimsy door that hung on its hinges for dear life. As the wind blew by, it pushed against the door, swinging it open. You dragged yourself closer, yet it was not of your own will. Something else was pushing you. Soon enough, you found yourself facing the broken door, with its vast darkness behind you. Despite your consciousness yelling and begging you not to, that you knew what would lie behind the door, that you would only come to regret having ever come here, you placed your hoof on the door and pushed.
And met a strange resistance.
"Darn it! It must be locked."
As you pushed harder, you were haltered by a stabbing pain behind your ear. As you pried your hoof away from the wooden door, the conscious world was slowly pieced back together. The fresh, dribbling rain, the cyan pegasus, and the fluffy structure of the clouds all returned in a sequence. You fully realized just why these familiar visions were returning so suddenly and sporadically. Your home stood before you. Upon accepting this fact, your emotions began to overwhelm you, overpowering your better judgement and your cold exterior.
"Rainbow D-Dash, I want to leave! Now!" you whimpered, just as you did before your home seven years ago. Rainbow Dash hadn't noticed your frightened behavior just yet, as she tried to persuade you into staying.
"Aww, come on. We haven't even seen wh-"
You could feel the fear slowly creep up into your chest and as it took hold, your heart began to pump faster and faster.
"No, no!" you interrupted, with your hooves on your head, desperately trying to shut out the world around you. Yet you could still feel the non-existent wind blow through your mane as it caused the non-moving door to swivel. As your eyes were still glued to the door, the pungent smell of iron became ever so present. And despite having your hooves pressed on your ears, you could still hear the hideous, horrid sound of the door creaking, even though it was not moving. You fell onto your back: your hooves still covering your ears and your vision still on the door. With every part of your mind shutting down, all you could do was crawl; crawl away, off the cloud and fall into oblivion. You'd rather face the danger of taking flight from free-fall with your wings immobilized than face the memory of your parents' death again. As you crept closer and closer, you felt the edge right before you. But something else stopped you, as it grabbed onto your hooves and pulled you away from the near-edge. You were turned around to face the edge, finally having your vision peeled away from the door. All you could see now were other homes in the far distance, with rain slowly pouring down over them. You felt a pair of hooves, not yours, wrapped around your head. As you looked up, you could see a pair of cerise eyes looking right into yours, and a voice calling your name.
"Relax, I'm here. Just calm down. You're fine."
As everything returned to normal once more, you scrambled to your hooves and stood up. You faced the door, only to see it still intact. There was no wind blowing, no creaking or a smell of iron. Just the smell of fresh rain and the feeling of the small drops on your coat. At last relieved, you took in a deep breath and sighed, having come close to another attack from your most feared memory. Rainbow Dash was unbeknownst to what had happened, as signified by her question.
"What happened? You were doing fine until you tried opening the door... did you see them again?"
You tried to speak but you couldn't. Your throat had closed up, for it was the fear of having to relive the memory that held on to you. You couldn't just break down and let your emotions pour out before her like you had done before so reluctantly. You were tired of it, tired of having to fear the memory. Tired of having to wake up every day with the paranoia of reliving your worst memories. Tired of having to be scared of others betraying you or casting you aside without a second glance. You felt your eyes begin to tear-up, as you brought a hoof up to wipe them. Out of the corner of your blurry eye, you could see Rainbow Dash next to you, putting her hoof on your shoulder.
"C'mon," she cooed, "you can tell me. We'll leave, but I just wanna know. What's wrong?" Unable to resist her comfort and her care, you responded, making it blatant that you were holding back sobs and tears.
"I'm... I'm just tired of, having to relive this memory every time... Every time I come close to something that reminds me of my past!" You managed to hold back any moans or tears for now, but you knew the longer you stood in the rain before your home, the sooner you'd come to losing control. You took one glance at her, and it was enough to tell her that you wanted to leave.
"Alright, well we can't even get in. The door's locked, and I don't think we're in any rush to get in, right?" she nervously laughed in a weak attempt to lighten the mood. However, your less-than-optimistic face made her stop right then and there. You waited for her to take flight, and when she did you wasted no time in doing the same. As the two of you began to travel back towards Rainbow Dash's home, you took one glance back at your forsaken home and cursed it for all of the misery it's brought upon you. As you turned back to face Rainbow Dash, you could see that she was entirely focused on returning to her home within the clouds.
She must be upset that her attempt to help me recover my memory only ended in pain.
And just as you believed your troubles for the day had ended, you heard a voice call out: this time, not belonging to Rainbow Dash. This one was much more frail and raspy. As much as you wanted to keep flying, as much as you wanted to return to Rainbow Dash's home, you saw her stop, and you followed suit. Being left with no choice, you slowly halted to a hover next to Rainbow Dash.
"Did you say something?" she asked while you simply shook your head in disagreement. However, you were quick to respond.
"Rainbow Dash, you said we were going to leave."
"Yoo-hoo! Over here!" you heard, the same voice calling out once more. Both of you were able to find the source of the voice, and you could see that it was another pony from one of the homes in the sky; the closest one to you at the moment. The pony was a mare who seemed rather aged. Not as old as Sigmund, who already sported gray hairs in his mane, but nowhere near as young as you and Rainbow Dash. Her coat was a pastel pink that seemed dull and her mane was a faded indigo. She was sitting in a rocking chair in her porch the cloud home supported: safe from the rain.
As you turned back to Rainbow Dash, you could tell that she was able to take note of all the same details. She turned back to you and shrugged. "It can't hurt to see what she wants, right?" And with that, she took off towards the mare, leaving you to believe that she disregarded you and your desire to return back to her home. Reluctantly, you made your way towards the mare's home and landed next to Rainbow Dash. You shook yourself from the rain and made your way up the steps with Rainbow Dash who stood before the mare. She rocked in her chair for a few more seconds before Rainbow Dash spoke up.
"Were you calling us over?" she asked, perhaps a bit too impulsive to start. However, the mare seemed to take no notice of it.
She merely responded with, "Were you two trying to get into that house over there?" Suddenly, your attention was fully paid towards the mare in the chair and so was Rainbow Dash's.
"Yeah, we were. Do you know anything about it?" she asked. You scoffed to yourself in thought.
It's obvious that she wouldn't know anything. No pony has been in there ever since I left. Not even the so-called Cloudsdale Police who supposedly investigated the whole ordeal.
"I suppose I should. After all, I've been living here for as long as I can remember." she replied, as she turned towards you with a smile. And with that, your grin that you held behind the mask of your face turned into a frown.
"Wait, so you knew the pegasi that lived in that home?" Rainbow Dash asked, with much more interest this time. You turned to her and shot a glare towards her, and she caught sight of it and gave no sense of guilt.
"Oh, yes. I knew them. Are you a related to them?" she asked, which caused your heart to speed up. Rainbow Dash took the initiative and spoke on the behalf on both of you.
"No, we're not related to them."
"Ah, yes. Silly old me. I've forgotten that they had no relatives."
What? How does she know?!
Rainbow Dash must’ve read your thoughts, because she asked the mare the same question.
"How did you know that?"
The old mare simply responded, "I knew the family quite well. You must be friends of the little one, right? Well, I suppose he isn't so little anymore. I'd say he's about both your age right now. I can't remember his name, though."
Rainbow Dash said that she was correct and proceeded to say your name, despite that your eyes had burned a hole in the back of her head. You took one step away before you felt her wing come around your shoulder and pull you closer. She made it clear with that motion that she wanted you to stay and listen to the old mare. You felt your throat dry up as Rainbow Dash asked, "Do you think you'd recognize him if you saw him?"
She chuckled and said, "Oh, I can't be sure. I've gotten so old and my memory gets worse with age you know."
Not in my case.
"But, I'm sure if I saw him again, " she began, as she directed her vision towards you, "I'd be able to recognize him." She stared at the two of you for a few seconds before returning her view back towards the rainy sky. You let out a sigh of relief when you realized she hadn't recognized you. And it seemed that Rainbow Dash also realized this, however she made no explicit remark regarding so. The old mare spoke once more.
"Pardon me, but I haven't introduced myself have I? My name is Sun Drop." she said, all while making a slight salutational gesture from her chair. You remained quiet as Rainbow Dash introduced herself.
"Name's Rainbow Dash. And, uh..." she mumbled as she turned to you. The look of concern on your face practically told her to not reveal your name, and she listened. "This is... a friend of mine, who lives in Trottingham. He's visiting." she finished, lying through her teeth with ease. For you.
"Nice to meet the both of you. The two of you make a lovely pair." she snickered. Rainbow Dash blurts out that it wasn't "anything like that" and that you were merely a friend, while you tried to keep your mind clear of yesternight's events as you grumbled to yourself. "You don't have to lie to me, deary. I've been married for 30 years. I know wh-"
"So anyways, how did you say you knew the family that lived over there?!" she interrupted, which she seemed to do to everypony, as she pointed towards your home. "Oh, yes. Of course. I knew the family because they were my neighbors, up until about nine or so years ago." she explained.
Seven, not nine.
"There was a terrible accident. It caused quite a stir for the whole town. Nothing like what happened that night had happened around here for nearly half a century. But I suppose it was bound to happen eventually in Cloudsdale."
After having heard Sun Drop explain herself, you began to grow even more disturbed about her. Disturbed about just how much she knew. Previously, you believed that only Sigmund and Rainbow Dash knew of your past. But the introduction of a third pony who may know your past wasn't relieving. It was unsettling. Sigmund said that you, and only you, were to uncover your past through your own means. You couldn't be simply told your past, as if it were some story read out of a fictional book. You used your wing to prod Rainbow Dash at her side, which received her attention.
"Could... you excuse us for a moment please?" she asked as Sun Drop nodded. She pulled you aside, out from her porch and into the rain. She must have known you wanted to talk about what Sun Drop was talking about.
"What's the problem?" she started. "She's telling us about you! And she doesn't even recognize you. Isn't this what you wanted? To be told about your past and what happened that night?"
"First of all, I know what happened that night. That's all I can recall from my childhood. I don't need to be reminded of what happened, especially from somepony I don't trust!" you retorted in a manner of a whisper, not wanting to be overheard.
"What do you mean you don't trust her? Why would she lie to us? She hasn't so far, she knows about you and what happened that night. I want to find out, and what the hay, maybe she can tell us a bit more. And that might help you remember something important. Maybe something important about me or your parents. If you don't want to listen to her, that's your problem. But I'm going to go talk to her. So, what's it gonna be, huh?"
She had done it again. She has managed to convince you to partake in an activity that would surely only bring you more grief and dismay. As you found yourself at a lost for words, stammering and such, you muttered, "Fine."
"Good. Now c'mon, if she starts overstepping some boundaries just let me know and we'll leave, alright?"
She already has by mentioning my past...
The two of you slowly trotted back towards Sun Drop, you more reluctantly than Rainbow Dash. She initiated the conversation once more, asking the old mare to continue.
"Well, you see, I knew the family pretty well. They might have not been my nearest neighbors, but they were definitely the closest. They first moved into the home when the wife was with foal, the little one. His name..." she ended as she hung onto the last word. Rainbow Dash reminded her, which irritated you. "Ah, yes. I gave them a welcoming gift on behalf of the neighborhood, and they were a lovely couple like the two of you." Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes as you simply ignored the comment. "Anywho, I don't remember where they moved from, or how they met. They might have mentioned it, but my memory escapes me. Eventually, their little colt was born and thus began their new life. They never once thought about moving, and neither did my family. The other neighbors came and went, but they stayed. That's how I got to know them so well."
If any of this is true, why can't I remember this? Surely I'd remember a close friend of my parents... but, then again, I couldn't remember Rainbow Dash.
"What happened after that? After their kid was born, I mean," Rainbow Dash asked, wanting to squeeze every tidbit of information that Sun Drop had to offer.
"Oh yes, of course," she started recounting her memories once more. "The colt went to the same school I went to when I was just a little filly. And mind you, that was a long time ago. I'm sure you went to the same school as he did. That's probably where you know him from, right?" Rainbow Dash nodded, which gave Sun Drop the signal to continue. "He started at a young age, but I remember he had difficulties flying at first. He was a bit of a slow learner, but he got the hang of it soon enough. The parents hadn't changed much to be honest. They were always nice and kind and caring, just how parents should be." You could see that Rainbow Dash cringed and you figured that she must have been reminded of her parents, but she seemingly shook it off and continued to pay attention.
"But," Sun Drop sighed, "that all changed that one night."
"And... what happened on that night you're talking about?" Rainbow Dash asked, regardless of the fact that she already knew what happened.
"Well, you see... around that time, Cloudsdale was getting an unusually high amount of break-ins and burglaries and such. The newspapers said that it wasn't done by just any hooligans, but that it was done by a team or a single group of dirty-minded, moral-ridden thieves. We thought our little neighborhood was safe because it's in the outskirts of Cloudsdale, but I guess we were wrong." she finished, still being vague about the night of your parents' murder.
"Sun Drop, can you please tell us what happened? We have to know." Rainbow Dash persisted once more.
"I only know as much as what I saw and what the detectives and police told me." she said. You were standing there, the whole time awaiting for your re-entailment of the night your parents died. However, Rainbow Dash caught something you hadn't noticed. "What do you mean, 'as much as what you saw?’" This puzzled you as well, enough to spark a response from you.
"Did you see something that night? Was it the pegasi who were responsible?" Before you could go any further, Rainbow Dash brought her hoof up next to you, motioning you to stop. You complied and allowed Sun Drop to continue.
"You two, since you are friends of his, you probably already know this but I'll tell you anyways. His parents..." she faded, but spoke up again, "His parents... were killed that night. They were killed by the pegasi who were responsible for all these crimes. The police said that the parents were killed because they had stayed home that night, because all the other burglaries were done when the homes were vacated. What a senseless crime, killing two innocent pegasi, making them abandon their child for money."
You felt your stomach churn as you were reminded of the event. But she still hadn't answered your question, as to what she saw. As you kept your consciousness clear of any painful memories, Sun Drop continued.
"But, what I saw... I don't think I'll ever be able to forget. I was passing by after running some errands late that night. I was flying towards my home in the same direction that Cloudsdale is, and I passed the home. It was windy but I heard... I heard crying coming from somewhere. Right as I flew by his home, the door swung wide open because of the wind. And I heard the crying again. I landed on the cloud and I was frightened to death. When I walked closer, there was a strong smell, a ghastly smell really. I could barely stand it, but I was worried about the crying, and I had hoped that it wasn't coming from him. And when I walked into the home, the moonlight, unfortunately, struck just right. It struck just right."
The both of you stayed quiet and waited for her to finish.
"I saw the little colt, in a... a pool of blood between his parents."
And the image flashed in your mind. The image of the darkness and the crimson red blood that stained your coat and dried to a crisp. The smell of iron and the sensation of the blood that stuck onto your coat and mane like a disease. And the feeling of the wet, cold, thick blood underneath you and the trail of tears beneath your eyes that mixed with the blood, and the whimpers that came from you. The sobs and moans and cries and wails that escaped your lips and echoed in the darkened, desolate room. All of it came in one strike, one blow to your psyche and caused you to stumble. Rainbow Dash and Sun Drop both jumped a bit, but Rainbow Dash immediately knew that something was wrong, as she helped you regain your balance.
"Hey, you alright? You don't want to leave now, do you?" she asked you, as you rubbed your head.
"Is your friend alright? He looks like he's a bit dizzy." Sun Drop asked. Rainbow Dash responded, defending you.
"Yeah, he's fine. He's just not use to the high altitudes, he doesn't fly much in Trottingham. He's gonna go take a breather." As you regained focus, you looked at both Rainbow Dash and Sun Drop, and nodded towards them as you stepped down off of the porch and into the rain. You heard Rainbow Dash asking the mare to continue, before you were left with your own thoughts. The rain fell on your face and refreshed you, which allowed you to clear your much muddled thoughts.
Sun Drop. Sun Drop. Sun Drop. That name doesn't ring a bell. But surely it must, I would... I should at the very least have the slightest memory of her. But, all I can seem to remember is her scream. The scream of her finding me, covered in blood. Yet she doesn't recognize me. I'm the memory that should have been burned into her psyche, as it did into mine. And yet, she insists that she knows my past. Regardless, I have to uncover it on my own accord. I suppose I should go back and listen to her, just to be sure that she doesn't slander my name or my past. Or whatever she remembers of it.
You sighed and made your way back up next to Rainbow Dash, in time to listen to Sun Drop finish her story. "And, they asked me if I saw anything else but every time I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate, all I could see was the poor little colt, parents gone." Rainbow Dash nodded, finally having listened to the entirety of the events. But, something snapped in your mind. Something you had to ask Sun Drop about. The grand delusions of her having reason to lie to you were temporarily gone, which gave you incentive to ask her.
"What happened to the colt after his parents died?"
The question escaped your lips before you had the chance to hold it back in, but it was in the air now and had even caught Rainbow Dash by surprise. Sun Drop slowly began up once again.
"Well, I suppose he was taken to the police station after the incident. After that, I'm not sure what had happened. They told me they took him to a hospital, because of his mental condition. I didn't really know if there was anything wrong with him, but I assume after something traumatic like what he experienced that it is possible. But, where he is now I don't know. You know, after the accident, I would have liked to adopt him. I figured since I knew him and the parents, that it would work out nicely. He could return to his normal life, and I would help him with cope with his loss. But I was told that it would not be possible, and that the information was classified. They wouldn't even tell me the hospital he was located at. I would have loved to have visited him, but I couldn't."
Adoption? Impossible.
"If you're looking to find him, then he'd most likely be in Manehattan. I may not know if he's still there, but I'm sure that's where he last was. If you do find him, could you tell him to stop by? I don't think he's come back yet because I'm sure he'd like to go back and see his home."
Rainbow Dash and you both gave a glance to each other before she asked, "What do you mean? Is there something you have for him?" Sun Drop smiled back at Rainbow Dash and reached for the small purse she had by her side.
"I do, I always carried it with me ever since he left. You know, because he had no family or relatives, the police had asked me to take care of the home. They gave me the key, and told me that if he was ever to return, that I should give it back. After all, the home belongs to him now. But, you know, in my old age, I haven't been able to clean the home in a long time." Rainbow Dash took the short pause to interject.
"To clean? You mean you've been cleaning the home ever since he left?"
Sun Drop chuckled and responded, "Well, it's been about a year since I've been in there, but yes. I cleaned the mess that was made, and I tried to keep everything the way it was. That way, for when he came back, everything would be the way it used to be. But... he never came back." After having fumbled around with her purse, she pulled out a single sliver key attached to a simple black thread looped string. And your heart stopped. The blasted key, was the key to your home. You knew it was. You could imagine it fitting nicely into the keyhole of the door you cursed earlier. You could see it perfectly lift the tumblers into the correct position, and turn seamlessly until the lock was disengaged.
Sun Drop smiled at both you and Rainbow Dash, and asked, "I need a favor from both of you. I need you to hold onto this key for me. I can't keep going back there every month, and I don't know how much longer I can wait for him. Would you please hold onto this for me? If you do see him, could you please give it to him and tell him to stop by? I'm sure he'll remember me." She extended her hoof out towards you, with the key and all and placed it onto your left wing that was now extended as well. Rainbow Dash seemed to be in awe, as well as yourself.
"So, that key opens the door to his home?" Rainbow Dash asked as Sun Drop nodded.
"You can go visit whenever you want and clean up if you'd like, but if you ever do see him again, please tell him to stop by and come back home."
And everything went quiet. You held on your wing, the key to your home. And before you stood a pegasus that knew your past. And not too far from where you stood was your home where your parents died. It was nearly overwhelming, so much so that you needed to get some fresh air once more. "I need to get some more fresh air." you said as you dismissed yourself from them. You stepped down off the porch once more, and held the key before you, and examined it with immense detail. You took another moment to recollect your thoughts.
Damn. Damn it all! I have the key, I should just dispose of it! Let it fall down onto the ground, and say it was an accident! I don't want to return to my home, I want to return to Rainbow Dash's home and just wallow in my own pity. But, because of Sun Drip or whatever the hell her name is, I can now return home. Unless I drop it and I should drop it! All I have to do is just let my wing relax... and the key will slip.
But, no. Rainbow Dash wouldn't want that.
But then again, I didn't want to come and talk to the old mare and she refused to listen to me! So then why should I be bothered to return to my home! My home only harbors painful memories: painful memories that I don't want to relive! And imagine, standing before the door nearly caused me to relive it. What will standing in the exact same spot that I was in seven years ago do to me? It's all too much, I need to get rid of this key! But... then the chances of ever returning to my home will be lost.
Oh, don't be ridiculous! If you were really desperate to return home, you'd have no trouble breaking the damn door down or entering through the window. Just as... the thieves would have.
And what would Rainbow Dash think? I know I already said I don't care, but... she's the only pony I can trust here. She's the only pony offering me love and affection. And my damaged psyche was a fool to accept it!
Damn it, I am not to blame! After being neglected and abandoned for years, I became fragile and unstable! I needed somepony, anypony to show me the slightest bit of understanding and sympathy.
Perhaps... that is why I was so willing to befriend the yellow pegasus who lives in the tree abode. But, she couldn't understand. She couldn't possibly understand all the pain and trauma I've endured for the past seven years. All she gave me was bandages and what seemed to be genuine worry for my well-being.
And what has Rainbow Dash given me? Closure? No, not at all. I could have stayed with Sigmund and continued to progress nowhere while I lived under the "watch and care of the Manehattan Psychiatric Hospital.”
But with Rainbow Dash, I uncovered a memory, I uncovered a memory and it was because of her! So, yes, she is giving me closure in manner. That's why I can't drop this damn key. She knows what's best for me, and she's only tried to help! Even if it means that I have to suffer along the way, it's a much better option than reliving the memory of my parents' death every night! Of reliving the memory, of my final night at my home... that I'm about to enter.
No, no I can't do it. I just can't! I need to let the key go! Rainbow Dash will understand, of course she will! She has to, she wouldn't let me suffer on purpose. She will forgive me! I, just... have to relax my wing, and let the k-
"So this is the key, huh?" you heard Rainbow Dash ask behind you as she snatched the key from your wing that hovered over the edge of the cloud. You cursed at yourself beneath your breath for not having taken the opportunity to release the key. However, you still retained some hope that Rainbow Dash would keep her promise of the two of you returning to her home, rather than returning to yours.
"So, are you ready to go?" she asked as she placed the key around her neck, ensuring that she wouldn't lose it.
"If you mean ready to return to your home, then yes I am."
She put on a look of disappointment and replied, "Come on, I already said goodbye to her for the both of us. We at least owe it to her to go take a look around your home."
"I owe it to her? What do I owe her? I don't owe anypony anything!" you retorted as you raised your voice a bit.
Rainbow Dash calmed you down and said, "Alright, listen. What if we take a quick look around? That's all. And then we'll leave. C'mon, what do you say?" she said as she ran her hoof up and down your left fore-leg again as she slowly and inconspicuously made her way towards your chest. And despite the pouring rain, she managed, with her touch, to coax you into agreeing with her. And you knew that she was exploiting your intimate, primal emotions that you've developed for her. It worked to perfection.
"Fine, but not for too long, and we leave on my word. Understood?" you demanded, in an attempt to stand your ground.
"Yeah, of course. Now come on, let's go check out your home!" she exclaimed, taking off back towards your home. You grumbled to yourself, in hopes that she would listen this time. As you followed her, you noticed that she seemed more excited than you, but that was understandable. Mostly because you were dreading every second of this. As she landed on the cloud, she waited for you to land next to her, and paid attention to your every move. You landed right next to her, before the door. There was no creak and no smell. Everything was calm.
"Hold up."
Or so you thought. "Let me ask you something, about when you left your home." she said as she removed the key from her neck and tossed it towards you. You caught the key with your wing and you turned to her, as you figured that her questions would be heavy in seriousness.
Whatever stops us from entering my home.
"Sun Drop said that you couldn't be adopted. Why couldn't you? I mean, I'm no doctor or psycho-watchamacallit, but wouldn't it have been better if you stayed with her?" You tilted your head down, as if to say 'seriously'? You took in a deep breath and began your response.
"Rainbow Dash, think. I was only ten years old. My mental condition was incredibly unstable. Had I been released, I might have... finished it, so to speak." you replied, as sternly as possible. However, Rainbow Dash was not through with her questions just yet.
"Well... do you actually know the ponies who, you know... did it?" she questioned, placing heavy emphasis on the last two words. Your eye contact with her was broken as you craned your neck downwards. You closed your eyes and tried to focus on the faint memory you had of your time at the Cloudsdale Police Station.
"I know it's hard son, but we need you to think. Do you remember seeing anypony fly away when you were flying home? If you can remember anything, it can help us find the ponies responsible for this."
You wiped your eyes and looked at the pony who stood next to you, and nodded. Another pony in a similar blue outfit walked up next to him and placed a tan portfolio on the desk before you. He pulled out two images, of what appeared to be pictures of two different pegasi.
"Do either of these two ponies look familiar?" the other pegasus asked.
You nodded once more and asked, "Where's my mom and dad?" The two pegasi looked at each other and slowly turned back towards the images.
"I told them that I didn't see anypony leaving. I was all by myself that night. I can't even remember what the ponies that they showed me look like. I can barely remember what happened after that night! But Sigmund... He told me that the pegasi who killed my parents were never found. So, no, Rainbow Dash. I don't know who's responsible."
Rainbow Dash crept closer to and hesitated before asking, "Well... do you feel mad or angry at whoever did this?" You opened your mouth to respond but found yourself at a loss for words. Not once had you ever felt any animosity or anguish for whoever had done this. You only felt remorse for the loss of your parents and nothing more.
Never once have I wanted to find out who was responsible. But that may have been on account of Sigmund. I'm sure he managed to transform the path of my anger towards the loss of my parents, not towards those who had caused it. Perhaps it is better this way. The last thing I need is to harbor anger for somepony I'll never see.
"I suppose not. I have never really given it much thought. But I suppose it is better this way. Does that satisfy you, Rainbow Dash?" you finished, as you hoped that this was the end of her questions.
"Well, just one more thing. How long has it been since you left the hospital?" You raised an eyebrow and parroted the question.
"How long? Well, I suppose it's been.." you tried to remember the last memory you had before leaving the hospital, but you could only draw a blank. The fact that you couldn't remember how long it has been since you left the dreaded asylum only angered you further. You snapped at Rainbow Dash. "What does it matter how long it's been since I left? Why are you asking all of these questions all of a sudden?"
Rainbow Dash shifted into a more defensive stance and replied with, "Hey, calm down. I was just wondering. Sun Drop got me thinking, and well... there were still some things I wanted to know. But, let's just forget about it. C’mon, we gotta go inside your home."
You still held the key on your wing for what felt like an eternity. Rainbow Dash cleared her throat, signaling you to move on. As you turned towards the door, Rainbow Dash walked right beside you. As much as you'd hate to admit it, her presence gave you a slight boost in your confidence. Unfortunately, it wasn't nearly enough to fully convince you to enter your home. You placed the key into the lock and held it. Your heart raced and you felt your foreleg freeze up.
Then, you felt her hoof. You felt Rainbow Dash's hoof on yours and said, "Don't worry. The second you see something you don't like, or start feeling nervous and scared, we'll leave. I promise this time." She quickly planted a kiss on your cheek and placed more pressure on your hoof, which caused the key to turn.
A pool of blood, shattered glass, a door that hung onto its hinges, a potent, pungent smell of iron, and two corpses; this is what you expected to find behind the door. The source of all your fears and terrors. The reason why you have become such a forlorn, pessimistic pony. The same reason why you spent your entire childhood inside an asylum. The very same reason why cannot remember anything before your final year in said asylum, save for a hoof-full of memories. And the reason why you returned to the source?
Because Rainbow Dash wanted to.
You had your hooves dug firmly into the cloud, yet you felt your hooves lifted as Rainbow Dash crept closer towards the door. Eyes shut, you took one reluctant step into the home and felt the material of the floor, much denser and solidified than the cloud it laid upon. Once more, Rainbow Dash tugged at your hoof and brought you one step closer into the home. At this point, the rain fell only on your tail. It gave you an indication of how far past the doorway you had gone through. With one final tug, you took the last step in. You no longer felt the rain upon your coat. The presence of death that blanketed you replaced the feeling. You still had not opened your eyes—there was no need to. The night you found your parents had burned the layout of your home into your mind. To your left was broken glass. Behind you hung the broken door. Directly before you was an overturned couch. In the northeastern direction near the staircase was a pool of blood. On top of the blood, two pegasi. Two cold bodies. Your breathing quickened as you pieced the outline of the room. Your hooves began to chatter and shake spasmodically. However, something was missing. Something that had been left out of the mixture. Something that disturbed you. The missing piece that you knew should be here but was not.
There was no iron odor.
Moreover, that essential piece that was not evident distressed you far enough to open your eyes. You expected to find nothing but darkness, and the light that perfectly reflected off the moon that shone perfectly through one perfectly placed window that perfectly showcased your mother's and father's corpses.
Instead, dullness had greeted you. There was no blood, no shattered glass, only an observant Rainbow Dash, whose eyes covered every corner of the room, that shut the door. The couch was seated firmly in the middle of the room and the bookshelves and the one lone snow globe that sat upon one shelf were neatly organized and against the wall. Precisely positioned in the middle of the room was a dark maple-colored coffee table. The dim light that lazily cut through the window struck the staircase, the chair-for-one sat over a rug that covered a large portion of the room's space, and a thick layer of dust coated the entire room. The only free dust particles were ones that were pushed away by the initial opening of the door. As you took one, long gaze around your home and took in everything, you finally came to a conclusion.
Everything... is out of order.
"See, not as bad as you thought, huh?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You stood silent for a second while you stared at the one shelf in the room that carried the only ornament in the room.
"No no no, no. This is," you calmly began, "all wrong. None of this, was like this." You stretched your wing and reached for the small snow-globe on the shelf. As you pulled the globe from its spot and closer to you, you inadvertently threw more dust into the air. You brought the globe close to your face and used your free wing to clean off the dust. The small sign inside the globe read 'Cloudsdale'. With that one short glance, you placed it on the floor, glass first and said, "The globe was on the floor."
Rainbow Dash sighed and began with your name, "What are you doing?"
You ignored her as you slowly made your way towards the staircase and passed the chair-for-one. You heard Rainbow Dash scoop up the globe with her hoof as she made some remark about having a similar one in her own home. You approached the window frame, and placed your hoof against it.
"This was cracked. The window was cracked. And these drapes," you stammered, "t-they were a different color." You pulled the now-blue drapes and knocked more dust into the air.
"Are you even listening?"
No.
"Sorry, I was... just thinking..."
Rainbow Dash trotted over to your side and wrapped her wing around your neck as she asked, "You alright? You're acting like you're about to have another one of your flashbacks."
You shrugged her wing off and reassured her that you were fine. As you looked outside the window, you could see that there was a soft breeze that now accompanied the drizzle outside your home. Rainbow Dash coughed a few times because of the abundance of dust and suggested, "Why don't we open a window? The air's pretty thick in here so it'll be good to let some fresh air in."
Without waiting for your input, she places her hooves on the window and gives one strong shove. The window jerks from its position that it had been stuck in for a number of years, and lets in the fresh smell of rain. The soft breeze slowly replaced the stuffy and aged air that lingered inside your home for years.
"See? Better," Rainbow Dash stated. Nevertheless, all you could focus on were the drapes, and how they gently hovered above the window frame. Moreover, how similar it looked on the one night, seven years ago. You immediately turned around and stared at one spot in the ground that was under the carpet. You heard Rainbow Dash turn around and stare at the same spot that you kept your eyes locked on. A few seconds later, Rainbow Dash broke the silence.
"What are you staring at?" she asked while she brought her head back up.
You followed suit and responded, "This is where..."
"Where wh-"
"Where my parents died," you coldly finished her sentence. And the silence fell upon the room once more. But, you had a revelation. Something distressed you, something that was, again, missing. This time, the missing piece was not the smell of blood. The smell of fresh rainwater replaced that. Yet, the missing piece was related to blood. It was blood.
There is no bloodstain...
Rather, the lack thereof. You brought your eyes closer to the floor and tried to find, even the slightest, trace of blood. However, there was none to be found. Suddenly, another idea came to you. It became immediately obvious to you why there was no bloodstain. You gave one glare at the rug before you used your hoof to turn it over, and revealed the floor, that you knew for sure would have some trace of blood. Nevertheless, as you stared into the blue, ceramic floor, your heart sank. There was no hint of any shade of red. Not in the slightest. You released an angry snort as you readjusted the rug and rose to your hooves. You heard Rainbow Dash who was just out of your vision hesitate before she spoke up.
"Why are you trying to look for blood?" she asked, half-confused and half-irritated.
You slowly, almost menacingly, turned to face her and muttered the word, "Why?"
"Do you see any sign of a murder happening here? Is there any indication that something horrible happened here one night, seven years ago? No, there is not. There is not any sign of anything bad ever having happened here! There is no blood, no broken glass or furniture, nothing."
Rainbow Dash stood dumbfounded, the only response she imagined was, "So?"
I cannot believe she is being this thickheaded.
"So? It's almost as if... almost as if nothing ever happened here," your voice slowly trailed off as you craned your head downwards.
And it was with that remark, in which Rainbow Dash came to the realization that your fear of your home did not spawn from the concept of everything having been left in the state when your parents were taken away from you; it was the opposite. It was the idea that there was no sign of it. There was nothing that hinted at the tragedy that occurred here, seven years ago. This house was far better suited for a story that involved a happy family who eventually moved away to a better home, not a story where two pegasi are murdered and their colt, who later returned to his home, found his mother and father dead and proceeded to lie in a pool of their own blood until it dried and stained his coat red.
Rainbow Dash sighed through her nose and slowly spoke up.
"Maybe its better this way," she suggested.
Her justification of your home's current state caught you off guard as you parroted her.
"Better? How could this be better? "
"Well for starters, if everything was the way it was, you might have had a flashback of that night."
What she said was true, and was something you had not thought of. If the simple reenactment of a chant you performed in flight school brought upon a memory, the sight of the scene of your parents' would surely have recalled that night.
"I suppose... That's a possibility," you admitted.
"See? Silver lining," she replied as she said your name. "Come on, I wanna see the rest of your house."
Rainbow Dash trotted past the stairs and you, all the while you kept your eyes glued to the floor. You stared at the section of the floor, the section that your parents were.
There has to be something. There has to be some clue or sign that my parents were killed here.
Rainbow Dash called out your name, this time much more stern. You would have to wait to find your clue. You made your way next to Rainbow Dash as the two of you slowly moved into what seemed like the dining room.
"Were your parents rich or something? 'Cause I gotta say, this place looks pretty fancy."
Rainbow Dash turned to you and you realized that she actually expected an answer.
"How am I supposed to know whether or not my mother and father were wealthy? How am I supposed to remember anything about them? Have you forgotten about my condition? I have complete and total amnesia from my childhood, save for what I have remembered as of a month ago or so. Furthermore, this is the reason we are here, at my home! To try to recover a lost memory. Have you forgotten that as well? Perhaps I am not the one with amnesia. Perhaps it is you that ha-"
And a feeling that was all too familiar to you cut you off. Rainbow Dash smacked the back of your head with her wing and quickly spat out, "A simple 'no' would have done the trick, y'know."
You muttered to yourself in a small fit of annoyance, "And not being completely ignorant would have had the same effect..."
Unfortunately, you spoke your mind much louder than you should have as Rainbow Dash partially heard you.
"What was that?!" she shouted, now directly in front of you. You lost whatever nerve you had and stammered, "No, nothing!"
She snorted and turned her attention back towards the room. She approached the circular glass table in the middle and swiped her hoof across it. As expected, she left a clear trail surrounded by dust on the table. She brought her hoof back down and turned to towards the window behind her to open it. As Rainbow Dash struggled with the window, you turned your attention to the rest of the room and noticed the decor. There were shelves and shelves of various ornaments and trinkets that complimented the room. Found all around the room were little sculptures of pony figurines and various pieces of art. And as Rainbow Dash opened the window and let in a slight breeze, the chandelier that hung above the glass table swooned and rattled ever so slightly.
Perhaps Rainbow Dash brought up a good point. Were my parents affluent? None of this is in Rainbow Dash's home. Although, that is because it's Rainbow Dash's home. She does not have any of the ornaments or decorations like those in this room.
"There, much better," Rainbow Dash said as she landed on her hooves.
You continued to stare at the chandelier until Rainbow Dash snapped you out of your trance.
"Hey, you still there?" Rainbow Dash asked as she shook her hoof in front of your face.
You pushed her hoof away as you assured her, "Yes, I'm fine. I was just thinking."
"Thinking about... what?" Rainbow Dash led on.
About how much you're irritating me.
"Nothing important," you responded coldly, as you slowly made your way through the doorway into the next room. You refused to admit it, but you have become somewhat curious about the condition of the rest of your home. Littered with ornaments was the room with the glass table, while the room that led to the entrance was rather bare. This is what confused you. As you peered into the adjacent room, it was quite clear that you had entered the kitchen. The sink and counter-tops accompanied with the stove all attributed to your deduction. Rainbow Dash followed closely behind you, and remarked about the current state of the room and how similar in air quality and dust quantity it was. Although, it was not a shock to you. After all, Sun Drop had said that she had not been in your home for well over a year.
You took another good look around the room and absorbed the aesthetics. The room had not retained the same level of artistry but did manage to keep it in some degree. Despite that you were only able to see the exterior of the kitchen, you still figured that the room exuded a sense of affluence. Rainbow Dash, on the other hoof, only managed to notice the refrigerator as she trotted over towards it with the most impudent of grins painted across her face. But it soon changed into disappointment as she found nothing in the refrigerator to eat.
Even I knew that there would be no food in there.
"What did you honestly expect? An entire feast waiting for you?" you asked.
"Hey, can't blame a filly for trying," she retorted as she slammed the refrigerator shut and knocked a substantial amount of dust towards her which caused her to sneeze loudly. She quickly regained her composure after having done so.
"Gah, it wouldn't have killed Sun Drop to come in here every once in a while to at least clean up the place."
You were reminded of what Sun Drop had said, that she could no longer return to your home because of her age, which you felt the need to remind Rainbow Dash of.
"You do remember that she said she was a bit too old to keep cleaning my home, correct?"
"Nah, I bet she's still got a good few years in her. And speaking of remembering things, I got a few more questions for you," Rainbow Dash quickly sneaked in.
You sighed heavily and loudly as you tried to make obvious your annoyance with her questioning. You believed you already had the answer in mind of the question she would ask, as you answered for her.
"The only thing I remember from my childhood, Rainbow Dash, is the night, along with when I had met you. Everything else is a fragment either of a memory or of an event. That is all I can recall."
"That's not what I was going to ask," she responded, in an 'as-a-matter-of-fact' tone. "I was going to ask how much you remember from when you came back to Ponyville."
You stood quiet for a second before fully realizing the true query of her question.
"You want to know what I've done ever since I've left the hospital."
Rainbow Dash walked closer to you as she restated her question.
"Well, sort of. I just wanna know how much you remember."
Why does that matter? Why does any of this matter?!
"What does it matter? My recollection of these last few days is perfectly fine," you pledged.
"These last few days... since you've left the hospital, right?"
You affirmed her question by nodding your head. Rainbow Dash cringed a bit, which only served to unnerve you. You raised an eyebrow as to why she had done so.
Rainbow Dash began with your name, "It's been more than two weeks since you've left the hospital. Not a few days."
A few weeks? But I'd just last spoken with Sigmund no more than three days ago! She is lying, she must be.
"How is that even possible? I've just spoke with Sigmund a few days ago. We discussed my departure from the hospital," you defended. You could even recall what he said about your monthly visits.
"I think we should have you visit me in my new office once a month."
Yet, Rainbow Dash seemed to be unconvinced that you had been released no more than three days ago.
"Uh huh... so when did we meet again for the first time?" she asked.
You rolled your eyes and began your retort. "Rainbow Dash, listen. I know what I am telling you. We first met again when I... when you... I was walking through the, uhm..."
Your mouth hung open and your voice trailed off as you could not recall the first time you had seen Rainbow Dash again.
How in Celestia's name did we first see each other?! I was walking through a hoof-beaten path and I... she... It was a dirt path! I just walked out of the path from Manehattan and we!...
"I flew into you," Rainbow Dash said, answering her own question.
The memory then returned to you of the day you had seen Rainbow Dash for the first time after having left the hospital. You flew up into the air to avoid any social contact with the ponies that were on the ground. However, you had not expected Rainbow Dash to have flown into you and send you back towards the earth.
"Right..." you sheepishly began, "and you said that, this was about two weeks ago?"
Rainbow Dash nodded and you proceeded to slowly pace around the room, stuck in your own thoughts.
It is not conceivable. How could I have let my memory escape me from these last two weeks? Why? I thought I had finally beaten this damned amnesia!
"Did you forget how I found out that it was you from flight school too?" Rainbow Dash asked again, which only caused more anguish for you as you tried to remember.
You halted your pacing as you brought a hoof up to your temple and began to circle it, hoping that it would recover the memory of when Rainbow Dash realized your true identity. You envisioned the setting, the small hillside that was surrounded by trees on one end and the dirt path that led back towards the town on the other. Nevertheless, when you placed yourself and Rainbow Dash in that setting, nothing spawned. You could not imagine yourself giving Rainbow Dash your case file and being able to confide in her so easily. You gritted your teeth as you softly pounded your head, expecting it to revive your forgotten memories of these last few weeks.
Remember dammit, remember! It was during the night! And I was standing right before her! And I, no wait... She started to... No, that's not right, that's not right!
"I saw your Cutie Mark."
You kept your hoof rested between your eyes as you opened them and saw Rainbow Dash. You had expected to see her boastful that her claim was correct, but as your eyes met, you knew she had become just as you were: discouraged and disheartened. Your hoof fell to the floor and your eyes trailed towards the ground as you recalled the night Rainbow Dash had seen through your guise. The two of you have fought; she had pinned you onto the ground twice and on her third attempt, she managed to unbuckle your saddlebag and allowed the contents to spill like a glass of water. And when you were busy furiously throwing your items back into your saddlebag, she had seen your mark.
"Huh...? Wait, I've seen that Cutie Mark before..."
When you directed your attention back towards Rainbow Dash, she still carried the anxious look. As you cut the direct eye contact between the two of you, you went down a few steps that placed you into another room without a connecting doorway. It seemed like the living room of your home. To the right was the vestibule of your home, where everything was bare and bland. This however, was just like the dining room. There was more subsistence in this room. The bookshelves were nearly full and there were two chairs in the center of the lowered room that faced a large picture window that covered the entire wall. The window began from the base of the floor that eventually began to slant into the top left corner of the window. The view it gave was that of the mountainside and the light rain that poured outside onto its frame. For a moment, you referred back to the question that Rainbow Dash had asked before. However, that only lasted a moment, as Rainbow Dash pulled your attention once more.
"So you can't remember what happened earlier today then, right? Or when you had asked about my past? And all the things I've done after you left?"
You did not bother to try to recall any of those memories. You knew it would be a waste of both time and effort on your part. And you still had not realized what Rainbow Dash was trying to get across with this analysis of your amnesia. Hesitant to answer her question, you turned the conversation back towards her.
"What are you trying to get at, Rainbow Dash? I know what I have. I know that I can’t remember a damn thing past no more than a few hours ago! Why bother reminding me of it?! As if that’s what I need!" you roared as you stomped your hoof on the floor.
"It doesn't make sense is what I'm saying. How come you can remember when we first met, but you can't remember that you went to go talk with your therapist today?" she questioned, not accusingly but with sincerity. However, this did not help relax you. Being reminded of all your conditions and all your ailments only further served to infuriate you.
"I don't know! Don't you think that if I knew why this happened that I would have remedied it long before?! I have no control over what I remember and what I do not! It is not a decision of my own! If it were, I would not be here in my own home, pondering whether or not my parents were wealthy! I would know!"
You had lost control. You lost control over the level of your voice. You lost control over what you were saying. Something else had taken a hold of you. And to Rainbow Dash was all of your rage being directed in one concentrated speech.
"I wouldn't be plagued by a depression and the recurring memory of my parents' death! I wouldn't have to struggle to remember what I had just done a few hours prior to now!"
Without thought, you reached for the nearest object you could grab with your wing; in this case, it was a glass pony figurine. And with one swift turn of your body, you released the glass figurine. It was not directed towards any specific direction. You just released it, and with a soft crack, it shattered into a number of small pieces, all with a distinct sound as the smaller pieces fell onto the tiled floor, some cracking even further, others not. As you stared at the now-disfigured figurine, you returned your attention back towards Rainbow Dash as you caught your breath. Her expression had not changed whatsoever. She still seemed dismayed, most likely at your outburst. When you finally felt yourself back in control of your own actions, you became enlightened.
Enlightened as to just how little you have progressed.
You have not learned how to control your anger and frustration and worst of all, you directed it towards one of the two ponies you trust. Your feelings of loss and hopelessness have yet to subside, despite years of psychological and therapeutic methods. You have been able to accumulate a total of one memory from your past and only because Rainbow Dash had told you what transpired that day. In addition, if it were not for her, the nightmare of your parents' demise would revisit you every night. Everything you have accomplished up to this point is because of her. Yet, here you stood, enraged and infuriated with her, when all she has done is attempted to help your pitiful, insufferable, agonized soul. You fell back and sat onto the ground as you stared into nothing for a few seconds.
Then, you felt something familiar begin to spawn inside you. You took in a shaky breath of air and let it out almost immediately. You tried once more but only managed to produce a whimper. As you clenched your teeth, you shut your eyes in hope that your tears would not form. But, as you felt them roll down your cheek, your hopes were dashed. You brought your hooves up to your face in a pathetic attempt to hide your tears but it was of no use.
It is no use. I'm destined to be forever in misery. Never to be able to experience joy or find happiness. And every waking moment of mine is spent harboring hatred and angst towards those who care for me. What good am I to others? Nothing! I should have killed myself when I was given the chance!
Then, you felt a wing wrap around your shoulder as your head was rested upon her shoulder. As you momentarily opened your eyes, you saw the blue wing wrapped around you and felt Rainbow Dash rest her head with yours.
"Hey, relax. Everything's gonna be okay," she soothingly cooed. And for that moment, it did seem as if everything would be fine. Whether it was your amour for her, or her fidelity for you, she always seemed to be able to pull you from the reaches of your depression and revive you. No matter how aggravated or desolated you seemed, she stayed loyal to you; she has never abandoned you, even when you prayed for her to do so. And as if it were a reflex, you managed to sputter something out.
"I'm... I'm s-sorry Rainbow Dash..."
You felt her wing tighten up around you as she brought you closer to her. She said nothing in return, yet her actions were enough to have allowed you to infer that she had accepted your apology. With that, your tears eventually began to subside which ended with a heavy sigh. Your eyes closed once more, as you relished in what little time left you had in this moment. There was no need for thoughts, no need for tears, and no need for misery. Just peace and serenity.
Then you felt Rainbow Dash's wing rub vigorously up and down your shoulder as she asked, "There, all better now?" She lifted her head up and turned to face you. The look you had on your face was not one of elation but nor was it one of pessimism. It was one of neutrality, although with the slightest hint of joy. You nodded your head in agreement, as you rose to your hooves. Rainbow Dash did the same as she said, "Well, whadaya say we keep looking through the rest of your home, huh?"
She's only trying to help. Say yes, dammit.
"Yes," you quickly responded.
"That's the spirit! Now c'mon, I think we've seen all there's to see downstairs. Why don't we check the next floor?" she asked rhetorically, as you knew your response would not make a difference. Before leaving, you took one last glance at the ornament you had destroyed. And then, you realized what you had done. You had just destroyed an ornament that had belonged to your mother and father.
You suddenly flinched at the unexpected ringing in your ears. The high-pitched whine that you had experienced before returned and caused you to bring a hoof up to your ear. But the whine was not coming from some other exterior force. It spawned entirely in your own conscience, the familiar, piercing, deafening whine that forced you to grit your teeth. The familiar noise that caught you off-guard so many times before, just like it had done so now. It was the familiar noise that served as a sign for the oncoming, inevitable flashback that you were bound to experience.
And that scared you. You were in the building in which your parents had been murdered, in just one room away for that matter. You knew what memory you would relive if you let yourself succumb to a flashback, and you were not about to let yourself do so. Yet, you grew weak as the world around your vision grew dark. It began to seem as if you were entering a tunnel, with the edges of your vision growing dark. You closed your eyes and tried to reimagine the world around you to prevent yourself from falling into another flashback, but it did not work in your favor. The complete darkness only made it easier for your consciousness to slip. But the whining slowly degraded. What replaced it was a voice; the voice of a whimpering colt.
“I’m sorry Mom, I didn’t mean to break it...”
You began to lose your grip on consciousness when you heard yet another voice. It was the voice of a mare, and it was not whimpering. It was soothing and angelic. The voice softly called out to you.
“It’s okay sweetheart,” the voice trailed.
Without any indication or thought, you stammered out, “W-what did you call me?” And it seemed that Rainbow Dash believed you were referring to her. Although you had your eyes shut, Rainbow Dash’s tone revealed that she was confused with you.
“I didn’t call you anything.”
There was little time between the end of her reply and the return of the voice you previously heard.
“Accidents happen, and this was an accident, right? Don’t be scared,” the voice cooed as she ended her sentence with your name.
And when the voice disappeared, so did your stressors. The ringing vanished and you found yourself no longer gritting your teeth. As you brought your head back up and noticed Rainbow Dash with concern marked across her face, you sighed.
“You were not talking to me, were you?” you dubiously questioned.
Rainbow Dash merely shook her head and followed up on your question.
“Why? Did you hear a voice?”
You imitated Rainbow Dash’s previous motion, only in the opposite direction that would imply that she was indeed correct. She asked you what the voice had said, but you responded with a blank stare.
“Well? What did it say? Who was it,” she asked as she stacked another question onto you.
“I don’t know,” you quickly responded.
“You don’t know? How do you not know what it said? Did it speak in a different language or something,” she asked, with a hint of frustration.
“No, it isn’t-” you began, “I know what the voice said, I just don’t know who the voice belongs to.”
Rainbow Dash tilted her head and raised an eyebrow before she proceeded to question you once more.
“So, are you still hearing this voice?”
Without hesitation, you answered, “No, not anymore. Let’s just continue before I change my mind about exploring the rest of... my house.”
Rainbow Dash nodded and turned around towards the foyer. You followed her back into the room with the single lone ornament. The entire time you followed her, you tried to solve the mystery behind the voice.
That voice... I haven’t known too many mares in my life. Rainbow Dash, a few nurses at the hospital that I can remember, and my own mother. And the other voiced called her, ‘Mom’. But surely that wasn’t her. That wasn’t her voice... was it? No, it couldn’t have been. I’d remember my own mother’s voice... wouldn’t I? Yes, of course I would. I’d d-
Your analysis was stopped short by you bumping into Rainbow Dash, which almost caused her to stumble. She glared at you and said, “C’mon, watch where you’re going!” You apologized, as that is all you could do, and she continued towards the stairs. She began to ascend the stairs when you looked back towards pool of non-existent blood once more. But rather than trying to spawn the blood through concentration and invocation alone, you focused on following Rainbow Dash up the stairs and placed the majority of your focus on not missing a step on the stairs. The staircase stuck to the wall as it made the formation of a right angle, which eventually led you to the second floor of your home.
The staircase eventually flattened and led both of you towards what seemed to be another living room, although smaller than the one you entered on the first floor. Besides it was a rather thick hallway that branched into three doors. As far you could tell, there was nothing of interest in this room; there was another shelf filled with books and a few chairs. However, there was something that did catch your interest, as well as Rainbow Dash’s.
Rainbow Dash looked towards you. “Is that a piano?”
It certainly appeared to be one, but you could not tell from this distance. You and Rainbow Dash both made your way closer towards the piano, only to see that Rainbow Dash was right.
A piano? I haven’t the slightest memory of this being in my home.
“I don’t remember you ever playing piano,” Rainbow Dash remarked as she ran her hoof across the lid.
“Nor do I.”
“Well, do you think your mom or dad might have played it?” she asked.
You gave her a distinct look that told her you did not know. Luckily, she picked up on your look.
“Alright, alright. Let’s just check out the rest of your house.”
You nodded and Rainbow Dash started for the hallway. Upon approaching the first door, Rainbow Dash halted and opened the door. To your surprise, it was merely a bathroom.
“It’s just a bathroom, nothing interesting in here.” Rainbow Dash closed the door without giving you a chance to look inside. However, you figured that she was right, and that there was no reason for you to enter the bathroom. Rainbow Dash made her way to the final two rooms of your home. One had a single door, and the other was a double door.
“So, which room do you wanna check out first?” she asked.
As you compared both of the doors, you fixated yourself on the single door. You gazed at it and you felt a strange sensation from the door. It seemed that the door had pushed you away. And as you then changed your focus onto the double doors, they seemed to be the opposite. They seemed to be more inviting and comforting. Without speaking aloud, you entered into the double door room.
“Alright then,” you heard behind you as you observed the environment. The light in the room barely shined through the curtains and blinds, and the air was thick inside the room. It was stuffy, despite the gentle rain outside. On the far left was a large bed caked with dust on its frame and sheets, along with the pillows. The walls were adorned with various paintings that ranged from flowers to entire landscapes. There was a dresser with a large mirror seated on top of it.
To the right was the walk-in bathroom, with a bathtub connected to a shower. Across from it, on the other side of the wall, was a mirror that extended between the two closets. The windows were much higher in this portion of the room, but the blinds still prevented light from flourishing in the room. Rainbow Dash entered the walk-in bathroom alongside you.
“So I’m guessing this is the master bedroom,” she said as she took a look inside one of the closets.
Unsure of what she meant by ‘master bedroom’, you repeated it to her.
“Master bedroom?”
“Yeah, y’know, the biggest room in the house.” She then whistled and made a remark about the amount of clothes inside one closet. “This might give Rarity a run for her money.”
You ignored her for a moment as you realized that this was likely your parents’ room.
Well, that explains why Rainbow Dash found plenty of clothing inside just one closet.
You walked towards the other closet with a premonition of what you would find inside of it. When you opened it and found more clothing inside, you scoffed and muttered to yourself, “Figures.”
Rainbow Dash seemed to have not heard you, as she asked, “What’s in the other closet?”
“Just more clothes,” you replied as you shut the door.
“Shoulda guessed. Well c’mon, I think we’ve seen all there is to see in this room. We’ve got one more room left, so let’s check it out.”
You sighed in despair, as you remembered the aura that emerged from that door. It was dark and foreboding, not inviting and pleasant. Yet, you had no choice. Rainbow Dash had already made her way out of the room, and you knew that she would want you to follow her. You stepped out back into the hallway and shut the doors with your wings. You turned back towards the door and stared at it for a few good seconds before Rainbow Dash broke the silence.
“Last room. Let’s see what we find in here.”
However, you were not as enthusiastic as Rainbow Dash was. You were afraid of what you would find. But, you knew all too well that If you tried to object, Rainbow Dash would argue that It was the last room in your house, and that after the two of you had seen what hid behind the door, then you could leave. So, you decided to keep your mouth shut and trust Rainbow Dash. As she turned open the door handle, she ever so slightly opened a crack to see what was inside. You tried to look over her, but she pulled the door back to cover the small indent she had open. Before you could question why, she chuckled.
“We shoulda known what this room was gonna be,” she said as she swung the door open.
She took a few steps in and moved towards the side to allow you space inside. The last room was different than any other room In your home. It was unlike any of the facilities, nor was it like the master bedroom with a few ornaments and the paintings of landscapes and such. This room had posters and pictures on the walls. There was a single, lone bed in the middle of the room, with a countertop on both sides of it. A small desk was right beneath the window with blinds and drapes, again, only letting in a few rays of light. The pitter-patter of the rain against the glass was much more audible in this room. On the other side of the room, adjacent from the window was a shelf built into the wall, with various books and toys, among other things.
Upon closer inspection, you could see that the posters were actually Wonderbolt posters, and the sheets on the bed, although covered in dust, had the trademark symbol of the Wonderbolts. Slowly, the pieces started to come together as you came the realization.
“This is your room! It has to be, ‘cuz I know my room was like this when I was a filly,” Rainbow Dash rationalized.
You took another good look around the room and reasoned the same as she had. This was your room.
“Huh, y’know I’ve never actually been inside your room before now that I think about it. Guess you really were into the Wonderbolts,” she noted as she closed the door behind you.
You stayed quiet for a few more seconds as you took in the notion that you were in the same room that you slept in nearly eight years ago.
Rainbow Dash stepped up to one of the posters and wiped the dust off with her wing, as she mentioned, “I dunno if you remember, but you wanted to be a Wonderbolt when you were a colt.”
The majority of the poster was revealed as Rainbow Dash folded her wing back in place. It displayed three Wonderbolts in their traditional outfits as the looked onwards towards the sky, with black outlines that flew through the sky. At the bottom were two lightning bolts that stood in between the Wonderbolt symbol. However, you did not receive any sensation of familiarity or recognition from the poster. But, if Rainbow Dash said it to be true, then you figured that it was just that.
Rainbow Dash then made her way to your desk before she said, “You do know this is your house, right? You can look wherever you want. Stop just standing there and look around a bit.”
You were about to respond before you quickly understood that she was right. While Rainbow Dash went through what was your desk, you looked at the various items on your shelf. There were books and a few toys, but nothing of interest. You decided to pick up one of the books to see what the content matter was. As you lifted the closest book towards you, you dusted it off and read the title. The Basics of Multiplication and Division.
“A math book?” you spoke to yourself.
Rainbow Dash softly laughed and said, “Yeah, you were kind of an egghead when you were a colt. Always studyin’ and stuff.”
You gave no reaction towards her comment and proceeded to place the book back on the shelf. You looked over the other items on the shelf, but found nothing of attraction. You turned around and saw Rainbow Dash still fumbling through your desk. You looked at the rest of your room, and still found nothing of interest. However, you considered this to be a blessing. This meant you could now leave your home, and perhaps if you were lucky, would never have to return.
“Rainbow Dash,” you began, with a hint of excitement in your voice, “we’ve looked in all the rooms in this house. We’ve looked in about just every corner, and we’ve done everything you wanted to do. Can we leave now? It’s obvious that I won’t be recalling any memories here, anytime soon.”
Not to be so easily swayed, Rainbow Dash attempted to put up one final fight. She closed the top drawer of your desk and turned to face you. “But wait, I bet there’s some things we probably missed and I bet tha-”.
The expression on your face was all she needed to see before she gave up.
“Ugh, fine. Let’s just go then,” she sighed as she made her way towards the door. Satisfied that she had agreed with you so quickly, you reached for the door handle. Rainbow Dash arrived at your side and as she did, you turned the handle and began to pull the door open.
“Woah, hold up!”
Yet as you did, Rainbow Dash slammed the door shut and pulled you a bit forward. Aggravated that she had found one last item to bring focus on, you growed, “What? What is it this time?”
Rainbow Dash pointed towards the door, or more specifically, a calendar that hung on the door. You took a glimpse at the calendar before you returned to your attention towards Rainbow Dash.
“What about the calendar?” you asked, slightly less irritated than before.
As Rainbow Dash put her hoof down, she said, “Check out the dates.”
You sighed out loud as an attempt to show your discontent with Rainbow Dash and you took a look at the calendar once more. It had a Wonderbolt design on the top half, which was no surprise as your room was decorated with it, and the actual month and date on the bottom half. As you inspected the calendar, you noticed the dates all had something in common. In red ink, there was a circle with an ‘X’ through each date. It went on with the same pattern for about two weeks or so, until the last marked date was merely circled. There was no ‘X’ through it, it was only a hastily drawn circle.
You dropped your head and sighed, “What does this have to do with anything?”
You picked your head back up in time for Rainbow Dash’s response. “Look at the circled date.”
Again, you observed it and took note of the actual numerical date and month. However, you still found no relevance or significance in it, which left you to ask once more.
“I still don’t see wh-”
“C’mon, doesn’t that date mean anything to you?” she hastily interrupted.
You rolled your eyes and examined the calendar one last time.
Well, every date has the same circle with an ‘X’ through it, save for the last marked date. And... if I had really done this for every day...
Before you could even finish your own though, Rainbow Dash interrupted once more.
“Agh, listen dude. It was a really important day. We were at school, and we were taking a test, remember-”
Just then, your vision quickly flashed to white and back and caused you to flinch.
“-and then after the test I came up to you and said-”
”All I could think about was the competition today!”
And the ringing returned to your ears. Your breathing quickened and you struggled to keep your eyes open. As you brought your right hoof to cover your ear, Rainbow Dash noticed.
She called out your name first, “Is it happening? Are you having another flashback?”
Hello fillies and gentlecolts! And welcome to Cloudsdale-
The voice was cut off by Rainbow Dash who called your name once more, louder this time around. She asked the same question right as you saw an image of the colosseum you had visited with Rainbow Dash the other day.
It’s happening again, another flashback!
You felt a pang of fear travel through your body as your spine chilled, afraid of what you would encounter in your flashback. As you learned before, not every flashback was pleasant, and for all you knew, you might just re-experience the night you found your parents. However, you did not have time to ponder whether or not that would be the case this time, as Rainbow Dash pulled you up off your front hooves and stared into your eyes and repeated her question one last time in a desperate attempt to gather your attention.
What? No way, we’ve been training months for this!
The ringing became stronger and you shut your eyes and gritted your teeth as a reflex. However, in between breaths, you managed to shout, “Yes!” Rainbow Dash set you back down as you kept your eyes shut and as your heart rate quickened. Then, you felt her set you down on your back. You forced yourself to open your eyes, but your vision was fading quickly. With every passing second, it became darker and blurrier, and your hearing began to suffer as well, with the audible pitter-patter of the rain now becoming a dull drone. Rainbow Dash spoke one last time.
“Don’t worry,” she said and continued with your name, “I’ll be here when you wake up.” Her voice became more detached, and it sounded as if she was leaving the room despite the fact that you could see her still stand over you, with one of her hooves on yours. You closed your eyes, unable to keep them open any longer.
“I’m not going anywhere unti-”
And that was the last you heard.
As you sat in your seat, you circled in bubble C for number fifty. You set your pencil and went to the teacher's desk to turn in your exam. You placed your exam on her desk. The teacher did not look up from whatever it was she was reading, so you simply returned to your desk. On your way back, you saw many of your classmates still on the test: some were still on the first page, others were on the final page. And then, you saw your friend, who sat across the room from and saw that she was struggling with the same exam you had just breezed through. You couldn't help but feel guilty as you were the reason she was struggling; rather, it was a lack of you. Normally, you would be the one to help her study for such an exam, but ever since the the teacher had moved the both of you apart, that was no longer the case. You sat down in your seat and reached into your desk for your history book to brush up on your knowledge of the history of Cloudsdale. After all, you had just taken a test about the founding of Cloudsdale. As you skimmed through the last chapter you read, you gave yourself a silent cheer, having given yourself a boost of confidence that you may very well have aced the exam. You returned the book into your desk and placed your hooves on your desk.
You turned to the clock on the wall to check the time, in hope that the class would end soon. You were disappointed to find that there were still ten minutes until the end of the class. You slumped further into your seat and sighed. You stared at the ceiling and began to count the number of ceiling tiles. You counted the first row and found that there were eight tiles. You counted it once more to double check, and confirmed that there were eight tiles in the first row. Then you counted the first column. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. There were seven tiles in the first column. You counted once more to be sure. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. You brought up your hoof to cover your mouth while you yawned and proceeded to multiply seven by eight. You concluded that there were 56 tiles.
You picked your head back up and read the time on the clock, only to find that there were still nine minutes and 37 seconds left. You quietly groaned and crossed your hooves onto your desk. You turned back once more to your friend and saw that she was tapping her forehead, as if doing so would unlock an answer for her. You turned forward and rested your head on your hooves, and hoped that the next nine minutes would pass quickly. After a couple of seconds, you open your eyes and observed the room. You saw that some of your classmates had finished, but that there were still a few students working on the test. Afterwards, you turned your attention to your desk and studied the design of it. It was only a few seconds until you started to focus on your hooves. You lightly clicked them against the desk and slowly shaped the disorganized rhythm of clicks into the Junior Speedsters melody. You repeated the song that you swore you would never forget. You continued it for a couple of seconds until your attention span ran out.
You started to turn towards the clock to check the time but you stop yourself. You knew if you checked the time so quickly before the last time you checked, time would seem endless. You resisted the urge to check for now. To help pass the time, you looked over to your friend once more who was now banging her head against her desk in what you assumed was frustration. Normally, you would feel pity for her, but the sight of her hitting her head against the desk was too much for you. You quickly turned forward and covered your mouth to stifle your snicker. The last thing you wanted was to be the only pony laughing in a quiet classroom.
After you successfully hid your laugh, you suddenly had the urge you had before. The sudden urge to check the time returned. You knew that if you turned towards the clock, you would be upset. You knew that checking the time right now would only make you mad. It was an itch that you couldn’t reach. Your head began to turn but you continued to avert your eyes. The temptation was too much. The itching to know how much time was left grew too powerful. You quickly turned towards the clock and saw the time.
There were two minutes and 47 seconds remaining. You rolled your eyes but in truth, you were slightly relieved that the time had gone quickly enough. As you looked towards your classmates once more, you saw that most of them, if not all had finished the exam. All except for your friend, who was in a race against the clock. You averted your eyes forward and leaned on your hoof as you daydreamed about leaving the class and returning home which kept you occupied for a minute or so. However, the teacher’s clearing of her throat snapped you out of it. As you sat up straight and brought your hooves down, you noticed that the teacher was staring at your friend. You quickly glanced at the clock and saw that there was no more than 30 seconds left. Your friend was quite audible when she grumbled and carried her test to the teacher, whose expression had not changed from its original disapproving look. Your friend returned to her seat, and right before the teacher could announce anything more, the glorious sound of the bell rang across the school. After sitting through what seemed to be an eternity for you, you could not help but whisper, ‘finally’ to yourself. The teacher dismissed all of you before she returned to her seat.
As you climbed out of your seat, you stared at your desk as you created a mental note of what you would need to bring home tonight. You pondered whether you would need to bring your ‘Basics of Multiplication and Division’ book or your ‘Cloudsdale History’ book, but you concluded that you need not bring anything, which only brought you more joy to this day. You have a very high likelihood of receiving a perfect score on your test, and you did not have to bother with the heavy weight of the books to wear you down. You felt the need to hum to yourself to use up some of the energy that you felt inside of yourself. You left your seat and merged into the sea of ponies that were exiting the room and lost yourself among the horde. As you waddled your way into the exit, you were greeted with the warmth and brightness of one of the sunniest days you’ve seen. The sun was preparing itself to set within the next few hours or so. There was not a cloud to be spotted in the sky and there was a soft, refreshing breeze that blew through the air.
“Hey.”
The taut, depressing voice came from behind you, yet you did not need to turn around to see who it was. You only slightly turned your head to your side to greet your friend.
“Hey Dash, what’s up?”
“What’s up? How about me totally just bombing that test?!”
Your glee was suddenly brought down a touch with Rainbow Dash’s remark. You brought your hoof up to rub the back of your head and hoped that it would ease the guilt you felt.
“Yeah, sorry about that Dash. I couldn’t get any free time, been busy y’know?” Rainbow Dash began to flap her wings and said, “Yeah, well I couldn’t concentrate anyways. All I could think about was the competition today! And we better get going soon, we gotta sign up.”
As Rainbow Dash took to the air, you realized you had no idea what she was talking about. Before she could go any farther, you called her back.
“Dash, wait!”
She came to a complete stop and glared at you for a second before she sped back towards you.
“What dude? We can’t be late!” she exclaimed, arms crossed and wings still flapping.
You had a premonition that your next question was only about to anger Rainbow Dash even further.
“What competition are you talking about?”
You took a few steps back from Rainbow Dash as her jaw dropped.
“What?! I- it’s the, I can’t beli- Are you kidding me dude?!” she stammered, something you have rarely seen her do.
You stayed quiet as you took one more step backwards and raised your hoof off the ground.
“The competition that’s starting at the Cloudsdale Colosseum in like, 10 minutes?!” she shouted while she threw her hooves in the air, all while she still hovered.
And when she reminded you of the location, it seemed to connect the synapses in your mind, as a flood of memories of months of training came back to you. The competition was a race created by your school, however it was not a normal race of the quickest. No, you knew Rainbow Dash was already the quickest. The race had a different set of rules. There were to be 10 teams of two. These two ponies would be tied together with rope around their waists, leaving their inner wings useless. Thus, the two ponies would have to work and coordinate with each other and use their outer, free wings to race through the track while avoiding various obstacles. The school called it a “three-winged race”, which confused you as, technically, only two wings were still being flapped. Furthermore, the event was being called the “10th annual Relay Race”. There was no form of relay whatsoever. Nevertheless, you did not give it much thought, as you remembered spending the last two months or so training with Rainbow Dash for the race.
The first attempts were clumsy and without grace, so much so that you did not dare to practice without being over a cloud for safety. However, after the first two to three weeks of training, you and Rainbow Dash had finally achieved a rhythm, a flow. Then, after more practice, the two of you acted as a single unit, being able to swerve and dodge clouds and obstacles. It benefited both of you, as you were able to train yourself to become a better, stronger flyer and you were able to help Rainbow Dash with her homework. At least before she became bored and wanted to go back to training.
Having remembered all this, you now understood why Rainbow Dash had become so upset that you’d forgotten two to three months worth of training. And all you could muster was a meek apology.
“Oh, right... Sorry Dash, it totally slipped my mind.”
Fortunately for you, Rainbow Dash just grumbled to herself as she crossed her arms and said, “It’s fine I guess. But seriously, we need to go sign up before the competition starts!”
And without thinking, you told her that you could not.
“I can’t Dash. I gotta go home early today.”
Once again, her jaw dropped but this time, her eyebrows furrowed.
“What? No way, we’ve been training months for this!” she shouted again, this time having made you flinch.
“I’m sorry Dash, but I promised my p-”
Rainbow Dash landed back onto the cloud and pushed her hooves into your shoulders. You were now face-to-face with Rainbow Dash, who you knew would not let you go so easily.
“C’mon, it won’t even be for that long, like not even an hour! And it’ll go quicker the sooner we sign up and the faster we race!”
With Rainbow Dash’s hooves still on your shoulders, you stayed silent for several seconds with your eyes wandering around as you contemplated the consequences of staying long enough for the competition. Eventually, you reached your decision.
“Fine. Let’s go, I don’t wanna waste like three months of training for nothing!” you exclaimed as Rainbow Dash managed to reignite your excitement for the competition.
Rainbow Dash took to the sky, performed a quick frontflip and gave a rather loud cheer.
“Yes! Now c’mon, let’s go!”
You nodded and unfurled your wings, as you did not want to waste any more time than you already had. As soon as your hooves left the ground, Rainbow Dash bolted towards the colosseum which left you little time to keep up with her. The colosseum was not too far from the school, since it was mostly used by the school for events or for flight training. After a few minutes of high-speed flying, the two of your reached the massive colosseum. There were numerous flags on top of the ring of the colosseum that flapped from the gentle breeze, along with with the row of arches on each level of the colosseum, save for the very first level. There was an audible roar of a crowd that could be heard from the outside, but you were already preoccupied with pursuing Rainbow Dash to be nervous of the massive crowd. Finally, Rainbow Dash landed on the base of the cloud, right next to the tunnel entrance of the colosseum. You were still a few seconds behind and you were quickly running short on breath. You saw that she was already speaking to the mare at the table and that Rainbow Dash pointed towards you as you landed next to her. You did not have time to catch your breath before the mare that sat at the table began to speak.
“You two are late. I’m afraid I can’t let either of y-”
As you caught your breath, Rainbow Dash interrupted (a common habit of hers) the mare and began to explain your situation, all in one breath of air.
“Look we know we’re late but we’re not here to watch the competition because we’re in the competition because we’re team six!”
The mare stared at both of you as she repositioned her glasses and cleared her throat. She looked at her clipboard and began to mouth the names that she read. After a few moments, she spoke up.
“Ah, yes. A miss Rainbow Dash and a mister-”
Before she was able to read your name, Rainbow Dash interjected.
“Yes, that’s us! That’s us! Can we go in now?!”
The mare placed her clipboard down and reached under the table she sat behind. As she propped herself back up, she placed two square slips of paper on the table, both marked with a bolded number ‘6’.
“Make sure you put these on before you go onto the field. Now, go into the tunnel and keep going straight until you see a stallion in a referee’s shirt.”
Rainbow Dash snatched one the number cards and took off into the tunnel before you were able to grasp what she had just done. You reached for what was now your number card and thanked the mare behind the desk. Then, you heard your name echo from the tunnel.
You placed your number card in its proper position and said, “Thank you miss,” before you went into a dead sprint down the tunnel that Rainbow Dash went in. As you entered the tunnel, you heard a “good luck” behind you. You moved further into the tunnel and eventually caught up with Rainbow Dash who stood right before the aforementioned stallion in a white and black striped shirt. Just a mere few feet from the other end of the tunnel, the stallion had a coil of rope that hung from one of his wings. Upon having seen the rope, Rainbow Dash placed herself right at your left side in preparation for the rope. The stallion uncoiled the rope and began to use his wings to tie the rope around you and Rainbow Dash. You did not give the procedure much thought, as the two of you have gone through this multiple times, albeit with the help of another pony. If anything, you were surprised Rainbow Dash was able to sit still enough for the stallion to finish his job.
“There, should be nice and snug. See if you can get your wings out,” he requested.
Without fault, you and Rainbow Dash unfurled your respective outer wings and displayed the two-toned wingspread.
The stallion nodded, “Good. Alright, you’re just gonna walk out onto the stage and we’ll let you know when you need to get into your spot.”
Both you and Rainbow Dash nodded in unison, but it soon became clear something the two of you had not practiced. Rainbow Dash took off once again as she had done before, however, being bound to you, she caused the two of you to stumble.
“Agh,” she grunted, “dude c’mon! Let’s go!”
“Well, we gotta take it slow. One hoof at a time, alright?” you tried to explain.
Despite the first step being in unison, Rainbow Dash’s impatience made it difficult for you to find a rhythm as you had done so with flight in this form. Nevertheless, you quickened your pace to match Rainbow Dash’s as the two of you walked out onto the stage.
The roar of the crowd you had heard before was now much louder and sharper. Although the colosseum was far from being completely filled, there were still quite a number of attendants. When you turned your attention towards the course, you could begin to feel the butterflies in your stomach. The race track was far more intricate and puzzling than the clouds you and Rainbow Dash flew around. There were pillars of clouds that were positioned close to each other. As from what you could see, you judged that no more than four ponies could fly in between each pillar at any given point. The next portion, fortunately, was something you were more experienced with; it was simply clouds, riddled without rhyme or reason. You assumed you would just have to avoid them as you’ve done before. What followed was a series of cloud rings that took sharp turns and loops around the entire track. Again, the spacing was anything but sparse. And the more you reexamined the track, the more nervous you became about your abilities and your limitations. And it seems Rainbow Dash could sense so.
“Hey, you’re not nervous are ya?” she asked as she came to a halt without notice.
You nearly stumbled once more but you were able to keep your composure as you answered her question.
“What? Hah,” you nervously laughed, “not at all!”
She shot you a smile and said, “Good! Besides, this isn’t anything we can’t handle.”
Your mouth became dry and you reflexively gulped as you glanced back towards the track.
“Y-yeah,” you stammered, “nothing we can’t handle..”
You weren’t sure if Rainbow Dash simply could not hear the shakiness in your voice or whether she simply ignored it. Regardless of either-or, she spoke up.
“Alright, let’s get to our spot,” she said as she began to slowly move her hoof and waited for yours.
You then moved your hoof in unison with hers and gradually made your way towards the small area labeled with the number “6” on the edge of the stage. Both of you came to a stop right before the edge, and you could not help but peer over it. Although very distant, you could see the grassy fields of Equestria, with a thin dirt trail that continued for what seemed like miles. You were not frightened by the fact that you and Rainbow Dash might plummet to your death because of your inability to fly together as one. You and her have proven yourselves more than capable of being able to do so. What you were scared of was being made a fool of in front of an entire audience and 18 or so other racers, especially since it you would not be the only one to suffer from the humiliation. You studied the track and tried to imagine yourself racing through each obstacle. But, your concentration was broken by the sound of your voice being spoken by another pony.
“Haha, I can’t believe you’re racing with a filly!”
You took your vision away from the track and turned it to the left, only to see two familiar ponies. One with a coat of dark brown, and the other with a color akin to a light bronze. Normally, you’d speak up for yourself and Rainbow Dash but with your stomach in a knot and your heart nearly beating out of your chest, you could not. Even so, Rainbow Dash gave a retort.
“Yeah, we’ll see who’s laughing at the end of this race!” she boastfully claimed.
And before the two other ponies could make a reply, you heard somepony behind you shout, “Racers, take your places!”
Now, your heart began to beat much faster than it had before, so much so that you were afraid Rainbow Dash would be able to hear because of the proximity. You looked around and saw the other racers slowly making their way to their lane. Although you did not admit it, you had unconsciously hoped that something would go awry and that it would further delay the race. However, when you heard the booming voice of the announcer ask the attendants to take their seats, you knew that the start of the race was inevitable.
“You sure you’re ready for this?” Rainbow Dash asked one last time.
And if you were to be honest, you were not. The crushing anxiety and doubt you felt was overwhelming and you were sure that heart rates as fast as yours were impossible. But, the fear of losing and having humiliation cast upon you and, more importantly, Rainbow Dash was far more insurmountable than the nervousness you felt now. And for that, you were willing to snap out of your current state and give these next few minutes your all. You took in a deep breath and reassured Rainbow Dash.
“I could ask you the same thing!”
Then, the announcer began to speak.
“Hello fillies and gentlecolts! And welcome to Cloudsdale Junior Flight School’s 10th annual Relay Race!”
The thought crossed you again as to why it was called a relay race but before you could contemplate as to why, the announcer started up again.
“Please allow me to introduce our contestants today! On team one, we have-”
Rainbow Dash, apparently not interested in being introduced to her fellow competitors, spoke to you.
“Hey, so you remember the plan, right?”
The plan being to win.
“Hay yeah, I do! We’ve practice for like, months!” you responded in your best attempt to keep your spirits up.
“Remember, it’s first place or nothing!”
The announcer must have breezed through the names quicker than you expected, as he was now about to announce the start of the race.
“So, without further ado, let’s get started!”
This time, you took the initiative in having the first word.
“Alright, this is it!” you exclaimed, in a final attempt to clear your anxiety.
“Months of training all comes down to this!”
As the crowd cheered and roared with excitement, the announcer started, “Racers, get ready!”
Rainbow Dash unfurled her outer-wing as she said, “Okay, come on! Open your wing!”
“Yeah, I got it!” you shouted as you mimicked her action.
Now, there were only a few seconds until the start of the race. You swiftly glanced at all the other contestants to see them prepared and in position for take-off. The announcer then began his countdown.
“In five, four,” he started.
Everything seemed to slow down as you looked around the colosseum. You could still hear the announcer’s voice echo in the background, but everything seemed still. The crowd was quiet, as was Rainbow Dash, and the other contestants kept their eyes open and glued forward. The soft breeze that blew the flags overhead before seemed to be nonexistent. “-three,” the announcer continued.
And yet, you could still feel the breeze blow through your mane. Your heart still beat incredibly fast, and your mind still raced around hundreds of thoughts and outcomes regarding the race.
“-two,” the announcer continued.
There was no noise or sound to be heard, save for your heartbeat. You flapped your wing once to ensure no mistakes upon take-off. Before you knew it, the announcer reached the final number in his sequence.
“-one...” the announcer continued.
And as if you were taken from your short time-lapse and thrust back into the current timeline, everything instantaneously returned. The rumble of the crowd to the breeze that was previously present were all now present.
“GO!”
Your wings pushed as hard as you possibly could as you propelled yourself and Rainbow Dash into the middle of the pack. With your forehooves out, you struggled to even maintain your middle status in the race. As the pillars of clouds quickly approached, both you and Rainbow Dash moved further to the right of the pack to give yourselves more leeway. You kept your eyes glued onto the leader, as you knew that their position was your goal. The leaders of the race then tried to fly around the first pillar, but to their dismay, came to close and crashed into it. They began to spun out away from the track and granted themselves the last place in the race. You quickly counted how many places you were away from first and found that you were still three away. The three teams ahead of you made their way around the pillars of clouds easily enough and now your turn quickly approached.
Rainbow Dash tilted her body sideways as the other teams had, and allowed you and her to fly between the first pillar with ease. Upon reaching the next set, she continued to to turn until a complete turn was made with you on the opposite end. You used your wing to keep the momentum that you and Rainbow Dash had. You continued this pattern of twists and flips until you reached the end of the pillar segment, with both of you upright and having been able to maintain your speed unlike the racers ahead. And as they came upon the first major turn, they were unable to make a fluid turn. You could hear Rainbow Dash cheer as you and her took the lead. Now confident with your current position, you lost all the anxiety you previously felt. As you reached the portion of the race riddled with clouds in no definite pattern, you began to flap your wings harder to guarantee your victory in the race. You and Rainbow Dash dodged the first cloud, ducked under the second, and flew above the third cloud. Now as the clouds became more tightly niched, you knew that there was no longer room for error. You came upon the patch of clouds, but before you and Rainbow Dash could maneuver around them, the other team that had heckled you before came up too close to Rainbow Dash. And, to avoid being bumped into a cloud by them, Rainbow Dash jerked upwards to save herself. However, you were not so lucky.
As you were pulled up by Rainbow Dash’s sudden movement, your wing clipped right into one of the clouds. Had it been any other cloud, you might not have even felt you doing so. But these clouds were designed to absorb impacts by fast-flying ponies. And thus, your wing absorbed the propulsion of two ponies flying incredibly fast into a small area. You shouted in pain and retracted your wing back, which caused you and Rainbow Dash to descend and fast.
“Hey what’s the matter with you?! Get your wing out!” she hastily yelled.
You listened and as you did, an indescribable pain emerged in the lower section of your outer wing. Every time you flapped your wing, you winced in pain. You entered back into the race and were now just one place behind the lead with the other racers not far behind you. You were now in the second turn of the race, which lead to the cloud rings that you were to fly through. Although the space was small, you could overtake the leader if you were fast enough. However, that proved challenging as every second you stayed suspended, the more pain you endured. And when you saw out of the corner in your eye the other team about to overtake you, Rainbow Dash growled and began to push herself further than you had ever seen.
As you and Rainbow Dash passed the first cloud ring, the pain started to become unbearable. But you reminded yourself how much worse you would feel if you were the reason as to why you and Rainbow Dash lost the race. The shame and guilt as well as the constant teasing and torment the other ponies would give you and Rainbow Dash for losing was unimaginable. Upon that realization, you started to match Rainbow Dash’s speed as well as her determination for first place. You tried your hardest to shut out the pain you felt and instead focused on the leaders of the race. As you passed through the final cloud ring, you were now just a few inches away from being neck-to-neck with the leaders of the race. As you and Rainbow Dash made your way around the last turn, you reached the final stretch of the race. It was truly that. There were no obstacles to avoid, no clouds to fly around or rings to pass through. It was an open airfield with the finish line at the other end, with enough landing space for each team. And as you corrected your orientation from the last turn, you mustered all the energy you had left and pushed yourself forward as much as you could. Rainbow Dash did the same and the two of you eventually reached the leaders. As far as you could tell, the other racers were nowhere near close. You heard the announcer energize the crowd and shouted about how the race was going to be a photo finish.
As the finish line crept closer, you shut out your surroundings and only focused on being the first one to cross it. You pushed your hooves further out and gave your last measure of energy to fly faster than you had ever done so before. With time having passed so quickly, it wasn’t apparent that you were just a foot away from the finish line. Unfortunately, so was the other team of ponies that had taunted you. And in less than a second, both you and the other team passed the finish line.
The announcer exclaimed, “And the winner is…”
He began his sentence before you and Rainbow Dash were able to slow down to a complete stop. But eventually, you and Rainbow Dash were able to land on the cloud and the two of you began to catch your breath. You looked around and stared at the announcer for what seemed to be an eternity. The other team what you had raced for the finish was not too far from you and were doing the same as you were. And the announcer stated the winner of the race.
“Team six!”
And with that, you felt the heavy burden that you carried with you across the majority of the race lifted off your shoulders. You let your wing retract back into its place, all the while Rainbow Dash cheered. Then, one of the referees came by and undid the knot of the rope which freed both you and Rainbow Dash. She turned to you and expressed her enjoyment from having won the race.
“We did it! We got first place! I knew we could do it!”
You wanted to show the same amount of elation for victory, but you were exhausted, and most of all, relieved that you had not cost Rainbow Dash the race. The announcer began to announce the placements of the other racers, but you did not pay any attention to it. As you looked towards the other teams, you could see them having their ropes undone by other referees. Something then caught the corner of your eye, and it was a referee with a golden trophy in his hooves. You turned to Rainbow Dash whose eyes lit up when she noticed it.
“Congratulations on getting first place, kids!” he said as he placed the trophy before you and Rainbow Dash.
He then walked off and allowed both you and Rainbow Dash to awe in its glory. The trophy was gold and had a small golden image of two ponies that were flying side-by-side.
“Dude, this trophy’s so cool!” she remarked.
You were still out of breath, but you managed to agree with her.
“Yeah, it sure is.”
While Rainbow Dash continued to ogle the trophy, you looked back towards your number card to remove it only to notice a different color in your coat that hid under the card.
“Huh? What the…” you whispered to yourself.
You peeled away the card and you nearly could not believe what your eyes saw.
There was an image of a grey cloud, with three rays of sunshine that pierced through them, and slightly expanded until they reached an abrupt stop.
This was your Cutie Mark.
And Rainbow Dash noticed that you were lost in your own world.
“Woah, dude! You got your Cutie Mark!”
You were still in a daze. You had received your Cutie Mark and yet, you were not aware of the meaning behind it.
“B-but, I have no idea what it means! I don’t get it, what does it mean my special talent is?”
And then, your vision went dark.
You opened your eyes and found yourself in a nearly dark room. You could hear what sounded like drops of rain that fell onto a window. As you looked around, you remembered where you were and what you had been doing. You were in your room, when a certain date on the calendar had just reminded you of the day you received your Cutie Mark. As you looked towards the floor, you saw your saddlebag leaned up against the desk in your room. Once you regained your memory of where you were, you noticed that you lied in your bed with a blanket draped over you. You also felt a soft breathing on your neck as well as hooves wrapped your forelegs. It was then that you noticed the warmth that resonated all through your back and onto your hind legs. You quickly threw up the blanket and lifted yourself off from the bed. And Rainbow Dash awoke from the commotion you created.
She begun with a heavy yawn and said, “Finally you’re awake. You were asleep for a long time.”
You ignored her comment and made one of your own.
“I remember, Rainbow Dash,” you said without emotion.
“What do you remember?” Rainbow Dash asked as she ended with your name. The emotion in her response was lacking as well, although you figured that it may have been due to how tired she was.
“I remember when I got my Cutie Mark.”
What you expected was for her to be extremely ecstatic about, arguably, one of the pinnacle events in your life. You expected her to ask hundreds of questions about what you remembered, about the meaning of your Cutie Mark and if you ever solved the mystery behind it, and what else you could remember from the flashback.
What you expected and what you obtained were two different things.
“That’s,” Rainbow Dash yawned once more, “great but I’m tired. Can we talk about this in the morning?”
Shocked to see that she was not as interested as you had expected, you remarked, “S-sure, I suppose it wouldn’t make a difference.”
She seemed to notice that you were surprised at her reaction.
“Look, it’s not that I don’t care or anything. I’m just tired. Now, c’mon,” she said, half asleep.
You sighed at the fact that you would have to travel all the way back towards Rainbow Dash’s home to sleep, especially with the rain outside, but you realized that it was better this way.
“Fine, just let me get my saddlebag,” you said as you reached for it.
“Huh? Why?” Rainbow Dash asked, now propped up on one hoof.
“What do you mean why? I’m not going to leave my saddlebag here,” you explained.
Rainbow Dash groaned, “I meant get back in THIS bed. I’m not flying all the way back to my house just to sleep.”
You were taken back by the idea that Rainbow Dash wanted to spend the night in your home, since she knew what happened here. You tried to reason with her.
“Rainbow Dash… you can’t be serious. I can’t sleep in this house. It’s far too… unnerving,” you meekly explained.
Rainbow Dash then gripped the blanket and covered herself, all while she said, “You can go back to my house if you want, but I’m not going anywhere.”
And so you stood there, with two options. Travel into the cold, rainy night for a sound sleep, or risk another dreadful night in this house. You made up your mind in a matter of seconds, as you reached for your saddlebag. As you lifted it with you, you placed it next to the wall and opened the door. You stared into the dark hallway of your home and felt a cold chill travel up your back. And as soon as you did, you shut the door.
I… I can’t go out there… Not alone…
You left your saddlebag leaned up against the wall and reluctantly walked back towards the bed. You reached in for the blanket, but Rainbow Dash had her foreleg over it, which prevented you from being able to lift it up. You stood there, unsure of what to do for a few seconds before Rainbow Dash groaned and lifted up the blanket. As she did, you delicately climbed into the bed and left a small space between you and her. However, you were not surprised that she had closed the distance between you. You could feel her warmth against your backside and she soon wrapped one of her hooves around your stomach.
As you felt a pair of wings tighten their grip on your waist, you slowly stirred and opened your eyes. The rain outside settled from a thunderstorm to a light drizzle once more, as it had been yesterday. Without moving, you examined your surroundings and reminded yourself that you were currently lying in your old bed, in your old room, in your old home. Then, you felt a breath of warm air on your neck, which was when you became physically aware of Rainbow Dash laying right behind you.
Though you laid on your side, she had her hooves on your hips, one above and one under. Her wings were positioned in the same manner, and they connected with each other at your waist. Despite the feelings of pleasure that your body received, you felt uncomfortable and borderline licentious. You tried to adjust yourself out of her hold, but having done so only succeeded in waking her up.
"Morning," she half-muttered, half-yawned. She pulled you closer to her and connected your back with her chest and waist. You grew even more uncomfortable when you felt the warmth from her body spread onto you. You did your best to suppress any signs of enjoyment, but failed to hold back the shuffling of your wings.
"So, you never got the chance to tell me what you remembered last night," Rainbow Dash mumbled softly.
You had almost forgotten your revelation from one night ago. You closed your eyes and hoped that your amnesia had not already stripped the memory from your mind. Luckily, you could still recall the day you received your Cutie Mark.
"I remember... I remember the day that I got my Cutie Mark," you replied.
You heard Rainbow Dash giggle as she moved her hoof from your hip down to the image on your flank. You refrained from letting out a gasp, but it became harder as Rainbow Dash began to trace circles around the edges of your mark.
"Yeah, I remember that day too," she commented as she continued her actions.
You tried your best to block out the sensations and continued to recount your memory.
"I remember that it was in the afternoon, and that... we were in a competition against some of our classmates."
With Rainbow Dash already as close to you as possible, she shuffled around once more and placed her chin right on your shoulder, which left hardly any space between your cheek and hers. She finally stopped her tracing of your Cutie Mark, but her face so close to yours still left you restless.
"Yeah, and we got first place too," she added.
After she filled in the last bit, you stayed quiet and remained motionless. But as she brought her hoof up towards your wings, you winced and arched your back.
"Sensitive, huh?" she teased as she began to rub your wings like she did a night ago. Already aware of her tricks, you refused to let yourself become prey to her carnal needs. You broke through her hold and shot out of the bed towards the window in your room. You heard her groan as you pretended to look out the window.
"What are you doing? Come back to bed," she urged.
You, however, knew that she would try to seduce you if you complied. Instead, you brought up the fact that the rain had settled since last night.
"The rain has died down, Rainbow Dash," you stated without taking your eyes away from the window.
"Yeah, so?" she asked.
With your mind sprawling to find something to change the subject, you remembered Rainbow Dash's promise to you; that the two of you would leave your home whenever you wished to do so. You turned towards Rainbow Dash to speak.
"You promised me that we would leave whenever I said that I wanted to leave. On two separate occasions, I told you that I wanted to leave and we did not. So, I am going to try one last time. Rainbow Dash, I want to leave. Now."
Your short speech left Rainbow Dash bewildered for a brief moment, but she quickly tried to reign the conversation in her favor.
"Yeah but look what happened since we didn't leave," she explained. "You remembered the day that you got your Cutie Mark, so it wasn't all bad right?"
Upset that she still insisted on staying in your old home, you let out a groan of frustration and brought a wing to your forehead and began to massage it, as though it helped to relieve you of your irritation. Although you managed to diffuse the conversation, it reawakened the contempt you felt for your home. You pleaded once more with her as you removed your wing from your forehead.
"Please Rainbow Dash? Can we please just leave? You know that I do not like being here. The fact that we spent the night here was bad enough in itself, but must we stay here much longer? The rain is gone, let's go back to your home. I much prefer it over this place."
Rainbow Dash stayed quiet for a moment before she sighed and threw the blanket off herself.
"Fine, I guess I owe you that much," she groaned as she stood up from the bed. "I don't want to leave just yet, but I did promise you after all. One memory's good enough, especially the one about your Cutie Mark."
You weren’t sure what had sparked her sudden inclination towards your promise, whether it was your dialogue or the frustration strewn upon your face was left a mystery. It mattered not however, as all you cared about was that you would shortly be leaving your home. In what you could consider a moment of joy, you trotted over to your saddlebag and slipped it on. You turned back to Rainbow Dash to see her stretch various parts of her body, only to look past her to see the sheets and blanket of your old bed undone.
"Rainbow Dash, shouldn't we fix the covers and sheets on the bed?" you asked.
She glanced back at the bed and said, "Uh, what for? Dude, I hardly ever fix the sheets on my bed. Besides, we won't be coming back for a while anyways so what's the big deal?"
Only one portion of that sentence caught your attention and it was the moment Rainbow Dash said, 'we won't be coming back for a while'.
"What do you mean that 'we won't be coming back for a while'?" you asked.
"Well, we're not just gonna abandon your home. Besides, it's our job now to start taking care of it," she responded.
You were about to press the issue once more, but you gave it a second thought.
Do not pester her anymore. For now, be grateful that you are about to leave.
Instead, you simply replied with, "Fine. Now, can we leave?"
"Sure, let’s go."
These words brought you great relief as you would finally be leaving. You turned to open the door and let Rainbow Dash through first. You followed her through the frame and grabbed the handle on the other end of the door. Before you closed the door however, you stared back into your room once more.
"Ten years. I spent ten years of my life in this room. And yet, it does not feel like home."
"You coming or what?"
Her voice snapped you out of your trance-like state and allowed you to close the door. You began to walk towards the stairs with Rainbow Dash and the two of you remained silent, until you passed the piano that rested in the area by the stairs.
"I can't remember, did you say that you used to play the piano?" Rainbow Dash asked as she pointed towards the large instrument.
You took no longer than a few seconds to respond with a simple "no", to which Rainbow Dash said, "Yeah, 'cause I don't remember you ever bringing it up when we were younger." You continued to hold your silence as the two of you transcended down the stairs into what was the living room of your home. As you set hoof on the first floor, you looked towards the large window to see the same light shower you had seen just moments ago. Your eyes scanned the room and you recalled what you had done yesterday; how you became overwhelmed with your emotions and destroyed one of your mother's ornaments. You turned to Rainbow Dash to ask her what had happened to the shattered ornament, but the fear of reminding her of your episode overpowered you. Fortunately, this fear only lasted momentarily as you gathered the courage to ask her.
"Rainbow Dash?" you called out.
She turned her head towards you and uttered a simple, "Hmm?"
"What happened to the... ornament that I," you began, "well... broke yesterday?"
"Oh, that. I threw it away," she answered quickly.
Her answer shocked you for a moment, for you failed to understand how she could so easily discard one of your mother's ornaments.
"You just... threw it away?" you questioned.
"Well, yeah. I mean, what else was I gonna do with it?" she said without any hint of understanding of your stance on the ornament.
You were about to answer back about the importance of the ornament when you realized that she was correct. The broken ornament no longer held any value and was more of a hazard than a decoration in its current state. Still, it did little to relieve you of the guilt you felt for having destroyed it. The expression on your face changed significantly enough for Rainbow Dash to notice your regret regarding the ornament.
"Hey, I wouldn't worry about it. There's a lots of other decorations in here and besides, I'm pretty sure your parents would forgive you if you broke one," she reasoned with you.
You heard her words, but another voice began to speak, a much smoother and silkier voice that said, "Accidents happen, and that was an accident, right?" Still, you refused to let yourself slip into another flashback in your home and retained your consciousness. You lightly shook your head from side to side and muttered, "I suppose so," to Rainbow Dash. She gave you a smile and continued to make her way towards the entrance of your home. You followed her and ignored the certain spot in the room that had set everything into motion. Rainbow Dash reached for the door knob with her hoof and secured her grip onto it, without turning. Instead, she began to speak.
"Now let's see, are we forgetting anything? I put the key in your saddlebag, I cleaned up the thing you broke," she listed off as you frowned upon the mentioning of the broken ornament.
"And I closed all the windows. Nope, don't think we forgot anything."
"Good. Now, please, if you will," you said as you nodded towards the door.
She pulled the handle of the door and swung the door wide open, which let in a flood of light into your home. Having just woken up, the light was momentarily too bright for your eyes and you brought up your wing to shield your eyes as they slowly adjusted to the sun and the sky. After a few seconds, you lowered your wing and squinted your eyes as you walked onto the porch-esque entrance of your home and into the light rain. You heard the door close behind you and without warning, Rainbow Dash reached into your saddlebag, causing you to flinch. You shot your head back towards her but before you could utter a word, she spoke.
"Relax, I'm just looking for the key to lock the door," she explained.
And so you relaxed as you returned your head back forward and calmed your muscles. The small droplets of water continued to fall as she nudged the contents of your saddlebag around until she finally fished out the key. You heard her turn away for a second and lock the door; the sound of the lock turning into place brought a stunning sensation of what you could only recognize to be elation, but the moment only lasted for no more than a few seconds when you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof enter your saddlebag once more. You expected her to drop the key and immediately buckle the saddlebag closed, but her hoof lingered for more than what seemed necessary. As you turned your head back to see why she had not closed your saddlebag, the familiar noise of pills clinking and clunking into one another gave you another sensation. However, instead of a stunning sensation of elation, it was a devastating perception of discouragement. Rainbow Dash had pulled out one of the three capsules that contained your anti-depressants, the same anti-depressants that you were supposed to be taking routinely.
"You know, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be taking these," she started as her tone carried a sense of reproach, "and I haven't seen you take any in a while."
You ignored her statement and turned completely towards Rainbow Dash while your brow furrowed.
"Give those back to me, Rainbow Dash," you demanded.
You swiftly reached out with your wing in an attempt to snatch the capsule of pills from her hoof, but Rainbow Dash's reaction time was far superior to yours. She pulled her hoof back quicker than yours and passed the capsule back into one of her wings to keep it further away from you. You became flustered and tried to reach for them once more but Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on your chest to hold you back from them. You focused your vision on the capsule and watched as the light rain began to wet the surface of the capsule.
"Hold on," she said as the raised her wing higher in the air to create further distance between you and the capsule, "I just wanna know why you aren't taking them. I mean, it's your medicine, right?"
You dropped your head and sighed rather loudly. You did not want to answer her question, so you attempted to divert her question with one of your own.
"Why do you care?" you asked as you brought your head back up to level with her own.
You knew your question was weak and it proved to be so with Rainbow Dash's quick response.
"You know why I care, that much should be pretty obvious by now, "she sternly replied.
Normally, you would have tried to further redirect the question elsewhere but you have learned by now that Rainbow Dash's perseverance would hold out longer than yours would, and that the path of least resistance was to simply answer the question. You stayed quiet for a moment longer all the while Rainbow Dash kept her hoof on your chest and her sight fixated on you. You eventually summoned the strength to answer her question.
"The reason why I have not been taking the pills is because I cannot remember to," you quickly spat out.
Rainbow Dash adopted a look of confusion and asked, "What do you mean, you can't remember?"
You felt your frustration begin to boil and rise to the surface but you quickly reminded yourself as to why Rainbow Dash had asked you about the pills in the first place. And so, you let your frustration settle and answered her question again.
"What I mean is that I am supposed to take two pills daily, but my memory doesn’t allow me to hold the routine. Especially with what's happened these last few days."
Rainbow Dash removed her hoof from your chest and brought the pills a slight bit closer to you.
"Well, that's not gonna happen anymore. If these pills are gonna help you get better sooner, then I'll remind you everyday to take them," she said as she brought the pills within wings' reach of you.
You stretched out your wing and wrapped your feathers around the damp plastic capsule and placed it back into your saddlebag along with the two other capsules.
"Now c'mon, let's get out of this rain," she suggested as she stretched her wings out. You did the same as you prepared yourself for your flight back to Rainbow Dash's home. You hoped that she remembered the path back to her home and the quickest path as well. The couple of minutes that you had been awake in your home had already left you almost completely mentally exhausted, so that you could not even bother to have any final remarks about your home. As Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and lifted herself off the cloud, you imitated her and followed her as she took off into the sky. You took one final glance back at your home and felt no qualms about leaving it in its current state.
After having flown for an unknown amount of time, you eventually returned to the bastion that was Rainbow Dash's home. At the very least, this home held no memories that could come back to haunt you and this was enough for you to consider it a safe haven. Although you were not sure at what time you had left your home, you assumed that it was about midday now as the sun lied in the middle of the sky. Rainbow Dash landed on the cloud of her home while you followed not far behind. The rain had grown even more calm by now, with only the slightest bit of drizzle still falling. Rainbow Dash walked towards the door and entered her home, and you did not hesitate to follow her in. You closed the door behind you and let out a sigh of relief, that you were finally away from those painful memories of your former home. Unfortunately however, you were not completely safe from Rainbow Dash herself.
"So, what happens now?" she asked as you sensed that she wanted to accomplish more by the end of the day.
But you were in no mood to further search the recesses of your mind for another memory, especially since the last memory you unlocked was quite possibly the most significant memory you could hope to retrieve.
"Nothing, Rainbow Dash. I am tired, both physically and mentally. I need to collect myself and my thoughts before we can even consider trying to retrieve another memory. Besides, my therapist said that I should try to retrieve the memories slowly, not all at once." you explained in hopes that she would understand.
And to your surprise, she did.
"Well alright. Go ahead and relax. I'm gonna grab something to eat, you want anything?" she asked as her current attitude appealed to you greatly.
As for her query, you felt no hunger but you did feel the need to take a shower.
"No, I'm not hungry. I do however, want to take a shower," you told her.
"Okay, you know where the shower is. Just grab a towel in one of the drawers."
She turned away and headed into the kitchen where her fridge was while you removed your saddlebag and headed towards the bathroom. And for the first time in the last few days, you finally had time for your thoughts.
At last, peace and quiet. No fear of any possible future traumatic experiences, for all that lies ahead is a shower. Rainbow Dash's attitude is far more agreeable right now. If only she was like this all the time. Although, I suppose if that was the case, I may have never retrieved the memory of how I obtained my Cutie Mark. Oddly enough, I still do not know what my Cutie Mark represents. I have never been able to uncover what my 'supposed' special talent is, or if I even have one.
You entered the bathroom and closed the door while you flicked on the lights of the bathroom. You pulled back one of the drawers to find a plain blue towel that rested inside; thus, you pulled it out and hung it on the railing of the shower curtain. You peeled back the curtain, turned the knob towards the direction of the warm water and entered the shower. The pleasure that arose from the warm water making contact with your coat was one of the simple pleasures you could still enjoy, only through the virtue that there was little to experience from a shower.
So much has happened in just a short 48 hours. It's almost too much to handle. Finding another pony that might know about my past, going back to the place where it all started, being in the same room I used to sleep in 10 years ago. All stressful, there’s no doubt about that. But, I have finally made some progress. I still have a large portion of my life that I have yet to uncover, but over time, those portions will slowly start to return to me. And maybe, just maybe I can rid myself of both this amnesia and depression.
You closed your eyes and lowered your head to allow the water to flow through your mane and down your neck. The room began to fill with steam and as the air became thicker, you unfurled your wings and allowed them to rinse in the water. The hot water soothed your coat and muscles and it almost felt as if the stress was washing off of you. You released a heavy but content breath of air and opened your eyes. You looked for the the shampoo you had used once before in the same shower and applied it to your mane. Bubbles and foam began to form as you scrubbed your mane from top to bottom. As the mass of foam began to spread to your forehead, you closed your eyes once more and placed your head directly under the shower. While you rinsed your mane, your ears flicked as you heard a faint noise in the background. You remained motionless for a second in an attempt to listen closer, but the noise had vanished. Thus, you continued with your shower and slowly the foam began to dissolve and fade away into the drain. You used your hoof to scrub off any remaining shampoo and once you felt all of it gone, you opened your eyes again. You turned around in the shower to look for the bar of soap.
"Hey make some room," you heard as the curtains of the shower were peeled back in the fraction of a second. You were caught completely off guard which caused you to bump into the shower wall and knock over the shampoo and bar of soap you had been looking for. Rainbow Dash stood right outside of the shower, curtain in hoof and smirk on her muzzle; the same smirk she had two nights ago when you and her shared an intimate moment, despite how uncomfortable it had made you. You used the wing not pressed against the shower wall to cover your body but most of it remained exposed to her. And even though the water you showered in was temperate, you felt your face boil from embarrassment.
"R-Rainbow Dash! What are you doing?!" you stammered as you lifted your forehoof from the shower floor.
She had already taken two steps into the shower when she answered, "I need to take a shower too."
She had already pulled back the curtain towards the end of the shower when you responded with, "Get out!"
As the warm water made contact with her coat, she let out a content sigh and expanded her own wings while you stayed pressed against the shower wall. She inched herself closer to the stream of water until her head laid directly under the shower head. You averted your eyes away from her and you found yourself staring intensely on the ceramic tiling of the shower. You only managed to do so for a few moments however, as you soon returned your view to Rainbow Dash. You saw how her dampened rainbow-streaked mane clung to her head and how the smile she bore was an expression you wished you could share with her. And as she tossed her mane back to clear her view, she looked directly towards you. You could not help but to look away in shame. For Rainbow Dash’s feelings of joy and serenity, had been countered by your own feelings of humiliation and lewdness. Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on your wing and playfully asked, "What's wrong?" Although by her stifled laughter and her tone, it was obvious that she knew.
"Aww c'mon dude, try to relax," she goaded once more.
You did not budge from your current position, which was still pressed against the wall with your eyes fixated on a single ceramic tile. It was not until you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof move from your wing to your neck that you slowly began to shift. You felt her hoof massage your neck and you were helpless to prevent her from having pulled you in closer. You relaxed your wing as you your body united with hers.
"That's better," she whispered as she leaned her head against yours.
You closed your eyes as the two of you continued to stand under the shower without much movement. The motionlessness only lasted for so long, as Rainbow Dash broke the unity between the two of you. You opened your eyes and saw that she was no more than a few hairs away from your muzzle. Your heart began to pace faster as she came closer, And when your lips touched hers, you felt overwhelmed. The feelings were not positive however, as they consisted mostly of embarrassment and shame. The longer you held the kiss, the stronger these feelings grew. And soon the feelings became unbearable. You pulled back and broke the kiss which left both you and Rainbow Dash breathless. Still, you managed to have enough breath to speak.
"I...," you managed to spit out, "I'm sorry Rainbow Dash... I can't do this."
And before she could say a word, you had already pushed away the shower curtain and stepped out. Nearly soaked to the bone, you grabbed your towel that you had pulled out and hastily wrapped it around your body as you ran out of the bathroom. You continued through the hallway, up the stairs and into the bedroom you had slept in two nights ago, all the while you held onto your towel with your wings. As you entered the room, you closed the door behind you and then began to dry yourself properly. You started with your waist and slowly worked up to your mane. You resisted the urge to belittle yourself for not being able to keep your composure in the shower. The urge soon won over.
Idiot. You can't spend a single intimate moment with her. All because you're too embarrassed. She'll be here any minute to tell you same thing.
You pulled the towel away from your face and stared at the door. You waited for the handle to turn and for the frame to swing towards you. You waited for the sound of water to drip on the floor and the creak of the hinges of the door. You waited for Rainbow Dash to come through the door because you knew that she would confront you about this.
Then, you saw the handle turn slowly. And what followed was Rainbow Dash. And you turned your eyes away from her, as you always did when you felt shame.
"Hey..." she weakly started in an attempt to get a measure of your current status.
You brought your eyes back up to glance at her but you quickly averted them afterwards. She walked over towards you and took a seat at the foot of the bed alongside you.
"Was that, uhm... too much? I didn't think it'd be after last-last night," she asked, still unsure of how you felt.
You tried to speak but you pursed your lips instead. You tried once more and you were successful the second time around.
"Two nights ago, I..." you began," it was different. I can't remember much of it. It was... I don't know. It was different." you explained, rather poorly.
"Are you just confused or something?" she iterated.
You sighed and nodded your head as you said, "Yes. I suppose I am just confused."
You turned to face her as you felt more comfortable with her understanding of your predicament.
"So you like stallions instead of mares or... what?"
But it soon became clear that the two of you were on very different pages.
"What? No! That is not what I meant!" you shouted.
After the confusion of your preference, you knew that Rainbow Dash would only let up if you fully explained to her why you were so incompetent and inexperienced with intimacy; about how it stemmed from your years of isolation in the asylum.
"Well, you said you were confused. "I thought you meant like, confused confused," she made clear.
"Listen Rainbow Dash." you said as you prepared yourself mentally.
Tell her. You can trust her, she's proven that time and time again.
Out of your peripheral vision, you saw her turn to face you but you kept your vision static, face forward and eyes ahead.
"I assume the reason you are so at ease with this... subject, is because you have experience," you stated as you finally faced her, "correct?"
"Uhm, yeah I guess," Rainbow Dash answered, still unaware of where you planned on heading with this.
You turned away from her again.
"That is what I lack. Experience. In the asylum where I grew up, I was isolated for the most part. I did not have any interaction with anyone my age. Either older or rarely younger. I was schooled at the asylum, so I eventually learned about... reproduction, but that's as far as I know. Or as far as I am comfortable with."
Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath before she started to speak.
"Hey look, I get it. First time's always a little awkward. But, I'm really the first pony you've, you know," she waned on her last word.
You turned to her and nodded as you said, "Seven years in the asylum, not exactly the right environment for this sort of matter."
You noticed her smile for half a second before she spoke up.
"Right. Things get easier though, the more they happen. Trust me, you'll be more comfortable with this sorta stuff the more we do it. And we were kinda taking things too fast. We'll slow down and you'll see, you'll start to really like it."
You did not say anything afterwards; it was more because you were not sure what to say, but it seemed that Rainbow Dash did not need a response. She scooted closer to you and wrapped a wing around you. You figured it was a test to see how much she could get away with, but after the shower episode, a simple wing wrapped around you was not enough to set you off. Her coat was still damp and so was yours, but neither of you seemed to mind. You tried to clear your mind of your usual thoughts about how scandalous and wrong it felt to be intimate and as you did, your head slowly began to lean in closer to her. And as you purged the final thought from your conscience, you felt bliss as your head connected with hers. The physical contact was minimal, but it was enough to fill you with a sense of enjoyment; a rarely-felt feeling.
The silence remained for some time but the silence was eventually killed.
"So, you basically grew up in the hospital huh?" Rainbow Dash asked as she broke the connection between the two of you.
You lifted your head up straight as the connection was gone and answered her question.
"Essentially. I lived there for a long time. Why?" you asked, oblivious to Rainbow Dash's intentions.
You were aware of a plan that Rainbow Dash had, but the pieces were scattered and lost.
"Well, I was just thinking," she softly uttered.
But the more she spoke, the more the pieces started to fix themselves.
"Since going to your old home helped you get a memory," she continued.
Your mind began to see the whole plan that Rainbow Dash was implying but the final piece was missing.
"Maybe going to the asylum will help you get another memory!" she finished.
And the final piece adjusted itself.
She wants to go back to the asylum? Why? There's nothing there for me.
"Why do you want to go to the asylum? There's nothing there for me to remember, Rainbow Dash," you explained.
But she would not give up on the idea so easily, as she replied with, "You don't really know that. Besides, I'm pretty sure any memory you can get back is a good thing. C'mon, it'll be good for you. I promise."
You know this will be good for you. Go back there. She will keep you safe if anything happens.
You groaned, "Fine. We will go back to the asylum, eventually."
She got up from the bed while she said, "Great. We'll leave in a bit but I'm starving so I'm gonna grab something to eat."
And before you could even object to leaving today, she left the room and left you behind on the bed, dumbfounded.
Dammit, I told her that I did not want to do anything else today. Maybe I should have objected. But then I guess I would have just gotten into an argument with her. And I do not want that.
You let yourself fall onto the bed and stretched out your wings and forelegs. You let your eyes close and you rested for a moment. You thought about what memories you still had from the asylum and you could only recount a few. You remembered when you were first brought to the asylum, how you sat outside a room and heard two ponies discussing you and your circumstances. Another memory you managed to retain was when a patient at the asylum was finally released and how he met with another pony in the lobby of the asylum. And the final memory consisted of your departure and despite it only have been a few weeks since then, it already seemed like a distant memory.
All those years and I only have three concrete memories to show for it. Perhaps it is a good thing that we are going back.
Time passed seamlessly and sometime after, you finally rose up from the bed. You felt relaxed and at ease which was unusual for you. You looked towards the window and saw that the rain had let up for now. Your coat felt dry by now, so you left Rainbow Dash's room and made your way down the stairs. And to your surprise, you found Rainbow Dash at the first step as she was just about to head up the stairs.
"Oh hey, I was about to come getcha," she said as she backed up off the first step of the staircase.
You made your way onto the first floor as Rainbow Dash continued to talk about the trip to the asylum.
"If we leave now, we should be able to make it before it gets dark, so we should hurry," she explained.
You simply nodded as you did not felt the need to give a verbal response. After you slipped on your saddlebag, you made your way to the door with Rainbow Dash right behind you. You opened the door and Rainbow Dash closed it as she exited her home. Rainbow Dash took off first, as she normally did and you followed behind. By now, the afternoon was slowly transitioning into the evening and in a few hours, nightfall would arrive. But all you could contemplate was how different everything had become for you since you had left the asylum.
It feels strange not constantly being bombarded by negative, poisonous thoughts. But I have hardly been able to experience elation or joy. It has mainly been the absence of the painful memories and negative thoughts. That alone is not enough to bring me happiness but the neutrality of my emotions is arguably more pleasant than being in a constant state of melancholia.
After what felt like hours, the two of you finally reached Manehattan, the city where both the asylum and hospital resided. Once you entered the city, you flew only a bit further before Rainbow Dash halted, prompting you to do the same.
"Well, this is where you take over," she said as she hovered just a bit ahead of you.
You were a bit confused as to what she meant, so you reluctantly asked what she meant.
"What do you mean?"
"Uh, I dunno where the old hospital is. But I'm pretty sure you do," she remarked.
Now having understood her, you scanned the skyline of the city with no results. You had never left the asylum entirely, so while you may have a perfect mental map of the asylum itself, the surrounding area was a mystery. But you invoked the memory of your departure from the asylum to see what you could remember from the area.
After I passed through the metal gate, what was in front of me? Just a building, but I cannot remember anything specific about it. It was just a building. After that, I just walked down the road until I eventually reached the dirt road that lead me to the little village.
You closed your eyes to give yourself a stronger sense of concentration and attempted to recall the surrounding area once more.
I passed the building and kept walking. Only buildings and more buildings surrounded the area.
The memory was foggy, but you could still make out the large constructs that served as buildings in your memory. But in your journey through your memory, one area lacked the construct. There was a space in between two large ones that spanned a considerable distance. As you focused on the empty area, a color began to make itself visible. Green was the primary color seen in the absence, but other structures began to form within the area. To your surprise, they began to take the form of trees. Slowly, other structures began to form as well which ranged from bushes to flowers. The absence was then filled with these structures and it became clear where this area resided.
"There's a large park near the asylum," you stated as you opened your eyes.
"Know where it is?" Rainbow Dash asked, blind to your small mental excursion.
You scanned the area above where you hovered and looked for a dirt path that would connect the small village with the city. When you did not find it, you took a guess and flew in towards the city in hope that you would not be wasting time as the sun was just about to set. You searched for the gap in the city's area that would indicate the lack of a large building. After a few minutes of searching, you came across the same green construct that you saw in your mind; the park.
"There it is," Rainbow Dash pointed as you and her slowed down. And indeed, there was the park. A part of it was similar to what you saw in your memory, but the rest was different. You knew that on the day you left, you did not fly out of the city. Instead you walked, so you began to descend. Rainbow Dash followed behind you and as you heard her hooves click on the ground, she asked you a question.
"So, are we close? It's getting dark already."
The street lights of Manehattan flickered on as the sun set and left a dark-orange hue on the sky. You turned to Rainbow Dash and said, "Yes. We should be close."
You began to walk down the path that would surely lead you to the asylum. You saw other ponies walking to and fro from the park. This was the first time in a while that you had been around other ponies that were not Rainbow Dash, but they seemed to keep to their own. The looming sense of fear did not take a hold of you this time, as it had when you went back to your old home. You figured it was because the only memories you have of the hospital were not ones of pain or fear or loss. They were just memories, neither positive nor negative for the most part. Minutes passed and the sky darkened further. While you walked, you took a glance towards the sky and you could see a large raincloud slowly approaching the majority of the city. You feared it would rain before you would get the chance to enter so you quickened your pace ever so slightly. As you came to the end of the building on your right, you saw it.
The asylum was guarded by a large metal fence that had been painted black with dulled points at the top. There was a pattern to the fence that repeated for the entirety of the building. There was some space between the fence and the building that served as a yard. The entrance to the asylum was closed off by two large metal gates that shared the same design as the fence, albeit larger. The building itself did not have many unique features. The asylum reached about five or six stories and the face of it was flat. There were many windows that covered the asylum. The sides of the asylum shared the same feature. All in all, the asylum itself did not differ much from the surrounding area, save the fence that guarded it.
"Woah, that must be it, right?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You said nothing and continued on the path until you reached the entrance of the asylum. The gate that guarded the area towered over you, but you remembered that the gate was always open. You knew that they must have locked it once the asylum was abandoned. You pushed against the metal gates but the lock that bound the two gates together did not budge and would not budge any time soon.
"Yeah, like that's gonna stop anypony," Rainbow Dash scoffed as she flew over the fence into the yard.
You followed suit and flew over the fence and landed in the yard right behind the gate. There was a path that lead to the door and it was the same path that you took on the day of your departure. You followed the path with Rainbow Dash right behind you and you eventually reached the door to the asylum. The fear that you carried when you were before your old home's door was not present. And thus, you did not hesitate to open the door. But as you pushed the door in, it stopped after just a bit. You looked lower and saw that this door carried a lock as well. You removed your hoof from the door and looked towards Rainbow Dash.
"The door's locked. We can't go in," you said without much emotion.
In truth, you were a little less than disappointed that you made the trip to Manehattan for nothing.
"Lemme try something real quick," Rainbow Dash said as she slowly backed up away from the door.
You stepped away from the door and walked onto the grass in the yard while Rainbow Dash trotted to the metal gate. She faced the door and crouched as she unfurled her wings. You were still unsure of what she was about to try, but as she started to flap her wings, you realized what she was going to try. And before you could say a word, she took off, reaching a feather-ripping speed in a matter of seconds. As you looked towards the doors to the asylum, they swung open. You swiftly walked into the asylum and set your eyes on the lobby.
"Haha, yeah!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
You heard her speak but you did not listen, for you were too busy examining your surroundings. The lobby was still the same, nothing had changed although this did not surprise you. The lobby was shrouded in darkness but you remember there being a switch on the wall near the entrance. You turned to your right and saw the switch and you quickly flicked it into the "on" position. The lights above the lobby flickered before activating, and the lights in the left and right corridor switched on as well. It had still only been a few weeks, yet it felt like ages since you last set hoof in the asylum. You looked above where the receptionist would sit and saw the same signs that had always been there. One pointed towards the left that read, "West Wing" and the other pointed to the right that read, "East Wing". And it seemed that Rainbow Dash had looked at the same subject matter.
"What's in the West Wing?" she asked.
Luckily, this was something you actually remembered.
"The West Wing is actually the asylum. This whole building is really more of a hospital that treats ponies that are either physically or mentally ill. The East Wing is where ponies would go if they were physically sick. West Wing is for mentally ill patients. I mostly lived in the West Wing, I hardly ever went to the East Wing."
With that, Rainbow Dash trotted into the West Wing and you followed her.
"So, see anything that looks familiar?" she asked.
"Everything looks familiar, Rainbow Dash. But nothing seems to be triggering a memory," you replied in your usual tone.
She continued down the corridor of the West Wing and passed many of the rooms that were used for diagnosing the mentally ill. You saw her peer into many of the rooms that consisted either of offices, group therapy sessions or counseling offices.
"Did you have your own room in here?" she asked as she continued to look into many of the rooms.
"Yes, but it was more than likely given to some other pony. I did not have many personal belongings so the room more than likely looks like any other room."
Again, Rainbow Dash continued down the corridor again without stopping once. You still followed her while you observed your surroundings to see if any part of the asylum could trigger a memory. But unfortunately, nothing served as the catalyst. What you did see was the condition of the asylum and how well it was preserved despite being abandoned for a number of weeks. And as Rainbow Dash reached the end of the corridor, all that was left was one office and the stairway that lead to the second floor.
"Rainbow Dash, listen. There is not much for me here to remember. The memories I have here, they are meaningless. I do not think they will help me remember much. And the rest of the asylum does not look much different from any other hos-"
"Hey, isn't this your therapist's office?"
You sighed, for you had been cut off again, but you remembered that Sigmund's office was actually near the end of the corridor. As you trotted closer to his office, you saw his name on the door, on a small little plaque.
"Yes, this is his office..." you slowly said as your words drifted off.
"Yeah, I remembered 'cause his name's kind of weird," Rainbow Dash commented.
I do not think I should go in. It would not feel right to invade Sigmund's personal work area.
Yet, Rainbow Dash pushed the door open and entered his office anyway. You felt the need to stop her but as you stepped in, you could see that his office was almost empty. The only items that did remain were large, empty bookshelves, a plain wooden desk and chair, and a couch on the other end of the desk. You took a few steps closer into the room and let the door shut behind you. Sigmund's office was rather large compared to the other offices you had seen and you remembered spending several hours in this one.
This is where I came to see Sigmund almost every single day. I remember that he would tell me to seat myself on the couch and he would sit in his desk and he would talk to me.
"So I guess this is where he'd talk to his patients and stuff?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You nodded as you said, "Yes. I spent a lot of time here."
You kept your eyes on the couch and tried to recall a memory, any memory that you could from the asylum. You tried to remember a single conversation you and Sigmund had about anything.
"Hey... what's the number on your folder thing?"
But with Rainbow Dash having asked you questions about your case file, it made it harder to focus on a new memory.
"My case file number is 51097, Rainbow Dash," you answered with a hint of annoyance in your voice.
You went back to your memories but you suddenly had a realization.
"Wait, why do you want to know my case file number?" you asked as you turned towards her.
Rainbow Dash looked up from the desk as you asked her about your number.
"Maybe you should take a look at this," she said as her voice trailed off.
The fear that was not present suddenly sneaked up on you as you were unsure of what you would find. As you walked around the room, you saw a manilla folder on the desk. It's color and shape was identical to yours. Even the information on the cover read the same.
PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION MANEHATTAN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL CASE NUMBER: 51097
But there was a stamp under the information on the folder. The red stamp clearly spelled out a single word, "CONFIDENTIAL". You hastily reached into your saddlebag and pulled out your own manilla folder. You placed it right beside the other folder which was almost identical to yours. The only difference was the stamp and that the folder with the stamp was significantly larger than yours. Your breaths became short as you tried to understand a logical explanation.
"No no, why would Sigmund have something like this in his office?" you asked yourself.
"I don't get it. Why is it a big deal?"
"Because Rainbow Dash, Sigmund told me that this case file," you exclaimed as you pointed to your original case file, "was the only copy of my case file!"
Why would he lie? What was he trying to hide from me?
You reached for the new manilla folder but you stopped before you opened it.
"What's wrong?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You knew that there was a reason why Sigmund had hidden this copy from you. You just did not know why.
"There's a reason why Sigmund did not want to me have this copy. He would not just hide it from me without a rational reason. Maybe I shouldn't," you said as you brought your hoof back.
No. You have to know. You have to know what Sigmund tried to hide from you.
And so, slowly, you brought your hoof back to the new manilla folder. You turned over the cover of the manilla folder and the first item you saw was a letter. The letter had many lines that were replaced with the phrase, "[Redacted]".
Redacted? Why? What was Sigmund trying to hide from me?
Your mind was racing. A thousand thoughts sped through your conscience. Every single last one of them about why Sigmund had decided to hide this folder from you. You raised your forelegs and placed your hooves against the frame of the desk as your heartbeat skyrocketed. You gingerly picked up the first letter in the folder. Much of the information within the aged manila folder had been replaced with a singular phrase, "[Redacted]". The head of the letter read," EPREC: the Equestrian Psychology Research Ethics Committee". The sender's name was redacted as was the date. You dragged your eyes away from the top and read the first line of text.
Dr. Redacted Sigmund... The EPREC has reviewed your proposal for your redacted year-long case study on the "effects of abandonment, depression and trauma on children". The EPREC does not regularly allow such case studies to be conducted on minors without informed consent. However, due to the special circumstances of your patient, Redacted, the committee has come to an agreement. We will allow you to perform your study for the next redacted years. We trust that you will stay within the boundaries set forth by the EPREC, as you have before.
Normally, because your patient is still considered a minor, the consent of the parents is required. Under these circumstances, due to the unfortunate event of... Redacted's parents. My name has been redacted as well.
Your brow slowly began to take the form of an arc as you came upon the realization that your existence was removed from the entirety of the letter. For any other pony, the letter could have told the tale of any other orphaned child who was the subject of a case study. Yet, you were sure that this letter spoke about you.
"Hey, you alright?" Rainbow Dash asked, whom you've almost forgotten about. She momentarily pulled you from your reading as you looked towards her. "This letter is about me," you answered as you brought back your gaze to the letter. Before you could continue where you had left off however, Rainbow Dash had a comment.
"Oh, that's cool I guess."
The aggravation you harbored for many of Rainbow Dash's behaviors was normally kept in balance by sheer will, more so now than ever as you had understood her intentions to be kind-hearted rather than mean-spirited. And at this moment, your will stood strong against your aggravation.
"No, I was mentioning it due to the fact that the letter has removed my name, among other features..." you trailed off.
An uncomfortable silence permeated the room, save for the pitter-patter of the rain that gently drummed against the only window in the room. For an instant, you contemplated about being the first to speak to break the silence but the decision was already made.
"I... don't get what's so important about that," muttered Rainbow Dash.
You did not turn away but you could hear the clicks of her hooves against the floor as she shuffled in the uncomfortable ambiance. You set the letter aside and reached for another as you answered her.
"These letters," you began, "are the last articles of evidence of what happened to me in this hospital. Besides the files I have in the folder Sigmund gave me, these are different letters and documents I have never seen before. There may be a reason as to why Sigmund did not give me these files, there may not be. It may simply be that the contents of these files are beyond my scope of understanding, but if there is a reason, that means Sigmund is hiding something from me. And I intend to find out what that is, if it exists."
Silence returned and you accepted that as your cue to read the next document.
As an old associate of mine had said before, "Memory is the most important function of the brain; without it life would be a blank. Our knowledge is all based on memory. Every thought, every action, our very conception of personal identity, is based on memory... Without memory , all experience would be useless."
You skipped over the rest of the paragraph and moved on to the next one.
The committee has approved your proposal. Redacted will... remain on hospital grounds for at least the next five years... This will provide adequate time for you to document your research on the effects of... abandonment and loss of parents, depression and PTSD... The Equestrian Psychology Association expects to see your findings in five year's time. Sincerely, Dr. Redacted...
Your heart sank and your stomach churned. You tried to control your breathing but your breaths came out terse and shaky. You understood what the letter meant but not why it even existed in the first place. And while you were lost deep in thought, Rainbow Dash pulled you out of your subconsciousness with your name.
"What's wrong?" she asked; you could hear a bit of uncertainty in her voice.
You were not sure if you wanted to answer her. But, you found yourself reluctant to not answer her. You kept your eyes glued to the letter as you responded.
"Sigmund... In this letter, it says that Sigmund prevented me from being adopted or put in a foster home," you answered. Your temples began to pound the more you thought about the letter.
"I thought you said you couldn't be adopted because of your mental sickness."
And with Rainbow Dash having brought up the issue more, your headache increased in severity.
"I did, but apparently that was not the case. The letter says Sigmund wanted to research me. He wanted to study me. He wanted to see what the effects were on a child who lost his parents. And he wanted to do that for at least five years."
Your tone was cold and sharp. You were not sure what to believe; what Sigmund had told you or the letter you saw right before you.
Sigmund told me that I could not be adopted, that my mental condition was far too unstable for my age and that constant observation and care was required. But the letter here contradicts that! Maybe that’s what he was trying to do. He was trying to protect himself. He did not want me to know that I could not be given away or be given the chance to live a relatively normal life because he was more concerned with the pursuit of psychological knowledge than he was with me.
Your emotions began to surface as you felt your face flush and your body chill.
"Hey, maybe you should sit down or something. That's kind of a big deal. Wanna talk about it?" Rainbow Dash asked as though she could sense that your anger had begun to swell.
"No. I need to keep reading. I need to see what else is hidden from me here."
"I don't think that's such a g-"
"I said I need to keep reading!" you shouted without ever having turned to face her.
You pushed the letter aside and scanned the next document inside the case folder. The next letter was about the funding for Sigmund's five year-long case study. Just as the letter before it, many of the lines had been redacted.
The Equestrian Psychological Association has agreed to provide funding for your case study. The EPA will pay for... Redacted's living expenses including housing, education... And the list goes on.
You let out a heavy sigh as there now existed a second document that confirmed the letter about Sigmund's proposal. The funding letter suffered the same fate as it was tossed aside to reveal the next document. The next document was Redacted's medical history and health assessment.
Have you ever been hospitalized or had a major operation? Are you taking any medication, pills or drugs? Do you have, or have had, any of the following? No. No. I do not have any of these. Patient was admitted to clinic for general physical health assessment. Patient was... covered in blood that had dried to his coat. Patient was cleaned of the blood and inspected for any lacerations that would indicate any possible infections.
"I know this isn't easy, but you have to let me clean you. You might get sick if we don't clean it."
You knew the voice you heard did not belong to Rainbow Dash but the usual accompanying symptoms of sharp pains or dizziness were absent. You were remembering the night you were admitted to the hospital.
The notes, the documents are helping me remember. They are unlocking old memories. If I keep reading, maybe I can induce a flashback. But, I know Sigmund would not have hid these documents from me without any reason. Maybe he was afraid of something that I would remember. Or maybe, he was simply trying to hide his trail of lies from me. I have to keep reading.
No visible wounds or lacerations were found on the patient. Medical history from patient retrieved from Cloudsdale Pediatric Clinic showed no pre-existing illnesses or conditions. Basic physical examination was performed. Patient was unresponsive and distant. Patient has been issued a psychological evaluation to be performed.
But nothing came. The rest of the document did nothing to help you retrieve a memory, only the voice of the nurse who cleaned you of your parents' blood. Then, you made the connection.
Only some of these notes hold any significant memories. The health assessment was not one of them. I just have to keep searching, keep digging until I find something.
And again, you tossed the document aside. The one after that was nothing more than an official write-up requesting the psychological examination. You scanned it quickly but it was littered with jargon and terminology that meant nothing to you. You passed it aside and moved on to the next document. The next document was similar in nature, more terms and vocabulary that flew over your head as you skimmed through the document. Only one segment of the document caught your eye and it was of the doctor who would handle Redacted's psychological evaluation; Sigmund. You quickly tossed it aside.
Rainbow Dash called out your name.
"You sure you're alright?"
You had almost forgotten about Rainbow Dash. Your focus on the documents had absorbed all of your attention. And you kept it like that as you failed to acknowledge her or her question. You looked upon the next document and saw that it was your initial psychological profiling.
Patient name: Redacted. Date: redacted. Almost everything about me and the date has been removed. Only his notes are still here and even then, they have been removed... Redacted is already exhibiting early signs of PTSD. Exposure to his parents' death, intense stress, recurrent thoughts and feelings about the trauma, social impairment and so on and so forth. However, a diagnosis cannot be given until the duration period has been met, which is of one month. Redacted is also expressing symptoms typical of a depressive episode. PTSD being comorbid with MDD is not uncommon and will likely happen in this case. But as with the diagnosis of PTSD, the duration period of two weeks must be met before a diagnosis can be given. No other anxiety disorders appear present. Redacted is to be admitted to the east wing and will be treated under my care.
You reached the end of the document and you waited. You waited for your mind to suddenly recall a memory. But nothing came to you. You just stood there and stared into the document of your initial psychological evaluation. There was no vision you had or voice you heard.
"Hey, I'm talking to you."
Except for Rainbow Dash's. Your frustration grew more with every document that failed to bring back a memory and with Rainbow Dash's prodding at your concentration, you became even more so irritable. You finally peeled your eyes away from the case file and turned towards Rainbow Dash. Her face carried a mixture of annoyance and concern, neither of which appealed to you. Your hooves remained pressed against the desk as you spoke.
"Listen Rainbow Dash. We came here in an attempt to uncover a memory of mine, correct?"
"Yeah but n-"
"And some of these documents that I am reading might have a memory," you interrupted, "so please, let me keep reading. This was your idea anyhow. You only have yourself to blame."
You turned back to the document at hoof and moved it aside. By now, it had become routine. But before you could even finish your motion, Rainbow Dash tried to get in one more word.
"Why ar-"
"Enough, Rainbow Dash!" you shouted as you slammed your hooves against the desk.
Everything went silent; the only present sound was the returned rain as it patted against the window in Sigmund's office. You readjusted your hooves to a more comfortable position as you let out a heavy breath. You rested your eyes for a moment before you returned to your systematic scan of the documents. The following document featured x-ray'd images of a brain with specific regions encompassed in varying colors. The documents mimicked its previous incarnations, having specific details such as the author and date removed. The trend had made itself readily apparent but still, you continued. Swiftly, you read the notes amended to the bottom of the page.
Functional magnetic resonance imaging shows decreased blood flow towards hippocampi... minor structural damage localized to dorsal hippocampus... varying degrees of damage to parietal lobe... indicative of episodic memory loss...
Structural damage. My brain really was damaged. Or still is... Dammit, why did Sigmund keep this from me? Or, perhaps he did not and I have merely just forgotten... Regardless, this is not feasible. I don't ever recall injuring my head. How could I even have done so? To sustain such injuries to my brain would require severe trauma and I do not remember such an event. This did not happen on the night either, I remember everything from the night clearly. If this truly is my brain, this must have happened here, in this hospital.
In this moment, the realization became readily apparent. The rationale behind the redacted documents and the hidden files revealed itself unto you.
"Something happened here. Something happened to me here and Sigmund tried to hide it from me. But what could have gone so wrong that would warrant him hiding it from me?"
You spoke your question out loud but to no one in particular. Rainbow Dash, who had yet to move, believed the question was meant for her.
"Oh, so now I can talk?"
You took no note of her comment and instead dove back into the papers to find a more revealing document. And all the while, a timid fear arose within you. You feared that whatever Sigmund had hidden from you was hidden for a reason, and yet you persevered. Your curiosity for the truth overwhelmed your dread but there still existed a tiny fragment of your mind that remained in terror.
It seemed that most of the documents consisted of jargon and terminology beyond your understanding. References to other case studies and letters between colleagues littered the file. You spent no more than a few seconds for each document before it was discarded in favor for another of its kind. And with each discarded document, your patience wore thinner and thinner. The constant shuffle ended when your scanning of the papers came across a particular paper. The clean edge had been replaced by a serrated edge and its color was ever so slightly tinted. The text was hoofwritten in cursive in a style that you recognized as Sigmund's. Within the short time that the document sat atop the pile, you could see that it pertained about Sigmund's personal thoughts in regards to a procedure. Even still, the connecting trait between most of the previous documents returned in a slightly alerted fashion. In place of the term "redacted" was a simple black streak of ink. It too darkened what you could only assume to have been sensitive information. And for a moment in time, the image of grey notebook cradled in Sigmund's hooves flashed in your conscience. Another image of the same notebook arose, only in a different setting. And another revealed itself.
This was ripped from a journal, his journal. The same journal he carried with him all those years. But to just rip out a single page and save it? What purpose does that serve? If he's trying to protect himself, why didn't he dispose of all this?
Blank days remaining until Blank's procedure. The EPRB would likely never approve of this, but they've already done away with my approval for the case study just over a year ago. That being said, whatever happens to me from here on out no longer matters. All that still matters is undoing years of damage.
I can sense resentment for me buried under his trust. A trust I've betrayed and yet he remains blind. Though the anger itself is rare, the bitterness permeates. It leaks into our conversations and seeps into our therapy sessions. He refuses to acknowledge anypony other than me unless absolutely required for his survival. His days have become dull and routine. The time spent away from me is spent reading books and novels in isolation. But these seem to serve no other purpose besides the passage of time. He lacks any emotional connection to any of his readings. When his current literature is taken away, he starts anew, no matter how far he had read or how much he seemed even remotely invested. Without anything to quicken the flow of time, he resorts to sleep. For the advancement of understanding of psychological disorders, he had to suffer. And even then, it will amount to nothing. With my approval revoked, none will accept my research as valid. Senseless waste is all this is now. An adolescent's life, ruined for naught.
Nevertheless, there still exists cause for optimism for Blank; that however many years that still lie ahead for Blank can be endured without the memories that have plagued him.
The belief that began as nothing more than a baseless accusation slowly gained more traction the more you deciphered from Sigmund's file. The air in the room began to chill but whether it resulted from the storm that raged outside the facility or the inner turmoil that rampaged in your mind was uncertain. Your shivering hoof tossed the page aside but you hesitated before filtering the documents once more. Yet with the truth of Sigmund's secrecy so nearly close, you could not bring yourself to pause. With half of the documents already screened and scattered about the desk, you returned to the remaining pile.
Countless more documents stacked upon each other were tossed away when you deduced their relevancy. Again, the majority of papers were nothing more than messages and memorandums to other psychologists or reports from various organizations. The phrase, 'redacted', saturated the documents, more of what you assumed to only be concealing Sigmund's personal information. The motions of scanning and discarding papers became an automatic process, resulting in Rainbow Dash's response.
"Find anything important yet?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You acknowledged her question without skipping a beat.
"Not yet."
All of the documents were discarded with no more than a few seconds' worth of consideration given to each. Upon the encounter of a three letter acronym however, you immediately halted. The letters on their own gave no meaning to you, their significance was evident when presented as a single entity.
ECT...
"Electroconvulsive therapy. No doubt you've heard of it before."
Your eyes darted towards the entrance of the room to identify the speaker. Yet, there stood nopony in the doorway. You threw your gaze around the entirety of the room only to find Rainbow Dash laying upon the couch in Sigmund's room, staring at the ceiling. For a moment, you considered asking if she had spoken but you already knew she had not. You swore that you had audibly heard the voice as if the speaker was in this very room and yet there were only two souls in this room. The voice that spoke came from an older male, somewhat gravely with an accent uncommon to the residents of Manehattan. The accent was unmistakable but you were not yet entirely certain as to who the speaker was.
"I thought that was only used for extreme cases?"
And again another voice appears, easily distinguishable from the other voice. Still from a male only much softer as well as having lacked the accent present in the first voice, it carried a vague familiarity.
"Yes, you are correct. And as unfortunate as it may be, you fall within that criteria," the former voice admitted.
It quickly became apparent to whom the voices belonged. The second hearing gave confirmation that the former voice belonged to Sigmund and the latter to yourself, albeit much younger. Having deciphered the owners of the voices did little to diminish the disorientation you experienced from hearing voices with no physical origin.
"Believe me, if there existed another alternative, we'd have undertaken it already. The only form of therapy that lies beyond this is the introduction of long-term medication, tricyclics or MAO inhibitors to be specific."
The realization that this may present an uncovered memory rapidly dawned on you. Your eyes closed and your attention was focused on the voices.
"And those are somehow worse than running an electrical current through my brain?" your younger voice questioned.
"I will not lie to you, electroconvulsive therapy is not without its side effects. Memory loss for the procedure and for the day is almost guaranteed. Anything past that is generally abnormal and memory loss spanning past six months is exceedingly rare. Alongside memory loss, you might experience some physical symptoms such as nausea and muscle aches." Sigmund explained, almost as if he was educating students rather than speaking with a patient. And still, no image or vision came to your mind. Only the voices could be heard.
"This may not seem advantageous but what you must realize is that these side effects can be mitigated. Physical pain is easily manageable and I do not suspect that you'd suffer from other complications following this procedure, save for memory loss. Compare this to a lifetime of medication and the side effects they will bring. Not only that, but developing a dependence for either of these can have dangerous consequences."
Normally the visions and memories would present themselves of their own accord, but the voices invoked nothing more than confusion.
Nothing yet. I know to whom these voices belong, but that does not seem to be enough for me to remember this conversation. If voices alone cannot help me remember, then I will just have to improvise.
Thus, you recreated the scenario in your mind to the best of your ability. Sigmund likely sat in his chair, as he always did, when conversing with patients while the patient sat on the couch.
"How severe do you assume the memory loss will be?" you inquired.
Sigmund took a moment to sigh before answering, "It is hard if not impossible to say. Memory is something that is not yet fully understood by neuropsychology."
"Very well then. In any case, you would know more about this than I would. If you're certain about this, then I'll follow through. What exactly will happen when the day comes?"
The scene you had created in your mind remained static, the two figures spoke but their significance felt minute. In an attempt to salvage what remained of the conversation, you annexed more details of the room, such as the varying assortment of books in the bookshelf, furniture that was currently missing from the room as well as the stacking file cabinets that clung to the walls.
"Well, I will handle the majority of the paperwork but I do believe there will be some documents you need to sign. Nothing unusual, mostly consent forms and an inventory. After that, we shall move to the procedure room and wait for the physician."
Slowly the vision became clearer, so much so that you could see the scowl on your own face form at the mentioning of the physician.
"Physician... meaning you will not be administering this procedure yourself?" you queried.
Sigmund brought his hooves together and clicked them as he affirmed, "I am not licensed to do so. Do not worry, he is a friend of mine and I trust him. At any rate, what you will experience will be fairly straightforward. You will be given a general anesthetic that will cause you to fall asleep. Once the physician is certain you are asleep, you will then be given a muscle relaxant to manage the possibility of your muscles seizing. After that..."
Sigmund's trailing voice allowed for the opportunity for you to continue for him, "The physician will run the electrical current through my brain."
The clarity of the vision had not changed but you could see Sigmund nodding in affirmation. Silence presented itself for a few moments before Sigmund began again.
"The procedure is set for a week from today."
The vision had yet to clear but it became apparent that the conversation between Sigmund and you would end shortly, indicated by Sigmund's rise from his chair and his walk towards the door. Imitating Sigmund, you rose from his couch and proceeded to the door. As you arrived, Sigmund had a few more words to speak.
"I would like to remind you that this procedure is entirely your decision. If at any point before the moment of, you no longer wish to undergo it then I will not force you to do so. I have advised you to the best of my ability and I will support whatever decision you make."
"I will do it, Sigmund. I will do it."
"What?"
The vision faded abruptly, restored with Rainbow Dash's confused look. Only a fraction of a second was required for the realization that you had spoken the last sentence out loud. Stunned by this revelation, you were taken aback for a split second, but you hastily reconstructed your composure. In a desperate attempt to dismiss the issue, you stammered a response.
"N-nothing."
But Rainbow Dash would not have it.
"That was not nothing. Did you have another flashback or vision?" she mused.
Sensing that further avoiding the matter was futile you gave in and elaborated.
"Not exactly," you muttered, leaving much to Rainbow Dash's imagination, though her imagination would only sate her for so long.
"Then what exactly?" she said in a much more demanding tone than before.
You briefly mulled over precisely what you would reveal before speaking.
"I did see a vision but it was nowhere as distinct or transparent as the other visions I've had. The voices I heard... they belonged to me and my therapist. We were discussing my electroconvulsive therapy and whether or not it would be viable to go through with it," you confessed, the entirety of it had seemingly overwhelmed Rainbow Dash.
Only seemingly, however.
"Woah woah, slow down. Electro-what?"
"Electroconvulsive therapy," you restated, stressing the latter portion of the word.
Rainbow Dash had a basic concept of what electroconvulsive therapy entailed and decided to share it with you.
"I think I've heard of that before. Isn't that where they tie you up on a bed and shock you with electricity so that you get better?"
"Well..." you began, "it's not quite as barbaric as you described, but essentially yes."
Rainbow Dash's lips separated just slightly before closing while her gaze moved away from you only to return moments later. She hesitated once more before she posed a question.
"But it didn't work, did it?"
Without putting much conscious thought, you answered, "No, it didn't."
It was then that the metaphorical light bulb in your mind was lit. The connection between the hidden letters and files and Sigmund's secret became pronounced but in essence, and in your hopes, remained speculative. Yet the presented evidence felt overwhelming. On their own, the evidence would be dismissible if not excusable, but in conjunction they could not be ignored. The hidden files alongside the cryptic journal page removed from Sigmund's journal pointed towards some event that was kept hidden from you. But the event that they pointed towards was your electroconvulsive therapy.
My ECT was not kept hidden from me. Sigmund had already told me what had happened. There was some malfunction... or the physician had incorrectly performed the procedure. Whatever it was, Sigmund did not keep this from me. I knew the truth.
The files inside the manila folder had dwindled and now consisted of only a mere fraction. With only so many items left, there would be no reason to overlook the remaining documents. You returned to the remaining stack one last time and continued your pseudo-automated search of the documents. As before, many of the documents were of no importance or major relevance to your suspicions. Medical reports and letters to colleagues of Sigmund were in abundance. You expected to find nothing more and for the mystery to remain as just that, a mystery. With the end being so close, you slowed down to assure no mistakes would be made. The headers were of no interest and with the quickly dwindling amount of documents left, your conflicting sentiments clashed. Your hunger for the truth would not be sated but your desire for ignorance might be appeased.
That is, if one of the final remaining documents had not maintained the word 'Electroconvulsive Therapy Report' in its header.
Upon encountering this document, you froze. You reread the title again and again to assure yourself that you had read it correctly. After the fourth time, you were certain of it. It was unlike the previous reports and documentation of your ECT; they all pertained to formalities and regulatory paperwork. This document, as you quickly scanned, was a report from the proctoring physician. His name, as yours, had been redacted. Still, you knew even without direct evidence that this ECT report pertained to you.
Date, redacted. Physician, redacted. Patient, redacted. Therapist, Sigmund. It has to be mine. There is no other reason why Sigmund would allow his name to remain while mine and the physician's are gone.
The more you scoured the document, the more the sense of familiarity came over you. You could swear you had seen this document before. It was then that an epiphany came to you.
I have this document in my own folder.
Your eyes widened and shifted towards your closed folder that lay upon the same desk where the current folder's documents were scattered about. You nearly ripped the folder in two by the sheer speed you opened it with. While you fanned the pages in your folder, Rainbow Dash had asked you a question, but the question itself was lost in your stream of consciousness. You were far too focused on finding the matching document. The incorrect documents from your folder were tossed aside without care, neither picture nor letter were spared. And by the time half of the papers had been searched, you had yet to find the document you had searched for.
Then it appeared, sitting upon the fractional documents of your own manila folder. It was nearly identical to the document you discovered in Sigmund's hidden folder. Both documents had the same formatting as well as the same font but your copy did not have the phrase "redacted" marked over its contents. Whether your version expressed the truth or lies was now unknown. You brought the two documents together at last to compare them, to discern the truth.
My name is on my document, as is Sigmund's full name. The name of the physician... redacted on the hidden document, but on mine his name Magic Bolt.
The name Magic Bolt resonated with recognizability, as you were sure you had heard it before elsewhere. And perhaps Rainbow Dash had as well, which inclined you to ask her.
"Rainbow Dash, have you heard of the name 'Magic Bolt' before?"
"Hmm," Rainbow Dash answered with her vision slightly deviating upwards, "yeah but it's a pretty common name. Like Strong Hoof for earth ponies or Long Wings for pegasi."
And that was what you feared.
A placeholder name. The name of the physician on my copy is nothing more than a fake name. All this time, Sigmund replaced the name of the physician with a placeholder. What else did he lie about? Just how many of my documents had been falsified?
With reality slowly unraveling, you grounded yourself in existence by returning to the comparison of the two documents. What you had hoped to find was no longer the truth, but an explanation for the discrepancies though you knew that the search for an explanation would prove fruitless. The chilling of your blood caught you off guard but you attempted to maintain your focus on the documents and nothing more. Reading lower into the document, you consciously read the lines of both documents.
As per regulations, the following document entails a brief summary of the electroconvulsive therapy performed on the patient. Following standard procedure, the patient was given the mandatory pre-ECT tests involving blood tests, psychological evaluations, and ECGs.
Again, as per regulations, the following document so on and so forth, psych evals and ECGs.
"Sit up straight for a moment, son. Need to wrap this around your forearm," directed a truly unfamiliar voice. A monotonous beeping accompanied the voice but lingered even after the voice ended. Suddenly the light in the room became much brighter, almost blinding, forcing you to shield your eyes for a moment. When you pulled your hoof away from your eyes, you found yourself sitting on a bed with a medical lamp being moved aside as a unicorn adorned with a surgical mask greeted you.
"Sorry about the light, didn't realize it would be so bright," he apologized.
He lifted up your right forearm and wrapped a cuff uncomfortably tight. On your left stood a much younger Sigmund, overseeing you and the masked unicorn. The vision was blurred, similar to the vision you experienced earlier. Some details could be made out however. A wire ran out the cuff into a small plastic box that laid on a table right next to the bed. The masked unicorn lifted up another cuff - albeit much smaller and made entirely of plastic - with his magic and asked for your left hoof.
"Don't worry, both of these are just to monitor your blood pressure and heart rate," he explained as he slipped the plastic cuff past your left hoof. "Now, he hasn't had anything to eat or drink in the last six hours right?"
Sigmund uttered "No, he has not," adding nothing more.
As the masked unicorn continued to fumble about behind you, you turned to Sigmund who picked up on your concern and reassured you.
"You will be fine, I promise."
The vision remained blurred but the masked unicorn returned on your left as Sigmund shuffled aside. He carried a number of small square pads with his magic and levitated them over you.
"Lean back onto the bed for me, please," he instructed as he motioned backwards. You did so and the small pads were lowered and placed, two on your chest and three on your forehead. They clung firmly to your coat. He explained the purpose of these small pads, "They'll monitor brain wave activity so we can record the results." In truth, most of this mattered little to you and you would rather the entire procedure be done with as quick as possible. But it was not from anxiety of the procedure but more from agitation to see the efficacy. The beeping continued as he returned behind the bed once more. He reappeared quicker than before and this time he brandished two small syringes.
"Now I'm going to give you two injections, an anesthetic and a muscle relaxant. After that, you'll fall asleep for a little while, I'll perform the procedure and then you'll wake up soon afterwards."
The masked unicorn seemed almost too cheerful to be performing this procedure but you were given little time to analyze his motivation. Quickly after his explanation, you felt the piercing sensation of a needle right above your left hoof. Your eyes darted towards your left hoof. You winced slightly but the needle was swiftly extracted only to return once again for only a moment. It too was taken away in a moment and before a bandage was hastily applied, you could make out a few drops of blood. Following the two injections, you stared back into the light as your vision blurred even further. The doctor rambled something but your consciousness slowly slipped from your grasp. You could see some sort of mask being lowered towards your muzzle but you could barely acknowledge its existence let alone understood its purpose. Your breathing became easier but your hearing worsened. The beeping quickened and became distorted. The sudden realization that this was the moment where something had gone wrong slowly crept over you like a brooding evil. Agitation was replaced by anxiety. You could feel your heart begin to pound faster and the beeping slowly morphed into one continuous tone. Your mouth dried and you tried to speak but nothing would be spoken. You heard a voice speak to another. You tried to open your eyes but the weight of your eyelids became far too heavy to bear. Slowly your eyes closed and darkness encroached. Total numbness emerged. Your breathing was no longer under your control. The tone disappeared and total silence reimbursed it. In a desperate attempt to undo what would be done, you used your remaining strength to awaken yourself. All you could muster was a couple more seconds of sentience. Your eye opened slightly. The mask that was placed earlier had been removed. Some other item was lowered towards your muzzle. The loss of feeling prevented you from knowing where it landed. Your hearing returned for a few seconds. You heard one voice speak. Another voice spoke after the first. As your consciousness lost you, the last sound you heard was the whining of an electrical generator.
The absence of both noise and picture gave you a sense of calmness.
Blinding light and ear-piercing cacophony materialized, destroying the silence and disjointing you from reality. A familiar voice could be heard through the noise and it quickly gained volume. It repeated your name over and over.
"Are you alright?!" Rainbow Dash practically shouted directly into your ear.
The blinding lights disappeared and the noises departed. Your sensation of touch returned. You could feel Rainbow Dash's hooves on your leg as she stood right beside you. You looked around only to find yourself back within Sigmund's office leaning on his desk with various papers from both folders scattered about, with the two ECT documents sitting in the middle. The windows displayed that the night was still present as was the rain. The light pounding of the rain against the glass could now be heard. Having returned to the appropriate state of mind, you needed a moment to compose yourself.
Just what was that?! That was almost as horrible as remembering the night...
With Rainbow Dash still attached, you responded to her.
"I-I'm fine," you unconvincingly replied.
"You are clearly not fine, you started having a panic attack or something. Now you're all tense and sweating and... is that blood coming from your mouth?" she questioned although it felt more akin to an interrogation.
You swallowed the saliva that had built up, likely to re-salivate your dried mouth, and noticed that you indeed were still fully tense. Your elbows rested on the table and everything else including your wings were fully flexed. You took in a shaky breath and simultaneously relaxed most of your body, allowing Rainbow Dash to release you from her grip. You used your wing to wipe off the sweat that had built up while also checking for the square pads. Finally, you brought your hoof to your lip only to find blood smeared across the lining of your hoof. It was then that you could taste the iron in your mouth. Pain shot across the vertical edge of your tongue, leading to the conclusion that you had bit into the edge of your tongue. As you rubbed the side of your tongue against the edge of your teeth, Rainbow Dash had not finished her questioning.
"So what happened?"
But your answer still lacked validity. The vision itself proved nothing more than the procedure of the ECT, not what Sigmund had meant to keep secret from you. You had yet to finish reading both reports, however. And in those reports was the truth.
Just put it out of your mind for now. Why did Sigmund keep this report from me, that is what I need to uncover!
So you ignored Rainbow Dash to her dismay and returned to examining both documents. You heard her grunt in anger as you dismissed her question, but with the answer so close, your patience for her was minimal. As before, both reports were nearly identical, with Sigmund's hidden file being cluttered with the phrase “redacted”. You continued to scan for differences but nothing arose from the text. With the end of the page rapidly approaching, a small bead of frustration began to awaken within you.
There are no differences. There is nothing different between these two documents! Why would Sigmund hide this from me? Just to save the identification of the physician? Was all this merely a ruse?
As you had done before, you mentally read both documents line for line and you had just now approached the final section: additional notes.
Additional notes: Malfunction of electrical generator resulted in slightly higher level of current applied to patient. Regional damage to unspecific brain areas expected. So it was a malfunction, not malpractice.
Additional notes: Procedure completed according to... Sigmund's specifications...
Sigmund's specifications...
You could not bring yourself to believe what laid before you. Your copy of the document as well as Sigmund's testimony from himself explained that an accident had occurred when you underwent ECT. That the end result of what had happened to you was purely accidental.
And the Sigmund's hidden document revealed the opposite. That it was no mistake, it was by design. It was intentional the damage that was done to you.
No... No no no. Sigmund... Sigmund had always told me that it was an accident that happened that day. That the therapy had not gone as planned. He would not do this, he would not betray me.
Yet, in your mind, you could hear his voice reading what you had read today.
"Nevertheless, there still exists cause for optimism for Blank. That however many years that still lie ahead for Blank can be endured without the memories that have plagued him."
"I will not lie to you, electroconvulsive therapy is not without its side effects. Memory loss for the procedure and for the day is almost guaranteed. Anything past that is generally abnormal and memory loss spanning past six months is exceedingly rare."
And the muddled voice you had heard during the final moments of sentience before your ECT procedure became crystal clear.
"Last chance to back out, Sigmund. Are you sure you still want it done this way?"
That was... the masked unicorn. Please, Sigmund. Do not answer him.
