XXIV. Redaction
As you felt a pair of wings tighten their grip on your waist, you slowly stirred and opened your eyes. The rain outside settled from a thunderstorm to a light drizzle once more, as it had been yesterday. Without moving, you examined your surroundings and reminded yourself that you were currently lying in your old bed, in your old room, in your old home. Then, you felt a breath of warm air on your neck, which was when you became physically aware of Rainbow Dash laying right behind you.
Though you laid on your side, she had her hooves on your hips, one above and one under. Her wings were positioned in the same manner, and they connected with each other at your waist. Despite the feelings of pleasure that your body received, you felt uncomfortable and borderline licentious. You tried to adjust yourself out of her hold, but having done so only succeeded in waking her up.
"Morning," she half-muttered, half-yawned. She pulled you closer to her and connected your back with her chest and waist. You grew even more uncomfortable when you felt the warmth from her body spread onto you. You did your best to suppress any signs of enjoyment, but failed to hold back the shuffling of your wings.
"So, you never got the chance to tell me what you remembered last night," Rainbow Dash mumbled softly.
You had almost forgotten your revelation from one night ago. You closed your eyes and hoped that your amnesia had not already stripped the memory from your mind. Luckily, you could still recall the day you received your Cutie Mark.
"I remember... I remember the day that I got my Cutie Mark," you replied.
You heard Rainbow Dash giggle as she moved her hoof from your hip down to the image on your flank. You refrained from letting out a gasp, but it became harder as Rainbow Dash began to trace circles around the edges of your mark.
"Yeah, I remember that day too," she commented as she continued her actions.
You tried your best to block out the sensations and continued to recount your memory.
"I remember that it was in the afternoon, and that... we were in a competition against some of our classmates."
With Rainbow Dash already as close to you as possible, she shuffled around once more and placed her chin right on your shoulder, which left hardly any space between your cheek and hers. She finally stopped her tracing of your Cutie Mark, but her face so close to yours still left you restless.
"Yeah, and we got first place too," she added.
After she filled in the last bit, you stayed quiet and remained motionless. But as she brought her hoof up towards your wings, you winced and arched your back.
"Sensitive, huh?" she teased as she began to rub your wings like she did a night ago. Already aware of her tricks, you refused to let yourself become prey to her carnal needs. You broke through her hold and shot out of the bed towards the window in your room. You heard her groan as you pretended to look out the window.
"What are you doing? Come back to bed," she urged.
You, however, knew that she would try to seduce you if you complied. Instead, you brought up the fact that the rain had settled since last night.
"The rain has died down, Rainbow Dash," you stated without taking your eyes away from the window.
"Yeah, so?" she asked.
With your mind sprawling to find something to change the subject, you remembered Rainbow Dash's promise to you; that the two of you would leave your home whenever you wished to do so. You turned towards Rainbow Dash to speak.
"You promised me that we would leave whenever I said that I wanted to leave. On two separate occasions, I told you that I wanted to leave and we did not. So, I am going to try one last time. Rainbow Dash, I want to leave. Now."
Your short speech left Rainbow Dash bewildered for a brief moment, but she quickly tried to reign the conversation in her favor.
"Yeah but look what happened since we didn't leave," she explained. "You remembered the day that you got your Cutie Mark, so it wasn't all bad right?"
Upset that she still insisted on staying in your old home, you let out a groan of frustration and brought a wing to your forehead and began to massage it, as though it helped to relieve you of your irritation. Although you managed to diffuse the conversation, it reawakened the contempt you felt for your home. You pleaded once more with her as you removed your wing from your forehead.
"Please Rainbow Dash? Can we please just leave? You know that I do not like being here. The fact that we spent the night here was bad enough in itself, but must we stay here much longer? The rain is gone, let's go back to your home. I much prefer it over this place."
Rainbow Dash stayed quiet for a moment before she sighed and threw the blanket off herself.
"Fine, I guess I owe you that much," she groaned as she stood up from the bed. "I don't want to leave just yet, but I did promise you after all. One memory's good enough, especially the one about your Cutie Mark."
You weren’t sure what had sparked her sudden inclination towards your promise, whether it was your dialogue or the frustration strewn upon your face was left a mystery. It mattered not however, as all you cared about was that you would shortly be leaving your home. In what you could consider a moment of joy, you trotted over to your saddlebag and slipped it on. You turned back to Rainbow Dash to see her stretch various parts of her body, only to look past her to see the sheets and blanket of your old bed undone.
"Rainbow Dash, shouldn't we fix the covers and sheets on the bed?" you asked.
She glanced back at the bed and said, "Uh, what for? Dude, I hardly ever fix the sheets on my bed. Besides, we won't be coming back for a while anyways so what's the big deal?"
Only one portion of that sentence caught your attention and it was the moment Rainbow Dash said, 'we won't be coming back for a while'.
"What do you mean that 'we won't be coming back for a while'?" you asked.
"Well, we're not just gonna abandon your home. Besides, it's our job now to start taking care of it," she responded.
You were about to press the issue once more, but you gave it a second thought.
Do not pester her anymore. For now, be grateful that you are about to leave.
Instead, you simply replied with, "Fine. Now, can we leave?"
"Sure, let’s go."
These words brought you great relief as you would finally be leaving. You turned to open the door and let Rainbow Dash through first. You followed her through the frame and grabbed the handle on the other end of the door. Before you closed the door however, you stared back into your room once more.
"Ten years. I spent ten years of my life in this room. And yet, it does not feel like home."
"You coming or what?"
Her voice snapped you out of your trance-like state and allowed you to close the door. You began to walk towards the stairs with Rainbow Dash and the two of you remained silent, until you passed the piano that rested in the area by the stairs.
"I can't remember, did you say that you used to play the piano?" Rainbow Dash asked as she pointed towards the large instrument.
You took no longer than a few seconds to respond with a simple "no", to which Rainbow Dash said, "Yeah, 'cause I don't remember you ever bringing it up when we were younger." You continued to hold your silence as the two of you transcended down the stairs into what was the living room of your home. As you set hoof on the first floor, you looked towards the large window to see the same light shower you had seen just moments ago. Your eyes scanned the room and you recalled what you had done yesterday; how you became overwhelmed with your emotions and destroyed one of your mother's ornaments. You turned to Rainbow Dash to ask her what had happened to the shattered ornament, but the fear of reminding her of your episode overpowered you. Fortunately, this fear only lasted momentarily as you gathered the courage to ask her.
"Rainbow Dash?" you called out.
She turned her head towards you and uttered a simple, "Hmm?"
"What happened to the... ornament that I," you began, "well... broke yesterday?"
"Oh, that. I threw it away," she answered quickly.
Her answer shocked you for a moment, for you failed to understand how she could so easily discard one of your mother's ornaments.
"You just... threw it away?" you questioned.
"Well, yeah. I mean, what else was I gonna do with it?" she said without any hint of understanding of your stance on the ornament.
You were about to answer back about the importance of the ornament when you realized that she was correct. The broken ornament no longer held any value and was more of a hazard than a decoration in its current state. Still, it did little to relieve you of the guilt you felt for having destroyed it. The expression on your face changed significantly enough for Rainbow Dash to notice your regret regarding the ornament.
"Hey, I wouldn't worry about it. There's a lots of other decorations in here and besides, I'm pretty sure your parents would forgive you if you broke one," she reasoned with you.
You heard her words, but another voice began to speak, a much smoother and silkier voice that said, "Accidents happen, and that was an accident, right?" Still, you refused to let yourself slip into another flashback in your home and retained your consciousness. You lightly shook your head from side to side and muttered, "I suppose so," to Rainbow Dash. She gave you a smile and continued to make her way towards the entrance of your home. You followed her and ignored the certain spot in the room that had set everything into motion. Rainbow Dash reached for the door knob with her hoof and secured her grip onto it, without turning. Instead, she began to speak.
"Now let's see, are we forgetting anything? I put the key in your saddlebag, I cleaned up the thing you broke," she listed off as you frowned upon the mentioning of the broken ornament.
"And I closed all the windows. Nope, don't think we forgot anything."
"Good. Now, please, if you will," you said as you nodded towards the door.
She pulled the handle of the door and swung the door wide open, which let in a flood of light into your home. Having just woken up, the light was momentarily too bright for your eyes and you brought up your wing to shield your eyes as they slowly adjusted to the sun and the sky. After a few seconds, you lowered your wing and squinted your eyes as you walked onto the porch-esque entrance of your home and into the light rain. You heard the door close behind you and without warning, Rainbow Dash reached into your saddlebag, causing you to flinch. You shot your head back towards her but before you could utter a word, she spoke.
"Relax, I'm just looking for the key to lock the door," she explained.
And so you relaxed as you returned your head back forward and calmed your muscles. The small droplets of water continued to fall as she nudged the contents of your saddlebag around until she finally fished out the key. You heard her turn away for a second and lock the door; the sound of the lock turning into place brought a stunning sensation of what you could only recognize to be elation, but the moment only lasted for no more than a few seconds when you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof enter your saddlebag once more. You expected her to drop the key and immediately buckle the saddlebag closed, but her hoof lingered for more than what seemed necessary. As you turned your head back to see why she had not closed your saddlebag, the familiar noise of pills clinking and clunking into one another gave you another sensation. However, instead of a stunning sensation of elation, it was a devastating perception of discouragement. Rainbow Dash had pulled out one of the three capsules that contained your anti-depressants, the same anti-depressants that you were supposed to be taking routinely.
"You know, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be taking these," she started as her tone carried a sense of reproach, "and I haven't seen you take any in a while."
You ignored her statement and turned completely towards Rainbow Dash while your brow furrowed.
"Give those back to me, Rainbow Dash," you demanded.
You swiftly reached out with your wing in an attempt to snatch the capsule of pills from her hoof, but Rainbow Dash's reaction time was far superior to yours. She pulled her hoof back quicker than yours and passed the capsule back into one of her wings to keep it further away from you. You became flustered and tried to reach for them once more but Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on your chest to hold you back from them. You focused your vision on the capsule and watched as the light rain began to wet the surface of the capsule.
"Hold on," she said as the raised her wing higher in the air to create further distance between you and the capsule, "I just wanna know why you aren't taking them. I mean, it's your medicine, right?"
You dropped your head and sighed rather loudly. You did not want to answer her question, so you attempted to divert her question with one of your own.
"Why do you care?" you asked as you brought your head back up to level with her own.
You knew your question was weak and it proved to be so with Rainbow Dash's quick response.
"You know why I care, that much should be pretty obvious by now, "she sternly replied.
Normally, you would have tried to further redirect the question elsewhere but you have learned by now that Rainbow Dash's perseverance would hold out longer than yours would, and that the path of least resistance was to simply answer the question. You stayed quiet for a moment longer all the while Rainbow Dash kept her hoof on your chest and her sight fixated on you. You eventually summoned the strength to answer her question.
"The reason why I have not been taking the pills is because I cannot remember to," you quickly spat out.
Rainbow Dash adopted a look of confusion and asked, "What do you mean, you can't remember?"
You felt your frustration begin to boil and rise to the surface but you quickly reminded yourself as to why Rainbow Dash had asked you about the pills in the first place. And so, you let your frustration settle and answered her question again.
"What I mean is that I am supposed to take two pills daily, but my memory doesn’t allow me to hold the routine. Especially with what's happened these last few days."
Rainbow Dash removed her hoof from your chest and brought the pills a slight bit closer to you.
"Well, that's not gonna happen anymore. If these pills are gonna help you get better sooner, then I'll remind you everyday to take them," she said as she brought the pills within wings' reach of you.
You stretched out your wing and wrapped your feathers around the damp plastic capsule and placed it back into your saddlebag along with the two other capsules.
"Now c'mon, let's get out of this rain," she suggested as she stretched her wings out. You did the same as you prepared yourself for your flight back to Rainbow Dash's home. You hoped that she remembered the path back to her home and the quickest path as well. The couple of minutes that you had been awake in your home had already left you almost completely mentally exhausted, so that you could not even bother to have any final remarks about your home. As Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and lifted herself off the cloud, you imitated her and followed her as she took off into the sky. You took one final glance back at your home and felt no qualms about leaving it in its current state.
After having flown for an unknown amount of time, you eventually returned to the bastion that was Rainbow Dash's home. At the very least, this home held no memories that could come back to haunt you and this was enough for you to consider it a safe haven. Although you were not sure at what time you had left your home, you assumed that it was about midday now as the sun lied in the middle of the sky. Rainbow Dash landed on the cloud of her home while you followed not far behind. The rain had grown even more calm by now, with only the slightest bit of drizzle still falling. Rainbow Dash walked towards the door and entered her home, and you did not hesitate to follow her in. You closed the door behind you and let out a sigh of relief, that you were finally away from those painful memories of your former home. Unfortunately however, you were not completely safe from Rainbow Dash herself.
"So, what happens now?" she asked as you sensed that she wanted to accomplish more by the end of the day.
But you were in no mood to further search the recesses of your mind for another memory, especially since the last memory you unlocked was quite possibly the most significant memory you could hope to retrieve.
"Nothing, Rainbow Dash. I am tired, both physically and mentally. I need to collect myself and my thoughts before we can even consider trying to retrieve another memory. Besides, my therapist said that I should try to retrieve the memories slowly, not all at once." you explained in hopes that she would understand.
And to your surprise, she did.
"Well alright. Go ahead and relax. I'm gonna grab something to eat, you want anything?" she asked as her current attitude appealed to you greatly.
As for her query, you felt no hunger but you did feel the need to take a shower.
"No, I'm not hungry. I do however, want to take a shower," you told her.
"Okay, you know where the shower is. Just grab a towel in one of the drawers."
She turned away and headed into the kitchen where her fridge was while you removed your saddlebag and headed towards the bathroom. And for the first time in the last few days, you finally had time for your thoughts.
At last, peace and quiet. No fear of any possible future traumatic experiences, for all that lies ahead is a shower. Rainbow Dash's attitude is far more agreeable right now. If only she was like this all the time. Although, I suppose if that was the case, I may have never retrieved the memory of how I obtained my Cutie Mark. Oddly enough, I still do not know what my Cutie Mark represents. I have never been able to uncover what my 'supposed' special talent is, or if I even have one.
You entered the bathroom and closed the door while you flicked on the lights of the bathroom. You pulled back one of the drawers to find a plain blue towel that rested inside; thus, you pulled it out and hung it on the railing of the shower curtain. You peeled back the curtain, turned the knob towards the direction of the warm water and entered the shower. The pleasure that arose from the warm water making contact with your coat was one of the simple pleasures you could still enjoy, only through the virtue that there was little to experience from a shower.
So much has happened in just a short 48 hours. It's almost too much to handle. Finding another pony that might know about my past, going back to the place where it all started, being in the same room I used to sleep in 10 years ago. All stressful, there’s no doubt about that. But, I have finally made some progress. I still have a large portion of my life that I have yet to uncover, but over time, those portions will slowly start to return to me. And maybe, just maybe I can rid myself of both this amnesia and depression.
You closed your eyes and lowered your head to allow the water to flow through your mane and down your neck. The room began to fill with steam and as the air became thicker, you unfurled your wings and allowed them to rinse in the water. The hot water soothed your coat and muscles and it almost felt as if the stress was washing off of you. You released a heavy but content breath of air and opened your eyes. You looked for the the shampoo you had used once before in the same shower and applied it to your mane. Bubbles and foam began to form as you scrubbed your mane from top to bottom. As the mass of foam began to spread to your forehead, you closed your eyes once more and placed your head directly under the shower. While you rinsed your mane, your ears flicked as you heard a faint noise in the background. You remained motionless for a second in an attempt to listen closer, but the noise had vanished. Thus, you continued with your shower and slowly the foam began to dissolve and fade away into the drain. You used your hoof to scrub off any remaining shampoo and once you felt all of it gone, you opened your eyes again. You turned around in the shower to look for the bar of soap.
"Hey make some room," you heard as the curtains of the shower were peeled back in the fraction of a second. You were caught completely off guard which caused you to bump into the shower wall and knock over the shampoo and bar of soap you had been looking for. Rainbow Dash stood right outside of the shower, curtain in hoof and smirk on her muzzle; the same smirk she had two nights ago when you and her shared an intimate moment, despite how uncomfortable it had made you. You used the wing not pressed against the shower wall to cover your body but most of it remained exposed to her. And even though the water you showered in was temperate, you felt your face boil from embarrassment.
"R-Rainbow Dash! What are you doing?!" you stammered as you lifted your forehoof from the shower floor.
She had already taken two steps into the shower when she answered, "I need to take a shower too."
She had already pulled back the curtain towards the end of the shower when you responded with, "Get out!"
As the warm water made contact with her coat, she let out a content sigh and expanded her own wings while you stayed pressed against the shower wall. She inched herself closer to the stream of water until her head laid directly under the shower head. You averted your eyes away from her and you found yourself staring intensely on the ceramic tiling of the shower. You only managed to do so for a few moments however, as you soon returned your view to Rainbow Dash. You saw how her dampened rainbow-streaked mane clung to her head and how the smile she bore was an expression you wished you could share with her. And as she tossed her mane back to clear her view, she looked directly towards you. You could not help but to look away in shame. For Rainbow Dash’s feelings of joy and serenity, had been countered by your own feelings of humiliation and lewdness. Rainbow Dash placed her hoof on your wing and playfully asked, "What's wrong?" Although by her stifled laughter and her tone, it was obvious that she knew.
"Aww c'mon dude, try to relax," she goaded once more.
You did not budge from your current position, which was still pressed against the wall with your eyes fixated on a single ceramic tile. It was not until you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof move from your wing to your neck that you slowly began to shift. You felt her hoof massage your neck and you were helpless to prevent her from having pulled you in closer. You relaxed your wing as you your body united with hers.
"That's better," she whispered as she leaned her head against yours.
You closed your eyes as the two of you continued to stand under the shower without much movement. The motionlessness only lasted for so long, as Rainbow Dash broke the unity between the two of you. You opened your eyes and saw that she was no more than a few hairs away from your muzzle. Your heart began to pace faster as she came closer, And when your lips touched hers, you felt overwhelmed. The feelings were not positive however, as they consisted mostly of embarrassment and shame. The longer you held the kiss, the stronger these feelings grew. And soon the feelings became unbearable. You pulled back and broke the kiss which left both you and Rainbow Dash breathless. Still, you managed to have enough breath to speak.
"I...," you managed to spit out, "I'm sorry Rainbow Dash... I can't do this."
And before she could say a word, you had already pushed away the shower curtain and stepped out. Nearly soaked to the bone, you grabbed your towel that you had pulled out and hastily wrapped it around your body as you ran out of the bathroom. You continued through the hallway, up the stairs and into the bedroom you had slept in two nights ago, all the while you held onto your towel with your wings. As you entered the room, you closed the door behind you and then began to dry yourself properly. You started with your waist and slowly worked up to your mane. You resisted the urge to belittle yourself for not being able to keep your composure in the shower. The urge soon won over.
Idiot. You can't spend a single intimate moment with her. All because you're too embarrassed. She'll be here any minute to tell you same thing.
You pulled the towel away from your face and stared at the door. You waited for the handle to turn and for the frame to swing towards you. You waited for the sound of water to drip on the floor and the creak of the hinges of the door. You waited for Rainbow Dash to come through the door because you knew that she would confront you about this.
Then, you saw the handle turn slowly. And what followed was Rainbow Dash. And you turned your eyes away from her, as you always did when you felt shame.
"Hey..." she weakly started in an attempt to get a measure of your current status.
You brought your eyes back up to glance at her but you quickly averted them afterwards. She walked over towards you and took a seat at the foot of the bed alongside you.
"Was that, uhm... too much? I didn't think it'd be after last-last night," she asked, still unsure of how you felt.
You tried to speak but you pursed your lips instead. You tried once more and you were successful the second time around.
"Two nights ago, I..." you began," it was different. I can't remember much of it. It was... I don't know. It was different." you explained, rather poorly.
"Are you just confused or something?" she iterated.
You sighed and nodded your head as you said, "Yes. I suppose I am just confused."
You turned to face her as you felt more comfortable with her understanding of your predicament.
"So you like stallions instead of mares or... what?"
But it soon became clear that the two of you were on very different pages.
"What? No! That is not what I meant!" you shouted.
After the confusion of your preference, you knew that Rainbow Dash would only let up if you fully explained to her why you were so incompetent and inexperienced with intimacy; about how it stemmed from your years of isolation in the asylum.
"Well, you said you were confused. "I thought you meant like, confused confused," she made clear.
"Listen Rainbow Dash." you said as you prepared yourself mentally.
Tell her. You can trust her, she's proven that time and time again.
Out of your peripheral vision, you saw her turn to face you but you kept your vision static, face forward and eyes ahead.
"I assume the reason you are so at ease with this... subject, is because you have experience," you stated as you finally faced her, "correct?"
"Uhm, yeah I guess," Rainbow Dash answered, still unaware of where you planned on heading with this.
You turned away from her again.
"That is what I lack. Experience. In the asylum where I grew up, I was isolated for the most part. I did not have any interaction with anyone my age. Either older or rarely younger. I was schooled at the asylum, so I eventually learned about... reproduction, but that's as far as I know. Or as far as I am comfortable with."
Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath before she started to speak.
"Hey look, I get it. First time's always a little awkward. But, I'm really the first pony you've, you know," she waned on her last word.
You turned to her and nodded as you said, "Seven years in the asylum, not exactly the right environment for this sort of matter."
You noticed her smile for half a second before she spoke up.
"Right. Things get easier though, the more they happen. Trust me, you'll be more comfortable with this sorta stuff the more we do it. And we were kinda taking things too fast. We'll slow down and you'll see, you'll start to really like it."
You did not say anything afterwards; it was more because you were not sure what to say, but it seemed that Rainbow Dash did not need a response. She scooted closer to you and wrapped a wing around you. You figured it was a test to see how much she could get away with, but after the shower episode, a simple wing wrapped around you was not enough to set you off. Her coat was still damp and so was yours, but neither of you seemed to mind. You tried to clear your mind of your usual thoughts about how scandalous and wrong it felt to be intimate and as you did, your head slowly began to lean in closer to her. And as you purged the final thought from your conscience, you felt bliss as your head connected with hers. The physical contact was minimal, but it was enough to fill you with a sense of enjoyment; a rarely-felt feeling.
The silence remained for some time but the silence was eventually killed.
"So, you basically grew up in the hospital huh?" Rainbow Dash asked as she broke the connection between the two of you.
You lifted your head up straight as the connection was gone and answered her question.
"Essentially. I lived there for a long time. Why?" you asked, oblivious to Rainbow Dash's intentions.
You were aware of a plan that Rainbow Dash had, but the pieces were scattered and lost.
"Well, I was just thinking," she softly uttered.
But the more she spoke, the more the pieces started to fix themselves.
"Since going to your old home helped you get a memory," she continued.
Your mind began to see the whole plan that Rainbow Dash was implying but the final piece was missing.
"Maybe going to the asylum will help you get another memory!" she finished.
And the final piece adjusted itself.
She wants to go back to the asylum? Why? There's nothing there for me.
"Why do you want to go to the asylum? There's nothing there for me to remember, Rainbow Dash," you explained.
But she would not give up on the idea so easily, as she replied with, "You don't really know that. Besides, I'm pretty sure any memory you can get back is a good thing. C'mon, it'll be good for you. I promise."
You know this will be good for you. Go back there. She will keep you safe if anything happens.
You groaned, "Fine. We will go back to the asylum, eventually."
She got up from the bed while she said, "Great. We'll leave in a bit but I'm starving so I'm gonna grab something to eat."
And before you could even object to leaving today, she left the room and left you behind on the bed, dumbfounded.
Dammit, I told her that I did not want to do anything else today. Maybe I should have objected. But then I guess I would have just gotten into an argument with her. And I do not want that.
You let yourself fall onto the bed and stretched out your wings and forelegs. You let your eyes close and you rested for a moment. You thought about what memories you still had from the asylum and you could only recount a few. You remembered when you were first brought to the asylum, how you sat outside a room and heard two ponies discussing you and your circumstances. Another memory you managed to retain was when a patient at the asylum was finally released and how he met with another pony in the lobby of the asylum. And the final memory consisted of your departure and despite it only have been a few weeks since then, it already seemed like a distant memory.
All those years and I only have three concrete memories to show for it. Perhaps it is a good thing that we are going back.
Time passed seamlessly and sometime after, you finally rose up from the bed. You felt relaxed and at ease which was unusual for you. You looked towards the window and saw that the rain had let up for now. Your coat felt dry by now, so you left Rainbow Dash's room and made your way down the stairs. And to your surprise, you found Rainbow Dash at the first step as she was just about to head up the stairs.
"Oh hey, I was about to come getcha," she said as she backed up off the first step of the staircase.
You made your way onto the first floor as Rainbow Dash continued to talk about the trip to the asylum.
"If we leave now, we should be able to make it before it gets dark, so we should hurry," she explained.
You simply nodded as you did not felt the need to give a verbal response. After you slipped on your saddlebag, you made your way to the door with Rainbow Dash right behind you. You opened the door and Rainbow Dash closed it as she exited her home. Rainbow Dash took off first, as she normally did and you followed behind. By now, the afternoon was slowly transitioning into the evening and in a few hours, nightfall would arrive. But all you could contemplate was how different everything had become for you since you had left the asylum.
It feels strange not constantly being bombarded by negative, poisonous thoughts. But I have hardly been able to experience elation or joy. It has mainly been the absence of the painful memories and negative thoughts. That alone is not enough to bring me happiness but the neutrality of my emotions is arguably more pleasant than being in a constant state of melancholia.
After what felt like hours, the two of you finally reached Manehattan, the city where both the asylum and hospital resided. Once you entered the city, you flew only a bit further before Rainbow Dash halted, prompting you to do the same.
"Well, this is where you take over," she said as she hovered just a bit ahead of you.
You were a bit confused as to what she meant, so you reluctantly asked what she meant.
"What do you mean?"
"Uh, I dunno where the old hospital is. But I'm pretty sure you do," she remarked.
Now having understood her, you scanned the skyline of the city with no results. You had never left the asylum entirely, so while you may have a perfect mental map of the asylum itself, the surrounding area was a mystery. But you invoked the memory of your departure from the asylum to see what you could remember from the area.
After I passed through the metal gate, what was in front of me? Just a building, but I cannot remember anything specific about it. It was just a building. After that, I just walked down the road until I eventually reached the dirt road that lead me to the little village.
You closed your eyes to give yourself a stronger sense of concentration and attempted to recall the surrounding area once more.
I passed the building and kept walking. Only buildings and more buildings surrounded the area.
The memory was foggy, but you could still make out the large constructs that served as buildings in your memory. But in your journey through your memory, one area lacked the construct. There was a space in between two large ones that spanned a considerable distance. As you focused on the empty area, a color began to make itself visible. Green was the primary color seen in the absence, but other structures began to form within the area. To your surprise, they began to take the form of trees. Slowly, other structures began to form as well which ranged from bushes to flowers. The absence was then filled with these structures and it became clear where this area resided.
"There's a large park near the asylum," you stated as you opened your eyes.
"Know where it is?" Rainbow Dash asked, blind to your small mental excursion.
You scanned the area above where you hovered and looked for a dirt path that would connect the small village with the city. When you did not find it, you took a guess and flew in towards the city in hope that you would not be wasting time as the sun was just about to set. You searched for the gap in the city's area that would indicate the lack of a large building. After a few minutes of searching, you came across the same green construct that you saw in your mind; the park.
"There it is," Rainbow Dash pointed as you and her slowed down. And indeed, there was the park. A part of it was similar to what you saw in your memory, but the rest was different. You knew that on the day you left, you did not fly out of the city. Instead you walked, so you began to descend. Rainbow Dash followed behind you and as you heard her hooves click on the ground, she asked you a question.
"So, are we close? It's getting dark already."
The street lights of Manehattan flickered on as the sun set and left a dark-orange hue on the sky. You turned to Rainbow Dash and said, "Yes. We should be close."
You began to walk down the path that would surely lead you to the asylum. You saw other ponies walking to and fro from the park. This was the first time in a while that you had been around other ponies that were not Rainbow Dash, but they seemed to keep to their own. The looming sense of fear did not take a hold of you this time, as it had when you went back to your old home. You figured it was because the only memories you have of the hospital were not ones of pain or fear or loss. They were just memories, neither positive nor negative for the most part. Minutes passed and the sky darkened further. While you walked, you took a glance towards the sky and you could see a large raincloud slowly approaching the majority of the city. You feared it would rain before you would get the chance to enter so you quickened your pace ever so slightly. As you came to the end of the building on your right, you saw it.
The asylum was guarded by a large metal fence that had been painted black with dulled points at the top. There was a pattern to the fence that repeated for the entirety of the building. There was some space between the fence and the building that served as a yard. The entrance to the asylum was closed off by two large metal gates that shared the same design as the fence, albeit larger. The building itself did not have many unique features. The asylum reached about five or six stories and the face of it was flat. There were many windows that covered the asylum. The sides of the asylum shared the same feature. All in all, the asylum itself did not differ much from the surrounding area, save the fence that guarded it.
"Woah, that must be it, right?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You said nothing and continued on the path until you reached the entrance of the asylum. The gate that guarded the area towered over you, but you remembered that the gate was always open. You knew that they must have locked it once the asylum was abandoned. You pushed against the metal gates but the lock that bound the two gates together did not budge and would not budge any time soon.
"Yeah, like that's gonna stop anypony," Rainbow Dash scoffed as she flew over the fence into the yard.
You followed suit and flew over the fence and landed in the yard right behind the gate. There was a path that lead to the door and it was the same path that you took on the day of your departure. You followed the path with Rainbow Dash right behind you and you eventually reached the door to the asylum. The fear that you carried when you were before your old home's door was not present. And thus, you did not hesitate to open the door. But as you pushed the door in, it stopped after just a bit. You looked lower and saw that this door carried a lock as well. You removed your hoof from the door and looked towards Rainbow Dash.
"The door's locked. We can't go in," you said without much emotion.
In truth, you were a little less than disappointed that you made the trip to Manehattan for nothing.
"Lemme try something real quick," Rainbow Dash said as she slowly backed up away from the door.
You stepped away from the door and walked onto the grass in the yard while Rainbow Dash trotted to the metal gate. She faced the door and crouched as she unfurled her wings. You were still unsure of what she was about to try, but as she started to flap her wings, you realized what she was going to try. And before you could say a word, she took off, reaching a feather-ripping speed in a matter of seconds. As you looked towards the doors to the asylum, they swung open. You swiftly walked into the asylum and set your eyes on the lobby.
"Haha, yeah!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
You heard her speak but you did not listen, for you were too busy examining your surroundings. The lobby was still the same, nothing had changed although this did not surprise you. The lobby was shrouded in darkness but you remember there being a switch on the wall near the entrance. You turned to your right and saw the switch and you quickly flicked it into the "on" position. The lights above the lobby flickered before activating, and the lights in the left and right corridor switched on as well. It had still only been a few weeks, yet it felt like ages since you last set hoof in the asylum. You looked above where the receptionist would sit and saw the same signs that had always been there. One pointed towards the left that read, "West Wing" and the other pointed to the right that read, "East Wing". And it seemed that Rainbow Dash had looked at the same subject matter.
"What's in the West Wing?" she asked.
Luckily, this was something you actually remembered.
"The West Wing is actually the asylum. This whole building is really more of a hospital that treats ponies that are either physically or mentally ill. The East Wing is where ponies would go if they were physically sick. West Wing is for mentally ill patients. I mostly lived in the West Wing, I hardly ever went to the East Wing."
With that, Rainbow Dash trotted into the West Wing and you followed her.
"So, see anything that looks familiar?" she asked.
"Everything looks familiar, Rainbow Dash. But nothing seems to be triggering a memory," you replied in your usual tone.
She continued down the corridor of the West Wing and passed many of the rooms that were used for diagnosing the mentally ill. You saw her peer into many of the rooms that consisted either of offices, group therapy sessions or counseling offices.
"Did you have your own room in here?" she asked as she continued to look into many of the rooms.
"Yes, but it was more than likely given to some other pony. I did not have many personal belongings so the room more than likely looks like any other room."
Again, Rainbow Dash continued down the corridor again without stopping once. You still followed her while you observed your surroundings to see if any part of the asylum could trigger a memory. But unfortunately, nothing served as the catalyst. What you did see was the condition of the asylum and how well it was preserved despite being abandoned for a number of weeks. And as Rainbow Dash reached the end of the corridor, all that was left was one office and the stairway that lead to the second floor.
"Rainbow Dash, listen. There is not much for me here to remember. The memories I have here, they are meaningless. I do not think they will help me remember much. And the rest of the asylum does not look much different from any other hos-"
"Hey, isn't this your therapist's office?"
You sighed, for you had been cut off again, but you remembered that Sigmund's office was actually near the end of the corridor. As you trotted closer to his office, you saw his name on the door, on a small little plaque.
"Yes, this is his office..." you slowly said as your words drifted off.
"Yeah, I remembered 'cause his name's kind of weird," Rainbow Dash commented.
I do not think I should go in. It would not feel right to invade Sigmund's personal work area.
Yet, Rainbow Dash pushed the door open and entered his office anyway. You felt the need to stop her but as you stepped in, you could see that his office was almost empty. The only items that did remain were large, empty bookshelves, a plain wooden desk and chair, and a couch on the other end of the desk. You took a few steps closer into the room and let the door shut behind you. Sigmund's office was rather large compared to the other offices you had seen and you remembered spending several hours in this one.
This is where I came to see Sigmund almost every single day. I remember that he would tell me to seat myself on the couch and he would sit in his desk and he would talk to me.
"So I guess this is where he'd talk to his patients and stuff?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You nodded as you said, "Yes. I spent a lot of time here."
You kept your eyes on the couch and tried to recall a memory, any memory that you could from the asylum. You tried to remember a single conversation you and Sigmund had about anything.
"Hey... what's the number on your folder thing?"
But with Rainbow Dash having asked you questions about your case file, it made it harder to focus on a new memory.
"My case file number is 51097, Rainbow Dash," you answered with a hint of annoyance in your voice.
You went back to your memories but you suddenly had a realization.
"Wait, why do you want to know my case file number?" you asked as you turned towards her.
Rainbow Dash looked up from the desk as you asked her about your number.
"Maybe you should take a look at this," she said as her voice trailed off.
The fear that was not present suddenly sneaked up on you as you were unsure of what you would find. As you walked around the room, you saw a manilla folder on the desk. It's color and shape was identical to yours. Even the information on the cover read the same.
PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION
MANEHATTAN PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL
CASE NUMBER: 51097
But there was a stamp under the information on the folder. The red stamp clearly spelled out a single word, "CONFIDENTIAL". You hastily reached into your saddlebag and pulled out your own manilla folder. You placed it right beside the other folder which was almost identical to yours. The only difference was the stamp and that the folder with the stamp was significantly larger than yours. Your breaths became short as you tried to understand a logical explanation.
"No no, why would Sigmund have something like this in his office?" you asked yourself.
"I don't get it. Why is it a big deal?"
"Because Rainbow Dash, Sigmund told me that this case file," you exclaimed as you pointed to your original case file, "was the only copy of my case file!"
Why would he lie? What was he trying to hide from me?
You reached for the new manilla folder but you stopped before you opened it.
"What's wrong?" Rainbow Dash asked.
You knew that there was a reason why Sigmund had hidden this copy from you. You just did not know why.
"There's a reason why Sigmund did not want to me have this copy. He would not just hide it from me without a rational reason. Maybe I shouldn't," you said as you brought your hoof back.
No. You have to know. You have to know what Sigmund tried to hide from you.
And so, slowly, you brought your hoof back to the new manilla folder. You turned over the cover of the manilla folder and the first item you saw was a letter. The letter had many lines that were replaced with the phrase, "[Redacted]".
Redacted? Why? What was Sigmund trying to hide from me?
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I will see you all next year.
Editor here. I just want to remind everyone yet again that the story will be finished, even if the author has to pass it on to his grandchildren.
I... Can't even say I'm happy about this fic any more. Just surprised, and mildly pleased when it updates. Now, that could also be because of a total change of mindset between then and now, but I digress:
Keep writing, and I will keep reading.
One thing before i start reading. If it will spoil the story just send me a message or whatever BUT does any of the main characters die in the story? I like to ask before reading a story marked Tragedy because well I hate reading something then a main character dies in it.
nice chapter
4595615 Just a typo. Mind pointing out where?
Holy dick it lives
This is a great chapter. I really like it when this story updates. Will we have a new chapter soon?
Omg a new chapter
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouuuuuuuuuuu!
*breathes heavily* I'm excited to read the new update...
4595538
This seems to be an error then so far. The story is tragic so far. There is no indication of tragedy yet, no setup of hubris. Just a very sad tale about a mysterious past of the main character and his attempts to regain some semblance of a life.
Also, I hardly remember this story. I like that it is still alive but could you not end it on a cliffhanger that I'm going to forget before this freaking thing updates again?
4596184 That goes straight into a cliff hanger
4595480 I...I cant tell if that's a joke or not....
Edit: I don't think that was a joke
What a pleasant moment.
4595480
4597576
There is a reason for the name "Malevolent Mika". My guess everything is already written, he is just taking his time releasing it, just for the malevolence.
4599279 Are you following me....
I haven't read many 2nd Person PoV stories but this one just had me hooked and i couldn't stop reading...Oh dear one year span between last 2 chapters...pls no
Why so many stories leave me hanging!
4599727
How can I follow you when I see you comment in a story I have been following since its beginning? I have been on this site for so long, I am bound to just pop up in places.
4602043 Good point. I should stop posting comments at like 4am lol.
This is the only story on the site I've seen that has my name in it. It's really weird, especially since all the other names in the the ponyverse barely have human names in there. Everything else is just nouns, verbs, silly words and adjectives with the occasional concepts.
Har har har, Dash.
Sigmind... What are you hiding?
I'm finally I'm all caught up. I found your story couple of days ago and I love it. Keep up the awesome work.
Now I'm wondering what was Sigmund hiding that he doesn't want the main character to find out.
4659831 I don't know how or why you came up with this but it needs to be cannon.
Update soon? The story's addicting
Damn waiting for a chapter update is like waiting for a popular game like xcom 2 or fallout 4, you know it's coming but there's the fear of it being cancel. I decide to re-read all of it.
okay.. its been over a year since this has been updated. pls update soon?
Is this dead? I would like to know before I start reading it because I hate stories that dont have an ending
6643463
I am not dead. I promise you. Update soon.
6690435 Great thanks. I shall read it.
Here's another rare comment to encourage all efforts you have for this story.