Under the ruthless iron fist of an alien occupation, the princesses seek out mysterious powers all but unheard of. Their search draws them to the secrets that lay buried under the Crystal Empire itself.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This story seems interesting. Hope to see more of it.
Pretty good man. Fuckin' purge those aliens for us.
wow some one shanghaied a space marine chapter not many could do that. Only ones i can think of with that capability are the Dark Eldar and the Necrons.
Intriguing start, can't wait for more.
Alright, so I've decided to give the first few chapters of this a short review.
First of all, I like the story here. You have a good grasp on what you want to happen, and you've done a good job of investing me in the main character's backstory. There's just a few things you could do with improving on, and that's your grammar and syntax. I'll use the first 3 or 4 sentences of the story as an example and point out what you can do to make it more pleasant to the reader's eyes.
Alright. So the first two sentences are fine.
This is a run-on sentence. I'll show you how you can correct it, and point out what I've fixed for you.
So what I've done here is removed some unnecessary details, and fixed the word 'honored'.
This sentence is also a run-on sentence, and can be fixed very simply.
So what I've done here is made a slight pause in between each thing he feels as he wakes up. That way the reader can go through them one by one, and get a better feel for what the character is going through.
Overall, aside from the grammatical and syntax errors, this was an enjoyable read. I'll give a little review of the next chapter later tonight, or tomorrow morning.