• Member Since 4th Apr, 2012
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I write in the name of the Emperor.

Comments ( 212 )

This story seems interesting. Hope to see more of it.

Pretty good man. Fuckin' purge those aliens for us.

wow some one shanghaied a space marine chapter not many could do that. Only ones i can think of with that capability are the Dark Eldar and the Necrons.

Thanks to all who've read so far for allowing me to come home after work to a solid zero thumbs down on this story! Have another chapter as a thank you :twilightsmile: Will try and keep busy on this one, thanks again! (Note: Further chapters will not be added as frequently as this, this is just one I made earlier. I will try and update every 2-3 weeks.)

The chapter was entertaining. Hope to see more of it to see how the Equestrians will evict the Feds.

6308560 The answer could be right beneath their hooves :trollestia:

Looks good so far. :)

6309083 Here's to hoping I keep/raise the quality. Note to self: Never write while sleepy/hungry. :facehoof:

6308560 An entire chapter immortal Demigods that's how
Come you aliens, show me what passes for fury amongst your misbegotten kind!

6309139 Who says they even need a whole chapter :rainbowlaugh: Expect Astarte forces to remain within a double digit limit. For a while anyway. :rainbowkiss:

6309159 Its not going to take many marines to ruin some weak ass aliens using autoguns. It only takes a company to take over a planet occupied by an actual 40k faction, forget some nameless race like these things.

If this Marine's actions speak for his Chapter, then they need to get themselves fuckin' purged as shit. Damn heretics, siding with xenos filth that would mock the sanctity of the human form and double as mutant witches too weak to defend themselves from alien incursion. Surprised they don't keep backdoors to the Empyrean in every damn thing so they can summon forth daemonic legions like the disgusting horse-sorcerers they are.

I mean, god damn, there's heresy, and then there's HERESY.

Things are picking up, I'm waiting to see what happens when these two forces meet.

6309607 I think your expectations for marines might be a little much there, but either way, the aliens featured so far are not nameless, they are Feds. That's right, they literally identify themselves by the organisation they've built over the last 300 years, they're pretty messed up like that. And they are far from helpless, and have a lot more than small arms held in orbit, ready to use on Equestria in case anything 'unexpected' occurs. Also, for clarification, the Magna-rifle is far from being an autogun, it's sort of like a .50 cal Barrett and a Tau pulse rifle had a baby, and will make a mess of the weak points in power armour.

6310251 ....This is not the story for you, buddy :facehoof:

6310601 I'm pretty well versed in the lore. Marines don't live several centuries by dying left and right like people have them do in certain stories. It takes 50 years just to field one out of a scouting company and its not like they can mass produce them. Let's hope we don't see any "Dawn of War" style underpowered marines here.

I'm kidding. It's a good story. You couldn't have much of a narrative if you just had Astartes violently decapitating everything that moved. You write decently (could use an editor, though), it's a fun story. Original content. Bodes well.

Keep it up.

Just as a fluff point, though, and you should feel free to write it how you please, but something like those magna-rifles you're describing still wouldn't matter much to a Space Marine. They're absurdly tough. An unarmored one just doesn't care about your average stubber (a .50 anti-materiel is considered crappy sidearm caliber in the 40K universe, after all) shooting at them--a few perforations are not something of major concern. Fluff Marines are OP as shit.

That said, I was thinking they were something like multi-staged railguns, because Tau, but I like the idea. I also like the whole "racial identity disintegrated in favor of identification by our distinctly fascist-tastic New World Order" aspect. It's an interesting flavor. I'll admit I had thought they were just a bunch of generic Fire Warriors at first, but you've managed to break away from that archetype. That's a good thing. Means you're original.

6310703 Once again, I can't say I agree with you entirely on what you're proposing, but 40k has always been quite interpretative, so I guess neither of us are 'right' on the matter. Do keep in mind this is very much Alternate Universe 40k, so expect some changes to be made to the marines when compared to their 40k cousins. However I can promise you that the space marines being written into this story are far from Dawn of War's marine-made-of-playdoh, and are still the finest infantry the galaxy has seen to date. However I have never agreed with empowering characters to a degree in which they essentially become invulnerable, so expect awesome space-knights taking on 1000/1 odds and winning, but expect a handful of losses each bout. I hope you consider sticking around through the next few chapters to give me some feedback on the writing on the marine characters, thank you :twilightsmile:

6311584 I am not good with internet humour :facehoof: I usually need a 'lol' or 'jk' to help me realize when someone is joking around, sorry I misunderstood you earlier :twilightsheepish: This is the thing, a handful of novels (both Black Library and fan-made) have made Astartes extremely overpowered, and it's something I could never get behind when trying to write a decent story. A good story has the audience caring about the characters well-being, and this is exercised by putting the characters through painfully stressful times and moments when they're in genuine mortal danger. So don't expect these marines to take .50 cal rounds to the bare chest like bee-stings, expect them to be, for a lack of a better term that I can think of, 'biologically balanced'. In this story, a marines bones can withstand and even deflect the impact of a low powered/caliber bullet, they can bench up to 3 tonnes on a good day without power armour and can run 50-60 MPH when given some space. However heavy caliber rounds can hurt them, and through severe spinal/multi-cardiac/brain damage, kill them. Also, keep in mind Magna-rifles aren't just like a .50 cal rifle, they are like a type of railgun that uses electro-stimulated chemical rounds, which are accelerated under extreme exposure to high voltages. It'll put clean through a guy in bomb-disposal armour, maybe two, and space marines aren't entirely covered in 3-5 inches of ceramic titanium with adamantium ribbing :twilightsheepish: I hope the idea of marine characters taking some bad hits doesn't put you off, your feedback is very much appreciated :pinkiesmile: And don't worry, the marines are Blood Angel successors, so blood and innards are pretty much assured later in the story :rainbowlaugh:

Yeah, I mean, write them how you please--I'll never be offended by that. There's a lot of variability, so don't fuss about conflicting headcanons on Marine powerlevels. You're telling a good story so far, and that's the important thing, not the nominal distance an electromagnetically-motivated smart-fuzed sabot armature could impact into ceramic body armor and retain lethality. Those are pissy details and you mostly seem to understand that.

Do be careful to avoid what has been termed "Counterstrike Syndrome," though. It's the idea of putting in far too much detail about the weaponry being carried by the various dudes of your story, without focusing on the people themselves. Obviously the fact that this is a science fiction setting with no obvious real-life firearm analogues mitigates the risk a little, but when you're describing a Fed's (really, good job on the aliens, I'm liking their characterization) gun, be careful. Tac rails could play a part in the story later, but I find that subjecting parts like that to the test of Chekhov's Gun can be an extremely effective chaff-removal tool.

Ok I can get AU Astartes. I'm a big fan of fluff statistics and such when talking about 40k, and pretty much everything can shrug off shit like that aside from unaltered humans. However, suspense of disbelief is easy to achieve with the whole au thing.

6313625 I am a criminal when it comes to overstimulating detail, so I'll do my best to keep things flowing, but do forgive me if I get caught up in myself from time to time :facehoof: I suppose I just like to expose readers to what I'm seeing in my own head with as much clarity, I'll have to see how that pans out as this story progresses. And don't worry about the events eclipsing the characters, there'll be just as much focus on the people/ponies in this story as there will be there surroundings and the tools they use, but painting a clear picture of these things is something I've always felt the need to do.

6314635 These marines have a fair few differences from 40k marines, but these differences will be made apparent as the story goes along. For now all you really need to know about them is they're enough like their 40k variant as to behave and withstand the same things in combat. And combat, along with application of physics, is something I want to hold at least a portion of believability to it, I get this might seem obsolete in a universe were magic and daemons exist, but I've always felt it's a good quality to have at a stories side so the audience can ground themselves firmly within the story. It's all very impressive when a bolt-round is described as blasting a soldier into red mist, but I find it leaves a real impression describing it as how it would more likely work in the real world. The results are a lot more graphic than just leaving behind a smear on the floor :pinkiecrazy:

6315216 Sounds good to me! I'm looking forward to more.

I gave chapter 2 a chance but more or less skipped over the middle two thirds of chapter 3.

Because of how you started the story, chapters 2 and 3 are effectively flashbacks and you know what they say about those. (Basically, don't do them unless you're really good as an author, because the events prior to flashing back primed your readers to care more about what happens after the flashback than what happens during it.)

The beginning and end of chapter 3 foreshadowed what would happen when the flashback ended to a sufficient degree to come across as "boring but not quite skippably irrelevant to the events I've been primed to care about" but the middle fell below that threshhold.

6318967 It will help if you consider Chapter - 01 as a flash-forward, rather than the following chapters as flashbacks. A flashback, to me anyway, needs a significant portion of the story to pass before they can be initiated, but in this story the events of Chapter - 01 are not entirely meant to be the actual beginning of the storyline, it's more an event to catch peoples attention. Something it seems to have done quite well. Consider Chapter - 02 and onwards to be the genuine beginning of the story, no further breaks in the story's timeline will occur. If you're skipping over chapters because you want to get to the parts about space marines, firstly: This is not the story for you, and second, if you do stick around through these chapters and the next few, marines won't reappear until Chapter - O6/07. I would request that you please read the chapters that have been released so far with all the above kept in mind, and give your feedback after you have thoroughly assessed the story so far. Thank you for your time :twilightsmile:

Needs about 40,000% more purging, with additional prayer.

6319072 Wait for Chapter - 06/07 you ravenous pack of heathens! :rainbowlaugh: Don't expect much action until another few chapters have passed, can't exactly have space marines just pop out the ground :twilightsheepish:....Wait, that's exactly what happens....well, crap :raritydespair:

6319083 Zealots good sir, not heathens. Also, nobody expects random appearance of demigods, from the ground or otherwise.


6319107 You gotta admit, subterranean assault makes for a nice change of pace, right? :pinkiehappy:

6319117 Damn straight! Hit 'em with the gurrilla tactics from the inevitable system of sewers/catacombs under the city. Drop caravans and armored vehicles into sinkholes with explosives.

...or they could just punch the walls. These are Astartes after all.


It doesn't help. I already considered that you probably intended it that way and what you're saying runs counter to both my own observations (a decade and a half of reading (quite literally) gigabytes of fiction (both professional and fan-)) and the various books on writing I've read to see if I could clear out some cognitive blocks I have which limit me to being a mere co-author.

Yes, the authoring books generally say "hook the reader in chapter 1" and/or "start right into the action" (which I've managed to boil down to "finish giving an accurate first impression before the end of chapter 1"), but:

1. Your flash forward "sets the wrong hook" (It provides an answer to the reader's implicit "Why should I care?" that doesn't really apply well to chapters 2 and 3)
2. If I ignore chapter 1, then chapters 2 and 3 simply feel like things are taking too long to get interesting (they don't really have a hook of their own).

Despite that, there's nothing wrong with the pacing, tone, or focus in chapters 2 or 3... it's just out of place, given the hook you chose to set. You started out fast and then jammed on the brakes. If you condensed them, they'd work. If you set a more appropriate hook to give them sufficient reason, in and of themselves, to be engaging despite having started off with a spoiler for future events (which, if anything, weakens the desire to read them), there would be no problem.

As-is, people who are in the mood for the type of slow-build pacing exemplified in chapters 2 and 3 are likely to either be driven off by chapter 1's fast pacing or by realizing that, as a whole, the story has schizophrenic pacing while people who are looking for the kind of fast-start pacing from chapter 1 will be disappointed by chapter 2 and 3 and end up either losing interest or skipping through it.

(Do you start to see why flashing back or forward requires a lot of skill to pull off?)

If you want to keep the flash-forward design, my advice is to rework chapter 2 to introduce the hook for some kind of less action-oriented subplot interesting enough to make up for the "even less interesting when shown in contrast to what came before" effect of such a rapid backstep in time and pace. (I'd suggest something which evokes a blend of curiosity and anticipation, like a mystery, such that readers will be more likely to read deeply for little details you can just trickle out to keep them hooked.)

In case it helps your brainstorming on that front, two questions that occurred to me are "Where is Discord during all of this?" and "The Tree of Harmony seems pretty passive throughout all of this trouble, given the things it's done since it got the Elements back. Is this an 'avalanches start slowly, but move powerfully' situation?"

(In the latter case, you could say that the Magic of Harmony ties Equestria together into a planet-wide meta-organism and the only reason such trouble is being had is that the Ponies are Equestria's immune system and, like HIV, the Federation has been keeping the immune system too busy to muster a defense. Any secondary or tertiary response Equestria might have takes a long time in much the same way that, in a magicless environment, plants move much more slowly than animals and evolution and geology even more slowly still.)

Heck, you've already got a good tie-in for something along those lines given the reveal in Chapter 3 that, after all this time, they barely even know how to detect magic, let alone reliably manipulate it in an environment without Discord throwing a monkey-wrench in the works.

This chapter was interesting. Finding out the motives of the Feds and reading a description on most of the Mane 6 and the Princesses' appearances/personalities/and their role in combating the Feds was entertaining. Keep up the good job.

6319152 This is a much clearer explanation on the mechanics of this story, thanks for taking the time to write it all out :twilightsmile: Unfortunately I'm actually quite set in stone when considering the buildup of the story, how long it'll run for and how it all ties together, so re-writing anything at this point would mean unraveling and re-writing several more chapters to come, something I absolutely don't have time to do. I'll certainly apply your suggestions to future writing efforts, but for now the readers will have to make do with a handful of chapters that gradually build tension until the action arrives. Thank you again for your response, I really hope you decide to stick around through the chapters to come, but if not I can understand :twilightsheepish:

6319165 Thanks for the good word and for taking the time to read this story :pinkiehappy:


No worries, I understand. Glad I could help.

I can't promise I'll be able to keep myself from skimming at least parts of the next few chapters, but I'll definitively give it a fair shot.

Im surprised no thought to open the Gates of Tartarus to push back the invaders. Better the evil you know right? ... or would that just be a little too human?
open this

and no more aliens.

6319921 :rainbowderp:.....:rainbowlaugh:
In all seriousness, however, thanks for reading :twilightsmile:

"Four squads of eighteen benefactors, four Immortals, four Eliminators and a pair of Dominator exoskeleton units outside the breach point on guard duty.

Not going to be enough...

6321589 Oh god i love it the lols :rainbowlaugh:

Great chapter. The ponies stuffing themselves on crates was hilarious, particularly Shy having troubles fitting in due to being well-endowed and AJ vs Dash about whom would enter first. It seems that the heroes are about to catch up with the prologue of the story.

I'm just wondering what the hell could take down a strike cruiser without the occupants being able to respond. Especially an Astartes ship...

Even daemonic incursion from a Gellar Field failure couldn't do that.

6328646 Just a heads up, it'll be a smaller ship, not a strike cruiser, the marines stationed on the vessel are more of a divisional force. And the answer to your question...galaxy's a big place :trollestia:

6328661 Hell, the universe is a big ass place.

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