Thousands of moons ago, long before the banishment of the Lunar Princess, there were three alicorns: Celestia, Luna, and Fanged Doom.
All alicorns have two sides to them: a light side and a dark side. For example, Nightmare moon was Luna's dark side.
But Fanged Doom was different from the other two: instead of corrupting into his dark side, he was born with his dark side showing. The other two alicorns did all they could to reform him, but they gave up and were forced to banish him.
He was also really ugly. Although probably not the main reason for his banishment, it was a contributing factor. His coat was unevenly patterned and a horrible colour - as black as coal. And his mane, although not horrible, clashed with his coat's colour. Whilst the two other alicorns were admired for their beauty, he was shunned and left to mope in the darkness.
He was ugly, and he knew it. The only thing he was actually proud of were his wings - colourful and smooth, resembling a bat's wing more than a pony's. Unfortunately, he couldn't fly very well, as he was born with holes in his wings. Awesome, star-shaped holes, but they were still holes and greatly affected his flight in a negative way.
Anyway, he was banished.
Just a baby, he was forced to wander around, alone and confused. It is not of pony nature to be isolated from others - that's why ponies were often banished to places like the moon or Tartarus. Being alone is really torturous.
To save himself from solitude, Fanged Doom befriended a dragon that he came across one day. It tried to kill him at first, but then he overpowered the dragon and used his powers to enslave it.
He named the dragon "Shadow" because of his dark colouring. His scales were of a deep navy blue and his eyes were blood-red.
He taught Shadow to help fight alongside himself, and was even training him up to help Fanged overthrow the regal sisters.
They trained for many moons. Fighting tactics, stealth, devising multiple different plans in case one were to fail. Soon it was time. Fanged, alongside Shadow, were going to get revenge on Celesta and Luna.
Canterlot. It looked so beautiful this night. But things were about to stir as Fanged Doom and Shadow made their way to the capital. Front gate, guarded by multiple Pegasi guards. A simply flyby from Shadow and then a swoop in by Fanged and they were all unconscious.
Making their way though the heart of the city, more guards were coming out of the castle, Probably by orders of Celestia and Luna. Someone had to've seen the knocked out guards by now. Fanged wanted to keep going through, but Shadow dragged him into the back alleys, hiding in the shadows to get to the castle door.
The castle door was the doorway to his vengeance. The castle door, constructed of the finest oak, barring the entrence to the building. Just inside that building there lived the other two alicorns (Fanged Doom didn't know about Twilight and Cadance).
Fanged Doom roared and used his powerful magic to blow up the door. BOOM! It exploded then flew off of its hinges and into a nearby pit of lava that Fanged Doom had also conjured with his magic, just for the special effects.
Shadow grumbled, putting a claw to his forehead. "The whole point of hiding in the shadows was to stay hidden!" he hissed angrily.
"Stay hidden?" Fanged Doom laughed. "Please. I want Celestia Luna to feel dread as they realize who has come for them. I want them to hear my voice and be filled with fear, knowing that the only fate awaiting them is a horrible one."
"Yes, master. Now RUN!" Faanged Doom heeded his reptilian slave's advice and ran - but not away from the guards. He ran straight into the throng of angry soldiers, not even batting an eye at the sharp weapons. With a few swift punches and the aid of a spell, he quickly disarmed them and chucked any bodies into the lava pit until only one pony remained.
"You will not get away with this!" Shining Armor shouted, waving his spear around in the air. Fanged Doom rolled his eyes and turned him into a stick of deodorant, which he then used on himself. Of course, he wasn't getting sweaty from the fighting - lava is really hot, you know.
"Was that really necessary?" Shadow questioned.
"Yes. Now shut up," the tall alicorn commanded, whacking him with one of his multi-coloured bat wings.
"Ow!" Shadow complained loudly. "I'm much larger than you," he reminded the black pony. "I could kill you if I wanted to."
"Try that and I'll have to remove another one of your claws," Fanged Doom warned him. Shadow winced, trying very hard not to think about the last time he had dared disobey his master.
"Understood," he mumbled.
"Good. Now seriously, shut up so that I can continue with this thing. Follow close behind - I didn't shrink you to my size so that you could trail far behind and get both of us caught."
Fanged Doom took a deep breath, tensed up his muscles, and then charged into the castle, running at full speed towards the throne room. Shadow did as he was told and flew by his master's side, knocking away guards who were stupid enough not to flee with his powerful tail, occasionally setting them on fire with his fiery breath.
Shadow giggled with delight as the guards screamed, earning a whack from his master.
"Stop acting like a sadistic little filly," he scolded him as he disabled the last few guards standing between him and the doors to the throne room.
"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Shadow asked nervously as they stood in front of the door.
"We've already started, so we might as well," Fanged Doom declared. "Let's go!"
Self-contradictory much?
Also, here's some bandages for those who cut themselves on the edge.
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6244336 Not really. I submitted this for approval before the change was made.
6244323 Shadow grew to like him.
Okay. Okay. I just bashed my head on a wall about seven times by just reading the short description. Add another ten from the regular description, and three for the cover image.
Now, I was already not in a good mood today. So I'm gonna be very blunt about this. I will not read this. I will never read this. Nothing short of a million dollars will get me to read this. And even then, it would take a lot of convincing.
Now to move on to why I won't read this. It is a Red and Black Alicorn story. If you have been in this fandom for more then five minutes, you would know how detested these stories are. NO ONE CAN WRITE A STORY LIKE THIS! At least not unless it's a parody. And looking at the tags, that's not what this is.
Alright I'm gonna give you some advice now that I got that out of my system. Give up on this story. It was doomed from the start.
Don't give up on writing. That's a mistake every new writer makes. Instead, look at what everyone reads. Try to write that kind of story and if you're not good at it, try something else. But never do a Red and Black Alicorn story. That's just asking for downvotes.
6244528
What's wrong with red and black alicorns? It's kind of mean for people to hate on a story because of what the main character happens to look like.
~Shadow
Ok then
6244539
I'll get back to you on that, currently fishing.
6244569
What's that supposed to mean?
6244599 interesting idea but not sure what to think of it
6244539
Okay, taking a break from fishing, so I'll tell you what is wrong with a story of this kind.
First, the... "protagonist". Like I said, it's a Red and Black alicorn. There is a certain type of hate alicorn OC's acquire, and for good reason. Nine times out of ten, they are edgy and have some type of tragic backstory that gives them an excuse to be a complete ass. Then there are the red and black ones that crank it to eleven and become the epitome of phrase "Emo mother fucker." because they are constantly brooding about the world being against them and that their souls are black and dead. If this isn't your protagonist, then at least you're doing something right.
Something else alicorn OC's are guilty of is being extremely over powered.
You are definitely guilty of this. Celestia couldn't even beat a bug. Granted, it was super charged with love, but still it was a bug. Every instance of an alicorn defeating some powerful enemy, they had some kind of boon or item to help.
The princesses had the Elements.
Cadance had love.
And Twilight had alicorn magic x4.
A lone alicorn without anything... Not very powerful.
6244886 Well... maybe the other authors will do a better job with this stuff. I wrote the majority of the first chapter, but I am just one of three people.
~Shadow
6245607
Maybe... I doubt it, but maybe.
6244602 Interesting seeing you here, and that was an experience.
6249434
Wait, you know this guy? He's weird and keeps trying to confuse me.
~Shadow
6249450 she's cool.
Anyway your story is strange. Everything feels weird. It's like, I see a red and black Alicorn, but it's not really bad 10 year old writing. Since you can write, you get a like, since it's strange, you get my attention.
6249463 Oh, my bad. I assumed scootaloo96 was a guy.
Thanks for the like. Seems you're in the minority of the voters.
~S
6249471 It's by far not my usual cup of tea, but since it all seems intentional and at least readable, I'll give it a chance.
Ok this time the reaction picture actually has a good use.
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Not sure if trollfic...
Oh God. An alicorn OC is bad enough, but a red and black bat-winged alicorn OC? That's a bloody death knell for any story.
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But
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From the title alone, we can already tell that this will be the average shitfic.
How ironic. Isn't this site riddled with alicorn OCs similar to him? Also, "uniqueness" has got to be one of the shittiest reasons why a character should be given a stupid name.
The story introduces Fanged Doom the usual way a shitty alicorn OC gets introduced: OC somehow related to royalty rebels against the princesses or some shit like that, gets banished from Equestria for eons, and seeks revenge for said banishment.
This is something I haven't seen in fics like this as of yet. The OC's appearance almost never plays any role beyond looking unnecessarily edgy. Also, he has bat wings, which is extra points to the edginess card.
The princesses aren't admired for their beauty, by the way, they're admired for their benevolence and power.
Wow. Isn't that amazing? He was actually given a flaw. Hopefully this will make for a good conflict later on. That's highly unlikely, however, since I'm fairly confident that the author only put that flaw up for show and would disregard it for the rest of the story.
No shit. Didn't you already tell us that earlier? This is only here for a word count boost.
Just a baby, he was forced to wander around, alone and confused.
Those are some really shitty parents he has.
It is not of pony nature to be isolated from others
What about Moondancer?
ponies were often banished to places like the moon or Tartarus
So you're telling me that there were other ponies banished to the moon besides Luna? I'm not sure about Tartarus, however.
There is a difference between "enslaving" someone and "befriending" them. You really have to be more consistent with your word choice, author.
Of course they have to make the dragon edgy as well. The story isn't satisfied with just one badass character.
The story then tells us that after many moons, Fanged and that dragon guy also known as Shadow are finally ready to overthrow the princesses. They do it through stealth. That's what makes this story stand out from the other similar fics as the alicorn OC usually shows up on some random event, ready to crash the party.
Yeah, no. Twilight lives in that castle outside Ponyville while Cadence lives in the Crystal Empire.
The story then shows, I mean tells us how badass the OC is by hiding in the shadows a la Metal Gear and telling us that he was able to dispatch a group of guards with his punches and this spell thing that was never shown to us - perhaps a failed attempt to lower the edginess level.
Story makes another ridiculous attempt to lower the edginess via turning Shining Armor into a stick of deodorant instead of brutally torturing him. Also, what's lava doing in Canterlot?
Unfortunately, your alicorn OC, color scheme aside, is just as shitty and cliched as the others. I will tell you, however, that your OC is, in a way, more interesting than most alicorn OCs I've ever known. Also, your account name is "Fanged Doom" why do you end your comments with "-Shadow"? Is this account owned by more than one person?
Your story actually has some redeeming factors. The premise, although cliche, is executed in a slightly different way than the usual. A few fixes would do the trick. The grammar and spelling is surprisingly better than most fics of this genre. I especially love it how you took the effort to prove to us that black-and-red alicorn OCs aren't that bad. It's futile, but at least you tried.
Another problem I found is that you tend to tell us things instead of show them. If you don't know what I mean, then check this link.
6250368 Thanks for the feedback. And yes, this account is owned by more than one person. There's two other people, although I seem to be the most active in terms of responding to comments and the like.
As for Moon Dancer, I wouldn't quite say that she was handling isolation very well. She only became isolated because her feelings were hurt, and she didn't take care of herself very well and wasn't very happy in general.
~S
Nightmare Moon is a parasitic entity, not Luna's "dark side" that was made up for the sake of this story. Also, when you have to bend the canon timeline to make your OC fit, then you should really do some revision. If you have to bend the canon timeline, use an Alternate Universe tag at the very least.
6252185 What's a trollfic?
Cheers to Faggot Doom and his super duper edgy factor.
This seems like a record-breaker on how cliché it is.
Really? Fanged Doom? You had to choose the name "Fanged Doom". If his parents didn't like him, they would've given him a boring name, like: "Holes", or "Twig" or something around that nature. They wouldn't want to make him sound edgy and cool. Did you have to make him a red and black alicorn? Even people who don't read this won't give you a chance because everybody knows that red and black alicorn ocs are cliche and unoriginal. I'm not trying to be mean, but red and black? Really? A while back I made a red and black alicorn oc, and even then I knew it was bad. Make him something differant from an alicorn. Please. Think about the children.
6253179 FANGED DOOM is a beautifull creature. I don't see how you can be o rude about our ponysona. Some may say fanged doom is a 'Mary Sue' but personally, I think fanged doom far outshines some verry well known pony OC's. #fangeddoomisbestpony
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