In the beginning, there were three alicorns - Celestia, Luna, and Fanged Doom.
Fanged Doom was... interesting. He was unique. So unique that his mother didn't even care about properly naming him and therefore gave him a stupid name. Because of his uniqueness, he was banished. Nopony expected him to return - or they wouldn't have, anyway, if they'd known of his existence. He was kept a secret from the general population.
Now, he has returned, and he wants revenge.
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Self-contradictory much?
Also, here's some bandages for those who cut themselves on the edge.
img.chinamedevice.com/product/025/1466025.jpg
6244336 Not really. I submitted this for approval before the change was made.
6244323 Shadow grew to like him.
Okay. Okay. I just bashed my head on a wall about seven times by just reading the short description. Add another ten from the regular description, and three for the cover image.
Now, I was already not in a good mood today. So I'm gonna be very blunt about this. I will not read this. I will never read this. Nothing short of a million dollars will get me to read this. And even then, it would take a lot of convincing.
Now to move on to why I won't read this. It is a Red and Black Alicorn story. If you have been in this fandom for more then five minutes, you would know how detested these stories are. NO ONE CAN WRITE A STORY LIKE THIS! At least not unless it's a parody. And looking at the tags, that's not what this is.
Alright I'm gonna give you some advice now that I got that out of my system. Give up on this story. It was doomed from the start.
Don't give up on writing. That's a mistake every new writer makes. Instead, look at what everyone reads. Try to write that kind of story and if you're not good at it, try something else. But never do a Red and Black Alicorn story. That's just asking for downvotes.
6244528
What's wrong with red and black alicorns? It's kind of mean for people to hate on a story because of what the main character happens to look like.
~Shadow
Ok then
6244539
I'll get back to you on that, currently fishing.
6244569
What's that supposed to mean?
6244599 interesting idea but not sure what to think of it
6244539
Okay, taking a break from fishing, so I'll tell you what is wrong with a story of this kind.
First, the... "protagonist". Like I said, it's a Red and Black alicorn. There is a certain type of hate alicorn OC's acquire, and for good reason. Nine times out of ten, they are edgy and have some type of tragic backstory that gives them an excuse to be a complete ass. Then there are the red and black ones that crank it to eleven and become the epitome of phrase "Emo mother fucker." because they are constantly brooding about the world being against them and that their souls are black and dead. If this isn't your protagonist, then at least you're doing something right.
Something else alicorn OC's are guilty of is being extremely over powered.
You are definitely guilty of this. Celestia couldn't even beat a bug. Granted, it was super charged with love, but still it was a bug. Every instance of an alicorn defeating some powerful enemy, they had some kind of boon or item to help.
The princesses had the Elements.
Cadance had love.
And Twilight had alicorn magic x4.
A lone alicorn without anything... Not very powerful.
6244886 Well... maybe the other authors will do a better job with this stuff. I wrote the majority of the first chapter, but I am just one of three people.
~Shadow
6245607
Maybe... I doubt it, but maybe.
6244602 Interesting seeing you here, and that was an experience.
6249434
Wait, you know this guy? He's weird and keeps trying to confuse me.
~Shadow
6249450 she's cool.
Anyway your story is strange. Everything feels weird. It's like, I see a red and black Alicorn, but it's not really bad 10 year old writing. Since you can write, you get a like, since it's strange, you get my attention.
6249463 Oh, my bad. I assumed scootaloo96 was a guy.
Thanks for the like.
Seems you're in the minority of the voters.
~S
6249471 It's by far not my usual cup of tea, but since it all seems intentional and at least readable, I'll give it a chance.
Ok this time the reaction picture actually has a good use.
feen.us/7y30.jpg
Oh God. An alicorn OC is bad enough, but a red and black bat-winged alicorn OC? That's a bloody death knell for any story.
quickmeme.com/img/53/534c64c051bf7a13382fabafe99743c06d75ce6beea9742c1e9b4bc254957c17.jpg
But
sourcefed.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/ancient-aliens-guy.jpg
From the title alone, we can already tell that this will be the average shitfic.
How ironic. Isn't this site riddled with alicorn OCs similar to him? Also, "uniqueness" has got to be one of the shittiest reasons why a character should be given a stupid name.
The story introduces Fanged Doom the usual way a shitty alicorn OC gets introduced: OC somehow related to royalty rebels against the princesses or some shit like that, gets banished from Equestria for eons, and seeks revenge for said banishment.
This is something I haven't seen in fics like this as of yet. The OC's appearance almost never plays any role beyond looking unnecessarily edgy. Also, he has bat wings, which is extra points to the edginess card.
The princesses aren't admired for their beauty, by the way, they're admired for their benevolence and power.
Wow. Isn't that amazing? He was actually given a flaw. Hopefully this will make for a good conflict later on. That's highly unlikely, however, since I'm fairly confident that the author only put that flaw up for show and would disregard it for the rest of the story.
No shit. Didn't you already tell us that earlier? This is only here for a word count boost.
Just a baby, he was forced to wander around, alone and confused.
Those are some really shitty parents he has.
It is not of pony nature to be isolated from others
What about Moondancer?
ponies were often banished to places like the moon or Tartarus
So you're telling me that there were other ponies banished to the moon besides Luna? I'm not sure about Tartarus, however.
There is a difference between "enslaving" someone and "befriending" them. You really have to be more consistent with your word choice, author.
Of course they have to make the dragon edgy as well. The story isn't satisfied with just one badass character.
The story then tells us that after many moons, Fanged and that dragon guy also known as Shadow are finally ready to overthrow the princesses. They do it through stealth. That's what makes this story stand out from the other similar fics as the alicorn OC usually shows up on some random event, ready to crash the party.
Yeah, no. Twilight lives in that castle outside Ponyville while Cadence lives in the Crystal Empire.
The story then shows, I mean tells us how badass the OC is by hiding in the shadows a la Metal Gear and telling us that he was able to dispatch a group of guards with his punches and this spell thing that was never shown to us - perhaps a failed attempt to lower the edginess level.
Story makes another ridiculous attempt to lower the edginess via turning Shining Armor into a stick of deodorant instead of brutally torturing him. Also, what's lava doing in Canterlot?
Unfortunately, your alicorn OC, color scheme aside, is just as shitty and cliched as the others. I will tell you, however, that your OC is, in a way, more interesting than most alicorn OCs I've ever known. Also, your account name is "Fanged Doom" why do you end your comments with "-Shadow"? Is this account owned by more than one person?
Your story actually has some redeeming factors. The premise, although cliche, is executed in a slightly different way than the usual. A few fixes would do the trick. The grammar and spelling is surprisingly better than most fics of this genre. I especially love it how you took the effort to prove to us that black-and-red alicorn OCs aren't that bad. It's futile, but at least you tried.
Another problem I found is that you tend to tell us things instead of show them. If you don't know what I mean, then check this link.
6250368 Thanks for the feedback. And yes, this account is owned by more than one person. There's two other people, although I seem to be the most active in terms of responding to comments and the like.
As for Moon Dancer, I wouldn't quite say that she was handling isolation very well. She only became isolated because her feelings were hurt, and she didn't take care of herself very well and wasn't very happy in general.
~S
Nightmare Moon is a parasitic entity, not Luna's "dark side" that was made up for the sake of this story. Also, when you have to bend the canon timeline to make your OC fit, then you should really do some revision. If you have to bend the canon timeline, use an Alternate Universe tag at the very least.
6252185 What's a trollfic?
Cheers to Faggot Doom and his super duper edgy factor.
This seems like a record-breaker on how cliché it is.
Really? Fanged Doom? You had to choose the name "Fanged Doom". If his parents didn't like him, they would've given him a boring name, like: "Holes", or "Twig" or something around that nature. They wouldn't want to make him sound edgy and cool. Did you have to make him a red and black alicorn? Even people who don't read this won't give you a chance because everybody knows that red and black alicorn ocs are cliche and unoriginal. I'm not trying to be mean, but red and black? Really? A while back I made a red and black alicorn oc, and even then I knew it was bad. Make him something differant from an alicorn. Please. Think about the children.
6253179 FANGED DOOM is a beautifull creature. I don't see how you can be o rude about our ponysona. Some may say fanged doom is a 'Mary Sue' but personally, I think fanged doom far outshines some verry well known pony OC's. #fangeddoomisbestpony
-666
6253320
6253590 Hey, don't insult our OC. :applecry:
~Shadow
6253720 No offense, but whenever I try to give out constructive critiscim, the person who needs to become more creative and make a more beliveable character, they don't take any of my advice.
6253816 It's not like we can change his name or pony tribe now. It's too late for that.
Time to dive further into the shithole. This is chapter two I'm reviewing.
Unlike my previous review, I'm not going to quote a specific part and comment on it. The author's notes is an exception. This is my general outlook on the chapter.
This chapter is a fucking joke. I don't even know what to think of this story anymore. The first chapter was already shitty enough but this? How in the holy mother of fuck did this story suddenly go from a dark edgy adventure to this random mess? This chapter is not only horrific, but it makes people want to gouge their eyes out and get a brain transplant because over half of their original brain died from reading the first few paragraphs from this thing.
If there are still any, I'm going to review the next chapters.
Then why let him write this story? This story is meant to be taken seriously, remember? Aren't you trying to prove to us that red-and-black alicorn OCs aren't that bad? Aren't you aware that this kid is being a gargantuan detriment to that goal?
This sort of shit doesn't belong to the author's notes.
6254849 you just cant handle meh sweg
-666
6254367 I'm tempted to say that "your face is the reason alicorns are hated", but I won't. Wait, I just did. Oops.
~Shadow
6244528 6250368 6252796 6253179 6254367
You know what's more cliche than red and black alicorn OCs? The typical reactions to red and black alicorn OCs.
We're too far into this fandom to still be complaining and writing a shitload of paragraphs over why stories like this are usually a bad idea.
We're too old to be STILL be shitting on red and black alicorn OCs.
We're too old to STILL be giving what you call criticism like this to young and inexperienced writers. It's like you're doing this for some sort of audience when your audience is simply to old to care and is probably laughing at the both of you.
6256006
Well I wasn't in the greatest of moods when I typed all of that. But my main concern is that people still think they can redeem Red and Black Alicorns.
Plus I told them to give up on this story, but to keep writing. That should count for something...
6256400
Well, I wasn't in the greatest of moods when I typed what I had either.
I suppose we should invest our anger in other things like shooting legions of cops in GTA.
6256427
Exactly.
6256511
Or I could write an edgy fic of my own, that'd always be nice.
6256006
What do you suggest we do? Ignore these kinds of stories altogether?
6256553
That's what I'd do, but then I'd be a hypocrite for responding to the criticism in the first place, y'know?
This isn't even my story (and on top of it being the type of story it is anyway), so why I'm defending it is a mystery. Maybe I just needed to vent my anger with how people react to these things.
Y'see, I'm that guy that hates re-runs...
6253943 .... Not really.
Obvious troll is obvious.
6264528 Rude.
~S
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I have no actual opinion.
6340040
I blame my brother... he wrote half of chapter two.
~Shadow
Wow, this SOB got banned? 'Bout time.
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, HIT IT MUSIC MAN!